By Sara M
Okay, so, there's this Renaissance Fair that people apparently live in, like, all the time. And one of them, Sir William, comes to PPTH when his eyes turn red and he collapses after winning a swordfight against another knight. It turns out that Sir William is in love with the queen-to-be, Shannon, but he refuses to let it go any further because knights don't steal their friend's (as well as the king's) girl. Apparently, he's never heard of Lancelot, but whatever. As Sir William gets worse, House and Hadley pay a visit to the Ren Fair (in costume!) and find that the apothecary's apprentice doesn't know poisonous hemlock from harmless wild carrots. King Miles gave some of what he thought was wild carrot to his knights for their pre-fight gross-food-eating challenge (because apparently "wild carrot" is right up there with cow eyes as a gross food), and while the small amount of hemlock wasn't enough to make any of the other knights who ate it sick, Sir William was secretly taking steroids, which made the hemlock more effective. Also, he had poison ivy. And was secretly into witchcraft.
Speaking of witches, House meets Wilson's ex-wife and current girlfriend Sam and plots to break her and Wilson up before she can break his heart again. And also because you know House gets jealous of anyone who gets Wilson's attention. His transvestite prostitute double date (named Sara! Awesome!) doesn't have its intended effect, so he waits until he and Sam are alone to tell her what he thinks of her, then hires stupid Lucas to dig up some dirt on her. He comes up with confidential files from Sam's therapist, but House elects not to read them after Sam asks him to give her and Wilson a chance.
Either we're traveling back in time or House is going to the Ren Faire this week. I honestly don't know which idea I like better. There's some sort of tournament going on, and a woman selects "Sir William" to fight against one "Sir Horace the Black," who I am totally cheering for. He is badass. Both men are in full armor. They hit each with swords for a while until Sir Horace the Black is able to get Sir William's sword away from him and knock him over. Sir William manages to get back up, take back his sword, and hit Sir Horace until he gives up. The crowd cheers for Sir William, whose moment of triumph comes to an unfortunate end when his eyes turn red and he collapses. The King whips out his cell phone and calls for an ambulance.
A completely naked House searches in the kitchen drawer for his trusty ibuprofen. Why are Hugh Laurie's nipples so far down on his chest? Does he have really high shoulders? Something just doesn't look quite right there. Although I'm sure many other ladies aren't complaining. Oh, and here's something that's even wronger -- Lucas is going to be in this episode. Gross. Boring. House makes his way to the fridge, at which point someone off-camera walks into the room. "You're new," he says, seemingly unbothered. "You're naked," says one Cynthia Watros as the camera pans to reveal her. I love Cynthia Watros because a long long time ago she played this awesome crazy lady on Guiding Light named Annie. And I guess she was also on some show called Lost? "And, for the record, a little bit cold," House replies. She introduces herself as "Sam" and says she thought no one was home after Wilson (or "James," as she insists on calling him) left for work early. How could Wilson have had a date and brought a girl home without House knowing? He's really slipping. House offers her a bowl of cereal ("Colo's Colios" -- like Cheerios but not really!). She offers him an apron to wear. He probably shouldn't need much more than a pot holder though, what with it being so cold and all. And since when was House such an exhibitionist? Even if he thought no one was home, there's still the matter of all of the windows in his apartment through which anyone could catch a glimpse of him. House dons the apron and Sam says she and Wilson apparently thought House was staying in New York last night. Why would he do that? Obviously, he didn't. He studies Sam as she gathers her things and says she'd like to pretend this never happened.
At PPTH, House arrives for work fully clothed and bearing arms -- a giant sword, to be exact. I'm sure he had no problem getting it through PPTH's useless security team. "I had a dream like this once," Hadley says; "it didn't end well." House greets his fellows with "huzzah, loyal peasants!" and makes a circumcision joke that I'm sure none of the men in the room appreciate before informing them that there's a guy in the ER who "lives" in a community where they pretend to live in medieval times every weekend. House describes this as "a nobler age where people crapped in the streets and [Hadley] would have been a grandmother." Hadley reads Sir William's file and sees that he's actually been living there (or "camping out") every day for the past month as House swings his sword, thus cutting off the top of his little anatomy bust's skull. Foreman is not impressed with House's sword skills or Sir William, saying a seizure following a fight is an obvious concussion. Taub says it could be a subdural hematoma, but House tells him "to demonize" his diagnosis. "An evil, Satanic subdural hematoma," Taub says. House says he meant "two demon eyes," as in Sir William's bloody eyeballs. Hadley says it could be an allergic reaction, which is exactly what House was waiting for, as it means he gets to send his Cottages to the crazy Ren Faire for a look around. He tells Foreman to take "Frodo" to check it out. Taub assumes that means him, but House says he's actually Gollum. And none of it applies anyway since the Hobbits are from Middle Earth, not the Middle Ages. Hadley, then, is the Frodo, which upsets her because she thinks House is saying she has short legs or hairy feet. Chase, meanwhile, pretends that he doesn't know who Frodo is.