Damned If You Do

Hello, everyone. Sara M is busy moving domiciles out in L.A., so to keep a steady stream of recaps coming until the new season starts, Wing Chun asked me to tag in for a couple of episodes. But Sara will be back soon to cut through the rest of the season like a scalpel through a screaming, horribly misdiagnosed patient. Or something.

We open on a shot of Wilson, which will make Sars happy. On a table to him stands a ceramic Santa clutching a reindeer, among other modest Christmas decorations. The camera angle pans around to frame the Santa to House, as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" plays. House complains about being "condemned to useless labor," and Wilson mentions the fourth circle of hell. Considering how much I hate Christmas music, I see his point. Turns out, though, House is complaining about having to chart all his cases, a labor in which he's apparently over two weeks behind. House flicks some paper toward the door, which almost hits the entering Cuddy. House snarks that he missed. Cuddy: "What are you, eight?" Wow, Cuddy, I'm impressed -- I do get that a lot, but we only just met. Oh, wait, she's talking to House, who asks if an eight-year-old could "do this," as he makes a grotesque, eye-rolling face. Well, I think an eight-year-old could do that, but it wouldn't be because of Vicodin withdrawal, so it does have a certain facet of originality. Cuddy cautions him that his face could stick that way. That eventuality has something to recommend it: House's patients would have proper forewarning of the bedside manner to come. Cuddy informs House that he has a patient waiting for him. House: "Yeah, but see, I'm off at 12, and it's already five of." Having spent a couple of years in England, I feel safe in concluding that Hugh Laurie derives a lot of his character's motivations from his own experiences with the NHS. Free health care does have its ugly side. Cuddy snaps that the patient has been waiting for House since 11, and walks off. House makes another comment about hell before walking off himself. I don't know -- sitting around on your ass making bitchy comments while high on Vicodin doesn't sound all that bad to me. In fact, maybe I'll try it myself -- just let me know sense recap if stops making the.

House limps into an examining room and discovers three nuns (or sisters; I don't really care about the difference) therein. He gives us an amusing wide-eyed look, as if he's afraid he's seeing triple or something. He introduces himself and asks what the problem is, and the eldest of the sisters instructs the one in the middle, Augustine, to show House her hands. House pops some Vicodin in preparation for his diagnosis. It's good to have little routines like that. You wouldn't want to mistakenly prescribe drugs under the banal influence of sobriety. Augustine is played by Elizabeth Mitchell, and I'll just get it out of the way and tell you that she's donned a horrible wig for the role, and it makes her look like Kes from Star Trek: Voyager's twin sister. Although if she were dating Neelix, it makes sense that she'd end up in a convent. Where was I? Oh, the hands -- they're flaky and red and gross, and when she turns them over to reveal her palms, there are dark marks in the middle of each one that look something like stigmata, or so says the third, rather young sister. The eldest one reproaches her, and House affably, for him, says that Elizabeth Mitchell must be the talk of the "holy water cooler." Heh. He asks if she washes a lot of dishes and, upon learning that she unpacked and washed a shipment of new pots and pans, tells her she has contact dermatitis, and that she must be allergic to the dish soap. The eldest sister -- whom we'll learn MUCH later is called Sister Eucharist -- says they've always used that soap. House: "I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people that I know what I'm doing?" I could give you a few reasons, if I wanted to spend the two hours hyperlinking to past recaps. He explains that allergies to substances can develop over long periods of time. He gives Augustine diphenhydramine, and encourages her to take it right away. Given what's to come, taking it before he leaves the room would be advisable. Good thing about the gimp leg. He asks if she'd like some water, but she says she has tea. And I'm not usually the best at calling these things in advance, but I knew on first viewing that that tea was going to be a major player in this episode. It should have been in the guest credits. House leaves the room...

