Welcome back to Hell's Kitchen, you fucking donkeys! Actually, I mean that affectionately, so I believe it should be "doughnuts." I've been watching a lot of Kitchen Confidential and Gordon Ramsay's The F Word, so I think I've got a pretty good handle on when Gordon's cursing because he's outraged, when he's cursing because he likes you, and when he's cursing just because that's how he talks. Also, I have determined that the reason your restaurant is failing is because your owner does not command respect, your servers are inattentive, and you don't serve simple food made from fresh ingredients. And because you have dog poop on the floor. Get that cleaned up.
Okay, let's get this party started.
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 26
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 37
Contestant Quote of the Night: "Yeah, gimme the reins, man. Lemme drive this bitch!"
Los Angeles! City of green hills and ponderous voiceovers! In seasons, Gordon Ramsay yelled at a bunch of idiots. People fell down, cut themselves and cried a lot. People collapsed in ways that made other people a little suspicious. But improbable as it may seem, each season had a winner.
We join Jean-Philippe at the set -- I mean "restaurant" -- as he's reading out the names of the 16 contestants. The other hundred or so chefs in the room will be pretending to be happy for them. This year's field is said to be the strongest ever, which is no less convincing for being the thing that every reality show says about every season's cast.
Our first contestant, who bears a suspicious resemblance to Yahoo Serious (ask your parents!), is Danny (23), an executive chef from Florida. I guess in Florida, "executive" is not inconsistent with "long stringy hair and backwards baseball cap". Danny refers to himself as a God of Cooking. , Ben (26), an Executive Sous Chef from Chicago, who says he "comes off as intense", and you know what that means in a reality show contestant. (It means he is a jerk.) Colleen (41), a cooking instructor from Nebraska, is enthusiastic, even though she knows her hook is "old gal."
We see terrifying visions of the future, which include an unfortunate amount of chefs snarling at each other, the usual amount of Gordon swearing, and precisely one biplane. And this will supposedly be The Most Amazing Season of Hell's Kitchen Ever. I guess that's possible. I mean, I don't remember being all that amazed last season, so the bar's set pretty low. If something amazes me, I'll be sure to mention it.
Opening credits! Finally! It's some kind of Rube Goldberg contraption (ask your grandparents!). We start with Gordon lighting a fuse. Which lifts a dish cover to Carol. A tomato rockets across the kitchen, hitting a meat tenderizer hanging on a rope to J (that's all, just "J"). A row of plates wobbles and one rolls down a rack, lighting the oven to Colleen. A spinny thing throws a knife into the wall to Giovanni. A metal bar falls down and some utensils slide back across the kitchen to Ji. Toast pops up and flies through the air to Wil. Some cans of tomato paste (cans of tomato paste? In a Gordon Ramsay kitchen?) fire a meat cleaver into some eggs to Paula. Balls of some sort roll past Ben and Lacey. A vegetable scale sproings a rolling pin at Coi. A butane torch lights some shish kabobs to Charlie and the shish kabobs turn into rockets that stick into the wall to Andrea. Lemons are thrown at Seth, and bottles fall over to LA. A pot cover explodes, narrowly missing Robert. That's everyone. I regret my impulse to recap the credits. I hope the CGI department appreciates the attention.
In the kitchen, we've already started, I guess. They're divided into Men and Women, even though each person is doing their individual specialty. LA (22, a line cook) takes the opportunity to tell us that she's into women. Good to get that out of the way early on, I guess. Lacey (24, a corporate buffet cook) tells us that people will think she's just here because of her looks. Hmm. As a general rule, you don't want to say things like that unless you're really good-looking. Because Lacey isn't a hideous monster or anything, but it kind of seems like she thinks she's prettier than she is. Giovanni (37, an Executive Chef) says that he became a cook so he could get women into his house and get them drunk. Classy. Also, I'm not sure you really need to be a trained chef to do that.
