Hello. I am covering for Sara M. while she is off doing a differential diagnosis of some lasagna or something. And ennui go: The patient du jour is a crime scene cleaner upper complete with blood puddle and general grossery. Then the guy puts on a suit to meet his wife who thinks he is still in real estate. To celebrate they eat still-moving octopus and then nature wreaks its revenge and he almost dies. Is it the chemicals from his job, illicit Vicodin prescriptions, Boric acid exposure? Duh, no, because those were the first diagnoses. New differential please?
A lumbar puncture is both diagnostic and punitive because the patient is mostly suffering from pants-on-fire-ism. While they are testing for meningitis his feet turn blue. This new symptom allows them to cross meningitis off the list and start testing for a new disease. They restore circulation to his feet just in time for the hallucinations and the accidental domestic violence to start up. Dr. Amber Tamblyn guilts the guy into telling his wife the truth that he lost everything in the economy, including his job, and maxed out the credit cards. She leaves him just as his fever returns and his hearing disappears. To the MRI! And a seizure, kidney failure, a coma, and a death sentence. House sends Dr. Amber to get consent for a Hail Mary round of chemo. During his wife's tearful goodbye, she admits she's pregnant. The team holds one last differential and House finally stares into the middle distance and figures it out. Unfortunately it is too late. The guy is dead. And another single mother is born.
Meanwhile, Cuddy wants House to go to a charity gala because she is getting an award. He agrees, but no one believes him. Typical shenanigans ensue (contrarian bets, Wilson subterfuge, cash money offers) while House pretends he's just being a nice guy supporting his * gag * girlfriend. Then House tries to prove his goodwill by hiring a mariachi band. Wilson thinks it's all a gag to embarrass Cuddy, but she actually wants a mariachi band.
Foreman and Taub are the crankiest roommates this side of Bert and Ernie. Taub wants to be BFFs, but he totally ruins his chances by giving Foreman food poisoning. But the couple that gets the trots together stays together. They make up just in time to all go to the charity event together. Know who's not there? House. He has a sad and just can't go. Wilson tries to talk some sense into him, but House insists on going to talk to Cuddy, because he has realized that when he is in love and happy, he is a worse doctor. But he has come to the conclusion that she's worth it! He chooses her! He loves her! And her vagina. What a lucky, lucky woman.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is increasingly less interested in having House be her personal physician. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Hello and welcome to your recap of House, M.D.. In all my years of writing for Television Without Pity, not once have I covered this show, so I am all kinds of excited to get my grubby little mitts on the delightful Hugh Laurie and the much less delightful Foreman, but I am much less excited to get my hands on the national nightmare that is Huddy. In fact, I think we should lock the two of them in an oversized hamster ball and send them down the front stairs. I've been saving up years of medical puns and House-related witticisms, so let's get started, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian, I just talk like one.)
You know how at the beginning of every episode of House, M.D. you wonder which of the people populating the screen is going to drop almost dead of mystery non-Lupus causes? Well in this episode you don't need to wonder, because the person is ALREADY DEAD. There are bloody handprints on the door, splatters and viscera on the walls, and puddles of blood just ruining an otherwise lovely hardwood floor that the realtor is now going to have to try and market to the unwitting new buyers as "patinated".
But we're getting ahead of ourselves because this house is nowhere near market ready. Instead we just have a lowly employee of Sunshine Cleaning swabbing the floor to rid the house of its gruesome... er, indoor pool. (I should definitely go into real estate listing writing.) Hey show: Gross. I mean you expect to see this stuff on a medical show, I guess, but still blood clots on a throw rug are pretty much gnarly.
Just when you think they are going to slap a "24 Hours Earlier" banner up and rewind the day, the cleaner pauses a moment and stretches and we see in his eyes that he is most likely our Patient Du Jour. His phone rings and he goes to answer (removing his revolting gloves, natch) and then proceeds to completely lie to his wife. Seems she thinks he works in some sort of white collar profession with contracts and pens and conference calls, not just puddles of gross and the lonely dead souls who watch him work. Now that we know he is a liar, it is doubly clear that he will be the Patient Du Jour as the lying patient is a leitmotif (I'm undoubtedly misusing the word, but if I didn't clarify that I would probably have sounded smart for a second there) of this show. He hangs up and makes some snarly small talk with the cop who is drinking coffee and watching him work and making sure he doesn't steal anything.
