By Sara M
Two almost-adolescent boys walk up to a large house. The older and cooler of the pair claims that girls love it when you stick your tongue in their mouths. Ah, the Facts of Life, as interpreted by newly-hormonal youth. The younger and nerdier kid is confused and afraid of this new information, and also that his friend is now attempting to enter the house's grounds by climbing a wrought-iron fence. The dorky kid is reluctant to follow because he doesn't want to Get In Trouble, but his cooler friend tells him to knock it off as he grabs a key from under the welcome mat and lets himself in the house. Inside the house, French Kisser says that the house is being sold by Dave's realtor mother, and will serve as their "clubhouse" until then. He tells the dork to be cool, because they are about to hang out with some "very serious dudes." I'm starting to think French Kisser is actually dorkier than his dorky friend.
Up in the attic, French Kisser and the Dork, now introduced to us as Gabe, enter an attic where some very serious dudes smoke cigarettes, drink beer, and...play Ouija. One of these things is not like the other. Ouija was bad-ass when you were eight, maybe. Lamest cool kids club ever. The kids ask Parker Brothers who they'll marry when they grow up. Oh, wait -- that's how little girls play Ouija. These tough guys ask if any of them will die in the year to come. It immediately points to "yes," because they're moving it. Gabe gets freaked out, but the game must continue. They ask which of them will die, and of course, Gabe's name is spelled out. "That blows," they tell him.
Cut to Gabe in bed, coughing and fever-stricken. Mom says she's taking him to the hospital, since he's had this fever for almost a week. How about taking the poor kid to the doctor after he's had the fever for two days, like good mothers do? Plus, she just leaves the room and makes poor Gabe get out of bed himself, which he can't do without collapsing on the floor. "I'm dying!" he says. If this were a Chick Tract, the show would be over, lesson learned. Since it's House, we'll continue onto the opening credits.
As almost every episode of this show begins, someone -- this week, it's Cuddy -- tells House about an interesting new case, and House instadiagnoses it as something benign and harmless -- this week, it's pneumonia -- and pretends to not be interested in the case at all, only to take it on. House is wrong about the pneumonia, although his guess that the patient's parents are huge hospital donors is right on. And we get an amusing little sequence of House looking all over his office for something, which, of course, turns out to be a solitary Vicodin pill hidden behind a flask. "There you are! Were you scared? It's okay -- you're home now," House tells the pill before he swallows it. Drug addiction was never cuter. Cuddy decides she's not getting anywhere and turns to leave, but House calls her back. He says he'll take the case as a "special favor" to her. Cuddy ain't buying it. She knows that House is interested in the case because of the possibility that the rash on Gabe's arm could be connected to the pneumonia.
Differential Diagnosis time! What kind of pneumonia comes with a rash on the arm? Chase says Legionnaire's Disease, which Cameron doesn't think is very likely in a twelve-year-old boy. She thinks it's something "fungal." More like UNfungal! Thank you, I'll be here all night. Foreman goes for the Chlamydia guess, which Cameron the Innocent dismisses on the assumption that twelve-year-olds don't have sex. Chase wonders if the rash caused the pneumonia instead of the other way around. A tick bite would explain why there's only the one rash, and it's the right time of the year for them. Maybe it's Lyme Disease. House orders some drugs and a biopsy on the rash, and tells the Cottages to get another patient history so that House can find out what kind of twelve-year-old is getting more action than he is.
The Cottages attempt to take a culture of poor Gabe's rash fluid while his Divorced Parents bicker about whose fault all of this is. Chase asks Gabe if he's been camping or played sports recently, and Gabe says he's not that good at sports. I think we can eliminate the STD from our list of possible diseases, then. Chase asks about sex anyway, and Dad gets all angry that they would even ask his kid such a question, like that's even important when your kid is dying. Chase says they'll need another CT scan, and Cameron is all too happy to gives Dad directions to the room until Chase interrupts to say that only medical personnel are allowed up there. Cameron is too dense to play along, so she makes a series of confused expressions.
