A father and son walk out of a building that appears to be decorated for the upcoming Christmas season. Dad is thrilled, because he just paid his last Princeton bill. Son is thrilled that he graduated. Dad says he's really proud of his son, and he knows Son's dead mother would have been, too. They hug, and Dad tells Son not to drink too much tonight. Son says that won't be a problem; he's had enough alcohol in the last week to last him another four years. Dad's like, "Good. Wait, not really."
Cut the son being a total liar and chugging beer at a frat party while Korn's cover of "Word Up" plays in the background. That song would make me want to drink a lot, too. The son, named Carnell, finishes his beer, making his team the apparent winners of whatever drinking game you play on a ping-pong table that isn't Beer Pong. Carnell ebulliently embraces his friend and calls him "the man." "Tell me something I don't know!" "the man" says. Puh-leeze; if he really was "the man," he would have responded with something much cooler. Suddenly, electricity sound effects play and Carnell shakes and yells at his friend for shocking him. His friend denies it, and Carnell is shocked again. He yells that whoever is doing this to him had better stop right now, and then the Magic School Bus Cam travels down his lightning-filled spine, making it apparent that Carnell is shocking himself. I didn't even know the human body could do that.
Post-credits, Wilson checks out Carnell, who is still shocking himself, as the dad stands around, looking concerned.
Then Wilson's at the whiteboard, writing Carnell's symptoms on it. Cameron and Chase observe, looking very confused as to why Wilson is writing on the whiteboard and not their boss, or because Wilson's handwriting is illegible. Sensible Foreman has given up on Wilson's handwriting and is reading Carnell's file. As Wilson rules out MS as Carnell's problem, House strolls in, wearing a hot new leather jacket. He bids the team a good morning, and Foreman mutters that it's almost time for lunch. How does House still have a job? Honestly. Meanwhile, Cameron just wants to know what's up with House's new jacket. "It keeps me warm AND cool," House responds with a Fonztastic flip of his slightly-less-than-Fonztastic hair. Wilson gets down to the business of House's newest patient, whom House has only found out about now. House reluctantly agrees to take the case, however, because he owes Wilson after borrowing $5000 from him the night before. Cameron interrupts the work-related chatter to ask House why he needed that much money. Cameron really needs to learn that there's a time and a place for questions about new jackets and money troubles, and it's not in the middle of discussing a new case. Chase answers for House that it was either a bad night of poker or a good night with a hooker. House thanks Chase for making the joke for him, and Chase beams with approval and feels all twinkly inside. House instadiagnoses Carnell with a nitrous oxide overdose thanks to too much college partying, but Wilson says they've already treated him for that and ruled out everything else that could have caused the shocks. House notes that one of Carnell's symptoms, his low white count, could be caused by the fact that he's "black," which House assumes means Carnell's "not just really dirty but is of African descent." And black people naturally have a lower white count. Wilson says it's not that low. Why hasn't Foreman killed his boss yet? "Not just really dirty"? Come on! With all diagnosis options exhausted, House orders the Cottages to figure out what's missing. Foreman asks what that's supposed to mean. House tells them to figure it out. He'll be at lunch.
“ Foreman, sniffing the air, pulls Carnell's sheet up to reveal a nice brown stain coming from his pelvic region. Well, that's great. I guess I can cross 'shit puddle' off my list of 'things I never thought I'd be subjected to while recapping a non-HBO show.' ”
The Cottages stroll up, and Suck-Up Chase is, of course, the first person to compliment House's new wheels. Practical Cameron wants to know where House's cane goes while he's riding. House's second answer to that question (the first, of course, being a lewd suggestion) is to put his cane in a snazzy little cane-holder on the side of his bike. Awesome. Even More Practical Foreman just wants to discuss their patient, but House immaturely revs his bike every time Foreman tries to speak, drowning out his voice. Seriously, why hasn't Foreman killed him yet? Finally, Foreman gets a chance to talk, and simply says that they're out of options. House suggests checking the police reports from Carnell's mother's red herring...I mean, "fatal car accident." He thinks it's a little odd that she drove off the road in broad daylight, especially considering that her of kin is now experiencing sudden incapacitating shocks. Could it be...type two neurofibromatosis? A DNA analysis of chromosome twenty-two will confirm his suspicions. The Cottages leave to do that, and House once again asks Wilson out, assuring him that it'll be much more fun than dinner with Wilson's wife, who isn't speaking to him right now. "Unlike her, I can make it worth your while," House says. Wilson finally accepts the invitation on the conditions that he drives and he gets to make sure House has the money to pay for dinner before they leave. Love is in the air!
