By Montykins
House does, in fact, appear to really be in jail. But he's five days away from getting paroled! What could possibly go wrong? Well, for one thing, he's in debt to some Nazis to the tune of twenty Vicodins, which results in a certain amount of scrambling and hoarding and taking the Vicodin himself. And then there's his homicidal cellmate, who has a very sick cricket.
Oh, and there's the requisite medical mystery, which starts, as is traditional, with House thinking that it's lupus. The power dynamic is an interesting change, because he's just a prisoner and isn't even technically allowed to see the patient's file. But he's still House, so he just bullies the (young, female) prison doctor until he gets what he wants. So it's not really all that different, except that she has the power to order him into solitary confinement, which I don't remember happening before.
In the end, House gets the Vicodin but doesn't give it to the Nazis. Then he purposely loses his chance for parole because he'd rather be proven right. And than he does get sent to solitary, where it's just House, his thoughts, and a note saying he was right. He probably considers this the perfect result.
Did you miss any of Season 7? Catch up in the most painless way possible with this special video recap from The Morning After:
Welcome back! House (or "House, M.D." if you're nasty) is, indeed, still getting recapped. But there are a few changes you should be aware of. First off, I am not Sara M. Sorry! Instead, I am Montykins, and that's just going to have to be good enough. Second, House is now receiving "weecaps" instead of "recaps." That means they're going to be shorter, but you'll get them the day after the episode. It also means they'll be written in great haste, so there's probably not going to be a great deal of in-depth analysis. There will still be jokes.
Okay, with that out of the way, where did the show leave off? Oh, that's right: House drove his car into Cuddy's dinner party and then fled to some island or something. And then Lisa Edelstein was off the show, but that's out-of-show knowledge.
We open on the news that House has been in jail for 8 of 12 months and has displayed "good...ish" behavior. He's up for parole and unconvincingly claims to be sorry for what he did. Then he reverts to House-like behavior and objects to the idea of showing remorse in front of the parole board. He claims that when he drove into Cuddy's house, he could see that no one was in the dining room. So everything's fine! The angry parole officer tells him he has to stay out of trouble for five days. Think he can do it?
MONDAY
House is in bed in his cell. A few feet away, a bald gentleman is pooping. House leaves his cell and wanders into the communal area, which is full of various prisoner types being prisoners. There's a lot of checkers in prison. More than in the outside world, I think. A guard calls out some names, ending with something that sounds like "Asalfa," who turns out to be House's cellmate. I looked it up on IMDB and it's really "Asofa." I'm just going to call him "House's cellmate," if that's okay. She's handing out medications, and House checks the pills to make sure they're correct. Someone objects, and he defends the concept of making sure his homicidal roommate has the right anti-psychotics. House gets his own meds and stays at the front of the line, checking people's prescriptions. The guy is named "Mendelson," and House sneaks him some drugs. Mendelson has a swastika tattoo, so House claims to be Jewish. Then he claims to be a black gay Gypsy. That House really knows how to make friends, doesn't he?
House passes a cell, and the resident calls out, "Knight to king's bishop three." House pauses and answers, "Queen to king's bishop seven." I used to do that with a friend in high school. We didn't actually play chess, but whenever we passed in the hallway, we'd exchange moves like that in a misguided attempt to make people think we were clever. At best, they thought we were on the chess team.
Wandering along the balcony, House is stopped by someone claiming to have weird pains in his elbows and knees. House says that the clinic is a large room, which is not himself. He arrives at his own cell where someone named "Rollo" is stealing all his tuna because House is going to be paroled. Oh! They're calling it tuna, but I bet these are those vacuum-packed mackerels that I've heard about. They use them as currency in prison because cigarettes are banned. House threatens violent reprisals based on his fifty-pound advantage and weapon-like cane. But Rollo points out that House can't cause trouble or he'll lose his parole. Exit Rollo, with his shirt stuffed with fish. By the way, Rollo is played by Nate Mooney, one of the McPoyle brothers on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Don't mess with the McPoyles, House. Those guys are crazy.
House's chess-playing pal joins him with some good advice: "You want to get back at these guys? Get out alive on Friday. Oh, and that was checkmate, right?" It was, apparently. It seems like House should have said something when he made his move, then.
House mops the bathroom. For some reason, the show doesn't make a big deal out of Mr. Big Shot Doctor being reduced to menial prison tasks. A peeing dude tells House he wants his stereo and headphones. Then he pees on the ground for House to clean up. Classy!
