By Sara M
A kid with both male and female DNA whose parents chose to raise him (and have the appropriate surgeries) as a male without telling him about his condition collapses after making the game-winning shot at a school basketball game. Hadley the Bisexual immediately identifies with him, and after finding a possibly suicidal poem in his room, decides that he should know the truth about his condition. The parents are livid, as their son/daughter does not take the news well. Then it turns out that he has a terminal illness, and the suicidal poem was actually just a homework assignment to write in the style of Sylvia Plath. Oops! Hadley tries to make up for it by figuring out that it isn't the terminal illness after all, and then House finally figures out that it's just simple dehydration, the effects of which lingered longer than usual because of all the sports drinks s/he drank. When they gave him/her a contrast MRI at the parents' behest to look for a blind uterus (something that House assented to even though he knew it wasn't the problem), the kidneys couldn't filter out the contrast effectively enough and it spread all over his/her body, shutting down various organs as it went. S/he will be fine after some dialysis. Meanwhile, House is acting nice to people and even assenting to the patient's parents' demands, which makes everyone suspicious. Then he stops breathing during a nap in his office, and Wilson figures out that he's using heroin as a painkiller. He's wrong -- it's actually legal and doctor-prescribed methadone, and it's taken House's pain entirely away, so much so that he can walk without his cane. Cuddy refuses to let him work at PPTH while on life-risking methadone, though, so he quits(!), shaves(!!), and wears a suit(!!!). Wilson decides that his friend is finally happy, and that's worth possibly losing him to a methadone overdose, so Cuddy hires House back. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, since he decides to give up the methadone because it dulled his senses and made him agree to the MRI that almost killed his patient, and he'd rather be a brilliant miserable diagnostician than a pain-free and happy but not-so-special one.
We open in a dark hospital room. It turns out these were not the best conditions to deliver a baby, as the one the two new parents got has both male and female DNA. A doctor explains that the condition is called genetic mosaicism, and the baby should live a perfectly normal life as soon as they fix up hisher genitals. Mom, ensconced in darkness, asks for clarification on that point. "Made to look more typical," the doctor says. Mom is still confused, since she doesn't even know what the sex of her baby is. What part of "male and female DNA" doesn't she understand? The doctor says they get to choose. They might want to turn a few lights on before they do that.
And then it's twelve years later, and House kicks off March Madness a little early with a middle school basketball game. Our s/he baby is now a seemingly normal boy, although when he gets the chance to make a shot, he chickens out and passes it instead. What a girl! He gets the ball again and another chance to shoot, and just as time runs out, he scores the winning point. Every boy's dream come true! But stalling to make it come down to the last second like that did have a certain dramatic flair, so, what a girl! His parents cheer until their son doubles over clutching his stomach before collapsing on the ground.
House isn't even on this show anymore, so we go to morning at Hadley's apartment instead as she and Foreman get dressed for work. Hadley asks Foreman if she should wear boots or heels to work. Foreman says he's "a fan" of her heels, so she chooses the boots, saying that House probably knows that and they have to keep pretending they've broken up. Also, didn't House once refuse to hire someone awesome because she wore heels to the interview? Why does this not also apply to Hadley?
Amazingly enough, House is already at work, although he isn't actually working. He's having breakfast with Wilson, and asks for Wilson's leftover bagel. Wilson is flabbergasted; House has never asked him before taking his food before. "Yes we can," House says as Cuddy comes marching up with a new case. It's Jackson the boygirl, who has "persistent pelvic pain." "Fun!" House says, reaching for the file. Cuddy rains on his parade and says he's not allowed to tell Jackson about his female DNA problem, on orders from the parents. House says that's less fun, but he'll still take the case. He grabs the file and walks off, leaving Wilson and Cuddy to wonder what's up with his new attitude.
