By Sara M
A couple make out and remove assorted pieces of clothing until they're disturbed by a knock at the door of their hotel room. It's Tom. "Tom -- your husband?" the guy asks the woman he's currently on top of. She throws a hotel robe on and answers the door. There's Tom, who apologizes for intruding on his wife's mid-afternoon romp but there's something she needs to fill out by tomorrow for their daughter. The woman, Julia, grabs the forms and looks for a pen. Tom invites himself in and gives the other guy and his silly ponytail an awkward "hey." Husband and boyfriend shake hands, Julia signs the papers, and Tom gives her a kiss and a "see you later, honey!" before heading out. Well, that was weird. "So ... seems like a nice guy," boyfriend Damian says. Yeah, a little too nice. Julia nods, then keels over with severe stomach pain. Damian is just a pretty boy with a ponytail and thus helpless. "Get Tom!" Julia asks.
It's morning at the Wilson/House apartment, and Sam spent the night again, since she and Wilson are apparently gluttons for punishment and/or the show doesn't want to pay for a Sam's apartment set. Wilson is sitting down to a nice bowl of Colo's Colios, but he'd prefer a stack of French toast from Mickey's, which has been referred to before as his favorite breakfast spot. Nice continuity! Sam finds Mickey's to be gross and heart-attack-inducing and has to go back to her real apartment and change clothes for work, which has something to do with CT scans. Wilson invites her to keep some clothes at his apartment since she's pretty much there every day, at which point House enters and ruins the moment by saying that Wilson just wants to wear Sam's clothes. Like he can't just head down to the nearest Forever 21 and buy his own lady clothes. Please. Sam decides to take off, puts the milk in the fridge door shelf (THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT IN ABOUT THREE SECONDS), and leaves. As soon as she's gone, House points out that she left the milk in the door, and that signifies the end of Wilson's relationship. Wilson doesn't see how, but House says he knows that Wilson hates it when people put milk in the door shelf (how do you even know that about someone you're just friends with? Even if you live together? I have no idea how my roommate feels about fridge milk placement. I would like to know why she always buys half a gallon of 1% and half a gallon of skim, though), but he didn't say anything to Sam when she did it because he doesn't feel like he can be honest with her. Instead, he'll just get all resentful until it explodes into a huge relationship-ending fight, just like how their marriage apparently ended. As soon as House is out of the room, Wilson takes the milk out of the fridge door and puts it on the shelf.
By Sara M
At PPTH, Hadley brings Julia's case to House's attention, claiming that it's interesting. Not because of Julia's symptoms, mind you, but because of her open marriage. How is that even in her notes? Did she volunteer that information freely? Is it on the intake questionnaire? All those things ever seem to want to know about me is if I have a family history of high blood pressure and cancer. House informs us that monogamy is weird, what with humans being the only species on Earth that mate for life. The famously monogamous swans, apparently, cheat on each other all the time. That's because swans are assholes. They hiss and bite even when you're trying to be nice to them and give them pieces of bread. Also, a quick internet search reveals that House might be wrong and there are several species that do mate for life, but it doesn't really matter. Taub, hypocritical defender of monogamy, says animals also do things like eat their own babies and kill romantic rivals, so they probably shouldn't be used as the example here. He believes that open marriages where both partners are truly happy don't exist, much like unicorns. Chase pipes up to steer the conversation back to Julia, saying she's suffering from an intestinal blockage. House asks what caused it, and Chase suggests herpes colitis, which apparently can happen. You can get freaking herpes in your intestines. Yikes. Hadley dismisses this, saying that Julia's STD panel was negative. Even though STD panels don't test for herpes. That's one thing I still remember from my days working in the hospital lab, because the herpes tests came in swabs taken from the sore. Which stands out in my mind because more than once I recognized the name on the herpes test. Apparently there is a blood test for herpes, but it's not considered to be very reliable. And by looking that up on the internet, I now have "herpes blood test" in my search history. Anyway, Taub instadiagnoses Julia and Tom's marriage with problems and unhappiness, then stops talking when he realizes that everyone is staring at him. Foreman says if Julia got herpes in the last six weeks, it might not show up on an STD panel yet (or at all, but whatever). House says a barium enema will give them a definite answer, and he moves for the door. Chase can't believe that House is actually doing a medical procedure on a patient, to which House says he really wants to talk to Julia about her open marriage. I could never be curious enough about someone's sex life to administer an enema that I didn't have to.
