Meanwhile, Hank gets worse.
House enters his office to find Lola sitting in his chair. He tells her that Hank is not on the list, and that she needs to leave his chair. Lola gets up and volunteers one of her kidneys. House says that's a very noble, if empty, gesture, since the chances of someone not related to Hank being a match are pretty slim. Hey, tell that to George Lopez. "Do you live alone?" Lola asks. You see, she's made the astute observation that House hates people, but she doesn't understand why he can't see that there are people in the world who love and need each other, even if House himself isn't one of them. House says this is all irrelevant. True love does not a kidney donor match make.
Chase and Cameron are hanging out at a bar together. Foreman joins them from the bathroom, and Chase says that he got a text while he was away, with the cryptic message of "Friday night." Foreman thanks Chase for looking at his text messages, and asks him to cover for him. Chase says he's going to the Oncology seminar, and that he believes House that Foreman was lying about the car trouble before and has a feeling that the text message has something to do with it. Foreman accuses Chase of being a suck-up. Chase says he likes House because House says and does whatever he wants. Then they all wonder why House keeps asking them for money.
"I scored," House says. The reason for all those mysterious phone calls is now revealed, as House hands Wilson a manila envelope that contains two all-access passes to "paradise itself" -- the biggest "official" Monster Truck Jam in the history of New Jersey, and it's this FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!!! I wonder what the biggest "unofficial" Monster Truck Jam was like. Anyway, Wilson can't go. House orders him to cancel whatever he has planned, because those tickets are so good that they have to sign a release form to use them. Also, they cost House a thousand dollars. Wilson is a speaker at the Oncology seminar. They booked him a year ago and there's no way he can back out. House says he'll just invite one of his other friends, then. Wilson doubts this. House says he'll invite Kevin from Bookkeeping. Wilson points out that Kevin's name is actually Carl. House says "Kevin" is Carl's "secret friendship club name." My secret friendship club name is "I'm Awesome."
Foreman and Chase joke that House needs money for lots of hookers. Cameron does not find this funny. Foreman asks if Cameron doesn't think House has sex. Chase says that House doesn't have sex -- he makes love. Cameron fantasizes until the lab calls with the results of Lola's kidney donor matching test.
“ Cameron asks House what appropriate Monster Truck Rally attire is. Probably not a bustier- vest, although I doubt that will stop her. ”
House meets Lola in a hallway somewhere. She says that Hank should be present for this as well, and House says that he would much rather be with Hank than with Lola, but that he has some results that he thinks should be discussed with Lola first, and alone. She is a kidney match for Hank. She's also pregnant. Lola is overjoyed at the double dose of good news until House tells her that her pregnancy means she can't donate her kidney. Lola leaves to talk to Hank.
Foreman tells Hank that he's good to go for the kidney transplant. Hank says he won't do it because it will mean his baby dies. Foreman says that Lola is making the abortion appointment as they speak, so husband and wife may want to have another talk about this. Hank says that he and Lola have been trying to get pregnant since they met, which would be, what, six months ago? Anyway, he doesn't care if he dies as long as he knows he has done his part for biology by procreating.
Cameron asks House what he would do if faced with an ethical dilemma like Hank and Lola's. House doesn't really want to answer, but says that if the baby-killing transplant allowed someone he loved to live for a long time, he'd do it, but if it was only, like, six months, he'd let her die. His tipping point is seven years, eight months, and fourteen days. Sucks for the loved one if the lifespan expectancy is seven years, eight months, and thirteen days, doesn't it? Not like it matters all that much, seeing as House isn't likely to have to make any decisions for people he loves any time soon. Cameron says she wouldn't abort the fetus no matter what. On that note, House asks her if she likes Monster Trucks. "I don't know what they are," Cameron says. Did she not have a childhood? That would explain a lot. I've never been to a Monster Truck Rally either, but I do know what they are, having had my foot run over by their R/C counterparts many a time in my youth. House invites her to the rally. "Like a...date?" Cameron asks, ever so hopeful. "Exactly. Except for the date part," House says. Ha ha! Then he tells her just to forget it, and limps into his office. Though separated by a rather thick-looking wall, Cameron tells House that she was supposed to go to the Oncology seminar on Friday, but just found out that Wilson cancelled his talk two weeks ago, so she's now free. Cameron asks House what appropriate Monster Truck Rally attire is. Probably not a bustier-vest, although I doubt that will stop her.
The Cottages prepare Hank for transplant, but then his heart rate goes crazy and his potassium levels surge. So it's not Addison's and steroids after all. Good thing they found this all out BEFORE the baby died and the kidney was harvested!