It's not that new, since when House hands the files out to his Cottages, he makes sure to remark that a "part girl, part boy" is Hadley's "dream date." Yeah, except for the fact that he's twelve! Although Hadley with Jackson would still have more chemistry and be more exciting to watch than Hadley with Foreman, so why not? Foreman offers a diagnosis of dehydration, but Kumar has read slightly further in the file than him and notes that the ER already tried giving him fluids, and it didn't help. Taub doesn't understand why they aren't foolishly limiting themselves to diagnoses related to Jackson's genetic condition. Then he offers up a bunch of intersex-related diagnoses that don't work with the particular condition Jackson has. Shut up, Taub. Kumar wonders if the testosterone shots Mom and Dad are making Jackson take have anything to do with the symptoms, to which Hadley corrects him that they're supposed to call the testosterone "vitamins," according to a note in the file. Yeah, that's worked so well for our top baseball stars. And guess what? Hadley is morally outraged that Jackson's parents are lying to him and expect his doctors to do the same. House says that's not his problem -- the Cottages will do all the lying for him. Taub thinks it makes sense that the parents would want to wait until they thought Jackson was old enough to deal with what will have to be upsetting news to tell him. Uh oh -- Hadley has a Personal Connection to this kind of thing, as her father also waited until she was older to tell her that she could have Huntington's. Well, she handled it so well as an adult, I'm sure she would've been just fine hearing about her possible death sentence as a child. House tells her to stop relating everything to her own problems, and Hadley offers up a diagnosis of a blind uterus and says they should give Jackson an MRI. This is Foreman's cue to shoot down her diagnosis in the most sarcastic way possible so as to convince House of their continued non-dating. He says he's sure Jackson has been checked for a blind uterus before and he thinks the pelvic pain is due to complications from the surgery on Jackson's genitals twelve years ago. House agrees that an MRI would be a waste of time and tells the team to stick a camera up Jackson's penis instead.
They're on their way out the door when Jackson's parents enter, having somehow found House's office despite his daily routine of turning the arrow signs the lead to it to point to the wrong direction. House takes their presence remarkably well with only a mildly snide remark. Mom starts in with asking about giving their son an MRI for the blind uterus they suspect he has. "Did you send them a text?" House asks Hadley. Hee. Dad says that they've done a lot of research into their son's condition, and WebMD.com says it's a blind uterus. House shrugs and says they'll do a contrast MRI right away, much to Kumar's surprise. While the others file out, he reminds House that he just said an MRI was a waste of time. "So is arguing with them," House says. Yeah, but it's a lot more fun.
Jackson gets his MRI of DOOOM!! that quickly turns into Taub asking Hadley about her relationship with Foreman in the booth. Ugh, who cares? Why does he? Hadley says she's sure that she and Foreman will be able to handle their break-up in a professional manner. Taub starts making fun of Foreman, saying he's like a robot and he never understood what Hadley saw in him anyway. For real, Taub. His diagnosis of Jackson might have sucked, but his diagnosis of Foreman is right on the money. He keeps going, giving Hadley his impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life: , followed by his impression of Foreman on the saddest day: . Ha! It's true, too, but not because of Foreman's personality. It's because Omar Epps has been sleepwalking through his scenes since, like, Season 3. Hadley says she's not quite up to mocking Foreman yet, and Taub says that House did Hadley a favor by forcing her to break up with Foreman. He didn't do me any favors, since now that they're fake broken up they have more screentime than ever. With that, Hadley says Jackson's body is blind uterus-free and ends the session. That's good news for Jackson; I don't know what a blind uterus is, but I have one that presumably is sighted and it's a pain in my freaking ass every month. I can't imagine how much more difficult a special needs uterus would be.
Kumar makes an unusual visit to Wilson's office. He's concerned about House and thinks that Wilson, as House's baby-sitter, should know. Wilson assumes House is being a jerk again, but Kumar says it's just the opposite -- he's being nice, assenting to unnecessary MRIs just to make his patient's parents happy. That's still being a jerk to their health insurance company, though. Wilson doesn't think much of this, saying House could simply be in a good mood thanks to a great cup of coffee or "a tremendous bowel movement." Kumar should stop worrying about it and enjoy it while it lasts. He probably won't, now that he has that mental image of a tremendous bowel movement floating around in his head. Kumar leaves, and Wilson looks Concerned.
Jackson's in for a fun time now! They're going to fill his bladder with saline and then shove a camera up his penis and look for any narrow spots in his urethra. Jackson requests having his parents in the room for this, and Hadley says she figured he'd be embarrassed to have them here. Seriously, though. I didn't want my parents in the room when I was having annual check-ups from the age of, like, six. Jackson just says he's pretty sure they've seen him naked before, so it's no big deal. Yeah, but ... I'm pretty sure things have changed a bit since the time they were bathing you. Or maybe not, if you have genetic mosaicism. The parents enter and stand right in front of their son's open legs, like, way to position yourselves where you can get the best view. Geez. Jackson calls his mother to his side, and she tries to make him feel better while he experiences what have to be some truly unpleasant sensations. Taub starts checking out the urethra, and Jackson complains that it "feels tight." Hadley assures him that's normal, but he means his chest feels tight. His monitors start beeping, and Jackson Shatners that he "can't ... breathe ... can't ... breathe!" "Is he okay?" Dad asks. Uh, yeah, sure thing, Dad. Not being able to breathe is usually a sign of good things to come. Taub realizes that they're looking at a pericardial effusion, which Hadley quickly fixes by stabbing at the area with a syringe to drain the fluid around Jackson's heart.
