It's Abuse Martha Week for the patients, as the first, a juvenile delinquent boot camp trainer, becomes psychotic and tries to strangle her, and the second, one of the juvenile delinquents, steals her car keys. Both patients are suffering from the same symptoms, due to a genetic disease. It's no coincidence that they both have it, as it turns out that the juvenile delinquent is actually the trainer's long-lost son, unbeknownst to said delinquent. As bad as things are for Martha, though, they're worse for Chase, whose "Faceplace" account is hacked by someone with access to a naked picture of him, his cell phone number, and his credit card info. She uses this information to change his profile picture to a naked photo that has been altered to make his penis look very, very small, his status update giving out his phone number to any interested large women, and charge his credit card with a large donation to the Chairman of the Board's charity as a wedding present. Chase suspects one of the three women he slept with at the wedding, but ultimately it ends up not being any of them, but one of their sisters who didn't appreciate the way Chase ditched her when he found out she wouldn't sleep with him on the first date. Clearly, she is a psychopath, so he probably lucked out there. Finally, Cuddy wants her kid to get into an exclusive preschool, but since Rachel is stupid, House tries to secretly train her so she'll ace the entrance exam playdate thing. She does, but still doesn't get into the preschool. She may, however, have won a place in House's heart.
Before I begin, I must issue a correction from last week's recap. I said that House watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey made him like my mother. My mother would like you all to know that she "would never stoop so low" as to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, although she does watch The Real Housewives of New York, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and The Real Housewives of DC.
She also never sent me to one of those boot camps for teenagers who behave badly, unlike the kids running through a muddy obstacle course in the rain that open the episode. Drill sergeant-esque men watch and yell at them. One kid says he doesn't feel well, but he's just a red herring. The real sick person is one of the boot camp instructors, who is in the middle of yelling at the fake sick kid again for daring to let his fresh head wound bleed all over the obstacle course when he suddenly drops to his knees, saying his back hurts and he can't move. The bleeding kid throws that right back in his face, repeating the guy's own "'Can't' doesn't exist here" mantra before walking away from him without trying to help.
Chase saunters in to work to find the Cottages staring at House's computer screen. He asks what's so interesting, and they say it's actually his profile page, which features a picture of Chase naked and with a penis that Chase claims is "much much smaller" than it should be. Everyone laughs at him, although he says he'll prove that the penis in the picture isn't his by whipping it out, which is something you can do when you know that your work's HR department is a bag of fail. Chase tries to figure out who took the picture, and it turns out that it's in the bathroom of the hotel they went to for that wedding, which means the culprit must be one of the three women he had sex with that night. Upon hearing this, Martha M. Masters says, rather matter-of-factly, "ah, you're a whore."
House finally arrives with a new file: the former Marine suffering from back pain and the inability to pee. Martha M. Masters says their new patient "makes a living bullying kids" before coming up with steroid abuse due to the man's "suspiciously good shape for his age." House says that is a moronic suggestion, but finds it interesting that Martha equates discipline with bullying and wonders what that says about how she was raised. This from the guy whose dad stuck him in a bathtub full of ice water and made him sleep outside or whatever? Okay. Martha tries to deflect by saying that House only approves of the patient's methods because he runs his department the same way, thinking that "cruelty ensures performance." She casts a sideways look at Chase as she says "performance," although I'm not sure if that was intentional in light of his tiny penis or not. House agrees with Martha, then with Chase's suggestion that they stick a catheter up Driscoll's penis to find out why he can't pee. He sends everyone off to do this except Chase, saying that it would be mean to subject him to the sight of a normal-sized penis when Chase's is so very small. Chase sighs. I don't know why he thought House didn't know about that picture. House is probably the person who put it on Chase's site in the first place.
House heads for the cafeteria to have breakfast with Cuddy, only to find that she brought the child along. Cuddy says she's on her way to the doctor for vaccinations for preschool. House hopes the preschool is a boarding school, but it is not. In fact, Cuddy explains, Waldenwood is a very selective and prestigious preschool that she thinks Rachel has a chance to get into, even though she's currently eating her oatmeal with the wrong end of her spoon. House does not seem quite so hopeful.
