Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 28
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21
Best Ramsay Quote of the Night: "You can manage to [bleep] up raw food."
Last week: Chickens. Jason couldn't remember the desserts. Craig was slow. Vanessa let something catch on fire. Ben's fish was raw. Things got shut down. The choice was between Vanessa and Jason, and the Misogyny Corner came to an end. And there was much rejoicing.
As the contestants file back to the dorms, Gordon continues to heap abuse on them. Not very good abuse, though; as an example, he just sort of spits "Punk!" at Ben. Vanessa is letting it get to her and expresses her feelings in a tear-stained interview, but Ben just thinks he's being tested to see if he really wants to be a chef. Actually, I think Gordon's more interested in seeing if you're any good. Your personal desires can come up later.
Uh oh! Chef Ramsay's still got his PA system, and he continues to berate the contestants at what we're told is 12:35 AM. Back down to the kitchen, everybody! Clean it up! So I guess we're sticking with the formula of "Miscellaneous Humiliation", then "Challenge", then "Dinner Service". If I might be allowed an aside, I think it's interesting that the main skill this show tests for is "can you cook on a line while under pressure", as opposed to the Top Chef model of "what's the fanciest food you can create while under some random restriction". If I were a cynical person, I would say that's because the most Chef Ramsay expects out of the winner is someone who can show up on time and work the grill and that he's not really expecting a cuisine-creating chef. It's just a guess.
Back in the kitchen, Corey is being cranky that the other women are talking while they're supposed to be cleaning. And then she goes back upstairs while the others are still bringing out the mop bucket. See? Mopping seems more like a "rank and file" task than an "Executive Chef at a million-star restaurant" one. And Corey's action has annoyed her teammates, but the voiceover narration seems to be more optimistic, describing it as "an opportunity to win over her teammates."
Chef Ramsay asks the red team who the strongest individual is, and they vote for Jen because they don't like Corey. They're pretty open about it, too. The blue team puts Ben up in a show of seeming solidarity.
Chef Ramsay announces that "for the first time ever" (which seems a little overblown, considering that Hell's Kitchen has only served, what, 50 or so dinners if you count all the seasons?) they'll be having a special family night service with a new menu. That surprises the contestants, but it's not like they've gotten much a grip on the old menu. The new menu features pasta, which leads to an unfortunate interview by Rosann, which features "Fageddaboutit". Of course it does.
The challenge is to make some long noodles from scratch. The team that does it the best wins. Jen explains that what the women lack in physical strength, they make up for in determination. Petrozza insists that he's going to get his team pumped up. Apparently, nobody's going to try "being good at making pasta." It's all determination and grit and spunkiness. Matt's strategy is to stand with his arms outstretched, waiting for someone to drape noodles over them. Frankly, there's more shouting and clapping than really needs to be there; all they're doing is feeding some dough through a machine and cranking a handle. They could do that without all the cheerleading, couldn't they? And at one point, I swear Jen's advice is "Make pasta, ladies!" I'm not saying she's wrong, but that seems like pretty vague advice. It's more of a goal than a strategy.
At the end, Chef Ramsay is happy with the effort, and indeed Matt and Shayna are covered in pasta. The men have 1.39 pounds from Matt's left arm, and the women have 2.66 pounds from Shayna's. The rest of Matt's load is declared to be "beautiful" and brings the men to 5.48 pounds. Shayna's remaining pasta is "nice. Very nice" and brings them to 4.82 pounds, but there's still one chunk left, which means...a commercial. These masses of noodles are starting to remind me of that scene in Magical Mystery Tour where John serves spaghetti with a wheelbarrow and a shovel. Back from commercial, the women get up to 6.57. Matt looks disgusted. Jen is covered in flour. They all are, actually.
Petrozza is disgusted that the men will be doing all the prep, because "This was all about muscle and strength". I don't want to demean pasta chefs here, but is it really a job where the biggest and strongest people rise to the top? Do you see a huge muscled guy on the street and think "I bet that dude makes awesome pasta"?
The reward for the women is to go to the Santa Monica Amusement Park in a Hummer. This leads Jen to click her heels, which I wouldn't mention except that the editors gave it a "ding!" Louross and Bobby, meanwhile, place the blame squarely on Craig.
