Once again, my apologies for the tardiness of this recap. My excuses include my mother and her double mastectomy, Dell Computer Corporation and how they deserve to die, and a monitor screen that spent three weeks looking for all the world like an African Zebra. So it's late. So I'm sorry. So I think I need a cigarette.
So much for apologies...
As the show opens, Dave's actually doing his job. I mean, the other job he has besides screwing Hunter on a regular basis. He's wearing his "Johnny Stand-in" sign and standing to Coco's stand-in who, it must be said, looks alarmingly old, like she's a divorced mother of four who's still trying to "make it" in Hollywood and this is the only gig she could get. Kev walks up and tells Dave that he's managed to get himself posted in the tabloids. Dave reads the sleazy article out loud as we see some paparazzi photos of Hunter and Dave walking down the street; one of them has Hunter walking behind Dave and grabbing his ass. Ew. Not that I'm not a fan of that; I grab Hank4's ass constantly. I even manage to grab me a little butt at the office, if I'm quick about it. It's just this whole Hunter-and-Dave thing really ooks me out, so her grabbing his ass is rather vomit-inducing.
After reading the article, Dave looks up and says, "Ecth. How'd they even know we'd be there?" Kevin all of a sudden starts shuffling his feet and fiddling with his notebook as he says, "Uh. I dunno...uh..." Lemme guess. Kev tipped off the tabs, right? Right. Like it's not too obvious here. It's a damn good thing Kev's not an actor. He sucks donkey butt.
Hunter races in, calling out Dave's name and shouting that she's got something to show him. "I can't right now," says Dave, almost choking when he's forced to add, "Honey." Dave tells her he's working, to which Hunter responds, "Oh, please. Kevin could you just stand in for Dave for a minute." Kev agrees to stand in for the stand-in, and Dave walks off, mumbling, "I gotta get out of this thing."
He changes his tune about thirty seconds later, however. Hunter and Dave are standing to a brand-new blue Porsche convertible as Hunter hands Dave a set of keys. "You want me to wash it?" Dave confusedly asks. "No! I want you to drive it!" gushes Hunter. The hell? As one of the GP posters pointed out recently, Hunter started out this season as a self-centered, manic-depressive, emotionally barren kleptomaniac and now she's BUYING PEOPLE CARS? Talk about a rampaging character arc.
Hunter tells Dave that the car is a present for him. Dave looks at Hunter, looks at the car, looks at Hunter again, and starts to say, "Hunter, you're..." and you can only hope he's going to finish with, "...a raving lunatic with waaaaaay too much time on your hands and far too much red lipstick on. We're through. Later." Unfortunately, such is not the case. Instead he just says, "Hunter...you're...the best girlfriend ever." Hunter giggles and embraces Dave as Hank4 looks over at me and, because I know how he thinks, I tell him to give up the dream, he's never getting a Porsche, not even for Valentine's Day, because not only do I think Valentine's Day is a super-lame concept, but I also don't have a spare six figures lying around my bank account and, even though I love and adore him, the most he can expect from me, gift-wise, is probably more along the lines of a colander or a Cartman keychain.
After the credits, Schmarce is standing in front of a three-way mirror, ensconced in a huge white pear-shaped construction. I have NO IDEA what she's wearing or why. The costumer is trying to fit big feathered thingy over this pear-shaped thingy and...oh, no...there's a DUCK HEAD ON THE FLOOR. No, not a REAL duck head, a costume duck head. Coco enters, wearing something slightly less attractive than Schmarce's duck get-up: a blue satin bra that lets us all in on the secret that Coco's got the real things when it comes to boobs, blue satin granny pants, a sheer blue robe and, um, slippers. Schmarce tells Coco that she thinks this monstrosity is pretty. Coco whines, "Yeah, I'll be the prettiest prostitute in East Grosse Pointe." Ding-dong. Hello? Good evening, I'm Officer Rouge from the Fashion Police. You're under arrest for violating Fashion Rule #432: HOOKERS DON'T WEAR GRANNY PANTS. You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to wear Prada
"At least you're not a goose," moans Schmarce. A goose? That head does NOT look like a goose. And what the hell is Schmarce doing dressing up as a goose? As I ponder what kind of script could contain a storyline wherein Schmarce dons a goose suit, I suddenly realize that I've missed most of the dialogue between Schmarce and Coco. I rewind the tape, only to discover that Schmarce thinks hookers are sexy and tragic and that she wishes she could play one because nothing bad ever happens to her, and Coco consoles her by tossing out the reminder of a yeast infection that Schmarce incurred last month, and Schmarce shamefacedly corrects Coco by saying, "I meant on the show." Wow. After that "hookers are kool" comment, I kinda want to hit Schmarcy right now. Maybe I'd just tip her over and let her roll around on the floor in her duck suit while she screams and waves her arms and legs in the air. Yeah. That's the ticket.
