By Montykins
The patient of the week is Wentworth Miller, who plays a mysterious millionaire who just wants to give away everything he owns. He also has a couple of physical ailments going on, but most of the episode consists of people arguing about whether his charitable impulses constitute an actual disease or just the usual nonsensical set of behaviors that drive people on television. Personally, I don't think he's any more crazy than that performance artist from last season, but what the heck. House ends up curing him even though it means he can't milk him for the million dollars he needs to put together a proper team of flunkies.
Speaking of flunkies, his basic team for this episode is composed of Park (from last episode) and Adams (from the prison episode). They have a fairly uninteresting subplot about how Park hates charity and Adams hates not giving things to her to make her twitch. House harasses Thirteen into coming back, but then he lets her leave so she can go live on Mykonos with her girlfriend. I suppose I'm going to have to make some sort of "Isle of Lesbos" joke in the weecap, so watch for that, I guess. Something for everyone to look forward to.
Before we begin the episode proper, let's kick off what will undoubtedly become a running feature: Medical Facts I Got Wrong. As you remember, this is a "weecap," which means it's written in great haste. And I'm not about to check every medical fact that goes by. A lot of the time, I will probably just mention that the doctors spouted some medical jargon without recording any details at all. I figure this is the best way to stay sane, because the alternative would mean going overboard in the other direction by looking up the symptoms of every single thing that comes along to verify that everything is medically plausible. Which it almost certainly isn't.
Anyway: in the last episode, Park was engaged in something I called "the fourth round of kelation." I am informed that I meant "chelation," which is a treatment for metal poisoning. The key is that you have to know what metal is doing the poisoning. Remember how there was talk of both lead poisoning and iron poisoning? Sure you do! Anyway, there you go. "Chelation," not "kelation." Let's see what I get wrong tonight!
So here we go, and... hey, it's Wentworth Miller! He's learning about how to get basic job training. He asks a helpful woman what would happen if he has a history of drug abuse. That's no problem! How about if he needs someone to watch his daughter while he's working or getting an interview? No deal -- child care is his problem. The woman calls him Benjamin as she apologizes for taking a call. Well, it's rude to take a call when you're in the middle of a conversation like that, but I appreciate her finding a way to work in his name. Then she's on the phone with someone named "Oscar," who gets a name even though he's not going to figure into the plot at all. So I guess she just likes calling people by their names a lot. Benjamin leaves and there's an envelope on the ground that says "For Phoenix" on the ground. She hangs up on Oscar because the envelope reveals that the Benjamin Byrd Foundation has left the Phoenix Foundation a cashier's check for one million dollars. I used to know a Phoenix Foundation, but they were three German Magic: The Gathering players. This probably isn't them. Forget I mentioned it. Benjamin has already walked out the door of this job training center.
The woman runs out the door and calls to Benjamin, who's about a block away and not turning around. He's walking away stoically. Then he falls to the ground. She runs to him and rolls him over. "Somebody call an ambulance!"
After the two-second opening title screen, we see House plug in an electric razor and try to remember what "shaving" is. He's got a really long attachment on it, so even with his level of facial stubble it doesn't touch anything. But as he moves up to the top of his head, it's clear that he's planning on saving the cost of a haircut. I guess we're supposed to be shocked that he's shaving his head, but his hair still ends up a couple inches long. I'm impressed with how even he did it; whenever I try to cut my own hair with clippers, I end up missing a patch on the back of my head.
Park is watching skeptically and asks, "Why am I watching you cut your hair?" The answer is that if he were to do this at home, he'd have to clean up after himself, but at the hospital, there are people for that. This is irrelevant and boring. Let's move on to The Case of Wentworth Miller Falling Down. Park pretends it's a boring case, thus piquing House's interest. So she's better at getting him interested after one episode than the old crew was after years and years? She recaps that Benjamin collapsed after a hot day and having no breakfast. House is interested because the patient is rich.