Cuddy is also in the Clinic. It turns out that she instructed some nurse who isn't Evil Nurse Brenda to give House "the moron with the broken finger." Nurse says she did, and they've been in the exam room together for ten minutes now. Cuddy says that can't be -- House would have figured out what was wrong with the patient and insulted him until he demanded another doctor seven minutes ago. But no -- as she watches, the idiot leaves the exam room with a brace on his finger and kind parting words for his doctor: "thanks, bro." Okay ... there's being an idiot, and then there's serious mental retardation. The guy didn't feel the pain in his finger at the time that he actually broke it? Or when it throbbed and swelled up for days afterward? He can't tell finger pain from limb pain? This makes no sense. House just nods and walks away, swinging his cane as he goes. Cuddy looks Really Concerned.
Hadley administers the drugs to Jackson, who wants to know what she's giving him. She says "some extra medicine" and then starts making conversation with him, because why have Taub or Kumar bond with a patient when we can give Hadley more screentime? Jackson admits that he's not really into basketball, but his mother made him do it. Hadley says her parents were like that, too, until one of them made Hadley's life really inconvenient by getting sick, thereby earning Hadley's hatred and disgust forevermore. Jackson reveals that he really wants to take dance classes (GIRL ALERT!!!) but his mother wasn't having that and forced him to do basketball instead. And Jackson's father went along with whatever Mom wanted. With that, Hadley notices that Jackson's palms are red. Jackson asks what that means. "We still don't know what's wrong with you," Hadley says. Way to scare the shit out a child, Hadley. She really has no concept of what to say and what not to say to kids, huh?
In a hilariously overdramatic scene, Cuddy bursts into Wilson's office and somberly reports that House is, in fact, in a good mood.
Kumar gets some lines for a change, but they're about Foreman and Hadley, of course. He finds Foreman alone in the meeting room and says it's too bad things didn't work out with the Super Couple, but it's probably for the best since Hadley's bisexual, so there's twice the opportunities for her to cheat on him. Kumar continuities that like two days before she started dating Foreman, Hadley was having one-night stands with random women. "You really think you can compete with that?" Kumar says. Ha! Foreman looks Concerned.
Meanwhile, in House's office, Wilson and Cuddy have arrived to confront House, who's trying to nap here, people. How rude of them. He refuses to open his eyes at their commands, and Wilson thinks he's faking being asleep until he kicks House's chair and his head lolls to the side. Uh oh. Kumar and Foreman notice something's wrong as Wilson and Cuddy crouch over House. Wilson takes his pulse and says he's not breathing. Hooray! Wilson gets to do CPR on him like he's always dreamed! Cuddy tells Kumar and Foreman, who have run into the room at this point, to call a code. Kumar does, but Foreman uses his neurologist skills to determine that if House isn't breathing but still has a weak pulse, then all he has to do to get things going again is rip open House's shirt and give him a double titty twister. It works -- House screams himself awake and gasps for air. "You stopped breathing!" Wilson says immediately, like, I think House figured that out when he woke up with an oxygen deprivation headache and also, give the guy a second to get the lungs going again. What a nag! Cuddy just says an exasperated "what the hell is going on?" Oh, like she doesn't know -- it's House health crisis #13,204,123,412! The man comes back from the dead every season. Just because it happened twice last season doesn't mean they're going to skip it this year.
After the break, House has an oxygen mask and a stern glare from Cuddy. He's back to his normal self, though, asking if she can perform CPR on his penis, which has stopped breathing. Another missed opportunity for Wilson! All the Cottages are in the office now, and Cuddy says House's pupils are looking good. House assures them that he's fine, except for his nipples. Foreman's just like: the entire time. House turns to Hadley and says he's glad she dumped Foreman before he could rip her nipples off. Also, he can apparently see her nipples through two layers of shirt and a lab coat. Has the near-death experience addled his brain or something? Cuddy's the one with the visible nipples all the time, not Hadley. He notices that Hadley is holding a folder with what he assumes are Jackson's lab results, but Hadley says he can wait until House isn't on the brink of death. Wilson speaks up and says House's non-concern about this must be because he knows why it happened. House chalks it up to too much Vicodin, then notices that Cuddy is listening to his chest on a stethoscope and decides to scream that he wants an update on his patient. Cuddy goes deaf, but she didn't stop breathing or anything, no one cares. Hadley says Jackson's liver and kidneys aren't functioning normally. Meanwhile, Kumar has checked his House Vicodin Daily Tally and it says that House didn't take any Vicodin today. Wilson then checks his House Vicodin Daily Tally and notes that House didn't take any yesterday at breakfast, either. House keeps trying to change the subject back to the patient, and Foreman finally comes up with a diagnosis of amyloidosis. Hadley shoots that down, saying Jackson's protein levels are normal. She thinks it's drugs and alcohol. House sends Kumar and Taub off to search Jackson's school and Foreman and Hadley off to search his home.