...and outside, Wilson notes that House was still done by 12. House: "How do you solve a problem like dermatitis?" By almost killing the patient, just like with every other problem on this show. Oh, sorry -- was I supposed to sing that? Sister Eucharist emerges from the room and thanks House for his patience, which seems a lot like thanking Russell Crowe for his even temper or thanking Gilbert Gottfried for never giving anyone a headache. Wilson asks House if she's talking to him. House, with a shifty side-eye: "I don't know! She's certainly looking at me!" Hee. The sister clarifies that it's good to get a secular diagnosis, since many of the other sisters interpret their illnesses as divine intervention. House notes that if she doesn't, she's wearing a funny hat. She gives him a "you so bad" look, and Wilson excuses himself. Before they can banter much more, though, The Nun Who Cried Stigmata rushes out and tells House that something's wrong. I'm telling you, MedicAlert should set up a deal with House's patients. Everyone would be a winner.

Back in the examining room, Elizabeth Mitchell is wheezing like Keith Richards running an obstacle course. Which would be kind of awesome to see. House listens through his stethoscope and informs her that she's having an asthma attack; he tells her to calm down. Easier said than done when Dr. Painkiller is about to administer his second treatment of the teaser. House gives her an epinephrine injection, and we get a CGI look at the drug traveling through her bloodstream, as well as a couple of shots of different organs. Given the screechy accompanying sound effects, said shots were probably meant to make scare me, but all they're doing is making me hungry. What can I say? Computer-generated guts look delicious. House asks if Elizabeth Mitchell took the pill and, on hearing an affirmative, says she must be allergic to the medication. He says he'll give her steroids instead. Elizabeth Mitchell asks if her heart should be feeling so funny. House explains that epinephrine is adrenaline, so her heart should be going faster. When he takes her pulse, though, he says, "Not this fast." Thanks, House, but the heartbeat of the scared rabbit on the soundtrack kind of clued us in. House asks The Nun Who Cried Stigmata to get a nurse, and she exits and calls for help. House lies Elizabeth Mitchell down as a nurse enters. House tells her to charge up a defibrillator, since Elizabeth Mitchell has no pulse. And if we didn't already think House was an iconoclast, here he is touching a nun's boobs. CPR, shmee-PR.

Wow, cool credits. Seriously.

A shot of a Bible and a crucifix in the foreground dissolves into Elizabeth Mitchell's frightened face. Man, that is one bad wig. Her two sisters keep a vigil by her, one on each side.

Cuddy's office. She's ripping House a new one, since she thinks the only reason Elizabeth Mitchell could have had that cardiac event is if House gave her an overdose of epinephrine. Incidentally, I haven't seen Cuddy in a long time, but given that the last time I saw her she was breaking up Ben and Felicity, she might want to tone down the attitude here. House denies that he screwed up, but Cuddy gives him twenty-four hours to figure out what's wrong with Elizabeth Mitchell, or she's going to have to notify their attorneys. She might want to convert hours to Vicodins, just so there's no confusion. House glares at her, exaggeratedly looks at his watch, and leaves.

In the hallway, House and the Martins limpeconference. House latches on to a kind of vasculitis called Churg-Strauss disease as the culprit. They enter a room, and House stares incredulously at some candy canes and asks what the hell they are. Upon hearing that they're...well, candy canes, he asks, "Candy canes? Are you mocking me?" He lets Cameron sputter and babble about Christmas for a few seconds before admitting that he's kidding. Heh. Foreman jumps on the Cuddy bandwagon, pushing the idea that House screwed up with the epinephrine. House denies that again, and tells them to start the sister on prednisone. Given the look on Chase's face when he hears the word "sister," they missed a chance to play the scared rabbit's heartbeat again. Chase Aussies: "I hate nuns." House: "Who doesn't?" He leaves, and Foreman gives his best "I HATE HOUSE" look. If you missed it, don't worry -- just like the tea, it'll be back. Also, I'd point out that House prescribed prednisone for Miss Radfafa in the pilot, and that didn't work out all that hot, at least temporarily.

