By Sara M
Okay, so, there's this Renaissance Fair that people apparently live in, like, all the time. And one of them, Sir William, comes to PPTH when his eyes turn red and he collapses after winning a swordfight against another knight. It turns out that Sir William is in love with the queen-to-be, Shannon, but he refuses to let it go any further because knights don't steal their friend's (as well as the king's) girl. Apparently, he's never heard of Lancelot, but whatever. As Sir William gets worse, House and Hadley pay a visit to the Ren Fair (in costume!) and find that the apothecary's apprentice doesn't know poisonous hemlock from harmless wild carrots. King Miles gave some of what he thought was wild carrot to his knights for their pre-fight gross-food-eating challenge (because apparently "wild carrot" is right up there with cow eyes as a gross food), and while the small amount of hemlock wasn't enough to make any of the other knights who ate it sick, Sir William was secretly taking steroids, which made the hemlock more effective. Also, he had poison ivy. And was secretly into witchcraft.
Speaking of witches, House meets Wilson's ex-wife and current girlfriend Sam and plots to break her and Wilson up before she can break his heart again. And also because you know House gets jealous of anyone who gets Wilson's attention. His transvestite prostitute double date (named Sara! Awesome!) doesn't have its intended effect, so he waits until he and Sam are alone to tell her what he thinks of her, then hires stupid Lucas to dig up some dirt on her. He comes up with confidential files from Sam's therapist, but House elects not to read them after Sam asks him to give her and Wilson a chance.
Either we're traveling back in time or House is going to the Ren Faire this week. I honestly don't know which idea I like better. There's some sort of tournament going on, and a woman selects "Sir William" to fight against one "Sir Horace the Black," who I am totally cheering for. He is badass. Both men are in full armor. They hit each with swords for a while until Sir Horace the Black is able to get Sir William's sword away from him and knock him over. Sir William manages to get back up, take back his sword, and hit Sir Horace until he gives up. The crowd cheers for Sir William, whose moment of triumph comes to an unfortunate end when his eyes turn red and he collapses. The King whips out his cell phone and calls for an ambulance.
A completely naked House searches in the kitchen drawer for his trusty ibuprofen. Why are Hugh Laurie's nipples so far down on his chest? Does he have really high shoulders? Something just doesn't look quite right there. Although I'm sure many other ladies aren't complaining. Oh, and here's something that's even wronger -- Lucas is going to be in this episode. Gross. Boring. House makes his way to the fridge, at which point someone off-camera walks into the room. "You're new," he says, seemingly unbothered. "You're naked," says one Cynthia Watros as the camera pans to reveal her. I love Cynthia Watros because a long long time ago she played this awesome crazy lady on Guiding Light named Annie. And I guess she was also on some show called Lost? "And, for the record, a little bit cold," House replies. She introduces herself as "Sam" and says she thought no one was home after Wilson (or "James," as she insists on calling him) left for work early. How could Wilson have had a date and brought a girl home without House knowing? He's really slipping. House offers her a bowl of cereal ("Colo's Colios" -- like Cheerios but not really!). She offers him an apron to wear. He probably shouldn't need much more than a pot holder though, what with it being so cold and all. And since when was House such an exhibitionist? Even if he thought no one was home, there's still the matter of all of the windows in his apartment through which anyone could catch a glimpse of him. House dons the apron and Sam says she and Wilson apparently thought House was staying in New York last night. Why would he do that? Obviously, he didn't. He studies Sam as she gathers her things and says she'd like to pretend this never happened.
