By Sara M
House is back! House is back! House is baaaack! Yay! PPTH's nurses are on strike and waving around some very familiar-looking signs when one nurse's husband collapses. He and his wife are forced to cross the picket line, where House finds the man and decides that his constant niceness is a symptom that must be treated. The man tests positive for syphilis, but the treatment only seems to make him worse, as his liver fails and he has a heart attack. Meanwhile, Kumar decides that if niceness is a symptom, so then must be meanness, and he finds a vial of House's blood lying around the lab and tests it. It also comes out positive for syphilis, and Kumar practices his own special brand of doctor-patient confidentiality by telling everyone about it, including Chase and Cameron. Of course, House doesn't actually have syphilis -- he just planted the vial there to see if the kids would test it. He enjoys pretending to take his syphilis medication and getting nicer at the apparent expense of his diagnostic skills, so much so that he can't help but brag about his little scheme to Wilson. Wilson, of course, runs straight to girlfriend Amber and tells her, and she, in turn, tells the New Cottages. So now not only does House know he cannot trust Wilson, but he also doesn't get the chance to figure out what's really wrong with his patient, as Kumar realizes that he doesn't have syphilis after all, but a parasite that gives syphilis tests a false positive. Also, House and CTB attempt to share custody of Wilson with Cuddy acting as the family court judge. It goes about as well as Chase's attempts to find out if Cameron slept with House.
I love this show and I'm so happy it's back! Yay! In typical House meta style, we open on a nurses strike outside PPTH. The nurses are holding strike signs that look really familiar, and it's good to see that instead of throwing all those writers strike signs away and creating more garbage for our nation's landfills, they're just recycling them into show props! I really hope that we don't have an entire show dedicated to thinly-veiled references to the writers strike, although I'd understand if we did. I just want to forget all about now and be happy my show is back. Until the SAG strike takes it away again. "I never thought walking in a circle at two miles an hour would be draining," one nurse complains as she marches arm-and-arm with her non-nurse husband. Okay, I just have to say that walking two miles an hour for four hours a day, four days a week is NOT draining. Mentally draining, maybe, although I'm sure sitting in the writers room for twelve hours a day is equally so. But physically? No. Not even a little bit. And if you think it is, try working construction for one day. Not four hours -- an actual, real working day. That's draining. Husband Jeff says it's not so bad, as Deb's getting fresh air and exercise. And the fact that I just gave them names means they'll be our POTW family. Deb tells him to look on the negative side -- their income just got cut in half. Yeah, well, so did that of the people who recap what the nurses do all day at www.nursingwithoutpity.com. Although I haven't read much of that site since it got bought by Kaiser Permanente. It's just not the same! Jeff says they get to spend twice as much time together, but that's not necessarily a positive, from what I've seen of him thus far.
A package delivery guy arrives with some boxes and a chip on his shoulder. The picket line gathers in front of him and say they have a legal right to hold him up for fifteen seconds. Doesn't seem like such a big deal, although one hopes the guy isn't delivering, like, a heart or something time-sensitive that could save a life. Regardless, the delivery man isn't having it, so he rams the boxes into Deb's shin, which is kind of silly. First of all, the guy should be happy to have a fifteen second break in his work day. Second of all, you'd think he'd support his fellow blue-collar brethren. Speaking of support, Jeff doesn't offer a whole lot as he does not punch the guy in the face for attacking his wife, but rather tells him to "relax" and then hugs the guy when he gets even angrier and more confrontational. The delivery guy pushes him away, and Jeff cheerfully reports that the fifteen seconds are up as his eyes go all vertical nystagmus-y and he collapses, presenting the nurses with a moral dilemma. They don't want to break their own picket line and scab by doing their nursing jobs, but the guy has collapsed right in front of them. And what will Deb do? She'll have to ambulance her husband all the way to St. Sebastian's for medical treatment so as not to cross the picket line, right? Right?
I guess strike ethics have their limits, as the time we see Jeff and Deb, they're in PPTH's ER, which is a mob scene. Without nurses, the doctors have to fend for themselves, which I'm sure won't compromise patient care whatsoever. It's one thing for people to be without their new TV shows -- it's quite another for them to die because there are no nurses. I'm not sure how I feel about nursing strikes. While the new Cottages run amok, House calmly sips his soda before basically staring right at the camera and declaring that "this place is a mess!" Don't look at me, House. It's disconcerting. Who's directorial decision was that? Oh, wait a second -- it's Deran Serafian! My arch-nemesis. At least he's letting us see the characters' faces this time. We then get a House's eye view of Cameron as she runs up and hands House a file, looking at the camera and saying this is what happens when the nursing staff goes on strike. Hmph. As far as I'm concerned, the nursing staff went on strike when Evil Nurse Brenda stopped working there. Bring her back, I say! This should be her husband whose health problems we're dedicated an episode to. And then that husband should die so that she can hook up with House and get her own spin-off, like Addison from Grey's Anatomy! House points out that he doesn't use nurses, so he's weathering this storm just fine. Hmm...so if the striking nurses are like the striking writers, does that make House the reality show of PPTH?
