Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 23
Best Food Insult of the Night: "Tastes like gnat's piss"
Best Contestant Quote: "I think I'll forever have nightmares about Gordon Ramsay, but yeah, he's still kinda hot." -- Bonnie
Season Three of Hell's Kitchen has a classier opening than what I recall in past years. As we pull up to Ramsay sitting in the "newly redesigned" Hell's Kitchen (which doesn't look all that different, honestly), we all get childhood flashes of Masterpiece Theatre as Mouret's "Rondeau" tootles absent-mindedly in the background. Come to think of it, the Masterpiece Theatre hosts all had culinary-sounding names. Alistair Cooke? Russell Baker? Hmm. Anyway, Ramsay calmly promises that he won't be doing the screaming and yelling and swearing of past years, and just when I'm starting to wonder why the hell I asked to weecap this show, he says, "Who am I kidding?" and I realize that all's well in hell.
Tittering and sweating, the twelve contestants arrive in Hell's Kitchen. They stand around in their finest togs -- haven't any of them watched the past two seasons and therefore know they are about to be immediately sent into the kitchen to start cooking for Chef Ramsay? -- and have a little chat with maître d'cute, Jean-Philippe. Now, either Jean-Philippe gained a bit of weight, or he's been basted in Botox, because his face looks rounder, smoother, and younger than I remember. Jean-Philippe starts to tell the nervous contestants about his past experiences with Chef Ramsay, but we only get as far as learning that they were in Dubai together (and we also don't get any explanation as to why his French accent suddenly and freakishly went Cockney at that moment), before Chef Ramsay barks at him from a balcony to cut the crap. All the contestants can do is goggle at Ramsay, glowering down in that damn short-sleeved white chef's coat that makes him look more like an angry dentist than an angry chef, so he yells at them to get their asses in the kitchen and cook up their signature dishes for him.
After some minor food flurry, we get to the presentation and tasting. As usual, Ramsay is completely unimpressed by the majority of the dishes. Josh, a junior sous chef, immediately gets on my nerves by smarmily announcing to us that "Food is sex and everybody likes food and everybody likes sex" like it's a new thought. He also serves Ramsay seared foie gras like it's a new thought, and Ramsay balks at how undercooked the dish is. So, I guess sex with Josh is like gumming raw fatty goose's liver? Tasty. We don't get to learn what's in all the dishes, but I believe there was at least one dish that Ramsay didn't even bother to taste because the potato gnocchi were frozen instead of freshly made. Melissa, a line cook and a short dead ringer for Lauren Holly, complains to us that she always gets judged by her looks as soon as she walks into a kitchen. Maybe that wouldn't be such a problem if she didn't lead with her breasts like she's lashed to the prow of a ship. Regardless, Ramsay decides that her pepper steak and roasted asparagus is the most delicious thing he's eaten that night. He also ends up liking Tiffany's "Seafood Tostada Stack" and proclaims that the seafood is cooked perfectly. Poor Aaron, though. He's a retirement-home chef and he's rather rotund and he's sweaty and he's wearing a whole cowboy getup and Ramsay calls him a "chunky monkey" and comments that he's never met an "Asian cowboy" and it's all so sad. You just know that he's this year's Dewberry. Ramsay picks over Aaron's dish and declares that the seared ahi tuna was quite good enough; however, he shoves away the dumplings served in those overused Chinese soup spoons and tells Aaron he made too much and clearly doesn't know when to stop.
The tasting over, Ramsay announces what it means to sit on the right hand of the devil in Hell's Kitchen and thus to forever serve the rich and the damned. The winner will score the head chefship at the Green Valley Ranch Resort in Las Vegas, where s/he will get a $250,000 salary and a share in the restaurant's profits. Yeah, none of this one-time-only $100,000 crap for Ramsay! Ramsay then splits the twelve contestants into two teams -- the girls (Red Team) versus the boys (Blue Team) -- and sends them off to bed.
During prep the day, both teams show signs of failure. For all their earlier proclamations that they will send all the boys home before they'll turn on each other, the girls aren't really communicating, and Aaron the Asian Cowboy can't make ice cream. Before opening the restaurant to the L.A. hordes gathering outside, Ramsay checks in with the two teams. Julia, a waffle house short-order cook, who felt ignored and sidelined during prep, tells Ramsay that she doesn't think the Red Team has their shit together. Her entire team rolls their eyes at this. , Aaron starts mysteriously crying. I say "mysteriously" because Ramsay hadn't even yelled, sworn, or thrown anything at him. And also? Aaron was all Johnson's Baby Shampoo about it because there were no tears. It was...odd.
