By Sara M
We open on some terrible CGI of some kind of post-apocalyptic-looking building with shark tanks and pterodactyls. Soon enough, we discover that this is a virtual reality videogame, which means the CGI is not terrible after all. I thought for a second that we were supposed to think that this was all real, which wouldn't have been such a huge suspension of disbelief after last week's episode. A lizard-thing, a monkey-thing, and a cat-thing enter the room and come up with a plan to take out their enemies, which seem to mostly consist of the pterodactyls. Sadly, both the monkey and the lizard are eaten alive by the pterodactyls and their game's ended when the cat-thing disappears from the game. The players re-enter the real world and talk about improving the blood graphics while looking for their boss, Vince, who was playing the cat-thing. They're initially annoyed at him for abandoning them like Leroy Jenkins, but it turns out that he had good reason too: his hands feel like they're on fire.
Okay, these opening credits have gone on long enough. It's been two years! I don't want Olivia Wilde on the show either but she's earned a right to be more than an "also starring."
And, of course, Hadley's the first person we see as she tells ER patient Vince that all of their tests on possible hand-fire conditions have come back negative, so, as she so impressively puts it, "I dunno" what's wrong with him. He'll be transferred to a neurologist. Not so fast, says Vince, who apparently studies the local medical hotshots when he isn't creating his virtual reality games; "don't you have some famous diagnostics guy? What's he doing?"
Why, he's quitting his position as famous diagnostics guy, as it happens. For some reason, Foreman is in Cuddy's office with Cuddy and House and is the first to respond with "you can't quit." "I think you're confusing me with Jake Gyllenhaal," House says. I see the months-long stay at Mayfield had no effect on his ability to make gay jokes, although now they're pretty dated ones. "Are you okay?" Cuddy asks, because that's pretty much what her and House's relationship has become: him doing something unexpected and her asking if he's feeling okay while looking either annoyed or concerned depending on the situation. House says that he and his therapist think he needs to change his environment and his habits in order for his progress to continue. More bad advice from Dr. Nolan -- wouldn't the added stress of having to find a new environment and new habits and a new job (in this economy!) actually hurt House more than help him? On the other hand, it might be even more stressful to go back to a job and workplace where you had your little psychotic break and everyone knows about it. Although they've probably forgotten about all of that by now. The writers have. House wants to go into the research field. Cuddy asks House if he's really sure about this. He is: "I know this will affect both of you. And Thirteen. And the one with the nose. But I just can't risk coming back here." But he can make fun of Taub's Jewish nose, so I guess this newfound concern for others has its limits. Cuddy nods and accepts House's resignation as if she has a choice. Meanwhile, how is PPTH still open? Surely all the patients died when House wasn't around all summer to save them from the shoddy medical skills of Cameron, head of the entire ER; Chase, the only surgeon; Wilson, the worst cancer doctor ever; Foreman, who once had a patient die from a bra infection and is unemployable anywhere else; and Hadley, who got a job despite being responsible for a patient's death during the interview process. I guess Taub saved a lot of lives over the last three months.
By Sara M
"That was surprising," Cuddy says to Foreman. Really? This is like third time House has quit PPTH. But I guess it's the first time Cuddy could tell he meant it. As for Foreman, he wastes no time in asking Cuddy if he can have House's old job and run the Department of Diagnostic Medicine. "Somebody needs to do it," he says. Way to win Cuddy over with a compelling argument, Foreman. Who doesn't want to be hired by default? Actually, these days, I totally would, especially if it came with health benefits. Cuddy says no one needs to do it, as PPTH is the only hospital that even has a department of diagnostic medicine, created by and for House because he was just that awesome. Um, what? Didn't New York Mercy have its own department of diagnostic medicine, headed up by Foreman until he got himself fired? Or are we supposed to forget about that along with House's hallucinations? Foreman lets us in on what the Cottages have been doing while House was at Mayfield: they were reassigned to other departments so they could stay on the payroll while waiting for House to return. For that reason, alone, he thinks they should be allowed to return to their former fellow position. Cuddy says that Hadley, Taub, and Foreman are great doctors (WRONG!) that she wants to stay at PPTH -- just not as diagnostic fellows. "House was a genius," Cuddy says, silently suggesting that she doesn't consider Foreman to be on his level. And really, after all the shit Foreman pulled with getting fired from Mercy and not being able to get a job anywhere else and then screwing up the Huntington's trial, he should be thanking his lucky stars that Cuddy has a job for him at PPTH at all. Instead, he says "House was an egotistical pill-popping lawsuit magnet. And a genius," he finally begrudgingly admits. And since Foreman worked "with" (um, actually, that's "for," Foreman. There's a difference) House longer than anyone else, he's the best possible candidate for this job and wants a chance to prove to Cuddy that he can do it. She agrees to give him one shot.
