By Couch Baron
We open on a close shot of a middle-aged woman rocking back and forth with an intense expression on her face. From the processed voices playing, ostensibly in her head, that are accusing her of killing a cat, we're meant to think that she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She should stay away from Foreman, in order to hang on to the few she has left. Aaron Himelstein -- best known to me as Friedman on the late lamented Joan Of Arcadia -- tells the woman, who's apparently his mother, that everything is okay. As usual, his hair isn't included in that assessment. A longer shot reveals that Friedman and his mother are sitting with a female representative from the "New Jersey Department of Employment Development," who's reviewing their application for an extension of the mother's disability benefits. The mother blurts, "I don't like her. She's fat." I don't think extreme rudeness qualifies you for disability benefits. If it did, I'd be a lot more forthright in telling people who bump into me on the goddamn sidewalk exactly what I think of them. The woman pauses, and then smiles and agrees that she could stand to lose a little weight. She then twitches her nose and assumes the guise of Christy Turlington. Well, come on, the latter seems barely less likely than the former.
The mother grabs her calf in pain, and we CGI into her leg, wherein she seems to have a clot in one of her blood vessels. Either that, or someone on the editing staff really was craving a hard candy right about here. Friedman asks if she's okay, and the mother says she killed the cat: "Lots of blood." Given what happens later in the episode, I hope she didn't do so by barfing on it. The state representative haltingly tells Friedman that she has some questions about some dates, all the while looking at the mother like she's got a third boob growing out of her forehead. If nothing else, that would probably get her in to see House more quickly. Friedman clears up the concerns about the dates while expositing that he's eighteen. I don't know how old Aaron Himelstein actually is, but given that he looks young enough to still be wearing undergarments by SpongeBob SquarePants, I'm guessing we're meant to think he's lying. We go back to Calf Cam, where a piece of the hard candy breaks off and goes its merry way. The representative stamps the application and tells them they're all set; all she needs is a signature. Just then, a glass frog on the table starts taunting the mother, saying that the cat was first, and she's . I'm thinking that this little demonstration that talking figurines are evil is Fox's clever way of standing behind the decision to cancel Wonderfalls. The mom tells the frog to shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! as Friedman tells the representative that his mom just needs a little water. I think she needs to be gagged before she says something that causes the nice lady to rip up the fat check coming her way, but I haven't been trained in these situations. The representative graciously volunteers to go get the water. When she's gone, Friedman begs his mother to hold it together long enough to sign the papers, and gives her an airplane bottle of booze as an incentive. Considering I'm on my way to California and am writing this recap at 30,000 feet, you'll forgive me if that little container is looking more inviting than usual. Friedman tells his mother that the voices aren't real. What is real, however, is the piece of hard candy that has hurtled through her bloodstream and has reached her torso. She clutches her chest in agony, and then collapses to the floor, unconscious, as Friedman, panicked, yells "Mom!" over and over again. You'd think that little incident would dissuade me from the airplane bottle. Think again. Credits.
Establishing shot of the hospital, as an EMT's voice tells us that the mother is thirty-eight and that, following her respiratory arrest, she was intubated and fully oxygenated. In the lobby, Friedman paces back and forth in front of someone whose face is hidden by a newspaper. The noise of all the steps causes the someone to drop the paper in annoyance. It's House, though, so he could just be jealous of Friedman's ability to reverse direction so quickly. Friedman asks House whether it's a good hospital. House, rather politely for him, says he likes the chairs. They do look pretty comfortable, but that could be because I and my oversized laptop are currently stuffed into an area small enough to make Gary Coleman a little claustrophobic. A doctor emerges, and Friedman rushes over to him to ask if his mom's okay. We focus in on House in the foreground as the doctor tells Friedman that his mom had a small pulmonary embolism, broken off from a larger clot in her leg called a deep-vein thrombosis. Friedman busies himself writing this down in a small notebook as the doctor asks if his dad is there. Friedman says that his dad is running a little late, and then clarifies, "He's dead." As far as times to employ gallows humor, I'd say having your only living parent be a schizophrenic whom you're charged with taking care of is pretty far up the list.
