A woman who looks like she's had better days (although still looks better than the last time we saw her on 24) tries get into a hot party, but the bouncer, who looks a lot like Skeet Ulrich, who definitely has seen better days, doesn't think she has an invite or the mandatory twenty-dollar entrance fee. She claims she has the money, but a look through her large handbag reveals nothing, and she says she must have forgotten to go to the "machine." Apparently, there is a machine that spits out free money in the Princeton area, since you know she doesn't have a bank account. The bouncer asks if she forgot to brush her teeth, as well. Ouch. The woman says she has a friend inside named James, who's blond and friendly and a "big talker" and can give her the money she needs. "I need to see him!" she sobs. The pushover lets her in.
I thought the rave scene was done, but it's still alive and kicking in New Jersey. The woman pushes her way through the young crowd and their spinning glow sticks and bad music and wonders how she got stuck in the opening of a Law & Order from the Chris Noth days. She gets to a door and asks James if he's behind it when a really friendly woman walks up and asks if she can help. Strobe lights start going off, causing all kinds of crazy electrical stuff to go wrong in the woman's brain. Oh, I know how that feels. During a particularly tragic summer of my life, I worked at a Rainforest Caf, where "thunderstorms" consisting of sound effects and strobe lights occurred every half-hour and threatened to make the entire staff go into seizures by the end of the shift if we hadn't already killed ourselves from having to hear "Hotstepper," like, every ten minutes. These strobe lights might all be in the woman's head, though, because she's seeing and hearing other things, too. What a bunch of suckers the rest of these rave people are, that they actually spent money on drugs that simulate what this woman is experiencing for free. The thing we know, the friendly woman is getting a little too friendly as she pops a few pills and starts kissing the woman Skeet told to brush her teeth, passing the pills over to her. The woman spits them out and tries to get out of the raver's clutches, but then the friendly raver's not-as-friendly girlfriend runs up and throws her against the wall, like, come on. It was so obvious that the raver wanted her, not the other way around. The woman's brain shorts out, and the thing she knows, the police have busted the party and are wrestling with her friend. She leaps to her defense, thereby being wrestled to the ground by the police as well. She gurgles and passes out. The police are seriously annoyed about this, because now they have more paperwork to do.
Wilson goes over the newest ER admittee's chart with Foreman. A homeless and nameless woman is delusional, but her tox screen was clear. Foreman points out that most homeless people are crazy, not to mention lacking the financial means to pay for a hospital visit. Wilson says that theirs is a teaching hospital, so they treat everyone regardless of their ability to pay, and Foreman really should know that by now, shouldn't he? The woman had some lesions on her arm, so Wilson was called in. Wow, they called the chief of oncology in for a homeless woman's lesions? That's like, above and beyond the call of charity hospital duty. I think most places would have put their one doctor's coat on an orderly and just sent him in to do it. The lesions were non-cancerous, but Wilson noticed that Jane Doe's wrist had a twitch, and he'd like Foreman to check it out.
“ How many times has this show told us that normal MRIs are hiding various serious diseases? Seems to me like MRIs aren't indicators of anything. ”
Foreman asks Jane if she can feel his pen on her finger. "Sure. I'm human," she answers. You could've fooled Foreman, as we'll soon see. He has her raise her arms above her head, and she immediately goes into a seizure because that's what people on this show do. Wilson springs into action, but Foreman tells him to hold up because Jane is probably faking to stay in the hospital and off the streets for as long as she can. A quick and rather cruel diagnostic test that involves having Jane slap herself in the face shows that the seizure is real, meaning that Foreman will actually have to work.
