A Princeton almost-grad's body starts shocking itself. New motorcycle (complete with special cane-holder!) and hot leather jacket owner House takes the case and, after sifting through the patient's lie to his dad (he spent Spring Break with his rich friends in Jamaica instead of working in his dad's junkyard), the dad's lie to the patient (his mother was not killed by a drunk driver, but in a car accident she caused herself, probably by falling asleep at the wheel), and an unpleasant visual of the patient losing control of his sphincter, House determines that the patient has pesticide poisoning from all the pesticide-coated weed he smoked in Jamaica. He's wrong, of course, and the kid gets worse. When one of his Jamaica traveling partners develops a rash on his groin and vomits blood all over the place, House figures out that the early graduation gift the dad gave his son -- a keychain made out of a piece of metal from his junkyard -- is the radioactive culprit. The dad and his son's friend will survive their exposure, but the kid is a goner. After forgiving his dad for lying about his mom's death, the kid asks him what's wrong with him, and the dad...totally lies and tells the kid he'll be fine. Way to learn, there, Dad. Plus, House's parents are in town for a few hours, and he tries every trick in the book to avoid them, but Cameron, Wilson, and Cuddy combine to thwart his every attempt. House treats his parents to dinner in the hospital cafeteria alone after Cameron finally figures out that House's relationship with his parents is none of her business. Later, he tells her that he likes his mother, but hates his dad because his dad never lies. So, basically, we learn that fathers shouldn't lie to their sons, and then that they should. How confusing! I'm glad I'm a daughter.
A father and son walk out of a building that appears to be decorated for the upcoming Christmas season. Dad is thrilled, because he just paid his last Princeton bill. Son is thrilled that he graduated. Dad says he's really proud of his son, and he knows Son's dead mother would have been, too. They hug, and Dad tells Son not to drink too much tonight. Son says that won't be a problem; he's had enough alcohol in the last week to last him another four years. Dad's like, "Good. Wait, not really."
Cut the son being a total liar and chugging beer at a frat party while Korn's cover of "Word Up" plays in the background. That song would make me want to drink a lot, too. The son, named Carnell, finishes his beer, making his team the apparent winners of whatever drinking game you play on a ping-pong table that isn't Beer Pong. Carnell ebulliently embraces his friend and calls him "the man." "Tell me something I don't know!" "the man" says. Puh-leeze; if he really was "the man," he would have responded with something much cooler. Suddenly, electricity sound effects play and Carnell shakes and yells at his friend for shocking him. His friend denies it, and Carnell is shocked again. He yells that whoever is doing this to him had better stop right now, and then the Magic School Bus Cam travels down his lightning-filled spine, making it apparent that Carnell is shocking himself. I didn't even know the human body could do that.
Post-credits, Wilson checks out Carnell, who is still shocking himself, as the dad stands around, looking concerned.
Then Wilson's at the whiteboard, writing Carnell's symptoms on it. Cameron and Chase observe, looking very confused as to why Wilson is writing on the whiteboard and not their boss, or because Wilson's handwriting is illegible. Sensible Foreman has given up on Wilson's handwriting and is reading Carnell's file. As Wilson rules out MS as Carnell's problem, House strolls in, wearing a hot new leather jacket. He bids the team a good morning, and Foreman mutters that it's almost time for lunch. How does House still have a job? Honestly. Meanwhile, Cameron just wants to know what's up with House's new jacket. "It keeps me warm AND cool," House responds with a Fonztastic flip of his slightly-less-than-Fonztastic hair. Wilson gets down to the business of House's newest patient, whom House has only found out about now. House reluctantly agrees to take the case, however, because he owes Wilson after borrowing $5000 from him the night before. Cameron interrupts the work-related chatter to ask House why he needed that much money. Cameron really needs to learn that there's a time and a place for questions about new jackets and money troubles, and it's not in the middle of discussing a new case. Chase answers for House that it was either a bad night of poker or a good night with a hooker. House thanks Chase for making the joke for him, and Chase beams with approval and feels all twinkly inside. House instadiagnoses Carnell with a nitrous oxide overdose thanks to too much college partying, but Wilson says they've already treated him for that and ruled out everything else that could have caused the shocks. House notes that one of Carnell's symptoms, his low white count, could be caused by the fact that he's "black," which House assumes means Carnell's "not just really dirty but is of African descent." And black people naturally have a lower white count. Wilson says it's not that low. Why hasn't Foreman killed his boss yet? "Not just really dirty"? Come on! With all diagnosis options exhausted, House orders the Cottages to figure out what's missing. Foreman asks what that's supposed to mean. House tells them to figure it out. He'll be at lunch.