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By Sara M
House prepares the enema as Tom tenderly kisses his wife good-bye to pick up someone named "Evelyn." She says she'd rather he not be there anyway, since enemas are not exactly attractive. Tom leaves, and House shoves the enema wand (is that what it's called? I'm afraid I don't know much about the technology) up her ass and asks if Evelyn is Tom's girlfriend. No, Julia says, it's their daughter. She just happens to have the name of a 50-year-old. And polyamorous parents. Evelyn's future is definitely bright. House asks how Evelyn feels about her parents' open marriage. Julia likes to think that her six-year-old doesn't know anything about it, saying "she knows as much about our sex life as any other kid her age." LOL I love it when parents think their kids are too young and innocent to know something. Children are endlessly curious and ridiculously sneaky. They know everything eventually. House assumes that Evelyn is the only reason why Julia and Tom are still together, but Julia says she and Tom love each other and plan to "grow old together." "You just don't want to be young together," House says. Yeah, pretty much. Julia says that she and Tom are doing what lots of married couples do except they're honest with each other about it. "Things work better when people tell each other the truth," she insists. You'd think that, but I'm sure this cynical-ass show will find a way to prove otherwise.
Meanwhile, Taub is flirting with that blonde nurse, who doesn't like his necktie because it doesn't matche his eyes. She touches his shoulder a bunch of times, then walks away as Hadley approaches, having picked up on the sexual tension. She assumes that Taub and Nurse Maya are already sleeping together, but Taub says they're just friends. "No, you and I are friends, and you don't have coffee with me three times a week," Hadley says. That could be because Hadley is no fun to be around, though. Taub says Maya is "interesting" because she grew up in Ohio and has three brothers. Hadley points out that last week a Cambodian lab tech was telling them about how he survived the Killing Fields when Taub walked out to get a donut. I see nothing wrong with this. First of all, donuts are good. Second of all, since when did PPTH have lab techs? Don't the Cottages do any and all lab work? Third of all, maybe the lab tech shouldn't have been all TMI about his personal life. I hate it when I'm just trying to say hi to someone and then he won't shut up about his tragic life story, like, way to bring the room down, Dith Pran. And fourth of all, WHY DIDN'T WE GET TO SEE THAT SCENE??? I cannot even imagine the looks on both Hadley and the lab tech's faces when Taub interrupted his harrowing tale of torture at the hands of the Khmer Rouge to say, "excuse me, but all this talk about starvation has made me hungry so I'm gonna go grab a donut because I'm apparently Homer Simpson on this show now." It must have been awesome. Taub finally admits to flirting with Maya, but thinks it's harmless and "fun." "It's dangerous," Hadley says; "that woman would totally do you." Hadley, are you 12? "Do you?" Come on. Taub's eyes light up at the thought, but he still insists that nothing will happen. "If you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart," Hadley concludes. True, but as we just heard, Taub prefers breakfast pastries, so avoiding the dessert cart wouldn't help his diet anyway. I'm not sure how that fits in with Hadley's metaphor, though.
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By Sara M
Meanwhile, Taub tries to ease into a conversation about open marriage with Julia. "So, how long you been married?" he says awkwardly. Idiot. "One of the few drawbacks of having an open marriage -- nobody ever asks me about current events or the weather," Julia sighs. Well, maybe if you didn't tell everyone about your open marriage then they wouldn't ask you about it, hmm? Apparently, Julia went into the ER all "oh my stomach hurts and I have an open marriage y'all," and now she doesn't understand why it's all people ask her about? "Yankees look good this season," Taub says. This makes Julia laugh and reveal all Taub wants to know, saying she's been married for 7 years and in an open marriage for 4, as she and Tom both realized one day that "traditional marriage was making us both miserable." Taub asks the obvious: "why no divorce?" Julia says they still loved each other, but they also realized that one person can't fulfill all of your needs forever. "There are happy monogamous couples out there," Taub says. "Sure. One or two have a perfect marriage. Everybody else has figured out how to settle for less. I don't want to settle and end up resenting my husband," Julia says. I'm sorry, but what? No one has a perfect marriage. If that's what you're expecting, you're sure to be disappointed. That doesn't mean you're "settling" or whatever. This dialogue is kind of ridiculous. "I'd rather get the 10 percent he doesn't give me somewhere else so that I can really appreciate him for the 90 percent he does," Julia continues. Yeah, but having sex with a hot guy in a luxury hotel room over champagne seems like more than 10 percent to me. Also, how did she reach the age of 35 without realizing that it's impossible to get 100 percent of what you need from anyone, including yourself? And with that, Julia's heart decides to give her 100 percent and beats like crazy.
