Maternity

We begin with a close-up of a baby's face. When a show that has a pattern of introducing the disease of the week in the pre-credits sequences opens with a baby, you know things are going to get sad. The baby seems well aware of this, its tiny brow knotting in worry. The new parents coo and fuss over their child and argue good-naturedly about what her name will be. Dad likes "Amber," but Mom disapproves of giving her daughter a "stripper name." Only good Christian parents with family values who let their brothers deliver their children give their kids stripper names. Dad rattles off a few more name choices, each more strippery than the last, until Mom tells us her choice of an appropriate name for their daughter: Max. She didn't carry all that weight around for nine months to have a baby that wasn't a tough biker, now, did she? Mom and Dad move on from the name discussion and onto how perfect and wonderful their child is and how lucky they are to have her, which means poor Maxine is that much closer to a mysterious life-endangering illness. "Say 'hi' to Bear!" Dad says, waving what will soon be known as the TEDDY BEAR OF DEATH DEATH DEATTTHHHH in Max's face. Max barfs. Mom is concerned; Max shouldn't be spitting up, she hasn't eaten recently. Dad fetches the delivery doctor as Max's eyes go all half-closed. Doc enters the room with an announcement that after the babies are born, they are no longer his job. Doc is the ob/gyn version of House, except that he's not likable at all. He takes Max and notes that she is baby is lethargic and hot. And having a seizure. And spitting up nasty green stuff. And credits!

House watches some General Hospital on a huge flat-screen television while eating Jell-O and sitting in a very comfortable-looking chair. He isn't in his living room, though: this is the ob/gyn doctor's lounge, and they don't take kindly to non-ob/gyns sneaking in to their ridiculously opulent palace and partaking of their luxuries. House could give a shit about what people think of him, though, so when Doc and a friend enter and ask what he thinks he's doing in their lounge watching their TV, House just says he stopped by the maternity ward to get some milk for his coffee. Yummy Mummy! The ob/gyn ignore the intruder and decide whether they want flat or sparkling water that was surely made from the tears of the Virgin Mary herself, so well-outfitted is this lounge. The conversation turns to the latest work news, and Doc mentions his encounter with new parents who dared to get upset when their baby almost died. Doc says that the baby will be fine; it's just a bowel obstruction. Dude, that doesn't sound fine at all! Cut over to House's easy chair, from which House is suddenly absent. I wish they had his Jell-O container still hovering in mid-air to illustrate how quickly he left the room, like they do in cartoons.

Now House is showing baby Max to Wilson, who is more amazed by the fact that House is in the same room as a patient than he is by House's assertion that both Max and another baby, whom House refers to "Exhibit B," are both suffering from the same illness. House simply replies that he only hates his patients once they get teeth, probably because his sarcastic implications that they're all morons have gotten him bitten on the hand more than once. Wilson says that the babies don't have the same illness at all: Max has a bowel obstruction (ouch, again), and Exhibit B does not. House says that bowel obstructions are just symptoms of a doctor of "indeterminate skill" in reading an x-ray wrong. Wilson tells House that he's willing to give him the key to the Oncology lounge to prevent this from happening again. They've got TiVo over there. No wonder we see that "Benefactors" plaque so often; this place has so many of them that every wall of the hospital must be lined with them. When I used to work at a hospital, I hung out in our department's doctor's lounge and it wasn't nearly this well-appointed. Granted, it was the Pathology lounge, meaning there were books filled with pictures of chromosomally abnormal babies where the plasma screen TV should be and jars filled with souvenirs from tumor removals instead of a TiVo. I ate my lunch there on my first day of work and never, ever went back.