At PPTH, House arrives for work fully clothed and bearing arms -- a giant sword, to be exact. I'm sure he had no problem getting it through PPTH's useless security team. "I had a dream like this once," Hadley says; "it didn't end well." House greets his fellows with "huzzah, loyal peasants!" and makes a circumcision joke that I'm sure none of the men in the room appreciate before informing them that there's a guy in the ER who "lives" in a community where they pretend to live in medieval times every weekend. House describes this as "a nobler age where people crapped in the streets and [Hadley] would have been a grandmother." Hadley reads Sir William's file and sees that he's actually been living there (or "camping out") every day for the past month as House swings his sword, thus cutting off the top of his little anatomy bust's skull. Foreman is not impressed with House's sword skills or Sir William, saying a seizure following a fight is an obvious concussion. Taub says it could be a subdural hematoma, but House tells him "to demonize" his diagnosis. "An evil, Satanic subdural hematoma," Taub says. House says he meant "two demon eyes," as in Sir William's bloody eyeballs. Hadley says it could be an allergic reaction, which is exactly what House was waiting for, as it means he gets to send his Cottages to the crazy Ren Faire for a look around. He tells Foreman to take "Frodo" to check it out. Taub assumes that means him, but House says he's actually Gollum. And none of it applies anyway since the Hobbits are from Middle Earth, not the Middle Ages. Hadley, then, is the Frodo, which upsets her because she thinks House is saying she has short legs or hairy feet. Chase, meanwhile, pretends that he doesn't know who Frodo is.
House heads to Wilson's office, still armed with his sword, the point of which he places close to Wilson's throat as he asks him who Sam is and why Wilson tried to hide her from him. Wilson is upset to hear that House was home last night after all and that he was wandering around their kitchen naked in the morning. "Why?" he asks. "It's not important right now," House says, quickly changing the subject back to Sam and why Wilson doesn't want him to know about her. There are so many reasons, all of which have to do with House and none of which have to do with Sam, but House prefers to think it's something like Sam is married or used to be a man. He thinks her masculine name is a clue, then realizes that it's short for Samantha, which is also the name of Wilson's first ex-wife. Or, as House calls her, "the soulless harpy [Wilson was] married to before [House and Wilson] met." He guesses that Sam is only back with Wilson because she's older now and has fewer options, so Wilson looks good again. Wilson tells House he can spare him the protective act: "I got this." House appears to be fine with that, saying he'll be there to tell Wilson "I told you so" when Sam breaks his heart again.
Chase and Taub stick Sir William in Ye Olde MRI (of DOOOMESDAY BOOK!!). They don't find any hematomas, with Chase saying Sir William's brain looks "completely normal." Taub says there is the fact that said brain seems to think it's a good idea to "play dress up." Chase says his uncle used to pretend he was "King Leopold," though I have no idea if he means King Leopold I of Belgium or his son, King Leopold II. "I'm not pretending," Sir William says over the PA system that Chase and Taub apparently didn't realize was on this whole time. "Uh ... sorry about that," Chase says, then asks if Sir William truly believes he's a knight. Sir William says being a knight isn't a game -- "it's a lifestyle." He likes to be "knightly" in his everyday life by being honorable and stuff. Taub where putting on armor and fighting each other comes in. "That we do for fun," Sir William admits. Oh, but then the MRI (of DOOOM!!) strikes again, as Sir William says he's not feeling well and barfs.
Foreman takes a sample from the well, only to have to deal with a couple who have a problem with his modern dress. "God's teeth! What strange manner of garments be these?" a guy says, then laughs at Foreman with his wife as if Foreman's the guy who looks ridiculous here. Foreman hangs up his cell phone, at which point the guy says "he consorts with tiny demons in his hand. 'Tis witchcraft, I say!" Hadley thoroughly enjoys this as she chews on a turkey leg, but Foreman does not, telling the guy to shut up and move along. The guy looks all sad, and Hadley tells Foreman to relax and get into it. He could tell them he's a time traveler. "If we're gonna be here we might as well enjoy it," she says. Foreman decides to do just that, saying that the current diagnosis following Sir William's MRI barf is food poisoning. Hadley promptly spits out the turkey leg.
As they glance at some guy rolling out dough while hawking loogies (these people do live in the real world too, right? Where such behavior is completely unacceptable? So why are they happy to do it here?), our ridiculous king and queen approach them, saying they heard the doctors wanted to speak with them. Since when did kings and queens hang out in town like that? This Ren Faire sucks. Foreman says Sir William isn't doing well, and the king starts muttering something about poxes before the queen tells him to quit the act and get real. "We just thought it was a concussion," she says. "He's gonna be okay, right?" the king asks, sounding much less royal now. Hadley says they need to check out Sir William's campsite. Foreman recommends investing in a dental plan for the kingdom, like bad teeth is the only problem these people have.