Cameron asks Carnell about any prior recreational drug use. Carnell doesn't want to answer with his dad in the room, but Dad assures him that, at this point, Carnell's drug use is the least of his worries. Carnell admits that he tried ecstasy "at Christmas," which is either almost a year ago or just happened, judging by those Christmas decorations we saw before. Or maybe whoever owns that building loves Christmas so much that he leaves those decorations up year-round. It would explain why Carnell and all his friends are graduating in the middle of the school year. Before Carnell can elaborate on how amazing his dorm carpeting felt while he was rolling, he is shocked again.
Foreman's latest test shows that Carnell doesn't have lupus, which they already knew. Chase thinks Foreman should be concentrating on getting new information about their patient like House told them to, not doing the same tests over again. Meanwhile, Chase appears to be doing nothing but watching Foreman work, so...whatever, Chase. You could at least be spending this free time getting a haircut. Cameron walks up and says she got a more detailed family history that didn't show anything significant about Carnell's medical condition, although she did find out that Carnell's maternal grandfather served in an "all-black tank battalion under Patton." "Fascinating" is Foreman's sarcastic response, but I'm guessing he's just mad that House is giving them riddles to solve instead of a way to treat their dying patient, because that stuff about the tank battalion under Patton is pretty awesome. I want to know more, but this is a medical show on Fox, not a military history show on the History Channel, despite R. Lee Ermey's appearance later on (spoiler!). Foreman still thinks they're dealing with MS, despite the fact that the MRI ruled it out (since as we all know, MRIs are totally useless. And dangerous). Foreman explains the low white count by saying that Carnell is an alcoholic, as evidenced by the 2.0 blood alcohol content he was sporting when he was admitted to the ER. Cameron protests that Carnell was just doing some pre-graduation partying, not like she'd know anything about that, since I'm guessing Cameron's college experience involved absolutely nothing illicit or fun whatsoever.
"Wow, this...this is perfect," Wilson says. He's looking at a bright orange crotch rocket of a motorcycle, not unlike the one House test drove a few episodes ago. Out of nowhere, House asks Wilson to invite him out to dinner. Wilson says they just had dinner together the night, and that it led to his loaning House five grand and House using it to buy this. I hope that, at some point during that transaction, Wilson asked him why a famous doctor can't afford a motorcycle, especially one made cheaper by the fact that it was involved in an accident with its owner. Wilson orders House to take the cycle back, since "two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts." Neither do alcohol and Vicodin, but that's never stopped House before, so I doubt this will stop him now. House promises to pay for dinner this time, as opposed to all those other times when you know he stuck Wilson with the check.
The Cottages stroll up, and Suck-Up Chase is, of course, the first person to compliment House's new wheels. Practical Cameron wants to know where House's cane goes while he's riding. House's second answer to that question (the first, of course, being a lewd suggestion) is to put his cane in a snazzy little cane-holder on the side of his bike. Awesome. Even More Practical Foreman just wants to discuss their patient, but House immaturely revs his bike every time Foreman tries to speak, drowning out his voice. Seriously, why hasn't Foreman killed him yet? Finally, Foreman gets a chance to talk, and simply says that they're out of options. House suggests checking the police reports from Carnell's mother's red herring...I mean, "fatal car accident." He thinks it's a little odd that she drove off the road in broad daylight, especially considering that her of kin is now experiencing sudden incapacitating shocks. Could it be...type two neurofibromatosis? A DNA analysis of chromosome twenty-two will confirm his suspicions. The Cottages leave to do that, and House once again asks Wilson out, assuring him that it'll be much more fun than dinner with Wilson's wife, who isn't speaking to him right now. "Unlike her, I can make it worth your while," House says. Wilson finally accepts the invitation on the conditions that he drives and he gets to make sure House has the money to pay for dinner before they leave. Love is in the air!