Cameron attempts to explain the change in Hank's condition with a crappy baseball metaphor, and he gives her an "A for effort." She says there's no point in doing the transplant surgery anymore.
“ House meets Wilson, who inquires as to what happened to House's pants. Wilson is always interested in House's pants. ”
Hank's heart rate goes down. They don't know why, and they can't stabilize him.
That night, a sleeping/dying Hank gets a visit from Sarge, who further induces a coma by talking about the first time Sarge saw Hank pitch. Hank wakes up and says that he hurts everywhere. Sarge says that they must have dialed down Hank's morphine, which is just wrong if the guy is in pain. Fortunately, he's got some painkillers in his pocket that Hank can take. Hank says no, but reaches for them.
And we see that he's reaching into the air because he's hallucinating. House watches. Wilson enters the room, and House tells him about Hank's new symptoms. Wilson says that hallucinations and weird heart rates point to a digitalis overdose, although there's no reason Hank would have taken that. House says it's clever deductions like that that make Wilson such a great doctor and so in demand for speaking at things like Oncology seminars. He starts to walk away, and Wilson says "the only thing is..." and House stops, ready to hear Wilson tell him the truth now that he's been presented with the opportunity. But Wilson just says that a digitalis overdose would only explain the later symptoms. House just nods and sulks about how his only friend is a LYING LIAR.
Over at a baseball field or whatever, Sarge gives a completely distracted player some pitching tips, and then notices House sitting nearby. He excuses himself and asks House how he got in. House says that he just claimed to be the new Dominican shortstop. Sarge makes a note to fire the entire security staff. House says that Sarge has clubbing on his fingers, a sign of heart problems. Sarge says he takes digitalis for it, and shows House his bottle of pills. There aren't very many pills in the bottle, and Sarge could've sworn that he just got that bottle refilled. House says that Hank stole them to kill himself.
House glares at Hank, and then asks him how and why he stole Sarge's pills. Big insurance payoff for Lola? Those gold-digging wives always need more money. Hank says that money had nothing to do with it. House says it doesn't really matter, since they're proceeding with the transplant surgery/baby kill. Hank grabs House's arm as he stands up, knocking him into a bottle of pee that spills all over House's leg. "Never visit a patient," House tells himself. At least, never visit a patient with a bottle of piss precariously balanced to the visitor's chair. Hank says that he wants his baby, and that the time they try to kill it for his transplant, his suicide attempt won't fail. House says that he'll go ahead and treat Hank for the Addison's, then, and Hank can go ahead and die.
Off the elevator, House meets Wilson, who inquires as to what happened to House's pants. Wilson is always interested in House's pants. House says he's going to sell his authentic Hank Wiggen-piss pants on eBay. Wilson says it's not that bad, giving House the opening to say he doesn't believe anything Wilson says, seeing as he lied to him about Friday night. "Are we breaking up?" he asks before I can. House retreats to his office, leaving Wilson to sigh about his ethical dilemma.
“ 'So... he'll die?' Lola asks. 'Probably,' says House. Lola bursts into tears and hugs House. He rolls his eyes and hopes no one sees this or takes a picture to use as blackmail material later. ”
As House looks through a duffle bag for a new pair of pants, Wilson enters the office and tells him that he's having dinner with Stacy on Friday. House asks if Wilson is talking about Stacy the Stripper. Wilson reluctantly says it's Stacy the Constitutional Lawyer. "You thought I couldn't handle this news?" House asks, and Wilson doesn't respond. Wilson says he hasn't talked to Stacy in a long time, and that if House doesn't want him to see her, he won't. House says this isn't eighth grade, and aggressively zips his pants-less duffle closed as he says he has "no right" to be mad at Wilson for seeing this mysterious Stacy, since Wilson and Stacy are friends. He asks Wilson to say hi to her for House. He's going to get some pants.
Before he can put on something urine-stench free, Lola grabs him in the hall and says she will not let House kill her husband. She's getting an abortion; they'll have another baby later. Except that I don't know how safe it is to be pregnant with only one kidney. House says that Hank doesn't want Lola's kidney, and that he's allowed to make that decision. "So...he'll die?" Lola asks. "Probably," says House. Lola bursts into tears and hugs House. He rolls his eyes and hopes no one sees this or takes a picture to use as blackmail material later. He just spent a load of money on those Monster Truck tickets; he can't make another withdrawal to pay someone off for fear that he'll reveal what a softy House is. House tells Lola to have the baby, since Hank will die either way. Then he lifts an arm and gives Lola the most awkward, pathetic, and, since it's House, sweetest pat on the back ever. The moment is quickly ruined when House asks Lola why she hasn't mentioned anything about how he has piss all over his pants. Lola only just noticed that they were wet. She didn't smell anything. Hmmm.