The doctor tells Friedman that his mom's blood-alcohol level was .12 at 10:30 in the morning. You'd think the glass frog would have had the decency to keep quiet until 5 in the afternoon. Friedman says he gave her a drink to calm her down, but that it was her first "since Monday." At the doctor's accusing stare, Friedman confides in a low voice that his mother hears voices. The doctor speculates that she's an alcoholic, and the DVT was caused by her passing out and remaining immobile for long periods of time. He tells Friedman that they've put his mother on blood thinners, and that he should be able to take her home the day. Friedman says it must be something besides the alcohol causing the thrombosis. House can keep silent no longer. I doubt I caused anyone any sort of embolism with that revelation. He grandly announces that of course it's the alcohol. He limps over and says that the guy is a professional doctor: "Plays golf and everything, I bet." I bet House tells people he can't play golf because of his leg, when in fact he's been banned from every single country club in the state for doing things like yelling "Fore!" when he hasn't hit a shot. Or, worse, the opposite. House adds that the doctor wouldn't just presume that the mother is an alcoholic without doing tests and having proof positive: "Doctors like this -- they don't just make assumptions -- they do the work!" You kind of have to admire the unmitigated gall. The doctor looks reasonably amused through all of this, and tells House that he'd be happy to refer House the case, since House is so interested. House asks Friedman how old his mother is, and Friedman dumbly asks if House is a doctor. House confirms that he is: "Did I ask you how old she was? I forget." Hee. Poor Friedman looks absolutely flummoxed. Kid, since your mom's going to be out of it for a while, she probably won't begrudge your taking a little sip from one of those airplane bottles yourself.
House gives the Martins the particulars of the case. Foreman wants to know what the hell they're wasting their time with a simple DVT for. House duhs that she's way too young to get a DVT in the absence of outside trauma, of which there was none. Cameron asks if that means House took a history. House says he has some notes, which he confesses aren't his: "But they're reliable, I think, for the purposes of this discussion." I guess inveterate note-takers are the one exception to the House credo that people are LYING LIARS who LIE. House adds that the mother is schizophrenic, but that schizophrenia isn't the cause of DVT. This seems like a weird note on which to end the scene, but the sooner we get to House prescribing treatment, the..."better"?
House continues in this vein, telling Wilsensei that not much is known about schizophrenia, so maybe there is a connection after all. Wilsensei says that House's taking an interest in a woman with a bump in her leg is "like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence." Good Lord. Are Cameron and Wilsensei switching roles this week? Because if so, Cameron had better get ready for a busy episode of doing nothing readily apparent except following House around and possibly having off-screen sex with him. House and Wilsensei bicker for no apparent reason until, for no apparent reason, House barks, "Fumigation of the vagina!" And there he just proved that leg trauma and schizophrenia do in fact go hand in hand. Or not, as he adds that, a thousand years ago in ancient Greece, that was the treatment for schizophrenia. If there were any male schizophrenics back then, I'm not sure I want to know what their treatment entailed. House babbles on about antiquated treatments, and then tells Wilsensei that he's going to see his patient. Wilsensei points out that House won't see his sane patients because they LIE, so why would he talk to a woman with no grasp on reality? House is probably running out of crazy treatment options and figured he'd ask for a few suggestions. House says that without the schizophrenic Socrates, we wouldn't have the Socratic method, which is the best method of teaching. He then babbles about vaginal fumigation and Pink Floyd. Since he's so hot on the method, I'll pose a question: what the fuck was the point of that scene?
Well, I'm back on the ground, after my new high-tech laptop only held its charge for about an hour and a half. I'm not sure I can go back to recapping earthbound, though. The terrifying highs! I could spend the TV season flying from place to place solely for the thrill of recapping in mid-air, but that would get pretty expensive, and did I mention the bitter pill of the HOUR AND A HALF? Anyway, I'll soldier on. House enters Friedman's mom's room and tells Friedman that he'd like to spend some time alone with her. Friedman's Spidey Sense of Sex goes off, and he protests that House will need him to fill in the history, but House says he's got his notes, and sends Friedman down to the cafeteria. He tells Friedman to get whatever he wants for himself, but that House wants a "Reuben sandwich, dry, no fries, hold the pickles." Good thing he didn't place that order in a Jewish deli. The looks he would get! He hands Friedman his pager and says he'll beep him when they're done. Just don't send a message of "Your mom knows what she's doing in bed," House. The kid has been through enough as it is. Friedman's mom cries, "No! Pickles!" proving, once again, that she is crazy. House sits down to her and intones, "Nice kid. How much do you really drink?" Friedman's mom lolls her head his way.