Despite his friend's doubts, House goes to Cuddy with his baby epidemic theory. He must be concerned if he's in her office voluntarily. He demands that the sick babies be isolated and the entire maternity ward shut down. Cuddy isn't buying it; she thinks House is just creating a problem because he likes to create problems. House says that Cuddy's brilliant insight into his mind saves him money he would otherwise spend on a shrink, and Cuddy laughs. "If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself," she says. "The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake." It would be an easy enough thing to implement; surely that ob/gyn lounge has an automatic fresh-baked cookie dispenser. Just cover a few of those in Saran Wrap and watch the profits roll in! "Two sick babies is very sad, but it does not prove an epidemic," Cuddy finishes, and walks out. "How many do?" House asks himself, looking just a little bit too curious and eager to find the answer to this.

Poor Chase is rudely awoken from a nap when House tosses a book on his crotch. The Cottages assemble, and House tells them they're going hunting. "For what?" asks Foreman in his trademark "what now?" tone.

A couple relax in a bed, Mom presumably tired out from all the baby-delivering and Dad from whatever it is dads do while the womenfolk scream and cry. House and Foreman enter the room, and House walks right on up to the new baby and lifts it up out of its bed-thing. It immediately begins to cry, because House makes babies cry. The parents sit up, alarmed. "Hi. Bye," says House, and he hands the baby off to Foreman and leaves the room. He's got small talk down to a science, I'll say that for him. Foreman returns the baby to the bed and tells the parents they have a "good-lookin' baby." And in New Jersey, you only have to wait about fifteen years and three hundred and sixty-four days!

Chase and Cameron walk into a hospital room where a woman is in the middle of giving birth. "We'll see you again later!" Chase says, his weird inability to handle anything female and sex-related from the last episode apparently fixed. The group checks in with House and say they've checked the entire floor, and all babies are healthy. House remembers that there are overflow rooms on the floor, and away he goes! Sure enough, he's just in time to catch a baby as its fever spikes.

Cuddy sadly watches a sick baby being wheeled into the sick-baby nursery. A woman in labor is wheeled onto the floor, and Cuddy turns the wheelchair around and says she's really sorry, but the maternity ward has been shut down and she'll have to go to another hospital. House always gets his way.

Differential diagnosis time! Now with special guest Dr. Cuddy! We've got three, possibly four, sick babies. Foreman says that the babies will be dead in a day at the rate their BPs are dropping. Cameron reports that the three sick babies don't have any delivery rooms or doctors in common. Cuddy says she'll put a team together to swab the floor, and leaves. How cool would it be if Cuddy's team looked exactly like House's team? And then they could do battle at the end in a disease diagnosis final showdown: winner takes all. I bet MirrorCameron would be a lot cooler than OriginalCameron, too. The MirrorChase, however, would not be hotter than the OriginalChase. Back in the show, the Cottages compare Cuddy's attempt to find the epidemic culprit through swabbing to looking for a needle in a haystack. House says that's true, but that the hospital is Cuddy's baby, and that if she isn't doing something to help it get better, her head will explode. And House doesn't want to get any Cuddy scalp on his nice new jacket. Cameron laughs at this. MirrorCameron would have made a snarky remark about how scalp matter could only make that mustard yellow color look better.

House and the Cottages narrow the baby mystery ailment down to a bacterial infection that is resistant to the broad-spectrum antibiotics they've been administering thus far. Today's disease specials are MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus), pseudomonas, VRE (Vancomycin Resistant Enterococcus), and H. (Haemophilus) flu. Cultures will give them a definitive answer, but they take forty-eight hours to run, and the babies don't have that long. So House prescribes two powerful antibiotics that cover all four. Well, if those kids don't have one of those antibiotic-resistant infections, they will soon.

Max's parents watch as their baby is wheeled away from them and down a long hall. The director does some Alfred Hitchcock-style zoom-in-while-tracking-back (or is it the other way around? I hope my film professors aren't reading this) separate shots of the baby leaving and the parents watching.

