By Sara M
Even though very little happens in this episode, plot-wise, there are a ton of really great moments to enjoy. A wife and mother with too much on her plate suffers from uncontrollably flailing limbs and then psychotic breaks, which her daughter gets to enjoy since no one has the sense to get her out of the room. House is back from his month-long sojourn in lovely Baltimore to lead his team now that Foreman has effectively given up the reins. They quickly figure out that the perfect mother is actually taking Ritalin to squeeze more hours into her day; they discharge her, telling her that her symptoms will go away once the Ritalin leaves her system. Of course, she isn't even out of the door before she has a stroke, which is not consistent with Ritalin abuse. The culprit is a benign liver tumor, which is a by-product of combining fertility drugs with birth control as part of the perfect mother's plan to make her husband think she wants another baby as much as he does while making sure that no babies will ever be conceived. And she'd rather have an unnecessary and potentially dangerous operation on her liver than tell him the truth, because she is stupid and lies for no good reason. And that's how that couple ends up; the wife is healthy and will live to keep her husband in the dark. Hopefully, their cute daughter will come back a few more times to make House seem more human. He made her a balloon animal, people! And held her hand! Stacy holds a few parts of House's anatomy too, as she and House consummate their overly complicated and underly interesting relationship, much to the chagrin of Wilson, who gets way too concerned for House's mental health and happiness for a male friend, and Cuddy, who does a terrible Stacy impersonation. House forces Stacy to choose between him and Mark, and I was shocked that she chose House, only to have him turn around and dump her because their relationship is just as doomed to fail as it did before, while Mark will always be able to give Stacy everything she wants as soon as he gets over his tendency to drive her away, something House doesn't think he'll ever be able to do.
A young girl shows her mother her latest work of art. Mom compliments the girl's drawing of a farm and its various animals. Some "supermom" this woman is: you never assume what your child is drawing because, more often than not, what looks like a horse is really supposed to be a bear. SuperMom then hangs out in the kitchen with other not-quite-as-super moms, giving them tips on a dish that involves Haas avocadoes. Ha! Show me people on the East Coast who habitually use Haas avocadoes in their recipes and I'll show you some people who are habitually disappointed in the taste of their food. Last time I was on the East Coast, I had some avocadoes in my sushi that were crunchy like carrots. Never again. SuperMom then gets a phone call about some work project that isn't going well, and takes a minute to admire her friend's pregnant belly. Friend nosily asks SuperMom if she's had any luck in the makin' babies department. "Not for lack of trying!" SuperMom SuperOvershares.
SuperMom heads into the living room, where her husband is watching some kind of sports event on the TV. SuperMom pauses the television to tell her husband about all of the things she'll be doing today while her husband sits on his ass, and then has a weird arm spasm. She brushes it off...
...but has another one as she's on her way into the car, which she also ignores. The third time it strikes, it can't be ignored, as it takes over all her limbs while she's starting her car, throwing a rather humorous chain of events into motion: the flailing leg presses on the gas while her spasm-y arm throws the car into drive. None of her out-of-control limbs sees fit to land on the garage door opener, though, so her plow into the garage is quite destructive indeed. SuperMom sits in her car, twitching and flailing away, until her husband finally gets off his ass to see what's wrong.
Wilson and Cuddy are shocked to see House come to work on time -- early, even -- smiling at people and wearing a clean, ironed shirt. Wilson is assigned to investigate further and follows him to the elevator. House cheerfully greets Wilson and asks how the hospital was while he was gone, since he is apparently just returning from his trip to Baltimore that we saw a month ago. If it's supposed to be the day, New Jersey must have gotten hit with one hell of a warm front, since all that snow that cancelled airplane flights has melted and everyone's wearing spring clothes. Or maybe House just decided to hang out in Baltimore for a month.
By the time Wilson and House exit the elevator, House has told him the whole story about how he and Stacy kissed. I must say, I'm kind of annoyed that something that only took a short elevator ride to explain was presented to me as an hour's worth of unenjoyable Stacy time. Wilson asks House what he thinks Stacy's move will be, and whether he thinks she will leave her husband for him. House acts like he doesn't care, and Wilson lectures that this is a "big deal" and that House needs to talk to Stacy about it. He also thinks he and House "need to talk about this," because the writers on this show are apparently just as bad at portraying straight male friendships as they are female characters.
