I'm covering for the expert Daniel this week. Unlike Daniel, I still find watching the pinball title sequence much like those dreams where I'm at school in my underwear. This ridiculous spectacle embarrasses me. I mean, why? I have clothes. Why aren't I wearing them? Seriously, these people have to scream and fall down and act like pinballs are chasing them and THEY ARE CHEFS. It's like asking people on Project Runway to play baseball. That said, I never skip them either. It's like I'm a cutter or something.
Last we met, Jamie got sent home for burning the zucchini. Even though the Red Team had nominated Carrie and Elise, because they ruin everything. I don't get it. Wait, I do. Carrie and Elise make really great TV. Chefs? Let's just say, BLT Steak is in trouble. Unless they both win and have to work together, in which case, birthday party location.
Chef Ramsay sends the contestants to bed. Carrie talks all sort of shiz in an interview about how badly she wants this and how she's going to win this now, even though she has never been different for even one tiny moment of this entire competition. Jesus Christ, that girl has zero capacity for learning. Jennifer is apoplectic. Elise and Elizabeth agree with her, but she's not listening. She says that she's working with the Three Stooges now and she's pretty correct.
The day, they gather for the challenge and Chef Ramsay says it's his favorite: Eating shit. Wait, no, it's a blind taste test. They all act like they're very excited. They wear blindfolds and headphones, as to not hear what kind of food is in front of them. Tommy and Carrie have to eat anchovies. Tommy guesses sardines. Carrie guesses salmon. Then, they get carrots. Tommy guesses radish. Weird. Elizabeth really laughs at that one. She's an idiot, no? Carrie gets it right, which is met by non-hateful applause from Elise. These two are secretly in love, I just know it. Then, they get egg yolk. Tommy guesses potato. What? I'm sorry, please someone call the paramedics, Tommy is clearly having a stroke right now. Carrie guesses egg, but Ramsay wants something more specific and she guesses hard boiled egg. Nope. Then, they get mango. Tommy recovers and guesses correctly. Carrie guesses strawberry and Ramsay's all, "What?" Really though, you taste the most basic fruit and guess one of the more acidic? Why don't they have clips on their noses? Smelling food gives a lot more away than hearing it.
Elizabeth and Will are up. With her headphones and blindfold on, Elizabeth squats like she's taking a poo and everyone thinks it's weird and hysterical. Ramsay even tells her to stand up. This show is like a prison yard. They get cauliflower first and both guess broccoli, which I guess should be some consolation later. Easy mistake. , lobster. Will guesses mushrooms and feels like an idiot when he hears the real answer. Elizabeth guesses cod. At least her guess was from the animal kingdom. Up is pumpkin and Will guesses sweet potato puree, while Elizabeth guesses butternut squash puree. Not crazy, but their teams are beside themselves. Then, they get mushy peas. Elizabeth is confused. She, uh, she, uh, doesn't know. She doesn't know. Finally, she just guesses spinach. Will? He guesses "mushy peas." Perfect. He wins but still feels like a loser.
Paul and Jennifer go up against each other. For chicken, Jennifer guesses turkey. So does Paul. Paul gets asparagus right, but Jennifer guesses celery. Natalie thinks she's an idiot. Thankfully, none of these mercenaries are competing to be head chef at Cafe Empathy. They both guess walnuts when given pecans. Jennifer had the good taste to add, "Chef Ramsay put nuts in my mouth." These people want to cook for you. When they get cheddar cheese, Paul guesses, "PARM!" That guy and the screaming. Also, hard cheese. Will yells that he's pulling his "Italian Card." Do us a favor and just pull his larynx. Jennifer gets it right and Will says he knew she would because she's from New England. I get it. Vermont.
It's down to Elise and Natalie. It seems Natalie would be aces at something so academic, right? Elise says that she has the best palate of the group and is about to prove it. Up first is filet mignon and motherfather if Elise doesn't get that shit right! Natalie guesses turkey. Boo. "You're welcome, Red Team," she screeches in an interview. Does anyone in the world love that version of Elise? This though: For Brussels sprouts, Natalie guesses parsnips and Elise guesses water chestnuts. I don't mean to be that guy, but I don't think I could ever misdiagnose a freaking Brussels sprout. They both get coconut right and Carrie gives Elise some props. So, we have a tie-breaker. It's sour cream. Will says aloud that he hopes Natalie doesn't guess crème fraiche. She guesses crème fraiche. Elise guesses...commercial break.
This Katie Holmes horror movie looks like her life, I mean, good. We're back and the score is tied. Elise guesses...sour cream! She does indeed have the best palate. Worst attitude. Best palate. Natalie is devastated because she didn't go with her first instinct. Chef Ramsay tells the Red Team that they are going to the Hollywood Hills for a gourmet lunch. And, they're going on horseback. They all get cowboy hats. Elise is thrilled because she's never been horseback riding.
Chef Ramsay says that, since they are competing to be head chef at a steak house, for the dinner service they are going to become a steak house. He wants a homemade jam to accompany desserts. So, the blue team is going to have to sort, wash, deseed and peel 200 pounds of grapes. Ouch.
The red team goes to the base of the Hollywood Hills and is greeted by James, the maître d', on horseback. That guy. Jennifer thinks that James looks like a natural. A horse pees in front of the girls and everything is dramatic. They have a lovely meal at the top of the hills. Meanwhile, the poor Blue Team is miserable with those grapes. Will says he wants to stab himself just for a change of pace. Tommy tells a joke -- Q: What do you call a purple gorilla? A: A grape ape. Natalie loses just a little bit more of her sanity at that moment.