Cut to a music video featuring scantily-clad beachgoers. The Nun Who Cried Stigmata stares incredulously. The Martins enter, and TNWCS flips off the TV and says she thought the remote was the bed control. Hee. Cameron, guileless as ever, shows her where the bed control is and introduces the team. Elizabeth Mitchell says she hasn't seen television in over twenty years, which is a subtle indication of the revelation later about her not always being in the convent. ["Yes! 'Convent'! Even though through the whole episode, they kept saying 'monastery.'" -- Wing Chun] Chase: "Do you consider it the work of the devil, or do you just not get cable where you live?" Elizabeth Mitchell doesn't know what to say to that. Cameron just stares at Chase, perhaps wondering when House made him his Chief Lieutenant of Snark. Elizabeth Mitchell asks whether House knows what's wrong with her. Cameron tells her he doesn't yet, since it's only the first ten minutes and there's all sorts of agony in store for her still, but she'll have a Chest CT Scan that afternoon that will help with the diagnosis. TNWCS: "Dr. House is giving her medication and he doesn't know what she has yet?" TNWCS can be forgiven for never having seen the show, with the TV-less convent and all. Elizabeth Mitchell assures her that it's all happening for a reason. She might be less sanguine if she knew that reason was ratings.

Outside, Foreman grouses that House screwed up. Cameron defends him, and Chase takes the utilitarian position of hoping that House is right, because that will put him in a good mood, making their lives easier. Even Foreman sees the wisdom in that, and scene.

Elsewhere, House grouses to Wilson that if Cuddy thinks he made a mistake, the least she could do is suspend him from clinic duty. Heh, nice try, House. They enter the clinic, and House says that although he doesn't lack confidence, he does recognize that he's human and capable of error. Wilson asks if that means he might have screwed up with the epinephrine, and House says no. Wilson: "So it's merely a theoretical capacity for error." House: "Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error." Heh. House limps off to his victim -- er, "patient"...

...who's dressed in a Santa suit. House looks like he'd rather have the nuns back, and given that he's able to diagnose the guy with inflammatory bowel merely by sniffing the air, I certainly don't blame him. The guy nervously asks if it's that bad. House says yes, but that it's also written on the guy's chart. Bloody Bowels is played by Dakin Matthews, who's a total H!ITG! whom I saw most recently as the prissy dean on Jack and Bobby. (Or maybe not -- like anyone's going to be able to fact-check that.) ["He was also Headmaster Charleston on Gilmore Girls." -- Wing Chun] House reads off Bloody Bowels's symptoms and treatment history, letting us know that he's tried a lot of shit, so to speak, and nothing's worked. He also snarks that he's impressed by how well his last doctor charted. Heh. Bloody Bowels says it's bad enough to have to go to the bathroom every hour, "but when the kids sit on my lap..." Excuse me while I go call my mother and thank her for never taking me to a mall during Christmas season when I was a kid. Bloody Bowels says that the store is going to fire him if he doesn't, er, clean up his act, and House hands him a prescription. Bloody Bowels reads it as, "Cogariess?" House corrects him: "Cigarettes. One twice a day, no more, no less." He adds that studies have shown that cigarette smoking is one of the most effective ways to control inflammatory bowel, "plus it's been well-established that you look 30% cooler." Bloody Bowels incredulously asks if House is kidding. House: "About the looking cooler, yeah." That's too bad, because a guy who spends most of his time in a Santa suit probably could use all the social help he can get. Bloody Bowels asks if smoking isn't addictive and dangerous. House glibly says that's true of all the drugs he prescribes: "The difference with this one is it's completely legal." Incidentally, while it does seem that nicotine is an effective treatment for ulcerative colitis, I'm not clear that you have to actually smoke for the nicotine to be effective. So perhaps Cuddy having her lawyers on speed-dial isn't the worst move after all. House wishes Bloody Bowels a merry, smoky Christmas.