Speaking of girls and poorly written female characters (although I must admit she has been much better this season), Cameron comes walking up to hand House the charts on their newest patient. House is happy to have an excuse to leave Wilson, but Wilson warns him that "this isn't just gonna go away." "No, but maybe you will," House responds. Oh, don't say that! Wilson barely gets three seconds of screen time per episode as it is!
In the conference room, Foreman shows everyone just how carelessly he reads patient files by guessing that their new patient's dyskinesia was caused by head trauma suffered during her meeting with the garage. Cameron tells him that it was the dyskinesia that caused the accident, and House asks Chase for a demonstration of SuperMom's flailing and twitching. Foreman snaps that House can see the patient himself if he needs to be entertained so desperately. He gets over his hissyfit to suggest Huntington's (coincidentally, that link goes to an episode of Everwood that was also titled "Need To Know") as the cause for SuperMom's problems, while House has his own temper tantrum because someone ate the last of the animal crackers and didn't throw the box away. I sympathize; it's so annoying when you see a carton of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer and then get all excited about eating ice cream and then find out that there is no ice cream after all and your roommates are lazy assholes who can't throw out a tiny half-pint carton. The Cottages ignore House and continue with their differential diagnosis. Cameron thinks that they should put SuperMom on some drugs to counteract the fertility treatments she's been taking, in case they are the culprit for her limb-control issues, but House wisely wants to do a pregnancy test on SuperMom before they give her drugs that could kill her possible baby. He then defers to Foreman to issue the final orders, since Foreman is supposedly still in charge. Foreman just tells House to do whatever he wants, since he is done being Cuddy's tool to make House miserable. House orders an MRI of various parts of SuperMom's body, telling them to paralyze the patient first to avoid her flailing limbs of danger.
The Cottages set up in SuperMom's room to do their tests while StuporDad and their daughter (apparently played by Dakota Fanning's younger sister, because we certainly need another one of those on our TV sets and movie screens) stand by and watch. SuperMom starts flailing around again and suggests that StuporDad take their daughter home so that she doesn't have to have the fun experience of seeing her mother scared and not in control of her own body. StuporDad insists on staying in the room with the kid, named Stella, because he's a doofus. So Stella gets to watch her mom flail around and moan until they paralyze SuperMom. StuporDad is amazed at the science involved in this, and asks questions while his daughter continues to have the image of her debilitated and sick mother burned into her brain forever. Stella starts to cry, so Foreman and Cameron reassure her that her mother will be okay while StuporDad catches flies in his open mouth. FINALLY, he takes Stella out of the room. What was he even thinking, letting her be in that room in the first place? There's nothing more upsetting to a kid than seeing the one person you need to be strong and in control -- your parent -- being weak and scared. Foreman shoots SuperMom up with the paralysis drug and then they tape her eyes closed so that they don't dry out.
Wilson marches into Stacy's office and asks her what the hell she was thinking, cheating on her husband with House. Cold as ever, Stacy accuses House of being an "eight-year-old boy" for kissing and telling, but Wilson won't let her turn things around on House when she's the one who cheated on her husband. Good for you, Wilson! Stacy tells him to mind his own business, but Wilson protests that this is his business because he was the one "stuck picking up the pieces" the last time Stacy left House. Again, I'm pretty sure this is not something that a straight guy would say. Or any person of any gender and sexual orientation, really, because it's cheesy. Wilson says that House has been "pining" for Stacy for the last five years. Stacy accuses Wilson of being overly dramatic (true), and doesn't seem to really care much about House's feelings at all, either because she doesn't believe that they're as deep as Wilson claims they are or because she's cold and heartless. I chose to believe the latter because I hate Stacy and she hasn't demonstrated anything thus far that would show her to be anything but that. "You can't toy with him," Wilson says. "I'm not!" Stacy says in her emotion-whisper. She has to depend on her voice to show her intensity because her face can't. Finally, she admits that she just doesn't know what she's doing. She tries to look helpless, but can only mange an evil smirk.