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By Sara M
And so, Taub, Hadley, and Foreman return to their offices, which were covered in sheets and left to rot for the past three months, break room food and all, frozen in time. Taub soon realizes how terrible his lot in life became with House's resignation as Hadley tells Foreman that his new boss role is "kinda sexy." Taub quickly gets to differential diagnosing Vince with diabetic neuropathy to change the subject. Foreman turns it down based on some tests results and removes the sheet (seriously, does PPTH really have that many extra sheets? They covered the meeting room with at least fifty of them!) from the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. But before he can remove the sheets from the no-doubt-individually-sheet-wrapped markers, Hadley comes up with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, a diagnosis that Foreman and Taub can agree on. Foreman tells them to prepare Vince for spinal stimulation to prove it and points out that they're perfectly capable of doing this without House. Except that they haven't done anything yet. They don't even know if the diagnosis is correct. And we, the audience, all know that it isn't, since we're only a few minutes into the show. "Something's missing," Hadley says. "I'm short, he's black, you're gay ... ish," Taub supplies. Because a job worth doing is a job worth doing while being insulted.
But when Taub and Hadley go to Vince with their working diagnosis, he has the temerity to disagree, saying he thinks mercury poisoning from the large amount of sushi he eats is a better choice. "And you're currently getting mixed reviews in Speed the Plow on Broadway?" Hadley asks. But since her current audience is two straight men, the joke falls flat. "Google it," Hadley says, wishing House was still here because he totally would've gotten that if he hadn't said it first. She tells Vince that mercury poisoning is unlikely and unlikelier still that it would present as just pain. Vince turns his laptop around (they give the patients wireless at PPTH now? Bad idea) to show Hadley and Taub an article in the Atlantic Medical Journal with just such a case. Okay, but the Atlantic Medical Journal hasn't been published since 1928 as far as I can tell, so I don't know how valuable their cases are in these times. "Doctors make mistakes," Vince says. Oh, and WebMD doesn't? According to the internet, I have prostate cancer every time I have a stuffy nose. And I don't even have a prostate. In Vince's defense, he also found CRPS during his searches but doesn't think it's right, since it comes with other symptoms that he doesn't have. Um ... doesn't mercury poisoning also come with symptoms that he doesn't have? How is it better? He asks his doctors if it'll really hurt them to do "one lousy blood test" to rule the mercury thing out before proceeding on CRPS. Considering that they're the ones who have to do the test because PPTH refuses to hire lab personnel, it kind of will.
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By Sara M
Foreman stands in his new office and enjoys the feeling of all that power going to his head. Then he gets to removing the sheets they put all over the place (except for over the desk chair for whatever reason. Maybe they finally ran out?) -- starting with the one covering House's giant tennis ball, which he immediately sets about playing with. Um, that's not the property of PPTH, Foreman. Those are House's personal items. Hands off. Sure enough, Cameron walks in to tell Foreman that House doesn't like it when other people's hands are on his ball. Foreman says that Chase would know all about that, fighting gay ball jokes with gay ball jokes. "My husband's gay. Witty," Cameron says. Thank you for reminding us all that you and Chase got married last season, Cameron. She congratulates Foreman on the new job and offers him some encouraging words before asking how the Cottages are taking this, seeing as how one of them is more experienced than Foreman and the other is dating him. Foreman is sure it'll be fine and no different than the two years they spent working together. Cameron says it's different to work with someone than for someone, then asks the question that really brought her to Foreman: how was House? Foreman says he seemed good. I can't believe Cameron didn't visit House at Mayfield. Can't believe it. With that, Cameron lets Foreman know that the Cottages have already disobeyed his direct orders to give Vince a spinal stimulation.
Foreman finds them in the lab, completing the mercury test. He is not pleased. Hadley doesn't think it's a big deal to oblige the guy, especially since mercury is a possible diagnosis, to which Foreman says it wasn't her or Vince's decision to make -- he's in charge now, so any tests on any alternate diagnoses must go through him. And also Vince's insurance company. Let's be real here. Taub speaks up to say that the mercury test has come back negative, so Vince's "Marcus Webly" approach was ultimately wrong and Foreman can feel vindicated.
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By Sara M
House has to go all the way back to Mayfield for his outpatient therapy with Dr. Nolan. I guess if they're going to build an office set for the guy, they might as well use it. Meanwhile, I assumed we'd never see Andre Braugher again, so this is a nice surprise. Unless it means boring therapy sessions that don't really shed any light on what caused House's breakdown in the first place. Then it sucks. Anyway, now that House has quit his job, he doesn't know what to do with his time and his leg hurts more than ever. Nolan suggests that House get a hobby. House doesn't think collecting Hummel figurines will do anything for his leg, but Nolan says House's new hobby doesn't have to be lame. Wow, way to insult the Hummel figurine collector segment of the audience, show. Nolan thinks House should find something that will allow him to interact with the outside world and connect with people. House says living with Wilson in Wilson's one bedroom apartment is connected enough. "What does Wilson like to do?" Nolan suggests. Is he a therapist or a life coach? What is House even in therapy for, anyway? There's no way in hell that successful TV show writers don't know what a real therapy session is like, so why can't they write one?