Chase is wheeling Elizabeth Mitchell down the hall as she tells him she's been getting to know the staff. She mentions some male nurse: "He can take pictures with his phone!" Well, so can I, but I guess that would seem like cutting-edge technology to someone whose hasn't seen an episode of television since before J.R. was shot. Chase gives her attitude about being a nun, and she asks him if he always wanted to be a doctor. He says yes, and asks if she always wanted to be a nun. Elizabeth Mitchell: "My parents died when I was six. I was raised in a foster home run by the church. When I was eighteen, I went to the monastery, where they let me take my vows. I've known no other life and I haven't wanted to." Chase is kicking himself for not asking for the short version. He can be forgiven, though, given that it's never necessary in conversations with House.

Elizabeth Mitchell is in the MRI chamber...OF DOOM! From the control room, Foreman instructs her to tell them if she gets scared. Elizabeth Mitchell: "As Jonah said from inside the whale, 'When I'd lost all hope, I turned my thoughts to the Lord.'" Foreman notes that she's got God on her side, but Cameron says she doesn't believe in God. Elizabeth Mitchell asks if it's supposed to smell funny, and a female staff member I haven't seen before tells the Martins that "someone ralphed in there this morning." Heh. Well, Elizabeth, you can take solace in the fact that the inside of the whale probably didn't smell too great either. Cameron and Foreman have a not-all-that-interesting theological debate, and Foreman asks Chase if he believes in God. Chase, looking at the monitor, dodges the question and says that Elizabeth Mitchell has no vascular irregularities, causing Foreman to lay into House again and Cameron in turn to defend House some more. Foreman: "I don't get you. You don't believe in God, but you're willing to put complete faith in one man?" Before Cameron has a chance to dissect that armchair psychology, Elizabeth Mitchell starts to freak out about the smell. Cameron pulls her out of the chamber, but she goes on about the smell, and then raises her arms up and says Jesus is coming for her. Chase rolls his eyes, and I'm not sure why: one more misdiagnosis and she's probably going to be right. Foreman calls for some Ativan, and says that her hallucinations are indicative of temporal lobe swelling. Elizabeth Mitchell starts having a seizure, and as they get her on her side and place something in her mouth to protect her tongue, Foreman lifts up her gown. Geez, first House, then you, Foreman? Of course, he could be looking for something, and given the massive rash on her upper thigh, I'd say he found it. Cameron struggles to restrain Elizabeth Mitchell as we go to commercial.

The Martins give the report that Elizabeth Mitchell tested positive for herpetic encephalitis. Yikes. I don't know if Elizabeth Mitchell ever had this bad a day on ER, but maybe she should give that hospital another try. House asks what that tells them, and the answer is that her immune system was severely compromised. Cuddy: "Oh, I know! Prednisone compromises the immune system. Isn't that the medicine that you gave her for that thing she doesn't have?" House: "Yeah, that...hey, I'm thinking that's a trick question." God, get a room, you two! Cameron, surprise surprise, sticks up for House, saying there's no way two doses of prednisone could compromise someone's immune system to that degree. House says he's going to admit he screwed up. He counts ten seconds, and then is all, "So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, I open the drawer, close my eyes, take the first syringe I can find!" Cameron and Chase are laughing, for some reason. Cuddy leaves the room in frustration, and Chase advances the idea that Elizabeth Mitchell has mixed connective-tissue disease. Well, it's nice of them to give someone from the Southern Hemisphere a chance to be wrong. ["His wrongness swirls in the opposite direction from ours, you know." -- Wing Chun] House thinks that that does cover her symptoms, but Foreman points out that the treatment for the disease is cortical steroids, which they can't use because of the encephalitis. House says they need a treatment that won't suppress her immune system -- a hyperbaric oxygen chamber. Foreman says there's no protocol for that treatment. House is all, you and your protocols, as if protocols are something that landed in a mall toilet on one of a certain Santa's very bad days. Chase and Cameron leave, and House, facing away from Foreman, bites out, "I am both amused and annoyed by the fact that you think I should be less stubborn that you are." Foreman, unbowed, brings up the Hippocratic Oath, and tells House that the hyperbaric treatment could cause oxygen toxicity, leading to lung and eye damage, and that they should only proceed if they're convinced the patient needs it. House says he's convinced, but obviously Foreman isn't. "The question is, what are you going to do about it?" I don't know, but I have a feeling it's going to be something that makes you a lot less amused that annoyed, House.

