Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 10
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 23
Thing Ben Would Like You To Know About Him: He's Jewish
Previously: Lacey moved to the men's team and they told her not to cry. Andrea was kind of bossy while her team shopped, but they won the challenge. Lacey complained, but she did well on the garnish station. J did poorly on the meat station, as did Andrea. Colleen did extremely poorly on the desserts. Chef Ramsay ignored the nominated chefs and sent Colleen home. He never liked her.
The red team is a little sad that Colleen has gone home, and Andrea tells us that she deserved to be nominated for elimination. We see a conversation between J and Giovanni that I don't think takes place when they claim it does. We don't see either of their mouths, since J is hiding in a corner looking at pictures of his wife and child.
The morning, Chef Ramsay tells Lacey to keep shining. That's what he says, "shining". Then he tells the chefs that they'll be doing a bar mitzvah. Ben is extremely excited because he is Jewish. Coi has catered many a bar mitzvah and describes them as a lot of fun, full of dancing and breaking glass. So Gordon introduces the mother and grandmother of the guest of honor, who say that his favorite food is hamburger (specifically, his mother's hamburger), chicken soup, and brisket. Reaction shots for Ben abound.
So the challenge is for each team to make a hamburger, chicken soup, and brisket, and take the food to "an entirely new level". Robert's making a Kobe beef burger. The voiceover tells us that the chefs are being judged on their ability to innovate and think on their feet, but he might as well just say "We decided to throw a Top Chef-style challenge in here." Coi interviews that she knows what kids like, but I believe he'll be a man by the end of the evening. And Coi gets out on a tangent where she ends up saying that she doesn't want to know all the children in the world. I think what happened there was that she just kept talking without really having a plan.
Ben continues to tell us that he's Jewish. It gets somewhat tiring.
Carol plans to make a burger stuffed with bleu cheese. Andrea is a little suspicious, but Carol assures her (and us) that her kids love it. I don't want to get into the details of kosher food here, because I'm certain I'd get something wrong, and because I realize not everyone who is Jewish keeps kosher. But I'm pretty sure the basic concept of a kosher cheeseburger is problematic. There is some discussion of cheese and whether goat cheese is milder. Carol interviews that she would like to take a needle and sew Andrea's lips shut, which seems a little harsh. Carol suggests to the group that she'll cook her burger to medium, and sticks to her guns even when everyone else thinks medium-well.
In the panic to get everything plated, J refers to himself in the third person again, and Lacey falls down. Ben: "All I gotta say, gentlemen, is Hava Nagila." Shut up, Ben.
Both teams claim to be happy with the dishes, and then bring in the bar mitzvah boy, Max, to do the judging. That seems reasonable. First: Andrea and Giovanni have chicken soup. Andrea has a strained analogy about her spring chicken soup symbolizing Max's ascent into manhood. Max's grandmother seems to really like the red team's chicken soup, but Max feels that his friends would prefer the blue version.
Ben smugly interviews about how great his brisket is. LA's has a cherry barbecue glaze, and Max picks the red team's. Not that I'm implying anything, but have you ever noticed that every single time there's a three-part challenge, the first two parts are always won by different teams? Anyway, Ben gasses on some more about how he figured that he'd automatically win the challenge due to his Jewishness.
Burgers: Carol vs. Robert. Carol interviews that she felt that Robert's burger looked burnt and greasy. Robert tells Max that he's becoming a man and deserves a man-sized burger, and Giovanni interviews, basically, that Robert is fat and therefore good at hamburgers. Carol explains that her burger involves a trio of lamb, veal, and Kobe beef, and mixed in bleu cheese, and so on. My worries about the cheese appear to be unfounded as everyone digs in. Max can't decide right away, and we see Carol and Robert telling them in detail why their dishes are better, invoking symbolism, sun-dried tomatoes, and aioli. After a commercial, Max finally picks the blue team, saying that the bleu cheese was not that great. Robert celebrates.
Chef Ramsay says that he has "arranged something unique" for the blue team: they're going to a spa to relax. Well, that's not really all that unique. Lots of people do it. It's not even the first spa-based reward this season. It is the (mostly) men's team going to the spa this time. Danny tells us that he ain't never been to no spa.
