By Sara M
And it all comes down to this: House goes before a judge who will decide if the state has enough evidence to charge House for his various felonies. He finally realizes that he's in a real bind and, after some prodding from Cuddy, apologizes to Tritter. But Tritter says he trusts people's actions, not their words. So House actions himself on over to rehab, where he professes a belief in the higher power of André the Giant and enjoys arts and crafts. He even apologizes to Wilson for the past few months of crap he put him through, although an apology to Cuddy does not appear to be forthcoming. But even rehab isn't enough for Tritter, and House's case continues. Until, that is, Cuddy is called to the stand and she totally lies and says those drugs House stole from the dead guy were sugar pills. And even though the judge hates House, she has no choice but to let him go -- after, that is, he spends a night in jail for contempt of court, where Cuddy tells him off for forcing her to save him by lying on the stand (not so loud, Cuddy!) and Wilson realizes that House has been paying off a rehab worker to sneak him Vicodin this whole time. So he didn't change as much as everyone thought he did, and that is great news for the rest of us. There's also something with the Patient of the Week where the only way to save him is to zap all of his memories of his love for his co-worker and brother's fiancée -- along with his memories of everything else -- away. They do this, and then it turns out to be completely unnecessary. WHOOPS! That's what you get for strangling Cameron, I guess. Anyway, to sum it all up: House is still on Vicodin, Cameron is still a sap, Cuddy is still awesome, and Tritter is GONE! Rejoice!
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. As is everything else. Two firefighters emerge from the blaze, only to be yelled at by their boss for going into it without permission. The female firefighter, Amy, says they thought they heard someone in there, and the guy, Derek, says this is his fault -- Amy was just following him. The boss tells him to stop taking all these risks or he'll be killed, like he almost was last year. Amy, by the way, doesn't look like any firefighter I've ever seen. Unless she's one of those strippers who dresses up like a firefighter. Seriously, if my apartment was on fire and Amy showed up to save me, I'd be like, "nice try, girlfriend, but there is no way you can carry me out of here. I'm so screwed." Anyway, she goes off to seek medical attention while her partner is called to deal with a ladder. Suddenly, he starts having difficulty breathing and the music gets all weird, letting you know he's disoriented. Instead of doing something about that, though, he just puts his gear back on and staggers back towards the flaming building. No one really notices or cares until Amy starts yelling at him. She tackles him before he gets into the building and asks him what his problem is. "I'm freezing," he says. Oh, well then, I can't really fault his logic. Once when my heater didn't work, and it was really cold, I turned my iron on and huddled up to its life-giving warmth. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
After the credits, Derek has been admitted to PPTH, where he has the misfortune of being examined by Cameron. We see that he's got some gnarly burns, which I guess is what his boss was referring to before. Derek insists that he's fine, but Cameron points out that his temperature has been going up and down all night, so, not so much. Amy and Derek's boss is also there, although the boss soon takes off so Amy can sit on Derek's bed and get some exposition going. She thanks him for covering for her last night, and Derek says that the boss is also his brother, so he's experienced in getting chewed out by him. Amy promises to visit when her shift is over and leaves. She may also want to stop by a shower at some point; her face still has soot all over it. I know she's worried about Derek and all, but you'd think she could at least wash her face off in a water fountain. Or maybe they're just trying to conceal her ridiculously un-fire-fighter-like supermodel looks. Derek asks Cameron where Dr. House is. "Speaking engagement," Cameron claims. I'm going to assume that speaking engagement is House's funeral, since the last time we left him, he was ingesting massive amount of oxycodone and ODing on his floor before mysteriously recovering a few hours later.
"Not guilty," House says. That's right -- his speaking engagement is court. He answers not guilty to all his counts while Tritter shakes his head disgustedly, and the judge says she'll see everyone at a later date for the preliminary hearing, at which time she will decide if there's enough evidence against House to proceed to trial. I just wanted to say that this could have been the perfect spot for someone else from Night Court to make a cameo appearance like Mac and Dan did. I'm sure Marsha Warfield could fit it into her busy schedule. We do get Dwayne Wayne back, though, so I guess that's enough '80s sitcom stars. Anyway, House isn't listening to the judge because he's too busy looking back at Shitter, who has nothing better to do than hang out in a courtroom. Cuddy is also in attendance, and not looking too pleased about this turn of events. After the judge dismisses them, House heads right for Shitter, but Dwayne Wayne stops him, expositing that the state has a mountain of evidence against House, including his signature on the prescription logs, a sworn statement from pharmacist Marco (traitor!), and security camera tapes showing House picking up the prescription. Security tapes, eh? They didn't seem to make much difference when that guy wandered into PPTH and shot a doctor twice. Dwayne Wayne tells House not to add to his charges by "intimidating" one of the witnesses against him. Dwayne Wayne doesn't seem to have any hope that House won't get convicted of this, so I don't know why he took the case in the first place. By the way, House is wearing a suit today and it looks good.