The paralysis drug wears off, and SuperMom gets to open her eyes again. Cameron tells her that the MRI of her brain didn't show anything (anything wrong, that is. An MRI of a brain that didn't show anything at all would be StuporDad's, of course) and that her pregnancy test was negative. Foreman says that they have other things to test for, some of which are more "serious" than others. He takes a swab of SuperMom's cheek for the Huntington's test. "Is that one of the more serious ones?" StuporDad asks, because he is incredibly stupid. And, of course, he's brought Stella into the room so that she can be even more traumatized. SuperMom's arm flails return just in time for her to launch Cameron's anti-estrogen pills across the room. It's no drive-into-the-garage degree of disaster, but it really pisses SuperMom off. She lashes out at Stella, telling her to stop looking so scared, and then at StuporDad for bringing Stella there in the first place. I don't see anything wrong with SuperMom's second attack...
...but Cameron and Foreman take it to House as another symptom of Huntington's: increased irritability. House tells them to start her on some Huntington's drugs, even though they're dangerous drugs to give to someone who may not have anything wrong with her, and they only have to wait a day to get the test results back. House says that they might as well do it before SuperMom progresses to full-blown psychosis (in just one day? Come on) and deprives Stella of the chance to say goodbye to her. Then House turns to Chase and asks him if he would like "to tell the class how that feels?" Well, that's an inexcusably horrible thing to say. The guy's dad died less than a year ago and House knows the circumstances of it and Chase's relationship with him better than anyone else, and he still uses it as fodder for his little jokes. Of course, Chase just lets House get away with it, pausing for a moment to recollect himself and then continuing on with his job. Hey, Chase, if you aren't going to stand up for yourself, then House is going to walk all over you. Or not walk so much as limp, being sure to dig his cane into the space where your spine would be if you had one. Foreman gets a page and announces that there's a problem.
SuperMom has now taken to using her IV pole as a weapon. She really is good at finding multiple uses for everyday objects. I guess that's what makes her so super! She accuses StuporDad of trying to steal her daughter from her, since this is the one time StuporDad actually wised up and didn't bring her to the hospital room. Foreman explains to StuporDad that his wife is having a "psychotic break," and then SuperMom takes out a way-too-easily-shattered window before the Cottages tackle her and shoot her up with Ativan. SuperMom also informs us that Stella isn't StuporDad's biological daughter. I'm curious as to why she's the one taking fertility drugs to get pregnant with his biological child when it's obviously his StuporSperm that are to blame for their pregnancy problems. I'm sure they get in there and then promptly get lost and wander off into SuperMom's intestines or something before implanting themselves into her kidneys, mistaking them for eggs.
Later, SuperMom has calmed down, and her Huntington's test has come back negative. Good thing they didn't give her those dangerous unnecessary Huntington's drugs, then, isn't it? Foreman is baffled; he was sure she had Huntington's. You know, there's a really easy and fast way to rule out that a patient doesn't have Huntington's -- find out if her parents had it. If neither of them did, then their kid won't either. Of course, you still have to do the test to confirm that since everybody LIES and on this show, no one is the biological father, but it would have given them a pretty good idea of what they were dealing with and saved them some time. And they did do a family history, which we know because Foreman suggests "spontaneous schizophrenia" and Cameron rejects it, saying that there's no record of mental illness in SuperMom's family. I didn't know a family with no mental illnesses even existed, but I guess SuperMom's family is SuperMentallyHealthy. Cynical House wonders whether the source of SuperMom's SuperMomness is drugs, saying that cocaine abuse explains all her symptoms. Cameron already knows what's coming and jumps up to go break into SuperMom's home and look for her "stash." Foreman is chosen to accompany her, because, as House says "there's gotta be a reason for the stereotype." I certainly missed House's winning racist humor this past month.