Foreman introduces himself to Vince as the "head of diagnostics." He just loves his new title, doesn't he? Even though it's conditional. Vince calls him "the genius's replacement." Ha! Foreman says he's "Genius 2.0." Dick. Are we supposed to like Foreman? I know I did once, but that was so long ago. He tells Vince that the mercury levels in his blood are within normal range, but Vince has done his research and says it's actually on the high side of normal, so he demands it be treated, just in case. Foreman points out that he's the one with the medical education and experience, and it's telling him that Vince has CRPS and should have the spinal stimulation. Vince calls Foreman's opinion a "glorified hunch," as opposed to Vince's mercury thing, which is just a plain old hunch. But he trusts it more than Foreman, and refuses the spinal stimulation. Foreman says that if Vince is going to act like that, then Foreman will take his toys and go. Vince can find another doctor who will run all the unnecessary tests Vince desires. That would be a doctor who wants the hospital he works in to make money, I guess.
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By Sara M
thing we know, Vince agrees to the spinal stimulation after all. Hadley prepares him for the procedure while rubbing it in by saying she's glad he changed his mind. Vince says he was strong-armed into this by Foreman, which he finds impressive. Really? All Foreman did was call Vince's bluff. It's not that special. Vince says that Foreman reminds him of himself, so I guess Vince is a dick, too. Suddenly, as Hadley does whatever a spinal stimulation consists of, Vince says his chest hurts and he can't breathe. While he's rightfully panicking, Hadley yells at him to stay still. "What did you do?" he gasps. Should have gone with the mercury chelation, Vince. Or, better yet, just gone to a different hospital in the first place.
After the break, Taub says that Vince's lung filled with fluid because of a thickened left ventricle in his heart that, when his heart sped up during the spinal stimulation procedure, caused the pressure in his lungs to increase and a pulmonary edema. "Good thing I talked the patient into spinal stimulation," Foreman says, nearly feeling guilty. Yeah, hope you enjoyed his trust in you while it lasted. Hadley tries to look on the bright side, pointing out that they found a new symptom and can definitively rule out mercury poisoning. Foreman doesn't find that to be much consolation. Nor will Vince, I suspect. It also rules out their diagnosis of CRPS. Foreman goes with cocaine use, and Hadley gets ready to break into Vince's office and search for drugs. But Foreman doesn't want to be exactly like House, so he says they'll just ask Vince and trust his response. How many times has he seen the searching the patient's house because you can't trust him to tell the truth thing work now? Idiot.
House joins Wilson at his cooking class. Really, Wilson? A cooking class? That's how you spend your precious time? House isn't really into it, pointing out that however good the food they create is, it'll still be poop tomorrow. "Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind," Wilson says. House is quiet, but clearly has several thoughts running through his head. Wilson knows they are all ball jokes, but he has to admire House's progress in not verbalizing them. See? Those three months in Mayfield weren't a waste after all. House has learned so much. He finally speaks up to tell Wilson that his meatballs are smoking in the pan. Wilson panics, saying they are browning too fast. "Blue's the color you've gotta watch out for!" House says, unable to resist. I don't know -- I think most guys would rather have blue balls than smoking balls. House suddenly uses his medical knowledge to cure Wilson's too-quickly-browning balls with vinegar, which should slow down whatever chemical reaction is going on in Wilson's balls. Yes, but won't the balls then taste like vinegar? Gross. Nevertheless, Wilson says House's logic is sound and "you saved my balls!" Both men smile. Cooking is fun! I would have just turned the stove down, but vinegar's cool, too.
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By Sara M
While Vince stares at his ever-present laptop, Foreman sincerely apologizes to him for not foreseeing the heart problem that caused Vince's lungs to fill with fluid. Hadley stands at Vince's bedside, looking appropriately contrite. "How long you guys been doing it?" Vince asks them. Whoops! It turns out that Foreman has some kind of Facebook page with a picture of him and Hadley together at the beach in their swimsuits, and Vince hacked into it. He offers Foreman a high-five for the hot girlfriend, but Foreman leaves him hanging. Vince says that after Foreman's spinal thing nearly killed him, he figured some research into his doctor's background was in order, thus eventually stumbling across the Facebook page. How many friends do you think Foreman has on there? My guess is three. Hadley, Kumar (who hasn't logged in in months for some reason ... ), and maybe a brother who isn't in jail. Oh shit! It turns out I'm right, as Vince says that Foreman does, in fact, only have three friends. Why would you even set up a Facebook page if that were the case? Do those three people really need to keep such close tabs on you and you can't just call them instead?
Hadley slams the laptop shut and asks Vince if he uses cocaine. Vince says no, not since his college roommate OD'd. They asked if you did coke, Vince. They didn't ask for your life story. Geez. This is why House just has his underlings break into people's houses. Foreman seems to trust Vince, but as soon as he and Hadley are in the hall, he orders her to search Vince's office anyway. Hadley thinks that Foreman is trying too hard to either be just like House or the opposite, depending on which one seems to work at the time. Well, that's what you have to do when you don't have a personality of your own. In a rare moment of humility, Foreman admits that he feels like "Tom Brady's backup." Hadley points out that Matt Cassel now makes ten million a year, so that's not a bad thing. Good for Cassel, but he still didn't throw a 16-0 season. She urges Foreman to be himself and trust that's good enough. Even though it's never been good enough before. Foreman (reluctantly) thanks her for the talk before stating that they're having dinner tonight at seven. Hadley would rather do eight, but the reservation has already been made. Hadley looks a bit put out by this, but she shouldn't. This just means that she's guaranteed to leave work at a decent hour, something that never seemed to happen when House was her boss.
