Gotta give a shout-out to one of the dedicated Grosse Pointe posters, Alan1959. In what seems to be a never-ending series of cursed VCR episodes, I goofed it last Sunday night and neglected to tape the show. Alan managed to get me a tape within twenty-four hours of my flub and therefore made this entire recap possible. If I had an extra fifty bucks, I'd send the man some Veuve Cliquot. Okay, if I had an extra fifty bucks, I'd buy MYSELF some Veuve Cliquot. But I'd be thinking of him as I drank it.
When the show opens, Hunter and Dave are drowsing in a post-coital haze beneath black satin sheets and a brown zebra-striped comforter. The hell? What is this, a Traci Lords film? Where's the "pizza guy" and his Velcro-fastened bikini underwear? Where are the candy-stripers in platform heels? Where's the fluffer? As if the whole Hunter/Dave thing didn't gross me out already.
Hunter wakes up with a look of contentment upon her face and gazes down at Dave as he sleeps. Awwww, doesn't he just look like a wittle angel? Dave slowly wakes, and Hunter greets him. "Well," she says, smirking, "that was fun." Dave concurs. "Who'd a thought?" says Hunter. Dave starts to lean in and kiss her but Hunter stops him. "Dave," she says, "you're a really great guy and everything...not to mention a wonderful personal assistant, but, I don't think it's such a good idea for this to ever happen again." Dave, thinking he's just hit sexual paydirt, smiles and says, "Cool. Whatever." Hunter gives him what is supposed to be a goodbye kiss and leans back. Dave looks at her in "that way," and suddenly they're at it again. And Dave must move pretty goddamn fast, because by the time the camera's panned up to an overblown portrait of Hunter, she's screaming, "OH GOD!" I hope Hank4's taking notes.
On the set, Kev's calling for the second team as Dave walks up, smiling in that "I've just porked somebody" way. "Hey, bra," chortles Dave. "Guess who I was with last night?" "Yourself?" Kev shoots back. I don't think he'd be smiling that way if he was just "with himself," if you know what I mean. Dave tells Kev that he was with Hunter. Kevin is abashed at the unfeasibility of this reality. "No way," he states. "Dude," says Dave, "it's sweet. I'm doin' a TV star. Plus, I'm still on her payroll." "Dude," says Kev, "you're like a gigolo." Dave agrees, in a rather boastful manner, that he is. Kev wonders aloud if this Hunter thing will hurt Dave's chances with Marcy. But Dave's still under the impression that Marcy isn't into him. Besides, as Dave says, "It's perfect. Hunter is NOT like a regular girl. All she wants is sex." Kev warns Dave to tread very carefully with Hunter. "She's a star and you're just a civilian," he sagely counsels. "This is a classic Hollywood recipe for disaster." I'm afraid I have to agree with him. I mean, my torrid affair with Ralph Fiennes was simply RUINED due to the disparity in our lifestyles. Well, that and the whole "stalking" thing. But even the most strenuous of restraining orders can't keep us apart...Dave tells Kev to relax because he knows what he's doing, and not to tell anyone that Dave's doin' Hunter because she wants to keep it a secret. "That's the first part of this story that makes any sense," says Kevin.
When we return from the credits and commercials, Hairless, sporting a makeshift bandanna-type do-rag, is running up to Rob in a panic, asking him for advice. Rob just looks at Hairless and says, "Dammit, Quentin! Why can't you just wear a condom?" What, on his head? Will that save him from impending baldness? I really don't think that's a viable solution but, you know, whatever. Hairless starts talking about his birthday on Friday and the party that Rob's throwing for him. Hairless doesn't want any party at all and thinks they should call the whole thing off. "Oh. Well. Okay," says Rob dryly. And I do mean "dryly." I think Rob would rather have his toenails removed with pliers than throw a party for Hairless.