Then the Patient Du Jour cleans himself up and heads to a swanky sushi place to meet his wife. He's wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase to complete the dirty dirty lie he is living. His oblivious wife has ordered some still writhing octopus arms for the table and while she claims it was a mistake, the guy dives right on in. He spent three hours on his hands and knees cleaning up bodily fluids (not the good kind), three gallons of blood and some grey matter to afford this food, so he certainly isn't going to waste it just because it was recently forcibly evicted from its former place of residence. I would think cleaning up body parts for a living would be a sure fire way to make someone a vegetarian for life. And not one of those candyass vegetarians who eat some fish, but hardcore vegan. On second thought the octopus might be CGI just so the network won't get PETA prank calls and also because filming a guy eating a wriggling octopus arm is probably challenging and may violate some SAG rules of disgustingness. The guy swallows the thing while his wife squeals in disgust (no wonder he lied about his day job) and then he toasts to their three years of marriage and then he collapses. Maybe he's allergic to CGI?
Princeton-Plainsboro hospital is filled with the tap tap tap of Cuddy's heels as she walks rapidly while reading a file, which probably violates some health and safety code. But she's the boss! House sees her and willfully ignores her, because he's a dick and they are annoying together. She suddenly realizes that her boyfriend just walked right by her and didn't say anything so she turns and runs towards the elevator. He doesn't try and hold the door, of course, but lets it close in her face. He is the best, right? She ducks into the one to follow him upstairs instead of storming off in hatred and unfriending him on Facebook that very second. She gets upstairs and HE IS HIDING FROM HER. I mean, I know he's not mature, but for the love of god. Instead, this reasonably sane, incredibly smart woman stalks him until she has him cornered. She is assuming he is hiding from her because of a charity gala she wants him to attend. He pretends he is not going, and when she gets mad he explains that he RSVPd two days ago HAHAHAHA. She doesn't get it. (Sister, you are not alone.) House laughs that he is not a total ass and claims all the hiding and taunting was simply foreplay. Come bedtime does he suck his thumb and cry? I mean, grow up. And Cuddy! Stop dating that.
In case you forgot, Foreman and Taub are roomies now, but it may not be for long as Taub has gone and done the unthinkable and borrowed a tie without asking. Obviously House thinks this is High Comedy, but Foreman is not amused. But, really, when is Foreman ever amused? House starts the differential by asking his gathered team how someone can have an allergic reaction to something when they test negative for all known allergens. Chase supposes it could be something environmental in his office, which causes the adorable Amber Tamblyn to blurt out that the patient is lying. House looks SO proud when she says that. She explains that the patient's hands are covered in calluses meaning that he works with them a lot and his wife lives in a lalaland of Coach statement bags and once-a-week mani-pedis. House gives her a hug and tells her to go find out what the guy really does for a living. She's a bit apprehensive about confronting a patient about his dirty lies so Chase goes with her.
The guy won't 'fess up to his double life while his wife is in the room, but the guy's wife won't leave until Chase tells her they are going to ask a lot of questions about poop. Nothing like poop to clear a room, I always say. (That's probably why I don't get invited to many parties. Confused emoticon face.) The second the wife is gone, the guy explains that due to the economic downturn and the failing housing market, he lost his entire real estate office. Now he works as a crime scene janitor. Don't get too down, Patient Du Jour! Clearly there is a screenplay in there dying to come out. As the guy lists the types of janitorial jobs he does --crime scenes, septic tanks -- Amber and Chase exchange a Holy Shit! look because it is the Holy Grail of medical revoltingness.
The doctors report to House that it could be bacterial, fungal, or viral. Thanks for narrowing that down, guys! House sends half of them to start testing antibiotics and the other half to the old office where the guy hangs out during the day when he's not scrubbing up human chum. He heads to the cafeteria where he runs into Wilson who does not believe that he is going to the charity gala just to be supportive for Cuddy. House tosses off some nasties about Wilson's failed track record when it comes to relationships and then Wilson stakes a hundred bucks that House won't show. It takes about two seconds for House to deduce that Cuddy put him up to it. Wilson claims Cuddy really wants him to come, but since she is dating a jackass she has to get his best friend to bet him that he won't go. Cuddy's friends must have permanent hand prints on their foreheads from all the face-palming.