Elsewhere on the lot, Rob's walking along with a partially eaten donut. Heh. When Hope was still on the show, I didn't notice Rob's propensity for shoving food into his mouth on a regular basis. Now it's like a running joke. Every time he's onscreen, he's got some different kind of partially-eaten food in his paw. Heh. Rob catches up with Clueless as he's exiting the soundstage and tells him that he's written this really juicy scene with Johnny's character, and he wants to do a close-up of Johnny's face while he's, gasp, crying. "Do you think you can do that?" Rob hesitatingly asks. "Dude," Johnny assures him, "I'm an actor." He walks off as Rob considers buying Clueless a dictionary, pointing out the definition of actor, and observing that, indeed, Johnny's picture appears NOWHERE ON THE PAGE.
Kev rolls up with Kristin Davis in tow. Kev introduces Kristin to Rob, and Rob practically drools all over her hand. Instead of being completely skeeved out by Rob's hyperactive idolatry, Kristin seems to dig it. Rob runs down a list of his favorite Melrose Place scenes, and Kristin kind of rolls her eyes and smiles and says, "Wow! I think you remember it better than I do!" That's because he was using it as a masturbatory visual aid, Kristin. Wake up and smell the stalker, girlfriend!
Meanwhile, in Hunter's trailer, Dave's trying to spit something out. He's basically uncomfortable with the entire situation, because he's too insecure to deal with the fact that Hunter's, like, this major actress and he's not and blah dee blah dee blah. Hunter, who spends quality time in the pretty perfect world in her head, tells Dave that if he wants her to get him a part on the show, he should just say so. Before Dave can propel himself through the nearest exit, he takes a moment and comes to the conclusion that hey, this sleeping-with-Hunter thing has benefits...
Later, in Rob's office, Rob's telling Hunter to take her "Dave on the show" idea and shove it. Or he just says, "No." Whichever floats your boat. Hunter goes to bat for Dave, though, telling Rob to just give him a couple of lines and cut Dave out in editing if he wants. Rob tells her that writing scripts is a long and arduous endeavor, and a script just doesn't appear out of thin air, the creative work of little script fairies. "Well, you know what? I wouldn't go around here bragging about how much time you spend on these scripts because guess what? They suck." Wheeee...I love it when Hunter's in bitch mode. Rob watches her leave, takes one look at his computer where the latest script is up on screen, and happily does a global search and replace, giving all of "Becky's" lines to "Kim." Nice one, Robbo.
On the set, Kristin and Coco are entering what appears to be a bordello. Coco's wearing yet another Frederick's of Hollywood nightmare. I've seen better lingerie at the Bondage Boutique, people. And yet another moving violation ticketed by the Fashion Police for the granny pants. What is UP with those? They make poor Coco's legs look like tree stumps, and she's got nice legs! Way to take a perfectly good-looking girl and pee all over her. And, um, I'm a big fan of Kristin Davis and Sex and the City but, uh, WHAT IN THE HELL IS SHE WEARING? Shimmering leopard fabric stretched over her body like Saran Wrap? Her ass looks bigger than Hunter's in this thing! I think the costume department should be arrested and thrown into solitary confinement. These fashion disasters aren't anywhere near the floopy lapel flowers and kitten-heels-with-shorts fiascos that come to us courtesy of SATC, but they're damn near it.
Someone, ostensibly the costumer (but not the REAL costumer, so I can't really get angry with her because, you know, she's just an actress PLAYING the costumer and stuff), is taking pictures of Kristin and Coco for the show log. Rob sees this and jumps into a shot, putting his arm around Kristin. Ew. One woman's ookiness is another woman's joy, I guess, because Kristin's still kind of digging it. Right.