Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 16
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21
Best Party Planner Quote of the Night: "We're going to make this room sparkle-licious!"
Last week: Vanessa went home. The women won the pizza challenge, which supposedly led to dissention on the men's side (because up until then they'd worked together perfectly and had never gotten angry at each other at all!). Bobby went on about how he's an imaginary Four-Star General again, while Louross lost ground. Both services were completed, so there was no loser, although both teams had to put someone up on the chopping block The women planned to hit Rosann but then turned on Christina while Louross was the men's option. But since Vanessa had already gone home, Chef Ramsay didn't pick either of them. Well, that was productive!
In the opening credits, it's interesting to see Matt try to turn his usual sullen scowl into something approximating a smile.
As the chefs go back to the dorms, Christina and Ben congratulate Louross on sticking around. Corey interviews that she thinks Christina will be put up on the chopping block (is that the official term for that? I think I was confused because there wasn't an enormous literal chopping block for them to stand on. You know if this were a Mark Burnett operation, there would be. And Ramsay would make his decision known by burying a meat cleaver into someone's picture or something) every time from now on. On the one hand, it's good to have a plan. On the other hand, I do not approve of her smug expression.
At the smoking table, Shayne and Corey disagree on whether Christina is condescending (Shayna: "I don't feel that way." Corey: "She's a bitch.") when Christina shows up. Everyone clam up! The bitch is here! In an interview, Christina explains that she is "the total package. I look great in heels, I can read a book, and I can cook. Who knew?" That's the total package? I think I'd need to at least know which book you can read before weighing in. Are we talking about War and Peace or something from the Where's Waldo? series?
Elsewhere, at the couch, Ben an Bobby plan to put the heat on Matt. Ben does one of those aggravating interviews where he claims he and Bobby have "an alliance". Look, we're all smart people here, right? Or at least people who have watched a bunch of television? So there's no need for me to go into the speech about how "alliances" only work on Survivor and maybe people on other shows should spend less energy strategizing and more energy learning to cook risotto, right? Good. I'm glad we're all on the same page here.
Over at the ...wooden patio area? ... Matt is badmouthing Bobby to Louross. He believes that Bobby is a sloppy cook, which I guess is possible. We haven't really seen much of Bobby's cooking, have we? However, I don't think I agree with Matt's claim that "Ben and Bobby are the ones that are ruining this team," because there's plenty of ruination to go around. He also believes that "once they get rid of me and Louross, they'll turn around and stab Petrozza in the back." Okay, we can also skip the lecture about how this is a game and how people should stop being offended when they realize that other people intend to win, right? Excellent. Anyway, Matt is rambling on to Louross, complaining that they're not working as a team. Again, I think it's less "bad teamwork" and more "uncooked food" that's annoying Chef Ramsay.
The day, the contestants are outside at a Farmer's Market while Chef Ramsay goes on about how much he loves fresh food. Here's Ramsay's recommendation from every episode of Kitchen Nightmares: "Use fresh ingredients in a simple dish. Also, clean this place up a bit and maybe fire the head chef." He looooves (yes, four "o"s) the fresh ingredients. Here, he's going on about figs and porterhouse steaks. He also mentions the challenge: a Sweet Sixteen birthday party. Cooking for teenagers. Each team gets 25 minutes and a hundred bucks to come up with one appetizer and two entrees. Then, when they get back to the kitchen, they have 45 minutes to prepare. Go!
At a place that sells meat, the men throw out ideas. Sausage! Big shrimp on a skewer! Sushi pizza on a tortilla! Wait, what? Matt, what is wrong with you?
The women are throwing ideas back and forth, and I note that Corey and Christina seem perfectly able to listen to each other and build on concepts from the group. Also, they're brainstorming somewhere other than right in front of the stall they're planning on buying from, which I think looks a little more professional than forming an unruly mob right in front of the vendor.
The men are agree on one thing: ignoring Matt. As Matt repeatedly tries to point to a "little supermarket type of thing" (wouldn't a "little supermarket" just be a "market"?), the team just goes about the business of getting some hot sauce so Bobby can make hot wings. At this point, Matt is just repeating the same sentence in a monotone in hopes that someone will pay attention to him. I've seen 5-year-olds try that, and it rarely works even for them.