Taub and Foreman explore the patient's office and quickly find both an illicit bottle of Vicodin and a closet full of Boric Acid. I have no idea why that would be in an old real estate office, but as I have failed to achieve the American dream of home ow
nership, what do I know of the goings on in real estate offices? Back at the hospital Chase and Amber report to the patient that Boric Acid poisoning is a thing and he has it. But as they deliver the diagnosis, his fever spikes and permanent brain damage is nigh. Back to the diagnostic drawing board, methinks.House surveys the damage that his team did or did not do. Clearly boric acid poisoning was a stupid STUPID! suggestion and Foreman and Taub should commit seppuku. What are some other options? Foreman tentatively mentions the Vicodin. House demands that he hand it over so he can... um, check that it is really Vicodin? The three doctors who lived through The House Addiction Years (soon to be a spin off web series; also available on DVD and Blu Ray, as soon as they straighten out their trademark issues with This Old House) are more than a little skeptical about this. Foreman takes a leap of faith and tosses House the bottle. He takes a pill, smells it, licks it, but doesn't berate it or mock it, so you know this isn't foreplay and then puts the pill back in the bottle and announces that the Vicodin is real. Which is too bad for the patient because they still don't have a diagnosis. I hope House throws away that bottle of Vicodin, not only because of the god awful storyline that would ensue if he started using again, but also because he licked one and ew.
Foreman suggests they start with just the antibiotics and House throws in a lumbar puncture for kicks. Lumbar punctures are great punitive measures against lying liars who lie because you can pretend they are also medically necessary. Dr. Amber has put on her glittery Moral Majority baby tee for the occasion. While she prepares to stab him in the spine with a giant needle, she takes a moment to tsk tsk him and asks him what else he is lying about? Like, nice bedside manner, Dr. Downer. The guy tries to explain that he took the Vicodin because all the manual labor was making him sore and he couldn't explain it to his wife. It's not his fault that the recession robbed him of all his earnings, investments, and credit card balances. It's Obama's fault! Then he asks his doctors if they ever made a relationship mistake that they regretted. Chase nods mournfully. This conversation seems highly unrealistic. I mean am I supposed to be talking to my doctors about my credit card balances and balloon payments? If so, I've been doing it wrong.
House goes to talk to his bestie, Wilson, about how unfair it is that Cuddy only gets a plaque for all her years of hard work. Well, a plaque plus bi-monthly paychecks, benefits, 401K contribution, flex time, and all the office supplies she can take home in her purse. House decides that he is going to make the celebration more fun and exciting so Cuddy will remember the night forever. That sounds promising. Wilson does not approve of this plan, because he is convinced that House is in the Shel Silverstein break the dishes so you don't have to wash them camp and is going to ruin the evening for Cuddy so he will never have to attend another function with her. House is shocked and appalled that Wilson thinks he would do something like that to his beloved girlfriend. Can we call a Code Blue on this storyline already?
Back in the lab, the team are all staring into microscopes and mocking each other. Taub and Foreman bicker about whether they should eat dinner together or whether eating together for every meal crosses the line between roommates to life partners.
Meanwhile Dr. Amber is harassing Chase about his misogyny and how he finds meaning in meaningless relationships. This rant apparently stems from the fact that she is a woman and Chase disagrees with her about how she is constantly berating their patient because he lied to his wife about his job. I guess I am a misogynist too, because I disagree with her need to badger a guy on his almost deathbed. Just when their argument is getting "good" Foreman interrupts with the conclusion that it is not meningococcemia. Interestingly (or not!), my spell check didn't highlight that word as misspelled, but it may have been stunned into silence. Everyone's pagers go off and they rush to the patient's bedside. Before Dr. Amber can even start yelling at him they discover that his feet have turned blue. Have they checked to see if he is fucking Smurfette?