Sir William's campsite is a giant tent full of fake knight equipment. Foreman finds some barf on the floor and decides to look through it. He plucks an intact cow's eyeball from the mess, and queen-to-be Shannon explains that King Miles likes to make his knights eat nasty food the night before a tournament to prove their bravery. "He got the idea from Fear Factor," she says. Joe Rogan strikes again! He is the root of all evil. Foreman wonders why Sir William didn't mention eating this stuff when he went to the hospital. Well, it looks like he barfed it all up, so he didn't really eat it, did he? Also, King Miles says, his knights are sworn to secrecy about their stupid rituals and "William tends to take his role as a knight very seriously." And if King Miles is saying you take your Ren Faire role seriously, you might want to get some help.
House doesn't seem to think the eyeball is any danger, as we see him bouncing it on the meeting room table like a superball. We're not supposed to think that's a real eyeball, right? Because those don't bounce like that. They don't really bounce at all. Just splat. Don't ask me how I know this. Hadley lists the rest of the things King Miles made his knights eat: testicle, cow brain, and "pig rectum with a side order of sphincter." Chase continues to chew his lunch, unbothered. "I think they call that breakfast in Australia," Taub says. Oh, come now, Taub. Vegemite isn't that bad. Chase just grins with a long string of something hanging down from his mouth. Can't imagine why Cameron divorced that! House thinks that Sir William was allergic to something in the food, which is why he got sick and no one else did. He tells them to test Sir William for allergies to everything they have samples of while also treating him for the allergy they don't know that he has.
With Shannon at his beside (in normal clothes, which she apparently does possess), Foreman and Hadley get ready to test Sir William while he insists that Shannon go home to work on her upcoming wedding to King Miles. Oh, I bet they're having it at the Ren Faire, and when family members received invitations in the mail, they all sighed like you do when you're slightly ashamed about who you're related to. I did that earlier this week when I was facebooking distant relatives and saw one is married to a guy with a mullet. He isn't a blood relative, but still. Shannon says they were going to postpone the wedding until Sir William was feeling better, but he assures her that he'll be fine and even makes a joke about the photographer needing a good red-eye filter for his bright red eyeballs. Yeah, like they're going to have a photographer at the wedding. Try some guy who can paint really fast. Hadley starts to do the scratch allergy test on Sir William's arm and the trouble starts. "That feels really strange," he says as his monitors beep warningly. Yes, his heartbeat has become irregular and must be shocked back into a normal rhythm. While Hadley warms up the paddles, Foreman opens Sir William's gown to reveal a rash on his chest.
After the break, Foreman says the fact that the epinephrine they gave Sir William didn't help him rules out House's allergy diagnosis. Well, if that's all they had to go by, then why did they do a scratch test at all? House is determined to be right, and says Sir William could be allergic to something at the Ren Faire as well as the preservative in epinephrine, which is very convenient. Hadley decides to bum everyone out by saying that MRSA is a better fit. MRSA sucks because it spreads easily and is really hard to treat. Hadley continues to be a downer by pointing out that Foreman wasn't wearing gloves when he touched Sir William, because Foreman is an idiot who still hasn't learned proper infection control procedures despite nearly dying from something he caught from a patient four seasons ago. House makes sure to keep a nice distance from Foreman as he orders the Cottages to stick Sir William in isolation, treat him with antibiotics, and test for MRSA.
House walks into Cuddy's office, where she has already found out about the suspected MRSA case. She thinks that's why he's there because she apparently forgot that House doesn't give a shit about his patients or PPTH. No, he's there to talk about something "more important." Cuddy guesses it must be something "personal and stupid." She's right! House is upset about Wilson's new girlfriend. Cuddy already knows about it, which bothers House since it means that Wilson truly was able to keep it a secret from him. Cuddy smirks that Wilson keeps a lot of secrets from House. "Like how you slept with your father's best friend?" House says. Uh, when did that come up? Why in god's name would Cuddy tell Wilson that? Why would she tell ANYONE that? And OF COURSE Wilson told House! I totally would, too. "Hey, good friend, check this out: our boss, who clearly has no concept of boundaries, decided to let me know that she slept with her dad's best friend!" You can't keep that kind of thing to yourself, nor should you be expected to. Cuddy is not pleased with Wilson, but refuses to break up his relationship with Sam as House orders. He says Sam will rip Wilson's heart out just like she did after their first marriage ended. "Do you remember what he was like after that?" he asks. "Yes, I do," Cuddy sighs. House says she's the perfect person for this job since Wilson won't listen to him and she has "decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers." Cuddy gives him a minute to think about what he just said. "Obviously, I don't include myself," House adds. Cuddy warns House that bad things happen when you interfere with people's relationships. "Of course. I do it all the time ... hmm. I see your point," House says. Oh, come on now. I don't think Sam will die in a bus crash or Wilson will feel compelled to murder an African dictator. Lightning doesn't strike twice. What more could go wrong? "You force him to choose, you might not like the answer," Cuddy says. You mean like when House tried to force Wilson to choose back when he was dating CTB two seasons ago? Why are we seeing this storyline again, anyway?