Later on the set, Dave's about to walk off when Hunter says, "Hey Dave! Don't go too far! I'll definitely be needing my granola when this scene is over." Dave tells her there's granola in her trailer. Hunter, who is clearly in no need of a high-energy snack, drives her point home using transparent code words and salacious hand gestures. It's very easy to interpret if you just replace "granola" with "sex." "No," she says. "I mean, my other GRANOLA. My special GRANOLA. The kind that relaxes me. It's been a very stressful morning and I'm sure I'll be needing my GRANOLA as soon as this scene is over. In fact, I might even need two servings. So, try not have any on your own." Dave, who clued in about, well, EIGHT HOURS AGO, just looks at Hunter like she's a freakshow. Hairless pipes up and says, "Mmmm. You're making it sound so good, I'd like some a dat GRANOLA myself." Brainless, not wanting to be the odd man out, says, "Dude. Go get me some of that special GRANOLA too." Dave, seriously grossed out at this point, says, "No way, man."
Schmarce and Coco exit a trailer as Schmarce states that she has to get a personal life, because everybody else on the show is having a personal relationship except her. Coco wants to know who's having a relationship. Schmarce answers with a non-covering, "No one." Coco tells Schmarce that they should go out and see Joan Osborne in concert that night. Um, has Joan Osborne even released a new single lately, let alone a new album? I haven't listened to popular radio since about 1998, but I think Coco can get those tickets for cheap. Schmarce tells Coco that she can't go out, because she promised her mom she'd make an appearance at the Shalom House telethon. Coco asks what the Shalom House is. "It's like the Elks Club," says Schmarce, "but for Jews." A trigger must have clicked inside Coco's skull because she says, "Are you...JEWISH?" "You didn't know?" asks Schmarce. "No," says Coco Clueless. "I didn't grow up with many Jews. None, come to think of it. But we did have a deli." Wow. Coco's both stupid AND ignorant? That hardly seems fair. There are millions of other small-town blonde stereotypes out there; does Coco really have to tremble beneath the burden of being one of them? Poor Coco.
Later that night, Marcy's doing her thing at the Shalom House telethon. There's not much to tell about this scene. It's pretty much there just to set up that Schmarce is at the telethon, she's doing her part for Judaism, and, most importantly, she's managed to make it off the damn soundstage for once. So, you just know she's going to meet somebody. I mean, somebody OTHER than Dave, Johnny, Quentin, Courtney, or Hunter.
Somewhere on the soundstage, Quentin's all up in arms because Rob didn't answer any of his calls last night. "Oh, sorry," says Rob, obviously NOT sorry. "I would have if I'd known it was you." "You gotta get caller ID, man," says Hairless. "Get with it!" "Yeah," says Rob, "I really...do..." As Rob makes a mental note to change his home phone number, Hairless tells him that the birthday party is back on because he just can't live a lie anymore, that he's just gotta be who he is. "I gotta stand up in front of the crew, the other actors and God and say, 'I'm Quentin King and I'm twenty-eight years old!" "Okay," Rob says, praying to Mother Mary that Hairless doesn't burst into song. "All right," says Q under his breath, "I'm thirty. I'm thirty. There. I said it." "Thirty," says Rob. "You're really sure you're THAT old?" This gives Hairless pause. "Lemme give it some more thought and I'll get back to you tomorrow," he says, running off to see if there are any existing copies of his birth certificate lying around that he can have destroyed.
Later, Hunter's lounging around her trailer, still sporting the silly schoolgirl outfit, but with the unwelcome addition of some really heinous furry slippers. Dave enters with her dry cleaning and tells her not get pissed because her cashmere sweater wasn't ready yet. Hunter innocently asks why she'd get mad about a sweater. Dave then tells her that he washed the car and filled up the tank. Wow. That must be the cleanest damn car in Hollywood. The last time Davey washed that thing, it took him about fifty hours. I wonder if it's like infants. You know, you're supposed to feed them, like, every two hours, but it takes, like, two hours to feed them, so it's sort of like you're constantly feeding them and it winds up taking about three days just to get them to eat, like, one jar of pureed cauliflower. I'd better hope and pray I never have kids. They'd probably wind up with a jar of applesauce permanently belted to their maws just so I don't have to keep shoving a spoon in their mouths.