All work assigned to others, House heads for Wilson's office, but the door is locked and Wilson doesn't answer when his friend knocks. "I know you're in there!" says House. "I can hear you caring." Apparently, Wilson's cheesy line disease is spreading. House circumvents Wilson's locked front door by sneaking in through the balcony, where he finds Wilson rolling a joint on his desk. This is why we respect locked doors -- because they're often a sign that the person behind them wants privacy. Wilson claims that the drugs are for one of his patients, which I find especially hard to believe, seeing as I can barely get any of my doctors to spend more than five minutes with me let alone prepare my illegal substances. Not that I'd want them to -- if I ever get cancer, I'd want my oncologist to spend all his time curing me, not wasting it rolling my J's. Or talking to his best friend about girl problems, which is what Wilson and House are doing now. House wants to know what Stacy said when Wilson talked to her. Wilson says he thinks that Stacy is waiting for House to do something. Of course she is -- she'd hate to have to put in any more effort. House says he doesn't think Stacy would be able to leave her husband while he was in rehab -- "too much guilt." "She left you," Wilson points out. You see, Stacy only cares about other people's feelings when it's important to her own. If you don't make her happy because you're sick and dealing with your own issues, she'll find someone else. What a catch she is! House then tries to escape Wilson's office with one of the joints, but Wilson knows him too well to let that happen. Way to try to steal from cancer patients, there, asshole.
Cameron and Foreman spend some time together rooting through SuperMom's house. They find a bottle full of continuity and start discussing Cameron's follow-up HIV test, which she's been reluctant to take. Foreman's concern is purely selfish; he and House have a bet about whether or not Cameron will take the test. House is betting that Cameron is too scared to do it, while Foreman thinks she's too "anal" not to. Foreman seems to think that telling Cameron this will encourage her to take the test for his sake, when, really, she's probably more apt not to for House's because she likes him better. They don't find any drugs in the house, though. It's Cameron who thinks to check SuperMom's SuperCar, where she immediately finds a bottle of "Momma's Little Helper," a.k.a. Ritalin.
Cameron and Foreman hand the Ritalin off to House, who calls it "cocaine with a PG rating." (Apparently, the FDA saw this and took notice, since only a few days after this episode aired, they requested that the infamous "black box" warning be given to Ritalin products.) Stella's name is on the prescription bottle, which House scoffs at, saying that mothers have been known to steal their children's drugs. Kind of like certain crippled doctors have been known to steal joints from their only friend. And are addicted to prescription drugs. SuperMom and House really do have a lot in common. Maybe when he's done with Stacy, House can help ruin another marriage and hook up with her! The Ritalin explains SuperMom's symptoms as well as the fact that her symptoms have gotten better since her hospitalization. A tox screen is useless at this point, though, since the Ritalin would be out of her system by now. House wants to have SuperMom discharged, but Foreman vetoes him, wanting to confirm their diagnosis before they send their patient home. This seems perfectly reasonable to me, but House just starts comparing Foreman to a diabetic and accusing him of being on a power trip even though it's more like Foreman's ass is on the line here and he's trying to protect himself.
House enters SuperMom's room with a long, phallic balloon that he loudly twists into a dog for Stella, who immediately announces that whatever House gave her is not a dog. I really hope he didn't give her one of his X-rated balloon sculptures. House tells Stella that she's smart, but he wonders if she's having trouble focusing on what he's saying since she hasn't taken her meds. It's actually because she's distracted by her mother, who demands to know who the man interrogating her daughter is. StuporDad wakes up long enough to tell House that Stella isn't on any meds, which gives House the opportunity to whip the Ritalin out of his pocket and flash it around. I'm surprised that he got a Ritalin bottle on his first try when there are so many different drugs hanging out in House's pockets that he could have taken out accidentally. Even though House's announcement was perfectly clear and even came with the pill bottle as a visual aid, StuporDad still doesn't understand what's going on. I think I realize why StuporDad has been wearing that same shirt this whole time -- he doesn't know how to unbutton it. SuperMom comes clean (sort of), and tells StuporDad that a doctor prescribed the pills for Stella to treat the ADHD she probably doesn't have, but that SuperMom was super enough not to give Stella any. House points out that the bottle is missing quite a few pills, and lies that SuperMom's tox screen shows that she likes uppers as much as she does those Haas avocadoes. StuporDad finally catches on and asks SuperMom if she's been taking drugs when she was supposed to be watching Stella. Caught, SuperMom apologizes to her husband, although not very sincerely. House says that they'll be discharging SuperMom as soon as possible so that StuporDad can take her home to divorce her.
