Not only did Fox decide to put House on a different day and time this week, but they appear to be showing America's Top Model instead of my show! I look for Djb in the audience of this fashion show, but he is nowhere to be found. Instead, it's just tall, shiny-faced girl after tall, shiny-faced girl strutting down the catwalk. Backstage, a sweaty blonde girl (is there any other kind?) complains that she feels like puking, but gets little sympathy for an older gentleman (the designer? Her manager? I have no clue, and we never seen him again so it doesn't matter), who tells her that she's already two years older than thirteen-year-old Kate Moss was when she was doing shows, so she'd better buck up. Yes, because Kate Moss turned out so well. Let's all follow her drug-laden example. He walks off, only to be replaced by another guy, who's holding a glass of champagne and is revealed to be the model's father. He's not very sympathetic either, as the girl complains that her shoes make her feet hurt. At least he has a solution: he leads her behind a rack of clothing and gives her some pills for "anxiety." She washes them down with a nice gulp of her dad's champagne, and then runs off to the catwalk. "Knock 'em out!" her dad cheers presciently.
Alex the Model makes it down the catwalk, but starts getting dizzy and having double vision on her way back. She staggers around, showing poor catwalk form indeed. Miss J would rip her arms off for this! A fellow model kindly asks her if she's okay, and is rewarded with a slap across the face, followed by a punch that sends her off the catwalk and into the audience. The modeling business sure is competitive! Alex collapses on the catwalk. She lies there, unmoving, her eyes wide open. The photographers huddle around her body to snap as many pictures as they can. Janice Dickinson snorts in disgust, making sure to get some coke up there while she's at it.
House's alarm clock goes off at 9:19, which is an odd time. Maybe House just likes the number 9, though. He wakes up and rubs his bad leg as Ryan Adams sings. I love Ryan Adams. He and House should get together and fight over who is more self-destructive. House tries to walk, but his leg gives out and he falls backwards onto the bed. It's not going to be a good day for House.
Nosy Wilson demands to know why House didn't ride his motorcycle to work today. I think the fact that it's pouring outside would be a good enough reason, but not for Wilson! He thinks it has something to do with House's leg, and theorizes that it's hurting too much for House to ride. He urges House to try rehab, by which he means rehab for his leg, not for his drug habit. House says that he tried that for about five minutes before deciding it wasn't for him. Well, as long as he gave it a fair shot. Wilson asks him at least to get an MRI of his leg; House downs a couple of pills and says that they are the only solution to his problem that he needs. The solution to my problem of not seeing enough Cuddy on this show walks up and tells House that his newest patient is a teenaged supermodel. "Supermodel"? Really? I guess you really do just need to be tall and not built like a Williams sister. Cuddy starts to list off Alex's symptoms, but House doesn't need to hear them: getting to treat a hot underaged girl is reward enough for him.
“ Alex says that she thought drugs would be lots of fun to do, although now she realizes how stupid that was. Modeling: the anti- anti-drug. ”
Foreman gets to inform Alex's dad about his daughter's drug problem and the rapid detox procedure they want to try. It's a dangerous process because of the coma, but it will magically end Alex's addiction overnight. But if Alex ever uses heroin again, her body won't react to it like it did before, and she'll probably overdose. Dad decides to go for the rapid detox, and asks them not to tell Alex how dangerous it could be. Foreman appears to be growing out his goatee. I don't like it that long. He's starting to look like Serj Tankian from System Of A Down.
As Foreman prepares a sweaty Alex for the procedure, she asks if this will be dangerous. True to his word, Foreman avoids answering her, simply saying that her dad thought it was the best thing to do. Alex complains that she's starting to feel pain everywhere. Chase, who's suddenly in the room, explains that the withdrawal process is extremely painful, which is why they are putting her in the coma. She'd better hope she doesn't wake up with parts of her thigh muscle missing! Although I guess that wouldn't be a concern anymore, since Stacy is gone (hooray!). Chase promises Alex that she'll be fine, which means that she totally won't be. Alex says that she thought drugs would be lots of fun to do, although now she realizes how stupid that was. Modeling: the anti-anti-drug.