House enters the clinic area, where hospital things are going on. A lady doctor, who I will just go ahead and identify as Dr. Jessica Adams, is taking the pulse of the guy from earlier with the joint pain. She announces a prescription that House doesn't agree with, and he tells her that the patient doesn't have gonorrhea. She wants to know how he knows so much about medicine and her sarcastic boss (Dr. Sykes) says, "House used to be a doctor." And House will now use his famous diagnostic skills to decide that the problem with this patient, based on his "subtle eyebrow loss," is... lupus. Oh, very droll. Testing the new recapper out on an easy one, eh? I'm not falling for it. Adams doesn't buy it, due to a lack of something on the patient's face. House tells her to look for a body rash and trudges off. At least he got to say "dispositive," right? Sykes seems to have enjoyed watching House needle Adams.
House's portable stereo (well, portable radio, really) has "Property of House. Questions, call the New Confederates" on it. Those are the Nazis. House's friend tells him not to mess with Stomper. "He didn't get that name because he's a fan of Santa's reindeer." This distracts House, because he wants to argue about Santa's reindeer. Stomper apparently did something to someone named Diaz in the yard. He's easily set off. House gets a speculative look on his face. Then he hides his radio on a shelf in someone else's cell.
Stomper enters House's cell and demands his stereo. House claims that he dropped it off in Stomper's cell, but that Rollo followed him in and took it. Stomper doesn't think Rollo would dis him like that. House assures him that Rollo was talking trash and called him "Stompee." Stomper, well, stomps out. Offscreen, there's the sound of an altercation between Rollo and Stomper, who are led off somewhere. House happily listens to his radio and eats tuna. It's the good life for House, M.D.!
House's friend disagrees: "That was stupid." House doesn't care, because he plans to teach physics in the University of Fiji by the time Stomper and Rollo get out of solitary. "You have four days left. How many more tricks do you have?" House appears to wonders that himself.
TUESDAY
House is in bed. It's night. There's the sound of one cricket. He gets up and finds it under a sheet. His cellmate stops him from flicking it away. House sighs, because he has to deal with the frustration of having other people around him even when he's in prison. "Another pet? It's gonna end badly. Again." Apparently this has happened before. And it involved an eerie glare. That's pretty much all House's cellmate has brought to the party so far.
House finds the guy who stopped him (you know, the guy with the mystery illness?) and tells him to take his shirt off so he can find the rash he's sure is there. The sick guy accurately observes that the only reason House is interested is because he wants to prove Dr. Adams wrong, not because he cares. As he does a quick survey, the guy talks about Nicole, his girlfriend who won't talk to him. He drops his pants, which doesn't lead to any catcalls or wacky misunderstandings.
House rolls his cleaning supplies into the clinic. He tells Adams that "Lupus Boy" had a rash on his left thigh. She's looked House up and learned that he used to be an important doctor. She guesses that he's in jail for forging prescriptions. He isn't, but he should be. I'm kind of surprised she couldn't find out his actual crime. Shouldn't it be written down somewhere? He tells her that she's good and also that she should start Lupus Boy on Prednisone. "The name should have been a giveaway," he adds. Not satisfied with his smartness, he tells her she's a trust-fund kid who wants to make a difference but gets bored easily. He bases this on her expensive shoes which don't include leather. And her locket, which is vintage enough to mean Old Money. And the only time she hasn't looked bored is when they've talked about the diagnosis. "So, yeah. You'll treat him for lupus."
Mendelson summons House: "House. We want you." It's a meeting of goons. Because House is getting out soon, his tax goes up. He needs to hand over "all of them." Whatever they are, he should be on six; instead he's on four and hands over two. Mendelson wants more than House will actually receive, since he's counting the day's allotment. And if House goes for Protective Custody, Mendelsohn threatens him with friends on the outside. "Unlike you, I have friends on the outside." Couldn't House get out and then use some of his stored prescription pads to hook Mendelson up?
House finds a pal named "Porter," who's played, believe it or not, by Jaleel "Urkel" White and says he needs sixteen Vicodins. Porter is okay with that for two hundred bucks. But House has no friends on the outside, so Porter decides to demand House's tuna, stereo, and whatever else he's got. It is a deal!
Lupus Boy shouts in pain downstairs. He bumped into the wall, and now even the lightest touch is painful. House pokes him and declares that it is not, in fact, lupus. "Is that good?" "Does it feel good?" It doesn't appear to.
WEDNESDAY
House wakes up. He's in bed a lot in this episode. He checks under his pillow and finds a four-by-five pill holder with only one pill in it. He doesn't take it. He looks haunted. Sad House! "Sick?" asks his cellmate. No, he's just trying to get by on one Vicodin a day. No, his roommate's cricket is sick. "Fix him." Yes! Throw out all that other stuff. I demand that this show immediately become Gregory House, Insect Doctor. Let's do this!
