I was so close to writing ten pages of nonsense words and sending it off to Wing Chun with the excuse that this episode was so off of House's usual greatness that I came down with a case of aphasia myself, but just writing the blurbs in aphasia language was probably more exhausting that doing them in English, so I gave up. ["It's probably just as well, since I have no idea how I would edit that. 'She wrote "strawberry," but I'm sure she meant "stilts"'?" -- Wing Chun] Sorry, aphasiacs! You'll just have to run the recap through the English-Aphasic translator at www.babelfish.aphasia.stringcheese/modulator_racoons again.
A large banner wishes Greta a happy retirement, thereby putting the odds on her being our latest patient of the week at 3:2. A rugged-looking man, in a slow and flat tone that shows us all why he's not an on-air personality, tells the assembled office party a story from his danger reporter days about how Greta, his managing editor, was there for him when the police wanted him to give up a source, although not so much that she wouldn't stop him from going to jail. Kind of like that episode of Murphy Brown, except probably not as funny, although I'm sure Greta is much more entertaining than that annoying Miles. Now that Fletch is forty-five, he exposits that he's given up the life of a hard-boiled reporter from a '40s noir movie (seriously, his name is "Fletch"? Why not just call him "Scoop Whitley," throw a fedora with a press card in the hatband on his head, and get it over with?), and all the drinking and drugging that apparently went with it, for a new life with his new wife, and then toasts Greta. Great toast there, Mr. Self-Absorbed. The crowd applauds, and Greta smiles shyly. She seems nice. Too bad she's doomed to become the patient of the week. Or maybe not, as Fletch finishes his speech with a truly amazing fall to the ground, smacking his face on a nearby desk on his way down. Wife and Greta run to his side and revive him. Fletch wakes up and announces that he "flung the investment." Everyone laughs nervously. Fletch gets to his feet and repeats the nonsense words. No one is laughing anymore. Fletch seems confused at the reaction. "Why can sign?" he asks. Greta goes to call 911. "It's proficient," Fletch says, sounding annoyed. "Why disqualify the rush? I'm tabled." He's apparently unaware of the difference between what he thinks he's saying and what he's actually saying. Unless Greta comes down with some flesh-eating bacteria problem on her way to the phone, it looks like she won't be the patient of the week after all.
In an unwelcome show of continuity, Foreman's still in Asshole Supervisor mode, his labcoat nowhere to be seen and his feet kicked up on the desk. Cuddy walks in for a surprise visit, and Foreman immediately straightens up and tries to look like he wasn't just totally acting like House (except for the 'being able to put both legs up on the desk' part). Cuddy needs a referral to the best diagnostic department in the area that isn't PPTH, since House is off in Baltimore (the Baltimore in Siberia if those ads about House being "thousands of miles away" are to be believed), and Cuddy doesn't have any faith in his underlings. Foreman bristles at this -- as well he should, since Cuddy is being really insulting here -- but lists off some names for her before he goes blind from being subjected to the ugliness that is Cuddy's latest poor shirt decision: a fuchsia-colored mock turtleneck sweater with a flower growing out of it just above Cuddy's right boob. It's so ugly that even weeds won't touch it, allowing the flower to bloom in all its tacky glory. Why does Lisa Edelstein's wardrobe only come in either Prim 'N Proper Puritan or Plunging Neckline That's Probably Not Appropriate For An Office Environment? Isn't there a happy medium somewhere? And maybe we can stop with the bright fuchsia, too. When Foreman finds out that the patient has a neurological problem resulting from a fall, he's even more offended that Cuddy doesn't think he can handle the job, and tells her to call his referrals herself in case he says something "stupid," like any doctor in the county or even the state would be surprised and offended by anything someone in House's office said to him. Somehow, this convinces Cuddy just to give Foreman the case. He grins in self-satisfaction.
“ Fletch tested positive for amphetamines, meaning that Chase was the rightest right that ever did right, while Foreman and Cameron are wrong-ass losers. ”
Over in distant Baltimore, Medicaid Guy has a problem with House's prescription of Viagra for someone with a heart condition, especially since said patient is a woman who I'm guessing is not having a problem with erectile dysfunction. House explains that Patient Dolores couldn't take nitroglycerin, so he prescribed the Viagra for its vasodilating properties, which he's sure Medicaid Guy is more than familiar with, since House thinks it's smart to insult the manhood of the guy who could do some bad things to House's ability to practice medicine. House says he'd be willing to pay for the pills himself if Medicaid won't cover off-label drug usage, and now he's in trouble for trying to bribe the guy. Stacy tries a different tack, appealing to Medicaid Guy's upcoming retirement and to his own personal feelings about the faults of the Medicaid system. House is both shocked and confused as to how and why someone would try to catch flies with honey rather than cane varnish, but goes along with it.