Foreman and Cameron explain House's NF2 theory to Carnell and his dad as Foreman swabs Carnell's cheek to get his DNA. Dad is skeptical, since neither he nor his wife had this hereditary disease. Cameron asks whether either of them noticed "nodules in the iris," as if people do monthly iris checks like women do breast self-exams. Well, maybe Cameron does. She says they think NF2 might have caused Carnell's mother's car accident, which Carnell immediately has a problem with, since he was told his mother was killed by a drunk driver. "That's not what the police report indicated," Foreman says, managing to be even more clueless right now than Cameron. Dad has to admit that he totally made up that drunk driver story to scare his son out of driving drunk. Understandably, Carnell is really pissed. Actually, he's more "pooped" than "pissed," as Foreman, sniffing the air, pulls Carnell's sheet up to reveal a nice brown stain coming from his pelvic region. Well, that's great. I guess I can cross "shit puddle" off my list of "things I never thought I'd be subjected to while recapping a non-HBO show." That, and "the Colonel discussing his droopy wood." So thanks for that, House. Carnell says he didn't feel this happen. Foreman checks, and Carnell still has feeling in his toes. Just not, apparently, his ass. I just want to know what's wrong with Cameron that, when asked, she said she didn't smell anything. This is the second time in two weeks she's denied smelling something poopy. Either she's just being really tactful, or something is wrong with the poop-smell receptors in her nose. I think we should be told.
"Sphincter Paralysis" is the newest symptom on the whiteboard, where we also see that Wilson's crappy handwriting has been erased and replaced with House's neater style. Foreman thinks they're looking at Miller Fisher's syndrome, which has the unique distraction of being the first disease on this show that is spelled just like it sounds. ["And sounds like a brand of old-tyme candy!" -- Wing Chun] Chase doesn't think so, since the kid's stool sample was negative for C. jejuni. I mean, obviously, Foreman. House is still hung up on Carnell's dad lying to his son about his own mother's death. Unsolicited, Cameron says she has absolutely no problem with parents lying to their kids to protect them. Yeah, that works really great until the kid inevitably finds out about the lie and the resulting inability to trust his parents and anger over having been deceived by the people he loves the most is ten times worse than finding out whatever his parents were lying about in the first place. Of course, Cameron wouldn't know about that, since she probably still believes in Santa Claus. "They lie because they love us," House snarks, although we will later find out that he subscribes whole-heartedly to this notion when he benefits from it. Foreman says that Carnell's mom is irrelevant anyway: the DNA tests, which were done in absolute record time, came back negative for any genetic markers.
House wants more information about Carnell's poop; was it a "peeker," or did the "prairie dog" "come out to play?" I think I was happier when they were using medical terms I had to spend ten minutes figuring out how to spell. Cameron says that the discharge was more of a "gush" than an "explosion," cringing at the fact that she has been reduced to fecal stream comparisons. House thinks this is important, although he's not sure how. He answers a phone call as Foreman grumbles about how sick he is of House's riddles. "Hi, Mom," House says to the phone, and Cameron's head snaps around so fast I'm surprised she didn't experience some sphincter paralysis herself. Even Foreman's interest is piqued. House tells his mother that he has an "important business dinner" on Thursday, so he won't be able to see her. He hangs up, and Cameron presses him for details. House says that was Angelina Jolie on the phone. She likes it when House calls her "Mom." "Who thinks that's sexy?" House asks. No one does, with the rumored exception of Colin Farrell. I don't know why no one believes House that that really was Angelina Jolie; if anything, her marriage to an older yet still extremely immature man with a fondness for hair plugs and drugs shows that House is just her type.