House tells Adams that it's not lupus because "he broke his arm." Or, she suggests, he's got lupus and also got in a fight. House protests that it was a mere jostle. Admitting to fighting means going to the hole, but, according to House, "He has no reason to lie to me." Adams looks interested. House proposes a viral syndrome. Adams won't let him see the medical file.
See, this is an interesting change to the dynamics of this show. Normally, House bullies everyone and can get away with it because he's both a genius and the boss. But here, he doesn't have any of the power. He has to convince people to do things instead of just ordering them.
Okay, anyway, the patient has not been taking any medications. But he smokes (House noticed his yellow fingers) and thus might have lung cancer. Adams tells him that the X-Ray machine they have to share won't be here until Friday (another great change to the dynamics, since now House can't just test for whatever he feels like), and House says to start him on blood thinners. The doc thinks that proof and tests are a nice thing to include when throwing around treatments, so House goes off to "the proof store." He could just let Adams wait until Friday, but then House wouldn't be around to tell her how right he was.
In the general population area, House listens to the patient's chest while tapping it. That's some good old-fashioned doctoring! "You were right about Nicole," says the patient, who I don't think I should keep calling "Lupus Boy." "About me not caring? Thought so." House's friend walks by on his way to the yard and House asks him to bring back a cricket. "I'll try. But they spray so much pesticide, I'm surprised we're alive." House looks pensive. "Good point." Porter walks by and tells House that the Vicodin supply is dried up, because the New Confederates are getting all they can get their hands on. Because they're all getting new tattoos. That's what he said!
Adams listens to LB's chest. House tells her, "Now try an inch to the left." There's an acoustical shadow. "So I've for sure got lung cancer?" asks LCB (Lung Cancer Boy, for now). House says yes, Adams says no. House insists on blood thinners. Adams wants to try a clotting test, and House is surprised into admitting that it's a good idea. She cuts LCB's earlobe and says they'll check on it in a minute or so.
House follows Adams into her office. She asks if he's really leaving medicine and what he's going to do. No answer. She goads him into talking about physics and dark matter. Gregory House, Theoretical Physicist? I'm not sure about this plan. I'd rather watch the Insect Doctor show. She tells him he's got a gift for reading people and understanding them. "You gotta go back to medicine." Outside the window, LCB is covered in blood and has a question: "Hey! Is this supposed to happen?" Adams says, under her breath, "Cool!" I liked that scene, because the patient was surprisingly calm about the situation, considering that blood was gushing out of his ear and all over his shoulder. I like to imagine him sitting there, watching the blood pouring out and deciding that he should probably bother the doctors.
THURSDAY
House's cell. He tells his cellmate that the cricket might have pesticide poisoning, so he's using bicarbonate of soda to treat him. "This is where you say thank you. Or I say thank you for not killing me. ...thank you." This whole time, the cellmate has just been glowering at him from his upper bunk. The roommate spends more time in bed than House!"
House checks his pill collection. He has four pills.
He's let into the clinic office. There were no tumors on the X-Ray. I forget how they got an X-Ray ahead of time. Adams offers him Ibuprofen, which he declines. She offers to let him look at the medical file. He rejects the hypothesis of toxins on the grounds that this is the only one with symptoms. Just then! Sykes (the supervisor) comes in and confiscates the file. She's really not supposed to let prisoners look through medical files. Although I bet he could get the patient's permission.
House enters the patient's cell and says that he needs cotton swabs. He's got no time for this, claiming, "My girl's more important." House is angry, both because he's being thwarted in his attempt to be Dr. House and because this guy still has a life. He shouts various things, like "She's not your girl, you idiot!" and "Your life outside is over!" Finally, House is thrown out of the cell. The way that happens, incidentally, is by the guy saying, "Get out my house!"
Back in the clinic, Sykes is gone. House wants swabs for the laundry. Adams wants to know why he lied to her about what he's in for. He doesn't think it makes any difference what he did. She asks why he's in jail for driving a car into a house, what with the no priors and not hurting anyone. She doesn't think that's enough to get some time? He says, "I had a bad lawyer." She says they can't talk about the case anymore. House is let back out.
When House goes into his cell, he's thugged out by a goon. Mendelson enters. House starts making excuses: "I can't get all twenty. But when I get out..." Mendelson tells him he can't give him a pass because it would be showing weakness. He leaves, taking House's cane with him. House is utterly bereft. Poor House! The soundtrack has a fast heartbeat going, to show how bad off he is. He limps up to his chess friend's cell. "I need your help. Got any matches?" Nope. "How about a stick of gum?" House will also need "that" too. It's a pen, which his friend always carries around and never writes with. It's a shiv! That's Plan B, apparently.