Chase wheels Gabe to a quiet area of the hospital where they can talk about stuff away from his asshole Dad. Gabe says his dad used to be an Air Force test pilot and therefore is the coolest guy in the world, even if he is a demanding jerk. Chase asks Gabe about sex again, and Gabe's answer is that he only wishes he were sexually active. Chase gets some candy from a vending machine and tells Gabe not to worry: in a few years, all the girls will realize how hot smart guys are. Well, when they look like Chase, I'm sure. When you're the boy from Spy Kids, maybe not so much. ["Or the girl, frankly." -- Wing Chun] Chase hands Gabe some candy, easily earning him the kid's trust enough for Gabe to tell him about the Ouija board thing and how he is CURSED. Chase says there's a guy upstairs who's also named Gabe, and who is really old and really sick, so maybe his is the death the Ouija board predicted. Meanwhile, the family of old, sick Gabe, who took short vending machine break from their round-the-clock vigil, turn around and head for Cuddy's office to file a complaint. But first, they'll just put in a quick call to the Coffin Superstore and take advantage of their Early Bird special, which allows family members to afford a coffin that won't catch any worms (if you buy the afterlifetime warrantee at an additional cost).
Back in the show, Gabe tells Chase about how he broke a mirror and then the very day, his parents got divorced. Chase says that his parents split up, too, and that every kid thinks it's his fault but it never is. Especially in this case, since Gabe's parents obviously can't stand each other no matter what their son does or doesn't do. Now that they've bonded, Gabe tells Chase how he snuck into the vacant house.
House says that Gabe's "secret club" is full of morons, as if every single child in the world doesn't do exactly the same thing, with the possible exception of House when and if he was a child. Chase says that Gabe scraped his arm when he fell in the attic, and that it smelled "really moldy" up there. The day, he got sick. Looks like a simple case of fungal pneumonia. Chase is going to get a sample, but his egress is interrupted by the presence of a man standing in the office doorway. Chase stares. The man asks him if he has a minute. Chase finds his voice and says he has to go, and brushes past the guy. House always has free time, though, so he asks the visitor if his interesting accent is Czech with thirty years of Australian thrown in for good measure. "You have quite an ear," Mystery Guy says, which may be true now but wasn't a few episodes ago when House was calling Chase British. Our Mystery Man is Chase's dad, and House is intrigued at the frosty reception he just got from his son.
House hobbles as fast as his cane will carry him to Wilson, who is trying to do his clinic duty when House walks into the room for an urgent consult. He's got a twenty-six-year-old male who suddenly lost the ability to speak. Dude, Chase is only twenty-six? How does that work? Is Chase the Australian Doogie Howser? We won't find out, since House is more concerned with the strange interpersonal dynamics between Chase the Elder and Chase the Younger. He wonders if the Elder murdered the Younger's mom or something. Wilson wonders why he's being dragged into this when it doesn't involve him whatsoever and he's got work to do.
Chase jumps the fence and enters the House of Doom. He finds the key and lets himself into the attic, where a bunch of beer-drinking boys (where are they getting all that beer, anyway? It's easy enough to get vodka by raiding your parents' liquor cabinet, but they tend to notice when half the beers in the fridge are suddenly missing) immediately drop their bottles and jump to the window. Chase tells them to chill out; he's not here to bust anyone, just to check out the pipes Gabe scratched himself on. He gets a sample, and then the kids see a cop pull up outside and take off. Chase follows, just as reluctant as they are to avoid getting arrested. He's not as young as he used to be, though, so his escape via the tree to the window ends with him landing on his ass and groaning in pain.
House and the Cottages check out the sample under the microscope. Actually, just the Cottages are looking at it; House is reading one of Chase the Elder's medical textbooks and letting everyone in the room know about it. Eventually, he goes to the microscope, sees some animal hairs in the insulation sample, and orders a CT scan.
Something scary's on the CT scan of Gabe's lungs, and House blames it on the attic insulation. Cameron and Chase figure out what it is, but Slow Foreman needs an explanation. House says that poor Gabe has anthrax.
Gabe's Dad is a little skeptical of the diagnosis. Chase explains that anthrax isn't just for terrorists; it's a naturally occurring bacterium that was in the insulation. Cuddy soothes the savage beast (who calls her "Lisa") by saying that she appreciates everything Air Force One has given to the hospital, and that Dr. House is the best guy they have to treat his son. In that case, Air Force One wants to know why they're dealing with "this guy," a.k.a. Chase, who doesn't appreciate the nickname. Air Force One says he checked online and found some other diseases that cause a similar skin rash. He orders Cuddy and Chase to look into every possible condition Gabe could have before they make any conclusive decisions, and says he is going to "stay on top" of them while they do it. And with that, he walks away. So much for staying on top of everyone.