Then suddenly time is up! Back to the kitchen! Start cooking! Matt can't peel the sweet potatoes because he has no peeler, but Ben instructs him to just use his chef's knife. Bobby asserts that he's got the hot wings covered, and Ben makes sure that Louross is set to switch tasks with Petrozza after he's done slicing meat. Ben is acting like someone in charge here. Good for him.
On the red team, there's an amusing sequence where Corey is peeling potatoes and keeping up a running patter about how all tasks should be done in five minutes and let's go, and so on, intercut with shots of Shayna just standing there not doing anything. Then Shayna starts going. That was unproductive. Meanwhile, Ben is micromanaging Matt, insisting that he peel the asparagus a different way.
Matt interviews, with his scowliest scowl yet: "I really have no faith or confidence in any [bleep] that we're doing right now. I'm not even gonna say anything or suggest anything. I'm tired of wasting my [bleep] breath." Sheesh.
There is shouting and clapping and furious plating. Matt sulks in an interview about how he wants to quit. Everyone finishes at exactly the last second, as they always do, which makes me suspicious. Matt interviews again about how he just wants to take off his jacket (my eyes!) and quit.
Chef Ramsay asks if anyone's been at a Sweet Sixteen birthday party recently, and Matt raises his hand. I guess he might not be lying. Chef Ramsay asks him if that has an influence across the menu, and Matt straight-up tells him "No." The men are appalled at his disloyalty. At least, I think they are. Mostly they just say "Oh my god" and "[bleep]." Ramsay is thrown a bit too, because this is normally the part of the proceedings where everyone's full of misplaced confidence.
The tasting will be done by Melissa (who I assume is the birthday girl in question) and her mother. The red team's appetizer is a Tuscan shrimp scampi (called "The Super Sweet Sixteen Shrimp Scampi" because you should never ignore the power of alliteration), and it's up against Bobby's stuffed chicken wings. It turns out that Melissa has never tasted shrimp before, and Rosann is theatrically shocked in an interview. Melissa thinks the shrimp was "crunchy" and it looks to me like she may have stealthily spat it out into her napkin. She likes the look of the chicken, and declares it the winner. Matt raises his arms in triumph, which is a little bit hypocritical. 1-0 to the men.
The first entree is Jen with a Caribbean halibut in mango and avocado salsa vs. Ben and a sweet potato mash with sautéed asparagus and sautéed shrimp. Melissa's mother feels that the women's fish is a little dry and the rice is undercooked, although she likes the salsa. Melissa objects to asparagus and appears to decided to dislike shrimp, so she chooses the halibut. 1-1.
Entree 2: Corey with a grilled flank steak with homemade French fries in a pomegranate sauce vs and Petrozza with a "saucy surf and turf" in the form of a grilled filet mignon. I assume there's some "surf" in there too. Melissa doesn't like the looks of the pomegranate bits on the women's dish, and does not like the fat on the filet. The mother interferes while Melissa chooses and Melissa ends up choosing the men's dish, giving them a victory. High fives and whooping ensue. The women grouse.
The prize for the men: they get to let their hair down and become teenagers. Eh? Also, what hair? I think the longest hair on the team is on Louross. The punishment for the women is to decorate the dining room, and they must deal with a flamboyant party planner. He's dressed in an orange suit with an orange tie, leading Jen to describe him as an "orange flame". It's possible that she had two meanings in mind for "flame" there. I'm not saying she did, and I'm not saying she didn't. All I am saying is that he's acting a lot like Bronson Pinchot in Beverly Hills Cop. Seriously, he uses the word "sparkle-licious" and claims that "Tinkerbell will be jealous". The women mostly just roll their eyes and get on with their work. There's some mockery in interviews, but c'mon. Sparkle-licious?