Cuddy's on the phone, making what sounds like a tennis date. When someone enters her office, she gets off the phone and asks what's up. It's Foreman, and although he doesn't speak, his "I HATE HOUSE" look makes his intentions pretty clear. I told you that look would be back.

Chase and Cameron load Elizabeth Mitchell into the oxygen chamber. She nervously asks how confident House is in this diagnosis. I don't remember that line being in Scriptures, but it's been a long time since I was in Sunday school. Cameron tells her that her violent reaction to the prednisone told them she had a serious problem with her immune system. Elizabeth Mitchell: "Then I guess it was a blessing...of sorts." Heh. Don't worry, Elizabeth, there's only...uh, more than half the episode left. Oh, dear. When you're hoping beyond hope that a guy in a Santa suit will come back and steal screentime from you, you are having one shitty episode. So to speak, again.

Cuddy tells the Martins that they're going to treat Elizabeth Mitchell's symptoms, and denies that there could be an underlying condition. Cameron starts to tell her something House was considering. Cuddy: "I don't need to hear what Dr. House was considering!" Even if he was considering you to be a fine piece of tail? Well, come on. He's on Vicodin, not blind. Anyway, Chase and Cameron look down like children of divorce when Mommy's had too much wine and starts in on Daddy. Cuddy, in a more conciliatory tone, says she just wants to get Elizabeth Mitchell better: "I want her going out the front door, and not the back." There are some pretty gross jokes possible there, especially considering a certain later revelation, but I'll spare you. Sara M would have no such mercy, I have no doubt.

Outside, Cameron and Chase walk on ahead of their traitorous LIAR of a colleague. Foreman tries to make nice, and Cameron is all, "You did what you thought you had to," with the usual subtext of "BENEDICT ARNOLD" seeping through.

House is checking through the drawer where he got the epinephrine injection. I guess the point is to let us know that he doesn't really think he's infallible, although I don't know what he expects to learn by haphazardly rummaging through a drawer that seems to have less rhyme or reason to it than my checkbook. Nosy Wilson comes in to bust his boyfriend, and I'm new to this show, so I haven't figured out exactly what it is Wilson does in this hospital. Maybe he's doing an undercover documentary on malpractice. If that's the case, he researched his locale well. Wilson calls House out for the cigarette prescription, and House says the reason people don't wear ribbons for lung cancer is because they think people who die of lung cancer deserve it. Not sure what that has to do with the price of tea in a convent, but it segues into Wilson saying that guilt does a lot of damage. Thanks, Sensei. They go into Cuddy's office as House says that if he's right, Cuddy will kill Elizabeth Mitchell, but if he's wrong, she'll save her. Wilsensei says that House has to go through a lot of patient records, and hope they can be trusted: "Which, by the way, yours can't." Oh, BURN! Not. Shut up, Wilsensei.

Fade up on Chase giving Elizabeth Mitchell some pills to help her kidneys -- with WATER, thank God. Chase takes her pulse, which is 104. Yikes. Elizabeth Mitchell asks if that's good, like, I know you don't watch TV, but surely you've had a physical at some point? Chase lies that it's fine, and she's not too out of it to pick up on his insincerity. Chase gets a page to call his mother, and he leaves...