House helps himself to a chair, satisfied that Cuddy won't find him to assign him work as he hides from her in plain sight. Cameron knows House well enough not to bother forcing him to do anything. He manages to find work all on his own, though, as he sees Jeff sitting on a gurney with a smile on his face that makes him look sort of simple. "Who's the idiot?" House asks. Cameron recites Jeff's stats to House: fainting spell and dysgeusia, which apparently means that everything tastes like lemon meringue pie. Oooh, I like lemon meringue pie. Dysgeusia sounds like a good symptom. House refuses to take the case from Cameron, but he will talk to Jeff, who says he's been here for two meals' worth of time so far but sees no reason to complain about it. And here comes Deb the Evil Picket Line Crosser, who rubs Jeff's shoulder while suggesting they say something to try to get seen by a doctor. "They're doing their best," Jeff assures her. House can't stand this passive niceness, so he slams his cane down on Jeff's foot. "Ow!" Jeff says. "What the hell?" Deb inquires. I don't know why she's getting all hot and bothered; it's not like Jeff stood up for her when her shins came under attack from the delivery guy. "I'm sure it was an accident," Jeff says, still smiling. "Is he Canadian?" House asks. If he was, he'd be very confused at the lack of free and efficient health care, wouldn't he? "He's a low priority," Cameron says. "Is that a yes?" House asks. Ha ha! Canadian jokes are always funny. "He's just -- " Deb starts, somehow feeling the need to explain her husband's behavior even though he does not. "Happy," House finishes, looking alarmed; "I've gotta stop this before it spreads!" With that, he assembles the new Cottages (there's no sign of Foreman, so I guess he's allowed to just sit around the conference room wearing his latest pink tie and not work very much ever), and off they go!
House writes Jeff's symptoms on the board, being sure to include "NICENESS" in big angry letters. House comes up with all manner of hardcore diagnoses for Jeff, such as tongue cancer and various metabolic disorders. Taub, whose glass is half-full, says if you discount the niceness symptom, it could just be the flu. 13 thinks she's so awesome when she sarcastically wonders if Jeff has both the flu and "decent parenting." House says that Jeff's niceness wasn't in order to accomplish anything or suck up to anyone, and therefore must be some sort of genetic defect. Kumar scoffs at this; "niceness is a defect?" Meanwhile, Kumar only just noticed that House put niceness up on the board as a symptom, so who's slow now? House proves his theory by showing how evolution cleverly removed the nice cavemen from our species, as they all died out after inviting attackers over for dinner. This is some shaky scientific ground, but Foreman entertains House's theory and asks how long Jeff has been "suffering" from his niceness. House says at least as long as his wife has known him, which is eleven years. Foreman asks how Jeff could have a symptom so long without developing further complications. You mean like fainting and tasting lemon meringue pie? "What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? Where do you think we are? Twenty-first century America?" House asks. Oh, snap, creationists! You just got told. It's cute of House to think that the tendency to ignore scientific evidence in favor of biblical fantasy is limited to America, however.
For more pseudo-scientific generalizations, we go over to Kumar, who says "the world is a bell curve." Thus, while most people will be equal parts nice and mean, some will be mostly mean and some will be mostly nice. Case in point, Kumar says subtlely: House, who's at the "asshole" end of the spectrum just in case you hadn't already figured that out. Meanwhile, Foreman suspects that House is just trying to prove that niceness is a bad thing so he can keep being an asshole and chalk it up to an evolutionary advantage. House kindly offers to take a vote, first asking who thinks niceness is not a symptom immediately, and then providing a follow-up question of who thinks his vote matters. Guess what? Only House raises his hand for the second question, and he's right. With that, House sends Kumar and Foreman off to break into Jeff's house. He addresses 13 as "31," and she corrects him, setting him up to say "oh, I'm sorry -- I thought that either way was good for you." Cause she's BISEXUAL!!!! They're going to get a lot of mileage out of this, aren't they? Which reminds me, I'm still calling her Biana until the show gives her a real name. Anyway, Biana and Taub are assigned to MRI of DOOOM! duty to look for tumors and to test all of Jeff's bodily fluids.
As for House, he's going to blow my mind by going bowling...with Chase! Even though he has a bad leg, he's still better at bowling than I am, as he knocks over nine pins. My ball always goes into the gutter. No matter what. Even when there are bumpers out, I have managed to get a gutterball. Chase, on the other hand, is a bowling enthusiast, and even has his own glove! He gives House tips on how to improve his score that I'm sure House tosses into his mental garbage, and then asks if this social invite is due to Wilson have someone better to do. With that, Chase bowls a strike and is goofily thrilled with himself. While House chugs a beer, Chase again asks if Wilson is with CTB again. Yes, House says, he is. Still, Chase thanks House for the default hang out invite and claims to be having fun. Really? I find social situations with the boss -- even a former boss -- to be rather awkward. Oh, except for the time when my boss at Blockbuster took us out to a bar after our shift, although that was just because I was underage and thrilled to get into a bar without being carded because I was with older people. House quickly smacks Chase down and says he only invited him because he wanted to go bowling and guys can't go bowling alone -- it "isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves." We don't find out what the first thing is, but House says the second thing involves the "other hand." I guess he's never been invited to a circle jerk.
With that, Chase says that even if House won't admit to being nice by inviting Chase, he still can't simply dismiss the concept of kindness. Chase points out that since the word exists, the concept must as well. That's stupid, Chase. Santa doesn't exist, either. By the way, scissors do exist, both in word and concept, so why not use them? Chase decides to keep on bonding with House, and even offers him some advice about Wilson. Cameron, he claims, has an "insufferable friend" who Chase couldn't stand to be around. So he simply told Cameron to see that friend on Thursdays only. Okay, I don't believe a word of this. There's no way Cameron has a friend, insufferable or otherwise. She must have been talking to a reflection of herself in a mirror and Chase got confused. Hell, he's probably wondering why that awful blonde women keeps coming over and sleeping with him and when his brunette girlfriend will come back. House, for his part, can't believe the amount of insufferable friends of Cameron is only one. With that, he gets an idea and Chase gets a strike. When he turns around to celebrate, House is gone. Aw. The look on Chase's face is probably the same on that was on Jesse Spencer's when he got the first script of this season and saw that his lines (all three of them!) were gone.