While Foreman shoves a tube up the Driscoll's penis, Martha M. Masters decides this is the perfect time to lecture him about the cruelty of his boot camp. Driscoll defends the program, saying the kids who attend it have been sent there by a judge and he has to "push" them to get rid of their bad behaviors so they can learn good ones. He says they're better off running all day long than spending their adult lives in gangs and in jail. He points out that two thirds of the kids who go through his program never re-offend, which is better than juvenile hall. So suck it, Martha.
She and Taub are testing Driscoll's urine in the lab when Chase enters, saying that after spending a half hour on the phone with the website, he couldn't get them to take the picture of him down. Taub says he thought "Faceplace" (which looks a lot like Facebook when Chase pulls up his profile on a nearby computer) didn't allow naked pictures. Chase says whoever put his picture up got around that by putting a teeny tiny black bar over his teeny tiny bits. He can't even take down his own profile because whoever put the picture up and hacked into his account also changed his password. Martha says that could be a clue to the perpetrator, who must have "serious tech skills." Not really, Chase says, since his password is the word "password." Well, if he's that stupid then he deserves this. "Dumb whore," Martha mutters. Such vitriol! I think maybe she's bitter because she's the only woman in the world Chase hasn't hit on. Yet. Taub tries to make Chase feel better by expositing that his humiliation has really made Taub's recent troubles (separating from Rachel and living in a hotel -- perhaps in the same room Wilson lived in for like two seasons?) seem not quite as bad.
The Cottages meet in the hall and compare notes: the urine tested free of bacteria, which Foreman says makes sense since he found out that the reason why Driscoll can't pee is because of a nerve problem in his bladder. The male Cottages know House well enough to know that he'll look past boring diagnoses like spinal cord tumor and cerebral palsy in favor of syphilis. Foreman and Martha decide to head him off at the pass by testing for it now. For some reason, Martha gets to draw Driscoll's blood, even though she is terrible at this and usually almost kills patients with only the slightest touch. As it happens, this time, the patient almost kills her first, suddenly grabbing her by the throat until Foreman springs into action and pries him off of her. He calls for help from security (HA!) and for like the first time ever, a guard actually does his job by helping Foreman wrestle Driscoll back onto his bed.
After the break, Taub examines Martha's sore neck while House has little sympathy for her, saying she's fine and their patient is not, so they should focus on him and his newest symptom of psychosis. As predicted, he goes for the syphilis diagnosis, and Foreman says they already did the test and it was negative. Martha M. Masters stops feeling sorry for herself long enough to suggest that perhaps Driscoll was poisoned by one of his students. House begrudgingly sends the menfolk off to check the boot camp for potential poisons, keeping Martha behind long enough to tell her that in the face of him being all mean to her, she came up with "a good idea." Yes, and now that he's accomplished this, it wouldn't kill him to show a little bit of concern for poor Martha. But he doesn't.
Chase runs into the Chairman of the Board of Directors in the cafeteria (yeah, right. No way he'd ever eat there) and tries to find out the names of the three women he slept with at the guy's wedding, hopefully without revealing that he's a whore and that one of them put a picture of him with a tiny penis on his Faceplace profile. He asks for the identity of a woman wearing a purple dress, claiming he met her at the wedding and was interested in her but didn't get her information, and the Chairman, with his remarkably good recall of women's clothing, says it's his niece, which cannot possibly be good news for Chase. Especially since, after the Chairman emails him the niece's personal info in the hopes of hooking her up with an awesome doctor boyfriend, Chase then has to ask him for the identities of two other women.
House asks Wilson for advice, only for him to refuse to help House out with whatever horribleness he's plotting. House says this is actually for a good cause: he wants to help Cuddy's stupid daughter get into a gifted preschool program. Wilson thinks this means that House cares about Rachel, but House says he just doesn't want to have to be consoling and supportive to Cuddy when her daughter doesn't get in to the school. Wilson thinks House should just let whatever happens, happen, but of course, House is not going to do that. As he tells Wilson what will happen if he doesn't try to "help," he comes up with an idea and walks off. Wilson curses that he ended up helping House out after all.
Foreman and Martha get to search the camp. Martha points out the "isolation area" where bad kids are sent for 23 hours a day. She thinks the real cure for troubled kids is to do something to fix the families they come from, like that's possible. Foreman says if bad parents were the only way that bad kids happened, how does Martha explain how Foreman ended up being a doctor while his brother was in jail for years? Um, what about the fact that Foreman has a criminal history himself? And is an asshole? Anyway, he says that instead of looking for possible poisons, maybe they should interview one kid they know had a problem with Driscoll.