The dishes are ready at exactly the right moment, which I only mention because I find it unlikely that all the chefs finish at the same instant. The first dish gets a "Holy [bleep]". Carol (30, sous chef) explains that it's a roulade of veal over caramelized onions. After some banter about her background, Gordon tells her that the food is delicious. Carol is delighted, interviewing that Chef Ramsay is the greatest chef in the entire world and how she wants to sing-a about the moon-a and the June-a and so on. , up "rabbit three ways" by Wil (26, quality control chef), who is openly gay. The difference between that and "regular gay" is that he's got a rainbow pin of some sort on his collar. He also has some analogy about plumbing and wiring that I don't feel like going into. Ramsay praises the flavor but hates the presentation.
Ji (33, private caterer) has a Miso-sake marinated Chilean Sea Bass and wants to cook to impress her father. Gordon says it's cooked perfectly, and I must say we're off to a better start than last year. He hasn't vomited once! Unfortunately, the voiceover guy shares my sentiments, which means we're in for something weird. And it starts with another "Holy [bleep]". Robert (29, sous chef) has provided something that Gordon calls a "camel hoop", I think. Robert, incidentally, is a large fellow. Just so you know. The dish is a potato and white truffle wrapped Chilean sea bass, which Gordon says was cooked well. But there's a disgusting sauce of which Gordon does not approve. : chicken and blackberries by Lacey. Not good enough. [How can a contestant's specialty be "not good enough"? How did she get on the damn show, then? Oh, wait -- it was her looks. Never mind. - Zach]
Danny says he's a redneck who hunts duck and gators. He's got something called "Mahi Gone Bananas", which I approve of. I think more of these dishes should have names instead of the chef just listing every ingredient they put in there. Gordon says it's hideous. Danny interviews, with refreshing directness, "Ramsay's just looking for a rise out of me, which he's eventually going to get." Sounds fair. Giovanni gets beat on for the quality of his rice, and Charlie (24, prep cook) is told his dish is a joke. LA (whose name is pronounced L.A.) has some fish and chips that are deemed "terrible".
J. (32, food court chef -- really? Food court chef? Really?) doesn't do well with whatever that stuff is. Colleen spars a bit with Ramsay about the pronunciation of her name and the propriety of her being a culinary instructor with no formal training of her own. He spits out her chicken enchilada and it doesn't look good for Colleen. Then she tightly informs him that she teaches manners, too, and he tells her to [bleep] off back in line. See, that's obscenity he just uses automatically. I don't think he means anything by it. This time. Although I don't think he cares for Colleen, either. Andrea (30, line cook) and Coi (22, cafe cook) have dishes that are "spot on" and "delicious" respectively. Paula (28, executive sous chef) also does well.
Seth (27, private party chef) has cooked lamb chops and supposedly idolizes Gordon Ramsay. Gordon spits out the ratatouille for having honey in it. He also claims that it's the worst dish he's ever tasted and gets mad when Seth laughs. But c'mon. The worst? Anyway, Ben, who says that he is a machine in the kitchen, has a good Peking Duck. Now he believes he's a force to be reckoned with. You hear that world? He is Ben; reckon with him!
Prizes: This year's winner will get $250,000 and a position as Head Chef at a new restaurant at Borgata in Atlantic City. [After this season, no one will ever eat there again. - Z] There is some bragging in interviews, and Gordon sends them off to the dorms to come up with team names. The dorms look crowded and kind of weird to me. The men riff off "blue balls", although that mostly takes the form of Ben saying a lot of phrases with "blue" in them. Colleen suggests "what about the flames of Hell. You know, something about the flames ... of Hell?" Yeah, I didn't understand it the first time, but after she elaborated on it with exactly the same words, it all became clear! Other names thrown out for the women's team include "Saffron Sistahs" and "Spice Rack."
Night becomes day, and I would like to take this opportunity to once again point out that it is a full moon, just like it always is on a reality show.