Foreman and Cameron explain House's NF2 theory to Carnell and his dad as Foreman swabs Carnell's cheek to get his DNA. Dad is skeptical, since neither he nor his wife had this hereditary disease. Cameron asks whether either of them noticed "nodules in the iris," as if people do monthly iris checks like women do breast self-exams. Well, maybe Cameron does. She says they think NF2 might have caused Carnell's mother's car accident, which Carnell immediately has a problem with, since he was told his mother was killed by a drunk driver. "That's not what the police report indicated," Foreman says, managing to be even more clueless right now than Cameron. Dad has to admit that he totally made up that drunk driver story to scare his son out of driving drunk. Understandably, Carnell is really pissed. Actually, he's more "pooped" than "pissed," as Foreman, sniffing the air, pulls Carnell's sheet up to reveal a nice brown stain coming from his pelvic region. Well, that's great. I guess I can cross "shit puddle" off my list of "things I never thought I'd be subjected to while recapping a non-HBO show." That, and "the Colonel discussing his droopy wood." So thanks for that, House. Carnell says he didn't feel this happen. Foreman checks, and Carnell still has feeling in his toes. Just not, apparently, his ass. I just want to know what's wrong with Cameron that, when asked, she said she didn't smell anything. This is the second time in two weeks she's denied smelling something poopy. Either she's just being really tactful, or something is wrong with the poop-smell receptors in her nose. I think we should be told.
“ I don't know why no one believes House that that really was Angelina Jolie; if anything, her marriage to an older yet still extremely immature man with a fondness for hair plugs and drugs shows that House is just her type. ”
"Sphincter Paralysis" is the newest symptom on the whiteboard, where we also see that Wilson's crappy handwriting has been erased and replaced with House's neater style. Foreman thinks they're looking at Miller Fisher's syndrome, which has the unique distraction of being the first disease on this show that is spelled just like it sounds. ["And sounds like a brand of old-tyme candy!" -- Wing Chun] Chase doesn't think so, since the kid's stool sample was negative for C. jejuni. I mean, obviously, Foreman. House is still hung up on Carnell's dad lying to his son about his own mother's death. Unsolicited, Cameron says she has absolutely no problem with parents lying to their kids to protect them. Yeah, that works really great until the kid inevitably finds out about the lie and the resulting inability to trust his parents and anger over having been deceived by the people he loves the most is ten times worse than finding out whatever his parents were lying about in the first place. Of course, Cameron wouldn't know about that, since she probably still believes in Santa Claus. "They lie because they love us," House snarks, although we will later find out that he subscribes whole-heartedly to this notion when he benefits from it. Foreman says that Carnell's mom is irrelevant anyway: the DNA tests, which were done in absolute record time, came back negative for any genetic markers.
House wants more information about Carnell's poop; was it a "peeker," or did the "prairie dog" "come out to play?" I think I was happier when they were using medical terms I had to spend ten minutes figuring out how to spell. Cameron says that the discharge was more of a "gush" than an "explosion," cringing at the fact that she has been reduced to fecal stream comparisons. House thinks this is important, although he's not sure how. He answers a phone call as Foreman grumbles about how sick he is of House's riddles. "Hi, Mom," House says to the phone, and Cameron's head snaps around so fast I'm surprised she didn't experience some sphincter paralysis herself. Even Foreman's interest is piqued. House tells his mother that he has an "important business dinner" on Thursday, so he won't be able to see her. He hangs up, and Cameron presses him for details. House says that was Angelina Jolie on the phone. She likes it when House calls her "Mom." "Who thinks that's sexy?" House asks. No one does, with the rumored exception of Colin Farrell. I don't know why no one believes House that that really was Angelina Jolie; if anything, her marriage to an older yet still extremely immature man with a fondness for hair plugs and drugs shows that House is just her type.
House wants to go back to analyzing Carnell's poop, but Cameron won't be deterred! "[House's mom] never calls here; is everything okay?" she asks. To get her off his back, House admits that his parents are stopping in Newark for a nine-hour layover on their way to Europe, and that they wanted to have dinner with him. Carnell might have a gastrointestinal problem and -- Cameron can't believe House just lied to his own mother to avoid seeing her! House says that Wilson invited him to dinner, and that he's not about to turn down a guy who just loaned him $5000. Foreman thinks Carnell has transverse myelitis, which would explain his shocks and sphincter issues. And here I was, blissfully unaware that there were any conditions that could cause your own body to painfully shock itself, when it turns out that there are several. That sucks. House sarcastically, but probably just a little bit sincerely, thanks Foreman for not caring about House's mom, and asks what could cause the transverse myelitis besides cancer and MS. Foreman suggests an infection. All tests have shown no evidence of a current infection, which Foreman explains away by saying that the infection could be long gone, "but the memory remains." "Molecular mimicry. Nice," House says. I'll take his word for it. He orders them to get an immunoglobulin level and electrophoresis. The Cottages leave. "You're good, my friend. I'm sure we'll meet again," House says to the air.
“ Carnell snuck off to Jamaica with some rich school friends during Spring Break, which House says was 'over a month ago.' It must have been the Spring Break in the weird space-time continuum that the Christmas- themed buildings and graduation ceremonies of ambiguous dates also exist in. ”
The Cottages walk down the hall, all abuzz about House's mother. Well, Cameron is, anyway. Foreman claims not to care, although he's thought about it enough to guess that House's mom must be a "piece of work" to have created such a monster of a son. Chase's theory is that House was born bad and spent his childhood tormenting his parents. Cameron asks them to do her work for her while she snoops around her boss's personal business.