The stretch Hummer (which looks like the one that always parks in the Compact spot at my job, not that I'm bitter), takes them to Santa Monica, and they are enthusiastic. Possible too enthusiastic, because it's pretty much your basic pier-and-amusement-park deal. I'm not really an amusement park connoisseur; I doubt I could distinguish between a bad Tilt-a-Whirl and a great one. However, they seem happy, so who am I to judge? Apparently it's nice to see the outside world, although it seems like they've done that fairly frequently.
Back at the kitchen, the men are sad that they can't rest. Ben is called out by Scott (the men's sous chef) to bring in -- something. We do not know what, because it is time for commercials. The customized commercial bumper involves the game where you throw darts at balloons in hopes of winning a small stuffed animal or a mirror with the Foreigner logo.
Oh, it's a pony ride! Awesome! Except for Ben it is not so awesome, because he is shoveling shit while someone with a "Happiness Unlimited" shirt watches. The women return, and everyone reacts pretty much as you'd expect: either glee or sadness.
With an hour to go before the dinner service, the diners are outside in the parking lot. There's face-painting, a petting zoo (with some very handsome goats), a bouncy castle, and the pony rides. It sounds pretty good, actually. The women panic about learning the menu, but Jen is sanguine: "Don't get ourselves in a mad frame of bein' scared. We got this." Then she switches to an interview: "They were seriously worried about this, but...it's burgers and pasta, onion rings. If we can't do this, I don't know what the hell we can do." I agree with her; it sounds pretty straightforward. Meanwhile, the men are encouraging Craig, but with an undertone of menace. Craig interviews that he's pretty sure that cooking pasta isn't all that complicated. Yeah, we'll see.
Chef Ramsay calls everybody up to the line, instructing them that tonight will be a perfect service and that the first team to finish service will be the winner. Also he calls Craig "Egghead", which I choose to believe is a reference to the little-known Warner Brothers cartoon character who evolved into Elmer Fudd.
I like it when Chef Ramsay opens Hell's Kitchen dramatically, with an air of ritual. But I have to admit, I also enjoyed this: "Okay, J-P. C'mere, please, yes? Open [clap!] Hell's Kitchen. Now. C'mere, you. C'mere. One more thing. Yes. It's a family service. Take your tie off and relax a little bit. Open your shirt." Jean-Philippe is uncomfortable with the idea of taking his tie off, but Chef Ramsay will not be stopped. And he calls Jean-Philippe a doughnut! Poor Jean-Philippe. What did he ever do to you?
Okay, in come the customers. The menu now includes pasta (spaghetti with white sauce and clams,), barbecue chicken wings, and hamburgers with fries. The kids, some of whom have Hell's Kitchen face paint, ask incisive questions like "What kind of cookies are there?"
And we're off! The women are first, with "one onion rings, one potato skins, one chowder". Vanessa is on appetizers, and says that it will be five minutes for the potato skins. Then she starts cooking corn fritters, but for all I know that's part of the potato skin dish. The men also have a table, and engage in a lot of high-fiving.
Gordon compliments Vanessa's soup, and then tells the servers to piss off. But he's not doing it angrily; sometimes he just tells people to piss off instead of "Go." Basically, and I realize this is not a huge revelation, Gordon Ramsay has a filthy, filthy mouth.
The men's first table is not acceptable because Ben's onion ring doesn't have any seasoning on it. And Ben locks up under Chef Ramsay's fury. They do get some dishes out, but the chicken comes back raw. That's Matt's fault, and Craig's interview kind of suggests a bit of smugness about it. We are reminded of Matt's "Exotic Tartare" that made Ramsay vomit on the first day and he is deemed a [bleep] donkey. I prefer "doughnut". It's just funnier.
The red team has moved on to entrees, which means that it is time for a pan to catch fire. And it does! I think it was Shayna's, but when Vanessa moves the pan, the oil sloshes around and it catches a whole grill on fire. Festive! Oh, except that Vanessa's hand is now bright red and has skin coming off, we're told. There are calls for ice, then burn cream, then it's time for a commercial (and the bumper involves sloshing oil into a pan so it catches fire. Classy move, guys. And we come back to a big plume of fire behind the parking lot's Hell's Kitchen sign, but that happens a lot anyway).
Back from commercial, we see that the kids get to draw on the tablecloths (one has written "I want to kiss the chef" and also "Dallas Cowboys") Vanessa is whisked out to a van with her hand heavily bandaged, and zooms off to a hospital. Chef Ramsay is over there to tell them what's going on and to emphasize that they have to stay focused. It's got to help that she was on appetizers and they've moved past that already. I mean, I can still see them being freaked out, but at least they shouldn't need to rotate.