Cuddy and the Martins pedeconference as Chase and his cute face and horrible hair (it's not usually this bad; maybe they're unsuccessfully trying to make Elizabeth Mitchell's wig better by comparison?) tell her that Elizabeth Mitchell is getting worse. Geez, how much worse can she get without dying? Even Star Trek doctors would have given up by now. Cameron takes the opportunity to be all rah-rah House again, saying maybe there is an underlying condition. Maybe House has trouble walking because it's hard to drag Cameron along by her lips with his ass. Cuddy doesn't get particularly defensive, but does suggest that Cameron not put in her two cents unless she's got something concrete to offer. This is the cue for a teabag to come flying out of nowhere and land on the table in front of Cuddy. She asks, "What's this, hemlock?" If that were the case, House would already have prescribed it to someone in the clinic. House parrots Cuddy's earlier line about the biggest favor one doctor can do for another, and explains that it's figwort tea, which is good for opening up the lungs and stimulating the heart. Unfortunately, when combined with epinephrine, it causes cardiac arrest. I'd be a lot more inclined to forgive House the smug moment of triumph here if Elizabeth Mitchell hadn't SPECIFICALLY SAID THAT SHE WAS TAKING THE PILL WITH TEA IN HER FIRST SCENE. I mean, God. But with the cardiac arrest being an exceptionally painful and breast-baring red herring, all the other symptoms can be explained by the original diagnosis of a long-term allergic reaction. Foreman points out that that's what Cameron said in the beginning. House agrees, and gives her props. Cameron gives one of those fake "Aw, it was nothin'" smiles, which House then wipes off by telling her that her lack of conviction in the diagnosis almost killed Elizabeth Mitchell. Who, I'm sure, is totally out of the woods now, considering they still have no idea what she's allergic to. House: "Take a lesson from Foreman. Stand up for what you believe in." I somehow doubt that if Cameron were ever to disagree with one of House's diagnoses, he'd give her plenty of respect and praise for having the courage of her convictions. Good thing that will never happen. Foreman, for his part, just looks uncomfortable, as one might after receiving heaping amounts of praise for doing nothing other than wrongly complaining that other doctors didn't know what they were doing. House leads them off to try to figure out what's wrong with Elizabeth Mitchell. Chase sort of non-sequiturs, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't," but nice to throw the episode title the Aussie's way. Cuddy just stares after House thinking that she probably shouldn't be finding him hot right about now.

Down the hall, House is explaining that what was probably a mild allergy to start has gone untreated for so long that it's a "whopping, kick-your-ass allergy." He speculates that the allergen has to be something to which Elizabeth Mitchell was exposed in both the monastery and the hospital. Foreman wonders if it could be the tea, which is reasonable, considering that Chase was pouring it down her throat at the slightest provocation. House isn't sure, and wants to run more tests, but Cameron pipes up that Elizabeth Mitchell's immune system has gone totally bazoo and needs a rest, so they decide to put her in a "clean room," and then gradually introduce allergens to see how she reacts. Replace "allergens" with "treatments," and this is the plot of every episode.

Clean room. The Martins, wearing fugly pale yellow gowns and blue caps, tell Elizabeth Mitchell that she should start feeling better, but that she can't have anything from outside, even her Bible. Foreman and Cameron leave, and Elizabeth Mitchell asks if her sisters can come in and pray with her. Chase hyper-Aussies that it would be better for her not to have visitors. Elizabeth Mitchell looks at her sisters pleadingly and then turns over and starts to cry. Man, she's as good an actress as her wig is bad. Chase offers to pray with her, but she sobbingly says she's going to die, and asks why God has left her. Damn you, affecting scene! Where's all the Vicodin-laced banter? Chase pulls up a stool and confesses that he went to seminary school. They asked the students once what their favorite Biblical passage was. He picked 1st Peter, Chapter 1, Verse 7: "These trials only test your faith, to see whether it is strong and pure. Your faith is being tested, as fire tests gold and purifies it." Elizabeth Mitchell takes the pass and runs with it: "And your faith is more precious to the Lord than pure gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tested, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day of His return." Elizabeth Mitchell cries some more as Chase tells her that she has a choice between faith and fear. She points out that having faith doesn't mean she won't die, but he counters that it will affect the way she experiences both death and life. Elizabeth Mitchell asks why Chase left seminary school. Chase: "That test. You passed. I didn't." I wouldn't have pointed a kid who was upset about failing a test in the direction of the MCATs, but I'm not Chase's dad. Great scene, though.

