Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 15
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 38
Jean-Philippe's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: Zero, because he is classy
Previously: Giovanni was switched from the blue team to the red team and apparently helped a lot. Lacey did poorly in the challenge and then stomped out of the prep. Carol got called a "nasty little bitch" by Gordon and then called Andrea a "stupid bitch" in an interview. Gordon called LA a "stupid cow" and also threw J out, out, out! Get out! Andrea and Carol didn't like each other at all. All of the blue team hated Lacey, Lacey hated Robert, Gordon hated Ben, but J was the only one who left.
Going up to the dorms, Giovanni tries to convince Carol that her goal should be to win, not to fight with Andrea. Carol interviews that at this point, she'd rather work with The Hated Lacey than with Andrea. LA tells Lacey that she's lucky Chef Ramsay doesn't see what goes on behind the scenes, and I think I agree. Ramsay only really sees the actual cooking, not the punishments, where Lacey has walked out on her team twice. LA thinks that Lacey is only in this for the prizes and the trips, not because she really thinks she could run a million-dollar restaurant. Well, I'm not so sure any of these people will really be "running" Chef Ramsay's restaurant for him. Lacey wants to continue to learn, and Robert tells her that everyone but her has more skills, so she should be trying to learn from them instead of fighting them. Lacey interviews that the only person whose opinion matters is Chef Ramsay.
It is a full moon. Again! Man, even Survivor showed a non-full moon this week.
Everyone's lined up in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay explains that they'll be working on tartare of beef and tartare of scallops. Well, how hard can this be? It's raw! Chef Ramsay demonstrates his method of mixing raw, chopped ingredients and asks Lacey if she likes tartare. Lacey has never had it. While the rest of us roll our eyes, Chef Ramsay asks if anyone apart from Lacey has never made tartare. No hands are raised. Chef Ramsay passes around the two dishes, and then tells everyone to eat up.
But there's a secret twist! The beef tartare was made with tuna. And the scallops? Sea bass. Will the chefs notice? Let's watch! Remember, nobody raised a hand to admit that they hadn't cooked tartare before. Everyone heaps praise on the dishes. Ben loves the scallops. Robert loves beef. Chef Ramsay tells them about the twist, and Carol interviews, "Damn, I'm a moron!" That's some good self-awareness right there. Chef Ramsay mocks Ben for claiming it was "the best scallop I've ever had" (although we didn't actually hear him say that; what we saw was him calling the scallops "phenomenal"). Robert: "At least I'm not the only idiot!"
So the challenge is a taste test. Carol interviews that this is the challenge she was looking forward to. Before we start, the teams are uneven and someone from the red team has to sit out. LA volunteers immediately and takes a little flack for not being confident in her palate. LA interviews that she doesn't have a great palate, and is also a smoker. Pretty much everyone on this show is a smoker, from what I can tell.
Round one: Andrea vs. Ben. Blindfolds and headphones on! To test the headphones, Gordon calls Ben a "fat [bleep]". Each chef will taste four foods. First up is filet mignon, which Ben thinks is sirloin and Andrea thinks is liver. , both identify fried egg whites (as "egg") and beets. Andrea thinks romaine lettuce is celery, but Ben identifies it as diced romaine. So it's 3-2 blue team.
Round two: Robert vs. Giovanni. It's turnip, but Giovanni thinks it's asparagus. While he's saying that, Robert starts shouting "Cream of cauliflower. Or broccoli. Broccoli broccoli broccoli broccoli broccoli. Broccoli. Cream of broccoli." That's a funny word. "Broccoli". It's also wrong. Anyway, up is pea tendrils. Giovanni says spinach and interviews that he's never heard of "pea tenders". Well, it's really "pea tendrils", but I've never heard of them either. Robert goes with watercress and interviews that he's obviously not a big "pea tendrils" kind of guy. , Giovanni thinks "lobster" tastes like "poached egg yolk" which is both wrong and hilariously specific. Robert goes with "mushroom", and everybody watching is lavish in their disbelief. Seriously, mushroom and egg yolk? Finally, it's black truffles. Danny whispers that Robert loves truffles (there's room here for a joke about him being a pig, but I am above that sort of thing), and Ben goes so far as to declare to Chef Ramsay that this is a guaranteed win, since truffles are Robert's favorite food. Robert, what's the verdict? "Tastes like [bleep], whatever it was." Nice job, dummy. The red team finds this very amusing. And once he's informed what it was, Robert seems to find it pretty funny too: "Ain't that a bitch!" Then he interviews that he is not Helen Keller. Giovanni also denies ever having tasted black truffles in his life. No score either way, so it's still 3-2 blue.