Over in Gabe's room, Gabe's airway is closing. Chase, Cuddy, and Foreman run in, and Chase takes a look inside Gabe's throat, which he reports has nodules. They'll need to intubate, but Foreman can't get the tube in. He keeps trying, and Gabe stops breathing. Chase grabs a scalpel to do a tracheotomy, and has just begun the incision when Foreman gets the tube through and Gabe is breathing again. Air Force One alternates between looking angry and looking very worried.
The Cottages follow House down the hallway, discussing why Gabe's throat closed up. It wasn't an allergic reaction to the antibiotics, since they switched medicines and the throat nodules didn't go away. House wonders what "Dr. Chase" thinks, and lets Chase get a few words in before interrupting to say he meant the other Dr. Chase. You know, the one House is using to antagonize one of the only people in the world who actually likes him.
There are now two Chases in the Differential Diagnosis room. Chase the Elder doubts the anthrax diagnosis, especially since Gabe's tell-tale rash hasn't turned black. Apparently, anthrax rashes get necrosis, which is nasty. Cameron supports the Elder's theory, because she's a bitch. Chase the Younger defends his theory, saying that the rash can take as long as two weeks to turn black. Chase the Elder sips his coffee. Chase the Younger makes an angry smirking face. House hasn't had this much fun watching a fucked-up relationship play out since the last episode of GH he watched. He puts Chase the Younger's diagnosis to a vote, and it gets no support. Therefore, it's time to figure out what else Gabe could have. Chase the Elder suggests sarcoidosis. They'll go with that.
Foreman and Chase inform Air Force One that the latest tests confirm a new diagnosis of sarcoidosis, which is making Gabe's lung and throat tissues swell. No one knows how it's caused or how Gabe got it, but they're going with it since, as Chase says, a "world-renowned" and personally-hated doctor is consulting on the case. That really shouldn't make anyone feel better, considering that House is supposed to be pretty well-known himself and, thus far, he's been way off. Foreman starts to hook up some anti-inflammatory medicine, but Chase notices something and orders him to stop. He turns Gabe's wrist over, and we see that his rash has turned black.
So now we've got what appears to be a definite anthrax diagnosis, except that anthrax doesn't account for Gabe's throat nodules. Chase the Elder's theory is that Gabe has anthrax AND sarcoidosis, which Chase the Younger doubts with much sarcasm. He thinks that Gabe has anthrax and had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics. House's theory: both Chases are sort of right: Gabe's anthrax weakened his immune system, triggering a formerly dormant sarcoidosis. They'll treat him for both conditions and, as House says, "see what happens." Because that method always yields such positive results. Chase the Younger storms off to do this. House tells Foreman to follow and make sure he doesn't explode with anti-parental rage.
Air Force One isn't too pleased with his son's doctors' new treatment method of treating Gabe for everything under the sun and hoping something will make him better. He calls it throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks. "Works for spaghetti," Chase mutters, shocking and offending everyone in the room. Chase wonders when he became his boss.
Air Force One takes matters into his own hands and marches to House's office. House is most annoyed to be disturbed from his latest Game Boy Advance game, but he smiles as he limps to answer the door. Then he locks it in the guy's face and makes this really great "no way" face. So Air Force One just goes through another door and tells House that he gives the hospital a lot of money for "attention." There are much cheaper ways to get attention. Like taking off your clothes in a public area. That doesn't cost a thing, unless you get arrested. And even then, it's just a moderate fine. Or so I've heard. Air Force One tells a story of how his wrist hurt, and that it wasn't until he gave the hospital a crapload of money that someone actually ran some tests on him and he had surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. House doesn't care at all. His pager goes off, and House interrupts Air Force One's angry ranting by ordering him to go back to Gabe's room, where there is a problem.
Air Force One finds Timid Mom and Foreman hunched over a whimpering Gabe. Foreman admits that they have no idea what is wrong with Gabe now. Air Force One walks up to his son, and we see he now has a big, nasty rash all over his back.