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By Sara M
Cuddy finally decided to stop by Wilson's apartment to see House. "Hi," she says nervously when he opens the door. "I'm making gnocchi," he says instead of a "hello." But he does nod to invite her in, where she sees that there's already someone there -- an Asian woman from House's cooking class. "She doesn't speak English," House explains. Sure enough, the woman asks "who's the broad?" although I don't know what language it's in. "Missionary," House replies, also in that language. Oh, fun fact! When I was trying to find out what language they were speaking, I discovered that the actress who played the woman was also the "and then?" drive-thru voice in Dude, Where's My Car? House turns back to Cuddy and says he's going to bake the gnocchi instead of boiling it because science tells him that that will produce a lighter pasta. Cuddy says that House seems to be doing well, although she's still obviously not sure how to approach him or even where to stand in the kitchen. She ends up as far away from House as possible with her back pressed against the wall. Meanwhile, the other woman wants to know why she's dressed "like a hooker" if she's a woman of God. "I meant the position," House says back. Oh, please. While Cuddy does tend to wear outfits that are entirely unprofessional and show off way too much cleavage, this isn't one of them. Lay off, lady.
Cuddy asks if House can stop the foreign language conversation and talk to her about leaving PPTH. He says his decision is final. Until he comes back. Which we know he will. Cuddy finally steps forward and says she just wants to make sure that she didn't factor into House's decision at all, what with her involvement in his inability to tell reality from fantasy. House says her concern is understandable, and even acknowledges that he hallucinated their night together. Not that he's gotten treatment for that or anything. House assures her that she is not the reason he left PPTH. "I'm gonna miss you," Cuddy says, apparently satisfied. "Either kiss him or leave. We got work to do," the other lady says, this time in perfect English. Cuddy chooses to leave. After all that? Weren't the non-hallucinated parts of their relationship more meaningful than this? I guess House being committed for three months made him a bit less appealing in Cuddy's eyes.
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By Sara M
So now we see why Hadley was so eager to break into Vince's office: to play his new videogame! Taub is the lizard-thing and she's the monkey-thing. She shoots down a few pterodactyls as Taub accuses her of avoiding work to avoid her boyfriend. Hadley thinks it's normal for her to have a problem with being ordered around by someone who was her equal just twenty-four hours ago. Um, Foreman was never your equal, Hadley. He worked for House well before you did and he was brought back on as some sort of second-in-command. Also, it's called a promotion. They happen. Hadley's monkey-thing swings on some hanging wires, and how does the game know that she's making swinging motions with her hands when there aren't any sensors there? The only thing connecting the player with the game world is the gun controller and a helmet with a screen in the visor to watch the action in and a microphone to speak into. There's some kind of lit pad she and Taub are standing on, so maybe that can somehow tell what their bodies are doing and make their characters do them as well. But this looks like a lot of work and expense for just a videogame. I really don't think it's going to do well. Hadley says she's okay with being bossed around by her boss, but when it's her boyfriend essentially ordering her to go to dinner at a certain time and place, she isn't. Taub recommends that Hadley "even the score" by "put[ting] on some heels" and "break[ing] him like a pony." Both Hadley and her monkey-thing counterpart give a Look. Then they're attacked by a giant pterodactyl and its little friends and have to shoot for their video game lives. Hadley stops to admire the wing movement of their enemies, leaving Taub to get eaten alive. She says she's figured out what's wrong with Vince, and leaves the game to tell Foreman. Meanwhile, Taub is on the ground, swinging wildly at the pterodactyls. Awesome. "Little help!" he cries weakly. Seriously, though, if Taub can play this game, then there's no way it's going to be a success. Kids don't like games that are so simple that adults can play them, too. And adults don't like to buy videogames for their kids that cost thousands of dollars.
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By Sara M
Back at PPTH, Taub and Hadley ask Vince if he touched any of the birds he studied to create the pterodactyl's wing movements. Vince says he not only touched the birds, he also dissected them. Not to go all PETA and everything, but should birds really give their lives for more realistic videogames? Especially since we don't even know what pterodactyl wing movements looked like because of how they're all extinct and stuff. Hadley says that's a great way to get psittacosis, but it's hard to pay any attention to her when most of her face is cut off on my TV screen. What the hell is this? Do I now have to buy a wide-screen TV to be able to actually see the characters on this show? Well, sorry -- looking at Olivia Wilde's face just isn't reward enough for that expense. Vince uses his gamer language to ask if psittacosis can cause "joystick" problems. "I'm kinda stuck in play mode," he says. Fortunately, Hadley's face is not mostly off-screen when he says this, so I get to see the expression on it. Taub figures that Vince is just being creepy, but Vince says he's been hard for three hours now and it's starting to hurt. Taub gets a look at the site as one-fifth of Hadley's face says that priapism is not a symptom of psittacosis. So there goes that diagnosis.