They walk into House's office, where they find Dr. Adams. From the prison, remember? Park doesn't want to hand over the file to her, because it's the only copy. Also, although she doesn't say this out loud, it's because she wants to be the one holding the file. House exposits that he can't afford a team, but Adams is free. Park is "New Girl" and Adams is "Newer Girl." Adams thought she was here for a date with House and refuses to look at the file. Not that Park is handing it over anyway. Adams says she doesn't want to work for free, although she admits that she's been volunteering at free clinics. Park says she doesn't think it's much of a case, suggesting that it's just dehydration. House asks Adams what happened last time a doctor said he was wrong. "I lost my job." House wants to talk about the life that was saved. So he's clearly manipulated Adams into working for him for free. Isn't there some sort of HR process she has to go through to work at the hospital? Or do the HR people just run away screaming whenever they see House coming?
In the patient's room, Adams tells Benjamin that this could be weakening of his heart muscle. Park thinks its dehydration and also suggests that he doesn't need to pretend to be poor when he's giving a million dollars to job-training centers. Benjamin exposits that he's a millionaire who gave away all his money away... and also all his suits. He lives on bare necessities from thrift stores.
Back to House's office. Park says there's clearly neurological damage since Benjamin suddenly changed his behavior and started giving things away. Adams says there's no sign of stroke or brain hemorrhage and also that charity isn't ipso facto evidence of brain damage. Park says he's only got one pair of pants. Adams says he's good, not sick. Park says that's both naïve and sick. She thinks policy is how to change things, not individual charities. She says, with a trace of smugness, "No one gave me a handout. Made me work harder."
Enter Foreman! I put that exclamation point there to try to simulate some sense of excitement. Really he just strolls in without much fanfare. He would like to know what House's evil plan is. House would prefer to pretend he's not scheming. Foreman suggests that House is planning to run a battery of irrelevant tests to make Benjamin think he saved his life, then leverage his gratitude to get his old team back. Ah! So we're supposed to pretend that House has some kind of budget problem that's preventing him from having the usual gaggle of flunkies around him. But that never affects his wild use of the most expensive machines in the whole hospital. House admits that he's planning on milking this convenient charitable millionaire to get his old team back. His current team is kind of sad about that. House says he's talked to Chase and Taub, who are willing to come back. Not Thirteen, though, presumably because he's already got the "hot chick" category filled on this team. Twice over, really, although Charlyne Yi is being forced to scowl a lot to distract us. House suggests some crazy theories about what might be wrong with Benjamin, but Foreman says the dehydration is the cause of all the known physical symptoms. Park suggests "Extreme Altruism" as a new symptom. Foreman points out that if that's a symptom, House can't take Benjamin's money. House says to send Benjamin home, "...and check with admitting for the net worth of all new patients." Aren't most of his patients rich? All this speculative treatment can't be cheap.
In House's office, a surprise guest says, "I'm not coming back, House." Oh, goody. It's Thirteen. Not that I don't like her, you understand. It's just that I've got a tiny amount of face blindness that mostly manifests itself in an inability to recognize Christian Bale and to have trouble distinguish between pretty female doctors when they all act pretty much the same way. So I was kind of hoping that the existence of Dr. Adams meant that Dr. Thirteen wouldn't be around this season. Besides, it seemed kind of appropriate to have a whole new team since this is my first season recapping this show. Anyway, that's why I don't remember her actual last name and am just calling her "Thirteen" like everyone on the show. She says she's not coming back, even though House has called seventeen times. Since he didn't come to her place, she deduces he's got an ankle bracelet. She says she's not a doctor anymore, which lets House speculate on romance and an upcoming move to Thailand. She claims to have met a girl and to be moving to Mykonos. "Please stop calling me." "No. You showed up to tell me you don't wanna hear from me." He describes that as a mixed signal, so he's listening to her actions. Because they tell the story he wants to hear, which is that nobody can live without House in their lives.
At this point, I feel obliged to point out that Thirteen is in love with a woman and is going off to Mykonos, which is a Greek island. You know what else is a Greek island? Lesbos. I don't have it in me to put that together into a really good joke, but I thought I should at least lay the groundwork in case someone else wants to expand on it. There you go. Enjoy.