Hadley stops by Sir William's room, where Shannon is once again visiting. You'll notice that Sir William doesn't have any other friends or family members interesting in visiting him, probably because they got really sick of him saying "forsooth!" and things like that all the time and disowned him. She says that Sir William seems to be feeling better, so perhaps the MRSA diagnosis was correct. Sir William asks Shannon to fetch him a tankard of mead from the vending machine. As soon as she's out of the room, he drops his brave act and tells Hadley that his pain is actually getting worse, but he pretended it was better so Shannon wouldn't worry. Because I'm sure she's not worried already what with him being almost dead and all. "So how long have you been in love with her?" Hadley asks, like, why does she even care? Sir William denies the obvious, saying they're just friends. Then: "since the first time I saw her." But she's engaged to his friend, so he won't say anything. Hadley asks how close their friendship can really be when King Miles hasn't visited yet. Well, he has a fucking kingdom to run, Hadley. Geez. Judge much? "What kind of knight steals his friend's bride?" Sir William asks. Oh, I don't know. Maybe ... SIR LANCELOT, one of the most famous knights ever? I know about him and I only read, like, one book about it 14 years ago. I find it hard to believe that Sir William, lover of all things medieval, isn't aware. "You're not a knight," Hadley says gently; "you're just a guy." Is that supposed to make him feel better? "I want to be more than that," Sir William says. Great, so you're just a guy who plays dress-up. Anyway, speaking of back-stabbing, Sir William complains of a sharp pain in his back. Hadley looks and finds some more rash lurking there.
In the lab, Chase says whatever he's looking at under the microscope isn't MRSA. He and Taub try to guess what it could be instead, and then Taub laughs at Chase for seeming to buy into Sir William's theory that he does the knight thing for fun and to prove bravery. "You would say that," Chase scoffs. He doesn't think Taub has ever won a fight. "I took on three guys in college once," Taub starts. Seriously -- never doubt that the little man can fight. He always has something to prove. But we won't hear any more about that, as House enters and tries to act superior to his underlings, which soon falls apart when he's forced to reveal what Sir William's rash really is and how he knows it: it's just poison ivy, and House has a similar rash on his arm where he handled Sir William's sword. Ha ha! That's why you shouldn't touch other men's swords. You don't know where they've been. House says a severe reaction to poison ivy could explain Sir William's eyeball hemorrhages, and if he breathed it in through bonfire smoke (a bonfire consisting entirely of poison ivy plants, apparently. That probably wasn't a good idea), it could have created havoc with his lungs and sinuses, causing everything else. Hmmm. I've never had poison ivy myself, but my best friend Brenda was really sensitive to it, so every summer she'd get it everywhere if she so much as looked at a poison ivy plant. She got it in her eyes and I think she got it in her lungs one year, or at the very least inside her mouth. But it was nothing like they're suggesting Sir William's reaction to poison ivy is. And then all the pagers go off, indicating that Sir William has taken a turn for the worse.
Taub and Chase run into Sir William's room, where Hadley is standing around a bunch of beeping machines. She says his heart rate is slowing, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Instead, she notices that Taub and Chase aren't wearing their anti-MRSA suits and asks what's up, because that's the most important thing right now. Taub quickly tells her it isn't MRSA as Chase runs up with a syringe of epinephrine. Taub advises against that, saying it could "blow [Sir William's] heart out." Chase does it anyway. Oh, and then Sir William's heart stops. "I told you!" Taub says, because now is definitely the time to lord your personal victories over your co-worker. Especially since one second later, Sir William's heart rate is back and normal. "And I told you," Chase says.