After stabilizing Jane, Wilson and Foreman talk again. Wilson asks if the woman was faking her low blood sugar as well as the seizure. Foreman says the woman is probably a diabetic and ODed on her own insulin. Yeah, I'm sure homeless people have the access to and mental wherewithal necessary to treat diabetes. If Stacy, who was responsible enough to pass the rigorous tests to get into the Baby Sitter's Club couldn't get that under control, I kinda doubt someone who doesn't even have a toothbrush can do it. Foreman asks for the woman's personal effects at the desk, and gets that bag. He bets Wilson that they'll find insulin in it. What he finds is a stench so foul that he closes the bag and has it put back. He tells Wilson that Jane is probably faking the twitch. His advice is to give her some food, watch her blood sugar, and kick her out.
Wilson goes tattling to House, who looks kind of cleaned up today, with his almost-groomed stubble and smart new turtleneck. I don't like it on him, but I don't like how turtlenecks look on anyone. House doesn't think an oncologist should doubt the advice of a neurologist when it comes to neurological disorders, but Wilson gets all whiny and says he really wants the woman to get medical attention. House suspects that there's something personal at stake here for Wilson, and takes the file.
The differential diagnosis is already in progress (Cameron: arm twitch = mini-seizure, Chase: arm twitch = brain tumor) when Foreman strolls in. House is still on his first-name kick from the last episode when he tells "Eric" that he is glad Foreman could find the time to do his job. Foreman's differential diagnosis: arm twitch = discharge. Wilson snaps that Jane Doe is HIS patient, and HE wants a second opinion. Foreman recommends doing an MRI and then kicking her out once it inevitably turns out normal results. And how many times has this show told us that normal MRIs are hiding various serious diseases? Seems to me like MRIs aren't indicators of anything. Foreman flips through a magazine and says he knows homeless people better than Wilson does, so he knows that all of them go to the ER for the free meals. They'd have more fun and get better food in jail, I'd say.
“ Foreman asks if the only reason why House is taking this case is because Wilson asked him to, and Chase and Cameron exchange 'oh, no he DI-IN'T!' glances, not able to believe that Foreman called out the relationship they've all been joking about behind closed lab doors. ”
House grabs Jane Doe's bag and throws it on the table. He thinks its contents will help them figure out who she is. Foreman asks if the only reason why House is taking this case is because Wilson asked him to, and Chase and Cameron exchange "oh, no he DI-IN'T!" glances, not able to believe that Foreman called out the relationship they've all been joking about behind closed lab doors. House and Wilson exchange a look, and then House dumps the lady's crap all over the table instead of answering. He thinks the bag will contain a clue as to what Jane Doe's real identity is, and therefore, her medical history. Everyone else wrinkles their noses at the incredible reek of Jane's bag. Whatever Jane has in that bag, it's got to be pretty bad to elicit such reactions from people who have taken gross anatomy and been exposed to god knows what other wonderful things the human body is capable of secreting. Foreman picks out a syringe and holds it up with his bare hands because apparently he wants hepatitis, and says it looks like an insulin syringe. Wilson owes Foreman twenty bucks. House finds a rag soaked with fresh vomit, which I guess explains the smell. He waves it in front of Chase's face. Chase is not pleased. "Trying to make me hurl?" he says. And I thought Wayne's World lingo went out even before raves did, but apparently that, too, is still alive and well in New Jersey. House then tastes a little of the vomit, at which point Cameron appears to throw up in her mouth a little, literally. "Salty!" House says. "Chemical imbalance." Whatever it is, House had better hope it's not contagious through saliva! House orders some IV electrolytes to replenish Jane's chemicals, and Wilson -- who didn't even blink when his friend ate vomit, so well does he know him -- is most appreciative. Foreman glares. Chase and Cameron leave to hurl.
House limps over to the coffee machine, because nothing goes with saliva-borne pathogens better than java. Foreman asks him what is so interesting about this case. House says that, right now, it's how much Foreman doesn't want to work on it. This, by the way, is the same logic Cuddy must be using when she forces House to do his clinic hours. Ah well, House never did strike me as someone who holds much stock in the Golden Rule.
