Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 13
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 36, most of it Louross
Best Contestant Quote of the Night: "That was the most ghettoest thing ever in possibly kitchen ever!"
Last week: Pasta cranking, won by the men. The men blame Craig. Matt cooked bad burgers. Craig allegedly talked back to Chef Ramsay, but it didn't amount to much. Bobby got a little cocky. Vanessa burned her hand pretty badly. Jen cheerleaded (cheerled?) her team to victory. Ben came in for some more abuse, and Craig went home so he can wear as big a hat as he wants.
As the chefs return to the dorms, Ben claims not to understand why Chef Ramsay yelled at him, but that's not as interesting as Vanessa's hand. She'll have to see a plastic surgeon, which is pretty dramatic, although I'm pretty sure we learned it last week.
Morning! The Ominous Voiceover Dude says, "All hands are on deck. All but one." Yes, it's a "clever" reference to Vanessa's hand, which is being unbandaged and rebandaged. She interviews that she can't get her hand wet or get it near heat. That's going to make this pretty difficult to for her. I guess she also can't operate a comb, because we see somebody (I'll guess that it's Shayna, because at this point, I tend to just assume that anyone I don't recognize is Shayna) brushing her hair for her. Oh, it is Shayna! And there is some really hideous art on the walls. I also notice that the water cooler has three nozzles. That's odd. Anyway, Shayna interviews that Vanessa is frustrated. I bet she is!
The chefs file into the kitchen and Chef Ramsay exchanges some half-hearted small talk with Vanessa. Then he brags about how a chef can wildly overcharge for regular food. I mean, I'm paraphrasing a bit, but he goes on to show his white truffle pizza, which he claims to charge two hundred dollars for.
So the challenge is for each team to create a Fine Dining Pizza (each chef will create one, and then the team will select one). Jen is excited, planning to use "this crazy mind of mine." It is my opinion that Ramsay will be most interested in a simple pizza with one or two high-end ingredients. Don't overmix. Let's see if I'm right!
There's a montage of chefs listing the various ingredients available to them, ending with Bobby, who is unable to come up with the right word: "There were sea -- sea -- sea ... murchins." That's better than "sea merkins", I guess.
Vanessa can't really cook (which really seems like it's going to be a challenge) so she's taking notes and writing down everyone's pizza. Over on the men's side, each chef is in a different corner and no one is talking. Well, Matt's talking, but he's just whining a lot. Vanessa is chopping basil extremely carefully. It's good to see her managing to help out. It's also good to see basil. True fact: my family's motto is "Never too much basil." I realize it's not all that inspirational, but there you have it. At least it's helpful!
After thirty minutes, the teams have to select a nominee. The women go around and eat each other's dishes, and it turns out that Vanessa did, in fact, make a pizza. Good! I guess I was just assuming she was laying back. Her pizza is heirloom tomato, tenderloin, caramelized onions, and mozzarella cheese. That sounds okay, but kind of normal. I'm nut sure you're going to get two hundred dollars for that. "Tenderloin" doesn't have the wow factor that "white truffle" does. The women's nominee is Jen's, which has herb crust with prosciutto, and then she drizzles a balsamic glaze on it. It also appears to have sundried tomatoes and, um, some kind of cheese. Corey likes it, especially because it's simple. The women now all band together to "perfect" the pizza.
Meanwhile, as usual, the men's team has accomplished nothing. There are only two pizzas finished. Nobody likes Matt's, except for Matt. Bobby has done something with Kobe steak and shrimp with Gorgonzola. And there's a salad in the middle of the pizza. He claims it's "surf and turf". Ben thinks Louross's pizza tastes like it's from "Pizza Shack", which goes over about as well as you'd expect. It can't even be from a name-brand pizza place? It has to be some generic knockoff? Ben's has duck confit, chanterelle mushrooms, white truffles, and, if I heard the last bit correctly, a duck l'orange. They decide to go with that. Now, this whole paragraph, there have been shots of Petrozza trying to get his pizza out of the oven, and Petrozza appears to be claiming both that no one tasted his pizza and that he was completely cut out of the decision-making process. My advice: finish your pizza earlier.