Cameron's first stop is Wilson's office, where she asks him if he can cancel his dinner plans with House so that House can see his parents. Wilson grumbles that this is the fourth time he has loaned House a significant amount of money, which is interesting, but not to Cameron, who steers Wilson back to the subject at hand. Wilson agrees to cancel the dinner, but Cameron has a better idea: she asks Wilson to add a few names to the invitation. She probably meant her own name, but Wilson seems to think she meant the Houserents. Now, normally, I'd be making fun of Cameron for being such an annoying busybody, but I really want to meet House's parents, too, so I'm cool with it. And it's not like House hasn't pulled this stuff on other people before.
Foreman and Chase finish Carnell's lumbar puncture. He complains of feeling nauseated and asks his dad to get him a Coke. Dad runs out to do that, and Carnell rolls his eyes in disgust. He tells the doctor that doesn't really feel sick; he just wanted his dad out of the room. Not because he's angry at him about the dead mom story -- although I'm sure that one still stings a little -- but because...
We cut back to the meeting room, where House is thoroughly irritated to hear that Carnell snuck off to Jamaica with some rich school friends during Spring Break, which House says was "over a month ago." It must have been the Spring Break in the weird space-time continuum that the Christmas-themed buildings and graduation ceremonies of ambiguous dates also exist in. Cameron enters and explains her tardiness with the enigmatic excuse of "making dinner plans." House gets her up to speed with the "shocking" fact that Carnell and his dad have a "crappy relationship." Yes, but is it explosive or gushing? And why does House think it's a good idea for a middle-aged man to wear an unflattering skin-tight t-shirt? Women aren't the only people whose boobs are affected by gravity. House suspects thatCarnell spent his Jamaica time smoking a lot of weed, which could have been sprayed with pesticides that cause transverse myelitis. (Someone on the writing staff of this show has a real problem with pesticides.) House tells the Cottages to start treating Carnell for that. Foreman angrily objects, saying that House has no proof of his diagnosis. Foreman seems to have been living under a rock for the last season and a half. House assures him that it will be super-awesome when Carnell gets better and proves that House was right, since House, too, has apparently been living under that same rock and doesn't realize that whatever diagnosis he makes before the show passes the fifty-minute mark will be wrong, and that treatment for it will only make his patient worse. Foreman and Chase go off to do that, but House asks Cameron to stay behind so that he can ask her about those dinner plans. For the first time ever, Cameron is reluctant to say anything.
“ Wilson says that he, too, has been doing a little experiment: lying to House in increasing amounts, starting with the time last year when he told House he looked good with stubble. Wilson rolls his eyes and closes his car door in House's face. Oh, day-amn! House got TOLD! What what! ”
Wilson is accosted in the parking lot (apparently, he and House lost their cushy parking-garage spots) by an angry man with a cane. "You bastard!" says the man who borrowed five thousand dollars from his friend and then used said friend to get out of dinner with the 'rents. Wilson says that Cameron has a "big mouth," which confirms House's suspicions. Wilson says he doesn't appreciate being used, especially since he probably had much higher hopes about the nature of their dinner after House said that stuff about making it worth Wilson's while. House asks whether this about the money he borrowed and has yet to pay back. Wilson says it isn't, but now that they're on the subject.... House whips out a checkbook and starts writing a check for the entire amount he owes. You see, House never actually needed any of Wilson's money; he was just doing a "little experiment" to see how much money Wilson would give House before he asked for it back. Wow, it's really sad that House thinks he needs to test his friends like that, and that he thinks friendship can be measured in money. Wilson sputters, rendered almost speechless, and House offers him a check in exchange for canceling the dinner plans with his parents. Wilson agrees to the deal, takes the check, and tells House that if he wants to cancel on his parents, he can call them himself. House is shocked that Wilson would actually lie to House. Wilson says that he, too, has been doing a little experiment: lying to House in increasing amounts, starting with the time last year when he told House he looked good with stubble. Wilson rolls his eyes and closes his car door in House's face. Oh, day-amn! House got TOLD! What what! Awesome. It's about time Wilson justified his existence on this show.
The day, Cuddy goes to Foreman and voices her disgust that they're treating Carnell for pesticide poisoning they have no proof he's suffering from. Cuddy doesn't know how they'll explain that to the hospital's lawyers. Aw, crap, does that mean Stacy is coming back? Also, Cuddy, you're House's boss. If you're really concerned, why not try acting like it? Foreman and Cuddy enter Carnell's room, where they find the patient looking remarkably better and eating the hell out of his breakfast. Dad thanks them for saving his son. Dad apparently thinks this is a half-hour show, since we're only at the twenty-five-minute mark. Carnell should be taking a turn for the worse any minute now...
House is exceptionally thrilled with himself. Cuddy doesn't think he should celebrate just yet, since the kid is still experiencing shocks, although admittedly less than before (I'll say -- we haven't seen Carnell electrocute himself since that one he did it front of Cameron), and his white count is still really low. Best of all, House says, Carnell has regained the use of his sphincter, which is benefits everyone except Cameron of the Malfunctioning Olfactory Senses. House assures Cuddy that the shocks will stop and that the white count will go up in time. Then he gets a phone call that seems to say different. "I'll be right there," he says.