Dad watches Alex be in her coma. He paces around and looks concerned as time passes. Then Alex's monitors start beeping. Something is very wrong, but since this is PPTH, there are no nurses or staff members around, so Dad has to yell and scream for help as Alex flatlines. We go to a commercial on that suspenseful note, although seeing as we're only fifteen minutes into an hour-long show, I have a feeling Alex will survive.
Later that day, House gets off the elevator and limps painfully down the hall. Alex's dad chases him down -- which, let's face it, isn't too difficult -- and starts calling House names and accusing him of almost murdering his daughter. House puts his cane between himself and the man, which won't be the first time in this episode that House uses his cane in a more unconventional, yet still very useful, way. Dad wants to bring Alex out of her coma, saying that he "doesn't consent anymore" to her treatment. As we will later discover, "consent" is a keyword in the dynamic of Alex and her father's relationship. Guess what, Dad? It's too late to change your mind; Alex will be in too much pain to be woken up. Not like that's stopped House before, but it does this time. "We're committed to this," House says.
House is also committed to Clinic Duty for the first time in quite a few episodes. I didn't realize how much I missed Clinic Duty until it was gone. It's much more enjoyable to me to see House be an asshole to people with stupid problems than it is to see him be an asshole to people who are mysteriously dying and their upset family members. Today's patient is a man with unexplained pain everywhere -- even his teeth. House isn't very sympathetic, since his leg hurts a lot today, and since he isn't very sympathetic in general. He downs some pills and guesses that the patient is a married man. Now it's the patient's turn to be sarcastic, since he's wearing a wedding ring that makes this pretty obvious. What's not so obvious is the fact that his wife is expecting a child, which House knows since the guy has Couvades syndrome, a.k.a. sympathy pains. "Stop whining," House orders, saying that millions of women are going through the same thing he is and they aren't bothering House. Except that those women know why they're feeling the way they are, don't they? This guy just suddenly found himself feeling bad and went to someone for help, only to be made fun of. This is why I don't like to go to doctors.
“ House exhales and is able to identify his staff: 'Cameron, Chase, and the dark one -- Foreman, right?' He doesn't have amnesia, and he's still racist. ”
Alex wakes up from her coma/temporary death. Chase and her father are by her side. "I have a cute doctor" are Alex's first words. Chase grins; obviously, Alex's sight was not affected by her heart attack. She's says that she's feeling fine physically, but is upset that she let her father down with the whole drug thing. Dad strokes her hand and tells her that they will get her better, and that's all that's important right now. Everything seems just fine until Alex starts repeating herself, complimenting Chase's looks and crying that she let her father down again. She repeats herself word for word, too, which makes me wonder if she spent her coma time rehearsing exactly what she was going to say.
So now the patient has amnesia. Foreman says it could have been from the loss of oxygen to her brain when she had that heart attack, meaning that it's all House's fault for ordering them to make her go through the rapid detox that Foreman seems to think was unnecessary now. House isn't paying attention, though; he's reading the latest issue of Celeb Weekly magazine, which has pictures of what is probably the show's prop team all over the cover. Foreman yells at House to focus on the case, causing House to have a combination hissyfit/demonstration of why he didn't cause a hypoxic brain injury by holding his breath with his cheeks all puffed out like a little boy for thirty seconds, which is how long Alex was without oxygen. House exhales and is able to identify his staff: "Cameron, Chase, and the dark one -- Foreman, right?" He doesn't have amnesia, and he's still racist. House thinks that Alex's brain is fine; her problems are psychological. She has post-traumatic stress disorder. Chase is dubious: "We've got models fighting in Iraq now?" he scoffs, then laughs at his funny. He rarely gets lines at all, so it's nice to see that he appreciates them. House holds up a "sexy" picture of a scantily clad Alex from his magazine and says that any woman who looks like her has been sexually abused. By her own father, he suspects, saying that no man could resist Alex's hot ass, father or no. Chase is disgusted. Cameron is appalled. Foreman is probably looking at his watch, so sick is he of his boss's insane (yet usually correct) assumptions about people. He thinks House is just trying to place the blame on someone else after his rapid detox wrecked Alex's brain. House tells them to do an MRI and a lumbar puncture and wait for the results to come back fine for proof of his correctness, since there's nothing physically wrong with their patient.