Round three: Carol vs. Lacey. Lacey guesses "daikon" for the mushroom, but Carol nails it. , Calf's Liver. That seems needlessly specific, and Carol gets the point with "It's gross. It tastes like liver!" Lacey guesses foie gras, and even the red team goes "Awwww!" with how close she was. Neither of them can identify broccolini (who was a painter in the thirteenth century, I believe). Both of them identify sweet potato, but it's pretty clear they're both guessing. It's now 5-4 red team, and both Lacey and Carol did pretty well. Better than Robert or Giovanni, anyway.
Finally, Paula vs. Danny. For the final round, Chef Ramsay will give them a dish with ten ingredients, and they'll go back and forth naming things. The dish is minestrone soup. Go! Danny gets points for chicken stock, carrot, celery, but then misses with salt and chicken. Paula wrongly guesses potato, water, and sausage before getting points for beans and bacon. The score is now tied and each chef has one guess left.
But first, commercials! Coming back, I paused my Tivo so I could get a look at the Hell's Kitchen building. It's a huge one-story building in an office park somewhere, and if the dorms are in the same building as the kitchen, that means the sky isn't really visible. Then I spent about twenty minutes poking around the internet to see if I could find out exactly where it is, followed by identifying the address, looking at it on Google Maps Satellite view, and then actually finding the web page for the people that rent out this specific property and looking at their pictures. Did you know that the Hell's Kitchen building (for seasons 4 and 5, anyway) is 57,728 square feet? Finally, I quit stalling and got back to recapping.
Danny goes with Madeira, which is wrong. Paul says celery, which is right. The red team wins a photo shoot for "an exclusive magazine feature with TV Guide". TV Guide? Well, I guess it's technically a magazine. Andrea talks about being excited. The blue team is told they'll be involved in the photo shoot, but only in the sense that they'll be cooking food and serving the winners throughout. Oh, and they'll be prepping both kitchens for dinner service tonight. They are vexed.
The red team is in hair and makeup. Carol tells us that she has salon experience and would gladly do Chef Ramsay's hair for him. Ben appears with a tray of drinks and says "Can I interest you in a bit of sparkling apple cider?" He sounds a little sarcastic, but not entirely. When Lacey offers Giovanni a chocolate-dipped something, she's so not into it, that I can't even make out what the something is. When she turns around, I can see it's a strawberry. Lacey interviews that she's always wanted to have her hair and makeup professionally done. She says she has a face made for magazines, and she doesn't really. I think she might have been really cute in high school and never noticed that her looks changed. Lacey interviews that she hates all of them and doesn't want to wait on the snooty bitches. We get an example of the alleged snooty bitchery when someone asks for no bleu cheese on something.
Craig Tomashoff of TV Guide sits down with the red team and the blue team brings out some Cobb salads. Chef Ramsay harasses them about not having water on the table and serving the men before the women. Then the red team moves over to where they'll be getting their photo taken. Ben brings over some wine just as the flashes go off, causing him to drop a glass. Pictures are taken. Andrea is open-mouthed with glee. The blue team does prep. Lacey is on potatoes and Ben is frustrated with her slow pace.
The red team puts on silly clothes and poses on the stairs. Sous chef Scott harasses the blue team about getting done. Ben gets angrier and angrier about serving the other team. Robert asks Lacey if she can get some dirt out of somewhere, and she answers "Yeah. I'll get right on it." Sounds good, right? Helpful and in the spirit of teamwork? Well, what if I told you she was extravagantly rolling her eyes at the time? So it was really more like "Yeah. I'll get right on it." Danny thinks she should either cook or leave. Everyone makes some sort of snotty comment, with Lacey comparing Robert to a jackass and just saying "Hee Haw!" to his request for her to set up a station. Tensions are high!
Suddenly, both teams are finishing prep. LA says that she's found that being too confident doesn't work, and that she wants to be a little nervous. I like that plan. Keeps you on your toes! Carol thinks that the red team is two up on the blue team, not one, because Lacey counts as a negative chef. We see Danny coaching Lacey through the meat station, telling her everything she needs to have ready and what temperature her ovens should be. Lacey tells us that she's on meat, and she seems a little skeptical.