Back at the office, House is still wearing a suit and Cameron is going over Derek's case. Chase and Foreman are more interested in being lawyers than doctors today, asking House why his lawyer didn't try to contest the seizure of the pharmacy's records or something. I'm guessing it's because Dwayne Wayne hates House and doesn't want to work that hard, but Cameron snaps that House wasn't a doctor or a patient in this case, so doctor-patient confidentiality won't apply here. And it looks like Cameron's in bitch mode this week. Can't someone give her a prescription to stop her insane mood swings? She tells House that Derek's temperature has fluctuated between ninety-six and one hundred and two for the last twelve hours, and he's had at least three disorientation spells in the last two weeks. House chalks the spells up to being in a burning building and the temperature up to Derek drinking hot or cold beverages before having his temperature taken and tries to call it a day, but Cameron's having none of that. She shoves the file into House's hands with a "do your job." I don't get you, Cameron. Last week you were all pissed off at Wilson on House's behalf and bandaging his arm, and now you look like you want to set him on fire and laugh at his pain.
House turns back to Chase and Foreman, who are watching their boss and co-worker with great interest, although Chase quickly looks away when House turns around. Real slick, there, Chase. House says something about Derek having an arrhythmia on his EKG, but no one pays any attention to that. Instead, Chase says that Derek could have acquired a hospital infection like MRSA while he was in a burn unit for six months last year. House is more than happy to use this as a way out of the conversation and orders the kids to put Derek on a bunch of antibiotics without even knowing if Derek needs them in the first place. Guess how antibiotic-resistant strains of diseases, such as MRSA, evolve? That's right --by hospitals handing out antibiotics unnecessarily.
House goes to see Cuddy, informing her that he hasn't made a decision on what cool prison tattoos he'll be getting. That means it's not too late to submit my idea, which is, of course, a giant ship on his back. If you're going to get a tattoo, you might as well go for it. Or he could have a map of the prison cleverly hidden in a full-body tattoo, although I think that's kinda played-out by now. Cuddy is in no mood for House's quips today and tells him to go talk to Shitter, who's the only person who can get these charges dropped. Not at this point, I don't think he can. They've spent too much time and man hours and gotten the court system involved just to stop because House says he's sorry to Shitter. House starts to mention some other things Shitter can do, but is interrupted by Cuddy, who slams a file onto her desk to express the depth of her frustration. It wasn't that thick of a file though, so I don't think she's all that angry. She reminds him that everything that's happened to House has been his own doing, and she's so pissed that she's throwing her whole body into yelling at him. House weakly tries to protest that he accepted Shitter's deal, to which Cuddy screams "not until after you stole a dead guy's pills!" Hmm ... better hope Shitter hasn't bugged all of PPTH or those security cameras don't have sound on them. Cuddy tells House that people aren't giving him opportunities to stay out of jail anymore, so he'll have to make one himself. And you know she really means it because she gives House a prescription for Vicodin and everything. This leaves House's evening free to speak to Shitter, as he was previously planning on going out grave-robbing, hoping to find some more drugs.
Cameron takes some blood cultures from Derek and tells him all about MRSA. Derek wonders if one of MRSA's symptoms is that everything looks blue. Only if the S in MRSA stands for Smurf, Derek, and judging by Cameron's reaction, it doesn't. Way to tell everyone about that new symptom whenever you felt like it instead of immediately there, Derek.
House gets off the elevator to find the Cottages standing at the door waiting for him. I wonder how many random elevator users those three scared the crap out of before House got there. They start guessing at different things that could affect Derek's eyes. House suggests a real goodie: menopause, which gives Foreman pause. As they enter the office, Foreman informs everyone that Derek is twenty-eight. "Yes, his age is the reason it's weird that a man has menopause," Chase speaks for all of us. But apparently it is possible for a man to get menopause from high estrogen and low testosterone levels. I am so confused right now, you guys. Is this like when a girl is pregnant and the guy feels sympathy pains? Or like when that female patienthad balls? Does menopause make women so disoriented that they walk into burning buildings? I hadn't heard of that one, but I also haven't done a whole lot of reading up on menopause, either.
House says it explains all of Derek's symptoms and is similar to female menopause except for the lack of vaginas and Mahjong tiles. Okay, first of all, I can't believe they let him get away with saying "vagina." Second of all, Mahjong is a fun game that people of all sexes and ages enjoy. Blue vision is not a symptom of menopause, but it is a side effect of Viagra, which Derek might have taken to combat the "limpness" his ridiculous menopause caused. Yes, well, I know all the women I know who've experienced menopause are always complaining about the hot flashes and difficulty getting hard. It's such a drag. House makes sure to point out that the only reason he knows any of this is because he's a doctor and not because he's ever done any investigation of Viagra for his own personal use after coming down with a bad case of Vicodick. Cameron protests that Derek didn't tell her he was taking Viagra, and House has to inform her naïve little head that Derek might not have wanted to tell a hot young female doctor about that since it's kind of embarrassing. Probably not as embarrassing as being a guy with menopause, though. As to what's causing Derek to have these weird hormone imbalances, House points out that if his burns extended down far enough, he could have had some testicular damage, which then would lower his testosterone levels and make Derek want to read The Bridges of Madison County.