After the break, Hadley and Chase split up to get a list of recent sexual partners from Julia and Tom. Chase says this is necessary because they now think Julia has a parasitic infection, and since she hasn't been out of the country, she probably got it from a boyfriend or Tom's girlfriend who has. Tom says he hasn't traveled anywhere except Nebraska in the last year but is reluctant to tell Chase about any past partners. Chase thinks it's because Tom can't count all the random ass he's hit, but Tom reveals that he hasn't been with anyone except his wife. "We have a great sex life. I don't need anyone else," Tom says. This episode was written by women, wasn't it? Because I can't imagine there's a guy out there who could write a man saying that he's just fine with his sex life the way it is. Chase asks why Tom is in an open marriage, then, like this has anything to do with that parasite list. Tom says sometimes you have to do something you don't want to in order to make your wife happy, like see a chick flick or go to a classical music concert or agree to let her sleep around with hot young guys. "She needs this. I don't. But I don't want her to feel bad about that," Tom says. I guess if I were married to a doormat with no sex drive, I'd cheat on him, too.
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By Sara M
House refuses to believe that Tom is only pretending to go along with the open marriage thing to make his wife happy. He says if Tom isn't seeing another woman, then he must be betraying Julia another way that makes him feel guilty enough to be okay with her cheating on him. "A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face," House sighs. Chase thinks House is being pessimistic and saying that the only reason why Tom isn't cheating is something underhanded. Hadley, on the other hand, thinks that House is actually being "romantic" through some convoluted logic that leads to her conclusion that House believes in monogamy. "Men are genetically engineered to be jealous," House just says, and changes the subject to Julia's boyfriends and where they've been. Hadley says there are two, but neither has been out of the tri-state area. Oh come on. Julia is married AND has had two boyfriends in six months (one of which we know is hot despite the silly ponytail), but I've been single for like 8 months now? It's just not fair. House says if the boyfriends are telling the truth, then Tom must be lying. "He's doing something behind her back," House says, pointing out that his business trip to Nebraska is probably a lie because no one goes to Nebraska on purpose. "Like that's really a place," House scoffs. Ah, the words of LA-based writers.
Chase and Hadley are sent to break into Tom and Julia's home to look for travel records that will prove or disprove Tom's story. They take three steps into the house before Hadley asks Chase why he seems so chill about the whole open marriage thing. She apparently expected him to have a problem with it. "They're still married. I'm not," Chase says. So I guess that's that, then. Divorce: final. Cameron: gone. He adds that if he was still married, he'd never go for an open marriage, as he was jealous of Cameron and House's relationship and "Cameron never touched him." Uh ... yeah. Sure thing, Chase. Hadley makes a comment about "emotional fondling," like she knows anything. You showed up in Season 4, darling. Hush. Then Hadley decides to make this All About Her and seriously kill the mood at the same time with this TMI: "when my mom was dying, my dad had an affair." First of all, I don't even think that's true, since Hadley lies all the time about her dad as we saw in last week's Truth or Dare game. Second of all, I don't care and it's not really relevant, since neither Julia nor Tom is dying. And third of all, why not go tell that to your Cambodian oversharing partner and spare us the details? Hadley says her dad never admitted the affair to her, but she saw the way he and the Other Woman interacted with each other. Also, they got married two years after her mom died. "That must've sucked," Chase says. Hadley says it did at the time, but now that she thinks about it, "it makes sense." Her father took great care of her mother and needed someone to give him the things she couldn't. Plus, Hadley says her mother never knew about it. Then again, Hadley's father thinks Hadley never knew about it either, but she did. So her mother probably did, too. Hadley says her father was devoted to her mother until she died, and "loving someone else didn't change that." I think I heard Rielle Hunter say pretty much the same thing when she was interviewed by Oprah the other day. I guess that makes sleeping with the guy whose wife has terminal cancer totally okay, then! Hadley says she hopes whoever is stuck taking care of her when she's dying has someone else on the side, too. I hope whoever is stuck taking care of her when she's dying has to start like week so we can get Hadley off the show ASAP. With that, Chase finds documents indicating that Tom was, indeed, in Nebraska, such as "restaurant receipts." Yeah, like they have restaurants in Nebraska. Hadley, meanwhile, has been hanging out in Tom and Julia's bathroom, where she found another source of parasites: a loofah sponge.