Benjamin is confused about why they're testing him while also discharging him. Adams says Park is acting from "an abundance of caution." Then she chats with him about charity and how she wishes she could do more. Park looks over and says he makes her feel guilty. Benjamin says his minimum level of charity is just higher than everyone else's. Park says his leg muscles are fine. Just then! Tachycardia! His heart's beating too fast! BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Park tells House what just happened. "There's definitely something wrong with him." House is delighted! Adams shows up with coffee for Park (but not House?) and declines Park's offer of cash. They throw out suggestions, including Whipple's. I enjoy the phrase "He's got Whipple's." House insists that it can't be neurological. Adams brings up some allergy medication he's been taking recently. House goes off to test him himself and makes Adams take the two bucks from Park for the coffee.
In the patient's room, House tells Benjamin all about his sad, sad history and the patients going untreated for lack of resources. Benjamin bites: "How about I help you out?" Benjamin suggests a million dollars earmarked for diagnostics. House points out that he's an ex-con who's transparently angling for cash, but Benjamin doesn't seem to mind.
Wilson's office! (Again, that exclamation point has no business being there, as this is just a perfectly normal scene in a set that we've seen a million times before.) House has a hypothetical about sex addicts offering oral sex. Wilson says no, and has no problem understanding the metaphor involved: "Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best." House makes an excellent rebuttal: "What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people!" It's true, you know. House asks if the rule would apply even if it was only twenty dollars, but Wilson doesn't bite. He rushes out for one of his own patients, and then he comes back in to say, "You can't take the money, House."
Park administers to Benjamin. She offers to make a call, but Benjamin's wife won't take his calls. She left when he started giving away his money. And she took his two little boys, too. He explains his position: "Having a family doesn't exempt me from social responsibility." They talk philosophy, as you do. Park is in favor of family, which she feels is the most important thing. Benjamin feels that as long as the kids have a roof and court-ordered child support, he can't justify video games and private schools while other children are starving. His hands are trembling violently. He asks, quite reasonably, "What's happening?" Park answers, "I'm not sure, but it's not what we thought it was." They say that sort of thing a lot on this show, don't they?
In a coffee shop, which I assume is attached to the hospital somehow, House runs down the symptoms. Park brings Adams a coffee and pushes the case for him being crazy: "He lost his wife and kids because he couldn't stop giving his money away." In other news, Adams isn't drinking the coffee that Park brought her so they'd be even. House suggests that Park is making up for her parents not loving herself enough or something. Then he analyzes Adams as being filled with rich-girl guilt. This somehow leads to the latest hypothesis: "Echovirus." House answers, of course, with, "Irus irus irus...." Anyway! Start him on antivirals! House wants a coffee if this fixes Benjamin's charitable impulses.
Thirteen walks House via phone through some sort of computer interface. She is, in fact, with a young lady. I figured there was at least a chance she was just making stuff up to get House off her back. She admits that House was right, but won't commit to coming back to work for him. He asks what he was right about then, since a key part of what he was saying was that she should come back. She says she was wrong to push him out of her life. House claims everything's gone blue on his screen, which is not a Mac error. All is explained when we see that he's actually watching skateboarding accidents. She says she's coming in and he tells her to go six miles out of her way to pick up Szechuan beef. His ankle bracelet turns out to mostly be a way to get people to do what he wants. Same as everything else, really.
Park is in the locker room. Adams gives her a shoebox and asks her to do her a favor. "You want me to return these? Give them to someone? Wear them while you masturbate?" None of those. She just wants Park to have them. Park accurately notes, "That's not a favor." Adams claims it was a two-for-one sale. Park has a car in the shop and cannot pay her back for a $120 pair of shoes. "The first pair was a hundred and twenty dollars. This pair was free." Park looks annoyed. Well, more annoyed than usual. "You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off?" Adams asks, "Was it Santa?"
Wilson wants to know House's patient's status. It's better. So much better that he's being discharged. Which is good news for Wilson, because Benjamin just signed up to donate a kidney to Wilson's renal-failure patient. House decides he was wrong, and this is evidence of Benjamin's mental state declining. Wilson wants to take the kidney, even though this is inconsistent with his previously stated ethics.