People arrive! "As usual, Hell's Kitchen is fully booked", and my Internet sleuthing suggests that we have a casting agency and Craigslist to thank for that. But we also have a celebrity! Eric McCormack of Will & Grace is here. He will be the uninteresting part of the night's festivities. Just like he was on his own show. Zing! Without Pity! Oh, we also have Robert Patrick, who is listed as being from Terminator 2 (which I recapped last year!), because everybody would like to forget that he was on The X-Files. Incidentally, he's going to be in The Men Who Stare at Goats, which is based on a book I greatly enjoyed. And it will star Ewan McGregor and George Clooney! Anyway, Robert Patrick is scary. I advise the chefs not to screw up his order.
It's on! Robert is on hot appetizers for the blue team and interviews that he loves to sauté. Love in your dreams, man. Go with yourself. Paula's on hot apps for the red, and her risotto is too salty. Robert's first spaghetti is too ample. Chef Ramsay reminds him that he's cooking for the customers, not himself. Good one! Chef Ramsay sends Ben over to help Robert, who doesn't want the help. Ben interviews that he'll help anyone because he's the best chef on his team. Some food gets out to the customers. On the red team, Paula has a much better risotto. We jump forward 45 minutes, and Eric McCormack is apparently just now ordering. His table goes to the blue team, who are told it's a VIP order. Danny interviews that he doesn't do anything extra for VIPs because (all together now) he puts 110 percent into everything he does. The appetizers for Mr. McCormack are acceptable to both Ramsay and McCormack.
Carol's going to be a little late with some well-done meat, and Chef Ramsay wants her to put her oven up to 500 degrees. She's worried about burning the other dishes, and Chef Ramsay accuses her of being "ditzy". Then he yells at Paula to keep an eye on Carol and her alleged ditziness. Chef Ramsay goes back to the blue side to yell at Lacey not to screw up Eric McCormack's meat (oh, grow up!) and she throws a full-body sulk. Ben asks her to talk to him, and she answers, "I don't know!" Danny asks her if her lamb is reheating. Her answer: "No! I can't... guys, I'm serious!" Danny encourages her to breathe. They're trying so hard not to upset her and to get her to do the job. Danny tries cooking through her, telling her when to grab a pan and put it in the oven. She gives it a try but is soon back to announcing that she has no idea what is happening. Chef Ramsay asks how long the food will be, and she throws her hands in the air helplessly. A pan catches fire and she doesn't even know what was in it. Gordon: "What's the matter with you?" Lacey: "I can't cook meat, chef!" Gordon: "What d'you mean you can't cook meat?" Lacey: "Obviously I'm way too confused--" Gordon: "Madam! Madam! Get out!" Well, honestly. At this point, even Lacey would admit she doesn't belong in there.
Chef Ramsay chases her into the pantry. They have a brief conversation, if that word can be applied to a scene where one person is shouting and the other is bemoaning her fate. Lacey claims that she does want to make the effort required to cook and is allowed back into the kitchen. Ben convinces Lacey to talk to just him, blocking everyone out. She can't remember which of her beef wellingtons is well done, so he tries something with the smallest one. But it looks like he burns his hand before he can get started and that breaks his paper-thin grip on politeness so he stalks away. Ben starts to tell Lacey he needs her to do something, and she snaps, "You need to put me on something easier than [bleep] wellingtons!" I'm sure he'd love to, but I'm also sure that the chefs are assigned their stations by Chef Ramsay, who would not appreciate people switching off willy-nilly.
Meanwhile, in a moment of levity, Robert's pants have split. He doesn't stop, though.
On the red side, Carol is having trouble with communication, not telling Andrea if it's safe to bring John Dory up to the pass. And when Carol brings her lamb to the pass, Andrea isn't ready with the sauce, which makes Chef Ramsay angry at Andrea ("Hurry up! Rapidly!"). Andrea blames Carol, Carol blames Andrea. Robert Patrick likes his food. It's time for the VIP entrees on the blue side, though, and Ben is ordered back to his station, which makes Lacey immediately start despairing. She keeps saying "I can't cook [bleep] meat!" as though that's an acceptable excuse on a cooking show. Chef Ramsay yells "VIP! VIP! VIP!" at Lacey like he's a particularly patriotic citizen of the Valorous Independent Patriarchy or something. Lacey starts flapping her arms ineffectually and asks for three minutes. Chef Ramsay can see the food clearly and wants it in one minute. Lacey is completely befuddled. She can't even form words. Finally, she just brings what she has up to the pass on the theory that maybe she'll get lucky. Hey, it's absolutely worth a try, right?