Night falls on the hospital, and House makes a visit to Stacy's office. She tells him that she's moving back to her home in Short Hills now that Mark is getting better (except, House points out, that he still can't walk) and wants to get back to work. House thinks that Stacy is just running away from House because their kiss meant something to her, but Stacy coldly says that she isn't running away; she's "going home." She loves Mark, she claims with all the conviction of someone who isn't telling the truth. "You love me more," House says. They stare at each other. "I don't want you to leave," he says. Uh oh.
Stella runs up to greet her mother as she's wheeled out to the lobby. StuporDad is a little less thrilled to see his wife. She walks over to him and apologizes again, with all the conviction of someone who isn't telling the truth. He doesn't exactly forgive her, but he's not about to start divorce proceedings, either. Probably because he has no idea how. And that's fine, because it looks like he'll be a widower in no time, as the Magic School Bus Cam makes an increasingly rare appearance and takes us into SuperMom's heart, where a SuperClot has suddenly lodged itself in a blood vessel. SuperMom immediately falls to the ground. The Cottages, who were apparently just hanging out near the lobby, come running to the scene. Uh oh.
House's bedside phone rings. He picks it and growls at the caller that "this better be important." He is notably free from the constraints of pajamas. At least the little we can see of his upper body is. I shall have to be sure to recap this scene extra-carefully, since I'm sure Hugh Laurie's many crushees didn't pay much attention to any of the dialogue. Cameron tells House he need to come back to PPTH, since SuperMom (her name is "Margo" by the way, and she will only serve as yet more proof of my theory that no one good is named Margo) just had a stroke. House hangs up and announces that he has to go back to work. But who is he talking to? Why, it's Stacy, of course, who is also not wearing any clothes. This means that she has to bend awkwardly when making out with House so as not to expose her breasts to the innocent viewing audience. And while I'm just as happy as anyone else to see House finally gettin' some, I must say I'm not too pleased by his choice of partner for the following reasons: (a) it isn't Cuddy; (b) it's Stacy, who doesn't even deserve an asshole like House; (c) Mark definitely doesn't deserve this crap; and (d) I am so sick of Stacy. I really don't understand what the writers were trying to do with the Stacy character. I guess we were supposed to like her, but then they wrote her as such a bitch and she was played as such a cold, emotionless person that it was impossible to. Now we have her cheating on her invalid husband, which is just the icing on the Stacy Hate cake for me. I don't see how anyone can like her. House isn't much of a prize either, but at least he has enough redeeming moments and is charismatic enough to be likable in his assholishness.
The Cottages wait for House to show up. Chase randomly sniffs his pencil and says he knows exactly why their boss is late, since he saw him leaving with Stacy. Naïve Young Cameron says that House was probably just walking Stacy to her car, because we all know how easy and painless walking is for House so I'm sure he'd do some extra as a favor. She says that House isn't an "idiot" who would sleep with a married woman. It would just kill her to find out that he was, though, since we all know how Cameron feels about people who cheat, especially in a marriage, and she'd have to make an exception for House since she likes him so much. Foreman, as usual, looks at how the situation benefits him and says he hopes that House did get laid because maybe then he'll be nicer.