Chase and Cameron have dinner and talk about the Wiggen case. I like seeing the Cottages hang out together. They've evolved from those awkward initial interactions to almost being friends, despite House's best efforts. Chase says it's interesting that House asked Cameron, of all people, to go to that Monster Truck Rally. Cameron tells him not to read anything into that. Foreman's hot date from earlier in the show sits down and says that if their patient decides to get dialysis for his kidney problems, she has some good products they may want to check out. Ah, so our pharmaceutical rep is Foreman's love interest, and is using company money to court more than just their business. Foreman sits down, and everyone starts talking about how awesome it is that pharmaceutical companies give them dinner and trips to Bermuda on the pretense of selling their products to doctors.
House enters the restaurant and asks Sharon, the "new Arnie," to get him a black coffee. She makes a face that suggests she'd love to tell him that she's his fucking waitress, but chooses not to alienate a potential client and goes to get the coffee. House steals her seat in the booth. He asks the Cottages which of them is sleeping with her; he really, really hopes it's Cameron. "You're not gay, you're...adventurous," he says. Awesome. Chase says that pharmaceutical reps don't prostitute themselves for sales. House says they like to sleep with the roadies to get to Mick, meaning that Sharon is just sleeping with one of them to get to House. Foreman bristles, and House realizes that Sharon is sleeping with him. House is all annoyed by that, I guess because the popular adage, "once you go black, you never go back" indicates that Sharon won't be moving up the client ladder after all. He starts picking at her food and informs the Cottages that Hank doesn't have Addison's. His problem is environmental; Lola isn't healthy after all. She has no sense of smell, and didn't think to tell anyone about this before. "Cadmium poisoning," says Chase. It explains everything, including how they had so much trouble getting pregnant during their one month of wedded bliss. But how could they get exposed to so much cadmium? Chase thinks he knows.
“ If she's this mad about a little midnight toking, can you imagine her wrath if she had gotten that abortion and donated her kidney for no reason? ”
Chase asks Hank for another urine sample. Hank says yes without hesitation, and Chase asks why Hank didn't want to give them a sample before but is fine with it now. Hank says he's going to die now, so he couldn't care less. Plus, he knows that they'll just steal his urine and test it anyway if he says no, so what's the point? Chase thinks Hank was afraid they would find out that about his huge weed habit. Lola says that she and Hank quit. Hank says that Lola quit; he didn't, so much. And he's really sorry about that. He'll be even sorrier when he finds out that that was the indirect cause of his wee testicles. Chase says the weed must have been grown in some cadmium-soaked soil. They'll start treatment, and Hank will be fine in time for opening day. Hank apologizes profusely to Lola, saying he'll go to meetings every day now. "Twice a day," Lola says. If she's this mad about a little midnight toking, can you imagine her wrath if she had gotten that abortion and donated her kidney for no reason?
Cuddy and House discuss Hank's case. House says that Hank will recover just fine. Cuddy says that his health might, but that his career won't, since they are required to give all medical records to the MLB Association, and they won't look kindly on the marijuana-induced cadmium poisoning. House says he doesn't think anyone will have a problem with Hank's having Addison's disease, since that's what House put in his report. Now, no one will ever know except for everyone who was standing in the hallway when Cuddy started shouting about how Hank smoked all that weed. The tabloids can put it in the little sidebar of their upcoming articles about Hank's tiny testicles. And then they can put a sidebar in the sidebar about how one should not go to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital if doctor-patient confidentiality is important to them. Cuddy's all for making House tell the truth in his reports until she realizes that the lie means that the Yankees will finally lose. Then she's cool with it.
Sharon and Foreman have their Friday night dinner. Sharon asks Foreman about House, and his ethical dilemma about using work-sponsored dinners for dates evaporates right quick. He doesn't want to talk about work anymore.
Chase does some physical therapy on Hank's arm. Hank and Lola smile.
House and Cameron emerge from behind the Gravedigger with cotton candy and smiles on their faces. Cameron had a great time that she'd love to go ahead and ruin by asking House if he was ever married. House says lived with someone for a while. That someone is either Wilson or the woman Wilson's having dinner with right now. Or both. House steals Cameron's cotton candy. She steals it right back, giggles, and challenges House to a race to the car. Love is in the air. Cadmium is in the ground. Watch your testicles, boys!