House is at Wilson and CTB's apartment with a proposal for CTB: "joint custody." This is ludicrous, and yet, House and CTB argue the terms while Wilson sits at the kitchen table and reads, perfectly happy to watch people fight over him. CTB orders Wilson to deal with this, but Wilson says he doesn't know how to deal with House when he's being reasonable. "You're not a child. You can make your own plans," CTB says. Wilson is just happy that House isn't swapping CTB's lubricant for superglue. Way to reveal to House that you guys need lube, Wilson. You know he's going to shout that factoid to everyone in the Clinic sooner or later. House demands every other weekday and every other weekend. CTB will only agree to every other weekend and Wednesdays, and Wilson must be home by eleven. House wants Mondays, too, with a midnight curfew. CTB nixes that, saying they won't be asleep until two. For people who need lube, they sure are horny. House orders Wilson to settle this, to which Wilson chuckles and declines. For you see, only people with backbones may make rulings, and Wilson clearly is lacking one. "You two are like dogs circling each other in the park -- and I say that with all the love in the world," Wilson says, as CTB looks appalled. What a charmer she has for a boyfriend! Wilson continues that they need to work this out for themselves or else it'll never happen. It may not ever happen if they're left up to their own devices, as CTB orders House to take her deal or leave. House threatens to stay until she takes his deal. One of these propositions will get the police called, House, so you don't have much of a leg to stand on. As usual.
Foreman and Kumar explore Jeff's house and find that his niceness just continues as pictures of Jeff working with Habitat for Humanity in Costa Rica and coaching handicapped kids adorn the walls. Oh, please. I have framed pictures of me volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and team pictures of the handicapped baseball team I coach all over my house; it doesn't mean they're real. I just had a friend Photoshop my face on them because I wanted to impress guests. Foreman says Jeff seems "too perfect." Kumar disagrees, saying that Jeff is merely trying to be perfect. "That's what people do," he says; they try to be nice and good. Except for House, who is the exception to the rule. Foreman tires of this conversation and finds some hydrofluoric acid in a cabinet. Exposure to that could cause fainting and lemon meringue pie mouth, if not the incredible kindness.
But let us leave the medical mystery stuff this show was built on for some cartoony fun times in Cuddy's office, as House, Wilson, and CTB, who may or may not work at PPTH, have crowded in front of Judge Cuddy for approval of their custody arrangement. Judge Cuddy, by the way, has better things to do, such as settle the nurses strike. And yet, here she is, doing House's bidding. CTB explains that Wilson is "too much of a wuss to make the call for himself -- and I mean that with all the love in the world." CTB thinks she's awesome for that little callback, but the fact is that Wilson is chilling out in the back of the room eating his Sun Chips and clearly beyond caring. And Sun Chips are good, so Wilson wins this round. Cuddy sees a way to get something for her own personal benefit out of this deal and produces a file. "Your treatment of patients is reprehensible," she starts as House rolls his eyes. "You're reading his performance review?" Wilson asks. "I'M BUSY. WE HAVE A NURSES STRIKE," Cuddy growls, and Wilson backs off like the wuss he is. Cuddy continues that House is abusive to employees as CTB turns to go. Wilson whines that he wants to hear the review. Heh heh. Cuddy finishes that House does not follow rules and is racist and sexist. "That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute," House says. Cuddy, why bother with this exercise in futility? He won't change and you won't make him change. The fact that you continue to act as though he might without giving him any additional reason to simply makes you look super-lame at administrating. Cuddy tells House to sign the review as Kumar bursts in. House says he'll sign it if Cuddy gives them a custody ruling. Why does he even care? It's not like he has any intention of abiding by it. Kumar steals one of Wilson's Sun Chips and observes. Cuddy says she'll give them a ruling if House does his team's performance reviews. Yeah, I'm so sure he'll do them. But he says he will, and Cuddy agrees to whatever terms CTB offered House. Despite not winning Monday nights, House is still pleased; Wednesday night are ladies' night at Cheetah's, which I'm assuming is the local strip joint. More innocently, it could also be the pet name of the local African Animals Appreciation Society.
Kumar finally gives House the big news on Jeff. Are you ready for this? Sit tight, because Jeff's calcium levels are ... NORMAL! Actually, this is significant because Jeff's calcium should be low with all the hydrofluoric acid he keeps around the house for his carpet cleaning business. I find it kind of funny that hydroFLOORic acid is used for carpet cleaning. House says that could mean that Jeff actually has high levels of calcium, and the acid is lowering them to make things appear normal. And House has just the diagnosis, which he assures Kumar will be fun to give. As it's minute 14, I'm going to assume is also wrong.
