Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 1
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 6. Boring!
Contestant Quote of the Night: "The kings of chefs are the chefs of kings." If you say so, pal.
Last week: I went to Disneyland! You know, for the Happiest Place on Earth, there are an awful lot of really unhappy children, especially toward the end of the day. Also, they apparently air this show even when I'm not here. Who knew? Good thing Lady Lola was here! Anyway, according to the previouslies, the entire season happened. Remember that one time? Yeah, that was great. Unlike that other time, when that one guy I barely remember did something stupid. It takes awhile, and it all seems awfully familiar. Almost like I already recapped it once. Weird.
So we're down to Christina and Petrozza. We kick off with them hugging immediately after learning that they're the top two. Gordon shocks them by making giant banners fall from the ceiling. The banners have their faces with fire behind them, and it's kind of creepy-looking. Like, I didn't need to see what Petrozza's face would look like if it were in Triumph of the Will, you know?
Gordon explains that the restaurant will be split in two, and Petrozza interviews, practically in tears, that "This is a wonderful dream come true." Aww. I want to make fun of his sincerity, but it's like kicking a puppy. Go ahead, Petrozza. Go ahead with your sobbing self. Back in the dining room, Christina is excited about the prospect of meeting with designers and setting a menu. The contestants return to the dorms and both sit in the patio designing their menus. It's nice to see that they don't hate each other. The editing would have us believe that Christina is diligently working while Petrozza eats chips in a sloppy manner. The background music for Petrozza is something you'd hear in a Warner Bros. cartoon featuring a baby buzzard. He interviews that nerves and fatigue are getting in his way, and then wanders off to get some sleep. Christina works late into the night, which features, as usual, a full moon. If all the full moons on this show were legit, you'd have to assume that they tape one show every four weeks.
The morning, Petrozza works on his menu, saying "hey" to a passing bird. When Christina joins him, he claims that his menu is coming along. She immediately tops him by saying that hers is locked. Then she lights a cigarette in triumph! Well, I don't know if it was all that triumphant, but it looked pretty good.
The chefs meet individually with the designer, whose name is John. He asks Petrozza what the menu is, on the theory that the decor should reflect the food in some way. Petrozza is caught in the headlights, and starts to fumfer about how "It is relatively rich. It is sweetbreads, forest mushrooms." In her meeting, Christina has ideas: simple, but elegant. Warm colors. Rich chocolate. She hates the current kitchen's carpet and booths, which she describes as "ugly". Why would they manufacture deliberate ugliness, unless they wanted her to look ugly? I think it's a conspiracy.
We are shown contrasting shots of Christina asking for specific things and disliking flowers, and Petrozza waving his hands, speaking in generalities, and liking flowers. Flowers all over the place. The table covered in flowers. Flowers everywhere!
, Jean-Philippe trots out the wait-staff in various outfits. Christina likes none of them, and would prefer a black suit with a black T-shirt underneath. She stresses that she wants "nothing vibrant", which seems to disturb JP. Petrozza loves the idea of the wait-staff in a yellow chef's jacket because it will "bridge the gap" between the kitchen and the front of the house. Christina hates the idea extravagantly. It appears that JP likes Petrozza more than Christina now.
Now it's time to settle on the menus. Petrozza meets with Scott and starts to enthuse about how much he loves sweetbreads and Chilean sea bass. We see his notebook, and he appears to be drawing a picture of the dish he wants. It kind of looks like a frog. Christina, on the other hand, has a carefully written list of dishes. What do you call those? Oh, right: A menu. And her consultation with Gloria appears to consist of Christina telling Gloria what the menu will be. This is a different strategy from Petrozza, who is now describing how great roast duck is. Scott tries to get him back on track by asking him, "You talking about roasting a whole duck?" I hope he puts it in a pumpkin! Petrozza's answer is fairly impressionistic: "Yeah. It's like, ginger, sesame."
"Suddenly", Jean-Philippe tells Christina and Petrozza to meet Chef Ramsay in his office, urgently. He tells them that he has serious concerns, and Petrozza interviews that he must not like the menu. The menu that you just now finished making? The one he hasn't even seen yet? No, he's just screwing with them. He claims to be wondering if he's got the right finalists, and then says that he's sure he does. That was pointless. Anyway, he's going to fly them to New York to see one of his restaurants. This seems like an odd thing to do 32 hours before the Final Dinner Service that will Determine a Champion, but I guess they have to get everyone out of the set -- sorry, "dining room" -- so it can be remodeled.
The contestants arrive at a private jet, which flies them (to the sound of tinkly piano music) to New York. Everyone reminisces about times gone by. Remember Hen in a Pumpkin? Remember when Christina almost got sent home? Remember when Petrozza gave up and practically had to be dressed and carried back to the kitchen by Bobby? I do; I thought that was Bobby's finest moment on the show. Remember when Petrozza was messy? How about when Christina won nine challenges? And all those rewards? Yeah, yeah. They arrive in New York at night, where there is a full moon. At this point, I can only assume that reality show cameramen wait until there's a full moon and then get hours of B-roll, knowing that it will be used in every episode.
Christina and Petrozza look at the skyline, and their limo stops in the middle of Times Square. There are a lot of tall buildings covered in brightly lit advertisements. Ramsay says that there's a big surprise for them both, and we go to a commercial as Christina says "Oh my God." The commercial bumper shows an apple being cut in half to reveal the Hell's Kitchen Pitchfork. Because it's the "big apple", you see. When we come back, the surprise is that one of the many giant video screens reads "NYC Welcomes Christina and Petrozza Hell's Kitchen's Finalists!" That seems like the sort of thing that can cause spoilers, doesn't it? Petrozza's floored, and Ramsay tells them that they're going to spend five days at the Dubai Hilton because that's where one of Gordon's restaurants is. Okay, back in the limo!