House wants to go back to analyzing Carnell's poop, but Cameron won't be deterred! "[House's mom] never calls here; is everything okay?" she asks. To get her off his back, House admits that his parents are stopping in Newark for a nine-hour layover on their way to Europe, and that they wanted to have dinner with him. Carnell might have a gastrointestinal problem and -- Cameron can't believe House just lied to his own mother to avoid seeing her! House says that Wilson invited him to dinner, and that he's not about to turn down a guy who just loaned him $5000. Foreman thinks Carnell has transverse myelitis, which would explain his shocks and sphincter issues. And here I was, blissfully unaware that there were any conditions that could cause your own body to painfully shock itself, when it turns out that there are several. That sucks. House sarcastically, but probably just a little bit sincerely, thanks Foreman for not caring about House's mom, and asks what could cause the transverse myelitis besides cancer and MS. Foreman suggests an infection. All tests have shown no evidence of a current infection, which Foreman explains away by saying that the infection could be long gone, "but the memory remains." "Molecular mimicry. Nice," House says. I'll take his word for it. He orders them to get an immunoglobulin level and electrophoresis. The Cottages leave. "You're good, my friend. I'm sure we'll meet again," House says to the air.
The Cottages walk down the hall, all abuzz about House's mother. Well, Cameron is, anyway. Foreman claims not to care, although he's thought about it enough to guess that House's mom must be a "piece of work" to have created such a monster of a son. Chase's theory is that House was born bad and spent his childhood tormenting his parents. Cameron asks them to do her work for her while she snoops around her boss's personal business.
Cameron's first stop is Wilson's office, where she asks him if he can cancel his dinner plans with House so that House can see his parents. Wilson grumbles that this is the fourth time he has loaned House a significant amount of money, which is interesting, but not to Cameron, who steers Wilson back to the subject at hand. Wilson agrees to cancel the dinner, but Cameron has a better idea: she asks Wilson to add a few names to the invitation. She probably meant her own name, but Wilson seems to think she meant the Houserents. Now, normally, I'd be making fun of Cameron for being such an annoying busybody, but I really want to meet House's parents, too, so I'm cool with it. And it's not like House hasn't pulled this stuff on other people before.
Foreman and Chase finish Carnell's lumbar puncture. He complains of feeling nauseated and asks his dad to get him a Coke. Dad runs out to do that, and Carnell rolls his eyes in disgust. He tells the doctor that doesn't really feel sick; he just wanted his dad out of the room. Not because he's angry at him about the dead mom story -- although I'm sure that one still stings a little -- but because...
We cut back to the meeting room, where House is thoroughly irritated to hear that Carnell snuck off to Jamaica with some rich school friends during Spring Break, which House says was "over a month ago." It must have been the Spring Break in the weird space-time continuum that the Christmas-themed buildings and graduation ceremonies of ambiguous dates also exist in. Cameron enters and explains her tardiness with the enigmatic excuse of "making dinner plans." House gets her up to speed with the "shocking" fact that Carnell and his dad have a "crappy relationship." Yes, but is it explosive or gushing? And why does House think it's a good idea for a middle-aged man to wear an unflattering skin-tight t-shirt? Women aren't the only people whose boobs are affected by gravity. House suspects thatCarnell spent his Jamaica time smoking a lot of weed, which could have been sprayed with pesticides that cause transverse myelitis. (Someone on the writing staff of this show has a real problem with pesticides.) House tells the Cottages to start treating Carnell for that. Foreman angrily objects, saying that House has no proof of his diagnosis. Foreman seems to have been living under a rock for the last season and a half. House assures him that it will be super-awesome when Carnell gets better and proves that House was right, since House, too, has apparently been living under that same rock and doesn't realize that whatever diagnosis he makes before the show passes the fifty-minute mark will be wrong, and that treatment for it will only make his patient worse. Foreman and Chase go off to do that, but House asks Cameron to stay behind so that he can ask her about those dinner plans. For the first time ever, Cameron is reluctant to say anything.