The cheese controversy continues, and Chef Ramsay tells the red team they'll be getting the dining room ready for the bar mitzvah. And Max's grandmother introduces Jean-Philippe to the person he'll be working with: a man who appears to be wearing a velour jacket and says "Bonjour, darling!" It's Francisco the Extremely Gay Party Planner from last season, and JP is not thrilled to see him. They have an obviously staged confrontation and Francisco is let loose on the contestants. The word "fabulous" is used many times, but I have seen every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, and I am here to tell you: Francisco has a long way to go. LA: "I'm gay. That dude is parade gay." Seriously. I also recap Ugly Betty, and Francisco is flouncier than Suzuki St. Pierre and Marc St. James rolled into one.
Anyway, the red team gets to redecorating. And the blue team gets facials and scrubs and things, which they emphasize they have never had before. J goes into a frenzy of third-person telling us all the things that J has never done. If you don't like Robert, you will probably not enjoy the shot of him getting loofahed. The red team has some trouble setting up the dance floor (it's made up of several separate squares) because Carol and Andrea hate each other and can't work together. Lacey, the only woman on the blue team, is the only one apparently allowed to enjoy being rubbed down with oil without having to tell us how weird it was.
The red team continues to have trouble with the dance floor until someone notices that it's actually a basketball court. Paula tells us that the light in her brain is flashing, which I believe is a sign of epilepsy. The dance floor finally comes together, which is a process that involves hammering.
As the blue team returns, shouting "Mazel tov!", the red team is filling balloons and rolling their eyes at the way the blue team is wearing sunglasses inside. The blue team enthusiastically and obnoxiously goes off to get in the red team. And we get a shot of the moon, which, astonishingly, is full. I know! What are the odds that after pretending the moon is full every single night, we'd see another shot of the moon, and it would still be full? Anyway, it's back to work for everyone. The night's menu will include the regular menu (you know, the one they keep screwing up) as well as the three winning dishes. Danny asks Ben if a bar mitzvah is "the chair deal", and Ben agrees that it's "the Jews' signature move."
Chef Ramsay seems a little frantic as he calls the chefs over for a pregame tension-inducer. He says that it's the most important service ever in Hell's Kitchen and that it's absolutely essential that they finish the service. I think he calls Max "Matt" here. The dining room is decorated in a basketball theme, starting with the basketball-court dance floor and including a scoreboard (with the name "MAX" in huge letters). Francisco is wearing a yarmulke that looks like a basketball. Now send in the guests!
Francisco opens the festivities with "Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls..." but unfortunately, he does not add "...dyin' time's here." I suppose a Thunderdome shoutout was a longshot. Actually, he just introduces Max Rubin. Everyone applaud! Max is seated at the head of the room, where I'm pretty sure he will be able to hear all of the shouting from the kitchen.
Andrea is on appetizers and she has some risotto. No good; not enough mushrooms. Carol offers to make some risotto too, and Andrea will have none of it. After Andrea adds mushrooms until they are plentiful (Gordon's word!), they are acceptable. And now it's time for the second part of the red team's punishment: they have to stop cooking and go out to hold Max's chair for the Celebration Dance. There is clapping and Max shoots finger-guns at people in the audience. Ben tells us that he's Jewish. The women rush back into the kitchen.
The blue team has a hiccup when J neglects to provide a salad with no dressing and J tells us that Chef Ramsay is intimidating. An hour and a half in, all appetizers have been served, but Max has to get his entree before any others can go out. Coi rushes out of the kitchen to get the burgers and put them on, which disgusts and annoys Chef Ramsay. But it doesn't seem like she lost more than thirty seconds here, does it? Besides, Max is shooting baskets in one of those arcade-style games. So is Francisco, who has another staged scene with JP. Coi has some problems with her burgers, and the first round are all deemed uncooked. Chef Ramsay shouts "It's Max's table!" ten or twenty times.
The second round of Coi's burgers are deemed hot enough to serve, and that means everyone else can serve entrees. Danny brings up his burgers, and it seems to me that burgers are getting ordered a lot more than the usual menu tonight. I'm sure part of that is that Max's friends are kids. But I think even the adults are looking at the menu and thinking, "Well, I've seen this show. I think I'm more likely to receive food if I pick the simplest thing on the menu." Danny's burgers (which I mentioned earlier in the paragraph, before the thing about the menu) are sent back because the plates are dirty on the bottom. Danny tells us that they must have gotten dirty at the garnish station because his station is immaculate. Ben calls him a filthy pig.