"Thank God my parents are dead," Derek says. Well, there's something you don't hear every day. Derek's saying it because he's sure his father would be very ashamed of his son for having women troubles. On the other hand, his mom would probably welcome a partner in hot flashes. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," Foreman says as he tries to bite back derisive laughter. Meanwhile, Cameron is planting testosterone pills under Derek's arm so I guess they were able to prove that he had the male menopause after all? Did they even check to see if he was taking Viagra or that his testicles were damaged or are they just assuming? Amy stops by for a visit and Derek says that "anyone not in a white coat is welcome" in his room. Cameron bites back tears. Derek tells Supermodel Amy that he has "some hormone thing." Suddenly, he sits forward and groans. When they ask him what's wrong, he just says they need to get the pills out of his body. Foreman suspects an allergic reaction and Cameron tells him to calm down, at which point Derek channels the spirit of me during Season One and strangles her. Amy panics. Foreman starts yelling for a nurse and trying to pry Derek's hands off of Cameron. Cameron makes a series of funny faces that I can't blame the girl for. I have to think that if I was being strangled, I wouldn't be looking my best, either. A nurse rushes in with a sedative and finally knocks Derek out. Cameron backs away and does not die. Cameron-haters everywhere are so disappointed, but begin making "Get Well Soon" cards for Derek anyway.
House comes to see Shitter, who tells him the "complaint department's across the hall." I'm guessing it's the room with the poster on the door that says "Complaint Department -- take a number" and then has a picture of a grenade with a number flag on the pin. House doesn't get to respond to Shitter's non-witticism because he has to look all contrite. "I'm sorry," he says. He admits that he's somewhere between "arrogant" and "unhinged," but "there's a reason [he] operate[s] that way." Yes, because it amuses us all. "I live in pain," House explains. "Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones, it will suck the life force right out of you." Well aren't you the special one, House? Your pain is worse than anyone else's in the whole world and no one can know how you feel. You sound like an angsty teenager, dude. Grow up. If your leg hurts that much, then chop it off. It's not going to get better, it makes you miserable, and a prosthetic leg would probably be more useful to you than what you have now. House continues that it's not an excuse for his actions and he was wrong. Shitter looks at him with all the contempt he can muster and then says "thank you." He's not an idiot though, so he knows House doesn't mean it. House isn't sorry for sticking a thermometer in Shitter's ass or stealing a prescription pad -- he's sorry he got caught. Shitter says he isn't interested in what House says (except for the first episode when he told Cuddy he wanted an apology) -- "all I care about is what you do." He won't tell the DA to drop the charges.
Back at the office, House studies his Vicodin in a cool shot from underneath the glass table that we've been seeing in all the promos for the last three weeks, while Cameron persists in talking about their case. Derek's little violent outburst wasn't caused by an allergic reaction to the medication or a pulmonary embolism, and Cameron's got herself some cool red marks on her neck. By the way, since they ruled out medical reasons for Derek's violent outburst, can we just assume that he strangled Cameron because he doesn't like her? I will. House isn't paying attention to Cameron, so she gets all huffy and says "I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking." Um, Cameron? When has House ever cared about your well-being? Seriously, he barely acknowledged the bruise on Chase's face, and he's the one who put it there. Foreman wants to do a CT and an LP on Derek for neurological causes, because that's what Foreman does. House tells him to go ahead; he's got other things to do. The Cottages follow him into the hall to find out what they are. He says he's going upstairs. "To do what?" Foreman asks, baffled. Apparently, upstairs is even more useless than the second and first floors of PPTH. "Rehab," House says right as the elevator doors close. Well, this could be fun.
After the commercial, we find ourselves in the "McDaniel Drug Rehabilitation Wing." Despite the fact that it's rehab, it's just as glassy as the rest of PPTH, with big transparent windows so passers-by can stare at the loser druggies. Probably summoned by a frantic Cameron, Cuddy and Wilson chat with House. They are understandably confused by this turn of events. It's also the day, since House is in detox mode and says he "soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night." Yet he's wearing the same clothes he was admitted in. I hope he brought an extra pair of underpants, or else he's goin' Commando right now. "So, this is for real?" Cuddy asks; "it's not just a show for Tritter?" Way to be as naïve as Cameron with her annoyance at House for not asking about her sore neck, Cuddy. "Absolutely it's a show for Tritter," House says; "and the judge." But he has to actually go through it, too. Duh, Cuddy. A big rehab orderly announces the end of visiting hours. Wilson hands House a bag of fresh underwear that the orderly grabs to search. Wilson and Cuddy both make "that guy is an asshole" expressions. "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go," House Randal Patrick McMurphys. Right as the scene fades out, we see Cuddy put a sympathetic hand on House's back. Actually, that could be Wilson's hand. Either way, it was sweet.