Wilson is accosted in the parking lot (apparently, he and House lost their cushy parking-garage spots) by an angry man with a cane. "You bastard!" says the man who borrowed five thousand dollars from his friend and then used said friend to get out of dinner with the 'rents. Wilson says that Cameron has a "big mouth," which confirms House's suspicions. Wilson says he doesn't appreciate being used, especially since he probably had much higher hopes about the nature of their dinner after House said that stuff about making it worth Wilson's while. House asks whether this about the money he borrowed and has yet to pay back. Wilson says it isn't, but now that they're on the subject.... House whips out a checkbook and starts writing a check for the entire amount he owes. You see, House never actually needed any of Wilson's money; he was just doing a "little experiment" to see how much money Wilson would give House before he asked for it back. Wow, it's really sad that House thinks he needs to test his friends like that, and that he thinks friendship can be measured in money. Wilson sputters, rendered almost speechless, and House offers him a check in exchange for canceling the dinner plans with his parents. Wilson agrees to the deal, takes the check, and tells House that if he wants to cancel on his parents, he can call them himself. House is shocked that Wilson would actually lie to House. Wilson says that he, too, has been doing a little experiment: lying to House in increasing amounts, starting with the time last year when he told House he looked good with stubble. Wilson rolls his eyes and closes his car door in House's face. Oh, day-amn! House got TOLD! What what! Awesome. It's about time Wilson justified his existence on this show.
The day, Cuddy goes to Foreman and voices her disgust that they're treating Carnell for pesticide poisoning they have no proof he's suffering from. Cuddy doesn't know how they'll explain that to the hospital's lawyers. Aw, crap, does that mean Stacy is coming back? Also, Cuddy, you're House's boss. If you're really concerned, why not try acting like it? Foreman and Cuddy enter Carnell's room, where they find the patient looking remarkably better and eating the hell out of his breakfast. Dad thanks them for saving his son. Dad apparently thinks this is a half-hour show, since we're only at the twenty-five-minute mark. Carnell should be taking a turn for the worse any minute now...
House is exceptionally thrilled with himself. Cuddy doesn't think he should celebrate just yet, since the kid is still experiencing shocks, although admittedly less than before (I'll say -- we haven't seen Carnell electrocute himself since that one he did it front of Cameron), and his white count is still really low. Best of all, House says, Carnell has regained the use of his sphincter, which is benefits everyone except Cameron of the Malfunctioning Olfactory Senses. House assures Cuddy that the shocks will stop and that the white count will go up in time. Then he gets a phone call that seems to say different. "I'll be right there," he says.
House enters Carnell's room to find him shaking with chills and suffering from a fever of almost one hundred and six degrees(!!!) Dad wants to know what is wrong with his son. House says he'd be happy to make something up to protect Dad from the truth, like that a drunk driver broke into Carnell's room. Oh, that was funny. But so wrong, House. So wrong. House says the truth is that he has no idea what's going on.
"FEVER" is the newest addition to the whiteboard. Normally, I'd object to the over-dramatic use of all-caps there, but that was one hell of a fever. Cameron thinks Carnell is finally showing signs of the infection that caused his transverse myelitis, but House disagrees: he thinks Carnell's low white count made him especially vulnerable to infection, which PPTH is nothing if not filled with. Chase reports that the kid's sphincter paralysis has returned after going away when he was getting better. House says that Carnell was never getting better, just feeling like it. So the sphincter thing was psychosomatic? He orders the Cottages to give the Carnell a ton of antibiotics, do some tests, and track down Carnell's Jamaica buddies and ask them how they're feeling.
In the hall, Cameron invites Foreman and Cameron to dinner with her, Wilson, House, and House's parents. They both decline, because they know what "boundaries" are and the importance of their existence in a professional setting.
Cameron goes to Carnell and tries to get his dad out of the room so that she can get the names of his secret Jamaica trip buddies. She blows it when Dad refuses to leave and she tries to threaten to have him removed. Dad says he can't help his son if his doctors are keeping secrets from him. Then he yelps in pain as karma bites him on the ass. Carnell finally confesses that he went to Jamaica during Spring Break instead of coming home and having to work his ass off like his dad apparently forces him to. Dad is angry at his son for lying and ditching work. Shut up, Dad.