So now that Sir William has a heart problem, poison ivy is no longer a credible diagnosis, nor is an epinephrine allergy. Chase suggests an infection caused by a usually harmless bacteria taking advantage of Sir William's weakened immune system. But House doesn't like any of their choices for what could have caused Sir William to have a weakened immune system, so he goes back to his environmental thing. Hadley insists that they tested all of the food stands at the fair and they were (shockingly) clean. "Maybe he got the poison somewhere else. Or maybe you just missed it," House says. He orders them to treat Sir William for trichinosis, then do a muscle biopsy to test for it.
House finds Wilson in the main lobby, and Wilson reluctantly invites him out to dinner with him and Sam, saying Sam wants to get to know House better and thinks Wilson was trying to hide his roommate from her. Which he was. And was wise to. But he doesn't want her to know that, so he's forced to take House out to dinner. Very stupid, Wilson. I would have just told Sam I was hiding him from her. Once House ascertains that Wilson is "asking [him] to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust," he only wants to know "when and where?" Wilson says it's tonight, which is really short notice, especially since House doesn't know what to wear since "all of [his] cereal boxes are at the cleaners." Wilson tries to level with House, saying that while he appreciates him trying to look out for him, he doesn't need or want his help. "Come to dinner and be your usual selfish self," Wilson asks. He can't possibly think that's the best way to phrase that, right?
Shannon tells Sir William that King Miles promised to "stop by later." Wow, King Miles does not give a shit. Sir William says he'd rather King Miles not come at all because he doesn't want him to see his knight sick like this. Shannon asks if she should leave too, then, and Sir William says no a bit too quickly. Of course, Hadley's there to butt in. "I think he's saying it's different with you, Shannon," she says, much to Sir William's horror. "Uh, it's a guy thing. They don't like showing weakness in front of each other," she adds. Way to dig yourself out of the hole you just created, Hadley! With that, she asks Shannon to wait outside while she collects some biopsy material. "Don't hurt him," Shannon asks. "He's safe with me," Hadley assures her. Yeah, but his secrets clearly aren't. As soon as Shannon leaves, Hadley urges Sir William to tell Shannon how he truly feels, thinking that Shannon has feelings for him, too. Oh, mind your own business, Hadley. Don't you hate love? Sir William says knights are supposed to be selfless. Hadley reminds him that while that might be true in theory, it's never been true in practice. "If you want to be king, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours," she says. Methinks Hadley watches a little too much of The Tudors. "She's not mine," Sir William says. "She's not his either. Not yet," Hadley says. Ah yes, weren't the medieval times when women were thought of as chattel just the greatest?
Moving right along, Wilson and Sam wait for House to arrive for their dinner. Wilson is justifiably nervous, but Sam doesn't see how bad House can be in the middle of a restaurant. She doesn't get a chance to finish her sentence, though, because one of the most awesome things in the world just happened: House walks up with his dinner date, who is a transvestite prostitute. And House is fucking beaming right now because he knows that this is one of his greatest ever moments. House clearly got his transvestite prostitute from a much better area than my neighborhood, where the transvestite prostitutes are haggard and have terrible wigs and are constantly fighting with each other near the bus stop. No, this transvestite prostitute is classy. And her name is Sara! YES! This is the second week in a row we've had a Sara! I DEMAND SARAS EVERY WEEK ON THIS SHOW FROM NOW ON. "It's so nice to meet you! Horse has -- " "House," House corrects. " - House has told me all about you!" she/he says. Fantastic!
Foreman wanders into the lab holding two cups of coffee, thus doubling up on two of my pet peeves on this show: 1) a clearly empty cup that is supposed to be full, and 2) people eating or drinking in the lab. Hadley reports that she's just finished looking at Sir William's muscle biopsy and it is clean, so House was wrong. "It's not environmental," she insists. Foreman says they might have missed something at the Ren Faire. Or at least, that's what House is going to say. A fungal infection fits Sir William's symptoms, but Hadley says that's pretty much impossible since all of their tests have shown no evidence of it. They could test all of their samples again for spores, but that will take all night and thus interfere with Hadley's social life. Foreman sighs that House has clearly been in increasing pain lately. Not that he's sympathetic to House's plight, but he knows that "extra pain means extra cranky ... he's not gonna accept this isn't environmental unless we give him no choice."