The lesion-scarred hand of Jane Doe draws a cartoon of two people in front of a building. Chase says that is a nice drawing of Foreman, like just because Foreman and the cartoon are black doesn't mean they're the same person. The Foreman cartoon is enquiring as to James's whereabouts. Chase asks who James is, and Jane grabs her head and starts freaking out, tossing her food tray into the camera. Well, there goes Foreman's theory about homeless people faking sick to get food. Chase runs off to get some drugs, while Foreman tries to hold Jane down. She bites his wrist, which is just silly because now she's going to have to go back and change her drawing of him to show bite marks. Why make more work for yourself? Chase says Jane is negative for HIV and hepatitis C, so there's some good news. That also explains why House didn't hesitate to eat her puke. Pisssed-off Foreman says he's getting a tetanus shot and Jane is getting her MRI so that they can kick her ass out of the hospital.
“ 'Go check out the 'hood, dawg,' House says, sounding not unlike Sean Connery in Finding Forrester when he said 'you da man now, dawg!' and all Sean Connery fans sighed in sadness. It's a lot cooler when House does it. ”
A woman who looks like Susan Sarandon bitches that she's been waiting over an hour for her MRI. The desk lady apologizes, saying they're backed up right now. Foreman runs in, ascertains that Susan is on the MRI waiting list, grabs her paper, and pushes her and her wheelchair out past Chase and his wheelchair, which contains Jane Doe. Foreman passes the patient slip to Chase. Very slick, guys.
Or not, since Jane is just being rolled into the scary MRI tube when Cuddy walks in to bust them. What I want to know is what did Foreman do with poor Susan? Did he wheel her down the stairs and then throw her body in a dumpster because dead women tell no tales, or just lock her in a broom closet?
Foreman has been called into the principal's office. House is there too, but he's more interested in playing with the assorted items on Cuddy's desk than anything else. Foreman explains that Susan was getting a checkup on her chin implant plastic surgery, so it's totally cool that her MRI was given to someone else. Cuddy slaps House's hand away from her executive desk set and says she can't believe he authorized this. House says it sounds exactly like something he'd go for, and he's right. Cuddy says that guess what? Jane Doe has a surgical pin in her arm, so an MRI would have gone and ripped it right out of her body. Nice going, Foreman. He has the decency to look a little bit ashamed of what he almost did. House says they'll surgically remove the pin and then go ahead with the MRI. No harm, no foul. I hope Jane didn't need that pin, though. Cuddy says that all of this fuss is completely unnecessary for someone with an electrolyte imbalance. House protests that neurologist Foreman believes that Jane has a brain tumor, and that they shouldn't argue with Foreman's more expert opinion. Cuddy agrees to let them go ahead with the surgery and the MRI, but adds that they can't do anything else until they've got Jane's real name and medical history. Foreman starts to ask how the hell they can do that, but House interrupts to throw Foreman's prior words about knowing homeless people back in his face by saying that Foreman is just the man to go get some information out of them. Let the punishment fit the crime, I guess. "Go check out the 'hood, dawg," he says, sounding not unlike Sean Connery in Finding Forrester when he said "you da man now, dawg!" and all Sean Connery fans sighed in sadness. It's a lot cooler when House does it.
Foreman decides to start at Kaplow's Pawn Shop, Jane's sketch of which is their only clue besides the barf-soaked items in her bag. He shows a guy a Polaroid of Jane, and the guy says he doesn't recognize her. Then he sees Foreman's nice jacket and says he remembers a lot more.
“ The Cottages race down the hall to Victoria's room, where the patient is currently dying from the an anemia- treating drug that Victoria's freshly- faxed medical records say she's allergic to. When is someone NOT allergic to medicine on this show? ”
A jacketless Foreman prepares to check out Jane's little corner of the world, as shown to him by the newly-outfitted homeless man. Foreman lifts a tarp, and ten bats come flying out of it and into his face. Foreman freaks. "They're just bats," says the homeless guy. Easy for him to say when he's got a barrier of microsuede between him and those little bat teeth. It turns out that Foreman would touch a homeless woman's home with a ten-foot pole, as that's what he uses for his investigations into her bat cave. He finds a folder full of papers.