House finally shows up, singing away and generally looking like someone who just had sex. Another reason for his happiness is that he won his bet with Foreman -- Cameron didn't take her test. Cameron shrugs it off, saying that she already had a viral load test that's 99.9% accurate. Chase seems particularly concerned about the situation, probably more for his own drug-sex-having sake than for Cameron's. She changes the subject back to their patient, whose health problems can no longer be blamed on the Ritalin. But no condition explains all her symptoms. House suggests that SuperMom's fertility drugs caused some endometrial cancer, which explains the clot that caused her stroke. The Ritalin explains everything else. He tells the Cottages to do an ultrasound on SuperMom's uterus and look for something growing in there that "doesn't look adorable in a onesie." Since were tumors not cute? Come on now! Some of them even come with hair that you can comb and style. House stops Cameron on her way out and sincerely declares his love for her. When she does her imitation of StuporDad and drops her jaw, House sticks a Q-tip in her mouth and swabs. She'll get her HIV test results back tomorrow, he says. Cameron doesn't really know what to say or do about what just happened, so she just turns and walks out. Aw, see, now, there was one of House's redeeming moments. It doesn't make up for his comment about Chase's dead dad, though.
House is studying what appears to be the sunrise on the roof of ridiculous sky backdrops when Stacy finds him. He smiles when he sees her. Aw. She's holding a prescription for a heart condition, which is House's idea of a romantic present. Stacy calls it "cheesy," because she sucks. They hug, and House ruins the moment by asking her if she told Mark about them. Guess what? She didn't. And she doesn't know how to do it without hurting him. That's because it's impossible, Stacy. And where was all this concern for Mark's feelings BEFORE you threw yourself at House? She has a great solution to the whole mess: "if I don't tell [Mark], it'll never hurt." Now it's House's turn to do a StuporDad as he realizes exactly what Stacy is saying to him. I guess it's wrong to hurt Mark, but totally awesome to hurt House, right, Stacy? As long as you get everything you want, it doesn't matter how anyone else feels. She says that she still loves Mark, and the situation that she put herself in is not as simple as House would like it to be. House takes a breath and tells her that she can either be with him or with Mark, but not both. "It's not easy, but it is simple," he says. Sela Ward tries to make some sort of facial expression, but she can't, so she has to settle for expressive swallowing and teary eyes. If not for that, though, you'd swear she was bored.
House gets off the elevator and is immediately surrounded by the Cottages, who report that they didn't find anything hanging out in SuperMom's uterus. House just knows that SuperMom has fertility drug-induced cancer, though, and orders an endometrial biopsy. Foreman steps forward to veto this, and House responds by staring intently at his watch and ordering everyone to be quiet. They wait a few moments, and House announces that Foreman's four weeks in charge just ended, so they can go back to taking House's orders. And they are to "stick a needle up [SuperMom's] hoo-hoo." I'm trying to figure out what time it is; you'd think it just struck midnight based on that, but we just saw House and Stacy up on that roof and it certainly didn't look like midnight up there to me. Maybe it's just radiation glow from all that toxic waste New Jersey is full of. That is, when said waste isn't being dumped into the ocean, where it travels up the coastline and settles on a Connecticut beach and I spend my childhood trips to the beach trying to avoid hypodermic needles. Chase wonders what a "hoo-hoo" is because he's from Australia, where they refer to them as "warble-dingos." I saw that in a Foster's commercial once.
House is watching a monster truck rally on his office television when Stella wanders in, looking for a new playmate. House is not too thrilled to have company, and makes this plain. But Stella persists, hoping to score some more balloon sculptures. House turns off his TV, takes hold of Stella's hand, and starts walking her down the hall. It's really, really cute. She asks him when her mother can come home. "Don't know." She asks him what's wrong with his leg. "War wound." She asks him if it hurts. "Every day." She asks him if that's why he's so sad. He tells her he isn't sad, he's "complicated," adding, "Chicks dig that," and telling her she'll understand when she's older. Stella says that her parents always say that when they're talking about things like "making babies." Yuck. House asks her if her parents fight. Never, she says: "People who love each other don't fight." That's true -- IN FANTASYLAND! Not so much the real world, though. House puts Stella on the elevator and sends her down to the second-floor nurse who's supposed to be watching her.
Meanwhile, Chase is getting ready to stick a needle up SuperMom's hoo-hoo. Cameron is there on her usual say-soothing-things-to-the-patient duty. Before Chase can even start the procedure, SuperMom complains of feeling dizzy. "My God," Chase says, which is something you probably don't want to hear your doctor say, especially when he's looking at your private areas. He shows Cameron his hand; it's covered with blood. SuperMom's monitors beep wildly as blood gushes from her hoo-hoo; this is more than just that time of the month. "What's going on?" StuporDad wonders again. Someone drags him out of the room as Cameron and Chase fire up the ultrasound to look for SuperMom's bleed.