Dave informs Hunter that her cabinets are just chock-full of ginseng tea as well, and it's clear that he wants to leave. Hunter steps forward with a little bag and tells him she went shopping too. She bought Dave a shiny blue shirt. "Wow," says Dave. "Hunter, this is really nice." Hunter minces up to him. "Aren't you gonna kiss me?" she asks. "You told me not to jump you every time we're in your trailer," Dave says. "Don't quote me back to myself," she says. "Just...come here..." And the Barracuda attacks once again.
After the commercial, we're on a classroom set, and Dave's in position as stand-in. The director calls for the first team, and Brainless enters. "Cool shirt," he tells Dave. "D'you get that outta my closet?" Dave says that it's his, and that his mom gave it to him. Hairless passes by. "FYI," he says to Dave, "a shirt like that would make someone a very nice birthday present. Extra large." Marcy enters with Coco, and she's going off about how Eli took her to dinner at the Ivy and how they went back to his place and how he's such a gentleman that he didn't even ask her to spend the night even though she kinda sorta wanted to. Man. I'm glad Schmarce is gettin' some non-Grosse Pointe-related romance, but SHUT UP ALREADY. You'd think the girl had never been on a normal fucking date before!
The scene starts, and Brad's in front of the classroom. "As you all know, Mrs. Thiele's husband left her yesterday for another man," says Brad. "Was he cute?" quips Kim. Okay. Funny, but, you know, whatever. Brad goes on to say that in her absence, he's been asked to introduce one of his favorite books, Moby Dick. "The book starts with one of the most unforgettable lines in English literature," says Brad. "'Call me. Ishmael!'" Laughter on the set ensues. The director cuts. Coco tells him that he's not leaving a message on an answering machine, that the character is telling the reader that "Ishmael" is his name. Coco's taking over Hunter's role as diva-bitch, and Brainless ain't likin' it. He wants to know what her problem is. "Had you even heard of the book Moby Dick before today?" Coco snides. "I really don't like what you're trying to insinuate about my intelligence," says Brainless. "If anybody's a Moby Dick, it's you." Ignoring that lame insult, can I just say something here? He knows the word "insinuate" but not the word "reassess"? Right. And, as Alan1959 mentioned on the boards, don't they have table reads and rehearsals on these shows? Don't you think that maybe they would have caught these little errors of Johnny's before, say, THE ACTUAL TAPING?
Anyway, they start to shoot again as Schmarce sneakily pulls a Star of David necklace from beneath her turtleneck. When she says her "Was he cute?" line again, Rob catches a glimpse of the necklace and goes ballistic, bringing the shooting to a halt so he can go over and talk to Schmarce. "Uh, I don't get it," he says. "Is it a fashion statement?" "No," says Schmarce, "it's a religious statement. In fact, I was thinking that Kim could go back and have her bas mitzvah because she never had one." "Yeah," says Rob, looking at Schmarce like she's mental. "There's a reason for that. SHE'S NOT JEWISH." "Well, why can't she be Jewish?" asks Marcy. "That's how I've been playing her."
And here, Rob takes it very slowly, because obviously Marcy's had a lobotomy recently and has lost the capacity for thought. "Her name is Peterson," he says softly. "She sang in a church choir last year when Brad got hit by lightning. She dropped down to her knees and prayed. To JESUS." "Okay," says Schmarce, "maybe she could find out she's adopted."
Outside her trailer, Dave runs into Kev. "It's over," says Dave happily. "What happened?" asks Kev. "I just told her all the stuff a regular girl would love to hear, and she dumped me!" Dave says. "So," says Kev, "did you at least get some break-up GRANOLA?" "Dude," says Dave, "I don't want to talk in code anymore." "Uh, okay," says Kev, changing tack. "So, did you at least get to nail her one last time?" Join me in my new mantra, people: More Kev! More Kev! More Kev! Wheeee.