Chase and Foreman are incredulous that House is talking to a patient. Chase: "I don't know who I am anymore." Allow me: you're a hot Aussie who could really use a trip to a salon, but can fill out a pair of jeans like nobody's business. Does that help? Foreman wonders what the appeal of this case is, given that Friedman's mom is crazy, but Chase says that at least crazy people aren't boring. He leaves, and Foreman wonders if he just got dissed by Chase, House, or both.
House asks Friedman's mom about her meds, and she babbles about liking baseball: "Very sad. My boy and me, we went to see a game." Considering this is all it takes for House to realize that she's talking about the Mets, I guess he follows American sports a little more than I would have guessed. Friedman's mom twitches some more and says that no one believes her. House: "I do." Friedman's mom could use a trip to the salon, too, but she's got more of an excuse, with the CRAZY and all.
Foreman still won't let it go, now bothering Wilsensei about why House is so interested in Friedman's mom. Wilsensei: "He likes puzzles." Yeah, the time you played "Guess My Favorite Position" really turned him on.
Friedman's mom tells House that it never used to hurt. Friedman's name is apparently Lucas, but that's too confusing, since Luke was his best friend on Joan. Friedman's mom: "Don't lie to him, Limpy. Lively Lucy never lies to Lucas. Look what I do to him." Okay, we get it, you're NUTS!
The Martins and Wilsensei now all have nothing better to do than wait around for House to reemerge. When he does, he tells them that Friedman's mom hasn't shaved her legs in the last two months. I was wondering why House wasn't jumping on her. He says that she's afraid she'll cut herself because of her tremors, but Chase points out that the tremors aren't new, so House theorizes that something changed in the last two months -- possibly the amount of blood produced by the cuts. He orders blood work, and Cameron nods as her boobs jut out so far I'm surprised Chase and Foreman aren't wearing protective goggles as a precautionary measure. Wilsensei wishes House good luck and takes off, like, nice to pretend to have anything to do. Friedman returns with the Reuben, and says it's cold now. Cameron: "If it's a Reuben, that's the way he likes it." Oh, shut up and go polish some apples, Cameron. House introduces Friedman to the group, and Cameron gushes that it's nice to finally meet him, and considering that he's a one-off and we're only a quarter way through the episode, I'm thinking that Cameron needs once again to shut up. House dismisses Friedman so that they can run their tests, but looks after the kid's departing form wistfully, or as wistfully as he can muster before shoving a cold Reuben into his maw. He tells the Martins to get on the tests, and to take Friedman's mom off the psych meds, since they might get more out of her. Chase and Foreman depart, but Cameron has to stick around to tentatively wish House a happy birthday. He tries to play dumb, but apparently, she was going through his mail, and his birthday was on a form. She doesn't reveal that she beat his local mail carrier over the head with a nightstick to get her hands on said form, but we all know the truth. House, busted, is all, "Oh," and Cameron walks off with a self-satisfied smile. Is she always this annoying? House looks after her with the same expression as when he watched Friedman go. Considering that he takes another huge chomp out of his Reuben immediately after, I guess that makes sense.
Friedman's mom struggles as Foreman tries to take a blood sample. She spits in his face, and even though it looks very airy, that's not a recommended course of action in dealing with Doctor Trainface. Friedman's mom continues to yell that they can't take her blood, but Foreman order five milligrams of Haldol, and adds a "stat," which in layman's terms means "I ain't fucking around with that shit, bitches." Anyway, Friedman's mom passes out.
We get a close-up of two people holding hands. On one person's wrist is a fugly bracelet that reads "Mom," and on the other person's is a matching fugly bracelet that says "Wendy." Pulling back, we see that the mom in question is an attractive brunette, while Wendy is a bespectacled blonde of about thirteen. House barrels in and tells them that Wendy doesn't have strep throat. He's back to his usual level of asperity, so I guess it's safe to assume that she doesn't have schizophrenia, either. The mother asks House in a roundabout way whether he doesn't think her daughter is a fat-ass. House realizes that the real reason they're there is so he can give Wendy a lecture on the evils of eating before she becomes the poster child for the fast-food chain that bears her name. House sarcastically tells Wendy that she's lucky to have a mom like she does, and calls the mother out on wanting Wendy to slim down so that they can wear matching outfits. He adopts a falsetto and exclaims, "She can't be your daughter! It's impossible! You look way too young!" Hee. He bails, satisfied that he's doing everything he can to make Cuddy regret putting him on clinic duty.