It turns out that the men's reward is at a Go-Kart track. That's about it. Meanwhile, the Birthday Mother has shown up and is informing the Party Planner that "I want silver. Blue doesn't go. And the red doesn't go. I had a vision? And everything looks wrong." And so on. She wants to know who's in charge of the napkin rings, and Shayna (who is a caterer, and probably has experience with exactly this situation) steps in with napkin-related suggestions. Corey takes the opportunity to sneer in an interview about how maybe Shayna should go back to party planning, which doesn't sound very grateful to me. Then, back at the kitchen, she says something looks stupid and stalks off. She's not dealing well with this punishment.
Oh, there's more to the men's reward after all. They're at a restaurant that serves a "junk food platter," consisting of Rice Krispie squares, little cupcakes (decorated like Hostess cupcakes), cotton candy, Sno-balls, some milk, and a lot of other sugar-delivery systems. Gordon's with them, and he alleges that the chef is reinventing all these "American classics."
Finally, it's time for that "Hell's Kitchen Romance" the previews mentioned two weeks ago. Louross and Corey are at the dinner table, and they're wasting no time, as Corey says, "I love you" and Louross answers with "I love you, too." Huh? Louross interviews that they're like peas in a pod and that he hearts her. Corey goes over to the hot tub and does a little (very little) striptease down to her underwear and gets in. So just as I'm thinking this might be an actual thing, Corey interviews that she thinks Louross likes her and that makes him "an easy target". Man. You can't trust anyone anymore. Going into commercial, Louross appears to be joining her in the hot tub.
You know, I don't think they're outside. I think the "patio" area is indoors just like all the rest of their dorms. That's a little weird. Also weird: we come back to some Shaft guitar. And Louross is doing some sort of fake-laughing thing that appears to involve pretending he has buckteeth. Anyway, Corey interviews that she's two feet taller than him and also has a boyfriend, so nothing's happening. That was productive!
Also, it is a full moon. Again!
morning, the chefs are in the kitchens and there are gift bags on all the chairs. The chairs in the dining room, I mean. The chefs don't get gifts. Poor chefs! Bobby strolls around the blue kitchen, telling the team that "it should be no problem executing this menu tonight, guys." Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't the food already have been executed? It'll be hard to cook that filet mignon if the cow's wandering through the kitchen mooing. Anyway, the menu in question is the regular one with the three winning dishes from the challenge added. That's the regular menu that they've been mostly unable to finish service with, and a couple new things added. Sure thing, Bobby. No problem at all!
During prep, Ben sneers at the mango salsa. Ben was doing mango salsa when he was 17 years old! Don't waste Ben's time with your unoriginal salsas! Mango, indeed. Tchah! He interviews about how easy it is, and then Shayna (whose avocado-and-mango salsa it is) comes over to tell him it's all-wrong. She interviews that it's a difficult dish. Ben sneers at her tiny cubes of avocado, saying it will turn into guacamole when it's tossed. Shayna claims to toss it "very gently". Ben interviews that he does not care about the salsa. We're sure talking about salsa a lot. Corey interviews that salsa should take five minutes to make and that Shayna spent the whole morning on it. Jen is more expressive in her interview: "I'm getting kind of annoyed. I mean, it's a damn guacamole with mango in it. It's like, okay, you wanna write a recipe book about it now?" That's pretty funny. Also, I could seriously go for some salsa right now.
In the pre-service haranguing, Chef Ramsay emphasizes that even though it's a birthday party, they'll still be doing things to his standards. Then he alters the usual "Open Hell's Kitchen" to the even more ominous "Let the teenagers in." No good can come of that. And here they come! There's a red carpet with one photographer and flatscreens saying "Happy Sweet 16" and the "1" in "16" is a little pitchfork. Because of the "Hell" part. The guests come in and the men are more confident than the women. As far as we can tell. I mean, we only see some Bobby-Louross hand slapping and Corey mumbling something to Shayna.
Then Melissa is introduced by the party planner and there's a round of applause and it's kind of creepy if you ask me. The red team gets Melissa's table and Chef Ramsay demands more mushrooms. Pile them on! It's her birthday! And the men don't have enough sauce on their halibut! Bum bum bummm!
As Christina tries again with her risotto, Chef Ramsay sends it back again, this time for not having enough Parmesan. On the third try, it gets all the way to the table. And then we jump forward: forty-five minutes in, almost all the appetizers have been served. This strikes me as a huge improvement over services. Chef Ramsay heaps praise on Bobby's risotto.