The Cottages leave, but Wilson and Cuddy stay. Wilson has his hands on his hips and looks all stern, so House takes off because he isn't in the mood for a lecture. As soon as he's out the door, Wilson tells Cuddy what he thinks is wrong with House: "he's on heroin." Cuddy thinks that's ridiculous, until Wilson gives her his proof: House is only happy when he's high and he isn't using his hands to support his bad leg when he moves it, which means he's taking something stronger than Vicodin. That's enough for Cuddy, who wants to know what they should do now. Start a grunge band?
Did you really think we were going to follow Kumar and Taub on their school search? Hell no! It's all about Foreman and Hadley in Jackson's bedroom. Meanwhile, they're wearing thick winter coats and the window in Jackson's room is wide open. Way to run up the heating bill, Jackson. That is such a girl thing to do. Hadley is concerned about House, but Foreman wants to talk about Hadley instead. Specifically, he wants to know if she misses sleeping with women. Hadley says she does. She misses sleeping with other men, too. And she's sure Foreman misses sleeping with other women. That's the whole thing about monogamy. Hadley compares it to being stuck eating the same flavor of ice cream for the rest of your life. She also compares Foreman to rocky road. I think he's more of a vanilla, though. So plain, so boring. The gist of it is that the fact that she's a bisexual doesn't make her any more or less likely to cheat on Foreman than if she was heterosexual. She asks Foreman why he's suddenly worried about her sexuality, and he admits that Kumar said she would dump him for another women. Hadley puts two and two together, saying that Taub was talking shit about Foreman to her today, too. Clearly, they're jerking them around because they know they never broke up. Or maybe it's just because they hate you guys because you get all the screen time, and they know the only way they can get any for themselves is to talk about your relationship. Anyway, this is bad news for Hadley and Foreman, since if Taub and Kumar figured it out, then House surely must have, too. Foreman knows House well enough to know that he'd handle that one of two ways: jerk them around or fire them. And since he isn't firing them, he'll jerk them around instead. Which is much better than being fired, so Foreman's happy. By the way, Jackson's room is full of posters about basketball and dance, including one plugging the Fox show So You Think You Can Dance? -- how has his mother allowed this? Wouldn't she have ripped them down with one hand while shooting him up with copious amounts of testosterone with the other? With that, Hadley finds a poem in Jackson's drawer.
She makes a copy of it and reads it aloud to House, who can't be thrilled about the impromptu poetry reading in his office. Anyway, here goes:
Untitled
by Jackson
I stand alone, my soul and me
the mask that others see.
A pain that tears and bites and
will not bend
Only when I sleep will it end.
House is pretending to be dead before she finishes the second line. Hadley almost falls for it, but Kumar's sitting around with an oxygen mask. House does not stand alone beneath the oxygen mask that others see, as Cuddy has assigned Kumar to baby-sit him and he's faking death in protest. House proclaims the poem a "downer. And medically irrellelel ... " Hadley falls for it again, so Kumar gets up to check on their boss. As soon as he gets close with the oxygen mask, House tells him to back off and requests that Hadley grabs his nipples. Hadley informs House that making them relive the moment where they crapped their pants isn't funny, but it's not like she was even there. That was like one of only scenes in the last two seasons that she wasn't in. Foreman decides to screw around with House by rubbing Hadley's shoulder and saying it's sweet that she's worried about him. How is that screwing around with House? By rubbing his face in the relationship you aren't allowed to have? Anyway, it wakes House up, and he says the poem doesn't mean anything. Hadley thinks Jackson might be suicidal. Based on one angsty teenage poem? Has she ever heard of Livejournal? Jackson's poem is downright cheerful compared to the woe-is-me-no-one-understands-my-unique-brand-of-pain stuff the kids write there. Taub runs in and says they found toxoplasmosis in Jackson's water bottle. Hadley volunteers to administer the necessary drugs.