Back in the conference room, the news is grim: one of the antibiotics is causing the babies' kidneys to shut down, and there's no way to tell which one it is. Taking them off the antibiotics or keeping them on them will produce the same result: death. The only option seems to be to make a choice of the most likely bacterial infection suspect, treat the babies for that alone, and hope they're right. Foreman thinks they should go with MRSA. Cameron still thinks it's pseudomonas. House doesn't see the point in guessing when there's a way to find out for sure: they've got two babies on two antibiotics. Put one baby on one medicine and the second on the other. They'll know what they're dealing with based on which baby improves. "That's wrong," Foreman says, once he's able to regain the power of speech. House Machiavellis that they're killing one baby to save a lot more. Foreman continues to protest while Chase and Cameron just stare slack-jawed.

After the commercial, House goes over his brilliant parasite-killing plan with Cuddy and the hospital's lawyer. Needless to say, Cuddy and the lawyer aren't too thrilled with it. "You can't experiment on babies," Cuddy says, sounding more tired and sad than angry. House says he'll get the parents' consent, although he will not be telling them that they're giving another baby a different treatment to see which baby dies, since that would be violating confidentiality and, more importantly, would make the parents say no. Basically, it comes down to this: there are now six sick babies. What will get the hospital in more legal trouble: one dead baby or six? "You can't do it," the lawyer says. House looks at Cuddy. She shakes her head and tells House to do what he thinks is best. Uh oh.

In the privacy of his office, House flips a coin. I'm sure the dead baby's parents will be comforted to know that the decision was not made with some cheap-ass penny.

In separate scenes, Foreman and Cameron tell Max's parents and the lesbians that they're taking their babies off one of the antibiotics. Max's parents ask Foreman if their baby will live. Never one to mince words, Foreman says it's a "Hail Mary pass." Where's Franco Harris when you need him? The lesbians also want to know if their baby will live, but Cameron chooses not to use sports analogies in favor of skirting around the truth: "We'll know in twenty-four hours if it's working," she says, neglecting to mention that the way they'll know it isn't working is that their son will be dead.

Cameron leaves the lesbians smiling and hugging because they think their baby will be cured by tomorrow. Wilson, of course, is right there to notice, and he asks Cameron what she told the parents to make them seem so relieved and happy. They should not be relieved and happy. They should be crying and doing research on football slang. Cameron says she told them the truth (sort of), and that if their son does end up dying, it won't really matter if a doctor gave them hope or not the day before. Saint Cameron says she just wanted to give the parents a few hours of hope, like she's so generous and unselfish because her inability to deal with her Issues means her patients' families get a free ride on the Emotional Roller Coaster.

House's escape from his office is thwarted when the pregnant lady from the clinic runs up, her husband in tow. House is extremely annoyed to see her, and demands to know who told her where his office was. It was probably one of those volunteers they have at the front desk. Volunteers cause all sorts of problems (spoiler!). The pregnant mom won't be put off by House's obvious total revulsion, however, because she thought of a great plan to get that paternity test without her husband knowing and she is going to see it through, dammit! "This is about the mono that you said I had," she says. The mono that they need to test her husband for to see if he has it, too. And while they're doing that test, if the blood sample happens to fall into a thermal cycler, undergo capillary electrophoresis, and be compared to the DNA profile of the unborn baby, well, that'd be a happy little accident for Mom, wouldn't it? "Shouldn't Charlie be tested?" Mom asks. "You know, the test? The blood test?" The "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" is implied. Good thing Husband is as stupid as his wife and doesn't pick up on the fact that something is afoot. Their baby is going to be really stupid. House finally gets the hint and apologizes for the confusion; he got her mixed up with one of his other patients, "an idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control." Oh, come now, House. I mean, yes, she's an idiot, but she did use birth control. It was just inserted by a doctor of indeterminate skill. House enters the elevator (drink!) and tells the couple to call his office tomorrow morning to schedule the "blood tests." When people call House's office, whom do they talk to? Surely not House himself, but I've never seen a hint of a secretary. That just leaves Cameron. Good thing telling patients half-truths is right up her alley!

