| Season 4 | Episode 12
Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 38
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 13
Ramsay Quote of the Night: "Don't stop and look stupid like some thick cow!"
Last week: The alleged chefs taught alleged housewives to cook, and Christina won. There was a twelve-top in the service, and Jen got into a squabble with Chef Ramsay. Bobby and Petrozza got yelled at, and Christina nominated Jen and Bobby. Bobby went home and is presumably babbling war metaphors at someone right now.
So we're down to Corey, Christina, Petrozza, and Jen. Christina doesn't like the part about "...and Jen". In the dorms, Jen acts like there are no hard feelings, but she kind of comes off as patronizing. There are some interviews about how people are stepping up their game and not trusting anyone. Petrozza doesn't say a word, which makes me like him.
The morning, Gordon demonstrates that he can count as well as everyone else by informing them that they are the final four. He also says that one of them will be the executive chef in his new restaurant, so now I don't trust him about the "final four" part either. It looks like there are four of them, but how can I be sure? I'm actually more confident that none of these people will be "executive chef" than I am that Jen is going to do some post-show interviews where she shows no self-awareness at all.
The challenge is "the mother of all challenges. The toughest challenge so far. Each and every one of you will come up with a dish and cook that dish for eighty customers." Isn't that every week on Top Chef? Oh, but there's a twist. The customers are special somehow. They're finicky. Jen interviews that she hopes it will be celebrities, including Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Fifty Cent. That seems unlikely for a lot of different reasons. It would be hilarious, though, so I hope she's right. Anyway, the customers (referred to particularly vaguely as "eighty individuals", so I guess they won't be Siamese twins or anything) will vote to determine the winner of the challenge.
The chefs have one hour to cook eighty portions. And they're off! Christina is making a curried turkey sandwich with avocado and heart of palm salad. She interviews that she's worried that the customers might be children, who might not be receptive to the curry and avocado. You know who I hope it is? The crew. Those poor camerapeople and assistant directors need a break for once. Corey's making a salmon BLT sandwich (so, an SBLT) with toasted brioche and a side of vegetable chips. Gordon calls her a banana, but I think he means it affectionately. Corey interviews that it is "go" time. I only mention that because I enjoy reality show clichés.
| Season 4 | Episode 12
Petrozza's making a Monte Cristo with ham and turkey, topped off with "a spicy sauce." That's kind of vague, isn't it? He interviews about how his sandwich will have a zip. He goes into detail about the zip. He's really thought this zip thing through. Jen's making grilled grouper with rum butter sauce and mango salsa. It's described as "Calypso Grouper" in the caption, and I applaud her for being the only one not to be making a sandwich. There are thirty minutes to go and Jen comments that it's not a lot of time. It really isn't. I certainly couldn't feed eighty people on an hour's notice. It sometimes takes me that long to decide what type of canned soup to heat up. The correct answer is sometimes: "To hell with it; I'm ordering pizza".
Corey has trouble scaling her fish and knocks a zucchini on the floor. Meanwhile, Christina has made up a song about heirloom tomatoes. The words are "Heirloom tomatoes... heirloom tomatoes... whoo-hoo!" Jen finds Petrozza's sandwiches amusing, interviewing, "Petrozza's sandwiches looked like a heart attack dipped in a stroke with a side of cardiac arrest!" Yes, they do look delicious!
There is a frenzy of plating, and Corey doesn't have any food plated with 25 seconds to go. She seems to make it just in time, but is worried that she won't have enough. The mysterious eighty customers come in and they are... pregnant women! Gordon claims that they actually count as 160 customers. I note that the music is kind of slow and heavy, like you'd hear during a cartoon featuring a drunken elephant. That's a little mean.
Jen is gleeful on the theory that pregnant women will eat anything. All the food gets served, and Corey has problems when she has to go back to the kitchen to get more food. She interviews that if the customers had been men, she might have been fine. But since they were "bitchy pregnant women," she fell behind. And while Corey is in the kitchen, Christina brings a platter of her own food over to Corey's unattended line. Nicely done! Petrozza goes on about his sandwiches and their zip. Jen feels that having done a non-sandwich, she should get extra credit. Meanwhile, Corey is frantically trying to catch up.
