Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 22
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 25
Customers' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 2
Previously: the taste challenge was won by the red team, who got their pictures taken for TV Guide. LA and Carol got yelled at, and Lacey was a complete blabbering mess. Lacey got thrown out in the middle of service and the three remaining members of the blue team pulled together in a really pretty impressive performance. The red team didn't have a consensus on who to nominate, and ended up with LA, Andrea and Carol being nominated. LA got sent home.
Here we go! In the dorms, Andrea and Carol continue the argument that started three episodes ago. Giovanni tells them to settle things before the day, and they both insist that there's no one thing they're fighting about; they just can't stand each other. Also, Andrea has the Crazy Eyes. The music gets dramatic and we fade to yet another full moon. I apologize for going on about this, but at this point, I can't not notice. Every time they want to show "night," it's a full moon. At least on Survivor they mix in a cute monkey or a capybara or something.
The morning, Danny interviews that he feels that his team is strong. Chef Ramsay tells the chefs that he loves to take a protein and evolve it. See, Gordon Ramsay doesn't see himself as "God." He's more of an Intelligent Designer. He has the chefs list some famous chicken dishes, and that means they'll be cooking... king crab! The camera people try to pull off a dramatic focus-pull shot like Hitchcock used in Vertigo, but I think they're just rolling the table the crab is sitting on. Andrea interviews that she finds a full-size king crab a little off-putting. Yeah, it's weird. Robert's into it: "Get some butter and a metal bucket, because I'm going to town!" Okay, first of all, I think Chef Ramsay is hoping for something a little more sophisticated than "some butter". Second, how do the folks in "town" feel about you swaggering down Main Street with your bucket full of butter? Third, whenever a fat guy says "Get a bucket!" I expect a wafer-thin mint to be making an appearance.
The chefs are told they'll each make one crab dish. Then each team will come to a consensus about which dish to put forth. Chef Ramsay tells them that this is a challenge they don't want to lose, which puts it in the select company of "every other challenge on this show." And every other reality show, I guess. Ben drops two crabs in a giant pot and claims to have a Game Plan. He tells Danny and Robert that he dropped two crabs, so I assume he'll be sharing the meat. For a second, I thought he had some incredibly elaborate plan that required two whole king crabs worth of meat. We see Chef Ramsay wander through the kitchen, sniff a pot, and tell Ben he's surprised he's using so many legs in his sauce. Ben fumfers for a second and Chef Ramsay blows him off and walks away. Danny laughs at him in an interview.
In the red kitchen, Paula is looking for a chinois (which Wikipedia helpfully informs me is a conical sieve with an extremely fine mesh). Giovanni can't help her. Since Chef Ramsay is in their kitchen, she asks him if he could find them a chinois. "I could find you a chinois? [bleep] yourself, woman. Yeah. Would you like a latte?" Andrea claims that it was embarrassing, but she looks more gleeful.
All the chefs are done and quickly taste each others' dishes. Ben thinks Danny's dish isn't crunchy enough. Carol doesn't like Andrea's dish because it has crab shells on the plate, which are not edible and feels that Paula's looks the best. Ben interviews about how awesome he thinks he is. Robert interviews that he loved Ben's combination of vanilla and crab, and Danny goes along with the majority opinion although he personally prefers his own dish. The red team comes down to Paula or Andrea's dish, and Paula steps back because Andrea is so insistent on her own.
So it's Andrea's dish versus Ben's. Andrea's has two king crab legs lightly dusted with macadamia nut and asparagus, with a pear-infused butter. Gordon thinks it doesn't look glamorous. Ben (in an interview) thinks it looks like "a crab with the runs". Do crabs get the runs? I would have thought they'd get the scuttles. Chef Ramsay does not care for the crab shells on the plate and mocks them for a few minutes before giving them back to Andrea as earrings. She looks deflated. Chef Ramsay declares that it looks a mess and that it's bland and disgusting. Ben, you're up! His dish is on a square white plate (which, as we all know, makes things taste better) and looks like some orange and green hieroglyphics. Ben goes into way too much detail about how he cooked the crab. I can tell you there was butter involved. Chef Ramsay points out that there's only two things on the plate; how complicated could it have been? Anyway, the presentation is nice, but it's just king crab and asparagus on a plate. Gordon feels that it doesn't have the "Wow Factor" and declares that he is disappointed in everybody. Uh oh! Daddy's mad!