Two hours into the service (at 8:00, which I think means they started earlier than usual), the red team has twelve tickets left and the blue team has ten. Blah blah blah crabcakes. Matt's burger's are too small, because they've been on the fire too long, and Chef Ramsay is unhappy, instructing Bobby to make Matt do it right. Jen is in charge of shouting at the red team and answering Chef Ramsay's questions. There is more high-fiving, but Chef Ramsay does not approve. No jolliness! No celebrating! The other team is winning! Plus, he hates Ben! And Matt!
Now there's a montage of people shouting encouragement. Louross! Jen! Christina! Craig brings Chef Ramsay a meatball instead of a clam! Oh no! Here's the spaghetti with clam! But it's raw! Oops! How long on the replacement? Craig doesn't answer! More shouting! A minute! But the women are done! The red team wins! Jen is pleased! Too many exclamation points! New paragraph!
The women are sent over to help the blue team, who are reluctant to accept the help. Shayna says "What do you need?" and Craig says "I got it". Repeat about twenty times. Craig does not answer when Chef Ramsay wants to know how long will be, and then he kind of snaps, throwing a pan and shouting, "It's coming up right now! [bleep] question!" Jen informs him, "You got some attitude, son."
The service is over, and Chef Ramsay liked Jen the best. The men lost, and Ramsay heaps abuse on Craig, then leads Ben down the primrose path: "Ben. What you've done and your ambitions. You do seriously surprise me." Ben gets a bit puffed up: "Thank you, chef. I was hoping you'd see that. I mean, I give it all I got. Give you a hundred and ten." Chef Ramsay continues: "You surprise me to how [bleep] you are." Ben: "Oh. Thank you." Craig is gleeful that he's not the only whipping boy. Chef Ramsay continues, "I was expecting more. Hey! Maybe you shouldn't have quit your [bleep] day job so early."
Bobby is named best of the worst because he makes Ramsay feel safe in the kitchen. He will be selecting two nominees. Upstairs, Vanessa is back with some news: she has to see a plastic surgeon on Monday. Yow! And her right hand is completely bandaged and splinted. Wow, that sucks.
Meanwhile, Craig is explaining to Ben that although he, Craig, was on the pasta station, "there's nobody to blame but everybody" for the pasta problems. Interesting theory. Bobby stops by and takes Ben off for a talk, which means that Craig has an interview where he explains that he is too gosh-darn independent to have a one-on-one with Bobby. "[Bleep] everybody. I don't need anybody's [bleep]," he explains. Talking to Bobby, Ben knows that Chef Ramsay hates him and thinks he might as well go home now. Matt stops by and thinks Craig should be put up.
Downstairs, the men are lined up. Bobby has selected Craig ("He's like a broken compass in the kitchen. Whichever station he's at, he's pretty much lost." He's also like school in summertime, right?) and Matt ("He's a little nervous"). Ben is relieved not to be one of the two nominees, but Chef Ramsay wants to hear from one more person. Ben knows it's him, and steps forward to defend himself: this won't get him down and will make him work harder. Craig claims to have determination and to be embarrassed. Matt is ashamed about the raw chicken. Chef Ramsay wants to get rid of all three of them.
Ben: "I'm just gonna keep giving you a hundred percent, chef. Every day." Matt: "I'll give you a hundred twenty-five percent, chef." Craig: "...I don't know what a percentage is." That's okay, neither does Matt, apparently. "But, just...over that."
Chef Ramsay is unable to deal with this tomfoolery, and practically pinches own nose off he's so frustrated. Eventually, he sends Craig home. He shakes Craig's hand, but I don't think he means it.
Craig's dream when he came here was to get his own restaurant. That's not how it worked out. Ben and Matt are informed that they're pretty much screwed at the opportunity. Vanessa is welcomed back. Jen is told not to stop. The contestants file through the kitchen back to the dorms.
week: Louross and Christina? Did Ben call Craig a bitch? Christina says that Jen stabbed her in the back. Vanessa tries to stay without a right hand. The men have troubles. More flames! One chef does the unthinkable! Chef Ramsay slaps Jen down (figuratively)!
Monty Ashley feels vaguely guilty that he was eating cheap snack food while watching this episode. He watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at if that's your idea of a good time.