Cameron and Foreman follow House into the meeting room. Foreman says that Gabe's skin lesions are spreading and getting deeper, and that Gabe will go septic in a matter of days. Chase the Elder's in the meeting room already, enjoying a salad. He asks where his son is. Cameron says that he's on Clinic duty, and I did not know that the Cottages had to do that. I want to see! House says he rescheduled everyone so that they'd be able to give their full attention to this case. Cameron tattles that Chase re-rescheduled himself, and House makes a face.
My prayers are answered! Chase the Younger is dealing with some old guy with an arm problem when House enters to answer a page Chase never sent. He's followed by the remaining Cottages (looking very sorry to be involved in House's latest mindfuck) and Chase the Elder. The five start to talk about Gabe's skin lesions, completely ignoring Chase's current patient, who has no idea why people are talking about a skin rash he doesn't have. When they mention that the patient is a twelve-year-old male, it dawns on the old guy that they're talking about someone else, so he just sits there and mumbles to himself. Chase the Elder thinks the anthrax triggered an autoimmune response, causing the skin lesions. Chase the Younger doesn't think so. His theory is multiple neurofibromatosis, and he thinks Chase the Elder is only suggesting autoimmune stuff because that's his particular area of expertise. House agrees with Chase the Elder. The non-daddy-issue-having Cottages leave to give Gabe some steroids. The Old Guy asks why his fingers are numb. House simply says that his watch is on too tight, and Chase remembers why he loves his boss so very much. Old Guy loosens his watch band and immediately feels better. I find it hard to believe that someone that stupid could have lived so long.
Chase the Younger orders House to stop messing with his head. House says that Chase's daddy issues are keeping him from doing his job well, and Chase the Younger points out that House is the reason Chase the Elder is even involved. House says that's true, but that he doesn't understand why Chase isn't even curious as to what his dad his doing in town. Chase says that it's probably a conference. House sees that manipulation won't get him the answer he's looking for, so he'll just ask outright: why does Chase hate his dad so much? Shockingly, Chase doesn't want to answer. He asks how House would feel if Chase mucked about in House's personal life, and House says he has already taken care of that problem by not having a personal life for anyone to muck about with. Right, except for the bitterness about the leg and the drug addiction and whatever else we'll be finding out about later in this and future seasons. Chase the Younger leaves to do a biopsy on Gabe's skin lesions, so that he can prove his father wrong.
Chase takes the biopsy results to Gabe's room, where he finds Chase the Elder lording over his patient, all smug and pleased with himself that Gabe has been doing so much better that they took the breathing tube out. Chase the Younger asks his father for a word outside.
Younger tells Elder that Gabe does not have an autoimmune problem, and is only getting better because the steroids they gave him reduced the swelling. His tests show no proof of any autoimmune diseases. Elder tells Younger that he's arguing with a world-class rheumatologist, and Younger asks him what he's doing there. Elder says he's in town for some conference. Younger points out that Elder was there last year for the same conference and didn't see fit to contact Younger then, so what's going on now? Elder says he wanted to say hi because he missed Younger. Younger says that Elder walked out on him eleven years ago. Elder says he walked out on his wife, not his son. Younger points out the flaw in this plan, since mother and son are kind of a package a deal, and Mother was an alcoholic Younger was left to take care of. Elder says he's really sorry about all of that, and Younger takes off to show his biopsy results to House.
House doesn't really care about Chase's results, since the patient is getting better. He even sing-songs "better!" each time Chase tries to show him why the autoimmune diagnosis is wrong. The episodes where House is the most Asshole are also the ones in which is he is the most Adorable, I swear to god. You just can't hate this guy. Chase says that if House wants a negative test result for every single autoimmune disease known to man, he'll get those for him. House asks Chase what his dad is doing in town. Chase says he's there for a conference, just like he thought.
Chase the Elder tries to escape the hospital, but the business end of a cane, followed by some online-bought sneaker, enter the frame behind him. House asks Elder about the conference, and Elder says he's going to an afternoon panel. House says that he checked, and that Elder isn't registered for the conference at all. He's there to see his son, but he couldn't even tell him that, so he lied about a conference. House also noticed a tiny blue tattoo on Elder's neck, which would be a guiding mark for cancer radiation treatments. He figured as much when he saw Elder's macrobiotic breakfast. Elder says he has stage four lung cancer. "You look good," House says. Elder says he's got three months or so left, and he came here to see Wilson. He asks House not to tell Chase the Younger about this. House says he's the one who'll have to look at Chase's face when he reads his dad's obituary. Hey...it's almost like he cares or something.