Outside, Friedman confronts House about the Haldol: "I hired you. You work for me." If House is amused at getting a Don Corleone-esque lecture from a kid whom even Fredo could kick the shit out of, he doesn't show it. He starts to go, but Friedman says that Haldol changes his mom. "She says it makes her soul numb." House considers that.
Friedman is reading aloud to his resting mom, his back to her. She coughs a bit, and he asks if she's okay. At her request, he resumes reading, but the cough brings a splatter of something red onto the pages. She starts barfing up oceans of the stuff as Friedman runs to get help. Either she had a lot of blood in her stomach, or she recently drank the entire Kool-Aid man. I kind of hope it's the latter -- that guy was obnoxious, breaking all those walls.
Later, we get a shot of Friedman's mom resting peacefully. In his office, House rips a strip off Foreman for using a psych med. Foreman doesn't take that lying down, and since this is getting intense and interesting, what better time to pan over to Cameron, who you'll be shocked to learn is sitting within puppy-dog-eyeshot of House? The scene is made better by the appearance of Chase, who produces the clotting test results. Chase and Cameron watch House conclude, "Your best judgment isn't good enough. Here's an idea: time, use mine!" Foreman, amazingly, restrains himself from finding a new use for House's cane. House comes through the glass door and asks why the patient bled out. Cameron says that the clotting studies were normal, and House tells the Martins that everything was normal except "prolonged PT time." Foreman admits that that usually means that whoever drew the blood didn't do it right. House, however, says that between the fact that Foreman is a good doctor and the fact that the patient was doped up on Haldol when he took her blood, he doesn't think Foreman screwed up. I think this episode wasn't shown in the order in which it was filmed, because that certainly seems a lot more likely to me than House not taking the opportunity to gloat after Foreman accused him of screwing up Elizabeth Mitchell's epinephrine dosage in the last episode. Then again, I haven't seen House pop a Vicodin yet in this episode. Maybe he's off his game. House calls a Vitamin K deficiency, Cameron guesses there's an antibiotic Friedman's mom was on interacting with a drug, and Chase thinks it's merely alcohol abuse. Foreman doesn't get a diagnosis, because all the cool ones were taken. It's like he's refusing to play Monopoly because the car and the dog were taken, and no way is he going to be the damned iron. House was kind of snotty to Chase in that scene, too, which isn't going to win him any fans. Not ones that are sitting on a couch in Napa right now, anyway.
Foreman and Chase go to Friedman's apartment. Chase tries to be all smooth by taking out a credit card and trying to work the lock. He doesn't seem too adept at it, but I guess the good news is that if he damages the card, he's got plenty more where that came from. Foreman, however, produces a key that he lifted from Friedman's backpack. Heh. From the music that's playing, you think they're going to find something grisly, like this is House: Special Victims Unit. Which would have been an apt title for this show, if those pesky copyright issues hadn't gotten in the way. Chase goes through the clothing drawers, which are meticulously labeled. He then picks up a photo of, presumably, baby Friedman and his mom. Chase looks at it long enough for us to know that it brings up issues for him, in case an Aussie decrying the evils of alcohol at every turn wasn't enough to clue us in. Foreman finds the ampicillin that Friedman had gotten for his mom, but it's full, which shoots down Cameron's theory. Chase hyper-Aussies: "God, I hope it's not a Vitamin K deficiency." Hee. They go to the refrigerator, which is basically empty, but when they open the freezer they find enough precooked hamburgers to keep Wendy rolling in baby fat for years. Foreman: "House was right." Foreman, don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
We cut from the freezer to a microwave, out of which House takes one of the burgers in question. Friedman tells him that burgers are the only thing his mother will eat, but House tells him you can't actually live on the stuff. Someone's seen Super Size Me. Friedman says that the nutritional values are solid, and House agrees, except for the Vitamin K, so they're going to pump her full of the stuff and see if she gets better. He loads ketchup onto his burger, which is the first food-related thing I've seen him do right in this episode. Friedman starts to cry. House: "God, you're upset about something. You're gonna open up to me now, aren't you?" Well, he did give you that burger. It's a cheap date, but it does buy him one sob story. Friedman says that his mother's health problems are all his fault, but House tells him that he's done a great job taking care of her, and that any self-pity he's feeling is indulgent teenage bullshit. He notes that there are no pickles on the burger, and Friedman tells him that his mom doesn't like them either. He adds that his mom was very bossy before she got sick, and that Friedman didn't like it: "Never thought I'd miss that." He starts to go, but grabs his wrist in pain. House tells him he should get that looked at, while wondering how he went from total misanthropy to the desire for a stepson with terrible hair in half an episode.