House, Foreman, and Wilson walk down the corridor. House insists that Benjamin is sick. Wilson insists that donating an organ is always fine, no matter what he said yesterday. They get to Benjamin, and Foreman (who's supposed to be in charge, remember?) asks Benjamin why he wants to give away his kidney. He tells House, "I'll give you your money." House takes this as evidence that he was correct. Benjamin uses numbers to prove that he can't value his life at 4000 times more valuable than someone else's. Foreman says House's evidence is weak. "I'm gonna let him be a donor." Benjamin tells House to come back when he's convinced he's healthy, "and I will give you your money." "No you won't."
House tells Park to come up with a new test for Echovirus. She insists on a new diagnosis of Whipple's. But, says House, there's no joint pain. We learn that Adams is off on a job interview because she assumed the case was finished. But when they get to House's office, Thirteen is there. This is exactly the sort of thing I was worried about. If they go around swapping Adams and Thirteen, I'm bound to guess wrong at some point. Park suggests magnesium deficiency. House approves an electrolyte test. Thirteen rejects magnesium deficiency and proposes Whipple's. Park flip-flops and says that there's no joint pain. Thirteen says that joint pain is common but not definite. Plus, it would explain everything and antibiotics would fix it, explaining why Benjamin felt better as soon as he came in. House tells Park, "You were right. But it means nothing if you can't explain it." I like that a lot, actually. It's no good being right by accident. Park goes off and leaves Thirteen and House together. Thirteen says she's going off with the woman she loves. She just wants to be happy. Well, says House, "No one's unhappy in Greece." I have no idea what he's talking about.
House examines a boy's hands. He's actually seeing regular patients! Good for him. The kid's hands don't itch. The key information is that the neighbors have a new pool. The boy is not allergic to chlorine, but his mother's summer lilac hand lotion. It's on the palms of his hands as a result of a neighbor's daughter in the pool. He hands the kid some lube. This was just an irrelevant masturbation-related interlude, I guess?
Park tests stuff with a machine. Endoscopy didn't reveal any lesions on the small intestine. House brings in a gift that Adams left her because Park got her the job interview. Park is very annoyed by this because she hates owing things. House speculates wildly on the cause and ends up on immigrant pride. Park doesn't get that specific in her self-analysis and just says it makes her "feel... icky." Anyway, it's not Whipple's. House shrugs, "Hm. We did what we could."
Benjamin is in surgery about to be put under and have a kidney removed. He's asked, "Are you sure you wanna do this?" Yes: "Relax. This is gonna make me very happy." He goes under. They start on his kidney, and the machines go crazy with the beeping and the pinging. Someone (possibly Wilson? Everyone's wearing surgical masks and there's also all this pinging and beeping going on) says, "Patient's unstable. The surgery's off."
The arrhythmia's back. Park suggests a spider bite. Nope! Adams rejects everything. Foreman comes in so House can gloat at him. Foreman ignores this and says, "You're off the case." He thinks House dosed Benjamin to create false symptoms so he couldn't be discharged. Park says that's idiotic. Foreman says he knows how House works. House says he knows how Foreman thinks. Foreman glares at him and tries out his Boss Voice: "What'd you give him" House pretends to be outraged: "Nothing! And you can't prove otherwise." Foreman declares that House no longer has access to the patient. Foreman leaves. Adams is outraged. House says Foreman is the boss. And also, he was right.
House leans over a railing and throws things at the janitor. What a jerk. Is this the same janitor that had to clean up his hair clippings from the opening scene? I bet he wasn't happy to see House back. Adams speculates that House had a good motive. Somehow. House figures Adams didn't get the job or she wouldn't be back here saying nice things about him. He asks if she's getting Park gifts to get her to like her or to poke at her. She started out wanting to see how deep Park's aversion to accepting charity went, and now she just wants to win. The box had a gift certificate for the spa. House recommends doing something she can't possibly reciprocate. "You gotta push her neuroses to the point where even she thinks she's crazy." House then gets Idea Face.