Chase finishes drawing some more blood from Gabe, saying he's trying to find out exactly which autoimmune thing Gabe has so that they can get him better faster. Chase the Younger is very professional. Gabe says it's really cool that Chase and his dad get to work together like that. Chase doesn't think so, but chooses not to unload on his young patient. Chase gets Gabe a drink of water for his cough, which slips right through Gabe's fingers since he has suddenly lost the ability to move his hand. Maybe his watch is on too tight.
After the break, Gabe is looking a lot worse for wear. In the conference room, the Cottages go over how bad things look for Gabe. His nerves are deteriorating and his fever is over a hundred and five. If they don't do something soon, he'll be paralyzed for life, which should last about another week. Chase the Younger gets to point out that this is because they gave him drugs for an autoimmune condition he doesn't even have, meaning he was right all along, nyah nyah nyah I HATE YOU, DADDY! Elder says that Younger's earlier multiple neurofibromathingaminjingee was right after all. House asks if Elder is agreeing for medical reasons, or to create a beautiful family moment. Elder says it's medical. House says that's too bad, because he loves beautiful family moments. They'll do a CT scan of Gabe's brain to confirm the latest diagnosis.
House is all too happy to interrupt Wilson's flirting with a pretty blonde hospital official to ask why Wilson didn't tell House that Chase the Elder was seeing him. Wilson says there is a little matter of ethics and doctor-patient confidentiality. Plus, he was all focused on treating the cancer as opposed to making sure House knew about all the latest gossip. House asks if he should tell Chase the Younger about this. Wilson says that this must be the part of the show where House asks him for advice he has no intention of following, and House says that Elder made House promise not to say anything, but that House crossed his fingers so it doesn't count. Wilson says that this is actually the part of the show where House uses him as a human sounding board, and asks why House even needs him to "be here." Did Robert Sean Leonard write these lines during his copious amounts of free time in his trailer? House says that seeing Chase the Younger's face when he tell him his dad has cancer will be "entertaining," and Wilson points out that there are a few ethical issues involved here. House likes to alienate the ones he loves most when he's at an impasse, so he gets in a few digs at Wilson for flirting with a pretty blonde thing. Wilson says she is the hospital account, and that he was discussing hospital-accounting-related issues with her, not flirting. "DOUBLE-ENTRY BOOKKEEPING?!" House yells, and hobbles jealously into the elevator.
Gabe gets a head CT scan. Cameron enters the booth to discuss Chase's personal crap with him. She doesn't think Chase the Elder is so bad. Chase the Younger says Cameron can go ahead and marry him, then. Older famous doctor is Cameron's type. Showing that she was, at the very least, considering it, Cameron says she'd be a very "lenient" stepmother. Chase is not amused. Cameron tells him to lighten up and give his dad a break unless he's done something unspeakable evil, which for all she knows he has, so BUTT OUT Cameron. I don't even pull this digging into the personal lives shit with my friends, let alone co-workers I barely have a relationship with. Cameron pathetically begs to know what Chase the Elder did to Chase the Younger, and Chase tells her to stop. Cameron says that hate is toxic, because she reads self-help inspirational crap instead of medical texts. "Then stay away," Chase says.
The CT scan shows nothing to prove neurofibromatosis. House points out that the Chases have now been wrong three times, so they both suck as doctors. They try to come up with a new diagnosis, and House asks about those weird random diseases Air Force One took off the internet. They don't fit Gabe's symptoms, but they're both from the same area of the world. Coincidences make House have to pee. He excuses himself from the room.