House and the New Cottages report to Jeff's room, where House informs Jeff that his kindness, if genuine, is throwing off the theory of human evolution. Then he tells Jeff his wife is "very ugly." "Get out of here!" Deb says. Deb has been on strike for a looong time if she's forgotten what House is like. For even if she's never worked near him and only worked at PPTH for a short time before the strike, there's no way House isn't a legend around there and she wouldn't know what to expect from him and that she'll have to take it in order to save her husband. Of course, Jeff tells her to calm down and wait for House to prove whatever point he's obviously trying to make. House says he just did -- Jeff is either perfect or sick. Huh? I don't think it's that perfect for a husband to lie around and let someone insult his wife. Or attack her, like the UPS guy did. I'm not saying Jeff should be slugging everyone who looks at Deb the wrong way, but you'd think he'd defend her a little bit, you know? Even in a nice way. House says Jeff cannot possibly be perfect, so therefore he must be sick. And there's even a name for his illness: Williams syndrome. I'm not sure why he had to insult Deb to say all this. House continues that Williams syndrome means Jeff is missing a gene that gives him suspicious feelings. And not being suspicious apparently means you're nice. And there's no cure, so Jeff will be nice forever. Taub pisses on House's diagnosis parade by pointing out that Williams has other symptoms that Jeff doesn't share, such as low IQ and an elfin appearance. House points out that Jeff is a carpet cleaner, a professional that doesn't necessarily require brains, and he does sort of look elfin, maybe. What about perfect pitch? Kumar asks. Okay, hold the freaking phone here. There's a disease that gives you perfect pitch? No way. No way! But I have looked it up on wikipedia and, while it doesn't appear to be something that everyone with Williams syndrome has, they do have a much higher prevalence of it than the rest of the population. I find it kind of incredible that a gene can be responsible for both suspiciousness and musical ability like that. By the way, Williams syndrome is also called "cocktail-party syndrome" because its victims are so darned outgoing and friendly, and if it wasn't for the lower IQ/mental retardation thing would be a sweet genetic disease to have. I'm already popular and have perfect pitch, so I know what an awesome life it is.
Anyway, Jeff and his wife are quick to say that Jeff sucks at music, and House is reluctant to believe this diagnosis-destroying fact until Jeff sings a song from the Bread oeuvre. He serenades his wife while she looks around the room with a "see? Told you he sucked" look on her face. And he does, but how many people are at their musical best in a hospital bed? Everyone's glad when the music stops until they realize Jeff stopped singing because he's having a stroke, which is something Deb the Nurse should have recognized immediately but didn't. I guess her nursing skills are rusty because of the strike.
Back from break, Taub doesn't hesitate to tell House his diagnosis was incorrect. House tells Taub it isn't nice to revel in his boss's failures while Kumar backs Taub up by saying that Jeff tested negative for Williams. They have tests for Williams? You'd think these doctors would try running the test before going to the patient and pronouncing him genetically defective and stupid, then. Good thing Jeff is nice enough to forgive and forget. Kumar goes on, but House interrupts him to give him his performance review, which he can impressively recite from memory: "you have a friendly demeanor, but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your peers and patients and you complete tasks in a timely manner." While Biana and Taub glare at Kumar, all jealous of his positive review, Foreman asks how that is supposed to help Kumar improve. House says it probably didn't help Wilson either, as this is one of Wilson's old reviews that House simply copied and gave to Kumar without even bothering to cross Wilson's name off of it. Foreman wants to help the little New Cottages grow and change through performance reviews, but House ignores him and says Jeff has neurosyphilis. So did Jeff's natural friendliness cause him to get syphilis or did the syphilis make him friendly? It's like the chicken or the egg question, isn't it? Kumar looks up from his fake review long enough to volunteer to run the tests. Biana and Taub follow him out.
When the kids are safely out of earshot, Foreman says Kumar is running the test despite his own belief that House's diagnosis is wrong because Kumar is "a wimp" and afraid of House. Meanwhile, what is Foreman's job? He sits around looking smug and that's it. I don't understand the point of hiring him back or paying Omar Epps a salary if this is all he's going to be limited to. Foreman Wilsons that House needs to give the reviews so that the New Cottages may learn and stuff. You mean like Foreman did? He learned so much from House that he's unhireable anywhere else. Which is why he's worked for House for four years, which is more than enough time for him to realize that House isn't going to give any fucking performance reviews and no one can make him or present it in a way that will change House's mind. Foreman volunteers to do the reviews for House, which was what House was setting him up for all along. Well, it's not like Foreman's schedule was super-busy anyway, right?
Jeff denies having syphilis, of course. Kumar says Jeff can't know that his wife didn't cheat on him and give it to him. Jeff half-smiles (stroke, you know) and says this is a waste of time and that he (and, I guess, his wife?) were tested for STDs when they signed up for the Peace Corps. Kumar says that was ten years ago, which is plenty of time for his wife to stray. Jeff says he's not as naïve as Kumar thinks he is, and then naively says knows his wife, and that she loves him and always has. That still doesn't mean she wouldn't cheat. Just ask Taub.
The ladies swoon as House plays his piano while waiting for CTB to drop Wilson off. There's a knock at the door, and it's some guy selling religion. House shoos him away as CTB and Wilson arrive. That was weird. Did someone win a walk-on role on House contest or something? Anyway, House informs CTB that she is sixteen minutes late. CTB shrugs it off, saying they're just going mini-golfing together and it's not like they have a tee-off time. Ah, CTB. Not even a regular cast member of this show and still one of my favorite people. Not only that, but right now she's getting more lines than the three who got the fellow jobs. Wilson says the tardiness is his fault because he had to take a shower. CTB is quick to say that was her fault. I guess she got lube all over him when they had sex. Also, ewww. House gets all jealous and orders CTB out of his house. "Have fun on your playdate. You've got Mommy's numbers, right?" CTB says on her way out. Yeah, go ahead and make fun of the situation you're fifty percent responsible for creating, CTB.