Outside the clean room, Foreman and Cameron, out of their fugly scrubs, tell the sisters they'll call them if Elizabeth Mitchell's condition changes. They ask if she'll be all right. Foreman: "As long as she's not exposed to anything that can aggravate her allergies." Just then, Chase knocks on the window and says he needs help. God, Chase, would you quit it with the damn tea already? Cameron and Foreman rush in and start putting surgical gloves on. Chase tells them Elizabeth Mitchell is in anaphylactic shock, and hyper-Aussies for them to get their slow asses over there. They manage to intubate her and get enough air into her lungs to stabilize her. Chase says dumbly: "It's a clean room." If I can figure out that the problem has to be inside Elizabeth Mitchell's shapely body, it's time for this crack team to lay down the crack pipe, you know?

House watches the unconscious Elizabeth Mitchell from outside the clean room. He asks Wilsensei how you get an allergic reaction in a clean room. He pops a Vicodin, and given that it's time for Wilsensei to start in on theological issues, I'd say the timing was fortuitous. Wilsensei says that House needs to accept that sometimes patients die against all reason. House says that's not true -- they just don't know the reasons. Wilsensei: "I'm not sure the nuns would agree with you on that." I hope these two have some mind-blowing sex, because their conversations are pretty fucking dull.

House is off by himself thinking when Cameron finds him and tells him she knows he did everything he could. House: "I don't need verification from you to know that I'm doing my job well. That's your problem, not mine." Cameron gives him a Christmas present in response to that tirade. I expect I'll be getting one from her too once this recap goes live. Chase enters and tells them that Elizabeth Mitchell has been extubated, and that she's requesting to check out and go back to the monastery, presumably to die. House tells Chase to talk her out of it. Chase: "I think I may have talked her into it." I'd congratulate Chase on a job well done, but considering that Miss Radfafa wanted to do exactly the same thing four episodes ago, Chase probably had less to do with it than the naggingly persistent incompetence around here.

House, actually wearing a doctor's coat, enters the clean room: "Room's paid up for the rest of the week." Elizabeth Mitchell looks at him with the beatific smile of those who have accepted their own mortality, or as they call it around here, "The Minute 35 Glow." She tells House that she's down with God's will, no matter what it may be. House thinks to himself, "Nice work, Doctor Chase," and then accuses Elizabeth Mitchell of being a filthy sinning LIAR; he thinks she's not accepting, just running away. I don't want to speak for Elizabeth Mitchell, but I don't think she needs to hide behind any duplicity to have a good reason for running away. She and House argue about faith, and I don't think I need to insult your intelligence by telling you who's pro and who's con. House tells her that she's got a better shot betting on House than on God. This is why gambling is illegal in most states: people really don't know how to lay odds. Elizabeth Mitchell says that when she was fifteen, she was on every kind of birth control known to man, and she still got pregnant, and she blamed God. I'd blame God too, if I went to the trouble of inserting an IUD and still got pregnant. Of course, I'm male, so I'd have a little more cause for complaint. Then she realized, however, that she couldn't be angry with God and not believe in Him: "No one can. Not even you, Dr. House." House looks like he wasn't expecting his own One To Grow On to get thrown back in his face, particularly not from the patient he STILL HASN'T CURED WITH FIVE MINUTES LEFT.

In a hallway, House limps into Wilsensei. Wilsensei speculates that Elizabeth Mitchell is allergic to God. Several cancer patients check out of the hospital for unrelated reasons.