But first, she's going to violate Jackson's privacy by showing his poem to his parents. How embarrassing. They're very upset to see that their son is in pain, with Mom putting a hand over her mouth like she always does when tragedy strikes and Practical Dad asking if they can get a therapist. Hadley doesn't think a therapist is necessary -- just a big dose of Truth from his parents. Uh ... I think a therapist might not be a bad idea, either, actually. The truth is a good thing, but that doesn't mean it's easy to hear. Mom insists that Jackson isn't ready to hear the truth, although Dad protests that it might help him stop feeling bad. Yes, I'm sure he'll be happy and secure in his identity when he finds out he's half-girl. Mom says if she knew it would help Jackson, she'd tell him. But there's a chance that it could make things even worse, and she doesn't want to take that chance right now while her son's vital organs are failing. Hadley says Jackson is looking for answers on why he feels different. Mom says every teenager feels different (true) and orders Hadley to re-start Jackson's testosterone. Hadley purses her lips to indicate anger.
Taub and Kumar are hanging out in the locker room together. I think Kumar should just take everything out of his locker and leave, never to return. Remember when he had a real movie career? He doesn't need this show and it's made it more than obvious that it doesn't need him. Foreman enters and asks why they're jerking him and Hadley around. Kumar smiles and announces that he just won the bet, and collects money from a sighing Taub. Apparently, Foreman gave the game away by smelling like Hadley's soap every morning. Kumar's nose is way too observant. I could not tell you what anyone I know's soap smells like. Maybe if they used way too much of it and didn't wash it off? Anyway, Foreman is shocked to learn that it was Kumar who figured them out and not House. So House wasn't jerking them around and didn't know that they were secretly dating. Until Foreman rubbed Hadley's shoulder right in front of him. Moron. Foreman informs Kumar that House is smarter than him (and Kumar is smarter than Foreman. Therefore, Foreman is the stupidest) and decides to make a call.
Wilson's phone rings. He's at a bar with House, and it appears to be the same bar that his girlfriend died picking House up from. What a pleasant trip down memory lane! Or maybe they just didn't change the bar set up enough for it to look different. Anyway, Foreman greets Wilson with "House is on heroin!" Wilson clearly can't talk about this right now, but Foreman barrels on, saying it explains House's breathing stoppage, good mood, and missing certain things. It does seem rather drastic for both Wilson and Foreman to jump to heroin, but House also took LSD to get over a headache once, so anything is possible. "We'll run some tests and I'll let you know," Wilson says. Foreman finally figures out that House is sitting right across from him and lets Wilson go. Meanwhile, House is still observant enough to spot the arrival of a shot of bourbon in front of his plate. Wilson ordered it to celebrate House regaining his ability to breathe again and they toast. But House frowns and puts the shot glass back down on the table without taking a drink. Wilson makes himself incredibly obvious by offering to get House a shot of something else if he doesn't like bourbon. House doesn't want a shot of anything -- he was expecting Wilson to lecture him about being more careful with his Vicodin ingestion. Instead, Wilson is throwing alcohol -- a respiratory depressant -- at him. Yeah, that is a little bit suspicious. House immediately deduces that Wilson thinks he's on heroin, and is testing him by offering him alcohol that House can't drink if he is on the drug unless he wants to stop breathing again. Wilson's busted, so he just asks House if he's right. As if House would tell him the truth. Instead, he drinks the shot and takes off.
Speaking of shots, Jackson notices that the shot Hadley's giving him looks just like the vitamin shots his parents give him. Doesn't Jackson ever wonder why his parents give him daily vitamin shots and his classmates just eat Flintstones every morning? Hadley shoots Jackson up, then decides that she can't take it anymore and tells him that it isn't vitamins. "What is it?" Jackson asks, worried. "I can't tell you that. You should ask your parents," Hadley says. Wow, Hadley sucks. I don't know if I agree with the parents not telling their son about the mosaicism thing and hiding it from him by lying like that, but they did, and this is definitely not the time, place, or person to be telling him the truth.
Did House really think that Wilson was just going to let him leave and not follow him? Please. Wilson finds House in an alley puking up his bourbon. House tries to play it off as bulimia, which isn't a good idea since it means that whatever's actually wrong with him must inherently be worse than bulimia. Wilson launches into the lecture to end all lectures, but House cuts him off mid-stream to deny that he's using heroin. Close enough, though -- it's methadone. Which is like heroin, but, as House points out, legal. Wilson points out that it's also twice as deadly. Really? Why would they give it to heroin addicts, then? They're better off with the heroin. Apparently, methadone is the most dangerous thing ever, as Wilson says it'll kill you if you mistime a dose, drink alcohol, or mix it with the wrong drugs. Does Wilson think that House is not aware of these things? He then foolishly assumes that House is using methadone to detox from Vicodin. Not so much, House says; methadone doesn't just help ease his pain. "It eliminates it," House says coolly. And to demonstrate just how much, he throws his cane in the dumpster and walks away, limp-free.