The day, everyone's prepping the kitchen and also learning the stations. Lacey asks if she can just watch all the stations the first night "because I don't have line experience." What? Are you kidding me, lady? This entire show is about line experience. If you want to show your brilliant food creation skills, Top Chef is over that way. That goes over about as well as you'd think, and before you know it, Lacey is sobbing and saying she quits because she has no idea what to do. See, I would think she could just get put on the dessert station, because everybody knows they'll never get that far into service the first night. Lacey has apparently gone back to the dorms to have a snack, and none of the women seem that concerned about losing her. LA in particular is emphatic that there's no reason to get her.
On the men's side (which is blue, thus sort of justifying all that "blue balls" talk, I guess) Seth also admits that he hasn't worked in a kitchen before. So he's wandering around asking where stuff is all the time and getting on people's nerves. And Ben doesn't seem impressed with the speed with which Ben peels baby carrots. Lacey interviews that she's not a quitter, so she goes back to work. After she finishes her cigarette, naturally.
Okay, prep's over. The women's team (in red) is called "Team Saffron", although two of the women admit to preferring "Spice Rack". The men are "The Blues Brothers". Chef Ramsay says there are too many people in the kitchen and asks for volunteers. Giovanni and Carol are assigned to be waiters, which Carol isn't thrilled about, since it will be harder to show her cooking skills that way. Well, that's true, but it also means you're probably not going home right away, either. Chef Ramsay wants Charlie to make sure his long, weird-looking goatee stays out of the food and orders him upstairs to snip it off. All I'm saying is that Charlie, who is a prep cook, looks a lot like a guy who'd be a prep cook. Anyway, Charlie interviews (with trimmed goatee) that he's not going to rise to any bait, and that's it's just hair, after all. Opening is in five minutes!
Coi and Lacey get into a bit of a fight in which Lacey refuses to help get the souffles ready because she feels that Coi has been rude. The Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter gets a bit of a workout in this scene. Lacey interviews that every time she works in a kitchen, she has to deal with "stupid bitches." Well, it looks to me like you're the one not doing your job, Lacey. I can't wait for you to tell me they're all just jealous of you and your supposed hotness.
Chef Ramsay innocently walks into the middle of the fight, where Coi is furious at Lacey for not having her station ready. Lacey snottily claims that Coi threatened her (which she sort of did, in a "if I get sent home because of you, I'm coming after you" obvious posturing kind of way), and Chef Ramsay has to talk Coi down. But I think he secretly likes the fire. I mean, it's not like he's historically been opposed to crazy people cursing up a storm in the kitchen, right?
Before we get into the preparation of food, we're going to go with the wacky music to watch the misadventures of Carol and Giovanni the Waiters. Giovanni can't explain what polenta is! Jean-Philippe gives him a pep talk while Carol brings the first order to the red team. The menu appears to include spaghetti and lobster, John Dory, scallops, and salmon. No risotto? You gotta have risotto! When Chef Ramsay calls out the order, there is no reply. Here's a tip for people who have apparently never seen the show before: Gordon Ramsay likes a loud kitchen. He likes communication. And he especially likes a nice, loud "YES, CHEF!" when he calls out the order.
Twenty minutes in, Giovanni gets his first order in. It does include risotto. And Beef Wellington, which makes me think this is just the same menu as last season. When Chef Ramsay calls out the order to the men, Robert is talking over him. This, naturally, angers Chef Ramsay, who makes Robert call out the order. Robert interviews gleefully, "Yeah, gimme the reins, man. Lemme drive this bitch!" I think I like him. At least he called out the order right!
On the red team, Lacey's scallops are waiting at the pass. They put her on scallops? That's crazy! I told you, hide her in desserts! Chef Ramsay calls her out on her raw scallops and sends her back to do it again. She interviews that there must be something wrong with the oven or something. Yes, I'm sure that is the problem. On the men's side, Ben and Robert (that's the intense guy and the fat guy, if you're having trouble keeping track of sixteen people) have undercooked their pasta. Fools!