Vince's erection was so hardcore that they had to put a surgical shunt in it to drain the blood and calm things down. Ouch. But all Foreman can say about that is that both Hadley and Taub put the shunt in even though the job needed only one of them, thus causing Hadley to miss their dinner. Why should Taub have to stay behind to do the shunt? Just because Hadley has a dinner date with the boss? That's not fair. Foreman sucks at this. Hadley says she's just dedicated to her job and changes the subject back to their patient, both to be passive-aggressive and because talking about dinner dates is not appropriate in the workplace. She thinks it's a brain tumor, while Foreman likes thrombocytosis. Taub just laughs at them for their inability to handle dating and working together before agreeing with Foreman's diagnosis.
Before they can treat Vince, though, Hadley and Foreman must have a talk about their relationship. She finally clues him in as to why she's mad at him, and he asks her to be a little bit more understanding of all the pressure he's under. Hadley says she doesn't really appreciate hearing about "the burdens of command" from someone who got a promotion over her (as if she was ever in the running for that job anyway -- or that it was even open to her. If Foreman hadn't volunteered, Cuddy was going to shut the department down), to which Foreman says he wasn't complaining to his employee -- he was complaining to his girlfriend.
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By Sara M
They quickly change the subject to who the random men in Vince's room are. It turns out that Vince posted his symptoms on the internet and called for any and all doctors to diagnose him. Vince is now officially the smartest patient ever on this show. Of course, if he was really smart, he would have checked himself into a different hospital as soon as they shoved a needle in his spine and his lungs filled with fluid. But still. One doctor speaks up to say that he can cure Vince with a "papaya toxin cleanse" that only costs $395. "Okay, that guy's an idiot. That doesn't mean they all are," Vince immediately says. I love Vince, you guys. The fraction of Foreman's eyeball and his ear that remain on screen tell the doctors to leave PPTH, as neither of them have privileges here. The papaya guy takes off, while the other doctor, a neurologist at "St. Mark's" (wonder if it's anything like St. Sebastian's?), recommends doing an MRI on Vince to check for a brain tumor. Foreman says his diagnosis of thrombocytosis is more likely, but the other doctor points out that Vince's platelets aren't high enough for that and an MRI couldn't hurt but could very much help. Well, maybe at St. Mark's the MRI doesn't hurt. But PPTH has an MRI of DOOOM!!, so it must be used only when absolutely necessary. Vince calls on Hadley to be the tie-breaker. Uh oh! Brain tumor was her diagnosis, too, so she can't bring herself to side solely with Foreman. "I think both theories have merit," she says after a pause. Vince immediately realizes that that's code for "it's totally a brain tumor but I can't just say that because Foreman is my boss and my boyfriend." He demands the MRI.
Early the morning, Wilson shuffles out of his bedroom and finds House alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastically working on a ragu with pork sausage and beef thigh. He offers a spoonful to Wilson to taste, and it just looks like plain old Ragu sauce to me. Wilson thinks it's too early for ragu, but House ignores this and simply pushes the wooden spoon closer to Wilson's mouth. He tries some and asks House if he's getting a wee bit obsessed with the cooking thing. House says he sure is -- he's an addict. He gets addicted to things. And this is a much healthier addiction than Vicodin. He gives Wilson another spoonful to try, this one with star anise and caramelized onions whose sulfur compounds will somehow work together to bring out the meat flavor. He admits that he couldn't sleep because his leg hurt, so he figured he should cook up a storm rather than go out hunting for drugs. Wilson accepts this and tries more ragu. He admits that it tastes amazing. Please tell me that a Hell's Kitchen/House crossover is coming.
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By Sara M
Hadley joins Foreman in the MRI booth. He accuses her of stabbing him in the back in Vince's room by not being fully and immediately supportive of Foreman's diagnosis over the other guy's. Hadley says she shouldn't have had to pretend to support Foreman's at all, but he says that in private, she can argue with him all she wants. In public and in front of a patient, however, the team's opinion is her opinion. He thinks she only did it to get back at him for ordering her to go to dinner with him. Hadley says that Foreman is being an "unbelievable jerk." Foreman doesn't care about that because the MRI is clean and that means she was wrong. "Treat the thrombocytosis," he orders. I don't know who is in the right here. Probably Taub. And Vince. Oh, and Chase for staying out of the matter entirely.