There is eating and voting and tabulating. Corey is fourth place. Jen's third. There are only two votes separating first and second place, and the winner is Christina. She's on a pretty good roll at this point. Her reward will involve shopping in Beverly Hills, and she likes the idea. Gordon says they'll be "blowing over a thousand dollars." The punishment for the losers is to clean up the dining room, shine up the silver, and so on. I think this is more the kind of task the season's "winner" will be able to look forward to. During the cleaning, Jen comments on how much of Christina's turkey is left on the plates. She also snacks on the food, which I think is weird. Corey and Jen both think Christina is the wrong person to go shopping on Beverly Hills, since she doesn't even like clothes that much. It could have been worse. At least it's not Petrozza.
| Season 4 | Episode 12
In the back of a limo with Gordon, Christina explains that all her clothes are black and white because she knows they automatically match. But it's a high-class store with a personal shopper, so she doesn't really need to know anything. In the dining room, Jen grumps and complains, although Petrozza's sunny disposition keeps her from complaining too much. It kind of looks like Corey, Jen, and Petrozza are bonding. Or at least they aren't actively hating each other. Back in the Beverly Hills Store (Lisa Klein), we get our second look at an iconic silhouette I will refer to as "Mudflap Girl". I guess that's the store's logo. It's always a good idea to use an image that's already in the public domain. Christina Pretty-Womans her way through a clothes montage.
When Christina returns to Hell's Kitchen, Corey and Jen grit their teeth and make her show them the clothes she bought. Then they wait for her to leave and talk about how bad the clothes were. Jen believes that she would have done much better, which I think is the first time she's told us that she's better at prizes. Before, she's just been telling us how much better she is at the actual competition. Petrozza interviews that Corey and Jen were vicious, and I agree.
There's prep. Christina interviews that she "won the service...again" with a little eye-roll. It's one of those falsely humble things where she's pretending to be astonished at how great she is. When she gets down to the kitchen, no one answers her repeated requests about what needs doing. Jen interviews that now that we're in the final four, it's every person for him or her self. That would mean more if that hadn't been Jen's motto since the beginning of the competition. We don't see if anyone ever speaks to Christina, but I'm assuming they eventually do. We go to commercial on a shot of her crushing some ice.
Coming back from commercial, we get practically the same segment as we had before the commercials. It's weird. Once we get past the part about nobody talking to Christina, Petrozza interviews that teamwork is the key, all the way through the last challenge. He's got a good attitude, but have you read Gordon Ramsay's book? There's a whole section in there about how he hates messy chefs. I'm just saying. Anyway, then Corey interviews that she was just being jealous about losing the challenge, and everything is all sunshine and daffodils once more in Hell's Kitchen. Except for Jen, probably.
| Season 4 | Episode 12
Chef Ramsay lines everyone up and counts them again. Then he makes them agree that the stakes are high. His advice: "Unite as a team. Emerge as individuals." Hmm. I'm not sure if that actually means anything. Too late to worry about it: customers are here! Jen puts on some risotto and there is a lot of talking about stuff being a number of minutes to the window. Corey's scallops are nicely cooked. Jen's risotto is...stunning. Really? Stunning? See, this is the problem with having an undereducated palate. I don't think I'm physically capable of being stunned by a risotto. Although I will admit to being surprised every time a Hell's Kitchen chef cooks it wrong. It just seems like something you'd practice before coming on the show.
Twenty-five minutes in, appetizers (Corey and Jen) are doing well. But Jen's rice is mushy. Chef Ramsay shouts at her a bit and shows her how to put the butter in. She does a good job of just saying "Yes, chef" but doing it in a way that doesn't sound defeated. Remember, his major complaint about her has been that when she's criticized, she shuts down. And she doesn't appear to be doing that here, so good for her. Her replacement risotto is deemed to be "excellent", but that just results in her being accused of being lazy. Because otherwise, why wouldn't it always be excellent. That's a little harsh.
Petrozza's on meat, and Corey's on fish. The salmon is "nicely cooked", but Christina sets a pot with a hot handle on the pass and Chef Ramsay burns his hand. He lashes out at her for awhile, racking up the [bleep]s. Then he asks for garnish and Christina does it to him again! I know she's been in the lead, but how often can you burn Chef Ramsay before he starts to take it personally? After several more [bleep]s (some of which were repeats, since there was a commercial break in the middle of all this), he brings Christina over to demonstrate how hot the pan is. He pours a spoonful of water on the handle and it instantly turns to steam. Christina interviews somberly that she knows she's screwed up. Chef Ramsay accuses her of doing it on purpose and emphasizes for the second time in 10 minutes that if a handle has been over the flame, she should say something. Christina gives an interview where she just sighs. I've been there, sister.