Yes, it's the bleeding head wound kid from the opening segment, whose name is Landon. He says he didn't like Driscoll, but he didn't poison him. A nearby kid agrees that Driscoll is much harder on Landon than any of the other students. Foreman says that might be because he behaves worse than the others, and if he thinks this boot camp is bad, he'll really hate jail, where he'll end up for murdering Driscoll if he doesn't come clean. Foreman's threats don't work on Landon, who says his mother is dead and his father is gone, so all he has to look forward to when he gets out of the boot camp is another foster home. With that, the other kid tells him to get back to work mopping the floor, and his red eyes get Foreman's attention. The kid blames it on allergies. Martha asks if he's taking anything for them. "Not right now," he says. Foreman asks why not, and then Driscoll is being hooked up with some fluids to treat his apparent overdose from the allergy drugs Landon slipped him. Driscoll wants to know who poisoned him, but Martha doesn't want to tell him, even after he apologizes to her for trying to kill her when he was psychotic earlier that day. She says he doesn't need to say sorry, but he says he does because he's learned through his military training and stuff that actions have consequences or whatever. And then his heart rate suddenly increases.
The Cottages talk to House via speaker phone, telling him about Driscoll's heart rate issue. House says that rules out their antihistamine toxicity theory, and then reveals where he's talking to them from: the playground. "Great place to meet chicks," he says. While Foreman, Martha, and Taub do their jobs and think of diagnoses, Chase keeps checking his phone. He manages to come up with a diagnosis of his own in between his frequent phone calls, which House already knows the reason for: the mystery profile hacker put up a status update saying he likes fat woman along with his cell phone number. I hope Cameron is doing this. House tells the Cottages to test Driscoll for Chase's theory that I won't bother to mention because it won't work out anyway while he heads in to no doubt cause trouble at Waldenwood Preschool.
He lies to the woman in charge to get into the admission test playroom, telling her that he has to check the area for toxins after a child got sick not soon after getting home from the school. Of course, the teacher is now terribly worried, both for the sake of the non-existent sick kid and the rest of the staff and kids at the school, but also that Waldenwood is going to get sued. House refuses to tell her the identity of the sick kid, claiming doctor-patient confidentiality, then asks if they're in the room where all the admissions tests occur. Teacher says yes, and then wonders if they should get rid of all the toys in case they're toxic. House quickly assures her that isn't necessary, and that, in fact, she should probably just stay away from the toys, the room, and House, in order to minimize any possible exposure. She leaves, and he gets to work taking pictures of every toy in the room.
Back at PPTH, Foreman has better things to do than sit in the booth with Martha while their patient gets an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) so he leaves, saying he doesn't need to supervise her since the scan is pre-programmed and nothing could possibly go wrong. Uh oh. Driscoll is dead. But it's not the MRI that kills him, in the end, but Martha, who decides to keep Driscoll company by using the PA system to annoy him to death. He says he knows Landon tried to drug him, and even though that wasn't what made him sick, he still tried to hurt or kill his drill sergeant. Driscoll sighs that he "can't break through" to Landon no matter what he tries, and Martha suggests that he try being nice and telling Landon he cares about him. Driscoll says that's not going to work with troubled kids, as they are master manipulators and will use any sign of weakness against him. Martha tells Driscoll Landon's sad life story: dead mother, no father and probably no good male influence in his life. Martha thinks Landon just needs to know that someone is on his side.
Ugh, boring! Let's just look at a blown-up picture of naked Chase on a makeshift screen Chase made ou
t of a bedsheet instead. Is this really something he wants to do at work? Especially since his work is all glass walls? Although House has probably made sure that everyone who works at PPTH knows about and has seen the picture already. Chase calls Taub in to examine the picture, hoping that the same sharp eyes that picked up a hotel logo on the towel and thus let Chase know where the picture was taken in the first place will see something else that can help him identify whoever took it. Taub isn't interested, suggesting that Chase just forget about this and figure this kind of thing happens when you sleep with three girls in one night. Chase says that's rich coming from a guy who cheated on his wife several times. Ultimately, Chase's plan pays off as Taub gets an idea. He takes a picture of Chase from several heights with his camera phone until he gets one that basically matches the angle the original picture-taker took the picture from. Based on that angle, Taub guesses, the woman Chase is looking for is short. Thank you, CSI: Princeton.House arrives at Cuddy's house for dinner early, all the better to sneak off and play with Rachel while Cuddy finishes making the food. Cuddy doesn't find House's desire to spend time with her daughter at all suspicious because she is stupid now, and once inside Rachel's room, House grabs a bag of toys he was hiding beneath her windowsill that are identical to the ones in the preschool playroom. Rachel isn't interested in playing with the new toys, and House mutters that she is a moron. Yeah, that won't traumatize her or anything. Cuddy is insane for leaving House alone with her daughter. House knocks Rachel's block tower over and shoves her old toys away, which is just mean, and tries again to get her interested in the preschool toys. She tries to eat one of them.