Coi is late with brisket, and Chef Ramsay blames it on everybody working too close and bumping into each other. I don't know, it seems to me that this kitchen has more room in it than a lot of actual professional kitchens. Admittedly, I'm really just basing this on that one episode of the Anthony Bourdain show where he worked a shift in his old kitchen. That place was tiny! Anyway, Coi runs around and drops stuff. On the blue side, Lacey has some beef that's cold, and it is surprisingly difficult for her to reheat it. Gordon shouts "Where's the Beef?" in a way that would amuse you if you remembered the mid-1980s. Robert correctly identifies it as a Wendy's commercial. If you're curious, the old lady was named "Clara Peller".
Andrea starts running around demanding things from other stations, and Carol has to tell her to back off because the fries aren't ready yet. We see kids playing foosball. Francisco comes up behind Jean-Phillipe with a cake (with a basketball on it), and tells JP to turn around. When he does, the cake falls to the ground. Well, it was a dumb-looking cake anyway. Sorry, Max. Anyway, they have a staged argument and a couple of enterprising youngsters sneak up to taste the cake. Hey, kids love to poke dead things. And if those dead things are made out of cake, so much the better!
Both teams are on desserts. They seem to go fairly smoothly. Dinner service is completed. Gordon tells Max he's got "a very stunning little surprise for you." See, this is where Gordon's verbal tics run into each other. I'm not sure you can have a "little surprise" that's "very stunning". This is where I would mention RuPaul's Drag Race again, but that would be inappropriate. We're in the middle of a bar mitzvah!
Anyway, the surprise is the Harlem Globetrotters. Do the kids today dig the Globetrotters? Aren't they all into the And1 tour? Anyway, Robert makes the required Scooby Doo reference, and the Clown Princes of Dunk goof around with Max. It's all good fun.
As the chefs clean their stations after service (which we never see!), Andrea and Carol clear the air. Well, it starts that way, but then Carol tells Andrea she wants to punch her in the neck. Well, she wanted to. Past tense. That still seems to bother Andrea, and that's where the peace talks ended.
The teams are lined up in front of Chef Ramsay, and he declares it a successful dinner service. Both teams were pretty even, so he's grading them on their level of determination. I don't know what that means. But the blue team wins. Chef Ramsay says that Andrea bounced back and should pick two nominees. Then he tells everyone to piss off.
In the dorms, Carol and LA are theatrically disbelieving that Andrea would be considered the strongest from that night. When Andrea joins them, she informs Carol that it is inappropriate to tell someone you want to punch them in the throat. Instead of quibbling about the difference between "neck" and "throat", Carol just serenely says, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." Strangely, this does not soothe Andrea, nor does it stop her from pontificating about throat-punching. Paula claims that all of them were exactly equal.
In the dining room, the women are arranged roughly tallest to shortest, with Coi on the left and LA over on the right. The blue team watches with glee. Andrea, who are you nominating? "I still don't know if I've made my decision, chef." What? Gordon: "Are you [bleep]ing kidding me?" He does not like people who try to duck out of their responsibilities. He asks again, and Andrea's answer is "Um..." He asks again, and the pause takes us to the commercial break.
Hey! This ad for the Hell's Kitchen video game includes a mention of how to enter to win a meal in Hell's Kitchen! I'm entering that. Say, if any producers are reading this, I'd happily fly myself down to Los Angeles to see what the dining experience is like.
We're back. Andrea is still fumfering. She eventually nominates Coi and LA. Aw, man. All the easy-to-type names are going! Andrea accuses LA of giving 90%, not 110%. Instead of arguing about math (which is what I would do, and I acknowledge that it isn't always appropriate), LA insists that she does too give 110% every time. Coi says she's a team player, and tells Chef Ramsay that she feels that Andrea was the worst tonight. Chef Ramsay accuses her of playing mind games, but asks LA, Carol, and Paula what they think. LA and Carol say Andrea, but Paula says Coi. Chef Ramsay sends Coi home. Coi is angry because she feels she's better than Andrea. LA vows to take charge in the kitchen. Lacey says the red team is a bunch of bitches who will attack each other. Chef Ramsay tells us that Coi was sent home because she couldn't cook a burger.
week: Lacey quits, "and this time, it might be for real!" Hmm. That's not so compelling. Also, Robert promises to become a crack whore. Huh.
Monty also has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
Discuss this episode in the Hell's Kitchen forums, and see which other reality loudmouth should date Gordon Ramsay!