Finally, Jean-Philippe throws open the doors and service begins. Right from the start, the girls/Red Team are screwing up as Ramsay moans that their fried quail eggs are too much like a "plastic silicone implant" and throws them out. Those damn quail eggs end up being the Red Team's downfall as four different contestants try their hand at making them. For some reason, they keep shooing Julia away from the eggs, completely ignoring the logic that if there's one thing a freakin' short-order cook at a waffle house would be really good at, it would be fried eggs. Finally, after much screaming and swearing, Ramsay assigns Julia the fried-egg appetizer and things start looking up for the girls. Of course, it took Julia crying to Ramsay about being ignored by her teammates to secure that task, which didn't endear her to the Red Team, but still, the eggs get fried and appetizers get served.
Over on the Blue Team, Vinnie, a nightclub cook, stupidly laughs after Ramsay slams his overcooked pasta. He tells us he laughed because he doesn't know what "rubbish" means. I'm laughing that someone could really be that stupid and not set themselves on fire more often. Later, Ramsay wildly clutches his head when he discovers that that Vinnie is using water instead of stock in the risotto. Vinnie tries to argues that they ran out of stock, but Ramsay, who samples the risotto water, announces that it tastes like "gnat's piss." Awesome. I mean, I didn't know gnats peed in large enough volumes to allow anyone to sample the flavor, but I defer to Ramsay. Because of the gnat's piss risotto, Vinnie is sent to wash dishes while Brad takes over his station. The boys/Blue Team continue to have problems when Ramsay sends back Aaron's overcooked chicken and admonishes him to wipe his nose because they aren't serving "chicken and snot." Predictably, it doesn't take too long before Aaron gets dizzy and tired and decides to give himself a break. Ramsay shows surprising gentleness as he coaxes a crying Aaron back into the kitchen.
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The Red Team has started to fall apart as Melissa -- put in charge by Ramsay -- annoys the girls with her bossiness. It gets worse when plates of Joanna's overcooked spaghetti are sent back. When Joanna loudly blames the rejected spaghetti on Melissa because she was interfering with Joanna's process, Ramsay asks sous chef MaryAnn if the Red Team is arguing again. They are, she confirms. The Blue Team also implodes as sous chef Scott, getting more lines than he's had in two years, screams and swears that he can't believe they've run out of Beef Wellington, chicken, and lettuce. Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for -- Ramsay has had enough and orders Jean-Philippe to "shet it down!" Poor Jean-Philippe has the unhappy task of telling the few remaining diners, some of whom have been waiting hours for their food, that the kitchen is now closed. I think the new L.A. fad diet will be structured around going to Hell's Kitchen and not eating for three hours.
With the restaurant finally emptied, Ramsay shakes his head at the two sweaty teams and informs them that they all suck. Vinnie stupidly mouths off to Ramsay, saying that if Ramsay had just told him how he wanted a dish done, he would have done it that way. Everyone else's eyes bug as Ramsay calls Vinnie a "two-faced lazy little [bleeper]." Vinnie, not learning anything, questions the use of the word "lazy," and it's only when Ramsay asks him if he needs his "[bleeping] ass wiped" that Vinnie finally clams up.
Vinnie's moronic behavior aside, the Red Team ended up sucking more than the Blue Team. Ramsay rakes the girls over the coals for all their in-team fighting and dubs them "Hell's Bitches," and, since Melissa was the "best of the worst," she gets to put two of her teammates on Ramsay's chopping block. After talking to each teammate individually and promising Tiffany that she won't be sent home, Melissa presents Ramsay with Joanna -- for overcooking the spaghetti and arguing with her, I guess? -- and Tiffany. As in, the one she promised wouldn't be sent home, but also the first one to screw up the fried quail eggs. Ramsay looks them over and decides that while Tiffany was a hard worker, she just didn't have the passion. Tiffany hands over her jacket to be impaled on her assigned meat hook and doesn't seem too upset to be the first casualty in Hell. Before sending the remaining contestants off to bed, Ramsay reminds them how much better they all need to get if any of them have any hope of winning the proffered head chefship.
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