Cuddy shows up at the Clinic and is informed by Evil Nurse Brenda that House called out of Clinic Duty fifteen minutes into his shift, saying that he was in too much pain to work. Evil Nurse Brenda couldn't find anyone to cover for him (and, if I know Evil Nurse Brenda, she didn't even try), so now Cuddy gets to do it. House's pregnant man is back, and he doesn't want to talk to Cuddy about his problem, calling it "personal." Cuddy doesn't have time for riddles, and threatens to leave. So the patient has no choice but to show her his problem: he's growing boobs. Cuddy looks like she really wants to laugh here, but settles for giving the guy House's pager number. I had no idea you could psychosomatically grow boobs.
“ House pretends he's checking Dad's glands, making him House's patient and keeping him protected under doctor- patient confidentiality rules. I don't think that's legally sound, but I also don't want PPTH's legal eagle Stacy to come back and clarify it for me either. ”
Foreman and House have some one-on-one time. Foreman wants to know what made House assume that the girl was abused. I don't think it's that unusual; House has assumed his patients were sexual-abuse victims in the past, although he's never been right about it before. Maybe this time, he'll finally break the streak. House says that he had a "funny uncle." Foreman thinks House is sharing something personal with him about his own history of sexual abuse, but no. Only Cameron shares her past with anyone (and everyone). House's uncle was just a funny guy. Foreman breaks it down: he thinks House's leg pain is affecting his decision-making. House gets very serious and tells Foreman to question the calls he makes and not the personal reasons that might be behind them. Foreman says that being in pain makes people want to rush things, and that's what House has been doing here; he warns House, "Don't." House seems to think about this, and then quietly and sincerely thanks Foreman. And then he turns around and loudly asks Alex's dad, who's all the way across the hall, if he's "doing [his] daughter." Foreman shakes his head. House and Dad leave to speak privately while the rest of the hallway's occupants think about their own funny uncles.
Alex's MRI isn't working out, due to her new symptom of uncontrollable twitching. Cameron says that they'll skip to the LP.
In a nearby bathroom, House puts a hand on Dad's neck to pretend he's checking the guy's glands, thereby making him House's patient and keeping him protected under doctor-patient confidentiality rules. I don't think that's legally sound, but I also don't want PPTH's legal eagle Stacy to come back and clarify it for me either, so I'll take it. Now that Dad can speak freely without worrying about getting busted, House wants to know if the guy ever screwed his daughter. Needless to say, Dad does not appreciate the accusation. House says that Alex has a "heart-shaped ass" and "perky, all-natural breasts" that would make it very difficult to resist her, at which point the Dad yells at House to stop speaking about his daughter that way. The trap has been sprung, as House eagerly points out that he was just quoting Dad in a recent issue of Celeb Weekly. Oh! Burn on you, Dad! And, indirectly, on you, dad of Jessica Simpson! Dad argues that, as Alex's manager, he has to promote her that way. House congratulates him on being able to compartmentalize, saying that he must have been in "manager" and not "father" mode when he had sex with Alex. House asks Dad if he loves his daughter enough to admit that he had sex with her. Because her resulting psychological problems are manifesting themselves into a real physical condition that could kill her. Her doctors can't help Alex if they don't what's going on. And the fact that Dad hasn't walked out of the bathroom already is enough to tell you that he did, in fact, sleep with his own daughter. Just for good measure, though, he admits it: "One time." Oh, well, then, that makes it much better. NO, IT DOESN'T! Pervert! Pervert! Gross, icky pervy pervert!