That night, Hadley arrives at Wilson's apartment to talk to House. Really? Of all the people to visit him, she's there before Cameron? Come on. He's not surprised to see her and knows she's there to complain about having to work for Foreman. Hadley pretends that she just wanted to ask him about thrombocytosis. He says he's crazy, not stupid. Is he crazy? Because he hasn't been treated for it. Depression isn't crazy. I would have a much easier time buying this whole storyline if it didn't keep changing. Anyway, House is currently working on something where he cooks the yolk of an unlaid chicken egg (yes, unlaid. You can only get them by cutting open a chicken and taking them out of her ovaries. They have no shell or that white albumin -- just the yolk. Gross, and what's with all the bird dissecting this episode?) and then, using a syringe, removes the yolk and replaces it with the ragu while Hadley drops the consult act and admits to being here because she's having problems with Foreman and his newly-acquired boss role. And House is a good person to talk to about this how, exactly? House calls her a coward, saying that Foreman's fear of failure is justified and her fear of him having control over her is not. "You would be happier if you learned when it's okay to give in," House advises her from experience. Hadley stares at him like aliens have taken over her ex-boss's mind. "What did they do to you in there?" she asks. House shuts her up with an egg yolk on a cracker. She eats it and is shocked that it tastes so good. So good, in fact, that she forgets who she's talking to when she says it "might be the best thing I've ever eaten." "Including what you're thinking of now," she adds. She says he's an amazing cook. Well, not really. Chef Massimo Bottura actually created this dish. House agrees with her, but says it isn't making his leg pain go away. Maybe if he got a cool apron instead of that lame one with the vegetables on it?
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By Sara M
Chase makes an appearance to suggest that Foreman fire Hadley for her non-support, and calls him a wuss when he refuses. He says that if Foreman can't handle Hadley doing her job and challenging him, then he has to either fire her or dump her. Alternately, he can figure out how to separate his work relationship from his personal one.
The morning, Wilson is either just getting home or about to leave for work when he spots House on the couch eating ice cream and watching a The Biggest Loser marathon. Oh, man. Those things are like weekend activity death traps. You sit down to watch an episode or two and the thing you know, it's Sunday night. Wilson is disappointed to see House out of the kitchen and no longer cooking up delicious meals for his roommate. House says he's taking a day off from his obsession. On the TV, Daniel falls off the treadmill and they do that thing where they shake the camera so it looks like the fat guy hitting the ground caused an earthquake. So mean! But I love that stupid show. House says he likes to pretend that the contestants can see him eating forbidden foods. I wonder if that's a common way to watch that show, because I once had to weecap The Biggest Loser and I totally ate shitty food from McDonald's while I did it. Jillian yells about something. Wilson asks how House's leg is feeling. "Fine," House says.
"My leg is killing me," he admits to Nolan. The cooking helped the pain at first, but he got bored with it and the pain came back, even worse now that he's also worried that nothing he does will help and he'll never be happy and he'll go back to the way he was before. Nolan isn't worried, saying that House only tried one thing, so it's a little early to start assuming that nothing will work. And if that does end up being the case, Nolan says, they'll deal with it. In the meantime, House needs to trust Nolan and be patient. It's hard to be patient when you're in pain. Also, House could have gone to anyone to get common sense advice like this. Why pay for a psychiatrist?
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By Sara M
Foreman shows up at Hadley's place early the morning with a donut. "The florist was closed," he explains. She accepts the peace offering. Who wouldn't? Donuts are good. She lets him inside, and they apologize to each other and decide to start over. They make out, not worried about being late for work because Foreman is the boss (so unfair to Taub! I bet he doesn't get to be late for work to have morning quickies!). But as soon as Hadley takes her shirt off, Foreman is paged to PPTH. He is going to need a shunt for that.
Hadley and Foreman find Taub in Vince's room. Vince is searching the internet away for a reason why the lymph nodes in his neck are the size of grapefruits. Foreman says the thrombocytosis diagnosis was wrong. "God, you are a genius," Vince says, still somehow able to speak despite the pelican-esque neck. Don't call Foreman God, Vince. His ego doesn't need it. He says he's going back to the internet for help and this time he's offering a $25,000 reward that is sure to get the good ideas flowing.
House returns to his apartment for what appears to be the first time since he left last season. Is he still paying rent on that place? What a waste. He opens the closet door and finds a bottle of pills hidden in his shoe. I guess we're supposed to hope he doesn't take them, but I'd much rather watch him limping around PPTH than cooking, so I fully support this.
The faxes and phone calls are coming in from around the internet as people rush to submit their ideas for $25,000. Hadley exposits that steroids reduced Vince's swelling, while Taub wants to know how his phone number and personal email have become common knowledge to the diagnosis contest entrants. No one appears to be calling their guesses into Hadley, though. Ha! She sucks. She gets sick of the phone ringing sound effects and pulls the phone line out of the office phone just as Foreman gets an idea.
He heads to Vince's room with a pile of faxes, because that's what the internet-savvy person uses these days: a fax machine. He and the Cottages go through the submissions one-by-one, and discount demon possession way too soon. Foreman tries to make a point that they can't cure Vince if they're too busy going through all these faxes. Vince doesn't care because he collected all the submissions and amyloidosis got the majority vote. "The wisdom of crowds," he says. Obviously, he doesn't watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire when they poll the audience as one of the lifelines. Those people are often dumb. Also, if amyloidosis is the diagnosis, will he have to pay the entire crowd $25,000 each? That sucks. Foreman says they can rule amyloidosis out because there was no spackling on Vince's cardiac ultrasound. Vince points out that there are exceptions to that rule, which Foreman can't deny. He tries to make a deal with Vince: they'll biopsy his kidney for amyloidosis and when it comes back negative, Vince will agree to pull his case off the internet and retract the reward offer. Wow, way to play hardball, Foreman.
