Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 39
Best Food Insult of the Night: "The crab is off! It's fucking rancid!...You'll KILL someone!"
Best Contestant Quote: "Who in the world picks food out of the trash?" -- Julia
After Rock's nomination of Josh last week, the two of them are clearly having issues with one another. They both want to be the Alpha Cook and neither thinks the other one has what it takes to lead. Personally, I like Rock a whole lot better than Josh. All around, he just seems like a better guy and the kind I want cooking my food.
After a night spent sleeping (and studying for Julia, who is determined to batter her way through the Waffle House barrier), the teams are bugled and yelled awake by the Army and Navy. While Aaron doubles over with cramps, Bonnie dances across the screen in her towel. As she puts it, "I'm in the shower, with conditioner in my hair, so I RUN through the house HALF-NAKED!" A situation, which, you know, didn't seem to bother her last week. In fact, she's got far more body parts covered with her towel than she did with her tiny panties and tank top. Maybe that's what she's complaining about -- that she was only half-naked and not three-quarters naked. Speaking of getting dressed, Aaron is in such bad shape, he actually has to be dressed by Rock and Brad. Rock states that it is essential that no one be left behind. This is why I like Rock; he has always supported and encouraged Aaron rather than tearing him down or slamming him in conchefonals. The Ailing Asian Cowboy is clearly not a threat to anyone else in the competition. He's not going to win anything except either Ramsay's sympathy or his wrath, so there's no reason to bag on the guy. Just let him play out his time and move on.
The contestants assemble in front of Ramsay and learn that "for the first time ever in Hell's Kitchen" they will be cooking breakfast. This, according to Ramsay, is because they have collectively proven to him that they can't handle dinner service. By the way, for all of Nearly Naked Bonnie's complaints that she "looked like a drowned rat," her hair looks pretty well blown out and styled here. Unless, of course, she has magic hair which flips back of its own accord. As the doors open to Hell's Kitchen, Army and Navy men march through, clapping in time. Julia is so overcome by the honor (or the hotness of men in uniform) that she cries. But it's not a loud sobbing type of Heather crying that draws rivulets of snot and phlegm, it's more of a silently letting the tears roll kind of thing. Much as you would in the last five minutes of Apollo 13 when you're waiting to hear from the module and no matter how many times you've watched the movie -- even specifically turned to it just to have a good cry -- you are firmly convinced that they might not make it home! Or, something. During this Army-Navy display, Ramsay cracks a smile while Vinnie looks bemused.
The Red Team is headed by Julia, who is clearly in her Waffle House element and is assigned to cook for the Army. The Blue Team, headed by no one in particular, cooks for the Navy. Aside from a minor screw-up from Joanna, who sent out cold and overly salted hash browns, the girls kick it hard and fast. Looking hungrily over at plates of omelets and bacon being served by the Red Team, a Navy customer cracks, "If I had known I was going to get my food quicker, I'd have joined the Army." On the other side, Aaron burns omelets and throws them away, and in general, the Blue Team just sucks. The Red Team finishes early and because she's just that much of a kick-ass, Julia is dispatched to help the pathetic boys. Who's sneering about the "freaking Waffle House" now, Tiffany? Oh right, you are. At home. Where you're watching this. At home. Not on the show. At home.
While the Red Team is awarded a Ramsay-escorted helicopter ride courtesy of the U.S. Military, the Blue Team pulls KP duty. Specifically, the storied task of peeling pounds of potatoes and oceans of onions to serve a military base. A military truck pulls up behind Hell's Kitchen and the boys watch as bags of potatoes and onions are tossed onto the ground in front of them. They get no hand trucks for this, and Scott even barks at them, "Throw them over your shoulder like a bunch of men, don't act like a bunch of girls!" Right, because if they were acting like a bunch of girls, they wouldn't be on KP duty.
During the KP duty, we finally get the promised scene of Aaron fainting and slamming backwards into a prep station. And, because this is a military-theme, we go to commercial with someone screaming, "Medic! Medic!" Aaron is zipped off to the hospital, and the boys get back to their KP duty with some minor squabbling about how to peel.
The girls and Ramsay heli over to the USS Midway, the longest serving aircraft carrier in the Navy's history. They take a tour and then have a champagne lunch with Ramsay, where, once again, he dispenses a few sentences of advice. I'm standing amazed that Melissa had the foresight to bring camouflage pants and an Army green kerchief to tie around her hair just in case an occasion such as this arose.
Later that night, the girls take a soak in the hot tub, and the boys decide they have to pick a team leader. They all nominate themselves, which would have been a hysterical dinner service had they actually carried it out, because all they could have done is order themselves around. I think I might have actually paid good money to see Ramsay's reaction to that situation. However Josh, in an attempt to get back at Rock for sending him up to be sacrificed last week, changes his mind and throws his support to Brad. As they prep for service the morning, Ramsay puts in a solicitous and kindly call to Aaron's hospital room. Ramsay tells Aaron that he has a "serious illness" and cannot return to the competition, on doctor's orders. We don't ever find out anything more about poor Aaron's health, and his jacket is impaled and his photo eighty-sixed. On the girls' side, it comes out that Julia doesn't know what crème brûlée is, an admission that throws Nearly Naked Bonnie into a flight of sanctimonious blathering.