Chase arrives at who I'm assuming is the shortest of the three's apartment. She's surprised to see him, then worried that he's here to tell her he gave her herpes or something. He immediately accuses her of taking the naked picture, which she claims to know nothing about, forcing him to show it to her. It also gives him a glimpse of her living room, which is all pink and full of hearts and kittens in a way no sane adult would possibly decorate. She informs us that the picture of Chase has indeed been altered, but says she didn't take it. And she wasn't even the right height to take that picture since she was wearing high heels the entire time she and Chase were together. And she wouldn't have since she wasn't upset about anything that happened between them and, in fact, wouldn't mind if it happened again.
The day, Chase tells his co-workers all about the woman's apartment and also that he slept with her again. As House enters, they change the subject back to Driscoll, noting that none of their tests showed anything and his heart rate is getting worse. All of the Cottages get a page, but it's not about Driscoll this time: it's from the ER.
Whoever runs the ER now that Cameron is gone shows them to a recent admit with the same symptoms as Driscoll: Landon. Oh, I guess I was wrong about him being just a red herring after all. I should have known when I realized he was the guy from Everybody Hates Chris that his part would be significant.
So they put Landon in the same room with Driscoll and ask them what they might have come into contact with that no one else in the camp has. Taub suggests something like toothpaste or deodorant, which gets a laugh from Landon, who says Driscoll doesn't use deodorant. Driscoll tells Landon to shut up, but Landon says he can do whatever he wants, since Driscoll isn't in charge of him at PPTH. Taub sighs.
In the meeting room, Chase gets a delivery of a bouquet of flowers. House immediately steps up to claim it, and the Cottages wonder what that's about while Martha tries to do her job and suggest infections that Driscoll and Landon might have picked up from their environment. House turns them all down, then reads the card that came with the flowers out loud: it's a thank you from the Chairman of the Board and his new wife for Chase's generous donation to their wedding charity. "Aw!" Martha says, still having no idea of the evil and general assholishness that lurks in the hearts of her co-workers and thinking Chase would actually donate generously to any charity. Chase never made any donations that he's aware of, but apparently the girl who hacked into his Faceplace account also remembered the number on his credit card and used that to make the donation. Chase runs to a computer to find out just how generous his donation was while Martha suggests that he simply call his credit card company and take back the donation. Foreman doesn't think that will fly with the Chairman of the Board. Eh, so what? It's not like Chase can look that much worse to the Chairman than he already does.
At some point during all of this, the team comes up with a diagnosis of Lyme disease for their patients. Chase finally finds out how much he gave to the charity: $2500. Eh, could be worse. It could have been $25,000. House suggests that he find the girl doing this to him and marry her while the other Cottages treat Landon and Driscoll for Lyme Disease.
Driscoll swallows his new Lyme Disease pills while flipping through the channels. He refuses to watch Landon's pick of Jersey Shore, while Landon refuses to take any of Martha's pills, saying he'd rather see if they work for Driscoll first. Martha decides to show Driscoll that the kind approach works on Landon, and says all she wants to do is make Landon better, and she "truly believes" the medicine she's giving him will do that. But it's his choice whether or not he wants to take it. Landon decides to take the pills, then politely asks Martha for another pillow for his bed. She gives him one and walks out feeling triumphant. Apparently, she taught Driscoll a lesson, as he tosses the remote to Landon and says he can pick what he wants to watch.