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By Sara M
Taub has dinner with Mrs. Taub, and mentions that they might want to throw away their loofah sponge, what with loofahs sometimes being imported and not sterilized so there's like one recorded case of someone getting sick from them. Lest you think Taub is saying this because he's worried about parasites, he then uses it to segue into discussing Julia, and how she has an open marriage. Specifically, one where one spouse sleeps with other people and the other doesn't but is totally fine with the arrangement. Mrs. Taub gets the hint: "is open marriage something that you want?" she asks. Taub immediately says the right thing here, which is "no." But then he follows that up with "I mean ... I know you'd never ... " Mrs. Taub immediately thinks that Taub is having another affair and if he isn't, he wants to. Why does Mrs. Taub put up with this? Taub acknowledges that there is a woman at work who's attracted to him and who he's attracted to back, but insists that he hasn't acted on it yet. Mrs. Taub doesn't understand why Taub is enough for her but she doesn't seem to be enough for him. I don't understand that, either. With that, Taub's pager informs him that Julia just lost all movement in her legs. Mrs. Taub wants Taub to stay at dinner so they can talk, reminding him that PPTH does have other doctors who can take care of Julia, but Taub leaves. Mrs. Taub makes a stricken face worthy of Cuddy.
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By Sara M
In the meeting room, Chase says there's no evidence of parasites in Julia's shit and now they have a new symptom of paralysis. House only notices that Taub has a teeny tiny cut from shaving on his cheek, and instadiagnoses him with spending the night at PPTH and being forced to shave with his crappy locker razor. Taub doesn't bother denying it and skips right to putting the blame for this on House, telling everyone that he suggested open marriage to his wife and "it was a disaster." Even Foreman takes a second away from his standard incredibly bored expression to show surprise that Taub could be so stupid. Hadley's reaction is probably my favorite, as she gets that "whew ... this is awkward, and you are dumb" expression on her face. House changes the subject back to Julia, and Taub gets all bent out of shape, wanting House to focus on his marriage again so he can get some advice on how to fix it. Yeah, because House, Chase, Hadley, and Foreman are definitely the best people to seek counsel from regarding that subject. "You're the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila," House shrugs. Chase asks if they can focus on Julia, what with her dying and stuff, asking if her incredible sex drive (3-4 times a week with Tom plus boyfriends) could be a symptom of adrenal cortical carcinoma. Hadley gets all offended about this, asking if they're suggesting that a woman is only into sex if she has a medical problem. "Just because everyone in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time doesn't make it so," House sighs, along with the rest of the men. He orders an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) on Julia's adrenal glands to look for tumors.
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By Sara M
And now Wilson and Sam are fighting. Wilson does indeed have a list of things Sam did when they were married that annoyed him, none of which he told her about at the time. So that's his fault, as Sam points out. Instead of talking to her, he resented and avoided her. "I'm getting a lecture on communication from someone who had her lawyer inform me our marriage was over," Wilson retorts, then walks out of the room rather than address the issue, because that's how he rolls.
Taub and Hadley hang out in the MRI booth, where Hadley applauds Taub's "stones" in asking his wife for an open marriage. "The conversation sort of got away from me. It was a train wreck," Taub admits. What was he expecting? He's an idiot. Hadley starts talking about something she read that suggests that people who are unfaithful have something medically wrong with them, and maybe that's Taub's problem and he just can't help it. Taub doesn't seem thrilled about that, which surprises Hadley, who says she figured he'd be happy to have genetics as an excuse. "I'm 5'6" and have a receding hairline. I hate genetics," Taub says. Ha ha ha! Who wrote this episode? Clearly, they hate Peter Jacobson. Hadley says Taub could always get hair plugs (like House, except we're supposed to forget that he had a bald spot in the first season) and wear lifts, but he says being short and bald doesn't hurt anyone. Not to mention that he seems to have no trouble getting girls despite it, which is really the only reason why men bother to look good in the first place. Hadley says the genetic predisposition she's decided that Taub has only hurts people when he tries to deny it. What is she even talking about? She wants Taub to be honest with his wife about his inability to be faithful? That can't possibly be a good idea. Taub says there's no evidence of anything wrong with Julia's adrenal glands and that he won't stop trying to be a faithful husband. Hadley sees something on Julia's lung.