“ House screams out Wilson's name as the guy innocently tries to walk past House's office without being accosted. He even tried to cover his face with a book, but it didn't work. House can recognize his slow, put-upon gait anywhere. ”
House triumphantly tells the Cottages that he got the admission from Dad, so they can send poor Alex up to the Psych ward and wash their hands of the whole matter. And wash them extra-good to remove the filth of incest. But wait! It's only thirty minutes into the show, and Cameron and Chase found elevated proteins in Alex's spinal fluid! Cameron also found her way into Cuddy's Prim 'N Proper Puritanwear Collection and is sporting the very latest in horrific frilly cravats. It's like they're trying to make her into some kind of nineteenth-century English dandy with that and those fitted vests. She's very upset about House's revelation, while Foreman is quite pleased that those LP results mean House was wrong about Alex's problems being caused by PTSD, although that probably didn't help matters. They weren't caused by the coma heart attack either, so now they're back to square one.
While Alex's dad sits at his daughter's side and kisses her fingers in what used to be a loving, fatherly way but is now a gross, pervy way, Cameron insists to House that they report Dad to Child Protective Services. That doctor-patient confidentiality thing doesn't apply to abuse cases, it seems. House wants to focus on saving Alex's life before he worries about who gets to enter her vagina. And Alex's hospital room has windows, so he's sure nothing wrong will be going down while she's in there alone with the guy. Except for the fact that those nurses are not the most attentive people on the planet and have no qualms letting patients be strangled by their mistresses, so I doubt they'd have a problem with some loving father-daughter sex. And I've just grossed myself out. Cameron crosses the line with House by accusing him of letting his leg pain interfere with reporting Dad to the authorities. He slams his cane against a nearby bookcase and yells that he has a patient with a ton of symptoms and no idea as to their cause, and that he'd rather have her father with them in case he has any other secrets that might help them cure Alex. This actually sounds kind of reasonable to me. It's not like House isn't going to report the guy as soon as he can afterward. House orders the Cottages to do a brain biopsy on Alex...
...and then screams out Wilson's name as the guy innocently tries to walk past House's office without being accosted. He even tried to cover his face with a book, but it didn't work. House can recognize his slow, put-upon gait anywhere. Wilson asks House how many more patients he has to kill (albeit only temporarily) before he realizes that his leg pain is a problem. Just the one, apparently, as House asks Wilson for help.
Foreman informs Alex about the procedure for her brain biopsy. Dad wants to talk to Foreman about this outside and away from Alex first, like he did with the rapid detox, but now that he's a PERVERT, he doesn't get to make any decisions for his daughter. "I think she should have a say in what happens to her body," Foreman says pointedly. Alex twitches and tries to figure out what happened to change the dynamic between her father and her physicians. Foreman stares Dad down until Dad relents and Foreman goes on with his explanation. Alex's only concern is that her head will have to be shaved. She nods her assent to the procedure. At least, I hope that was a nod and not another twitch.
“ Wilson suspects that House's pain may be psychosomatic, caused by his dumping Stacy. Odd; I found myself feeling much better when House dumped Stacy and having a lot more fun watching this show. ”
Alex gets a drill in her brain without the benefit of a Magic School Bus Cam, which hasn't had much to do lately.
Cameron marches into Cuddy's office, full of purpose and not even afraid of getting in trouble with Cuddy for having stolen her favorite frilly neck adornment. Cuddy assumes that Cameron's anger is House-related.