Wilson finds House and Rachel on the floor of his office, playing with more of those preschool toys. Wilson mutters about the weirdness of the whole situation while House decries Rachel's motor skills, which he compares to "the Hulk wearing oven mitts." He says he has to spend this time with Rachel now because Cuddy throws the kid in bed by 7:30 every night. I'm surprised it's not earlier, actually. Like, she has the nanny put Rachel in bed before she even gets home from work. Rachel finally manages to put a toy banana in a monkey's mouth, which earns her a cheese doodle along with a clicking sound from a device in House's hand. House explains to a curious Wilson that it's a dog training clicker, which he believes will hasten Rachel's learning. Wilson doesn't think dog training clickers work on children, but then Rachel immediately puts another banana in the monkey's mouth and earns another doodle and Wilson has to admit that House's methods are effective. But Wilson still has questions: how did House get Rachel to PPTH? House says he lied to the nanny that he and Rachel are working on a "secret art project" for Cuddy, which he'll get by stealing one from a pediatric patient because I guess he hasn't been horrible enough to innocent children this week.
House may not be working, but at least he's actually at work, unlike Chase, who left the hospital to talk to another one of the women he slept with. He says he knows she took the picture because he gave her his credit card to pay for some drinks they ordered to the room. Woman #2 says she gave the card back and didn't take any pictures of him, but she must admit to being hurt that Chase never asked for her phone number, since she thought he was "obviously" more interested in her than the other girl in their threesome. And with that, a male voice from inside the house calls out to her. "Just a minute, Dad!" she calls back. Chase looks horrified. "You live with your parents?" he asks, very quietly. "Just until graduation," she says. "College?" he asks hopefully. Not so much. Woman #2 is actually Girl #2, and won't be 18
until month. Wow. Way to go, Chase. Also, way to go, Girl #2's parents. Surely they were at the wedding, too? And didn't wonder where their daughter disappeared to? Or notice that she was consuming alcoholic drinks? Who even brings a 17-year-old to a wedding of a family friend or work colleague anyway? I'm guessing Girl #2 isn't exactly family, what with her being white and both the bride and groom being black. Chase still doesn't believe Girl #2 isn't behind this, but she says she isn't even allowed to use social networking sites like Faceplace because her parents are afraid she'll meet sexual predators. So they're overly strict about her activity online, but they'll let her roam free at a wedding reception? Good job, parents.Landon attempts to escape from PPTH, despite the fact that he's still in pain and that Driscoll is in the same room as him and trying to rat him out by calling on someone to stop Landon from leaving. Driscoll can't just tackle him himself because he's been tied to the bed since he tried to kill Martha. Foreman happens to be nearby and stops Landon before he can get far. A security guard wanders up eventually and takes over holding Landon back, causing him to drop the car keys that were in his hand. Martha recognizes them as her car keys, which Landon was presumably going to use to escape. Her attempt to show him that adults can be positive and kind didn't work after all -- he just saw it as an opportunity to distract her so he could steal her keys out of her pocket. Why is she putting them in her pocket in the first place? And how does whatever ridiculous outfit she's wearing today even have pockets? Foreman and Martha leave Landon to tend to Driscoll when he suddenly begins to cry out in pain. His legs hurt.
After the break, Foreman tells us that Driscoll's leg pain was a muscle cramp caused by low sodium which was, in turn, caused by kidney dysfunction. Well, at least Driscoll didn't pee blood, which is the usual sign of kidney problems on this show. Since neither Driscoll nor Landon are doing any better with the Lyme disease treatment, they can rule that out as a diagnosis. But Martha is more concerned with how she thought she was getting through to Landon, only for him to steal her stuff. And so it was that Martha was given her usual lesson in human behavior. Stay tuned for week when the same thing happens.
Taub just wants to know why House is painting a toy with hot sauce. House says it's to discourage a certain someone from chewing on the toy. Burning a kid's mouth to teach her a lesson? What is he, Lisa Whelchel? I think that might count as abuse. Way to leave your kid with that, Cuddy. Also, Martha is wearing bright red leggings today. On what planet is that proper doctor attire? Or proper anybody attire? I guess if House can walk around wearing T-shirts and jeans and Cuddy can wear, like, nothing, then Martha's outfit is okay at PPTH.