Chase hyper-Aussies that he still doesn't buy a Vitamin K deficiency. Foreman rather jovially says he thought Chase liked it when House was right. Chase continues to hyper-Aussie that feeding alcohol to an alcoholic isn't a survival technique. It can be for the sober person, Chase. Foreman thinks that whatever works is fine. Chase: "Yeah, right! I'm rich! I couldn't possibly understand what this kid is going through!" Chase, if you've got that much money, perhaps you want to look into some THERAPY. And a live-in stylist, while you're at it. Chase hotly concludes that Vitamin K isn't the whole story. He's also kind of upset.
House puts two x-rays of an arm on a lighted display. He tells Friedman that it's not broken, and then says that one of the bones in question can tell you exactly how old a person is. Well, that line can certainly reveal if someone was born yesterday. He comes up with "not even fifteen -- almost, though," and Friedman corrects him that he was actually fifteen the week before. House tells him that if he's going to LIE, he should think big and go with twenty-one, so that his mom won't have to help him buy vodka. If all moms were willing to help their kids buy vodka, there would be no need for fake IDs in the first place. Friedman petulantly gets out his notebook and asks if there's anything he needs to know about caring for his mother. House muses that Friedman must be worried about being put in foster care. Friedman barks that if House turns him in, he'll sue him. House: "Oh, relax. It's not even your x-ray." Heh. Friedman gapes at him, and House faux-gapes back. Hee. And he could be your new dad, Friedman! Hey, why are you running away?
Chase and Cameron are ultrasounding Friedman's mom's liver. Chase discovers cirrhosis, so he thinks he's right, but on closer examination, Cameron says, "No one wins." Is the kid from V growing in her liver? No, it's a tumor. Well, that's bad too.
Hey, that means Wilsensei actually has something to do! He tells House that the Vitamin K deficiency caused the DVT and aggravated the (presumably already-damaged) liver, but that the tumor is the real reason for the bleed. So Chase and House were both partially right, while Cameron should stick to uncomfortably wishing people happy birthday. House looks upset...
...and we cross-fade into Wilsensei giving Friedman's mom the bad news. A tinkly piano plays as Friedman puts down his notebook and tries not to lose it. I guess he only cries freely in front of House. Weird kid. We focus on Friedman's mother watching him in the background before going to commercials.
House and the Martins are in conference. Foreman tells us the tumor is 5.8 centimeters, and Chase says that if they do nothing, she'll die from liver failure within sixty days. Cameron suggests a transplant, but House nixes that as a practical impossibility. Wilsensei enters as House advances the idea of surgery. Chase Aussies something about a surgeon named Bergen doing a laser procedure, but Wilsensei says that the tumor is so big that it's past the surgical guidelines. House asks if he would do it at 4.6 centimeters. We end the scene before the real bidding war starts.
At Friedman's mom's bedside, Wilsensei prepares an injection that's 95% ethanol, explaining to Cameron that it will suck the malignant cells dry, temporarily shrinking the tumor to acceptable surgical levels. He administers the injection, taking the latest lead in the "I Heart House Enough To Commit Malpractice And Crime" competition. Of course, there are special bonuses in there for sodomy, so he's already at an advantage.
House walks into the clinic, and Cuddy sweeps in a moment later and wishes him a good morning. He takes that as an invitation for some mild sexual harassment, which she deflects back his way as deftly as an NHL goalie. Were there an NHL these days, that is. House starts to head off to see patients, but Cuddy stops him with a smile and says that her doctors have no secrets from her. He mistakenly thinks that someone reported the ethanol trick, and Cuddy tries to get him to confess, but he realizes in time that she doesn't know what he's talking about. Cuddy, however, is quite the detective, and is almost convinced that House's transgression must involve Friedman. House, however, covers that Cameron found out about House's birthday, and he figured she ran to Cuddy and told her. Cuddy, looking slightly deflated, says she was just going to remind him that he owes her six clinic hours. He walks off, and Cuddy calls someone and asks for charts on all of House's current patients as she tosses a birthday card into the trash. Awwww! I love Cuddy. She could so easily be a totally pushover, like Cameron, or a total bitch, like...House. But she's neither. And that is my favorite scene of this episode.