Back at the office, the Cottages still don't know what caused Derek's violent outburst, and Cameron is ready to throw in the towel and ask House for help. Foreman thinks they should be able to deal with this without him, and he's right. They should be able to. But they can't. No one can. Chase thinks Cameron should cut House some slack, but Cameron says that their patient is a fearless hero who runs into burning buildings and saves lives when he's not strangling his doctors, so they owe him a lot more slack than they owe House. Chase does a "day-yamn!" eyebrow raise and decides to back off of Cameron and her crazy mood swings. Is she going through menopause, too? What the hell? "House has more important things to deal with," Foreman says.
He sure does! He managed to make one of those fortune-teller origami things that you put over your fingers. He plays with it as he endures a group therapy session. Some woman is complaining that she saw some guy for the first time in a long time, but he said he wasn't ready to see her yet. Oh, snap! Sucks to be a drug addict! The therapist congratulates her for trying to mend fences and then calls on "Greg" to add his input. House says the people in his life have no expectations of him, so he can't possibly let them down. Except for Cameron, who seems to expect House to turn into her Knight in Shining Armor despite all evidence to the contrary. Wilson, too, to a certain extent. Anyway, the woman sitting to House is eyeing his fortune telling device like she wants a turn. That woman is cool. The therapist doesn't like House's attitude, and tries to remind him of the twelve steps. House knows them all already, and recites them back to him. He has completed Step One and admitted he has a problem by checking into rehab. Step Two is accepting that there is a higher power. House's higher power is André the Giant, which I guess makes Hulk Hogan the Highest Power. House admits to having difficulty with Step Three, submitting to his higher power, as he tends to enjoy having free will. The women in the group seem to be intrigued by House, as well they should be. The therapist is not so amused and snarks that House seems to like his free will as much as he likes his pills. "If you could do this on your own, I assume you wouldn't be here," he says. "True," House admits. He seems to be learning a lot about himself right now, which makes me think that he's totally faking it.
Meanwhile, the Cottages have ruled out plenty of diagnoses for Derek. Chase has a brain storm, but must first channel House and say "everybody lies." He points out that Derek's tox screen was clear, and it shouldn't be: after all those skin grafts, he should be in pain and taking painkillers. Cameron says that there are people out there who are capable of being in pain without ingesting massive amounts of Vicodin, unlike their boss. Chase says that's true, but since Derek isn't taking painkillers, he must be in pain and lying about it in order to keep his job. Which means he could be lying about other pain he's feeling. And then everyone's beepers come to life.
Derek's having issues. Cameron kicks Amy out of the room while Derek gasps for breath. The Cottages assume there's something wrong with his lungs and prepare to act on that until Chase, who has been the only capable person on this show besides House for a few episodes now, actually looks at Derek's vitals and determines that he's having a heart attack. Wow, you guys, menopause is a real pain in the ass.
House tries to make a friend and asks Voldemort to pick a color from his fortune teller. Voldemort is not amused. He hands House his meds without picking a color. House tells his future anyway, which is: "You are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day." I'm guessing House didn't write those fortunes. Otherwise, I'd expect them to be more like the one a friend of mine got from a Panda Express fortune cookie once, which basically told her to go to the gym more often. Anyway, Voldemort still doesn't care. House takes his medicine.
Well well well! Looks like Chase was right about Derek. On two counts, actually: first, Derek was having a heart attack, and second, he had been having chest pain and not telling anyone about it. The chest pain was actually a bunch of mini-heart attacks, so, nice plan there, Derek. "Heart attacks can't cause you to reach out and choke someone," Cameron says, apparently refusing to believe that Derek might have been of sound mind and body when he strangled her and just didn't want to deal with her ass anymore. Lack of oxygen from the heart attacks could have triggered a rage response, Foreman says. Chase says they need to figure out what's causing the attacks. Of course, Cameron turns and heads for the rehab wing to see House. "I'm not gonna wait for Chase to give us another breakthrough," she says. Oooh, someone's jealous!
It's a double-dose of misery for House, who's either barfing or having to solve the Cottages' problems for them. Chase wisely suggests leaving House to his misery, but Cameron persists. "We don't have an answer yet," she barks. "I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking," House spits back at her. OH!! OH!!! In your FACE, Cameron! House whines that the medicine they're giving him to wean him off Vicodin sucks, then says that if there are no internal causes of Derek's heart attacks, then they're being caused by something external. The only thing Derek's attacks seem to have in common is that Amy was around during all of them.
Amy is pacing around PPTH's immaculate lobby with Derek's brother when Cameron walks up. She asks Amy to come with her so they can test a theory. Amy heads into Derek's room and asks what's going on. The answer is soon revealed, as he has another heart attack. House was right, and the Cottages can't believe it. I can't believe they basically set off a heart attack in one of their patients on purpose. That's kind of counter-productive. Although it's pretty much par for this show's course.