Biana walks into House's office, only to find Foreman sitting behind the desk. She has a theory about Jeff and a heart problem, but Foreman would rather fulfill his non-destiny by giving her a performance review. "I think you've shown remarkable strength in a difficult situation," he starts. Um, how is that any better than House's performance reviews? What is he even talking about? What "difficult situation?" For that matter, what "tremendous strength?" Biana doesn't bother with any of these questions, preferring instead of laugh at Foreman for thinking he's above her in any way. Foreman assures her the review will be a positive one, but Biana doesn't care. She has better things to do, and turns to leave. Ouch, Foreman. Maybe the New Cottages would respect you more if you, like, practiced medicine instead of sitting around the conference room all day. Just a thought! Kumar enters and says that House was right: Jeff has neurosyphilis.
Kumar gives Jeff and Deb the great news while Biana and Taub rudely watch the proceedings from the hall. Taub says he knows how it's going inside already: they'll say the test is wrong, Kumar will tell them he ran it twice to make sure. Then each spouses blame each other, which is stupid because obviously half of the pair is lying and knows it, and the other half will know it as well. Unless, Biana points out, they both cheated. Since this is House, I'm sure they did. Taub feelingly says that's what you hope for when you get caught -- until it actually happens. "Then you realize that that sucks worse," Taub sighs. I'm sorry, but if you cheat on your wife you don't get to be upset if she cheats on you, too. And if you do, maybe you should think about those hurt feelings the time you decide to cheat, hmm? Biana just looks at Taub, all amused at these mortals and their preference for just one gender.
Inside Jeff's room, the conversation is not going as Taub planned. Jeff doesn't get suspicious or admit that he's been caught. Instead, he says the STD test he took for the Peace Corps. must have been wrong. I'd be kind of upset if I'd been walking around for at least ten years with syphilis because the Peace Corps. couldn't get their STD-testing act together, but not Jeff. He's nice. Deb doesn't seem to mind too much either, even though this should mean that she, too, has syphilis. "What other explanation is there?" Jeff says. Kumar invites Deb to talk in the hall, where she is quick to deny sleeping around. If that's the case, Kumar says, then shouldn't she be really mad at Jeff, since he must have? That's a good point, but Deb only non-answers that when you meet someone who's "too nice," you get annoyed because he reminds you of everything you're not. And then you ask yourself why you can't be too nice as well, and fall in love with the "naïve idiot" and become a better person. A better person who doesn't mind her husband sleeping around, apparently. Then she asks the real question, the one that's been on her mind from the beginning; "do you really think I've been in love all these years with a symptom?" She's upset, but it could be worse. What if she was really shallow and fell in love with a guy because she found his huge balls really sexy, only to find out it was elephantiasis? At least she fell in love with something worth falling in love with. It is embarrassing that it's an STD, though. Kumar just says that as they treat the syphilis, the lesions on Jeff's brain will clear up and his personality could change. Deb says she knows her husband is truly nice and isn't worried, except that she sounds really worried. Kumar reminds her that she probably has syphilis, too. Double worries for Deb! And no nurses around to do the blood test, either.
At the cafeteria, Kumar doesn't understand why when House is super-mean, it's healthy, but Jeff is only super-nice because his brain is ridden with syphilis. Taub says he can prove it, and asks Kumar for five bucks. Kumar hands the money over readily and Taub keeps it, thereby displaying how "niceness" is a shortcoming. I wouldn't call that "niceness," though. Niceness would be if Taub said he needed five dollars for food for his starving children in Africa and Kumar gave it up. This was just Kumar being a dope. There is a difference. "Being an ass generally turns a profit," Taub concludes. Foreman pretends to chuckle and gets down to business, asking Kumar to take off so he can give Taub his performance review. Taub tells Kumar to stick around, as there will be no performance review because Foreman is not their boss. If he wants to give Taub a peer review, he's more than welcome, although Taub gets to give his first: "you demonstrate a great air of confidence, which is really pissing me off." Heh heh. I like Taub. He has no need for performance reviews. He's been a doctor longer than Foreman and Kumar put together. Foreman says he was authorized by House to do this, to which Taub tells Foreman to buy a clue and realize that House only did that because he knew the New Cottages wouldn't go for it and it'd just make Foreman feel like a nothing: "he gave you authority to keep you in your place," Taub summarizes. And really, Foreman should've known that by now. Kumar isn't paying attention to either of them, as he's had a brainstorm about Jeff: if there's something wrong with Jeff, then there must be something wrong with House. I agree! House has a bad case of notsurewheretogowiththeshowitis. Symptoms include deviating from the medical mystery platform that made it a success and veering off into cartoon sitcom plots like House and CTB fighting over custody of Wilson that make you question the competence, sanity, and likeability of all characters involved. Also, a having a character dye her hair blonde and not telling anyone why.
House and Wilson did not go mini-golfing. They're at a bar, and Wilson has a couple girly martinis lined up in front of him. Wilson slurringly asks House if he's trying to get him drunk. House just smiles. When Wilson finds out that's it's 10:30, he goofily says, "ooooh, she'll kill you!" House shrugs and pushes another drink in Wilson's direction and promises to bring him home before lights out. "Then she'll kill me," Wilson whines, taking the drink and stammering that if he gets any drunker, "it," he says, with this hilarious look on his face; "might not work." He makes that expression again, and I guess I can see what people see in Wilson. He is kind of adorable here. I say make Wilson drunk all the time from here on out. As for House, he totally knew that drinks made Wilson go soft since at least one of Wilson's ex-wives told House this little factoid. Wow, Wilson must have really pissed her or them off for them to talk to House, let alone tell him something so potentially damaging. Wilson can't believe that House was pretending to be so reasonable about CTB, only to lure him out to a bar and impotence. Wilson, when did you get so gullible?