Back at the office, Cameron informs Foreman that the MRI showed no brain tumor, and Chase adds that that means they went and did surgery on Jane just to keep Foreman from getting in trouble with Cuddy. Yes, but can't they also use the pin to identify the patient? I know I saw them do that on C.S.I. or Dr. G, Medical Examiner once. Every surgical pin has an ID number on it that you can trace. Anyway, House and Wilson enter the office, and House immediately notices Foreman's lack of coat. Foreman shows them the pictures, saying that they might give them some clues as to Jane's identity. House grabs one and says it looks like Philly to him. We see that it's actually a desert scene right out of a paint-by-numbers book. House says the cacti look like a car accident and the water indicates that it happened in October of 2002. "My goodness! Was she okay?" Wilson asks, playing along. House says she broke her arm. It needed a pin. And House has that exact pin in his hand. Turns out that he watched the same episode of whatever forensic science show I did, because he used the pin to ID the patient. Foreman's all hurt because he thought House insisted on the MRI to Cuddy to protect Foreman. Jane Doe is actually Victoria Madsen, who I'm sure will be shocked when someone tells her about her sister's recent Oscar nomination. Foreman checks out an incoming fax and lets out an "oh, CRAP!"
The Cottages race down the hall to Victoria's room, where the patient is currently dying from the an anemia-treating drug that Victoria's freshly-faxed medical records say she's allergic to. When is someone NOT allergic to medicine on this show? The Cottages work to save her. Wilson anxiously watches from outside.
The patient is now stable, and they have some more of her medical records dating back the last two years. There's no home address, though, since Victoria was unconscious when she was brought into the ER so they couldn't get it. And yet, they got her name, so...I don't know how that works. Victoria was recently given Prozac for depression, and I'd think feeling sad would be more of an effect than a cause there, wouldn't you? Wilson agrees that anyone would be bummed out if they had to live in a box in subzero temperatures. House says that maybe if they put her back on the Prozac, her outlook on life will improve and she'll stop biting people. Chase notes that Victoria has had two ultrasounds ten months apart, which would rule out a pregnancy. Wilson says that Victoria's first ultrasounds revealed nothing, and that she ditched the second one. They were looking for ovarian cancer. Foreman says that cancer doesn't account for any of Victoria's "alleged" symptoms. House says it would, if Victoria had neoplastic syndrome. Neoplastic syndrome is the new vasculitis. House orders an ultrasound.
“ House interrupts Cuddy by beginning to fake sneeze, but is able to hold it in and tells Cuddy to continue. Of course, as soon as she does, he fake- sneezes in her face. Oh, those two! It's like Lucy whisking the football away before Charlie Brown can kick it. ”
On the way to the clinic, Cuddy asks whether Victoria had a brain tumor after all. House says that she didn't, and that he's really starting to wonder about that Foreman and his medical abilities. And then he's introduced to his latest patient, a mother of many disgusting children who apparently find great entertainment in licking each other, like, you might want to put a stop to that behavior before they enter the school system, Mom. House immediately fake-sneezes and says he doesn't want to give his cold to all his new patients. He hands the file off to Cuddy with a "buh-bye!" and takes off. Awesome. Watching those two try to outwit each other is probably my favorite part of this show.
Foreman enters the office to find his boss reading through Victoria's little comic book. House says that the storyline is very interesting, consisting of a bad guy named "Mr. Fury" who doesn't seem to have any special skills except being well-organized. He wonders if the comic gives them any insight into its author's personal history. Foreman asks House when he started to care about his patient's personal history. House asks when Foreman stopped. Is Foreman's dad, who may or may not be biologically related to him, homeless? Foreman says no. House asks what homeless person pissed Foreman off so much, then. I'm thinking it's the one who bit him so hard she broke the skin. That would piss me off. Foreman says the only home-related person pissing him off right now is House.