House is in the MRI of DOOOM! In the booth is Wilson, who's using the PA feature to make announcements to House as God. Wilson's God voice sounds a lot like Santa Claus. House tells God that he can't talk to Him now, but they can't work out a more suitable one, since God has a plague to spread on Thursday, and God will have to check with Cameron on House's availability for Friday, which he doesn't want to do because she's always asking him why bad things happen. Hee hee hee! Scenes like that show you why House and Wilson are friends. And it's nice to see House laugh unsarcastically for once. But the moment is ruined with the entrance of Cuddy, who's seriously pissed off. House asks God to smite her, but he has been forsaken, as Wilson knows something about acting professional in front of one's boss and decides to keep quiet. Cuddy says she can't believe House didn't report Dad to CPS immediately, and that she won't let him get away with it: she called CPS herself. House makes childish mimicking movements with his mouth as Cuddy threatens to fire him if he doesn't cooperate with the CPS investigation. I guess Cameron, in her infinite wisdom, didn't tell Cuddy why House was waiting to report Dad to CPS.
The Cottages analyze some fluids under microscopes and discuss Cameron's tattling to Cuddy. Foreman tells her that she did the right thing, and that he would have done it if she hadn't. Yeah, except that you didn't do it; Cameron did, and you knew she would so you let her take the fall. Chase argues on House's behalf, saying that Alex is a millionaire and isn't entitled to any more protection than a crack whore in the Clinic is. I don't get it, but it's not important, since Foreman just calls Chase out for defending House because he's a suck-up. Chase readily admits that this is so. I want to know why we aren't seeing more of those Clinic crack whores.
The MRI results on House's leg are the same as they were two years ago: there's no nerve regeneration to explain House's new leg pain. Wilson suspects that the pain may be psychosomatic (since that's the word of the episode), caused by his dumping Stacy. Odd; I found myself feeling much better when House dumped Stacy and having a lot more fun watching this show. House angrily protests this theory, and rather viciously thwacks Wilson on the leg with his cane to make him shut up. And yet, they're still friends.
“ House asks Cameron if she needs to leave to report this to Cuddy, or if Cuddy's got Cameron mic'ed already so that it won't be necessary. You definitely could fit a mic in Cameron's neckwear. Hell, you could probably get an entire sound system concealed in its folds. ”
Alex's biopsy was negative for any disease of the white brain matter. House asks Cameron if she needs to leave to report this to Cuddy, or if Cuddy's got Cameron mic'ed already so that it won't be necessary. You definitely could fit a mic in Cameron's neckwear. Hell, you could probably get an entire sound system concealed in its folds. Cameron solemnly says that she had to do what she thought was right, and you can't blame her for that. Unless, of course, she's almost telling the media about a patient's blood doping or keeping a woman with cancer in the dark about her condition. Chase and Foreman go over possible gray-matter brain problems while, in a nice, subtle touch, House clutches his giant tennis ball for dear life because his leg hurts. Cameron just wants to know if she's in trouble, which is hilarious. House just says that they can't test for any gray matter conditions. "So I'm not in trouble?" Cameron asks. She really was that girl in school who always sat in the front row and raised her hand higher than anyone else and followed the recess lady around and told on the other kids for taking the big slide steps up two at a time and then they had to go stand against the wall for five minutes, which is an eternity in recess time. House thinks for a minute, and then comes up with another diagnosis that's much more possible to obtain: old standby paraneoplastic syndrome could be causing all of Alex's symptoms, since it apparently can do just about anything it wants to the human body. Now all they have to do to confirm it is find a tumor.
A test with the very medical name of "squeeze-the-tube" is performed on Alex. House says that her twitching should stop when he squeezes the IV line closed. And it does. House does it a couple more times just for fun until Foreman has to order him to stop. House says that they have Alex hooked up to some immuglobulin that neutralizes the antibodies in her blood that are attacking her brain and causing the twitching. Since it works, that means that Alex does have paraneoplastic syndrome. It also means that she has cancer, which House informs Alex and her father of with his typical tactless aplomb.