He takes out his cellphone and says, "One more favor. And then I promise I'll leave you alone forever. Or I'm lying." Anyway, here comes Thirteen. She finds Benjamin's wife, who's here to look at him and verify the kidney thing. "I wanted to spend my life with him. But I need to feel like he loves me more than other people. Like he loves our kids more. Maybe that's selfish. I should go." He turns his head a tiny amount to see her leave. It's all very sad.
Thirteen goes in to see Benjamin. He asks, "Was that my wife?" She ignores this. "Are you the guy? The kidney donor?" He is. He'll try again to give a kidney to the same lady. Thirteen spins a sad story about polycystic kidney disease (as opposed to all the happy stories about polycystic kidney disease, I guess) and Benjamin says he'll just donate both his kidneys and live on dialysis while they take all of his organs. She leaves, looking freaked out. Six feet from the room, in full view of Benjamin, she calls to report that Foreman's going to need a diagnostician. "This guy's ca-razy."
All three of House's Ladies go over the thing as House rushes to get a Charlie's Angels joke out. I could have beaten him to it, but I decided to call them "House's Ladies" instead. In retrospect, Charlie's Angels was the way to go. It's time for more guessing! Porphyria? Acute intermittent porphyria? Isn't that supposed to turn people into vampires? I'm certain I read that somewhere. House goes into the ortho room door and pulls the plug on the cast-cutter before stealing the blade. The person whose cast was being cut off looks dismayed. I'm not sure why they need a special room just for cast removal. House demands more ideas and just gets vacant (albeit attractive) stares. "Well, if there's nothing better than possible, then possible gets upgraded to probable." I wonder how many ways this show has rephrased "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?" Thirteen goes off to try the latest idea. House follows her to poke her about whether she's on the team or what. She goes on about taking people's pain away and bringing people back. She feels guilt about leaving. "I have the skills to help people. Is it okay to walk away from that because I just wanna have fun?" House is probably the wrong person to ask about this sort of thing: "Obviously not."
Wilson's office. No exclamation point this time. House asks Wilson how his patient is. Dead. But Wilson doesn't seem that broken up about it. House says that Thirteen is back. Wilson points out that he conned her into coming back. House recaps all the medical stuff that's happened. "I brought him in here under false pretenses. I ordered a bunch of random tests." Wilson suggests iodine contrasts. "Don't interrupt me." It's a thyroid issue. "He has Plumber's Disease." That, according to the CGI recreation, is a nodule on his thyroid, generating extra hormones and vulnerable to overheating. And then the iodine caused thyrotoxicosis.
Benjamin wakes up with a patch on his neck. He looks at House, who looks skeptical. "Two days. One surgery. I now accept that you're all better." He would like his money. Benjamin is now the one who looks skeptical. "You made me sick." Nope... just much, much worse. He wants his money. Benjamin has decided he loves his family and wants them back. House tells him, "Your altruism was always a symptom." "No it wasn't." House continues poking at him, "I don't wanna give you money because you're an ass." "I was an ass last week." "I love my family. I wanna be with them. It doesn't make me a bad person." "No. It makes you a healthy person." House leaves without his money. Benjamin leaves without his Plumber's Disease.
Adams. Park. Locker room. Park's car has had $4500 in repairs paid for by a mysterious donor. Adams tells her, "Smile and say thank you or I get you GPS." Park scowls and says, "You win. Thank you."
Park leans into House's office. "The car's getting fixed. You're right. She went for it." House offers her a ride, because apparently it was his car that Adams just paid to get fixed. I guess. I didn't really get that, but that's the consensus in the forums, and it does make sense that House would both help Park out and manage to get free car repair. Does this mean his car's been all smashed up the whole time he was in prison? Anyway, Park won't accept the ride home: "I don't take charity. I'm just glad it's over." "Nothing is ever over," says House, ominously
Thirteen kisses her woman in the lobby as the strummy strains of "The Ballad of el Goodo" play. House calls her over and fires her. "I'm not joking. Don't come in tomorrow." He can't work with happy, fulfilled people. She leaves, presumably never to return.
Monty knows it's "Plummer's Disease," not "Plumber's Disease." So that one doesn't count. He left it in there as a trap for people who were planning to email him with medical corrections. Try again! And follow Monty on Twitter at @montykins and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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