Of course, he's not actually peeing. Or maybe he did and we just didn't see it. Regardless, he is in Gabe's room manhandling Air Force One's wrist. It still hurts, because Air Force One didn't have carpal tunnel syndrome in the first place. House introduces himself to Gabe, saying that the "little ones" call him "Uncle Greg(g)." I don't think that's true, but I guess we'll see when a midget shows up during Season 6: Scraping the Idea Bucket. House asks Air Force One if he didn't hear about those two Southeast Asian diseases when he was in Asia, as opposed to an online search he may have conducted. Air Force One denies ever being in Asia, and grabs the phone to call Cuddy. House explains to his patient that his father is really pissed off now, because he thought all that money he gave to the hospital would mean they would do an "extra-good job" on his son. Air Force One slams the phone down and screams at House not to talk to his son like that. Timid Mother actually gets to speak, and asks what is going on. House says that if Mom and Dad don't tell him the truth, Gabe will die. So, when did Air Force One go to Asia, where did he go, and how long was he there? Air Force One says he lived in India for two years in some guru's ashram. This is before Gabe was even born, and possibly before Air Force One even met his future ex-wife. He didn't tell anyone because pilgrimages to India are embarrassing. Instead, he told everyone that he was a test pilot, which he wasn't. Sorry, Gabe! House disappears.
We don't get to see a scene of everyone in the conference room, wondering what House could possibly be doing in the bathroom for the last fifteen minutes. We join the scene already in progress, with House explaining it all: Gabe has leprosy. He got it from his father, who got it on the ashram. That explains the non-carpal tunnel syndrome. The leprosy weakened Gabe's immune system, making him more susceptible to the anthrax, and which then, in turn, accelerated the leprosy. Then, the antibiotics they gave Gabe for the anthrax killed the leprosy bacteria, which then entered Gabe's bloodstream, causing his own body to create antibodies that ended up attacking everything, just like an autoimmune disease. Therefore, everyone's theories were equally correct, yet still wrong. House tells Cameron to call the only leper colony in the "lower forty-eight," which is in Louisiana, as shouldn't surprise anyone (although I do want to know what the leper colony in Hawaii looks like and why everyone doesn't just live there). They'll send some thalidomide, which Cameron balks at until House reminds her that Gabe won't be having a thalidomide baby any time soon, since he is twelve. And male. And shut up, Cameron.
This leaves House and the two Chases. House excuses the Elder to talk to the Younger. He takes some pills as Chase asks him why everyone is all up in Chase's business today. House says that sometimes, when you know things about people, you care about them more. Plus, you feel superior to them. Chase asks if House will care about Chase more if he knows that Chase's dad abandoned him and his mother drank herself to death. House says he won't. Cameron might, though, so he can try her if he wants. And then House adopts a softer tone and says he knows that Chase hates his dad, but that he has something to tell him. He's about to, I assume, tell him about the cancer when Chase interrupts to say that he doesn't hate his dad, but that he learned that it hurts less not to care. If you don't expect any love or attention from your dad, then you won't be disappointed when you don't get it. "Okay," says House. "That's it?" Chase asks. "That's it," says House. And Chase leaves.
Air Force None gets treated for leprosy. Off-screen, Cameron nervously awaits the results of his pregnancy test. If a baby is born without arms, it will remind her of her dead husband.
Chase checks on Gabe, who's doing better. Gabe is worried that he will be further ostracized when his friends find out that they've been exposed to leprosy, but Chase says it's so hard to catch that they don't need to tell anyone about it. Plus, I doubt it's even possible for Gabe to be even less popular. Chase says that Gabe should be totally better in a month, and asks Gabe if he's concerned about his dad at all. Gabe says that his dad is a liar. "He loves you," Chase says. "I don't love him," Gabe says, all crying like a little brat. How about you recover from your ridiculous Biblical disease before you start in with the Daddy Disappointment issues, okay, kid? Chase takes a seat on the bed and informs Gabe that he can't not love his dad. You always love your dad, no matter what. And now Chase has to go do something before he's a hypocrite.
Chase the Elder checks out of his hotel. Chase the Younger is waiting for him outside. He asks Elder if he has time for a drink. Elder says he wishes he did, but he's got a plane to catch. And, apparently, there aren't any other planes going to Australia or wherever Chase the Elder lives, so he can't miss this flight to spend some time with his son. Asshole. The Younger helps his dad carry his bag to the taxi, and Chase the Younger says he'll try to visit fall or so. He'll give his dad a call. They shake hands, and then Chase the Younger pulls his dad in for a hug. We wait and wait for Chase the Elder to tell his son about the cancer, but he's apparently decided that the hug is a good enough goodbye for him. It's probably better than he deserves.