The red team starts on Melissa's entrees (the beef is to be Medium Well!) and appear to get it right. The blue team has a VIP table of their own: Melissa's mother. She doesn't get to sit with her daughter? I realize the daughter probably doesn't want her mother at her table, but still. Who's paying for all this? Yes, I realize the actual answer is "Fox Broadcasting". Let's just get to the point: Melissa's mother's table's entrees are ready, except for the fish. Who's on fish? Matt is on fish! How long, Matt? No answer! Petrozza gloats in an interview, and then the food is out.
But Melissa has a problem with her food; she would like it cooked a little more. Indeed, it does not look medium well to me. By that, I mean that it looks delicious and pink inside. Melissa's crazy. On the other hand, it's her birthday party, so she should get her meat cooked however she likes. She's quite nice about it, but that's probably because she knows that Chef Ramsay will take care of the shouting. Actually, he's pretty direct about it and Rosann gets a replacement steak in the oven. Meanwhile, Melissa's mother's halibut has come back dry, which means that both kitchens have messed up and sent Chef Ramsay into one of those rages where he mostly kicks the trash can near the center of the kitchen.
At this point, the party planner hops on the microphone in hopes of distracting everyone from the ranting Scotsman in the kitchen. Where's the fun in that?
I think this is a new commercial bumper with a match burning with a pitchfork flame. I believe it's intended to evoke birthday candles, but in a way that's vague enough that they can use it in other episodes.
So right now, Rosann is responsible for Melissa's undercooked beef and Matt is responsible for the mother's overcooked fish. They each come in for some personalized shouting, and Chef Ramsay rejects Rosann's replacement beef for also being undercooked. Finally, he orders Rosann off the station and cooks the beef himself, which is something he hardly ever does. It often seems like a struggle for him not to just do the cooking himself, and when it's the actual birthday girl's entree, I guess he couldn't help himself. The steak goes out and Melissa is pleased.
On the men's side, Bobby intercepts the mother's fish and brings it back to Matt, telling him that it's raw. Interesting power move there by Bobby, I think. I guess if he was on hot appetizers, he might not have any job to do at the moment, but I thought that sort of thing was the sous chef or head chef's responsibility. So Bobby shoves Matt out of the way and takes over on fish. Matt protests, "You know, you're acting like I'm doing a bad [bleep] job over here." Bobby responds in the only logical way: "You are!" He really is.
Matt mopeterviews that Bobby was acting crazy, but it looks to me like Bobby was "cooking food", which is kind of the point of the show. I don't think it's that crazy to do whatever you can to get Matt out of the way, either.
On the women's side, Shayna is late with some garnish, leading to Corey to interview thusly: "Shayna is very slow. She's slow in prep, she's slow during service. You know, she is overweight, and she can't really move fast." Oh dear. In my experience, when skinny blondes complain about how fat people are useless, the public reaction is not pretty. Anyway, Shayna is still having trouble with garnishes.
Chef Ramsay finally notices that Matt is not working the fish station and yells at Bobby. Then he whispers in Matt's ear, "You can only hide for so long." And his expression as he walks away is pure disdain. It's like a boxer looking at an opponent he does not respect and is about to maim. Matt is dumb enough to talk back, and gets a verbal beatdown.
Two hours into the service, both teams are finishing desserts. We appear to have skipped right through a course here. Both teams have completed their dinner service! And Melissa has a special surprise outside. It had better not be a car. If it is, I hope she has one of those crazy meltdowns where it's the wrong kind of car and that means her life is ruined.
Oh, here's the customized bumper: it's a cake with a slice cut out of it. And I think the pitchfork is supposed to look like delicious raspberry filling or something, but it just looks like the cake is bleeding. I don't want my dessert to have stigmata!
Back from commercials, the surprise is not a car. Instead, it is a performance by the Pink Spiders, who we're told is Melissa's favorite band. Never heard of them. And now I kind of hate them. Their drummer appears to have crawled out from under a bridge. And why are they doing a song called "Seventeen Candles" at a Sweet Sixteen? I think this was just a ruse to get the kids out of the room.