House and the Martins limpeconference as House tells them they forgot to check inside Elizabeth Mitchell for an allergen, so he orders a full-body scan, like, I'm sure that couldn't have been taken care of at some point before Elizabeth Mitchell decided that death was better than this hospital.

Later, the Martins discover something on the scan. I'm no expert at deciphering religious imagery, but it seems like something divine may have been spotted in Elizabeth Mitchell's feminine parts. I doubt House will need any further convincing.

But actually, House informs us that it's a "copper cross," which is a form of birth control pulled from the market in the '80s. Apparently, when Elizabeth Mitchell had her abortion, the IUD got stuck somewhere and has remained undetected until now, and the copper is the allergen. One might wonder how Elizabeth Mitchell just plumb forgot about the piece of copper stuck up into her nether regions. Perhaps she took that whole "our lives begin when we take out vows" crap a little too seriously. Chase says that all they have to do is remove the IUD and the symptoms should disappear...

...and in the clean room, he's telling Elizabeth Mitchell just that. If Elizabeth Mitchell is uncomfortable discussing the foreign object that's been festering in her reproductive organs for over twenty years with the former seminary school student, she does a good job of hiding it. Chase adds that you can be exposed to an allergen for years and only have minimal symptoms, but one last exposure -- in this case washing the new copper cookware and subsequently eating food prepared in it -- can be enough to set off a full-blown reaction. Elizabeth Mitchell asks Chase if he'd like to hear her favorite Biblical passage. Chase nods his assent, and Elizabeth Mitchell recites, "Celebrate and be glad, because your brother was dead and is alive again," which Chase recognized as the parable of The Prodigal Son. That's pretty saccharine for a favorite passage, if you ask me, but it is a Christmas episode, so I shouldn't be surprised to be getting an anvil in my stocking. Elizabeth Mitchell tells Chase that God will be waiting for him when he's ready. He replies that they're scheduling her surgery for the day. Sure, no rush.

At the clinic front desk, Wilsensei finds House, who starts grousing about circles of hell again. Wilsensei says that House must be fun at parties. House: "I think we both know the flaw in that theory." Do I get a bonus for multiple correct answers? House lets up know that the surgery was a success and that Elizabeth Mitchell's kidneys are recovering. He and Wilsensei argue about whether he screwed up, and I'm so glad that Wilsensei has all this time to recap House's episode for us. I mean, I know I'm doing it, but I'll tell you right now it doesn't leave me much time to cure cancer. Wilsensei invites House over for a holiday dinner and, when House predictably declines, says he'll come to House's. House looks perplexed, possibly because he knows his typical rude retort will be ineffective against someone who lacks manners to such a degree that he'll just invite himself over on a holiday. Unless these two are going out, which, as I indicated before, wouldn't surprise me. House asks if Wilsensei's wife won't mind being alone on Christmas. Wilsensei: "I'm a doctor. She's used to being alone." If that's your attitude, Wilsensei, you might want to get some practice in that department yourself. At House's stare, Wilsensei says he doesn't want to talk about it ["and not that she might not care since at least one and possibly both members of the couple are Jewish" -- Wing Chun], and House agrees that would be best. Cuddy enters and smilingly congratulates House on his work with Elizabeth Mitchell. She wishes the doctors a merry Christmas, and walks off. Aw. It's nice that the malpractice attorneys let her say that.

Over a tinkly-piano rendition of "Silent Night," we get a montage. Wilsensei and House eat Chinese food. We don't hear what they say, but given the looks and laughs they're exchanging, it's not even going to take an hour for them to get hungry. In the hospital, a Santa gives presents out to sick kids. House plays "Silent Night" on his piano. Cameron finds a present and a card, presumably from House, and beams. Cuddy attends to a patient. A priest gives a sermon in what looks like the hospital chapel, and the nuns are in attendance. Chase stands in the back, and then walks out. Lo, the prodigal son...oh, whoops. House wraps the song, and we fade to the closing credits.

Wow, this show is pretty good! I wonder why I didn't watch it last year?