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Service starts with Ramsay getting on Rock's back early. After yelling, "You don't toss the fucking risotto!" at Rock, Ramsay also taunts him for half-closing his eyes when he gets sweat in them. In what seems like a nasty allusion to Aaron's swoon earlier, Ramsay screams, "You feeling dizzy? Medic! Medic!" at Rock. The best part is when Ramsay leans back a bit, attempting to mime dizziness. I say "attempting" because I'm willing to bet Ramsay has never felt dizzy his entire life. As service drags on, no one seems to be able to get the baby poo-colored risotto right, and Rock starts talking about himself in the third person: "Rock knows he's the leader. The problem is that Chef Ramsay doesn't know that Rock is the real leader." Keckler starts to worry that Keckler's favorite is starting to crack up. That problem is, if he is Keckler would be sad. Oh, and just like last year's ice shortage, which sent Rachel running and falling for bags of ice, Hell's Kitchen has a water shortage this year. In the middle of service, Josh is dispatched to the delivery truck where he runs and falls for cases of water. Because god forbid the denizens of L.A. go without their Pellegrino.
Other food screw-ups during service have Nearly Naked Bonnie sending raw scallops to the pass, which upon investigation by Ramsay, have the poor guy blithering, "Who coo -- who?" He's so upset, he can't even swear. Of course, he quickly recovers and throws pieces of scallops around, cursing Nearly Naked Bonnie out. Rock's ass-kicking gets noticed by Ramsay, and he also congratulates the Blue Team for getting some orders out, adding, "Don't start wetting your pants." More drama ensues when Ramsay discovers a smelly container of crab sitting out, getting all warm and spoiled. The fault lies with Joanna, who admits that the crab didn't smell bad to her. After Ramsay screams and hollers and shoves the whiffy container of crab under everyone's noses, poor JP asks if he should recommend something else to the customers. "Yes, recommend a new restaurant!" Ramsay blusters.
It's an hour into service, and the Red Team hasn't sent out any food of any sort, but the Blue Team has served half of their appetizers to happy customers. Unfortunately, Ramsay finds a problem. Gathering the Blue Team around him with a "Hey, come here, donkeys!" Ramsay shows them all the raw egg that was about to go out to the dining room. Venting his frustration on Vinnie, the egg cooker, Ramsay slams the undercooked egg into his chest. It looks for a moment as though Vinnie is about to rumble with Ramsay, but sadly he thinks better of it and gets back to work. The Red Team is finally getting appetizers out and Jen thinks they're doing so well that she tosses what she thinks is excess cooked (but not plated) spaghetti into the trash. Another order for the spaghetti appetizer comes in and Jen panics. Pulling a George Costanza, she goes over to the garbage, PICKS OUT THE TRASHED SPAGHETTI, and washes it. In the sink. She tells us, "212° kills the bacteria." Luckily for Jen and for all the diners in Hell's Kitchen, Julia refuses to serve the washed spaghetti. All of this goes unnoticed by Ramsay. Again, I can only imagine, fantasize, DREAM what his reaction would have been. He might just have keeled right over without a word as his brain seized up trying to process a hundred and fifty different epithets and variants on "fuck."
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Both the Reds and the Blues screw up their Wellingtons, customers walk out, and Ramsay makes a painful grab for his temples and starts screaming, "Sabotage!" indiscriminately. Service is over and, since ninety-five percent of their customers were never served their mains, the Reds lose this round. Not able to pick the best of the worst, Ramsay orders them to decide amongst themselves who should go to the chopping block. The Reds discuss it, and Joanna bravely nominates herself and Jen as the worst that night. Jen, who somehow thinks dragging spaghetti out of the trash is defensible, argues that, "other people made mistakes, too." This brings the haute cuisine boom down on Julia, as Melissa, Bonnie, and Jen tell her she doesn't have enough of a fine dining background. As Melissa put it, "You don't know the product. Like, how are you going to know all the herbs, all the meat? It took me ten years to learn all these things." Really, Melissa? Ten years? Maybe you're not the one who shouldn't be given a Michelin-star restaurant because it sounds like you're a slow learner. Joanna puts it best when she snaps back, "That bitch could run a fucking Michelin-star restaurant." The "team" agrees on sending Joanna and Julia.
Back in front of Ramsay, Joanna tells him that she is the first nominee. But before we get to the rest of this, I just have to say how much I loathe Melissa's hair. If she kept it properly tied back and only wore it loose and flowing at appropriate times, I'd be admiring it. However, every freaking time there's a lineup post- or pre-service, Melissa has combed and draped her red curtains of hair all over her shoulders. It's unprofessional and all it really says is, "I don't actually care about cooking, I just want to look good in case a talent agent might want to sign me for acting or modeling. Yes, cameras, I believe I am that beautiful." I mean, really, act like a freaking chef and tie that shit up -- this is a kitchen no one cares about your Pantene dreams. Whew! Glad to finally get that out.
When Joanna tells Ramsay that "they" (meaning, not her) named the second nominee as Julia, Jen interrupts and says, "I'm the nominee, Chef." At Ramsay's prompting, Joanna explains that Melissa, Jen, and Bonnie decided on Julia, "solely based on her current knowledge of ingredients and running a fine dining restaurant." , Jen explains her trashed and washed spaghetti, which elicits a recoil from Ramsay and a smirk from Vinnie. Faced with his three choices, Ramsay decides Julia should not be one of them and sends Joanna home for the toxic crab. Ramsay sends the rest of the contestants off, ordering Jen, "And you, missy -- stay away from bins!" Hee.
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