Well, it doesn't work. The lamb is awful. Gordon shouts at her again: "It's not good enough! Get out! You're not good enough! Piss off!" He catches up with her in the pantry and tells her that she's obviously wasting everyone's time here. She agrees and he takes her jacket. Chef Ramsay makes Lacey go into the kitchen and say goodbye to everyone, which she does while obviously on the edge of tears. The blue team all sort of half-nod to her. Robert is not sympathetic in an interview which involves the word "bee-atch". Lacey interviews that it has not been a particularly pleasant experience. She leaves. So that's the second person to leave in mid-service.
The blue team is down to three chefs: Ben, Danny, and Robert. Chef Ramsay tries to pep them up a little and calls out the VIP order again. Somehow, they start getting entrees going and Eric McCormack likes his lamb. Red entrees come back because Carol's wellingtons are rare, not well done. Her replacements are also undercooked. LA is frustrated because her garnish is all cued up and she has to wait. On the blue side, entrees are going well. Ben and Danny are nice and loud. The last ticket comes in and they shout "Yes, chef!" nice and loud. Ramsay likes that sort of thing.
When Chef Ramsay asks Carol where the chicken is, she claims it's coming. Ramsay: "Yeah, so's Christmas, madam." Carol claims that the chicken was sitting right there and someone must have taken it. Then she finds it. Chef Ramsay comments acidly to JP that "Ditzy's nail broke!"
The remaining blue team gets their food out before the red team, although we're ignoring desserts as usual. Chef Ramsay shouts at the red team for awhile, calling them pathetic, and then tells them to switch off their ovens.
The chefs line up in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay praises the blue team's teamwork and says they win "by a mile"! He accuses LA of being asleep tonight and tells the red team to come to a consensus about which two chefs should go home. They go to the dorms (I've decided to stop calling it "up" to the dorms because I'm pretty sure it's on the same floor) and the red team talks about their lack of teamwork. Carol says she'd nominate herself and Andrea. Andrea would nominate Carol and LA. Carol reminds us that she and Andrea hate each other. Paula would say Carol and LA. LA accuses Paula of being super-best-friends with Andrea. Giovanni is called upon to be a tiebreaker, and he says that he'd pick LA over Andrea, because he thinks Andrea could run a kitchen better. Andrea says that there is no way she's going home tonight, or even up on the chopping block.
The red team lines up in front of Chef Ramsay in the dining room. He asks if they've come to a consensus, and the answer is both "no" and "kind of". Nice consensus! Chef Ramsay doesn't want to put up with this and calls on Paula. Paula puts up LA ("Her services have been okay, nothing superb") and Carol ("A few bad services") but admits that Andrea was the other candidate. Gordon asks who nominated Andrea, and Carol and LA say they did. Andrea smirks, thinking that this demonstrates their obvious bias. Then she rolls her eyes in disbelief when Chef Ramsay calls all three of LA, Carol, and Andrea up in front of him.
Andrea, what would you rate yourself out of 10? "Six." Why so high? She blames communication with the meat station. Andrea would send LA home, because she feels that Carol has initiative. Carol and Andrea claim they work differently but get the job done; Chef Ramsay points out that they didn't get the job done tonight. LA thinks she's being nominated not because of her cooking but because of her lack of communication and emotion. Carol wants another choice and would send Andrea home because LA has been consistent. Finally, the person leaving tonight is... "Carol. Andrea. Back in line. LA, take your jacket off." I disapprove of using tortured grammar in an attempt to mislead the audience. Anyway, LA's going home. She isn't pleased. She claims that she purposely doesn't show emotion in the kitchen because "Emotions are weakness. And I will never be weak. Never." Well, that's a whole weird area I don't wish to get into.
Emotions are weakness? Really? Who lives like that? (My girlfriend, who is reading over my shoulder, tells me that she does. Frankly, that's a little worrying.)
Carol and Andrea interview about how much they hate each other. Ben talks some smack. My Tivo cuts out before I have to hear any more of this nonsense.
Monty has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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