Back at Wilson's house, the fight is still raging. Wilson has leftover feelings of anger at Sam for how she served him with divorce papers (especially since that's what caused him and House to meet, which has only had a negative affect on his life thereafter. I'd be mad, too), while Sam refuses to take all of the blame for their marriage ending, saying that Wilson kept his feelings bottled up and pretended not to notice that their marriage was crumbling around them. "We hadn't had a conversation in months!" Sam says; "when you were home, it was like talking to a block of ice." Wilson says he was just really tired because he had to work two jobs so that Sam could take a nonpaying internship. Sam says Wilson was the one who told her to take it in the first place, because he clearly has no idea how to express himself. Wilson decides to give that a try with this: "you were being a selfish bitch."
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By Sara M
Hadley informs House that Julia has a clot in her lungs. House is still trying to figure out what Tom is doing behind Julia's back. Cuddy walks in to make her three-second appearance and yell at House for ignoring all the memos accounting sent him regarding Julia and how she doesn't have health insurance. "Try not to bankrupt them," Cuddy says. Too late! And it's about time someone mentioned health insurance on this show about a hospital. Except for that one episode about Cuddy that was all about health insurance, which was boring and thus does not count. Hadley is confused; she knows that Julia is on her husband's health insurance plan. Cuddy says his policy lapsed due to non-payment.
House and Hadley confront Julia and Tom about their inability to pay for health insurance. Julia doesn't know anything about this, but Tom admits that yes, they were behind on their premiums, but he just paid it in full by pulling money from his retirement account, and his insurance company apparently accepted that and reinstated the policy just in time to pay for all of Julia's procedures. No health insurance company has ever actually done this. Mine is currently looking for any and all reasons to deny me the services I pay them $354 a month for while raising my premiums at the same time. If I didn't pay them one month, they'd drop my ass so fast it wouldn't be funny. And they would not reinstate me, even if I did end up paying what I owed. But anyway, Julia doesn't understand why Tom didn't use the money in their savings account to pay the premiums, and Hadley realizes that this is a personal matter and tries to make House leave the room. He has no intention of leaving now that things are getting interesting. Tom admits to Julia that he lost all of their savings. House immediately turns to Hadley to brag that he was right about Tom keeping a secret from Julia after all.
Back in House's office, Hadley informs House that she put Julia on blood thinners to stop the clots. House is still feeling triumphant about being right, although he thinks he should have known Tom's secret was about money. "If it's not sex, it's always money," he says. He would have known that three days earlier if he bothered to read those accounting memos. Also, what the hell is going on in accounting that they apparently only distribute memos on paper? They don't email or call House's voicemail? And then if House doesn't respond in a timely fashion, they tattle on him to Cuddy? PPTH is so fucked up. House asks Hadley how Tom lost the money. She doesn't think he'll care, but he tells her to tell him anyway. "He builds wind turbines and leases them out to local power companies," Hadley begins. House's eyes glaze over and he cuts her off. With that, they do some differential diagnosing on Julia's clotting disorder until Wilson walks in to angrily thank House for ruining his relationship with Sam. Wow, can Hadley go anywhere this episode without wandering into an awkward personal discussion? She wants to know the details, but House sends her off to test Julia for whatever their current diagnosis is that it won't end up being anyway.
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By Sara M
"I'm sorry," House says to Wilson. Wilson is somewhat cheered to see House taking responsibility for this, but he spoke too soon. House says he's sorry that Sam left and made Wilson feel bad, but this isn't his fault. "I didn't even want to get involved. You dragged it out of me," House claims. Wilson says his dishwasher loading and banana peel discarding didn't help, but House points out that people don't end relationships because of bananas. Between this and the other show I recap, Survivor, bananas are becoming big issues of contention these days. "I just wanted you to stand up for yourself," House claims. He says if that was all it took to end things, then the relationship wasn't very solid in the first place. Wilson says if House hadn't pushed him, he would have kept his mouth shut and been annoyed sometimes but overall happy and still with Sam. Yeah, because that worked so well the first time around. House insensitively asks Wilson out to dinner, which I'm sure he expects Wilson to pay for.