Gordon tells Danny and Paula to bring their dishes up. Paula's is a basil-coconut broth and has the sense to mention that she kept the crab "very clean". I don't think Ben quite realized Gordon Ramsay's objections to over-prepared food. Paula looks at Andrea and radiates smugness when Gordon says her dish is delicious. Danny poached his crab in Madeira and it's also delicious. Chef Ramsay emphasizes that Danny and Paula did exactly what he asked and asks why those two dishes didn't come up first. Danny mumbles something about the consensus of the group. And the winner is [break for commercial, and when we come back, the helicopter shot lets me see the outside section the chefs hang out in] the blue team! Exclamation point! Andrea is radiating anger. The red team will clean the dorms and then cook and clean all the crabs for the night's service. The winning team will be having "the most amazing day" with Gordon on the beach in Santa Monica. Ben and Robert say stupid things in interviews which I choose to ignore. Then the blue team is sent off to get ready for their limo. On the way to the dorm, all three of them do a little jig.
Chef Ramsay lectures the red team and particularly Andrea. Robert purposely leaves his underwear out, which Andrea finds gross. Well, I can see where she's coming from on that. Going out to the limo, Danny, Robert and Ben are all dressed in their civilian clothes and look ridiculous. They also do a little dance, which does not help. They look like idiots. Then they pile into their Hummer limo and we cut to the beach. Gordon zooms up on a Segway. Interesting fact: it is impossible to look dignified on a Segway. So now Ben and Danny are also on Segways, and I assume that Gordon is racing them. And I wouldn't put it past him to have their Segways set so they can't go as fast as his. Robert is on a bicycle because the Segways have a weight limit. Gordon takes a turn too fast and falls over onto the sand. He's not wearing a helmet, which I believe he's supposed to be. Danny and Ben are.
Voiceover: "Back at the dorms, it's no day at the beach for the red team." They're extravagantly whiny about cleaning up. Have these people never cleaned a toilet before? Andrea complains about smelly socks. Meanwhile, the blue team is eating lobster. Andrea interviews that "working with Carol is like working with a five-year-old. She's always got something to bitch about." Then we cut to Andrea complaining about the size of the king crabs, followed by Carol interviewing that Andrea never shuts up. The blue team returns and talks about their reward and generally annoys the red team. When the blue team leaves, we are meant to believe that the red team is furious because they are pounding the crabs with hammers. Hey, that's how you get crabs open even when you're in a good mood.
Before the night's dinner service, Chef Ramsay tells the teams that they'll be setting their own menus tonight, so they have to come up with three appetizers, three entrees and three desserts. Fine dining! And include some crab!
The teams return to the dorms and gather in front of those big flip-chart notepads you use for brainstorming. We cut back and forth between the teams as they say pretty much the same things. I enjoy the way Ben starts talking before he's come up with an idea: "I'm thinking halibut, gentlemen [this is where he wants to sound like a businessman in a meeting -- you can imagine someone shouting "I'm thinking halibut, gentlemen!" and pounding on his desk] and I think if we go ahead and take a halibut and we really try and go out there and do a method, say for instance, a shallow poach..." Robert interviews that poached halibut makes him think of a rich fuddy-duddy. Ben interviews that Robert and Danny aren't as refined as he is, and then there's a scene where everyone uses the term "pomme fondant" many times, even though no one appears to know what it means. Robert interviews that he wouldn't order this nonsense and they immediately cut to him saying that the menu sounds fine. Neither Danny nor Robert seems that into the menu that Ben has settled on. But both menus are done, so it's time to prep!
Carol plans to cook 26 orders of potatoes ahead of time and flash them in the oven to order. She interviews that this is a great idea that will in no way blow up in her face. On the blue side, Ben is getting on Robert's nerves by repeatedly asking if he's ready. End of prep! Open the kitchen!
Customers arrive. Each customer gets a half-red, half-blue menu to order from, which seems like it could cause trouble when half the table goes one way and the other half goes the other. Both menus feature carpaccio appetizers, steak entrees, and potato garnishes with Frenchified names: Ben's pomme fondant vs. Carol's gratin dauphinois, which I believe means "Cheese that will inherit the throne of France".