House is going to be extra extra cranky now, because not only is he in pain, but also his brilliant plan to pay a transvestite to ruin the double date has backfired, as it turns out that Sam and Sara have a lot in common. They're from the same small town and have memories to share. "Do you remember that little bakery -- the one with the amazing cupcakes?" Sara asks. "Gino's!" Sam says. "UNH, YES!" Sara says. Clearly, she is a fan of cupcakes. Sam says it's always her first stop when she visits home. "Me too!" Sara says. Yes, but I'll bet the reactions of her fellow small-town bakery goers are a bit different. "Remember that strip club?" Sam asks. "Girl, I used to work at that strip club!" Sara says. Aw, this makes me miss my small hometown, which also had a little bakery and a strip club. The woman who ran the bakery died like a decade ago but the small bakery building is still there, boarded up and rotting away on the town's main drag. And the strip club was shut down even before Mary of Mary's Bakery died because they were caught employing an underage girl I went to high school with. While we were still in high school.
Sir William's apartment has a giant medieval model battle scene set up in the living room. Also, tapestries on the wall. And random swords and shields on the walls. I can't imagine why he's having so much trouble getting girls. The apartment appears to be clean except for a locked room that they don't have the key to. Hadley looks to Chase to break the door down, and he tries and fails, winding up groaning on the floor and holding his shoulder. Hadley steps over him, plucks a key from some random spot on the floor, and unlocks the door. "My hero," she smugs. Why do people put up with her? If my co-worker did that to me, I'd shove her in the room and lock the door behind her, then tell her to find a way out if she thinks she's so good with locked doors. They enter the room to find a lot of crazy devil-worshipping stuff -- a pentagram on the wall, a fake skull on a table that might not be part of the room's decor but instead where Sir William stores his Halloween decorations in the off-season, and a ton of electronic candles that stayed lit despite Sir William being out of the apartment for weeks on end. I know they're not real candles and all, but don't they run on batteries? Hadley finds a book of spells or something on a table. The title is Necronomicon. "Our knight is a witch," Hadley says. Except not really, since I'm pretty sure actual wiccans don't decorate their shrine rooms with stuff from the sale rack at Hot Topic.
In the meeting room, the Cottages pour over the props from Sir William's apartment. Taub suggests that Sir William was somehow poisoning himself with his seemingly harmless fake potions, and they didn't see it in his bloodwork because it happened over time, the poison collecting slowly in Sir William's liver in focal hepatic lesions, which is what they saw in the ultrasound. Every time one exploded, it released another dose of the poison into Sir William's system. House has an idea of what the poison could be, too -- lead, from Sir William's many figurines. He orders them to biopsy one of Sir William's liver cysts and test for lead.
Wilson and Sam arrive back at Wilson's apartment on their way to a movie. Wilson wants to change out of his suit, and that gives Sam an idea to take advantage of his temporary lack of clothing to have sex with him. It'll mean they have to see a later showing, but no one seems to mind. Oh, but wait -- House is home. And he's pretending to be cheerful, humming a merry tune to himself as he puts the finishing touches on a plate of hor d'oeuvres, the first part of the dinner he made for Wilson and Sam tonight without telling them about it or checking to see if they had other plans first. Sam shrugs and reaches for one, but Wilson snaps at her not to touch it, no doubt fearful that it contains poison. But House puts on his most sincere apologetic expression and says he's only trying to be nice to make up for his "juvenile" behavior at the dinner. Since when was it considered "juvenile" to do anything with a transvestite prostitute? Except maybe pull on his/her pigtails. Anyway, Wilson and Sam totally fall for it and help themselves.