Amy gives up her clothing to Cameron for testing. She asks how she can be causing Derek's heart attacks. "You may be carrying an agent that triggered them," Cameron explains. Well, that's reassuring. Shouldn't we be sticking Amy in an isolation chamber before she triggers heart attacks in other people? Cameron continues that it could be mold spores or a poisonous plant residue. Yeah, maybe she got some Heart Attack Ivy on her pant leg. Okay. Anyway, Amy isn't allowed near Derek until they find out what it is. Amy feels bad about almost killing her partner. "You can't blame yourself for this," Cameron says. Sure she can! You just said that Amy is causing Derek to have heart attacks! When she's in the room, Derek almost dies! It's totally her fault. Amy decides to take a walk down memory lane and tells Cameron the pleasant details of how Derek got those skin grafts. Basically, Amy and Derek were in the middle of an office fire when the ceiling collapsed, cutting Amy off from everyone else. Derek ran off looking for a way to get to Amy instead of waiting for the team to clear the debris and got himself caught in a backdraft. "He almost died because of me once. And now it's happening again," Amy sobs. No, he almost died because he's not very good at firefighting, Amy. Instead of following instructions and waiting with the team, he impulsively ran off and got stuck somewhere dangerous. Cameron seems strangely unmoved by this. Maybe she's just jealous that Amy has co-workers who sacrifice things for her while Cameron's co-workers just steal her articles.
Wilson stops by rehab to visit House. He's shown into the lobby area by Voldemort, who seems to work as many hours as Shitter. House is sitting by an open window smoking a cigarette as close to a sign saying "no smoking" as he can get. "You're not my mom. You don't have to keep checking up on me," House says by way of greeting. Wilson kind of is House's mom, though. Or at least, he'd like to be. House says he's been learning a lot in rehab, like how he's completely powerless. Wilson tells House to be open-minded. House calls rehab "idealized despair." I see he's been spending his free time thinking of ways to convince himself that he's cooler than this. Wilson shoots him right down, saying "we all get it. We know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life." This from the man who left House to OD on his living room floor. House asks Wilson if he should do this by sleeping with a dying patient and moving into a hotel room (ooooh!). Wilson rolls his eyes and accuses House of being a coward: "you find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself." This is true, but quickly overshadowed by House's awesome response: "thanks. I was running short on platitudes." He sends Wilson away by blowing smoke in his face so Wilson can run off and test himself for second-hand smoke lung cancer.
Cameron tells Derek that they've tested Amy for everything under the sun, but haven't found anything that would cause the heart attacks -- except for Amy herself. Cameron asks Derek if he's in love with her. She's noticed the way Derek looks at Amy and, being highly attuned to the look of unrequited love, recognizes it. "She has a six-year-old daughter," Derek says. I assumed he was saying he was in love with the daughter, because I have a dirty mind. Cameron doesn't, so she just merrily says, "Women with daughters can still fall in love!" as if that hadn't occurred to Derek. Maybe he's just sensitive about children since his menopause means he'll no longer be able to have them. Or is that still even on the table? I'm so confused. Does he have menopause AND something that's giving him heart attacks and rage outbursts, or have we decided that he doesn't have menopause at all? Anyway, Derek breaks it down: Amy is engaged to his brother, who is also their boss. That's a complicated work relationship right there.
Cameron goes to House with the news and her diagnosis: "broken heart syndrome." I'll bet Cameron diagnoses every patient with that at first, but this time it's for reals. The estrogen and menopause (I guess he still has that, then) are making Derek like an old woman, who is usually the type struck by this broken heart syndrome thing. Chase is skeptical; broken heart syndrome is a stress-related cardio myopathy; not a heart attack. But if Derek hasn't been getting it treated, Cameron says, it could turn into heart attacks. House seems to think Cameron's diagnosis is correct, and asks what they can do to make Derek better. Foreman says they've put Derek on heart medications, but to no effect. Cameron wants to put Derek on anti-depressants, which seems stupid since it takes a few weeks for those to work, and I thought they were only useful if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and won't really help if you're sad for an actual reason. Anyway, they can't do it, as House explains anti-depressants will effect Derek's nervous system and make the heart attacks more frequent. Chase suggests "buying" Derek a girlfriend, which Cameron craps all over by saying bought girlfriends might make Chase happy (or co-workers on meth), but Derek only wants Amy. Foreman says Derek is pretty much screwed, then. He can't live with Amy and he can't live without her. I guess he can write a couple great blues songs before he dies, though. Foreman jokingly suggests frying Derek's brain and erasing all memories of Amy. "We need Cuddy," House says. Why? To get permission to fry Derek's brain. No, seriously.