Cuddy's getting ready to leave for the night when House comes in asking a favor. He's not at the top of Cuddy's list right now, so when he asks for a shot of morphine directly into his spine (ouch), she tells him to take some Vicodin and leave her alone. "It's not enough," he says. He doesn't want the Cottages to know how much pain he's in because they'll accuse him of letting it affect his judgment. He can't go to Wilson because Wilson just thinks it's all in his head and will bore us to tears with more lecturing about Stacy. The rest of PPTH's physicians probably hate House so much that they can't be trusted not to "accidentally" paralyze House with a spinal injection. So that leaves Cuddy. She refuses again, and House drops his cane on the ground to get her attention. Then he drops his pants. Wow! Have they been having after-hours trysts in Cuddy's office this whole time? Oh, no -- House just removed his pants to show Cuddy his thigh scar, and clarify to her just how desperate he is for her help and how real his pain is. Also, his underwear choice: boxer-briefs, for those of you keeping score (and there are a lot of you, I suspect). We get a good look at House's nasty scar for the first time, and I think it's safe to say that he won't be wearing showy short-shorts anytime soon. "I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here," he says, his voice breaking just enough to make us all forgive him his past shitty behavior. No one can resist a vulnerable man. Not even Cuddy: "I'll get a syringe," she whispers. That wasn't as sexy as I hoped a scene involving House removing his pants in Cuddy's office late at night would have been. It was still really good, though.
“ Wilson says Alex's ovaries are tumorless. In fact, they're a little small. That statement stood out like a sore thigh muscle: Wilson might as well have had a neon sign above his head saying THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. ”
Alex gets a montage of tumor exams as performed by Wilson, who finally has a job to do. Ultrasounds, biopsies, and mammograms, oh my! And yet, they don't find any cancer. But Wilson just wants to know why House seems to be feeling better. Part of the reason might be because he won his bet with Chase: Alex's mammogram shows that her boobs are, in fact, real. Pervy Dad was correct in that Celeb quote after all. Well, I guess he would know. Ew. Ew. Ew. Wilson keeps asking House what he took to take his leg pain away. House keeps dodging the question. He asks Wilson if he checked Alex's ovaries. Wilson says he did, and that they're tumorless. In fact, they're a little small. That statement stood out like a sore thigh muscle: Wilson might as well have had a neon sign above his head saying THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. He concludes that they checked everything, and that Alex doesn't have a tumor. No cancer. And Wilson is the head of the Oncology department, so you'd expect him to be on top of his game, right? Surely there aren't any random body parts floating around Alex's body that he might have missed, right?
Back in the meeting room, the Cottages agree that Alex must have PTSD after all, if there's no cancer. The LP result was just a fluke or an accident. Considering that we had Allison "Am I In Trouble?" Cameron and Robert "Was In Trouble For Killing That Woman" Chase at the helm there, this is very possible. Chase makes the mistake of saying that Alex "just" has PTSD, earning him a lecture from Cameron that getting raped by your father is a big deal. Chase sarcastically gives the PTSD diagnosis the gravity Cameron feels it deserve,s and looks to House for approval of his snarkiness. House thinks they can tell if it's PTSD by with the Folger's test: they'll secretly replace Alex's usual morning IV Ig with saline and see if she notices the difference.
House and the Cottages wait for the results while Alex talks to a woman from Social Services. With shades and the door open, because admitting that your dad raped you certainly isn't something that should be given privacy or anything like that. Chase says that if Alex's symptoms are real, they should be returning any minute, now that the IV Ig has left her system. The social worker exits the room and rather angrily tells Cameron that Alex and her father have both denied having sex with each other. "I'm sure you meant well," CPS lady says, and walks away without doing anything because there's nothing more she can do.
Cameron decides to have a chat with Alex. Unlike CPS lady, she actually closes the door behind her. "You have to tell her the truth," she orders. Alex denies that anything happened, and tries to watch her TV. Cameron turns it off, because this is serious business and it needs to be dealt with, especially if Cameron's going to get in trouble for it. "He's not a bad person," Alex says. "I seduced him." Cameron thinks Alex is just pulling one of those rape-victims-who-thinks-she-deserved-it acts, and takes a seat on Alex's bed. This was Dad's fault and Dad's responsibility, she tells Alex. "I got him drunk," Alex coolly explains. "I had to get him drunk. I wanted to have sex with him." Well, I guess that explains what happened to her mother and Dad's wife: she was turned into a pillar of salt after defying the angels' orders and looking back on the destroyed cities of Sodom of Gomorrah. It also means that Alex's dad is off the hook for what he did to his daughter since she seduced him and he was drunk -- oh, wait. NO IT DOESN'T! He's still a pervy perv perv.