Sometime later, they're laughing over wine and the remnants of their desert soufflé. "My mom's recipe," House claims; "everything else I got off the web." Wilson proposes a toast to that, allowing House to add, "where I found the lamb ragout and you two found each other. Again." Sam says there was some stuff in between, like "divorce, depression, therapy, more therapy, then the internet." Because those are the kinds of things that make a new relationship blossom! Wilson's had enough wine to let his guard down and go to the bathroom, leaving Sam with House. "I cook in peace," House promises. Wilson leaves, and House smiles at Sam and says, "you're a cold-hearted bitch who ripped his heart out." He says there's no way he'll let her back into Wilson's life to do the damage that she did last time around. Sam takes this in, and then asks what the dinner was about, like that matters. "Phase 2 of getting to know my enemy," House explains. I'm pretty sure revealing said phases to the enemy was not in the phase book, but okay. Sam just shrugs and tells House he's wrong about her but she's glad he said something so that she only has to pretend to like him when Wilson is around. House says he feels the same way. Then they hear Wilson exiting the bathroom. "And scene!" House says, and sits back and drinks some wine like nothing happened. I wish Sam had done that too, but she just stays there with an expression on her face like House just farted in her puppy's face and then ran it over with his motorcycle.
House heads into work the day, where the Cottages inform him that they found no lead in Sir William's biopsy and his heart is getting worse. "There's only one thing left to do!" House says. What could that be? Well, the strums of a lute tell us that YES! House is going to the Ren Faire. And in costume, because why not? I'm sure detailed medieval clothing like that is easy to find. Oh, but he made Hadley come with him, and she is also in medieval dress. She says this is a waste of time, but House begs to differ. "Just because Wilson's acting stupid doesn't mean we are," Hadley says. Huh? Mind your own business, wench! House asks if she thinks Wilson is making a mistake, like when did he care about Hadley's opinion on anything? "Of course," she says. Um, then WHY DID YOU ENCOURAGE HIM TO DATE SAM LAST WEEK?!?! Does Hadley secretly hate Wilson? House ties this all in to the patient of the week, saying that Wilson naturally lives by his own code of "honor and chivalry." Yeah, like the one where he cheated on like all of his wives? Please. Hadley thinks that makes Wilson a "great guy." House thinks it makes him a "sucker and a target." Yeah, like for his "best friend" who makes him buy him an apartment that will screw up his friendship with his boss and then makes him fill it with furniture. With that, House wanders off towards the apothecary shop.
Hadley protests that she and Foreman already checked the place out, but House insists on taking a look. Oh, no. The apothecary is there, and he won't break character. "I cry your pardon, sir," he says. House holds up a jar and asks what's inside it. "Why, that's lavender!" Apothecary says with his silly fake English accent. "Try rose hips," House says. Oh, snap! You just got out-apothecary'd! "Who cares?" Hadley asks. House does, because if the apothecary can't tell his lavender from his rose hips, then who knows what else he's labeled falsely in there. He holds up another jar. "Be nothing but St. John's Wort," Apothecary says. WRONG! It's black cohosh. At this, the Apothecary drops the act and the accent and says this is his uncle's shop and he's just an apprentice, so wouldst thou please stop busting his balls? House ignores him for a bunch of hanging plants, which he rummages through until he comes up with a few root vegetables. He asks the apprentice to identify them. "A wild carrot," he says. WRONG FOR A THIRD TIME! "It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle," House says. Hadley and Apprentice both look horrified, because hemlock is kind of poisonous. Especially if you eat big chunks of the root because you think it's a carrot. In fact, water hemlock like what we see in the apothecary shop is the most poisonous plant in this continent. Which is why House probably shouldn't be touching it with his bare hands, but whatever. Also, WHY ON EARTH WOULD A REN FAIRE APOTHECARY SHOP STOCK THE MOST POISONOUS PLANT IN ALL OF NORTH AMERICA?!?!?!?!?! House's question is has anyone purchased any of his wild carrots. Apprentice says he sold but one branch, and that was to King Miles. "The only part of the environment you didn't check -- the people living in it," House says to Hadley. Yes, that and THE INCREDIBLY TOXIC PLANTS DANGLING IN PLAIN SIGHT PRETENDING TO BE CARROTS.