Cuddy is, predictably, dubious when she's summoned to the rehab wing. House says erasing Derek's memories is the only way to keep him alive. "This isn't 1940," Cuddy says. I guess 1940 was a time when zapping brains to stop broken heart syndrome was a good idea? What the hell is going on? Is everyone going to find a hole behind a file cabinet and go crawling into John Malkovich's brain ? House explains the hows and whys of his crazy mad genius plan to Cuddy while we see shots of the Cottages looking on in disbelief and/or boredom. House ends by saying that electroshocking Derek's brain will erase his memories of Amy -- and everything else -- so he won't be in love with her anymore and therefore not die. And what an awesome life he'll have to look forward to, what with having no idea who anyone is, including himself. It's like dying, but you have to live through it. "Go ahead," Cuddy says. Cuddy. Cuddy! No. Don't do this. This is insanity. But House sends the Cottages on their merry way and asks Cuddy why she was so quick to accept his treatment option. He thinks Cuddy only said yes because she feels sorry for House, as if his personal problems would have any bearing on Cuddy's decisions regarding patient care. They do, actually, but they shouldn't. No, Cuddy says, House presented her with a clear and reasonable argument as to why they should do something completely insane to poor Derek, so she said yes. See? It's positive reinforcement to keep House in rehab, and the only thing it cost was some guy's mind.
Cameron tells Derek that after the "treatment" he'll still be able to perform basic tasks such as "walking, talking, and tying [his] shoes." Oh, well, as long as he still knows how to tie his shoes I guess he hasn't lost anything after all. She continues that only Derek's "experiential memories" will be affected, which means he won't remember Amy or his childhood or his mad firefightin' skillz, which, based on those burns over half of his body, won't be too much of a loss. Cameron asks Derek if he's okay with forgetting about his fucking PARENTS along with the rest of his life except for shoe-tying and here is where the sane and logical person would say he'd rather tell his brother and Amy about his feelings and then work through them like everyone else who's experienced unrequited love than have his entire mind erased. In fact, you'd think he'd rather die than have his mind erased. Also, won't the broken heart syndrome stop when the testosterone starts taking effect and making him stoic and manly again? And why am I even asking questions about this when it clearly doesn't make any sense? Of course Derek would rather fry his brain than make family dinners awkward.
It's arts and crafts time at rehab, and House is working on molding clay into a lower intestine with ulcerative colitis. It looks like a plain old lower intestine though, so I guess he hasn't added the ulcerative colitis yet. Can't wait to see the finished product, though! Shitter makes a surprise visit after Cuddy apparently insisted that he see House in rehab for himself. He says he wasn't expecting House to go this far and applauds him for making an effort, before getting all smirky and asking if House expects him to go talk to the DA now. Because if so, House is going to be very disappointed. And he is. He asks Shitter what he's supposed to do if his words mean nothing and his actions mean nothing. Shitter just shrugs in the most infuriating way ever and leaves. House calls out after him: "you son of a bitch!" and everyone in rehab turns and gets ready for awesomeness. "What about your words, your actions?" House asks. Shitter said he was doing all this so House would clean up his act, and then when he finally does (I guess being in rehab for three days is supposed to be enough), it's still not enough because all Shitter really wanted to do in the first place is"bitch-slap" a guy who wouldn't kiss his cop ass. Shitter says he's learned not to trust addicts due to some tragic backstory of his we'll never explore so who cares. Even addicts' actions lie, Shitter says.
The Cottages get ready to do some brain frying. Derek says he's scared, but he's still going to go along with this because he's insane. A nurse who isn't Evil Nurse Brenda administers a muscle relaxant, and I'm still waiting for someone to come in the room and stop this. But no one does. We go to commercial while Foreman zaps Derek's memories away. Unfortunately for Derek, we're only at the forty-minute mark, so I'm thinking this isn't going to be the miracle cure he was hoping for.
When we return, Derek's memories have been wiped, and Foreman reports that his heart sounds good. Well, great. Let's just hope he never falls in unrequited love again since he still doesn't know how to deal with it and will apparently start dying again. This is ridiculous. Cameron sends Derek's brother and Amy into the room and everyone waits to see if he has a heart attack. He doesn't, but Derek's brother seems pretty upset that his own brother doesn't recognize him, although he tries to act positive and hopeful. Amy introduces herself as Derek's "friend." "I'm sorry," Derek rasps, "I don't remember either of you."
The Cottages bring House up to speed, saying that after four rounds of brain-zapping, Derek's memory is gone. They'll give him one last round tomorrow morning and then swing by the courthouse for House's hearing. Except for Cameron, who makes it known that she would rather spend time with Derek Nobrains than attend House's hearing, because she hates House this week. House does not care. Wilson arrives, and House sends the Cottages on their way.
Wilson gives House a present: a red tie to wear to his hearing tomorrow. House shows it off to Voldemort, who wants to make sure it doesn't have any drugs inside it, then thanks Wilson for the gift but doubts it'll help him out any tomorrow. And then House gives Wilson a gift: an apology. Or as close to one as Wilson is going to get: "I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me -- protect me. It's what friends do." Wilson can't believe his ears, but encourages House to continue. If he does, we don't see it, as the scene cuts away. I'm glad House finally apologizes to Wilson, but where's the apology to Cuddy?