“ I can't think of ANYTHING in this world that would be worth sleeping with my own father for, nor had the thought ever crossed my mind until this episode. Thanks for that, writers. ”
Poor, naive Cameron doesn't know what to make of any of this. "You're sexually attracted to your father?" she asks. She can relate; Cameron does have a thing for older men. Although they are not, that we know of, related to her. Alex says she did it because, when she has sex with men, they let her do whatever she wants. That's what she did with her photographer, her tutor, and her financial manager, all of whom were probably thrilled to bits. "If I didn't, I'd be getting 'C's," she explains. Oh God NO! Not 'C's! That was certainly the right choice for her, then. I'm sure Cameron can relate to some of this as well, probably having been a bit of a grade-grubber in her school days -- although, one hopes, not to this extreme. Alex says that this technique has gotten her where she is today. And while I can see how that works with people who aren't related to her, I don't understand what advantages she was hoping to gain by sleeping with her dad, or how and why this even presented itself as an option to her. I mean, it's HER DAD. Couldn't she just have snuck out of the house if he didn't let her stay out late like the rest of us normal girls did? I can't think of ANYTHING in this world that would be worth sleeping with my own father for, nor had the thought ever crossed my mind until this episode. Thanks for that, writers. "Come on! We all do it," Alex laughs. "No, we don't," Cameron says. Hopefully, she suggests that it was sleeping with her father that made Alex sleep with all those other guys, because she was traumatized. Nope! "My dad was last," Alex claims. "You've never taken a run at your boss or professor or somebody else you needed?" Cameron does not say what I would have here, which is something along the lines of "HE'S YOUR DAD! OH MY GOD! SICKSICKSICK! EW!" Instead, Cameron goes for a more calm approach: "You're fifteen. You're smart. You don't have --" "I am not that smart," Alex interrupts. "I am that beautiful." She's that clichd too, I guess. And with that, she starts twitching again. It's not PTSD after all.
House has received a page from a certain Clinic patient. His wife is in labor, and he's not feeling very well, either. He begs House for help. House accomplishes this by telling off the guy's wife, who's screaming at him to help her through her pain. "Oh, shut up!" he says, dispensing some pills into his eager palm. "You've got yourself the perfect man -- a woman." Lesbians everywhere cheer. If there are any still watching after their baby got killed last season, that is. House adds that the guy has more estrogen coursing through his veins than...and then he has an idea, which is too bad because I would liked to hear who or what he was going to compare the guy's estrogen level to. I'd also like to know if this Couvades thing is real or not, because everything I saw acknowledged that it is a psychosomatic thing but didn't say anything about increased estrogen levels. The human mind is pretty incredible sometimes.
“ Alex just looks shocked. Soon she'll be trying to figure out if there's a way she can fuck the cancer to make it leave. ”
House asks Cameron whether she noticed that Alex had pubic hair or not during her vaginal exam. "What are you getting at?" Cameron asks, fearing something along the lines on "if there's grass on the field, play ball!" She answers that there wasn't much. House says that their patient has been described as completely docile, and has never had a period. "She's the ultimate woman," he concludes. Well, I think it's safe to say that this episode was written by a man.
Alex gets her third MRI of the episode. This time, her twitching is gone, thanks to the IV Ig. Cameron doesn't see the point of this exercise, since Wilson did an ultrasound on the area and only saw some small ovaries. House says that they aren't looking for ovarian cancer -- they're looking for "that." Whatever "that" is, it shocks the hell out of Cameron. It also has a tumor on it. You know, no one on this show ever gets, like, normal cancer. They have to have crazy cancer that hides from scans and makes the body attack itself.