The team gives House their update on the patient, but he is not especially interested. In fact, he would rather know whether they are going to the charity gala. He thinks they should all go and show Cuddy their support. Foreman mouths off about his suspicion that House is going to do something to humiliate Cuddy, but House swears he is serious. Then he tells everyone to be at the gala or work Genital Herpes Awareness Day at the clinic. Are there going to be free samples?
In the locker room, Taub annoys Foreman with his bromantic overtures. Foreman tells him as much, too, but Taub wins the round by mournfully reporting that Rachel is dating her once only online romance. (If there was ever any doubt that Taub was raised by a Jewish mother, let it be forever banished!) Foreman caves under that mountain of guilt and tells Taub that they can get dinner together. Taub clicks his heels together in glee and runs home to cook for his new BFF.
Later they are enjoying a delightfully mannish evening at home, eating dinner in front of the television and playing first person shooter video games, when the cycle of violence comes full circle and the honeymoon period abruptly ends. Foreman is yelling at Taub and the vein in his forehead is bulging. Just when you think Taub should maybe go to a shelter or something, Foreman tips over in agony and announces that Taub poisoned him. Battered Roommate Syndrome! No jury in the world would convict you! Foreman runs for the bathroom as Taub points out that they ate the same food. Then Taub winces and runs and you start to really fervently hope that they live in a two-bed, two-bath apartment.
Speaking of bathrooms, the Patient Du Jour has locked himself in his and no amount of pleading and increasingly frantic knocking by his wife will convince him to open it. Chase and Amber come to her rescue, but the patient will not open the door. His wife reports that he hit her and the team starts knocking louder. Inside the bathroom, the patient is having hallucinations. Which is still not an excuse for domestic violence.
Obviously the patient's psychotic break means it is back to the drawing board for our crack team of medical detectives. Foreman thinks that they caused this new symptom, but he can't get his full opinion out because of the continuing case of the trots. He barrels out of the room with Taub hot on his heels. With half his team in the closest can, House has no choice (except, of course, EVERY OTHER CHOICE IN THE WORLD) but to bring the rest of the team into the commode so they can continue their differential diagnosis. Taub and Foreman are not amused and neither are their stunt butt doubles. Chase and Dr. Amber (who is probably fantasizing about preparing a hostile work environment lawsuit right about now) cover their noses while House forces Taub and Foreman to think and poop simultaneously, which I'm pretty sure is unconstitutional. After a few minutes of uncomfortable (for some more than others) conversation, House orders that the patient and his wife be put on anti-fungal medicine. Also, Foreman hates Taub.
Back at the patient's bedside, Dr. Amber is getting her bitchface on and making the guy feel even worse than a guy on his deathbed already feels by continuing to berate him about lying to his wife about his job. Chase cuts her off and reminds her that the guy's personal life is not medically relevant right now. The guy's wife comes in sporting celebrity sunglasses to cover her shiner. He starts to apologize profusely while Amber makes tsk tsk noises to herself. Chase tells the wife that they are treating him for a systemic fungal infection, but his wife doesn't buy it and starts asking hard to answer questions about why no one else at "the office" has the same infection. Chase tries to shrug it off, but Dr. Amber's death ray glare convinces the patient that he needs to tell his wife The Truth.
In equally annoying but entirely different storylines, Wilson is talking to a patient when the brassy sounds of a mariachi band interrupt his conversation. Obviously it is House
auditioning some light entertainment for Cuddy's Evening to Remember (which I think was the theme of my prom). Wilson points out that if House goes through with this plan he will end up spending the evening alone at home with a sock. (Um, ew.) House swears that the band is great and Cuddy will love it.Back in the medical mystery side of things, Chase and Dr. Amber (who is dressed like a naughty school girl but with a doctor's coat to ruin the mood) watch their patient tell his wife that he is a lying liar who lies. Oh and also they are broke. Like, really really broke. Strangely the wife is not super thrilled about this or the fact the gawking doctors knew about her completely screwed up life well before she did. She asks them to deliver a message to him since they are on such close terms: She's leaving him. Also, his fever is back, NOT THAT SHE CARES. The doctors go to check on him and find the situation is worse than they suspected: The guy doesn't have insurance either! Also, he's gone deaf. Before or after his wife yelled at him? This new symptom has the doctors stumped. Is his imaginary Vicodin addiction causing hearing loss? No because it never reached oti-toxic levels. (Now kids, remember that word for the SATs, mmmkay?) So what could it be? I know, how about some more tests? As the team breaks from its huddle, Taub tells Foreman he is moving out. Their friendship is too important to him. Foreman shrugs and tells him to make sure he gets his keys back, because he won't be able to ask him that question every day when he sees him at work.