Guess who just got called into Cuddy's office? That's right -- Hadley. Jackson's parents are kind of pissed that she deliberately defied their orders. Hadley gets all self-righteous, saying she was sick of lying. And she didn't tell Jackson about his mosaicism, so it's totally cool. Mom wants Hadley off the case, and is shocked when Cuddy says she's sorry that Hadley put them in a bad position, but she will not take her off the case since she's "a valuable part of Dr. House's diagnostic team." Only in that she takes all the screen time away from the other members so that they may spend their time off-camera doing all the real work. Dad finally decides to take a stand and tell Jackson the truth. Mom doesn't think he's ready, but Dad's already out the door. She follows, and Hadley approaches Cuddy's desk with a tiny self-satisfied smirk on her face. She claims she's sorry and will stay away from Jackson from now on. "No, you won't," Cuddy says, pissed off; "in about fifteen minutes, you're the only person that kid's gonna trust. If he needs a hand to hold, make sure yours is available." Great. More screen time for Hadley.
Jackson's just heard the good news, and now he wants to know if he's a boy or a girl. "Some of your cells are male and some are female," Dad non-explains. "I'm a freak!" Jackson says. Dad says no, but the fact is that they didn't have another child after Jackson -- could it be because they were afraid this would happen again? Hmmmm? Jackson realizes that his parents have been lying to him for his entire life. "We were just trying to protect you," Mom says. "Leave me alone," Jackson says. He kicks them out of his room as a lone tear falls down his cheek. That went well.
House is trying to hide from everyone by sitting in a bathroom stall with his feet up. Ew. I'd rather be located than hide by sitting on a public toilet seat. Cuddy finds him anyway, and asks if he's breathing. He says he isn't, but that's only because the bathroom smells like shit. Cuddy cuts right to the chase: she knows about the methadone. House says it's legal and he has a prescription. Cuddy says if the doctor who wrote it knew about House's complete and total inability to take drugs safely, he wouldn't have prescribed it. House plays the "I'm in pain" card, but it's not going to work this time. Cuddy reminds House that methadone is deadly serious. House says it's none of her business. Ooh, but the fact that he died on the clock kind of makes it Cuddy's business, and she won't let him work at PPTH as long as he's on methadone. House must have figured he'd be faced with this choice, as he exits the bathroom stall and says he'll send someone to get his things. Yeah, who? Wilson? Doubt it. Cuddy can't believe that House is calling her bluff. "You're choosing methadone over this job?" she says, shocked. "I'm choosing lack of pain over this job," House says. Well, lack of pain isn't going to be all that useful if you're dead, House. If the pain is bad enough that he'd rather quit PPTH and take a drug that could kill him than suffer through it, why doesn't he just CUT THE LEG OFF??? Then the pain would be gone, he'd keep his PPTH job, and he wouldn't need any methadone at all!
Hadley hangs out with Jackson. She urges him to talk to his parents again. He's not so keen on that, surprise, surprise. Hadley pulls up a chair. Jackson decides to talk to her about a guy on his basketball team he really likes. Now he's not sure if he likes Will or like likes Will. "Maybe I'm supposed to, because I'm really a girl," he says. Hadley decides against bringing up homosexuality and asks Jackson if he "feels" like a girl. "I like dancing more than basketball," he says. Hadley gets close and says she knows it's hard right now, but at least Jackson doesn't have to hide anymore. She quotes the poem and triumphantly whips it out of her coat pocket. "No matter how bad things get, killing yourself is never the answer," she says in her serious whisper. Jackson looks confused as he looks over the poem. Then: "this was an English assignment. We were supposed to write a poem in the style of Sylvia Plath." OOPS! Well, this is why you should always write your name on your paper. Otherwise, some snoopy doctor will find it and not realize it's a homework assignment and ruin your life. Jackson says he's sad sometimes, but he isn't suicidal. Or at least, he wasn't. Hadley looks like she wants to stick her head in an oven right about now, but Jackson feels even worse, as he suddenly barfs blood.
The Cottages frantically page House, but he's not answering. In fact, he tosses his pager in the trash and unpacks a brown paper bag on his bathroom sink. Inside is a small can of shaving cream and a disposable razor. I love it, but are we really supposed to think that House never shaves or owns any shaving equipment? He's got stubble -- not a four-foot-long beard. Anyway, I'm excited to see what he looks like without it. I'm guessing it'll be a lot like Hugh Laurie.