Meanwhile, House is in Cuddy's office, graciously volunteering to make up for his recent poor Clinic duty attendance by working a night shift tomorrow. Cuddy patiently explains that the Clinic is closed at night, so House can't use it to avoid his dinner, which Cuddy will also be attending. "I love their Cobb salad!" Cuddy says, grinning from ear to ear. Ha! Ha! Ha! House offers to tell Cuddy who started the rumor that she's a transsexual if she gets him out of dinner tomorrow. Cuddy looks up, alarmed, and then remembers who she's talking to and says there is no such rumor. House promises to start one if she doesn't help him get out of dinner. House might also want to learn what boundaries are and how maintaining them in a professional setting is important. Cuddy tells him just to lie to his parents like everyone else does. House says that would be impossible, since his mother is a "human polygraph." Cuddy thinks his mother would rather be lied to than know the truth that her son hates her. "I don't hate her. I hate him," House says. Cuddy just stands there like, "Damn, that's intense. I'd feel sorry for the guy if he hadn't just said I look like a man."
Carnell's pre-credits friend -- "the man," a.k.a. Taddy (whatever) -- is working late at the new corporate job he apparently started the second his graduation ceremony ended. Taddy says he hasn't experienced any strange symptoms since returning from Jamaica except a case of athlete's foot. Cameron asks to see it, explaining that Jamaica is home to a parasite that can resemble foot fungus. Taddy gets all uncomfortable and says he actually has athlete's crotch, not foot. Cameron still wants to see it. Right now, or she'll somehow drag Taddy to a hospital and look at it there. Taddy stands up and drops trou. Cameron looks around. Because we're suddenly in an episode of Three's Company, Taddy's boss enters and totally doesn't buy the groin-rash-doctor excuse. Cameron ruins everyone's lives.
Back at the hospital, Cameron tells the group, now including Wilson, that the only Jamaica friend with any weird symptoms was Taddy with his groin rash, which she thinks might just be diaper rash from working day and night at his new job and not changing his clothes for three days. Yeah, maybe, if Taddy was wearing soaking-wet clothes the entire time. The other members of the team have a few other theories, and House wants to get Taddy in PPTH to see it for himself. Cameron says that Taddy refuses to leave work, even if it means his friend dies. House tells Cameron to tell Taddy that the bacteria is flesh-eating, and will be going after Taddy's "frank and beans" .
Of course, Cameron doesn't like to lie, so she goes to Cuddy, hoping to get Stacy to subpoena Taddy to come to the hospital instead, like that's any better or less complicated. Not to mention that it would probably take months. I'm pleased to report that Stacy is at a conference and therefore not around to help Cameron or be in this episode. Heh, the one time Stacy's lawyer skillz might be useful and she's not even there. Apparently, PPTH doesn't have any other lawyers, so Cuddy tells Cameron just to lie to House that his parents are coming in early so that he'll run off to Taddy's office as an excuse not to see them. Yeah, because if Cameron didn't want to lie to some guy she barely knows, she's really going to want to lie to the boss she's in love with. I think the ugliness of Cuddy's bright pink shirt with ruffles around the neck is killing her brain cells. Cameron's pager goes off.
Cut to Carnell's room, where the patient is groaning in pain, thanks to a bleed in his intestine. The Magic School Bus Cam shows us some recycled footage from LL's intestinal bleed. Carnell will need surgery.
House and the Cottages watch the operating room fun from above. Chase says that Carnell's infection caused the bleed. It's repairable, but it means those antibiotics aren't working. House tells them to double the dose, and asks Cameron where Taddy is. Cameron says that Taddy won't leave work, and that she won't lie to make him do it. And she waited two hours to tell House this. House accuses Cameron of being a coward who's afraid of being wrong that Taddy's rash was inconsequential to Carnell's case. With that, Cameron starts to tell him Cuddy's lie about his parents coming in early, but then Cuddy bursts in and tells Cameron that she doesn't need to lie to House. Way to call Cameron out on that, Cuddy. Taddy is on his way to PPTH after vomiting blood, even though he works in Manhattan and there have got to be closer hospitals to him than PPTH.