Meanwhile in uninteresting plotlines, Wilson and Cuddy sit down to what I believe is Wilson's second lunch. They have a lot to discuss: will House ruin the gala? Will House not ruin the gala? And then those same two questions a few more times with the words in different order. Wilson scoffs as he pointedly suggests that House could do something so awful as to hire a mariachi band to crash the event. Cuddy laughs that she actually could get behind that evil scheme, because she tried to hire a mariachi band last year, but the board said it was too expensive. Was the theme of the gala "Old Acapulco"? Because that was the theme of my junior high prom. Wilson looks thoughtful as the plot thickens.
Over at ye old MRI machine, Amber writes notes to their newly-deaf patient, including one that pretends that his wife is on her way. Chase chastises her for lying to the patient and that whole pot-kettle-pants-on-fire thing. Amber reminds Chase that she is not actually married to the guy. Speaking of the guy, he is having a seizure. Based on this show, I can only assume that MRIs cause seizures. I mean, right? It's like an Easy Bake oven of symptoms: An ailing patient goes in and two minutes later comes out seizing or heart attacking or brain exploding. The guy is on a ventilator as all the doctors stand around and scratch their heads. His kidneys are now "fried", which I guess is the technical term, and he is in a coma. Note to self: Do not go in MRI machine. He's not viable for a transplant. Whatever is wrong with him now, he wouldn't survive the surgery to fix it... and he only has a few days to live. House stares at the patient for a while and decides that the guy obviously ate a brain tumor for breakfast and they should zap his head with radiation and start him on chemo. It's a Hail Mary pass because they have no idea what's really wrong with the guy, but he is close enough to dying that it really doesn't matter now and they can just throw a plate of medical spaghetti at him to see what sticks. Mmm spaghetti. Someone mentions that they will need the wife's consent for the chemo and House nominates Dr. Amber even though the wife hates her for some reason that is probably related to her husband revealing his double life to her first which CLEARLY means they are also having an illicit affair and he maxed out their credit cards buying her lingerie to wear under her naughty school girl outfit.
Dr. Amber is having a low self esteem moment and no amount of yogurt eating with friends or laughing alone with salad will cheer her up. Know what she needs? Some positive reinforcement from an attractive older male. She explains to Chase that she has a sad, because she gave up friends and a social life for a career because girls with brains can't have friends because all the other less smart women want to talk about is tanning sprays and fat free muffins and then they sing songs into their hairbrushes. She just can't relate and is pretty sure they are intimidated by her Very Big Brain. Women all hate other women! End of story. Amber is also sad because she can't find a date to bring to the charity gala a.k.a. a work party. Chase ignores that part and tells her to be nice to the patient's wife, which he realizes is a challenge what with them both being women and all. Chase recommends that if there is a choice between brutal honesty or offering her a touch of hope, she should choose hope. Now, why couldn't her Very Big Brain tell her that?
Amber goes to talk to the wife. She explains that he is in a coma and might have a brain tumor and he may die, but there is still hope. The woman wants to talk to her husband and while Amber really REALLY wants to tell her that her husband has gone deaf, she doesn't. She's nice like that. The woman goes to sit by her husband's bedside. She apologizes for saying all those awful things to him, she loves him, and didn't mean it when she said she was mad at him for lying to her, going to a fake job every day, taking out a double mortgage on the house, and maxing out all their credit cards and never telling her the truth. She's not mad at him for that at all. Besides, she didn't tell him something important too: She's pregnant! He's going to be a dad! Contrary to what we normally see on television after such a tearful confession/blessed event, he doesn't suddenly blink and smile and wake. Probably because he's deaf. Otherwise that totally would have happened. Dr. Amber almost has an aneurysm watching this woman whisper in the ear of her deaf husband.