The first order comes in and the red team sends out its appetizers. But a customer is not happy with the beef carpaccio: "It has absolutely no flavor. It's like eating paper." JP brings it back, presumably to have some flavor added. Giovanni interviews that he guesses he didn't season it enough. Yes, that would follow. On the blue side, Ben's soup is salty and Chef Ramsay makes all three of them taste it. Robert claims that he spit it right out, but he actually waits until he sees Chef Ramsay do it first. Chef Ramsay shouts at Ben about oversalting the soup, and Ben just says "Yes, chef!" over and over again. Well, he does mention something about how he may have overreduced the soup, but mostly he just stands there and takes it. That's probably for the best. He tries making more soup, and we cut to the dining room. Apparently, if a table is split between kitchens, some people get food and some don't. And the woman who compared her carpaccio to paper is still not happy, so she picks up her plate and carries it to the kitchen. Well, that's pretty easy in this restaurant's layout, where the kitchen is right there.
She tells Chef Ramsay the carpaccio's still bland, and he tells Giovanni to get on it. Then she continues to stand there holding out the plate and whistles for his attention, so Gordon tells her off: "Don't whistle at me, I'm not your [bleep] dog, yeah. You look more like a dog than I do. Now [bleep] off, will you." It's obviously staged, and she's smiling when she reports to her table that she was told to [bleep] off. Gordon sends out a new dish with a torrent of dog analogies.
Carol's gratin dauphinois is undercooked, and it appears to be because it wasn't cooked ahead of time. Chef Ramsay makes Carol tell JP what's going on and then accuses her of blaming Andrea. Andrea interviews that she was embarrassed for Carol, and I think that's the third time this episode that Andrea has claimed to feel embarrassment for Carol. Andrea must be really easily embarrassed. Carol tells Chef Ramsay that the potatoes will be ready in "maybe ten minutes". Ramsay piles on the sarcasm and shouts out to the dining room that the potatoes will be ready in "maybe ten minutes" and calls the diners "poor [bleep] souls." He very rarely shouts obscenities directly into the dining room like that.
During the commercials, there is an "exclusive Hell's Kitchen Extra Helping", in which we see Aaron, the sobbing guy from season three. Gordon claims that he's the contestant he least would like to be on a desert island with, which doesn't exactly explain why he made a cameo in season four. Is this "exclusive for television" content that doesn't show up on Hulu? That's kind of weird.
Back from commercials, there's no bleep in the "poor souls" line. Weird. Anyway, Carol and Giovanni are conferring over the potatoes. Carol tastes one and says it tastes excellent. Then she tastes another and admits that not all of them are excellent and spits it out. She starts poking the potatoes with tongs, presumably trying to locate the unservable portions. Chef Ramsay wanders over to the blue kitchen and has some questions about Ben's pomme fondant. Specifically, Chef Ramsay turns out to know what "pomme fondant" means; it's supposed to be potatoes cooked in butter, nicely done. But Ben blanched the potatoes instead and interviews that apparently "pomme fondant" means something completely different to Chef Ramsay. We see Chef Ramsay check with sous chef Scott to verify that this isn't some American thing where we just call it something different, but Scott's on Gordon's side. Ben interviews that Chef Ramsay's vocabulary is foreign to him, and so is Chef Ramsay himself. While that is literally true (since we're talking about a French term being used by a Scottish chef), I don't think it will get him out of this. Chef Ramsay shouts at Ben for awhile about the potatoes.
Back on the Red side, Carol has tried pouring cream on the potatoes and cooking them a little longer. This has just made them runny and gross. Andrea: "There was no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like [bleep]. They looked like [bleep] [bleep]." I agree with Andrea. The potatoes are a lost cause. Chef Ramsay digs in at Carol: "This is supposed to be your exciting menu. Really?" Ouch. Chef Ramsay widens his focus and shouts at the entire red team to come up with an alternative.
Over in the blue kitchen, some entrees could start leaving, but Robert needs three and a half minutes more on two filets and two halibuts. He's pretty clear on how long it will be and explains that he missed one of the halibuts, which does not prevent Chef Ramsay from shouting at him about slowing the kitchen down. Robert interviews that he's working both the meat and the fish station. Chef Ramsay abruptly switches gears: "Don't give up, Robert! Don't you dare give up!"