The entrees have to start over, and Corey and Jen are about to finish off the appetizers. Jen has forgotten to cook eggs for the scallops, and she's too busy stirring risotto to do it. Christina ends up doing the eggs, but she has to do them twice. Chef Ramsay harasses everyone about needing the scallops, and it does not escape his notice that Jen is the one not being a team player.
| Season 4 | Episode 12
Back to entrees! Chef Ramsay harasses Corey about the John Dory to the point where, according to her interview, she figures she'll get yelled at no matter what, so she brings the fish up to the window even though they aren't cooked yet. It passes Chef Ramsay and goes out to the dining room. But them it comes back. Chef Ramsay: "What's the matter?" Jean-Philippe: "She would like to have it cooked, chef." Corey gets yelled at. When Corey says that the Dory is "coming now", Chef Ramsay's answer is "So is [bleep]ing Halloween."
Petrozza's station is messy, and Chef Ramsay yells at him for it. He says that Petrozza's doing a great job and the meat is excellent, but he's too messy. There is a flurry of desserts, and the service is over. After the stoves are off, Chef Ramsay dispenses high-fives and declares it their best service ever. But somebody's still going home. The team will come to a consensus on which two people to nominate. Go!
In the dorms, there is hand-wringing about which half of the four remaining contestants should go home. Jen says, "Damn. I'm actually getting a heart attack, you know what I'm saying?" At least, I think she says "heart attack." Petrozza thinks she says "heart now", which leads to this awesome interview from Petrozza:
"You cold bitch. You finally feel like you have a heart? Why, because you know that there's a good chance that your ass is going on the chopping block? That's why you feel like you have a heart? Or are you just full of [bleep]?"
No one wants to decide, so Corey suggests that they each just write two names on slips of paper. The two names are supposed to be different, but there are three votes for Christina, and neither Corey nor Christina voted for her. Corey is convinced (in an interview) that it was Jen. Anyway, the top two nominees are Jen and Christina. Jen has one of those shouty interviews about how great she is and how threatened everyone is by her. Corey, Christina, and Petrozza have further strategic discussions.
Down in the dining room, Chef Ramsay thanks the chefs for a good service. He asks Christina for the first nominee, which is Jen on the grounds of bad teamwork. The second nominee is -- oh, an ad for Kitchen Nightmares! Should I count the Gordon Ramsay bleeps that happen in the commercials for other shows? There are a lot of judgment calls in this job! -- anyway, the second nominee is Corey. Bum bum bummm!
| Season 4 | Episode 12
Why Corey? For the challenge, mostly. And because the team wants to see more out of her. Corey, why should you stay? "I didn't come back awesome, but I did come back." Also, she spends a lot of time helping other people. Jen and your smirk: why should you stay? Passion, and she wants the opportunity. Corey, what separates you from Jen? "I'm a more honest person. She's lied to us when it comes to eliminations, putting people on the chopping block. There's been a few things, Chef. And I don't think that's someone that you need --" Jen cuts her off to blather about teamwork and wanting to win.
Chef Ramsay has heard enough. "The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is...Corey. Say goodbye to Jen." No one can parse that sentence, since it could still go either way. But it's Jen who's going home. She gets a pep talk about never stopping and keeping her head high. Then she interviews about how great she is, allowing that her attitude could use work.
So, the top three is Corey, Christina, and Petrozza. Christina is glad that Jen is gone. Corey thinks she can win. Petrozza is still here. Now [bleep] off!
week:.A shocking mystery guest! High expectations! Each chef runs the kitchen. We see Petrozza shouting, but it's probably just that thing where each chef has to prove they can berate Chef Ramsay. And at the end, Christina is in tears, Corey says Christina lied, and Petrozza says Christina should go home. Man, that seems like a lot more information about the ending than they usually give out! But I won't know about it because I'll be at Disneyland instead of watching this fool show. Just watch, it'll be the one week where everyone magically looks competent.
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