So House asks Wilson what his personal interest in Victoria is. Wilson jokes that she's his new girlfriend. Hey, if House can date old ladies, Wilson can date lesion-scarred homeless women. And also, he doesn't need a personal reason to give a crap about a patient. House points out that Wilson is actually giving two craps, and fortunately Cuddy runs up and interrupts before we can hear the math behind that. Cuddy's got two young women with her. "Time for Girl Scout cookies already?" House asks. Wilson requests Thin Mints, and leaves. Cuddy says that since House is too sick for clinic duty -- and House interrupts her by beginning to fake sneeze, but is able to hold it in and tells Cuddy to continue. Of course, as soon as she does, he fake-sneezes in her face. Oh, those two! It's like Lucy whisking the football away before Charlie Brown can kick it. Cuddy continues that House will be teaching these med students how to take patient histories. When you teach, you also learn, Cuddy says, feeling quite proud of herself. Those poor, poor medical students, though. They must have really pissed Cuddy off to get this. House orders the way-too-eager-to-please students (a.k.a. Cameron Juniors) to go talk to their assigned patient and leave him alone with his Vicodin.
“ Foreman/ Paul says he's come to forgive her. Victoria cries and says she's so sorry. Someone should have tried this before Victoria guilted herself onto the streets and started keeping bats. ”
House gets a swab of Victoria's saliva ready for testing and runs down her symptoms; ineffectiveness of sedatives, localized numbness, fear of water, and high fever. It all points to rabies. Chase finds this hard to believe, since rabies is pretty rare in the United States. House says that's because when non-homeless people get bitten, they usually get shots for it. Unless they're stupid. I don't understand why Victoria, who seems to visit hospitals quite regularly, didn't do the same. Foreman says that there were bats in Victoria's box. The test comes back positive. Victoria's got a day or two to live, and Foreman may want to get himself some rabies shots before House has to "make another Affirmative Action hire." I'm surprised he didn't reference some Zora Neale Hurston there, as long as he was going for the black joke. I'll tell you, if I was Foreman, there would be a Foreman-shaped hole in the wall, I would have been out of that lab and into the nearest rabies shots place so fast. But he just sits there and looks sad before slowly getting up.
Wilson gets to do the honors of giving Foreman the rabies shot. He asks if he should tell Victoria that she's a dead woman, or if Foreman wants to do it. Foreman says he's going off to find James, so that Victoria doesn't have to die alone. Wilson wants to go, too.
They go to the abandoned house from the rave, the rooms of which match the pages of Victoria's comic book. They break down a door and enter a room filled with cobwebs and a lockbox. Inside are photographs of a healthier-looking Victoria smiling and hugging some guy. Foreman says it must be James. Wilson says it's actually Paul, showing Foreman a marriage license. It seems our Victoria was married to Paul Furian, a.k.a. Mr. Fury. So who's James? They find pictures of a baby, and then Paul and Victoria with him in the house before it fell into abandoned disrepair. The baby has blond hair, looks friendly, and is a big talker. It's James. "They're dead," says Wilson. He hands Foreman a newspaper article. The car crash that broke Victoria's arm killed her husband and son. She was the driver. That...sucks.
Foreman holds Victoria's hand. She thinks he's James. Foreman says he's Paul. Victoria asks if he's come to take her. Foreman/Paul says he's come to forgive her. Victoria cries and says she's so sorry. Someone should have tried this before Victoria guilted herself onto the streets and started keeping bats. "It's okay, Victoria. It's okay," Foreman says. Fade to black on Foreman holding his patient's hand. I totally cried.
House finds Wilson sitting outside in the dark. He followed him to some random place on the streets, which Wilson says is the last place he saw his heretofore unknown second brother before he disappeared nine years ago. "I don't even know if he's alive," Wilson says. He and House will think about that, while I'll ponder why the episodes about Cameron's personal issues suck and the ones about everyone else's are really good.