Hadley draws some blood from Julia and asks where Tom is. Julia says she sent him away because she's mad at him for keeping their money problems a secret from her when she's obviously so big into honesty. Julia always thought that her open marriage was better than everyone else's because she and her husband are open about everything. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? I don't.
Taub returns home to find Mrs. Taub folding clothes on their bed. I was really hoping she was packing a suitcase and moving out, but no. She's just folding the laundry. She says that the worst part about Taub's affair wasn't the fact that he had sex with another woman, but the fact that he lied about it -- where he was, who he was with, why he quit his plastic surgery practice, etc. So, she'd rather give him a pass to cheat on her and be honest about it than deal with living a lie or whatever again. "Thursday nights. You have to be home by midnight. You don't bring her here, you don't talk to her about me (yeah, I'm so sure Taub wants to talk to the hot young blonde nurse about his wife. Keep dreaming, Mrs. Taub), and I don't want to meet her ever in any context," she says. Oh my god, Mrs. Taub, you are so lame. Divorce his ass! And then hook up with Tom. He seems like your type. Taub's like, " ... are you giving me permission to sleep with other women?" trying not to look too thrilled at the idea just in case it's a trap. Mrs. Taub says that's obviously what Taub wants and apparently his desires are much more important than hers because she's a doormat. "I want you," Taub says. "You want more than me," Mrs. Taub replies; "you want that thrill." Yeah, the thrill that Taub can't really get now that he's allowed to do it. Also, didn't Taub leave the plastic surgery practice a second time to work for House because he thought that would give him enough of a thrill that he wouldn't have to cheat on his wife? What the hell? "I love you, and I really believe that you love me. And we have a good life together. And at this point, either I walk away or I try to accept who you really are," Mrs. Taub says. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you WALK AWAY. Taub just points out that tomorrow is Thursday, which is now his favorite day of the week. "Yes it is," Mrs. Taub says. Oh! Survivor is on, then. Date established, the scene ends.
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By Sara M
The day (THURSDAY), Hadley informs the group that all blood tests for clotting disorders came back negative. House thinks about that for three seconds before noticing that Taub is wearing cologne today but "not the stink of shame." Thus, "Taub's wife gave the green light for an open marriage." Hadley looks kind of happy for Taub about all of this. Does she want to sleep with Taub or something? Taub admits that he does indeed have Mrs. Taub's blessing to date Maya. Hadley looks proud. Chase is in awe. "Mazel tov?" Foreman says, then goes back to being entirely disinterested in everything going on around him. Hadley doesn't think it's a big deal, though, since Taub was going to sleep with another woman whether Mrs. Taub agreed to it or not. House, meanwhile, realizes that Mrs. Taub is now in an open marriage and thus available for sleeping with. Clearly, hooking up with Mrs. Taub was part of House's evil plan all along. But then the Cottages are paged to yet another emergency in Julia's room. Julia is having abdominal pain again, but this time it's even worse than before.
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By Sara M
Outside her room, House asks the Cottages what brought back Julia's abdominal pain. Taub says the ultrasound showed nothing. Foreman asks if Taub is going to shower at Maya's place after he has sex with her or back in the home he shares with Mrs. Taub. I don't know if he's actually curious or just being judgmental. Probably both. Taub thinks they should focus on their patient and her excruciating and mysterious pain, but House points out that Taub is probably less concerned with Julia and more concerned with wrapping up for the day as early as possible so he'll have more time with Maya. Chase suggests that "sexual excitement" could be triggering Julia's pain. "Because lying alone in a hospital bed contemplating bankruptcy? Hot," Hadley sums up perfectly. Chase says he was trying to say there's something wrong with Julia's parasympathetic nervous system, but House shoots that down. Taub points out that Julia's abdominal pain stopped when House gave her that fun barium enema. Whatever that means, it's urgent.