Back inside, Chef Ramsay has comment cards from all the diners. For the men, 98 percent of the customers said they would come back. For the women... 99 percent. Nice! They celebrate. But what if that last 1 percent was Melissa the Birthday Girl? Well, Chef Ramsay says that both teams are winners, and then Matt pipes up with "Thank you, Chef, for your generosity." Matt, shut up. Or as Chef Ramsay says, "[bleep] generosity, Matt." Both teams are to select candidates. Matt says it'll be him and that he'll be going home. I think he's right.
Back in the dorms, Matt goes straight to his room to pack his bags while the rest of the men sit around and laugh at what a mope he is.
The women sit around the table and discuss things. Shayna thinks it should be Rosann. Rosann thinks it should be Shayna. Corey wants Shayna because she dislikes her in the kitchen. Christina has trouble deciding.
Down in the kitchen, the men have nominated Matt. Chef Ramsay doesn't have much of a poker face on this one: "Good choice. Considering he served dry fish to the birthday girl's mother. I can't think of anything worse, to be honest." Really? You can't think of anything? "Except maybe for sending an undercooked steak to the birthday girl herself." Ah. I see his point, but I still think there are worse things in the world. But the women nominate Shayna instead of Rosann, who they were just told to nominate. Put on the spot, Christina says that she personally would nominate Rosann. So Matt, Shayna, and Rosann all step forward.
Seriously, what is the point of the nominating process? Chef Ramsay has shown that he'll completely ignore it, and the contestants keep thinking they'll be clever and nominate someone other that who he wants up there. The whole "strategizing over who to put on the chopping block" part of the show doesn't really work for me.
Why should Shayna stay? She bangs out services and deserted her three-month-old daughter. Interesting! Rosann? She wants a better life for her daughter. What? Matt! "Chef, I should stay in Hell's Kitchen because I was pushed and bullied off my station tonight while other members of my team are hiding behind one person." Really, that's what you're going with? You should stay because you couldn't keep people from doing your job for you? Okay, this is going to get complicated:
Ramsay: "Who pushed you off your station?"
Matt: "Bobby pushed me off my station!"
Ramsay: "You hid behind Bobby!"
Matt: "Ben hides behind Bobby, not me!"
Ramsay: "He took over your section!"
Matt: "He pushed me off my station, would not let me back on!"
Ramsay: "Look at the size of you! There's 250 pounds in there! Louross's [bleep] are bigger than yours!" (with a two handed gesture to indicate the size of Louross's bleeps, which Louross seemed to enjoy)
Matt: "I don't have a voice in my kitchen. No one listens to me. I guarantee you if you put me on the red team, you'll see the failure in the blue team."
Ramsay: "You wanna cook with the girls."
Matt: "I have no shame with working with women in the kitchen, chef."
Ramsay: "Un....[bleep]...real. My decision is...."
Commercial bumper: a candle being snuffed out. I think that's supposed to be in the ominous "symbolic of death" way, with a touch of "blow out all the candles and you'll get your wish!" thrown in there.
Back from commercials, Matt is sent back to the blue team. Really? Huh. Anyway, Shayna's going home. And she gets a pretty soft send-off as Ramsay emphasizes to her that he thinks she's a good cook, just too slow. And then he calls her "my darling", which is weird. Then he harasses Rosann a bit and sends her back in line.
Oh, and Matt is indeed sent over to the red team. The women do not look happy, and who can blame them? Matt thinks he's ready to kick ass with a new team, but I think this new attitude will last about five minutes.
week: Matt shouts at Ben and the women hate Matt. Chef Ramsay shouts at various contestants and then praises "the best risotto that's ever gone out of Hell's Kitchen". Jen and Rosann are sad. And I won't believe who goes home. Really? I can believe an awful lot of things. Like, last week I believed the previews when they claimed that "a new chef joins one of the teams", and that just turned out to mean Matt changing sides. Even the "romance" preview from two weeks ago was more accurate!
Montykins came away from this episode really in the mood for some salsa. He watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.