Carol's now on the meat station and provides some rare steak instead of medium. Robert has a filet that's too small, but it's Ben who cut the meat. Chef Ramsay gets up inside Ben's personal space and accuses him of doing it to sabotage Robert. Ramsay, Robert, and Ben look at some of the meat, which is not all cut in nice little filet mignon-shaped pieces the way you'd like. Robert interviews that he does think Ben was trying to sabotage him. Chef Ramsay accuses Ben of sweating (more than Robert?) and Ben has to run over to towel and wipe his face off. He interviews that it was not sweat but tears.
Suddenly it's two hours into dinner service and both teams are on desserts. Ben is running around and trying to pump up Robert with some general talk about doing things quickly (and "beating these bitches to the window," for you sexism fans!), but Robert is in no mood to have Ben telling him to hurry up. Robert tells Ben to back up off him, and suddenly there's an exchange of words. Robert interviews that he is not here to make friends. Chef Ramsay again accuses Ben of sabotage. Back on the red side, some meat comes back from the dining room for being medium-rare instead of medium. Chef Ramsay shuts down the red kitchen. No, wait! Coming back from commercial, it appears that he shut down both kitchens!
So now the chefs are lined up in the kitchen and it's time to select a winning team. Chef Ramsay tells them they let him down and couldn't even execute their own food. The blue team was rated 39% "Above Average" for their entrees. The red team got 54%, so they win, although Ramsay emphasizes that it was not a glorious victory. Now Danny will go to the dorm and select one teammate for elimination. Ouch!
In the dorms, Carol, Andrea and Giovanni all feel they should have lost. Carol and Andrea each interview that Carol would have gone home, although they have different opinions on whether this would have been a good thing.
The blue team is gathered. Ben sets in making his case to Danny, telling him why he's so much better than Robert. As you might remember, Ben feels that he is awesome and cannot conceive of anyone thinking they're better than him. He also feels that Robert moves slowly. Robert describes himself as "a diamond in the rough", which prompts Ben to make this analogy: "And when you use a term 'diamond in the rough,' it's exactly that. A diamond. But in the rough." Wait, I guess that's not really an analogy. Really, he just said the same thing twice.
Danny interviews that he thinks he's better than both of them anyway and that both Robert and Ben have pros and cons. Thanks, Danny.
Down in the dining room, Chef Ramsay asks Danny for his decision. After a commercial break, it's Ben. Ben is shocked, but Danny feels he's met his full potential. Chef Ramsay calls both Ben and Robert forward anyway, because he was just screwing with Danny. Ben why should you stay? "I bring a foundation of leadership. I go balls to the wall." Chef Ramsay does not feel that Ben has shown leadership, especially in the area of cutting meat for someone else's station. Chef Ramsay compares Ben to a snake in the bushes. Anyway, Robert? "When I come out into this kitchen, I wear ten percent of my heart on my sleeve, and the rest goes deep into the food, and goes directly to the customer's mouth." Well, that's just gross. Stop doing that. Also, Robert thinks he's the best chef here.
Chef Ramsay considers. He announces that he will send home "the person who has sabotaged their team and the person I feel personally has given up." That's a weird phrasing. Is he going to do some kind of double-switcheroo and send home someone from the red team? "Carol. Jacket off, and you're leaving Hell's Kitchen." Yup. He's just screwing with everyone. Ben hugs his teammates and I suspect he's crying. Ramsay says that Carol never made a comeback after her potatoes.
Carol is disappointed.
Ben interviews that he's relieved to be staying, and also makes the somewhat worrying claim that "Only God knows what a [bleep] soldier I am." Yeah, it's hard to claim to be "God's Soldier" without sounding like a serial killer. Oh, and Andrea is glad Carol's gone and Robert's glad to be here.
week: Robert threatens to step on people's necks! Chef Ramsay supposedly tells two chefs to take off their jackets, but I notice that there are people in black jackets in the kitchens, so it's probably just a merge. And there's a phone call that leads to a shocking announcement where Gordon Ramsay allegedly shuts down Hell's Kitchen.
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Monty has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.