After the break, Foreman informs the Cottages that he is now in charge and House is out, although he doesn't know why or for how long. He gets back to work, and Hadley says Jackson's bloody vomit was caused by necrotizing pancreatitis, which sounds like bad news. Kumar is more concerned about House, though. Foreman tells him to keep his mind on the case. Hadley and Taub do just that, coming up with two diagnoses: Zollinger-Ellison syndrome (Hadley) and systemic scleroderma (Taub). Kumar wants to call House. Get over it, Kumar. Foreman tells them to put Jackson on proton pump inhibitors. If his condition improves, it's Zollinger-Ellison. If not, it's systemic scleroderma. Kumar and Taub take off, but Foreman holds Hadley back. He asks her if she's supporting her Zollinger-Ellison diagnosis because if it's systemic scleroderma, Jackson will die. "Patients die all the time," Hadley says. Yes, they do. Especially when Hadley's around. "Not the ones whose family you've ruined," Foreman says. What a shitty boyfriend! He tries to cover by saying he doesn't think that, but he knows Hadley does. He's right. She says Jackson had perfectly normal teenage feelings until she "started a fire and threw gas on it." But only figuratively, of course. Kumar's the one who does that literally. Foreman says she was trying to help. And the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Wilson arrives at House's apartment just as a pretty young lady is leaving. She says House is getting dressed and leaves, calling out to House that she'll be back around ten tonight. Wilson is sure to give her a wide berth as she passes so as not to contract herpes and asks House who that was. House says he hired her to watch him sleep. She's not a home nurse, though -- those cost too much, and keep trying to sue him for sexual harassment. Instead, he hired a prostitute. Where does House find all these well-dressed and put-together prostitutes? The ones I see are always addicted to crack and stuff. Wilson barely has time to process this before a truly shocking sight meets his eyes: A clean-shaven House wearing a suit. He asks Wilson which tie he should wear. It would have been hilarious if they'd given him a slight beard tan. Wilson doesn't know what to be more surprised about -- the fact that House shaved or the fact that he owns not one, but two ties. House says he's going to St. Sebastian's (Hugh Laurie has a very rare English slip here and pronounces it "Seb-ast-i-an") today to try to start up a diagnostics department there. NO WAY! How long have I been rallying to hear more about this St. Sebastian's?? For like three seasons now! Thank you, writers! And I KNEW it was like the Bizarro PPTH. They don't even have a diagnostic department, but if they get one, it will be run by the anti-House, who is clean-shaven, in a good mood, cane-free, and wears a suit!!! Wilson says he just stopped by to see how House was doing. "I'm fine," he says. "I guess you are," Wilson says. He certainly seems to be, although his taste in background music is poor at best.
Well, Jackson doesn't have Zollinger-Ellison. Taub gets to inform the parents that their son is going to die. Hadley decides to hang out nearby and look sad. Bad idea. Mom sees her and charges up to let her know that her son is dying and won't let his parents into his room to see him. "I'm sorry," Hadley says. I think she's supposed to legitimately be sorry, but she certainly doesn't sound like it. Mom starts laying into Hadley, who takes it and even helps out, listing off the ways she approached this case incorrectly. This only makes Mom angrier. As she accuses Hadley of trying to apologize to absolve herself of guilt, Cuddy walks up to diffuse the situation. She tells Mom to be with her son. "He won't let us in the room!" she sobs without tears. Cuddy reminds her that Jackson is a teenager and Mom is his mother. She doesn't have to do everything he says. Plus, he's asleep right now so he won't even know. "Go be with him," she says. Now that she's a mother herself, Cuddy knows what needs to be said and done. The parents walk away, and Hadley thanks Cuddy for rescuing her. That was yet another bad idea, the 576th one Hadley's had this week. Cuddy just turns slowly towards her and coldly says, "I didn't do it for you."
A triumphant Cuddy returns to her office to find Wilson waiting for her. He says they made a mistake coming down on House for the methadone, as Wilson has now realized that it's good for House. Who cares if he has to hire someone to watch him sleep lest he stop breathing? He shaved! And, Wilson says, he's happy. "House doesn't do happy. Pain or no pain," Cuddy reminds him. Wilson says if he isn't happy, he's not miserable. And he thinks it's House's "one chance" to be that way as if cutting off his leg is not an option.
Jackson allows his parents to stay at his bedside. Do you think they told him the truth that he's dying, or are they going to wait until he's a little older?