Stacy comes to Cuddy's office for advice. Not about work, of course -- personal advice. About House. Cuddy's not thrilled about the entire situation, although she can't blame anyone but herself for hiring Stacy to work at PPTH in the first place. Stacy tells Cuddy about her affair and her uncertainty over what to do , and it's clear that she just wants Cuddy to tell her what she wants to hear, which is that it's okay for Stacy to leave Mark for House. Cuddy won't oblige her.
SuperMom's bleeding was caused by a liver tumor. Cameron sends her into the MRI of DOOOOOM to get a better look at it. Foreman tells House the news, and he responds in his typical asshole way by saying that at least SuperMom will only be leaving one child behind if her tumor is malignant. Foreman says that the tumor is vascular, which means that they can't do a biopsy to find out if it's benign or malignant; they have to remove it surgically.
And then Mark wheels up, looking perturbed. Foreman runs away from the scene, which I don't understand because I certainly would have stayed around to watch it. "I'm here about Stacy," Mark says. House cautiously asks him to clarify. "I think I'm losing her," Mark says. He knows he's been pushing her away, and now he's so scared of losing her that he'll even go to House for advice, figuring that House knows what it's like to shut Stacy out after becoming crippled. He wants to know how House got past that. Obviously, House did not, so he has nothing to tell Mark. Mark begs him to talk to him (guys sure do want to have heart-to-hearts this week), but House ain't having it. He tries to escape from Mark by taking the stairs, figuring the wheelchair-bound Mark won't be able to follow him. So now we have House slowly, agonizingly trying to climb the stairs and Mark using the banister to pull his dead lower body up to follow him. He reaches House and collapses against him, forcing House to hold him up. It's pretty humiliating and not nearly the entertaining knock-down, drag-out fight I was hoping for. Mark just clings onto House and says that he has seen how House and Stacy talk to each other, showing that he has a clue about what's been going on. House thinks about telling him the truth, but settles on lecturing Mark for pushing himself too hard physically. Mark angrily pushes himself off of House. House takes the stairs back down, leaving poor Mark stuck on the stairwell. Maybe he's hoping Mark will just starve to death there and then House and Stacy's problem will be solved. Seriously, though, how is Mark supposed to get back to his wheelchair? It's not like any of those nurses is going to help him out, seeing as they're barely attentive enough to make sure a small child doesn't wander off.
SuperMom's liver tumor confuses House. They must have missed a reason for it to be where it is. He says that they're missing the human element of the case, and asks the Cottages to tell him what they know about SuperMom. "She's a people-pleaser," says Cameron. "She doesn't like to let people down." "She never fights with her husband," House adds. "She turns to drugs instead of asking for help to manage her life," Chase adds. Interesting how each of them see aspects of SuperMom that are most relevant to their own personal issues, eh? Very clever, writers. House wonders why, if SuperMom is having trouble managing her life with just the one kid, she would be trying so hard to have another. The answer involves her people-pleasing, drug-loving, non-confrontational ways: she doesn't want to have a child, but also doesn't want to tell her husband that, so she's been taking birth-control pills along with her fertility drugs. I can understand why SuperMom doesn't want StuporDad's StuporGenes getting passed on, but her taking birth-control pills instead of just telling him the truth totally baffles me.
House wakes SuperMom up by slamming his cane down on her bed frame. He asks her if she would like a hysterectomy along with her liver tumor surgery, which is totally unnecessary. You see, the liver tumor is a harmless adenoma caused by the birth-control pills. It's benign and it will go away once she stops being such a weirdo. But SuperMom would rather have the surgery than tell StuporDad that she doesn't want another child, and won't admit to taking birth-control pills. House says that he's going to cancel her surgery, and that she can have fun trying to explain why to her husband.