The dishes are served. Jen's is called "A little bit of Italy and a little bit of France." It's as described above, except that if there's cheese, it's not mentioned. And there's fried basil as a garnish. It sounds good, but there's no expensive-sounding ingredient. Ben's has a lot more fancy elements, although it looks like I did mishear that "duck a l'Orange" part. Too bad; that would certainly be memorable.
Commercials! The customized bumper shows a slice of pizza being taken out of a box, with the Hell's Kitchen logo underneath, sort of made out of melted cheese.
Back from commercials! The men's pizza has grit in the mushrooms, which is Ben's fault. In an interview, Matt is awfully smug about "some people's cooking skills" In the kitchen, he's got a really sullen expression, but he usually looks like that, I guess. Both pizzas taste good, but the women win. Jen is enthusiastic and quotes Rush Hour in an interview. The pizza will be on the menu.
The reward is for the women to go to a restaurant in Santa Barbara that serves a ninety dollar hamburger. Ninety dollars? Are they Kobe beef? Come to think of it, I've had a Kobe beef hamburger for eight bucks at a roller derby bout, so I don't think that would quite explain the price tag. Maybe the bun is plated in gold. Rosann claims that she's always dreamed of riding in a helicopter. Really? Because helicopters are all over the place. It's not like having a lifelong dream to ride in a Zeppelin. You have to get a job with Goodyear, and even then there are apparently differences between "blimps" and "Zeppelins". I appear to have gotten somewhat distracted, and I apologize.
Chef Ramsay berates Ben for leaving dirt on the mushrooms. Ben apologizes, "I'm sorry I let you down." "You didn't let me down. You let your team down," ripostes Ramsay. Between that and the "You surprise me...with how bad you are!" exchange from last week, I'm beginning to wonder if Ben will be kept around as a straight man.
The men's punishment is to prep pizzas, and they're all miserable. They won't even look at each other. Louross is actually crying, which does not impress Ben. Matt expresses a wish to win tomorrow, and to taste blood. That might not be the best idea. He also wants to talk strategy, but the others will have none of it. Hey, here's a strategy: don't serve raw food! Once you've mastered that, try not burning the food either. I have decided I am tired of Matt.
The women take a copper to SquareOne Restaurant and Bar in Santa Barbara. Back at the kitchen, Louross is still hurt over the "Pizza Shack" reference. Ben calmly and rationally explains that "there is no room for bitches in this game right now." Strangely, this does not soothe Louross's hurt feelings. Ben does not care for a man who cries. Maybe he should spend a little time with a little album called "Free To Be You And Me". And I don't care if no one gets that joke; it's awesome, and I'm leaving it in. The men's lunch is aptly described by Bobby as "a thin-ass burger on a... bun.." Looks like McDonald's to me. Meanwhile, a ninety-dollar burger looks a lot like the one I had at the roller derby. It is Kobe beef, but it also has braised Kobe short ribs and black truffle frites. Yeah, well, the burger I had came with something called "bacon jam". So there.
The women enjoy their meal and fly back to the kitchen, where they appear to be tipsy. The day, it's time for prep. And Vanessa is having trouble, which you can understand. She goes up to Gordon's office, where he appears to be working, although I'm not sure how much time he actually spends on-site when he's not needed. Doesn't he own like fifteen world-class restaurants? Oh! I see that the Spiky Hooks of Rejected Chefs is in Gordon's office. I'd always wondered where they were; for some reason I thought they were in the hallway. Vanessa explains that the burned hand is making it hard to continue, and Ramsay tells her she can quit or not; the choice is hers. We go to commercial on the "flames in a frying pan" bumper, which I still think is a little tactless.
Back from commercial, Vanessa explains that if she can't be here 100%, she doesn't want to be here. And she leaves, which seems to disappoint Chef Ramsay. Shayna's a little sanctimonious about it ("I thought she was tougher"). In her exit interview, Vanessa says that "Hell's Kitchen is an immersion in fire," which is surprisingly literal in her case.