Back to the women. Colleen has put Mascarpone cheese in the spaghetti, and is yelled at by Chef Ramsay. If you're curious, I think "mascarpone" gets pronounced three or four different ways here. And then suddenly! The lights go out! But the ovens are still going, and Chef Ramsay can still yell at Danny for his scallops. And Danny starts making excuses and talking back, which is exactly the wrong tactic. But with the lights out, Gordon sends Jean-Philippe around to apologize to all the customers, because they obviously can't cook in the dark.
Carol (remember Carol? She's been a waiter this whole time?) is giving wine out to customers on the theory that they might be happier with some free booze. I think that's a good idea. The customers seem to like it.
In the men's kitchen, Robert is talking up a storm and telling Danny to just keep his mouth shut when Gordon gets on him. Robert's right. And 20 minutes later, when the lights come up, everybody starts over. Gordon catches Colleen reusing a dirty pan, which he feels is not evidence of a good culinary instructor. On the blue side, Ben and Robert are successfully sending food out. Unfortunately, the food gets to Giovanni, who has no idea who has what. Yeah, I've had professional waiters who had no idea who was supposed to get what. Big deal.
The men move on to main course, which is Seth and Jay. They're waiting on Wil's garnish, which is burnt gnocchi. As soon as Ramsay moves on from berating Wil, Robert is right there to pep him back up and pat him on the back. I'm telling you, I think Robert shows the right spirit in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Colleen is cooking what looks like all the spaghetti in the world at once.
Seth's lamb looks awful, and Gordon berates him, calling him "Forrest" and throwing the lamb at him. Seth seems to consider the nickname a badge of honor and starts talking like Forrest Gump. That's all I need.
Gordon spits out Colleen's risotto, claiming that it's the worst risotto he's ever tasted "in my entire cooking career." I just can't imagine going on Hell's Kitchen without spending hours mastering risotto first. It's like going on The Amazing Race without knowing how to drive, or going on Survivor without knowing the phrase "I'm not here to make friends." Anyway, Colleen appears to have put sugar in the risotto thinking it was salt. LA, speaking for all of us, interviews "Are you [bleep] kidding me?"
Wil gets in trouble on the garnish station [How does one get into trouble creating garnishes? Is parsley notoriously difficult to cut into sprigs or something? - Z], and Robert steps in to help out. Unfortunately, Robert is not the kind of guy that can sneak in without being noticed, and Gordon now berates Wil for how many people have had to help him out tonight.
Three hours in, tables start to leave. Well, the customers do. The tables stay where they are. Gordon throws some plates at Robert, who I think surprises him a little by catching them. But it is time for things to be switched off and shut down.
Chef Ramsay decides to let the service decide who wins, because the teams were equally weak. Carol was a good server and Giovanni was awful, so the men are the losing team. They are told to select two individuals for elimination. Danny suggests Wil, who admits that he [bleeped] up. Seth thinks he did great, but no one's buying it. Some eyebrows are raised at Giovanni, since apparently his poor service cost them the win, but he refuses to even defend himself, saying, essentially "[bleep] off. I ain't no waiter." He's not wrong, you know? Although the women should be thanking Carol.
Down in the restaurant, Seth says that Wil is the first nominee for a poor performance on the garnish. And Seth claims not to know why he's the second nominee. Actually, he's corrected: Seth is the first nominee. Robert thinks that Seth doesn't care about the team, and is even willing to stand in Wil's place. So now I guess it's Seth and Robert. No, Seth and Wil, because Wil volunteered himself. That was an entirely unproductive "twist."
So, Seth, why should you stay? "Because I've read your books." Wil? "Tonight was me at my worst. I want a chance to change that." And the person leaving is... Wil! I thought it would be Seth, who is obviously hopeless.
Chef Ramsay gives the remaining chefs a pep talk and tells them to piss off to sleep.
week: Crates! Injuries! Thief! Shouting! "Get out!" We're guaranteed to see something we've never seen before!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our 10 Reasons We Won't Eat in Hell's Kitchen!