The morning, Cameron finds Amy watching Derek from outside his hospital room window. She says she can't stand to see Derek like this. Cameron says that Derek is going to need his brother. "I know the timing isn't great with the wedding coming up... " she says, as if Amy's main problem with this is that it's interfering with her fucking wedding plans. Oh, but it turns out that Cameron assumed a lot more than that. She assumed that Amy was having a wedding at all. This is news to Amy, as she says that she's not marrying Derek's brother. In fact, they aren't even dating. UH OH. "Why would you think we were getting married?" Amy asks. And the answer is because Cameron is not a very good doctor. No one even checked to see if Amy and Derek's brother were engaged, they all just assumed the guy who randomly tried to strangle Cameron was in his right mind. I did too, but I'm a viewer and when I jump to conclusions, people's minds don't get erased, so it's okay. Also, holy fucking shit, they erased Derek's memory for NO REASON. I hope Cameron's house burns down and the firefighters can't put the blaze out because their team is one firefighter short. Cameron just stares at Amy, her jaw slack, because what the hell else are you going to do? There are no words. Or deeds.
Shitter gets his day in court and he couldn't be happier, testifying that when House was given the chance to go to rehab before, he kicked Shitter out of his office and seemed unconcerned. Are the police allowed to testify about the accused's personal feelings? And why not bring up the fact that House did, in fact, try to accept the deal only to have it cruelly taken away from him? While Shitter is starting to tell the story of his amazing discovery at the pharmacy, House's cell phone rings. Judge Helen Davis does not appreciate this, but Shitter keeps right on talking because he will not be interrupted. He's been waiting seven episodes for this moment. Of course, House answers the phone right there in the middle of everything: "I told you never to call me when I'm on trial," he barks. But Cameron's got big, big news and it cannot wait. She tells House about how they fried Derek's brain for no reason. Chase and Foreman are also on the line and they say they still have to figure out what's wrong with Derek. What's the point? They've already pretty much ruined his life, why not let him die?
Judge Helen tells Shitter to shut up for a second so she can yell at House for taking a phone call, although he has no intention of putting the phone down. Dwayne Wayne, Esq., says this must be a medical emergency, which it is, so I think it should be okay for House to take this call. House thinks there's something blocking Derek's blood from reaching his brain properly, thereby causing the false memories and tells them to find it. Meanwhile, Judge Helen does not appreciate this at all. He's trying to save a firefighter's life, Judge Helen! Remember 9/11? Geez. The Cottages tell House they don't know where to look for a blockage in Derek, because they're totally incompetent and need their hands held at all times. House excuses himself from the conversation to ask Judge Helen to shut up so he can hear his employees better. She threatens jail time. He doesn't care. He tells the Cottages to set Derek up for some kind of crazy angiography and starts to leave. Cuddy and Dwayne Wayne order House to sit back down, but he says he's bored and takes off while Judge Helen threatens to find him in contempt and Shitter makes a face like he just ate a sour lemon. Which is to say, the same expression Shitter always makes when he isn't smirking.
House returns to PPTH, telling Foreman that the court "said that they wanted me there, but I don't think they liked me." Which doesn't look as funny written out as it did hearing it. But anyway, House says poor old Derek still has those women's issues, and he's betting Derek's blockage has something to do with that. Chase tells him to go back to court and that they can handle this without him, although the last time they tried that, a guy's brain got fried for no reason, so, not so much. House enters the booth with Cameron and says Derek's got some ladylike narrowing arteries and then makes some crazy analogy about a man with a squeegee on the road that I really don't understand. In fact, I don't understand much of the medical part of this episode at all. A man with menopause? Memory erasing? Broken heart syndrome? And now men with squeegees? It's like the writers came across a bunch of really cool-sounding medical things but couldn't figure out an episode to put them into individually, so they just stuck them all into this one. Anyway, the test finds a spinal meningioma. A special magical one that prior tests didn't see any hint of. Way to fucking go, guys. You missed it, and now Derek has no brain. House explains that the meningioma was pushing on Derek's vocal chords, causing his voice to raise. Not, as they thought, the eletroshock therapy or the menopause. So he doesn't have menopause after all? Anyway, the meningioma was blocking oxygen to Derek's brain and creating the false memories. "Memories cause love, love kills," House concludes. On this show, it certainly does. House says that the memory wipe wasn't a complete suck move, as it bought them time to find the real problem. "On the other hand," House rightly points out, "if we had been better, we wouldn't have needed the time." He orders surgery to remove the meningioma and heads out.