Some nondescript middle-aged guy with a bad case of the hiccups is telling House that he's got...a bad case of the hiccups. Hee. I can't help think about that bit on The Simpsons when the guy with the persistent hiccups is like, "[Hic!] Kill me. [Hic!] Kill me." House notes that he's tried such remedies as pulling the tongue, hitting himself, and a "groin pinch." Well, he's probably at least preventing himself from reproducing, which seems like it's probably a winning decision. House asks if he's been using an open hand to hit himself, and upon hearing an affirmative, offers, "That's how they teach it at the Harvard Med." Heh. Cuddy looks in and enters as House asks how hard he's hitting himself. The guy demonstrates as Cuddy enters, and House is all, "I missed that. Could you do that again?" Cuddy looks as aghast as I look amused. Which would be very, in case you're wondering if I suddenly grew a heart. Cuddy says she needs to speak to House immediately, but House says he needs to take a piss. He tells Hiccup Guy, "Dial it up a notch." It wouldn't really be the same if the guy didn't oblige, now would it? Good thing this show is well-written.
House is washing his hands and face as Cuddy barrels into what's presumably the men's room. House is kind of a perv, though, so maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions. However, House confirms that the room is for boys, and speculates that whatever Cuddy has to say must be very important. Cuddy busts him for the tumor shrinkage. House goes to the toilet: "I wash before and after." Hee. Perhaps he's trying to bring up the national average. If my own disturbing observations in men's rooms are any indication, it could use the help. Cuddy says that House engaged in fraud, and that there's a reason they have guidelines. If she wants to sell this speech, she might try not giving it with a smile on her face while watching a man drain his snake. House pshaws that the regulations are there to protect doctors, not patients. Cuddy thinks that Bergen has the right to know what he's operating on, but House tells her to stuff it. She leaves.
Cameron enters House's office to have an entirely pointless scene about his birthday. I will recap one line, that being House's question of "Why are you here?" But only because I've been wondering that myself a lot lately. Shut up, Cameron and your beatific smile.
Surgery. Bergen tells the team to close Friedman's mother up, and then stomps out with Cameron in tow and complains that the tumor didn't walk into a bar and order a double shot of ethanol. Cameron faux-apologizes, and Bergen says that if it happens again, he'll just close the patient up. Cameron says she'll pass that on. We focus on her taking a long reaction shot, as if she wouldn't have been skipping off to House already to tell him the surgery was a success.
As Friedman's mom sleeps, Chase tells Friedman that they got the whole tumor, but that his mom's going to need some chemotherapy. He sits down and tells Friedman that his mom is a horrible alcoholic, and that he should come to terms with that. What I can't come to terms with is Chase's hair in this scene, which has become Trump-like in that I'd be more willing to believe it's a piece at this point than his actual hair. Chase, you're so cute! Get it together, here! Friedman asks if he should just give up, and if that's what Chase would do. Chase: "No, I'd do it just like you. Even though I did do it just like you once before, and you all know my mom is completely and totally dead, so look how that turned out." That last part may not be in the episode transcript. He starts to tell Friedman about the details of his mom's recovery, but is interrupted by a stereotypically hard-boiled woman's voice. She's from Child Services, and after informing Chase that Friedman is only fifteen, and allowing Friedman a few tears at his mom's bedside, she takes him away.
Wilsensei asks House whether Cuddy pushed Bergen to finish the surgery. House says that she didn't say anything, and that she's playing mind games. Friedman appears out of the elevator and bitterly reproaches House for reporting him: "You're a real bastard, you know?" He leaves. I guess I should have been using Friedman's character's real name in all this, because from the expression on House's face, it's not going to be long before he confesses, "Luke, I am your father." You know it's going to happen. House tells Wilsensei that he doesn't think Friedman's mom is crazy.
House reads to Friedman's mom out of the book of Yeats's poems that Friedman left behind. He tells her that she called Social Services, and says he understands. He reminds her about her "look what I do to him" line, and says he checked the phone records from the room. Jeez, you could have started with that, House. He finishes, "You're his mother. You couldn't do it to him any more. Good for you."