Without bothering to change, House and Hadley run into the waiting room area and find King Miles and Shannon. House immediately accuses Miles of poisoning Sir William, calling him a "royal anus." He holds up a sample of the hemlock, and King Miles is confused, as he thought they were wild carrots. House and Hadley tell Miles to bring the truth before Sir William dies and he's a murderer. King Miles admits to buying the hemlock for that stupid gross food challenge, but denies knowing it was actually hemlock. House doubts this, saying if that were true then all of the knights in the food challenge would be sick, not just Sir William. "Why would I want to hurt William?" Miles asks. "I can think of at least one reason," Hadley says with a pointed look at Shannon, like this situation isn't complicated enough right now. King Miles swears he's telling them the truth. Right, so, for the gross food challenge he made his knights eat pig ass, cow eye, and a dreaded VEGETABLE?
House heads into Sir William's room, where the Cottages inform him that their tests for hemlock came back positive. Chase then takes a second to admire Hadley's cleavage since it's on display in her Ren Faire wear while House tells Sir William that his honorable friend tried to kill him. Sir William refuses to believe it, saying Miles is "the best man [he's] ever known. That's why he was chosen king." Say what? Kings aren't chosen; they're born! This Ren Faire blows. Taub speaks up to say that Sir William's condition is declining when it should be improving with the treatment for hemlock poisoning. The hemlock is not what's killing Sir William after all.
House sits in his office and handles the poison ivy sword, even though he now knows that it's full of poison ivy oils and it comes from a Ren Faire full of crazy stupid people so god knows where it's been. Lucas walks in, unwelcome and uninvited as usual, and drops off a large envelope for House. Yes, House paid him to run a very detailed background check on Sam. But Lucas says Sam doesn't really have any skeletons in her closet, although he didn't read her psychiatrist's notes. He left those in the envelope for House to check out at his leisure. With that, Sam walks in, as she apparently doesn't have a job or anywhere else to be. "You got a minute?" she asks. "Sure," Lucas says, then takes way too long to realize she's talking to House and not him. Uh huh. Keep trying to make Lucas a likeable character, writers. See how well that works for you. Lucas leaves, and Sam says that, after having had a night to think things over, she realizes that House was just looking out for Wilson. She knows she made mistakes in her marriage, but she cares about Wilson and so does House. "Is it really too much to ask that you give us a chance to find out [where their relationship is going]?" Sam asks. House doesn't say yes, but he doesn't say no, either. Sam leaves, and House picks up the sword again, bouncing it in his hand a bit before getting Epiphany Face. He kisses the blade of the sword in thanks.
It would be AMAZING if the time we saw House, he had poison ivy all over his lips, but no. He calls the Cottages into the lightbox room to show them those liver cyst ultrasounds again. He now realizes that they were peliosis hepatis, which, combined with the heart trouble and rhabdomyolysis almost certainly means Sir William takes steroids. "No, he wouldn't," Hadley immediately insists. I agree, but only because Sir William isn't buff enough. House says the hemlock accelerated the damage from the steroids, which is why the other knights didn't get sick despite also eating what wikipedia tells me is, again, THE MOST POISONOUS PLANT IN ALL OF NORTH AMERICA.
Hadley checks in on Sir William, who looks much better now that his eyeballs are white again. He says he's ashamed of himself. Hadley asks why he was willing to "compromise" his knight's code to take steroids to win a fight, but not to go for Shannon. No one asks about Sir William's random love of the occult, which was apparently not relevant at all so I'm not sure why they bothered to mention it. Sir William says the fights are games, and thus it's okay to cheat. Shannon is real life. "You don't need to win anyone's heart. You just need to ask for it," Hadley says. Sir William insists that Shannon is better off with King Miles because he's rich and popular, like, what is a rich person doing at the Ren Faire? Did he inherit his wealth? Surely he didn't work for it. "She deserves the best. Guess I'd rather she be happy even if it means I'm not," Sir William says, thinking he's being all honorable and selfless. Hadley just thinks he's an idiot.
Later that night, House thinks about opening the envelope full of Sam's psychiatrist notes. But he throws it in the trash and takes some ibuprofen instead.
And oh my god - in the credits, they give special thanks to "the Original Renaissance Pleasure Faire." It's near Los Angeles and it's open right now! I'm totally going. The FAQ say it's wheelchair accessible and has vegetarian and gluten-free food, and this past Sunday was their 3rd annual "Gay Day," because that's the way things were in medieval times. Even more awesome, one of the questions that faire-goers frequently ask is "may I bring my weapon?" FUN.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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