Cuddy swabs a machine. Wilson walks up to ask if she's made any progress; she hasn't. Wilson, don't you have something to do? Aren't you some kind of doctor? He tells Cuddy to "calm down." I'd like to see him try that with one of those bereaved parents. "Calm down, Mom. Things always work themselves out eventually. Hey, if your baby dies, do you still celebrate Mother's Day? I always thought it was one of those greeting-card industry holidays, myself, but --" and then he is slapped. Cuddy answers that she is calm, and then storms up to that tie-clip-rebel med student and cuts his free-as-the-wind-blows tie off just below the knot. "I warned you," she says. True that.

Max's Mom stands outside the NICU. Chase comes out and tells her that Max's temperature has been stable for the last hour. "We're not gonna make it, are we?" Mom says. You see, her door neighbors divorced four months after their son died. When Max dies, her marriage will, too. Chase hates these awkward emotional doctor-patient conversations, so he's almost relieved when alarms start going off in the NICU and he has to run back inside. Almost.

Chase and a team of nameless, faceless medical people tend to the dying baby. Mom runs in and asks if her baby is dying. As she's escorted out, Chase tells her it isn't her baby that's dying...

...which means our lesbian couple is the Deadly Antibiotic Lottery's unlucky winners! The entire Cottage team works on the baby. House and Wilson enter the room and watch. The lesbians watch, too, until the baby goes into v-fib and the blinds are shut in their face while the defibrillator gets ready to go to work. A CGI baby heart lights up with electricity as Chase zaps it over and over until House declares the time of death, thereby giving us a start time for dead baby jokes, which I will not be making here because this was really sad and also because I have a fear of dead babies. It only takes accidentally coming across one to be scarred for life.

House orders all the sick babies to be put on vancomycin, that being the antibiotic the recently deceased baby was not on. He tells Cameron to tell the parents that their child probably saved five lives. Yes, I'm sure that will dry their tears away right quick. Cameron protests that Chase or House or the random lady down the hall or anyone but her should deliver the bad news. "Make sure she does her job," House whispers to Wilson. Yeah, Wilson is definitely the right guy to consult when it comes to making sure people do their jobs.

Wilson and Cameron enter a waiting room. The lesbians grasp the TEDDY BEAR OF DEATH DEATH DEATTTHHHH in their hands. Wilson and Cameron enter in slow motion and without sound. Not like we need to hear anything, since Cameron once again chokes and isn't able to tell the parents the bad news. As slow, sad music plays, Wilson mouths an "I'm sorry." The Moms lose it. This scene is so heart-wrenching... must... resist... making... Law and Order... "is this because I'm a lesbian?" quote... joke. Well, I tried.

House is angry at Wilson for bailing Cameron out. Wilson says that Cameron has a "problem," and may want to consider a different specialty -- one that doesn't involve having to tell people bad news. She can be a Clown Doctor! Chase runs up and, sounding like he's on the verge of tears, informs House that Max is getting sicker now, too. The vancomycin isn't working. We're back to square one, i.e. approaching the forty-minute mark.

The entire opening-credits cast meets to figure out what to do . "What the hell is this?" House asks. Foreman thinks it's a Superbug. Cuddy's doubtful; there have only been two known cases of it in America. House makes a little speech about how the Superbug is all the doctors' faults for prescribing antibiotics for cases of the sniffles and putting antibacterial soaps all over the place, like he doesn't go around loading people up with unnecessary hardcore antibiotics in every single episode. He tells everyone to go home; there's nothing more they can do tonight.

House, on the other hand, has a date with a dead baby. He takes a minute to reflect and possibly go on a short guilt trip before starting the autopsy.

The day, House has slides of the dead baby's heart tissue to show to the group. The slides indicate that the babies have a virus that affects their hearts. Foreman says that there are about a thousand different viruses that could be responsible, and that the babies only have enough blood for five or six lab tests. Virus suspects will be narrowed down using the sophisticated scientific process of writing a "yes" and a "no" column on the whiteboard. The doctors make their suggestions in the sophisticated dramatic process of a montage. When it's done, we've got eight possible viruses to test for. House asks if there are any healthy babies left in the hospital. Cuddy says that there is one whose discharge was delayed because it was jaundiced. I have it on very good authority that only the best babies are born with jaundice. That authority being, of course, pictures of newborn me hanging out in an incubator, mellow and yellow. Cuddy walks off to have the well baby's blood tested to use as a control, but she's not happy about it.