The EMTs enter with Taddy, who gives Cameron a weak hello. House wants to see Taddy's crotch, but an EMT protests that a guy who vomited three units of blood should be admitted as soon as possible. House tells the guy that if he wanted to be a doctor, he should have done better in high school. "Bite me," the EMT responds. The EMT needs to start teaching a class on how to proper way to respond to House's jabs, and the rest of the opening credits cast needs to take it with the possible exception of Foreman and, after that "increasing amounts of lying line," Wilson. House cuts through Taddy's pants and says that the location of Taddy's rash implies that he had sex with Carnell. Taddy denies that he's gay or even good friends with Carnell, who barely had time for anything but schoolwork, wrestling, and working at his dad's junkyard. Taddy only knew Carnell because they were in the same frat. House checks out that rash as we get a close-up of Taddy's brief-covered crotch. House confirms that it isn't a fungus, and then asks Taddy to repeat what he said about Carnell's dad. Taddy repeats that Carnell worked at his dad's scrap metal yard during school breaks. House takes off.
House dramatically whips back the divider curtain in Carnell's post-op room and accuses Dad of lying. Again. You see, Dad told PPTH that he owned a construction company because he figured the hospital would treat his son better if they thought he had more money. House asks Dad whether Carnell took any souvenirs from the yard. Dad says he gave Carnell an early graduation gift of a small weight from the scrap yard to remind Carnell where he came from, as if Carnell would ever forget with his dad making him work there every time he came back for a visit. Dad made it into a keychain that Carnell carried around as a good-luck charm. House wants to see it. Dad doesn't know where it is or why it's even important.
House asks the Cottages where Carnell's clothes are. Cameron says that they're in his dresser in his regular room. House orders Foreman and Chase to bring the bureau to Radiology, and not to open it.
Foreman and Chase deliver the dresser to Radiology, and House tells them to scram because the dresser is radioactive. Chase takes off so fast he puts a Chase-shaped hole in the wall, but Foreman stays behind to tell House how ridiculous his latest theory is. Then House opens the dresser and runs a Geiger counter over it. It crackles as it runs over the keychain, which is attached to the zipper of Carnell's backpack. "Call the boys in the lead pajamas," House says. Foreman runs away. House sticks around, apparently hoping the radiation will cause him to mutate into an awesome superhero or something.
Back from commercial, House orders a PET scan of Carnell's cervical spine. He's guessing they'll find some radiation-caused tumors there. "It's not gonna be good news," he says.
"It's not good news," Foreman tells Carnell's dad. That piece of metal he gave Carnell was actually a part of an illegally-dumped radioactive device. Carnell has radiation sickness. Taddy got it from carrying Carnell's bag on his lap during the flight to Jamaica. Taddy will be fine; Carnell had a lot more exposure. He'll need a bone marrow transplant (since the radiation destroyed his ability to create white blood cells), and surgery (to take out the tumor inside his spinal cord that was causing the shocks). The surgery is extremely risky because of Carnell's immune system. Without it, the tumor will probably kill Carnell. Dad cries, because it's his fault his son is dying. Foreman tells Dad there was no way he could have known, but I don't think that will ease his guilty conscience. Dad will also need to be treated for exposure. They also might want to run a Geiger counter over his scrap yard.
An older couple enter House's office. It's the Houserents, hooray! Mom is surprisingly sweet and kind, while Dad is played by R. Lee Ermey, which is all you need to know, probably. Mom hugs House while Dad stands back awkwardly. House tells them he can't do dinner tonight because he has a really complicated case. The Houserents don't see why he can't at least have dinner with them in the PPTH cafeteria. "I'll buy you a Reuben!" says Mom. House agrees just as Cameron enters to tell House that Carnell is ready for tumor surgery, and also to butt in. She runs up and introduces herself to the Houserents. Dad says that House has told them all about her. "Really?" Cameron says, sounding so very hopeful. Daddy House has to tell her that he was just making fun of his son, who apparently doesn't tell them much about his employees. Cameron deflates. Mom invites Cameron to dinner but, off House's pained, pleading look, Cameron actually declines. It took forty-nine minutes for Cameron to respect her boss's boundaries, but she did it. Good on her!