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By Sara M
Wilson comes home to find House sorting and folding his laundry. It's about time House earned his keep. House suspects that Wilson is only coming home for lunch to check up on him, which Wilson doesn't deny, just saying that House can talk to him. House says there's nothing to talk about. He's still "fine." He takes the laundry basket into Wilson's room without the use of his cane, singing all the way. Yes, because House always sang and never used a cane when he was on Vicodin before so this truly is cause for Wilson to be suspicious.
Whoops! The biopsy results are back, and they're positive for deposits consistent with amyloidosis. Taub says he's already started Vince on treatment for it and then he quits. What? Noooo! Not Taub! We need him! He's the only bearable person in diagnostics! He says he's been looking around for another job since he learned that House wasn't coming back, and a friend offered him a position at a surgical practice. Foreman gets all high and mighty, saying that he wanted to keep this department open so that Taub could stay employed. Taub says that was clearly not at all in Foreman's self-interest and the fact is that he came to PPTH to work for House. And if House isn't here and he no longer has to worry about that thing he signed agreeing never to practice plastic surgery again, then he might as well get out of here.
In bed that night (do we really have to see them at home? Why?), Hadley tries to console Foreman by saying that Taub is "a jerk" and they'll be just fine without him. Foreman says it doesn't matter, since Cuddy will shut them down when she finds out that the internet solved the case before he did. Hadley knows that the situation totally sucks and tries to make Foreman feel better by taking his mind off of it with a story about a simpler time when she hooked up with her college roommate.
Wilson storms into Cuddy's office with news! "I broke my toilet this morning," he announces. Cuddy considers this before offering to get her tools to fix it. Wilson explains that he broke it to collect some of House's pee to test for the presence of Vicodin. That is a terrible plan! What if House didn't pee, but did something else? And most likely, Wilson's apartment only has one bathroom, so where did Wilson pee? Where will either of them go while they wait for the toilet to get fixed? And is pee contaminated by toilet water really very reliable? As it turns out, the urine tested negative for Vicodin but positive for coming from a Labrador retriever. So House cleverly figured out that Wilson would collect his pee in this manner and took steps to avoid submitting his own urine, but wasn't smart enough not to use pee that could easily be found to be not human?
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By Sara M
Hadley walks into Vince's room to check up on him, but he's nowhere to be found. That's because he's in the lobby, hallucinating that the room is actually part of his videogame. Don't worry, Vince! On this show, hallucinations are no biggie. Everyone will forget about it in like five minutes. In fact, no one in the lobby finds anything strange about the bug-eyed, sweaty patient who is desperately trying to avoid being pecked to death by a pterodactyl only he can see. Foreman happens to walk by and merely frowns at the sight of Vince. Vince sees him as a hazmat suit-wearing bad guy, which looked pretty cool I must say. Vince grabs a soda that he thinks is a grenade and launches it at Foreman. He makes a run for the elevator while Foreman causally wipes the soda off himself, but Hadley is there waiting for him. She walks towards him with her arms outstretched like she's trying to make his hallucination as scary as possible. Both she and Foreman are able to get a hold of Vince and tell him to relax, which makes the hallucinations go away. Except for the one of the giant pterodactyl hanging out in the parking lot. That guy gets to stay. He walks through the wall and enters the lobby, and Vince drops to the ground in fear. "I don't have my blaster!" he says. Foreman finally touches Vince's neck and says he's burning up -- the hallucinations are caused by fever. And that rules out amyloidosis.
After the break, they've stuck Vince in an ice bath to get his temperature down. Hadley urges Foreman to go back and check the internet submissions for ideas, but he says they've been wrong so far and it's just a waste of time. Unlike Foreman and Hadley, who haven't wasted any time with wrong diagnoses at all. Foreman likes something called Light Chain Deposition Disease and asks Hadley if she agrees with his diagnosis. She does. Good thing, too, since Taub isn't around to act as a tie-breaker. Way to quit without giving two weeks notice, by the way, Taub. That's a dick move. Unprofessional. Meanwhile, poor Vince is shivering in the tub and terrified. Foreman tells him about their latest diagnosis that there's no test to confirm and that can only be treated with possibly fatal high-dose chemotherapy. Vince says he trusts his doctor to do what he thinks is best, but Foreman think he's just trying to weasel out of making the decision. I hate making big decisions too, but I'd much rather make them than let some asshole like Foreman decide whether I live or die. Come on, Vince. Foreman says the stakes are high for him here if he fails, but they're even higher for Vince, whose life, Foreman actually acknowledges, is much more important than Foreman's career. Vince sobs out an okay for the treatment.