They do not go directly to Dubai (I assume they'll be doing that after the competition), but they do go to the kitchen of "The London NYC", which is Chef Ramsay's local restaurant. The Los Angeles restaurant is going to be kind of a west coast affiliate of this one. Ramsay introduces the contestants to Josh, the Executive Chef. They get official Executive Chef jackets, and then are told to cook their signature dishes... right now!
Petrozza's signature dish is filet mignon with carmelized onion risotto. That sounds tasty, but what happened to the hen in a pumpkin? It involves green onions that are sort of peeled and turned into paintbrushes, which makes Christina believe she will wipe the floor with him. Her signature dish is a New York strip steak with sweet corn succotash. The voiceover guy adds more details, like roast fingerling potatoes. She likes her dish because it's simple and pretty, while Petrozza's (according to her) looks like slop. "I got this one in. The. Bag." she gloats. Well, we'll see. They both look like "nicely-cooked bits of meat on top of some vegetables" to me. The judges will be Chef Ramsay's five executive chefs. For some reason, I don't see any Hell's Kitchen winners up there. Weird.
First up, Mark Sargeant, from Gordon Ramsay at Claridge's in London. Petrozza explains that his balsamic vinegar reminded him of paint, so he made a paintbrush out of a green onion and some leeks. Of course he did. Mark is not crazy about the paintbrush. Christina says "we" a lot when describing her dish. Mark says it's a touch bland, but lovely. He chooses Petrozza, who's up 1-0.
, Angela Hartnett of Cielo in Boca Raton. She compliments Petrozza's dish and criticizes Christina's. 2-0 Petrozza. , Stewart Gillies of the Boxwood Cafe in London. He finds Petrozza's dish "a little one-sided" and goes with Christina. 2-1. , Simone Zanoni of Gordon Ramsay au Trianon at Versailles. He objects to risotto as part of a main dish and goes with Christina. It's all tied up and Josh Emmett of the Gordon Ramsay at the London-New York (seriously, isn't that a confusing name?) will decide the winner. He comments that Christina's garlic adds flavor to the dish, which does not strike me as earth-shattering news. Christina interviews that Josh is their (potential) future boss, which is interesting. Petrozza is worried that Christina will win again, but Josh eventually picks Petrozza as the winner. Congratulations, Petrozza.
Petrozza's reward is to pick first when they're selecting teams. And Ramsay makes a big deal out of how Petrozza will get to pick first from "all the contestants", but is he really going to want whoever it was that went out first? (It was Dominic, the stay-at-home dad) Surely they'll just pick from the last half of the season, like usual.
And suddenly Whoopi Goldberg enters the room! That's unusual. Today, I was in an arts and crafts store, and I suddenly realized I was ten feet from Rosie O'Donnell, who was doing a book signing. It's that sort of thing: an out-of-context, unexpected celebrity. Anyway, Whoopi dispenses hugs and good-lucks. And then the chefs are whisked off, and I assume an actual party happens once those guys are gone.
The chefs arrive back at Hell's Kitchen at 2:00 am and see what's been happening with the redesign. Petrozza just says "Woooow" but Christina freaks out about some white window treatments. And there are stripes. Stripes?! This is her special day, dammit! John (the designer, remember?) also has a problem with a fireplace and wants to move the dividing wall a few feet into Christina's side to make room. She doesn't like it, but accepts it. But she is willing to fight to the death about these stripes! Who authorized wallpaper with stripes? Well, according to a flashback, she did, saying, "I definitely like the stripes better." Uh oh! This flip-flopping could torpedo her chances if the design of the restaurant were going to make any difference at all to the final outcome, which of course it will not. She interviews that she hates the wallpaper and the window frames and all that. Petrozza says "Wow" a lot and Christina freaks out. "I'm freaking out" she says. She also thinks she might vomit, because she hates not having control. She has new suggestions about repainting the window frames and tries to go to sleep.
Oh, come on! There is a shot of the moon, and it's a half-moon. They're just messing with me now, right? The one time they show a moon that's not full, and it's in the same episode as two full moons? It hasn't been two weeks since they were in New York, right? This moon thing is really bothering me.
Now it's morning. There is brushing of teeth, and Petrozza and Christina are summoned to the kitchen. It's time to select their chefs. They're introduced along with more flashbacks, which I'm sick of. It's Bobby, Ben, Corey, Matt, Louross and Jen. I think the key is to avoid Matt. Everyone else can at least cook. Also, Christina should try to avoid people who actively hate her, which I think is Ben and Jen.
Petrozza goes first, taking Bobby. Christina takes Corey. Petrozza takes Ben. Christina takes Louross. Petrozza has a choice between Jen and Matt, and Christina interviews that she'd prefer Matt to Jen, since she can't stand Jen's attitude. Petrozza interviews that he doesn't really want either of them. And the answer is...it's the end of the show! Seriously, that's the cliffhanger? Which annoying person ends up dragging down which team? Yawn.
week: Petrozza vs. Christina. Someone wins! Jen supposedly interviews "My heart's really not in this", but she's in black and the two teams are red and blue, so it probably doesn't actually happen.
Read our 10 Reasons we Won't Eat in Hell's Kitchen, then see our picks for tonight's best TV in Going Through Channels!
Montykins's signature dish is deviled eggs. He used to be the top Google result for "How to make deviled eggs"! Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.