House doesn't have to answer Wilson right away, as he gets a call from the kids. Jeff is apparently vomiting blood now, which we don't even get to see on-camera anymore because this show is apparently sick of being about people who work in a hospital. Seriously, when's the last time the Magic Schoolbus Cam did anything? Sigh. Taub writes hematemesis down on the Whiteboard O'Symptoms, but House has eyes in the back of his phone and tells Taub to leave his board alone. Taub dutifully erases the symptom and says syphilis can cause hematemesis. But House knows that both Biana and Kumar don't agree with this, and Taub marvels at House's mind-reading abilities. Indeed, Biana and Kumar think Jeff's syphilis should be getting better with the medicine, not worse. Therefore, they think the bleeding is from liver damage caused by either the carpet cleaning chemicals (which, I'll just say right now, where one big red herring this week) or the penicillin Jeff is taking for the syphilis. Biana says it'll take a full day for the tests to come back. "A full night, actually," House says, as the Cottages groan.
With that, House returns to Wilson and says that while he wanted to provoke a fight between Wilson and CTB by getting Wilson drunk and impotent, he also knows that Wilson allowed himself to get drunk, even knowing what could happen. Therefore, House says, Wilson must not want to be with CTB. House's mind tricks won't work on Wilson tonight, as he's too drunk to allow them to penetrate into the inner sanctum of insecurity. Instead, Wilson says he just got carried away having drinks with someone he thought was his friend. He slams some money down on the counter and staggers out. Meanwhile, I wouldn't think any guy would want to be in a relationship with someone who would yell at them for having erection issues. Or, for that matter, in a friendship with someone who would help cause them. But clearly Wilson cares a lot less about his own penis than House and CTB do.
While Taub and Biana do their jobs in the lab and test Jeff for various liver ailments, Kumar does some extra credit work, checking out the syphilis test he ran on some of House's blood he apparently found lying around. And it's positive. Everyone greets this news with grave looks on their faces, as if syphilis isn't easily cured. They're so shocked and upset, in fact, that no one questions why there would be a vial of House's blood lying around the lab in the first place or if that blood was fresh enough or properly stored to even run an accurate test. I mean, come on.
House is watching his soap opera, which I'm sure we won't be hearing any more about in week's episode, when his entire staff enters his office. By the way, I love the way the soap actress lady said the line "it will destroy her!" The four line up in front of House's desk and Kumar, his tone super-grave, tells House to turn off the TV. This is silly. I once recapped an episode of 7th Heaven where one of the Camden kids paid dearly for daring to have premarital sex by worrying that he might have an STD. They never said which STD, but Simon ran around acting like it was the end of the world when most STDs can be cured with antibiotics. In fact, I have a friend who got Chlamydia in college and they just gave him one big pill. I'm sure it's no fun to get an STD, but this isn't Victorian times anymore. That episode of 7th Heaven was stupid and so is this. Taub gives the news about the patient first, saying he tested positive for (non-viral, although I'm not sure why that's relevant) hepatitis. Um ... that sounds like a problem. And a big deal. But they never really mention it again, so whatever. House orders Taub to put Jeff on steroids and test him for sarcoidosis. Taub is happy to have an assignment and escape from this awkwardness, but Biana won't let him leave, whispering "we're all doing this." Oh, come on now! All four of them need to deliver this news? Do all four of them even need to know this news? Note to my friends: if you ever happen to come across a vial of my blood and have STD testing equipment and something comes up positive, please don't gather everyone I know and come to my apartment to deliver the news, okay? You can just text me. No biggie.
"You have syphilis," Foreman announces. How embarrassing. House turns his television off and denies it. Kumar says "one of" the Cottages found a vial of his blood in the lab. No one will say who that Cottage was, although since this happened in the lab and not the conference room I think House can safely assume it wasn't Foreman. "It's treatable," Foreman says. Yeah, I think House knows this, considering the fact that he's treating one of his patients for it right now. I also don't think he has syphilis. Biana hands House some syphilis-curing pills she got from the pharmacy, so Marco the Pharmacist probably knows about this, too. House looks sad, which is weird and should be telling the Cottages that he's totally playing them. Except that they're too nice to be suspicious, so Kumar gently asks House if he's okay. House doesn't answer him and sad music plays. Syphilis is not AIDS, people. What is the problem here? Just because he has syphilis doesn't mean it's neurosyphilis, or that it's caused him to be mean, or that the meanness has caused him to be a brilliant doctor! They're treating this like they did the last time House tricked his team into thinking he was sick, and that was terminal brain cancer! This is slightly lower on the serious illness spectrum. The Cottages decide to leave House alone with his syphilis-ridden thoughts.