As Taub and Chase wheel Julia in to surgery, Chase explains that "part of [her] intestine folded in on itself." Say what? I was better off before I knew that could happen to you. It's cutting off blood flow to the rest of her intestines, so they must fix it before they die. Julia hopes that'll be the end of her problems, but Taub informs her that this is usually a sign of cancer. Bummer.
Cuddy enters her office to find House already there, fixing her an espresso with the espresso machine he bought for Cuddy and installed in her office. "I have a bad feeling about this," she Don Knotts. And yet, she's happy to accept the espresso he made for her as she asks what he did to bring this about. House says he actually didn't do anything this time, but he's realized that when you "genuinely" try to help someone, good things happen for you in return. Like how he "genuinely" tried to help Wilson and then his relationship with Sam ended. "Is he okay?" Cuddy asks, making her the first person to care about Wilson's feelings in all of this. House ignores her and says now that karma works, he's hoping that buying Cuddy an espresso machine will lead to Lucas dying or just some oral sex. Cuddy seems charmed by the fact that House just wished death upon her serious boyfriend.
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By Sara M
Chase and Taub work on Julia's insides. Taub wonders if he should wear a tie on his date, like Chase, who is generally a terrible dresser and recently divorced, is really the person to ask. Chase asks Taub if Mrs. Taub has a date tonight, too, but in veiled terms so that the random PPTH employees nearby won't know what they're talking about. Taub says Mrs. Taub is allowed to "eat dinner out," but he doesn't think she will. "Your wife only eats dinner at home?" the random PPTH OR nurse asks, like this is any of her business. Guess what, lady? You aren't young and blonde, so butt out. Taub says that if Mrs. Taub did go out to eat, he wouldn't like it, but he thinks he could handle it. "I'd rather be jealous than a liar," he believes. I hope Mrs. Taub hooks up with Chase, Foreman, House, and Cuddy. All at the same time. And in front of Taub.
Chase and Taub inform House that they didn't find cancerous tumors in Julia's intestines, but they did find "non-specific inflammation." Also, her kidneys are starting to fail. House says inflammatory bowel disease explains the inflammation and can cause ankylosing spondylitis, which explains everything else. He tells them to treat Julia for it, and wishes Taub well on his hot date tonight. Taub smiles because he's totally looking forward to this, but then he gets a text on his phone.
Yes, it's Mrs. Taub, who meets him in the Fox lot parking garage to say she can't go through with this. Oh, bummer, Taub. "Logically, it makes perfect sense," she says (by the way, it doesn't); "but all afternoon all I kept thinking about was the two of you together, and you touching her." And Mrs. Taub is all crying and sad like this is somehow her fault. Taub tells her nothing happened (yet) and it's okay. Even though he is clearly bitterly disappointed. Possibly feeling guilty about the fact that his wife is crying and apologizing to him for not being cool with him cheating on her, Taub says it's okay and the only thing he needs is her. He manages to convince her that's the truth, and possibly also himself. He decides to leave work with Mrs. Taub and leave Julia's case to everyone else. Which is nice and all, but did he also just stand up Maya? That's kind of douchey.
House's theory was wrong and the treatment didn't work. Julia is worse, and a biopsy of her kidneys showed IgA nephropathy, which is caused by like 1,000 different diseases, all of which Chase gets to write on the Whiteboard O'Useless. Taub says Julia is running out of time. House then wastes some of it by asking why Taub doesn't have that post-extramarital relations afterglow. Taub admits that he went home with Mrs. Taub instead of Maya, and Hadley is very disappointed. "You chickened out," she says. Does Hadley hate Mrs. Taub or something? Maybe she just hates happiness, what with her setting Wilson and Taub up for relationship failure. Taub says he couldn't hurt his wife, which confuses everyone, who was under the assumption that Taub didn't really give a shit about his wife's feelings. Chase decides to get back to the patient, and the Cottages try to pick the most likely diagnoses from the long list of possibilities. They come up with three, none of which Julia is going to end up with anyway based on the lack of Epiphany Face.