Unfortunately, Cuddy won't let House cancel SuperMom's surgery, since they have no proof that she was taking those birth-control pills and that they caused the tumor, and that if they refused to do surgery to remove what ended up being a cancerous tumor, PPTH would be in big, big trouble. House tells Cuddy to ask Stacy for a legal opinion, but Cuddy says that's unnecessary, since she can do an impression of what Stacy would say. Suddenly, she turns into Dixie Carter and says that even though she just loves House's dreamy blue eyes and his cane makes her melt (ew), they should go through with the surgery. Cuddy gets points off for assigning Stacy a Southern accent that she doesn't have, but more than makes up for it with her disgusted sigh at the end. Cuddy's as sick of this storyline as I am.
So SuperMom gets her unnecessary surgery. The tumor is, as House expected, benign. Wilson and House debate whether or not SuperMom is crazy in love or just crazy like a fox. House thinks that while SuperMom is twisted and manipulative, it's also very romantic of her to have half her liver removed to make her husband happy. "Do we need to talk?" Wilson asks. What a girl.
Foreman tells StuporDad that the tumor was benign. "That's good, right?" he asks. I don't know why SuperMom didn't just tell him the truth about the birth-control pills; StuporDad is so dumb he probably has no idea what a birth-control pill is. He asks how a benign tumor could have caused all of SuperMom's symptoms, and Foreman has to figure out how to answer him without betraying SuperMom's confidence. He settles on saying that SuperMom should be fine now that the tumor is gone. StuporDad is relieved, and leaves to pick up Stella. This leaves SuperMom and Foreman alone. SuperMom asks Foreman to lie to her husband and say that she can't take any fertility treatments because of her health issues. Wow, she really knows how to push it, doesn't she? Foreman's not going to be a part of that. She asks him if there's a birth-control method that won't make her sick. Yeah, it's called "THE TRUTH." Foreman tells her to stop lying; it's going to kill her and her marriage. SuperMom says she's sure that StuporDad will give up on getting pregnant in a few years and then they'll be happy for the rest of their lives and he'll never have to know the truth. Unless, you know, she gets another liver tumor from taking fertility drugs and birth control at the same time, which is exactly what she's planning on doing.
House hands Cameron her test results. She opens the envelope to find...a referral request. The real HIV results are in an envelope that House has already opened and examined for himself. He tells Cameron that she's fine. Fine, but pissed off that House would violate her privacy like that. Even in a situation as important and serious as that, House still can't resist being an asshole. "Comforting, isn't it?" House asks. Uh, I guess.
House then spends some time in his office staring at his empty white board before heading to Stacy's office. She tells him that she has made a decision: she's leaving Mark for House. "Don't do it," House says. Stacy can't believe it; House wanted her for so long, and now that he has her, he doesn't want her anymore: "What changed?!" Nothing did, House says; that's the problem. Mark will change for Stacy and do whatever it takes to make her happy. House either can't or won't. Their relationship will end just like it did before. "It doesn't have to be --" Stacy starts. "It does," House finishes. "I'm sorry, Stacy," he says, and leaves. Stacy just stands there will her mouth hanging open as much as her surgically tightened skin will allow. It really sucks when you're so used to everything going your way and then it doesn't, huh, Stacy? Maybe House was being all self-sacrificing and noble by sending Stacy back to Mark because he loves her so much that he wants her to be happy even if it isn't with him. But I prefer to believe that he stills hates her for cutting up his leg and this was his revenge.
The Cottages take bets on how long SuperMom and StuporDad's marriage will last. Foreman thinks it'll last forever: "There's nothing to fight over if you never talk about anything." Hey, boredom can end a marriage, too.
Wilson sees Stacy packing up her office for good. Hooray!
Wilson then finds House hanging out on the roof and asks him what House told her to make her leave. House says he told her she was better off without him, and whips out his Vicodin bottle to dry-swallow a couple in Wilson's face, just to piss him off some more. Wilson goes into psychoanalytical girl mode and accuses House of sending Stacy away because he likes being miserable because it makes him feel special. House doesn't want to change that by letting someone into his life who could make him happy: "Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable." Ah, but it also makes you a popular television character and nets you a Golden Globe.