Oh, and now the Cottages have gone and told Cameron and Chase about this, which is such a violation. Not like House has ever been the type to respect patient's rights to privacy, but still! Oh well, I won't complain too much, as I'm glad to see Cameron and Chase have something to do and say, even though they should both know better. Gullible Cameron says the syphilis must explain why House "is who he is." Foreman says it could just be a coincidence. Biana says Wilson said House has always been a jerk. "But he got worse," Taub says. "After his leg!" Cameron says. As for Chase, he just wants to know if Cameron's distress over all of this is because she slept with House. Oh, someone's insecure! His awkward question is greeted with an awkward pause as Cameron chooses not to respond. Kumar says he hopes syphilis-free House will be nicer. "Or less of a doctor!" Cameron frets. Chase just wants an answer to his question. "It's none of their business," Cameron tells him. Yes, well, House's syphilis is none of your business, too, and look. "It's none of your business," she adds, looking at Chase. Chase says it very well is his business, because he has sex with Cameron and now she could have a strain of syphilis that makes you really good at diagnosing stuff! Cameron ignores him and says she thinks House will change for the worse now because humans are complicated, and if you change one thing you could change everything. What if Mozart wasn't such a loser and had friends and played sports? Then he may never have played music. Okay, I think Chase doesn't have to worry about a thing. It's quite clear Cameron doesn't have any STD that makes her smarter with that line of thinking. And yet, he's still pissed off. "You did, didn't you?" he frowns.
As for House, he's visiting with Wilson. He has something important to tell Wilson, but CTB is already in the office, and she is pissed off. House's startled turn when she starts talking is really good, by the way. No matter how much I complain about the show, please know that Hugh Laurie is always awesome. CTB is mad at House for making it so she couldn't have sex with Wilson last night. House doesn't like CTB being in control of when and how he can see Wilson, and she doesn't like House being in control of when and how she can have sex with him. Meanwhile, Wilson should be the one who's angry at both of them, but he doesn't seem to mind being thought of as having no free will of his own. In fact, he's really enjoying being the center of attention, I think. Chicks love it when guys fight over them. CTB says House is afraid that she'll make Wilson happy or miserable, or maybe he just likes fucking with people. Either way, he'll only get worse unless CTB dumps Wilson or kills House. House has the brains to look slightly afraid of this. As CTB has no intention of losing Wilson or murdering anyone (yet), she has a compromise: adding "penalty clauses" into their agreement. House has an idea of what that penalty can entail: finger removal. You know what? That sounds great. Make them do that, and, of course, break the rules and then Hugh Laurie has to finish out the series with some fingers CGI'd out. Go for it. But CTB doesn't like his idea, so he tells her they can figure something else out -- on her time. Apparently, right now is his time, so he opens the door for CTB to leave. She does, and Robert Sean Leonard is sad to have to read lines again. I have a feeling he's perfectly happy having Wilson sit in the background looking confused, and even happier when Wilson isn't there at all.
With CTB gone, House tells Wilson he's dating a crazy woman. Wilson can't see where anything she said to House was wrong. Oh, betrayal! Whatever happened to bros before hos, Wilson? He asks House what he wanted to talk to him about, but House is too annoyed at Wilson for taking CTB's side to tell him, especially because he's sure Wilson will turn around and tell CTB whatever House tells him. Wilson swears he won't. "She's your girlfriend," House says. "You're my friend," Wilson says. "It's not the same," House sighs. What a Jealous Judy!
House can't even escape to his office, as Foreman is there to give his boss a performance review, and it's not very positive. House tries to play the "woe is me STD" card to get Foreman off his back, but Foreman says he's waited long enough for House to "formalize" his "authority" over the other Cottages. House says he doesn't have to authorize anything. In fact, he's using Foreman's lack of proper authority to "empower" his team. To accomplish, House says, somehow involves the New Cottages questioning Foreman and having no respect for him. Fearing Foreman and never opposing him won't teach them anything. Sounds like House is having a good time throwing Foreman's logic back in his face. At least, I hope that's what he's doing. Otherwise this doesn't make sense at all. Foreman doesn't get a chance to say much before Taub enters and says Jeff came back negative for sarcoidosis, not like that stopped them from giving him steroids before knowing if he needed them or not. This seems to throw House for a loop and he tells them to test Jeff for everything possible, a.k.a. he has no idea what's going on with Jeff anymore.
Meanwhile, Jeff's sunny disposition has certainly changed. "YOU BITCH!" he greets his wife as she enters with some lunch. It turns out that she moved his book and that's why he's so angry. This seems perfectly justified to me. You shouldn't move a man's book without asking him first. Honestly, Deb. And now look what she did! Jeff is so angry that he has a heart attack and his monitors beep as Deb springs into action, which is totally against strike rules. She is going to be in big trouble with the NGA unless she went fi-core. And even then, they're going to issue a press release like two months after the strike is over naming her and telling the rest of the NGA is keep her at arm's length. Deb calls out for help, but all the help is outside holding signs. That's why I would have had my husband transferred to St. Sebastian's, where the nurses are given excellent pay and benefits and never go on strike. Fortunately, Taub happens by the room as we go to commercial and Jeff's vitals go to flatline.
Back from break, Jeff appears to be okay, as everyone's in the conference room and Kumar helpfully exposits that Deb saved Jeff's life. "Or she scabbed," House says, ever the union sympathizer. He BELIEVES, people. Not enough to stop working in sympathy to the nurses, but still. House adds Jeff's new symptom to the Whiteboard before handing the marker to Kumar, who is thrilled. Taub, meanwhile, is totally jealous. Ha ha! Kumar guesses the prednisone they gave Jeff for his liver caused "roid rage" which caused hypertension, explaining Jeff's outburst and his heart attack. Since when did regular steroids give you roid rage? My dad takes steroids for his asthma; am I to assume that he will start screaming at me for moving his books? Not like I would move his books. You don't do that to someone. But still, what if? Taub guesses that the penicillin is working and the outburst is Jeff's real personality. But he's also allergic to penicillin, which explains the heart attack. Um, I don't think anyone's real personality is a simmering pot of rage, ready to boil over due to a moved book. House is just pleased to know that syphilis prevents domestic violence, as this will make him even more attractive to the ladies. He makes sure to direct that comment to Biana, just in case she wants some tips. For her part, Biana thinks Jeff has an underlying heart issue, which caused the attack and reduced blood flow to his brain, causing the rage. House says these are all good ideas and tells the team to vote on which one they like best. Of course, they all vote for themselves, leaving Foreman to give the deciding vote. He accuses House of setting him up before going with Biana's diagnosis. House tells them to go for that, drawing weird looks from everyone.