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By Sara M
Instead of working, Wilson and Cuddy are home with House, their arms folded, lecturing him about being back on Vicodin. House knows exactly what this is about and is very proud to admit that he not only figured out that Wilson messed around with his plumbing to collect and test House's pee for Vicodin, but he also somehow got a random dog to pee in the toilet instead. "You don't know how I did it, or -- more interestingly -- where I peed," he smiles. Actually, I think the dog part is more interesting. House probably just peed outside or in the sink or something. But he doesn't own a dog, and neither does Wilson. How did this happen? And so early in the morning! Cuddy tries to speak up, only for House to ask her why she's even here when he doesn't work for her anymore and he was trying to jerk Wilson around, not her. Seriously, doesn't she have a kid now? Either work or go home to that. Stop wasting time with the possible drug addict. House has the gall to act offended that Wilson would suspect him of using again and secretly test his urine instead of just asking him. Cuddy butts in that House can't really be surprised that his friends have a hard time taking his word for anything. House offers to give Wilson and Cuddy what they want here and now. He dumps whatever he was just drinking out of a mug and unzips to pee in it. Cuddy pretends to cover her eyes (she's totally looking) while Wilson looks away and mutters that House is peeing into a mug his godson made for him. Also, there are pee sound effects! So I guess on this show, people pee into a urinal or toilet soundlessly but into cups and mugs at high volume. House hands the mug of pee over as Cuddy sarcastically thanks Wilson for bringing her here for this. Like she didn't go willingly.
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By Sara M
Speaking of golden showers, Foreman steps out of PPTH's showers to give us a second look at his bare chest in one episode. He opens his locker and stares at his fingertips for a while before taking off with some urgency.
Now dressed, he runs into Vince's room, where Hadley is about to start him on the chemotherapy. He orders her to stop, saying it's not that Light Chain thing after all -- it's Fabry's disease. Oh. That sounds much less cool than the Light Chain disease, which sounded kind of funky and psychedelic. He figured it out when he saw his post-shower wrinkled fingers and remembered that even after sitting in an ice bath for an hour, Vince's fingers were wrinkle-free. He's so proud of himself for coming up with the solution after all, but it turns out that Hadley figured it out before he did, stopped the chemo treatment, and tested and confirmed Fabry's. Way to say that in front of the patient just to make your boss look stupid, Hadley. Vince asks what's going on, and for some reason, Hadley gets to tell him instead of Foreman: the deposits they saw in Vince's kidneys that they assumed were protein deposits from amyloidosis were actually fat deposits, which Fabry's causes to build up in various organs, causing all of Vince's symptoms (including the non-wrinkling fingertips in water) except for the giant lymph nodes, which she ruled out after realizing that they were actually iodine mumps caused by a reaction to the contrast used in the MRI of DOOOM!! Ha! Only two episodes into the season and it is already causing trouble. Nice. Foreman just wants to know how Hadley figured this out before he did. She FINALLY pulls him aside to say that it was one of the internet suggestions, which she looked through even after Foreman told her not to. Foreman walks off in a huff. So much for Vince's life being more important than his career.
Hadley stops by later that day to congratulate Foreman on being made the official head of diagnostics by a very foolish Cuddy. No doubt she was so thrown by the whole House-dog-mug-peeing thing that she would agree to anything. Foreman just sulks, so Hadley apologizes to him for looking at the internet suggestions and asks him how mad he is at her. He says he's pretty mad, but also knows that he shouldn't be, since in the end, Hadley did the right thing and only went behind his back about it because of their relationship. Hadley's optimistic, saying that they just need time to adjust to their new work relationship. Foreman worries that by the time that happens, there will be too many hurt feelings and anger to continue their personal relationship. He thinks they have to choose one or the other. He chooses the relationship. Not over his own job, of course -- over Hadley's. She's fired. Okay, while I'm happy enough to see her go (even though I know there's no way it's permanent), this is really unfair. It's like the opposite of the boss who will only let you keep your job if you sleep with him. Sue, Hadley! Sue! But off-camera, please!
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By Sara M
Nolan is apparently available at all hours and House doesn't have a regular standing appointment with him, so he's meeting him in the dead of night. Weird. He says he "slipped." Nolan thinks he means he took Vicodin, but House whips out a check for $25,000 written out to him from Vince. There's nothing in the memo section of the check, unfortunately. "I solved my old team's case," House says. Ha! That's pretty awesome. And lucrative! House says he was on the verge of taking Vicodin when he saw Vince's diagnosis proposal online and his leg stopped hurting. "Oh," Nolan says simply. House is frustrated, saying that he's not changing his life after all. Nolan admits that he might have been wrong after all -- if solving medical puzzles is what keeps House off Vicodin and lessens the leg pain (even though it never was enough to do that before), then maybe he should go back to it and not avoid it. House says he can go back online and try to solve cases there, but Nolan doesn't want him to be home alone. "Isolation fosters depression," he says. And just how was that research job he encouraged House to get supposed to be any better than sitting home alone in front of a computer? It's not exactly a social line of work. House worries that if he goes back to his old life then he'll go back to being his old self. Nolan acknowledges that it's a possibility, but he's starting to think that it's worse for House not to go back to diagnostic medicine than to go back. Wasn't Nolan the guy who said they shouldn't assume defeat after trying just one thing? And yet, here we are. "Guess we're gonna find out," House says. And after all that, we're almost back to normal in just two episodes!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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