Cameron stops him outside, of course, and says that she "just heard" that House apologized to Wilson. How? Is it cafeteria gossip? I hope it's because Wilson ran downstairs and threw it in Cameron's face. And good that that's on the tip of her brain instead of tremendous guilt about the fact that her failure to follow up with Amy or the brother caused Derek to no longer have memories. House shrugs this off, but Cameron won't be gotten rid of that easily. She hugs House, who makes a variety of facial expressions at this turn of events, none of them exactly thrilled. "Excuse me," he says, "I have to go to jail." And he leaves. Cameron watches him go. We do not get to see Chase and Foreman watching her from inside the room and pointing and laughing at her rejection. But you know they are. Shoot, I'll bet even Derek Nobrains is laughing about how Cameron got dumped on her ass like that.
Back in court, Cuddy has taken the stand. House returns to court and is sassed by Judge Helen and her Judi Dench haircut for his absence. The prosecutor continues and asks Cuddy to identify PPTH's pharmacy log, and I can't see what the administrator of the entire hospital should have to do with this matter, but whatever. She identifies House's signature on the pharmacy log for Mr. Zebalusky's pills and acknowledges that the patient was dead when House picked them up. The prosecutor asks Cuddy to agree that House had no medical reason for taking those pills, and Cuddy pauses to exchange a hot look of love with House before saying that House never got those pills. You see, she had a feeling he would try to take them and swapped the oxycodone pills out with placebos, and she has the pharmacy inventory report to prove it. OH! Chaos kind of ensues as Shitter stands up and starts accusing Cuddy of lying and forging the inventory report and Dwayne Wayne jumps up and asks for the case to be dismissed. Shitter says he's got plenty more evidence to show, and I don't see how the fact that House didn't actually get the pills changes the fact that he wanted to and would have if Cuddy hadn't done something. Apparently it does, or maybe Judge Helen has seen the last six episodes and is as sick of this arc as the rest of us. She tells everyone to shut up and addresses Cuddy directly, asking her why she waited until now to make this little revelation. "I guess I never expected it to go this far," Cuddy says ruefully. And with that, Judge Helen excuses Cuddy and tells House that he has better friends than he deserves, which she can tell after all of the one interaction she's had with him, and that "rules and laws apply to everyone. You are not as special as you think." She has a point. House does think he's really special. He thinks his pain is special and his talents are special and he should get away with stuff that other people can't because of it. Judge Helen then addresses Shitter directly and says she's pretty sure that House is not the big bad drug dealer risk Shitter has been trying to make him out to be and that Shitter can get over whatever House did to him that caused all this fuss on his own time, not the court's. She dismisses the case, but doesn't drop the contempt charges against House. He'll spend the night in jail and then go back to rehab. House doesn't seem too upset about this, though; one night in jail is a lot better than the ten years he was facing. Shitter just makes a sad face and feels like an asshole.
The bailiff escorts House out, but not before Shitter asks to speak with him. And it all comes down to this; the arc, the storyline, the last seven episodes, our investment in all of it: "Good luck. I hope I'm wrong about you," Shitter says. He gives House one last smirk to try to save face, and then he's out of our lives. House doesn't really know what to say about that. Neither do I.
Cameron tells Derek that the meningioma is gone and Derek will be fine from here on out. Well, except for the fact that he has no memories from before. He asks Cameron what he's supposed to do now, and she just says he has people who love him and will take care of him. "You start over," she says, looking all full of hope and optimism. Don't feel too bad, Derek; at least Cameron didn't kill you like she did that other guy.
Cuddy and Wilson stop by jail to see House. He immediately asks Cuddy for a conjugal visit, but she's pissed. "You made me PERJURE MYSELF!" Cuddy basically shouts in the middle of jail which, if I'm not mistaken, is probably populated by prison guards and other police officials; "FABRICATE EVIDENCE!" I hope you're all looking forward to the seven-episode-arc where Cuddy faces off against Judge Helen, who's hell-bent on punishing Cuddy for lying in court! "You make everyone around you worse for being there," Cuddy says, adding that House has a lot of making up to do. He'll be doing Cuddy's bidding from now on, including clinic hours (yay!), student lectures (yay!), and finding donors (money donors or sperm donors? Because it's boo! if it's sperm donors). With that, she leaves. Wilson gives House his meds from rehab, and House wants to know if he got them from the pharmacy or Voldemort. Wilson doesn't see that difference until he notices the tell-tale way House downs the pills. "That's Vicodin!" he gasps. Yes, House was paying Voldemort to slip him Vicodin, presumably after Shitter made it clear that rehab wouldn't get House off of those charges. I hope House paid Voldemort a lot, because I have to believe that Wilson is going to make damn sure Voldemort is fired for this. And how did Voldemort get that Vicodin, anyway? He's no doctor. But who cares? I'm just happy to see that House is back and wasn't buying into that rehab stuff after all. Wilson asks House if his apology was sincere. "Believe what you want," House says with a smile. I choose to believe that House hasn't changed -- much. Maybe a little. Enough for this all not to be a waste and for the apology to be sincere, but not too much for the show to change. I can be satisfied with that. "Good night, House," Wilson says. "Good night, Wilson," House answers. Derek would say good night too, but he doesn't remember anyone's name.