All the chefs are rounded up and brought out to the parking lot, where they can see a plane towing a banner offering pizza delivery. The men will be delivering pizza in a tuk-tuk, but it's not clear to whom they will be delivering, since the banner didn't have a phone number or any way to order.
As Jean-Philippe is instructed to open Hell's Kitchen, I'd like to mention that my scorecard has the contestants with 24 bleeps and Chef Ramsay with none. He always comes on strong during the dinner service, but he's starting pretty far back this time.
Jen's on hot appetizers tonight, and she is determined to impress Chef Ramsay. It appears that it's working. Meanwhile, orders are coming in for pizzas. Supposedly. Ben will be delivering the pizzas in the middle of the dinner service! At least it will keep him from messing up any of the actual cooking. Matt's on hot appetizers for the men, and his very first plate has unacceptable eggs. Chef Ramsay makes him eat one, which leads to an uncomfortable interview where Matt just kind of stares at the camera. Bobby kicks Matt off of eggs and does it himself. It's the return of the "four-star general" line, which is really starting to seem creepy to me.
The first entrees for the red team has raw beef wellington, which is Shayna's station. Corey looks for help to Chef Ramsay, but he insists on the women talking to each other to solve problems, not asking him for help.
Ben sets out on his first pizza delivery, which makes me wonder what kind of neighborhood Hell's Kitchen is in. I would have thought it would be in an industrial area, but there appear to be apartments nearby. Also, it's funny to see someone driving a tuk-tuk.
Rosann has some substandard mashed potatoes, which generates a great deal of yelling and bleeping from Chef Ramsay. He moves Jen over onto the veg station, which (we're told) fixes the problem. On the men's side, Louross has some undercooked beef, which he puts back into the pan. From across the kitchen, Chef Ramsay observes that the pan is about to flame up. And then it does! He's really got a good eye for what's happening in the kitchen, which I think is why he gets so frustrated when other people aren't up to snuff.
Louross's steaks are too seared for Scott, the men's sous chef. But there are no steaks ready to go with the visible pinkness. So Petrozza has a plan: he'll just cut the sear off, which removes a thin amount of steak but reveals the center. Louross is skeptical: "It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work." Petrozza, however, is confident: "This is our only shot that we got." Louross continues to be skeptical, but he also looks fascinated. And he certainly doesn't stop Petrozza from bringing the meat up. And Scott approves it! Louross is appalled and impressed in about equal measure. Petrozza's pretty pleased with himself, and why not?
The red kitchen is getting to desserts, which is Christina. She reports that there are four burned soufflés, putting her twenty minutes behind. She needs a hand, which she blames on Jen being swapped off desserts to appetizers. Jen is not impressed, but Corey comes over to help.
The two kitchens finish their services, and I feel like I want a chocolate soufflé myself. They look pretty good. And Chef Ramsay decides there's no losing team, which means the same thing as when there's no winning team: each team nominates one person for elimination. That's a little harsh!
Bobby and Petrozza want Matt gone, but Ben pushes for Louross. Matt joins the anti-Louross faction, unsurprisingly. The women seem to reach a consensus on Rosann, each of them adding "based on the service tonight". But then Jen and Corey switch to Christina, which Rosann is happy to get on board with. I don't really care for the way the show has suddenly turned into Survivor here. And Christina's now feeling betrayed and she can't trust anyone, blah blah blah. you know the drill.
Down in the dining room, the men nominate Louross and the women nominate Christina. Gordon asks Jen and Rosann if they stand behind that, and seems unconvinced by their protestations. Why should Louross stay? Because he did not give up. Is he the worst cook in the blue kitchen? No, Matt is. Why should Christina stay? She's detail-oriented. Is she the worst? No, Rosann is. Who's leaving? Vanessa, who already left. No further expulsions. Now piss off and get some sleep!
So what happened with that preview where Louross was getting with somebody who was probably either Corey or Christina? There was no sign of it!
week: Running. A sweet sixteen party. Dry halibut. Raw beef. Kicking. Shouting. And a new chef joins one of the teams. Really?