A surgeon removes Carnell's tumor as Chase watches. Suddenly, Carnell's pressure drops. He's hemorrhaging.
Remember what I said about Cameron finally learning the importance of butting out and stuff? Forget that: she is now spying on House's dinner from afar. Foreman walks up and tells her that grown children-parent dinner conversations are never interesting. He walks away. Cameron eventually follows.
Daddy House asks his son what's going on with his life. House tensely replies, "Not much." Daddy House asks about girlfriends. House says he has a motorcycle. Daddy House says he noticed it parked in the handicapped spot. Mommy House tells House to be careful with it. "You know what your problem is, Greg?" Daddy House asks. "You just don't know how lucky you are." Then he asks where the "head" is, because that's military-speak for bathroom, and R. Lee Ermey will never play a non-military character, ever. Mommy House tells her son that his dad was only trying to help. "I don't need help," House says. "I know. You're absolutely perfect just the way you are," Mommy replies. I thought she was being sarcastic like her son, but apparently not, as he smiles and she rubs his arm. And that's all for the Houserents! I was hoping for more. I'm disappointed.
Wilson gives Carnell's father some water and says there's still no word on Carnell's surgery. For some reason, the director decided this scene would have the most emotional impact if the camera were placed under Wilson's nose and behind Dad's chair. Weird. Dad tells Wilson how he had to raise Carnell by himself since his wife died when his son was young. He used to put cold pancakes in his son's lunchbox. At those weren't radioactive, though. Chase enters with good news about Carnell's spinal cord tumor, but bad news about Carnell's intestines, which have perforated again. His white count keeps falling, and there's nothing they can do.
Cameron interrupts House's PSP time to tell him that Taddy and Daddy are doing well, but that Carnell is dying. House thanks her for declining the dinner invitation. "It was none of my business," Cameron says. I laugh and laugh. She turns to leave, but House starts telling her about his parents. Dad's a marine pilot and Mom was a housewife. They've been married for forty-seven years and had one child, which means we won't be seeing a Housister anytime soon, sadly. House says that his father is just like Cameron in the sense that he can't lie to anyone about anything. "Crappy quality for a dad," House says. And yet, he still seemed to have a problem with Carnell's dad lying to his son. So...I don't know what this episode is trying to say.
Carnell is out of surgery. Dad sits down to his bed and apologizes for lying about his mother. Carnell apologizes for lying about Jamaica, and says he knows why his dad lied, and that it worked, since he never drives drunk. And yet, here he is, twenty-two and about to die. Not that Carnell knows that part. He says he's scared. "There's nothing to be scared of," Dad says. "You're gonna be just fine." Carnell tells his dad he wants to know the truth. "I'm telling you the truth," Dad lies. "You're gonna be fine. I swear." "I love you, Dad," Carnell says. "I love you, too," Dad responds. And given his track record, he may well be lying about that, too. House watches the scene from behind the window and wishes his dad would lie to him and tell him how absolutely perfect he is, too.
Cameron talks to the only person who will listen to her House obsession: Wilson. She doesn't understand why House has a problem with his dad telling the truth. Wilson says that House hates being a disappointment, and would apparently rather be lied to and told he isn't than face the truth and maybe do something about it to help himself. Cameron doesn't see how any parents could be disappointed in their world-famous doctor son. Wilson points out that parents aren't exactly pleased when their kid is miserable. So it's much better to lie and tell your adult son that he isn't dying as opposed to telling him the truth he has every right to know and upsetting him. And it's not like Carnell isn't going to find out; I'm sure Cameron's move was to go to his room and accidentally reveal it to him.
House revs the engine of his handicapped-parked motorcycle, puts his helmet on, and drives away. The camera pans to a close-up of the handicapped parking sign. Because House is HANDICAPPED. And that's the truth.