The doctors take blood samples. Chase appears to be taking care of the well baby, and it cries when he jabs it with the needle. "All done! All done," Chase says, a gentle baby-talking tone in his voice. Hot! Foreman gives House the results: the babies tested positive for not one, but three fabulous viruses: Echo (Enteric cytopathic human orphan) virus 11, CMV (Cytomegalovirus), and Parvovirus B19. I'm rooting for Echo, because it sounds cool. The healthy kid, on the other hand, tested positive for both Echo and CMV antibodies. House thinks for a second, and then says he has figured it out: the healthy kid survived because it has its mother's antibodies, making it immune to the virus. All they have to do is test the sick babies' mothers for antibodies. Whatever they don't have out of the three is what is killing their kids.

Blood is drawn. Tests are run. Echo is circled on the whiteboard. All right, Echo! I knew you could do it!

Foreman and Cameron tell Max's parents that their baby has Echo virus 11. Unfortunately, they won't be informing the other sick babies' parents about anything, because then they'd have to pay for some more actors. Foreman says that viruses are harder to treat than bacteria, but that there is an experimental new drug they can try. Cameron contributes by making sympathetic faces. Shut up, Cameron.

Cameron and Chase administer the drug to Max. Max's parents wait outside, helpless and sad. Cameron sees them, and is -- you guessed it! -- sympathetic. This time, though, it actually comes in handy. She walks into the hall and asks the parents if they can help her out: someone has to hold Max while the nurse changes her sheets. We then see Mom and Dad picking up their fussing baby. No wonder this hospital has a problem with deadly virus epidemics: just look how inefficient it is! No way do you need two people to hold one baby! Even the record holder for the heaviest baby ever born was only twenty-two pounds. Not to mention certified hospital personnel should really be taking care of this and -- oh, I see. Letting the parents hold their baby together was a gesture of kindness rather than practicality. Cameron basks in the glow of her good works. Max stops crying and screaming as soon as her parents put her down. She probably would have preferred being held by Chase. Smart baby. Mom and Dad hold hands over their baby, and we can all assume that they won't be getting divorced.

House enters the elevator. He spots Foreman nearby and asks Foreman to take a ride with him. As the elevator makes its descent, House asks how Cameron is doing. "Doctor Cameron?" Foreman asks. No, House wants to know what Camryn Manheim has been doing since her run on The Practice came to an end. House's response is similarly sarcastic. Foreman says that, in his defense, he wasn't expecting House to show concern for another human being. House acknowledges the truth in that, and they bicker back and forth about why House wants to know about Cameron and why Foreman wants to know why House wants to know about Cameron and since when was House curious about trivialities and who said Cameron was a triviality? After all that, Foreman says Cameron is "just fine." "Great. Glad we talked," says House, and enters the clinic. Foreman stands there, all "why do I get stuck with the weirdo boss?" and "great, now I have to take the stairs back up to the fourth floor."

Pregnant Clinic Lady is back for the results of her "mono" test, and she's relieved to hear that her husband is the father of her baby. Wow, they sure did get that test scheduled and done in a hurry! Less than a day, I believe. No wonder people keep coming to that clinic, even with the chance of getting that cranky mean doctor. Now that Mom's got the good news, the fact that she's pregnant starts to sink in. She'll need an obstetrician...hey, does House do deliveries? No, no, and no, he says. And then a thought occurs to him.

Max's parents wait. In the NICU, Foreman calls Chase over to the computer monitor.

Chase and Foreman meet Max's parents. Chase removes his germ face mask to reveal a big ol' smile. He's got great news. The baby's dead, but he just saved a whole bunch of money by switching to GEICO! Okay, actually, the baby is doing really well, and the status of Chase's car insurance remains unknown. Chase looks over at Cameron, who's probably all put out that she didn't get to make the people smile.