House stares at the long list of symptoms plaguing his patient: fever, swollen joints, rash, conjunctivitis, hearing loss, kidney failure. There must be a connection between the reoccurrence of the rash and the rest of the symptoms. What did they do to cause the rash to flare up again? Everyone tosses ideas around into a great big salad of diseases. Then House stares into the middle distance and you know he's got it, by Jove. House blurts, "Caps," which I assume is an acronym for whatever obscure genetic disorder the guy has. Something about cold-induced auto inflammatory syndrome, it's super rare so you probably don't have it. Probably. Foreman points out that it is extraordinarily rare, but House shrugs, because super rare happens on a show that has to come up with new strange diseases every single week. He tells the team to fill the guy up with whatever drug fixes this genetic disorder and the guy will live a long and healthy life lying to his wife and child and digging his way out of debt. Good luck with that! The team heads downstairs to fix the guy up, but... it's too late! The guy is coding and no amount of medical intervention will prevent the slow sad song from swelling up as the doctors struggle to revive him and the wife cries in the corner. I can't believe I got to recap a show where the patient actually dies. Talk about a rare occurrence! Oh, the honor and the privilege. No one is happy except me right now.
House is sitting alone in his darkened office looking gloomy when Wilson stops by to try and cheer him up. House claims he is okay, shit happens, he did his job, just, you know, not in time. Wilson apologizes for assuming the worst about House and the gala. He had no idea Cuddy (or anyone really) actually liked mariachi music. He is impressed with House and was wrong to have thought poorly of his relationship skills. He turns to go, recommending House scamper along home to change because the party is in a few hours. House looks pensive as Wilson leaves.
In the locker room, Taub and Foreman are already in their Sunday best when Foreman breaks down and allows Taub to stay in the apartment if he wants. They both admit they were wrong, but they don't hug or anything because that would be weird. Dr. Amber is waiting for them outside so she can hitch a ride to the gala. Chase, looking dapper in his tux, loiters too. He is dateless tonight all because of Amber's cutting remarks. She mentally cockblocked him or something, but he looks almost appreciative. The four doctors head out to the party, hoping to arrive in time to see the looks on the Board members' faces when House's mariachi band arrives.
Speaking of mariachi, House is listening to some delightful music as he sits alone in a bar. Did you not see this coming? I am going to pretend that we all saw this coming, because it makes me feel better about the education system in this country. House's phone is buzzing and buzzing as he drinks whiskey alone. Wilson finds him, because Wilson embedded a tracking device on his cane years ago. House is mourning the loss of his patient, actually all his lost patients over the years. Wilson listens patiently and points out that House did his best to save this patient and all the patients. He gently reminds him that losing patients is part of being a doctor. House won't hear it though, and instead is focusing on how he is a wretched human being and a worse doctor and he doesn't deserve to be happy. Instead of slapping him silly, Wilson contains himself to rolling his eyes profusely at this self-indulgent wanky comment. He tells House that Cuddy is worried and hurt. House throws some money on the bar and insists on going to tell Cuddy the truth that very moment. Wilson implores him not to, but he goes anyway.
Cut to Cuddy's front door. She is in her pajamas and going to answer the persistent knocking. She coldly tells House that he is drunk and he screwed up big time, but she lets him in anyway and sits while he begins his lecture. He announces that being happy and being in love with her make him a crappy doctor. Wisely Cuddy tells him to shut up, but, of course, he doesn't. He continues his proclamation that he knows she has made him a worse doctor and people are going to die because of it and it is entirely her fault, but you know what? SHE'S WORTH IT. Has someone been watching L'oreal commercials again? Cuddy looks almost bemused at the idea that people will die because of their love, when the correct response would be complete horror. People are going to die just so House can love her? No thank you. Time to cross Princeton Plainsboro off your list and see what other hospitals are in your Preferred Provider Network. But instead of shivering at the thought, she almost smiles as House collapses on the couch to her. He loves her and that's all that matters. He chooses her! He puts his head on her lap and then announces that his head is on her vagina. She instructs him to go to sleep. Yeah, Cuddy, you're worth it. But is he? And with that I go back to not recapping this show. Quite happy about that right now.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is increasingly less interested in having House be her personal physician. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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