Later that night, Schmarce and Eli are hanging out in Eli's car, going on about how comfortable they are with each other and how they love each other's Judaism and blather blather blather -- let's just get to the sex we know is coming, shall we? Cut to the interior of Schmarce's house as Eli and Schmarce are gettin' it on. They're ripping each other's clothes off and stumbling toward the bed. Schmarce kills the lights, and we hear the sound of a zipper being pulled. Fast worker, that Schmarcy. She's groaning, and we assume she's "laying hands" on Eli's "lobster of luv."
Suddenly, Schmarce shrieks, "My God! You're not Jewish!" She throws on the lights as Eli jumps out of bed, pulling up his pants. He sputters that he wasn't born Jewish, but that he's planning to convert and the truth is, he's just one snip away. Ew. Marcy wants to know why someone would lie about something like that. Eli claims that you get much further in this business if your name is "Eli Goldberg" than if it's "Mario Garbini." Really? Does anyone else in Hollywood know this? Isn't that kind of narrow-minded? Oh, and, I dunno, RACIST? Right, like the Jews run Hollywood and the banks. Right. That is so, um, 1940s! Where'd this guy grow up, in a bomb shelter? Marcy tells him to leave, because, "Eli or Mario or whatever your name is, honesty is a lot more important to me than religion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash my hands." And burn your sheets and underwear while you're at it, girlfriend. That's what I'd do if I had a lying, ignorant dickwad in my bed.
That same night, Brainless enters Quentin's non-thirtieth birthday party. Hairless grabs him in a bear hug and asks him to make a birthday toast. Johnny doesn't know what he'd say. "Something sweet," says Hairless. "Dude," says Brainless, "you're making me uncomfortable." Heh. Brainless approaches the bar and runs into Coco and her Chardonnay. "Hey!" she shouts. "Did you hear from Ishmael?" Johnny's had enough. "You gotta stop teasing me like that!" he demands. "Just because I never went to college, doesn't mean I'm stupid." College has nothing to do with it, Brainless. "You're right," says Coco. "Lemme 'recess' my opinion." God, who knew she could be such a viper? "Why're you being so rude to me?" asks Brainless. "I have feelings too, ya know." Coco relents. "Tell you what," she says. "I'll stop treating you like you're stupid, if you stop treating me like a sex object." They agree. Coco walks off with her wine as Brainless proves he's about as deep as a teacup by watching her ass as it wiggles away.
Dave's over by the entrance as Schmarce enters, sans Eli. Dave notices and asks where he is. Schmarce says it didn't work out, and Dave asks what happened. "Let's just say...he wasn't everything he was...cut out to be," she says. Yuck. Dave intones that this is indeed a "bummer." Marcy responds, "Someday I'd like to meet someone that's totally honest and straightforward." Dave agrees. Schmarce then tells Dave not to let Hunter take advantage of him. "There are so many really good people out there," she says, "and you deserve to be with someone who totally values you." Dave is obviously not over Schmarce, because this comment puts stars in his eyes. Hunter arrives and promptly knocks said stars to the ground. "Dave!" she sings. "Where were you? I thought we were coming here together?" "We were?" asks Dave, surprised. Hunter grabs him and pulls him aside. "I couldn't stop thinking about what you said," she whispers. "What?" says Dave. "What'd I say?" Before Hunter can tell him, she nabs a red wine from a passing waiter and raises it high. "I'd like to make a toast," she yells. Everyone stands up. "To Quentin King. May this year bring him the kind of love in his life that...I have found in mine." Then she lays a long, deep one on Dave, who thinks that he may have just tumbled into an alternate universe. Everyone looks on, stunned. Hunter pulls back and whispers, "Aren't you gonna say something?" Dave, wondering where the exit door is, says, "I think I've said enough for one day." And how, bra.
week: Another rerun. Which means I don't have another chance to screw up another taping of another show. Lucky me.