She suggests arsenic poisoning, adding that she still has faith in human kindness since even if her interaction with Landon didn't help Landon, it had an effect on Driscoll, who was much nicer. House says arsenic is stupid, as is Martha's belief that she did and said anything to influence Driscoll's behavior. With that, he licks the toy and suffers the effects of hot sauce, which seem to be pretty unpleasant. This pleases him, as he knows the same thing will happen to Rachel. Martha whines about how she really did change Driscoll while Taub comes up with botulism poisoning, saying it could have been in the soil and gotten into both Driscoll and Landon's bloodstreams through their open wounds coming into contact with it. House says that sounds fine to him, and to treat them both for it.
Landon sort of apologizes to Martha, saying he had to take what could have been his only chance to escape PPTH and therefore the camp and Driscoll. Martha doesn't seem to care, saying Landon stole from her. Driscoll adds to the conversation by saying all of the kids at his camp are "manipulators" and you can't let your guard down around them. Landon takes exception to this, saying he's not like the "losers" at the camp. Martha thinks so, seeing as he stole her car keys and all. Wow, she certainly did change her opinion as soon as Landon's actions directly affected her. Landon says he may have "screwed up," but he's never been in any legal trouble; he came to Driscoll's camp when he was caught shoplifting petty things from a store by the storeowner, who then called Landon's DCS caseworker. Martha finds this strange, asking Driscoll why Landon is at Camp Misery when every other kid there was sent by a court order. Driscoll says he doesn't know.
Ugh, more of Chase. He finds the third and final girl, who also denies taking the picture of him. Also, like the other two girls, she doesn't look black, so ... which one is supposed to be the Chairman of the Board's niece? I guess he or his wife have white relatives after all? Anyway, Woman #3 is at least of age, although she has a boyfriend, and had him when she hooked up with Chase and the seventeen-year-old, which is just as wrong of her as it was of Chase. Maybe moreso, since I'm assuming that she actually knew the girl beforehand and thus must have also known that she was in high school. Chase thinks Woman #3 is making her boyfriend up so he won't figure out that she took the picture and hacked into his Faceplace account, so she shows Chase a picture of the guy she cheated on to prove that he's real, taken at her sister's recent birthday. For some reason, she chose to frame and display a picture of her and her boyfriend making out while her sister stands right to them and stares creepily into the camera.
Martha's been doing some investigating on her own. She called Landon's DCS caseworker, and tells House that she figured out why Driscoll started being nicer to Landon -- and, she admits, it had nothing to do with what she said to him. Meanwhile, House is just like, "wait, what? What patient? I haven't been paying attention to my job all season now." Martha comes up with an excuse and wheels Landon and his bed out of the room so House can speak with Driscoll privately. House opens by saying Landon looks just like his mother, he assumes, since he clearly doesn't look like his father. Mostly because Landon is black and Driscoll is white, but House (well, Martha, actually) figured out that Driscoll is his long-lost father based on the fact that the DCS worker told them that Driscoll paid for Landon's stay at the boot camp, unbeknownst to Landon. I get that biracial kids can look more like one race than the other, but if they were going to go this route, why not cast a kid who looks like he could be biracial or actually is biracial? Because Tyler James Williams, who plays Landon, is not. So it's a little hard to believe, but whatever. Driscoll admits that House is right, but begs House not to tell Landon.
Back in the meeting room, House is a wee bit annoyed that they wasted all that time trying to figure out a link between Driscoll and Landon because Driscoll didn't just tell them about their genetic one. Now it might be too late, as they aren't responding to the botulism treatment and Landon is having seizures. Foreman doesn't think the fact that Driscoll and Landon are related is medically relevant either, pointing out that genetic conditions surface based on relatives' age, not proximity. Chase says there could be some kind of trigger setting off whatever genetic condition father and son have, saying the fact that they're related "can't be a coincidence." With that, he gets his own Epiphany Face. But it's not a diagnosis, so House tells him to sit back down and re-focus. When the Cottages come up with a new diagnosis that it won't be anyway, House lets Chase go off and confront his Faceplace hacker.