STILL THURSDAY, I GUESS
House sticks the foil wrapper from the gum into a plug in the bathroom, uses the spark to ignite a toilet paper roll, and puts it in the sink on a towel. He enters the clinic (where are all the guards in this place?) and Adams asks what happened to his cheek. Just then! The fire alarm goes off and he snags a bottle of pills. Then he returns it, half-empty.
The patient wants to talk to House about the cotton swabs. He won't listen. He's done fixing people. And then he gets distracted by noticing that his patient's lips are swelling. He recently ate meat loaf, potatoes, and coffee. Then he goes into anaphylactic shock. House calls for the guards, but they're never around when you need one, right?. House has to make a hole so he can breathe. He uses the pen-shiv to poke a hole in his throat, and then flushes the blade down the toilet. Alvarez the Guard tells him to back up, but House successfully convinces Alvarez that he's performing a tracheotomy, not committing assault. "What's wrong with him?" "I have no idea."
House is in bed. It's night. There's a cricket chirping. He rubs his leg. Under his pillow, he has a full four-by-five thing of pills. We see that he's written some medical nonsense on the bottom of the upper bunk so he can stare at it while he lies awake and twitches. He pulls out the pills again and takes one. Then two. Then three. He probably should have stolen more than the bare minimum required to get the Nazis off his back.
FRIDAY
House sits up. He took four of the Vicodin last night. He pops a few more. Then he dumps the rest in the toilet and tells his cellmate that he's saving them from contraband charges. He knocks on the door and says he needs to go to protective custody.
As the guard leads him through the cafeteria, House sees someone drinking coffee. Suddenly, he decides he doesn't need Protective Custody and goes to the clinic instead. These are very patient guards, aren't they? House tells Adams, "It wasn't the food. It was the heat." The current answer is: Mastocytosis. Caused by hot liquids. Sykes says it's usually a skin disease, but Adams says it can hit any organ. He rejects bloodwork as a test, because Mastocytosis might not show up. House's proposal is: five aspirin! Sykes thinks that's crazy because if the patient does, in fact, have Mastocytosis, the aspirin will send him into anaphylactic shock. And the ACLU would characterize this as performing unauthorized experiments on prisoners. House says that he's a moron and a coward. He'll do it himself! Sykes doesn't take this at all well, and throws House out of the clinic, saying, "If I ever see you in here again, I will write you up and they will revoke your parole."
Adams stops House in the hallway. "Dr. House. Did you get all the Vicodin you needed?" She knows about exit taxes. He says he needs twenty. She hands it over right there in the hallway where anyone can see. But she won't let him into the clinic to help the patient. Whose name is Nick. Thank you! Nick it is, then.
House limps up to Mendelson and shows him a handful of pills. Mendelson tells him, "I knew if you'd learn nothing else in here, you'd learn that the smart thing is to fall in line." House looks around at all the people in there. He does love an audience. He nods a little, "You're absolutely right." He throws the pills into the air, which causes a slow-motion riot. Mendelson hits him a couple of times. House smirks, "Thanks for taking me to the clinic." Mendelson tells his goon to take him out. But he's only a couple years from going home, so he doesn't want to do Goon Work right now. Mendelson pushes him into it. House is held down. The goon gets a shiv. But then! House's cellmate whacks the goon from behind with a chair, and then starts hitting Mendelson. A lot. He's dragged off and SWAT comes in.
Clinic. There's a disturbance in the room, which brings all the guards over there. House asks Adams, "Where's the aspirin?" Adams realizes he got beat up to get in the clinic. House blocks the door so Sykes can shout at him but not stop him. Adams tells him that he had no lawyer and took the first deal that came along "You think saving this one guy will wipe your slate clean?" House has crushed five aspirin and mixed them with water. When Nick drinks it, he should get an attack almost immediately. Guards bust in at the last second. As House is dragged away, he hands the cup to Nick. Nick doesn't have time to drink it. Adams then gives the cup to Nick. Sykes is angry: "You're fired. You're beyond fired. You're completely unhirable anywhere. You understand that?" "Yes. Now shut up and let's see if he has an attack."
Tense pause! Even the guards, who have no reason to know what's going on, are watching intently. House says, "Just a little more time."
Nothing. Sykes: "Get him out of here."
SATURDAY
House is in solitary. Still in bed, though. A food tray is slid in. It has a note. It reads, "You were right!" That's all House ever wants to be told. He smiles happily.
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