House enters Alex's room. Her dad is at her side, of course. House says that they found a tumor after all. "So she has cancer?" Dad asks. "Technically, no," says House, bringing everyone's hopes up. Oh, but wait -- Alex does have cancer. She just isn't a "she." Alex is a boy, and he has testicular cancer. You see, Alex has X and Y chromosomes, but she also has a condition that makes her immune to testosterone. When you develop in the womb, you start off with gonads -- undifferentiated genitals. The Y chromosome has an SRY gene that creates testes out of the gonads. The testes then produce testosterone that signals the fetus to create male parts. If there's no signal, female parts are made by default. Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, like Alex has, makes the body immune to testosterone, so that signal is never received, and the fetus becomes phenotypically female while still being chromosomally male. Alex doesn't have a uterus, which is why she never got her period. As a consolation prize, she has those undescended testes. And now they have cancer. That's a one-two double punch of sucky news right there. "You're pure estrogen," House says, which is what made her such a great model, since it gave her that clear skin and great boobs. "The ultimate woman is a man," House concludes. This probably also made lesbian viewers cheer. Meanwhile, Dad looks horrified. He accuses House of making a sick joke. House says that if he were going to tell jokes, he would call Dad a homo for sleeping with a guy. Ha! Alex just looks shocked. Soon she'll be trying to figure out if there's a way she can fuck the cancer to make it leave. Hey, she herself admitted that she isn't very smart. Neither is Wilson, I'd say, since I find it really hard to believe that he missed those two testes Alex had sitting there in her abdomen, one of which was made even bigger by that tumor! And Wilson totally missed the fact that her uterus DIDN'T EXIST! This was really Wilson's time to shine, and he failed miserably. If he wasn't so happy to roll joints for his patients, he'd be the Worst Oncologist Ever.
“ House asks for another shot of morphine; his pain is back. Or is it? Cuddy informs House that she didn't give him morphine after all: she gave him saline. House got Placebo'd! ”
Alex jumps off her bed and sobs that she is all woman. "Look at me!" she screams, and whips off her robe to flash the House and the entire lobby. It's been a great few days for those onlookers, who have gotten to see a guy accused of having sex with his daughter and a bitter man attack his friend with a cane. Now they get to see a naked model! "See, they're all looking at me! I'm beautiful!" she cries. "Put your clothes back on," says House. "I'm gonna cut your balls off." He isn't ogling her man body anymore. Dad also refuses to look at his daughter. Dude, they're just testes. She doesn't even have a she-nis, like some "top" female models have been rumored to sport. Of all the things you've done, THIS you're ashamed of? Go fall out that window and die.
House returns to Cuddy's office and tells her that "him-slash-her" can look forward to some time with the Psych department to try to get past the bad news. "Calling her 'him-slash-her' isn't really helping," Cuddy mutters, having been on the receiving end of that double-pronoun from House a few times herself. In happier news, House doesn't think Alex's dad will be sleeping with his new son again. "Now it's gross," he says. He gets serious and asks for another shot of morphine; his pain is back. Or is it? Cuddy informs House that she didn't give him morphine after all: she gave him saline. House got Placebo'd! After all that talk about how everyone had psychosomatic problems and attempts to trick them into admitting it, the only person whose physical problems were caused by his mind was House himself. Awesome. And needless to say, Cuddy rocks.
House spends his night playing the piano, probably to distract himself from his problems. He'll make his leg feel better with music! Okay, he won't. He plays a wrong note and stares at his bottle of Vicodin, which is conveniently located on top of the piano. He empties the bottle and stares at his mighty collection of pills as Ryan Adams comes back to bookend the show. House takes just one pill and rubs his leg resignedly. We get a week off to wonder how much of House's leg pain is real and how much is psychosomatic, and whether he really needs all those Vicodins.