Martha can't hook up an IV bag to Driscoll without asking him why he didn't step forward to take care of Landon when his mother died, like that's any of her business. Driscoll says he didn't find out until months after she died and Landon was already in foster care. He was trying t
o think of a way to approach him when Landon got in trouble of shoplifting and he saw his in. "You need to tell him," Martha urges. Driscoll refuses, saying he'd rather wait until he isn't on death's door and he's gotten Landon on "the right path" before coming clean. Martha thinks Landon needs a father more than he needs a drill instructor. Yeah, I'm sure Landon will be thrilled to find out that the man he hates is actually his father, who has apparently been deliberately absent from his life all this time. Landon really needs that.House and Cuddy are at Waldenwood for Rachel's test playdate thing. House makes sure to wear a cap and his jacket collar way up, all the better to hide his face from that teacher when she walks by. Fortunately, a different teacher was placed in charge of Rachel, and she walks Rachel out and reports that Rachel "played with everything" and "is a very clever girl." Perhaps too clever, as the teacher wonders if an overzealous parent might have coached Rachel, since she took to the toys so quickly and even knew the name of one of them. Of course, Cuddy has no idea about any of this, and even promises the teacher that she didn't coach Rachel. Yeah, like you can believe a parent. Much to House's horror, though, Cuddy asks Rachel directly if she's ever played with any of those games before. Rachel looks at House, then says "no, Momma." House is delighted.
He runs back to PPTH and tells some random Clinic patient all about it, saying Rachel "seems so dumb" but when push came to shove, she knew to lie and lie well. The patient, who is trying to claim that he cut his leg getting into his work truck when he actually did it in his private greenhouse and was hoping, apparently, to collect some workmans comp (by going to a free clinic... ?), assumes that House is talking about his own kid, but House is quick to say she isn't, then just as quick to keep talking about how awesome Rachel is at lying. When he goes to inject the trucker with some anesthetic prior to stitching up the wound, he gets his Epiphany Face.
He runs to Driscoll and Landon's hospital room and asks Landon about his head wound and the process of stitching it closed. Landon says he was given a shot to numb the area, and House says that drug was the trigger that gave him an attack of his disease of variegate porphyria. Driscoll's attack was triggered by the antihistamine overdose. All Landon has to say about this is to marvel at the coincidence of both him and Driscoll having the same genetic condition. Not to mention the coincidence of it being triggered in the same week. Oh, and how amazing it is that Driscoll would have made it 38 years or so on this planet without coming into contact with those trigger drugs before. House says that sure is a crazy coincidence, and Driscoll says nothing. Martha speaks up and says they can treat it with hematin and possibly even cure it with a liver transplant. Driscoll finally speaks up to ask if he and Landon can split one donor liver between them. Martha says they could, if their blood and tissue types match. Landon doesn't see the likelihood of that until Driscoll admits that he is Landon's father. Martha and House decide to leave the room at this point. Oh, no, wait -- they just walk to the other side of the room. They're still there to interfere. Landon says he doesn't believe Driscoll, but House says white men can be bad fathers, too, and he doubts that Driscoll would lie about being Landon's dad since Landon isn't much of "a catch" to have as a son.
Chase tracks down the woman responsible for his misery. It's Woman #3's sister, the same woman we saw in the photograph and who shared a room with her sister during the wedding and walked in on the action. That was when she took the picture. Chase angrily accuses her of being an "overly protective sister," but Psycho Lady says it has nothing to do with Woman #3, but with the fact that Chase doesn't even remember chatting her up during the reception. Psycho Lady, of course, does, and takes a trip down memory lane with him. They hit it off, and as soon as Psycho Lady said she never sleeps with guys on the first date (which ... why would that come up in casual conversation anyway?), Chase went to the bathroom and never came back. She's hoping a little "negative reinforcement" will make him less of an asshole to women. Um, I think Chase should give her some negative reinforcement by having her arrested for using his credit card like that. I think $2500 makes it a felony, too. Instead, he asks her out on a date, no sleeping with him necessary. "Not on your life," she says. Yeah, like she's a catch.
Landon and Driscoll are feeling better, but Landon seems to want nothing to do with his new father. Driscoll says he'll wait until Landon is ready to talk. "You're my son. I'm not going anywhere," he says. Yes, and Landon can really trust that what with Driscoll being anywhere but with Landon for the first 16 or so years of his life.
Playing with Rachel in her room, Cuddy is still none the wiser about her boyfriend and daughter's deceptions. Not that it matters; apparently, although Waldenwood loved Rachel, they don't have room for her. So... why have her and the other kids test there at all if they didn't have room for new students? I think they're just letting Cuddy down easy. After all that, House has to console Cuddy about her daughter not getting into the school. This time, though, he seems to know what to say and believe what he's saying as he tells her that Rachel is smart and will "be fine." With that, Rachel curls up in House's lap. Stockholm Syndrome, perhaps?
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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