Wilsensei and House limpeconference out of House's office as Wilsensei tells House that schizophrenics can make rational decisions. House says that's only true of the small stuff, and that the amount of self-sacrifice that went into this action excludes the diagnosis of schizophrenia. He points out that she got clearer when he took her off the psych meds. Wilsensei is surprised to see that they've ended up back at House's office. House: "I like to walk." Heh. He's just a mass of contradictions. Except for the rampant bitchiness -- that's pretty consistent.
House plays the piano. There's a stiff drink on top of it. Chase would not approve. He switches to "Happy Birthday." Seemingly having a sudden epiphany, he picks up Friedman's journal. He calls a doctor, who hangs up on him because it's late. He then pretends to be a doctor calling from London, and Hugh Laurie's Brit-playing-an-American-faking-a-British-accent is pretty genius. Stymied, he leaves...
...to hold late-night court with the Martins. He explains that Friedman's mom's only initial symptom before the supposed schizophrenia was a headache, which no doctor could really figure out. House asks what other problems present with psych symptoms. Cameron FINALLY makes herself useful by mentioning a genetic condition wherein the body accumulates too much copper. Chase calls it as "Wilson's disease." I thought Wilson's disease caused people to follow hot Englishmen around at the expense of their jobs, but I'm not a doctor. ["Oh my God, my family doctor thought I had that last year! I didn't, but it took two 24-hour urine collections to rule it out. (I realize you didn't ask, but aren't you glad you know?" -- Wing Chun] House likes the diagnosis. Foreman complains that if any of them did this, he'd fire them. Dude, if none of you have been fired yet, I think you're safer than a tenured professor at a state university. Foreman clarifies that House is hoping instead of questioning. House reveals that Friedman's mom made an appointment with an ophthalmologist before she took up residence in Crazyland, and Cameron notes that Wilson's presents with cataracts. House agrees: "It also causes slight cirrhosis, which Doctor Chase so eagerly attributed to alcohol." He asks what they're still doing there. Seriously -- get this bitch cured so we can go have a drink!
House wakes up Friedman's mom, and tells her he doesn't think she's crazy. Friedman's mom: "Neither do I! But I'm crazy." Heh. The Martins set her up to check her eyes, and Foreman says that if she has Wilson's, she'll have copper-colored rings around her eyes called "Kaiser-Fleischer rings." Long story short? She has them. So copper was the culprit in both of my episodes. If the writers of House are trying to convince me that pennies should be taken out of the U.S. monetary system, I can just tell them that they're preaching to the choir.
Friedman's mom receives treatment. She voice-overs a poem. Yeah, I'm transcribing that. The camera goes spinny, and sometime later, a bespectacled, sane Friedman's mom is reading the book aloud. Chase comes in and asks if she's ready to go home. She replies, "Almost," and then Friedman enters and gives her a big, teary hug. She tells him that he really needs a haircut. It's no coincidence that Chase is still in the room. Chase looks down, wishing his mom had had that stupid copper thing. ["Because then she would have told him to get a haircut?" -- Wing Chun] He leaves. Aw.
Friedman wheels his mom to the elevator. When it opens, we see House and Wilsensei. Those two will do it anywhere, won't they? Friedman hesitates but, at his mother's insistence, wheels her in. Friedman's mom says it's lucky she had cancer: "It's terrible having everybody think you're nuts." House: "Really?" Heh. Friedman's mom says she called to thank House, and he says she's welcome. Friedman grits that he's never thanking House, because House turned Friedman in. That is so much more important in the grand scheme of things than the fact that House saved his mom from the copper prison of her mind, and also from DYING AT AGE THIRTY-EIGHT. Deborah will be jealous that I get to say this one more time, but SHUT IT, Friedman. Friedman's mom just shifts uncomfortably until House rescues her, saying he just wanted Friedman out of his life: "That's why I had Doctor Cuddy call Social Services." Ha! The elevator reaches its destination, and Friedman wheels his mother away. Wilsensei asks if House is okay. House says that Wilsensei was right, and that the real problem had to do with the schizophrenia, not with the DVT. Wilsensei asks if it isn't House's birthday, as if he doesn't have the date tattooed on his ass. House closes his eyes in frustration, although that could have something to do with the fact that he didn't take a single Vicodin during this episode. He dealt with it better than in "Detox," though. And come to think of it, he didn't even watchGeneral Hospital, either!PreviousNext