Outside the office, Stacy and House congratulate themselves on a successful and reasonably fast trip to the Medicaid office. House tries to invite Stacy out for dinner, but she somehow managed to find out when his flight was leaving, and knows that it's too soon for them to have dinner together. She also made sure to book a separate flight from him. House thinks that this is about their relationship, but maybe Stacy just prefers sitting in a bulkhead seat and knows that House, being handicapped and therefore unable to assist passengers in the event of an emergency, wouldn't be able to sit to her anyway and she didn't want him to feel bad.
The Cottages give Fletch various brain tests until he starts gagging and choking, because his lung has collapsed. Well, that didn't take long. Foreman says they'll need to intubate, and all three Cottages go for the cart at the same time, like when a bunch of people try to enter an elevator at once and get stuck in the doorway, except that this time, some poor guy is behind them dying and suffering due to their inability to function as a team when their boss is away.
The Cottages stare at Fletch's chest x-ray. He has fluid in his lungs, meaning that his problems did not stem from his hitting his head on that desk after all. Chase triumphantly thrusts the results of his tox screen in their faces. Fletch tested positive for amphetamines, meaning that Chase was the rightest right that ever did right, while Foreman and Cameron are wrong-ass losers. Smoking amphetamines, Chase explains, will give you a pulmonary edema. Cameron rolls her eyes and wonders what health consequences await her recent decision to have fun with meth. Foreman protests that Fletch wrote a book about quitting drugs and alcohol and about how great being clean and sober has been. "Everybody lies," Chase says, flashing the smug House smile he's been practicing in the mirror for since he got the job. ["Everybody especially lies about their path through drug use to sobriety, apparently." -- Wing Chun] That, or Fletch was just writing down his personal recollection of events as according to the memoir genre rules that he just made up on Larry King Live, in which case Fletch didn't really lie and Oprah can still love him. ["Great minds think alike!" -- Wing Chun]
“ House pulls the boy's rubber ball out of his coat pocket, where he's managed to conceal it after stealing it from him. Stealing from children is wrong, but maybe not so wrong when the child is such a brat. And it's still not as wrong as kissing children, Chase. ”
Meanwhile, Wilson is without his usual cafeteria buddy and therefore forced to listen to a female co-worker's tearful story about how her boyfriend was a jerk to her. Wilson nods sympathetically as he mentally reconsiders his opinion that there's no worse lunch companion than his chip-stealing, bill-stiffing friend. His cell phone rings. It's House, calling from the Baltimore airport and wondering how his aphasic patient is doing. Apparently, Cuddy called House to tell him all about it as soon as she left Fletch's file with Foreman. Smart Cuddy. Wilson is happy for the excuse to leave Nurse Weepsalot, and brings House up to speed on Fletch's condition -- which he knows all about despite being an oncologist who isn't involved in this case -- adding that Fletch now has a temperature, which means that his problems were not actually caused by drug use. We are denied a chance to see Chase's smug smile turn into a disappointed frown while Cameron and Foreman laugh and dance circles around him. House has problems of his own, however -- a young boy has taken to bouncing his rubber ball against the back of House's chair while his mother reads a magazine and makes a lackluster effort to parent him. I'll bet that kid will be a real treat for the poor soul who gets stuck sitting to or in front of him on his flight.
The Cottages are back to differential-diagnosing now they have some more symptoms to work with. They think Fletch either has a neurological infection or an autoimmune disease, because Foreman and Cameron specialize in those fields respectively and are always ready, willing, and able to assume that their patients are suffering from them no matter what their symptoms actually are. Chase just sulks. The phone rings. It's House, wondering how high Fletch's fever is and why the Cottages haven't called him about it yet. He orders them to treat Fletch for a possible meningitis or encephalitis infection, and to do an MRI on Fletch that they should've lied, cheated, and stolen to get done earlier, as Chase is happy to report to House that Foreman had trouble getting the use of the machine the right way. You know -- the way that doesn't endanger the lives of whatever patients are waiting for the machine before Fletch, and who therefore presumably have a more urgent need for it. House is very disappointed in their honesty as he pulls the boy's rubber ball out of his coat pocket, where he's managed to conceal it after stealing it from him. The boy looks for his ball futilely. Stealing from children is wrong, but maybe not so wrong when the child is such a brat. And it's still not as wrong as kissing children, Chase. He tells them to get a proper medical history from Fletch, despite the obvious difficulties, and says that his flight should be in in a few hours. As soon as House is gone, Cameron snarks that Foreman doesn't seem like he's all that in charge of House after all. I guess she's given up on the diplomatic approach.
Chase tries to get Fletch's medical history by asking him yes or no questions. He narrows down Fletch's last visit out of the country to between two and three years ago.
Cameron sits down with Wifey, who tells her that Fletch hasn't been out of the country since he settled down with her, and that his last vacation was a golfing trip with some friends.
“ Fletch has cleaned up his act, but the resulting lack of excitement in his life was apparently giving him trouble sleeping. He started taking sleeping pills to fall asleep, and then needed amphetamines to wake up. And then he ate fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and died on his toilet. ”
Greta tells Foreman that Fletch's golf trip was more like one last drinking binge through the Florida Keys before he got married to his totally unfun wife.