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By Sara M
Hadley and Taub treat Julia, and Hadley suggests that Julia call her husband in because her situation is kind of grave right now. Julia whines that she's still too angry at Tom and his lies to see him. "Don't you think that's kind of unfair?" Hadley asks, then launches into a philosophical discussion about how sometimes honesty isn't the best policy when those truths are hurtful. "Tom lied to protect you," Hadley says. But she's not talking about the money stuff, like Julia thinks. No, Hadley says, Tom lied to her about something else: he hasn't slept with another woman in over a year. Great. Now Julia can be twice as angry with him. Hadley tries to put a positive spin on it, saying that Tom only wants Julia and lied to make her happy. I think it's more like he lied because he felt bad about that money stuff, as House suggested, but whatever. None of this is very realistic and I can't identify with any of these people right now.
Sam stops by Wilson's office. Her blazer and her shirt are the same color. I don't like that. She apologizes, saying that he was right about her -- she used to be selfish. She's trying to change, and Wilson has changed as well. He says she's right -- he used to keep quiet about stuff that annoyed him because he thought that was the best way to keep the peace, but all he really did was secretly resent her for things she had no idea she was doing wrong. Ew, I hate people like that. Probably because I have a history of unknowingly and unintentionally offending them and having no idea until it all blows up and our friendship is over. Sam and Wilson hug, and Sam says she wishes they had been able to do this "ten years ago." Say what? No way in hell were they married just ten years ago. Wilson was on his third wife when this show began six years ago. Quit playing around with time like you're still on Lost, Watros. Even though they just figured out that honesty is important and necessary, they both decide not to tell House that he had something to do with their improved relationship, which is back on.
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By Sara M
Tom is at Julia's bedside. Evelyn is not. Maybe she has an open relationship with her parents and is hanging out with another couple and letting them read her bedtime stories and bake her cookies while her real parents are too busy with their problems to give her everything she needs. None of the latest treatments worked for Julia, so they still don't know what ails her. House takes a second to note that Tom brought a bouquet of lilacs to his wife's bedside. Hadley somehow knows that they're from his garden, which causes House to think about how his mother also used to grow lilacs in her garden, but stopped because they attracted lots of bees and R. Lee Ermey apparently hates the gentle and hardworking honeybee because he was always a jerk. Here comes Epiphany Face! House says they ruled out something called Henoch-Schönlein purpura because there was no respiratory infection that causes it. But apparently bee stings can also, in rare cases, cause HSP. Hadley's not so sure, saying there should also be a rash. House and the Cottages enter Julia's room to check for one, since apparently no one bothered to look at Julia's body before this moment. She admits that she was stung by a bee a month ago, and House starts looking around for the rash while explaining that Julia has HSP, which is also called "systemic vasculitis." Hooray for vasculitis! It causes lesions and inflammation all over the body, which explains all of Julia's symptoms. A quick external exam of Julia reveals no rash, so House says it's time to "check [her] holes." Cut to Tom not looking all that bothered about this, because, you know, he's okay with other men touching his wife. Julia opens her mouth to reveal a rash on the roof of her mouth. House is disappointed that this means he won't get to check her sexier parts, or as he refers to it "get kinky." Do you guys remember when he found a tick inside an underaged girl's vagina? Do you think he thought of that as being "kinky" then? Yuck. Now that they know what's wrong with Julia, they can treat it and she'll be just fine. Julia is so relieved that she tells her husband she loves him. 90% of the time. House can't leave things that happy, so he reminds them that Julia sleeps with other men and Tom sucks with money on his way out. Let us also mention that Julia can't get stung by a bee without almost dying. Wimp.
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By Sara M
House's night ends on a sad note when he returns home to find Wilson and Sam there and together again. They're drinking wine and playing cards like the boring middle-aged people they are. House tells them that he'll take all the credit for this as he heads for the fridge and places the milk in the door shelf, just to be a dick. I hope Wilson uses his newfound backbone to tell him off . But he won't.
Did Maya get fired or something? Why is she putting a huge box full of stuff in her car trunk? And, of course, Taub just happens to be heading for his car at the same time. He helps Maya with her box and apologizes for canceling their date, forgetting to mention that he did that because his wife had a problem with it. Maya says she's sorry too, because apparently her self-esteem is even lower than Mrs. Taub's so she's all about hooking up with the married guy who's like twice her age, balding, and shorter than she is. I know he's a doctor, Maya, but come on. They make out and then go off together, because Taub figures this way he can have everything he wants and Mrs. Taub won't cry about it because she won't know and also he'd probably get more out of cheating when it's forbidden anyway.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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