The morning, Hadley and Foreman get dressed for work. Foreman tells Hadley that Jackson is already responding well to the anti-inflammatories for his scleroderma. "So he's dying slightly less quickly than we thought? That's great news," Hadley sighs. She sure thought it was when she was taking that Huntington's drug. When she hears about Jackson's latest AST levels, though, she thinks they've gotten way too low way too soon for it to be because of the scleroderma treatment. She thinks it's from the testosterone injections improving his kidney function. But that could only happen if Jackson's kidneys had been damaged by something other than scleroderma.
House reports to Cuddy's office wearing his other tie. "Wow," Cuddy says. He asks for his letter of recommendation, but he should have known better. Cuddy isn't writing any letters of recommendation. She clearly hates doing them, as she manages to get out of it every single time. Instead, she hands House a list of requirements for him to stay at PPTH and on the methadone, including weekly drug tests and supervised administering of doses so he can't screw up or overdose. House demands a raise. He doesn't get it. Ain't no one getting raises in this economy, House. He then demands a bigger office, but in the same spot as his existing office. Heh. He doesn't get that either, since it's physically impossible. "We both know this is where you belong," Cuddy says. House agrees, and sincerely thanks Cuddy. And for all that House did to change his appearance to look all employable and stuff, he still didn't brush his hair.
House enters the meeting room. Kumar and Taub are already there, and greatly concerned to see their boss looking so well put-together. House removes the tie as quickly as possible. It would have funny if his stubble had instantly grown back, too, but I guess that would be too cartoony. Taub updates House on their patient's diagnosis, only to be shot down by Hadley, who runs in and says it's not scleroderma after all. Foreman follows her in the room and sees House, greeting him with "you're back. Good." It's not very sincere. House still hasn't caught onto the obvious and asks when Hadley and Foreman came up with this theory. "We ran into each other in the lobby," Hadley says lamely. House tells the Cottages to go over the case again to figure out what they missed. Taub starts listing off all the diagnoses they've already ruled out. When he says "dehydration," House says "oh crap" and asks Kumar if Jackson likes energy drinks. Kumar says he saw a few empty bottles in Jackson's team's locker room. With that, House leaves, but not before noticing that Hadley is wearing the heels Foreman likes. Please don't let this stupid plot stretch into week. Please.
House reports to Jackson's room and blames his parents for his current problems. Apparently, all Jackson was suffering from when he came to PPTH was dehydration. The kind of dehydration that gives you a stomach ache and makes you pass out. They initially ruled it out when the ER's attempts to treat Jackson for it didn't work, but what they didn't realize was that the strain the energy drinks put on Jackson's kidneys simply delayed their effectiveness. Way to go, Cameron. You weren't even in this episode and you managed to screw up. Then, before Jackson could get better, his parents insisted that House do that MRI. The contrast material they injected him with for it should have been filtered out naturally, but, again, Jackson's kidneys weren't doing so well. Instead, the contrast, as we see in a welcome visit from the Magic Schoolbus Cam, floated around in Jackson's system, affecting any organs it touched. Thus and therefore, the MRI of DOOOM!! has claimed another victim, and in truly spectacular fashion. House blames the parents for being way too overprotective but says Jackson will be fine after a few weeks on dialysis. Mom is too relieved to be angry, or to realize that this is kind of PPTH's fault for not making sure Jackson's kidneys were functioning normally before injecting him with something that could kill him if they weren't. "You gave birth to a freak of nature. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one," House says on his way out.
Later that day, Hadley visits Jackson. Of course. God forbid we shouldn't get some resolution on her precious connection with her young patient. Jackson says he's feeling better and has forgiven his parents now that his mother is letting him take dance lessons. Now he's afraid he'll miss basketball. "No reason you can't do both," Hadley says; "give me a call when you turn 18, 'kay?"
Cuddy stops by House's office with his daily methadone. She says this office delivery is a one-time-only deal. Actually, House says, it's a no-time-only deal. He's stopping the methadone. He wants to LIIIVE!!! Actually, no. He just doesn't want to screw up. When he was on methadone, he agreed to an unnecessary MRI that could have killed his patient. Cuddy says that's ridiculous; "you don't need your pain to be a good doctor." House thinks he needs it to be a great one, and asks Cuddy why it's so important to her that he's happy. Duh, House. Come on. But Cuddy won't admit that she actually cares about him, so instead she says House is afraid of change, and can't bear the possibility that he'll lose the only thing he can count on -- his intellect. And his handicapped parking spot! Don't forget that. He throws the methadone away and says "this is the only me you get." With that, he grabs a substitute cane and limps out.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.