Chase asks Fletch about drinking and drug use, specifically amphetamines. "No," Fletch says. Chase informs him that he tested positive for them. The elevator closes before Fletch can try to claim that when he said "no" he actually meant to say yes, but, you know, the aphasia bedspread Lean Cuisine slacks.
Wifey tells Cameron that she and Fletch decided on to have a "different kind of life" when they became engaged. Apparently, she, too, has some aphasia, since I believe that she meant to say "when we got engaged, I took that as free license to start turning Fletch into the type of man I wanted him to be, rather than the man he actually was."
Of course, Greta's got a different take on the matter. Fletch has cleaned up his act, but the resulting lack of excitement in his life was apparently giving him trouble sleeping. He started taking sleeping pills to fall asleep, and then needed amphetamines to wake up. And then he ate fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and died on his toilet.
As Chase is starting to wheel Fletch into the MRI tube, Fletch grabs Chase's arm and tells him to "keep the stain. Knife can't force." He seems worried, and Chase interprets his comments to mean that he doesn't want his wife to know about the drugs. Chase assures him that they won't tell her until Cameron lets something slip like she always does, and Fletch relaxes.
The MRI has shows some swelling and an old scar. Foreman's not sure what the scar's about, since it isn't in the right location to have anything to do with aphasia, and his questions about it to Fletch are met with an annoyed "what is the durable?"
Back at Plotimore Contrivance Airport, House finds Stacy and hands her some coffee from a paper bag. Who stores full cups of hot coffee in a freaking paper bag? I would think that even people with a cane could use one of those egg carton holders. Stacy lowers herself to accepting House's offer, and they both get a chance to do a crappy job of acting like those coffee cups have any liquid in them. House asks Stacy what they should talk about now, and the show cuts to a commercial break to give us all time to recover from the incredible disappointment and dread of what's to come.
“ They escape by ducking behind a huge indoor waterfall that has absolutely no business being in a hospital. Come on now. ”
In Jersey, Chase is pushing for a lumbar puncture, arguing that if Fletch has meningitis, they have to identify it as soon as possible, because meningitis plays for keeps. Cameron points out that doing an LP on someone with a pulmonary edema is very dangerous, so they shouldn't do it unless it's absolutely necessary. They ask Foreman for his opinion, and he says...oh wait, I'm sorry, they didn't ask for Foreman's opinion at all. They asked him for House's But House's cell phone is no longer working, so they'll just have to figure this out themselves. Step 1: break into Fletch's house and get more information. Cuddy starts walking over, and Cameron bids both guys adieu, managing to get out of both breaking and entering AND having to deal with a pissed-off-looking Cuddy. Nice move, Cammy. Every week, she gets cooler and cooler. Foreman and Chase breeze past Cuddy, who wants an update on Fletch's condition and to know why they're in such a hurry. Their crappy excuse is that they're going out to dinner, and that Cuddy can't join them because they reservation is for two only. I hope that's a reservation in the hospital cafeteria, or else Cuddy's going to be even more angry that Chase and Foreman took off for fine dining while their patient did some fine dying. They escape by ducking behind a huge indoor waterfall that has absolutely no business being in a hospital. Come on now.
After instadiagnosing the entire airport staff with various ailments, House is now moving on to the passengers. First up is Stacy, of course, who isn't wearing the ttrademark cross necklace that House knows her never to be without. Stacy claims that she forget it at home. Maybe she has Alzheimer's and will forget ever knowing House by week so that we never have to see her again.
Chase and Foreman search through Fletch's tastefully appointed home. They find Fletch's amphetamines and some Topomax, which pisses them off since he lied to them about not taking anything else. Unless when he said "I don't take Topomax" he actually meant to say "I would like pudding instead of Jell-O with my dinner tray tonight" and it was all a humorous misunderstanding. They don't find anything else of significance except for an abandoned home-improvement project that Chase uses to make a general statement about people who take on projects thinking they can do them and then realize they're more than they can handle. Foreman takes exception to this, and says that the abandoned project is "medically irrelevant." IS IT?!?! Chase makes some more comments about how Foreman was a lot more self-assured when he had House above him to take the heat for his wrong decisions. Now that Foreman's in charge, he's wearing newsboy caps at a jaunty angle and hesitating when it comes to making patient-care decisions.
Back at the airport, House is reading Lesbian Prison Stories, which is made even more hilarious by the fact that the book's cover calls it a "classic" book in refined calligraphic font. Brilliant! But even tales of hot naughty woman-on-woman action isn't as interesting to House as the Mystery of the Missing Necklace. Maybe he should be reading some Nancy Drew instead of whatever he could find at the airport's adult bookstore. He wonders aloud what could have happened to make Stacy leave the house in such a hurry that she forgot her most treasured possession. Stacy scowls. Or maybe she's trying to smile. Hard to tell.