And instead of treating Jeff, they're all sitting around the lounge with Cameron and Chase, worried that by treating House's syphilis, they've also compromised his doctor skills. Kumar thinks they turned Van Gogh into a house painter. Taub cites another famous house painter, saying they may have "put Hitler on Ritalin." Cameron doesn't think it's fair to compare House to Hitler, which annoys Chase. "Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler," Cameron says. You guys, I miss Cameron. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I do. Foreman says this could be a good thing; today, House respected their opinions and even shared his marker. Biana points out that he also didn't care about the case. He didn't vote, nor did he offer up a diagnosis of his own. Solving medical puzzles used to be the only thing House cared about, and now he doesn't. Between the patient I don't know well enough to care about to the custody agreement plot insulting my intelligence to this syphilis plot that makes everyone else look stupid, I don't care about anything either.
Back to the show I'm some sort of recapping, Kumar continues that a positive syphilis test means that either the test was wrong (twice) or he gave them someone else's blood. Oh, he's not talking about Jeff now -- he's talking about House. I guess House put his name on a vial of Jeff's blood? House knows he's busted and demands to know who told them. Kumar does not hesitate as he reveals it was CTB, and poor House is so sad that he has officially lost Wilson to the Dark(er) Side. But Kumar's not done yet! He has another option, and this one does apply to Jeff: the patient has a condition that creates a false positive for syphilis. House knows that Kumar is talking about Chagas Disease, a parasite that's rare in America but not in Costa Rica, where Jeff spent some time while he was in the Peace Corps. The disease could have caused encephalitis, making Jeff's brain swell and causing personality changes. Or maybe he's just actually nice. After all, he got Chagas while he was in the Peace Corps., which means he volunteered for them before he got Chagas. But, whatever. I don't care about Jeff or his wife. Kumar continues that now that they've pumped Jeff full of steroids and compromised his immune symptom, the disease really got a chance to get going, causing the liver damage and heart attack. Wow. Way to ruin Jeff's organs, House. time you might want to test the guy for Williams and sarcoidosis before you treat him. House realizes that he was so busy playing mind games with his fellows and tug-of-war with CTB that he let Kumar have his end-of-show epiphany. Let's hope that means less fucking around week and more of what makes this show so great. With a little fucking around thrown in.
House reports to Jeff's room and says they know what he has and that it's treatable with one pill a day for an entire month. A ten-year-old parasite is curable with one pill a day for a month? Hmmm. Kumar gets to tell Jeff that he has Chagas and that it was asymptomatic for ten years. Except, House says, for a slight swelling of Jeff's brain that would be enough to alter his personality. Deb refuses to believe that her husband's niceness was caused by a parasite. She thinks his one angry outburst was caused by the drugs, to which House asks her if she thinks drugs are more powerful than a parasite. Then he realizes that he's also giving Jeff drugs that are more powerful than a parasite and gets lost and gives up. "I'm not worried," Deb says. "Neither am I," Kumar says even though no one asked him. House adds that he's not worried, but that's because he doesn't care. Neither do I!
House reports to Cuddy's office to give her the performance reviews. She's impressed with the first one. Then she realizes that House just wrote one review and copied it for all the fellows and is less thrilled, but hopefully not surprised. She says it's better than what she was expecting, at least. House says he went above and beyond the call of duty by providing Cuddy with her own review, an idea he got from Foreman: "your treatment of patients is non-existent because you're not a doctor, you're an administrator. Management of employees is -- well, let's face it. They're outside carrying signs." Cuddy points out that the strike has been over for two shifts now, to which House raises his eyebrows and wonders why he didn't notice. "What exactly do they do around here, anyway?" he asks the AMPTP. He reads the rest of the review for us, and it's basically that Cuddy wants and needs someone to fuck her. "What you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable," he concludes. Little does he know that in this one instance, Cuddy wields a little bit of power over him, and now she definitely wants to use it. She leans forward and says CTB told on House for violating the custody agreement. Doesn't CTB have a job? She seems to go around telling on people all day. House says CTB broke the rules by "breaching confidentiality." "You're both losing fingers," Cuddy smirks.
Jeff is eating again, and Deb says he'll probably be discharged tomorrow as she hands him some ketchup. Jeff eats and frowns; ketchup doesn't taste the way it used to. "I guess I don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like," he says, while Deb looks worried despite how her claims that she isn't. And then "You Keep Me Hangin' On" by the Supremes come on the soundtrack! Yay! I love this song. I would also have accepted the '80s version by Kim Wilde, but with less enthusiasm.
Night falls on PPTH, and House and CTB are submitting to Cuddy's punishment, which appears to be changing the sheets of smelly patients. Well, I guess House can learn what exactly it is that the nurses do. He asks CTB what she's doing with Wilson on Friday night, and CTB answers him with a lie. She knows better than to give him the opportunity to show up and ruin things. Wilson watches them work from outside and smiles to himself, although it looks to me like his girlfriend has a lot more chemistry with his best friend than she does with him ...
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.