Carrie gets drunk on the hill and, of course, all the women have tons to say about it. We're apparently missing the part where Carrie is seriously just fucking up everyone's lives. Aside from her fighting with Elise, she shares the same incompetency as everyone else and I really don't understand the big deal. The Blue Team gets loopy, but it looks like they're getting along rather well. Except Natalie is not having anymore of Tommy's grape jokes. In fact, she's not having any more grapes. She starts throwing them on the floor and screaming about how she ain't peeling no more grapes. It's kind of beautiful and cathartic. I understand not being wasteful and all that, but there's very little else as satisfying as throwing food at something. Then, Carrie and Elise walk in arm-in-arm and the world is officially ended. Oh, they're just drunk. Will tells Carrie that she stinks like a bar. Not pretty. He hopes that they are all hungover the day. Fat chance. Those dames look like pros to me.
Hold that. These drunk bitches all go to bed and Carrie and Elise start fighting because Elise is making fun of Carrie and the pee-pee horse. I'm not leaving anything out. It's that stupid. Elise tells her that she's not going to have to look at her after this challenge, because Carrie's not getting any better and she's going home. You know that adage about meeting the same people on the way down that you met on the way up? Elise should consider that.
The evening, it's time for dinner service. Ramsay says that they overbooked the restaurant. Two seatings. For the first seating, one team will serve while the other will cook. For the second, it will be the other way around. The Red Team, lead by Elise, decides to serve first. Elise thinks this will be a good way to gauge how the kitchen gets pounded. I think this is wrong because they will have less energy in the kitchen when they finally get there.
The kitchen opens. They're serving a ribeye, a strip steak and a hamachi appetizer. We see Jennifer ask what appetizer a table would like, so clearly they're offering something else as well. Tommy is on appetizers and, I don't know, I almost feel like there's some bullshit producing happening, because he never seems to answer a question about when his food will be ready. It's, frankly, scary. I'm scared for him. Can that really be happening?
Elise doesn't group her orders and Ramsay rips her ticket up. In her defense, as a person who has waited his share of tables, not every restaurant wants you to group similar orders. That said, you gotta ask. She says she's a chef and not a waitress, but I hate her. Carrie is a great waitress. Tommy is so slow and he won't talk to anyone. I don't get it.
Appetizers start reaching tables an hour after service begins. That's crazy. I'd quit if I were a server at that restaurant. I have. Then, Natalie starts overcooking the meat. I would have chewed my own tongue off before I volunteered to be the meat station for this service. She does it again. Everything's overcooked. Argh! The diners are getting restless. Elise, of course, talks lots of shit about it. Then, Natalie starts a fire. Ramsay closes the Blue Team's kitchen.
The tables turn. The Red Team starts their service in the kitchen. Tommy is a horrible waiter. His table thought he was a weirdo and Ramsay thinks he writes like a child. The ladies seem to be rocking the kitchen. Carrie is...not horrible? Tommy effs up more of the service. Ramsay really has a problem with his handwriting.
It's entree time. Elise doesn't cook the fish properly though. Everyone is stunned though they've all screwed things up too. Elise says she won't make the same mistake again. Jennifer starts screaming at Carrie to speed up the garnishes. Ramsay thinks it's overcooked and everyone picks on her. Jennifer is seriously done with her. Carrie gets it together, but then Elise drops some fish on the floor. They were almost done but Ramsay shuts them down. Whatever, those people were eating for free, anyway.
Afterward, Ramsay is all screaming at everyone. He says that this is the worst that any group has performed at this stage in the competition. At which point, I must add that BLT Steak is a really great restaurant. So, stakes (no pun intended?) are high. Ramsay says that Elise has a bright future in the industry (big smile from Elise, but wait!)...as a customer. He says she's not a team player and she, shock, protests. Jennifer seriously loses it and says she never listens. Ramsay seems so upset by the yelling, delicate flower that he is, and says that no one wins tonight. Each team will have to nominate one person for elimination.
The girls chat. Elizabeth votes for Carrie. Jennifer votes for Elise. The Blue Team can't decide whether it's Tommy or Natalie. It's weird to me that Natalie is in so much danger before Paul is.
The come before Chef Ramsay. The Red Team nominates Carrie. The Blue Team nominates Tommy, because of his lack of communication and problems being a server. Carrie says that she has so much more to show, which gets a "Bitch, Please!" look from Jennifer. Ramsay says that she was good during that service. As a server -- and BLT Steak is not looking for a maître d'. Ouch. Tommy says that he doesn't want to give a big speech, rather he wants to impress Chef Ramsay with his cooking. Ramsay says that he doesn't think that Tommy has a big future in Hell's Kitchen, but Carrie is the person going home. She's torn up. I think it's kind of sad. He says that she has a lot of heart and ambition, but she needs more experience. As she walks away, she gets a big hand of applause from the Blue Ream. Jennifer and Elizabeth timidly join, which makes them look like the biggest losers to me. Elise doesn't applaud at all, which, frankly, just makes her look like the biggest jerk.
We see a montage of Carrie/Elise escapades. She says that Elise had it out for her from day one. She has no regrets. She blames herself, though, for losing. Back in the Kitchen, Ramsay says that they need to get it together. Then, he tells Elise to take her jacket off! TO BE CONTINUED!
Jeff Long is a writer/performer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com