Callie and Arizona still have a storyline that focuses on their moving in together -- this week it's that they want Owen and Cristina to move out and don't feel like they are taking steps towards this fast enough. Meredith is the one who has to point out to Callie that Cristina can't even sleep if Owen is gone (she goes to Meredith's and crawls into bed with her... and Derek... so that she can finally get some sleep) so Callie then thinks they are monsters for wishing the couple out. It turns out, however, that all she and Arizona needed to do all along was come home and start ripping each other's clothes off right in front of Owen and Cristina before moving into the bedroom for drunken sex, and that gets the newlyweds thinking about their own place right quick.
Cristina is still doing terribly -- during a meeting the attendings all argue about what might be best for her, and most of them think she needs to be moved to administration or something similar for a while. Derek, though, stands up for her on account of her saving his life and puts her on his service, figuring administration is the last thing that would be good for her. It doesn't do a ton of good, though, because Cristina is flippant and sullen and can't bring herself to even answer questions about how they might treat a patient, much less actually help with anything in surgery. Derek finally talks to her and tells her that she's got the most potential of almost anyone he's ever seen, but she finally admits that she doesn't even remember his surgery, except for bits that sneak up on her like in the OR last week, and that she just wants to be left alone. He decides to take a step back, and instead helps her through reenacting his surgery on a corpse, but it obviously doesn't do what Derek wishes it would, as she admits to Owen later that she might be happy being a plumber instead.
Derek has quite a day overall -- in addition to the difficult task of trying to help Cristina, his little sister Amy shows up at the hospital because he's been ignoring her calls ever since he was shot. She brings him a "gift" in the form of a guy with a brain tumor, and he figures out that she met the guy while having a mile-high tryst on the way to Seattle. Amy is also a neurosurgeon, but she seems like a loose cannon and Derek wants nothing to do with her, so he tries to keep her out of the OR and away from him, though fairly unsuccessfully. Mere doesn't get why he seems to hate her until he explains that Amy totaled his car while high on drugs that she obtained by stealing his prescription pad. It turns out that she's always acted out due to her own trauma of being there with Derek when their father was shot and killed, and that all she's really ever wanted to do is actually talk about it with him. When he finally opens up about it, they have a Moment and seem to get back on the right track with each other.
Lexie, Bailey and Mark get a patient whose entire body is covered in warts -- to the extent that his hands look like grotesque gray-green claws and his face looks like he's wearing a fright mask. Lexie flips out when she first sees him and so Bailey makes her work closely on him all day as penance. Lexie feels a little bit better, though, when a spider crawls out of one of the growths during surgery and Bailey starts dancing around and screaming like a little girl, proving that everyone has something about which they can't always stay totally cool. Lexie also still thinks that Mark thinks she is a freak, but in a drunken moment April finally tells her that Mark clearly is still in love with her. Lexie looks rather pleased with this idea, but when she goes to find him, he's about to embark on a couple of quality hours in the on-call room with none other than Amy.
And finally, everyone faces up to some hard truths that they'd all rather not talk about, for instance: April is a virgin, Alex is afraid of the elevator, and Teddy has a pattern of only picking unavailable men. While the Chief helps Alex by riding in the elevator with him until he is bored rather than scared, April and Teddy are still on their own for now.
Meredith and Derek are asleep when there is a knock at the door, and it takes a while for Mere to wake up and realize what's going on. Cristina has shown up like the ghost of trauma present and says that Owen is at work before reconsidering and apologizing for being there. Mere of course tells her to come in, and Cristina only hesitates over the weirdness of Derek being in bed too for a moment. He's dead asleep and so has no idea that she has crawled into bed on the other side of his wife. As they drift off, Mere VOs, "Most surgeons grow up being freaks. While other kids played outside, we holed up in our rooms -- memorizing the periodic table, huddling for hours over our junior microscopes, dissecting our first frogs." The morning, Derek rolls over and takes his wife's hand, but after a moment realizes that he's already curled up to his wife, and that the hand in fact belongs to Cristina. Thoroughly weirded out, he just rolls back over to his safe side of the bed.
Later that morning, the attendings are all gathered for a meeting with Perkins, whose time of sitting in the conference room and looking either "serene" or "serene with a cocked eyebrow" is coming to a close. He says that the few docs not cleared yet for surgery will be handed over to Dr. Amy, who will take care of clearing them herself. I am quite excited at the idea we'll get to see her again on the show -- she's always one of my favorites. Derek asks about Cristina and Richard jumps in lest we think that Perkins can actually speak complex sentences. Seriously, I was excited for another hot doctor but he just basically nodded with the same facial expression, asked a couple of questions, and dated Teddy for his entire three episode arc. Richard explains that Perkins thought Cristina should be assigned to something "low stress," such as administration. Derek's pretty aghast at the idea and instead demands to have her put on his service, pointing out that if she moves to admin she'll just leave the program forever. Various doctors throw out various opinions on the matter until Perkins reminds everyone that she "crawled under a table in the OR two weeks ago." I would argue that that wording implies that she meant to do what she did out of cowardice, and I'm surprised he didn't say something like, "Had a severe PTSD episode" instead, as she didn't crawl so much as she collapsed. Regardless, Derek finally shuts up the arguing by announcing dramatically, "She goes, I go."
Outside in the hallway, Meredith is watching all this with a furrowed brow and tells Cristina she thinks they are arguing about her, saying more to herself than her friend that they can't kick her out of the program for being traumatized. Cristina is just lounging against a wall and says she doesn't care what happens. Neither girl is happy, though, when Derek comes out and tells them that Cristina is on his service that day -- Mere because she just got bumped, and Cristina because she doesn't actually want to do anything.
A young woman comes in looking for Derek, and when she says she has no appointment but asks to be shown where his office is, the nurse she's talking to is left open-mouthed with no good response. Mark speaks up that the last time someone came in without an appointment looking for Derek, Derek got shot. (Him and nearly 20 other people, but who's counting?) She squeals and hugs him; it turns out this is Derek's younger sister Amy, who seems quite sure of herself when she tells Mark that it's okay to say she's hot, since he is. Mark's choking on the word because he still sees her as 12 years old, but he's clearly thinking it. (After this episode, the first moment of Private Practice that taped before my DVR cut it off and IMDB both taught me that she is currently in Los Angeles and working with Addison.) She tells Mark she came to town because since getting shot Derek won't return any of her calls, so she brought him a gift! With a flourish, she turns and shows a pretty hot, Sam-Worthington-esque dude standing off to the side. Mere VOs, "Imagine how surprised and relieved we were when we grew up and found out there were others out there just as freaky as we were: same microscopes, same dead frogs, same inexplicable urge to take human beings apart." Mark asks, "You brought him Brett Favre?" Yes! That's totally it -- this guy looks like Brett and Sam's love child. Amy just laughs and says no, she brought him a brain tumor.
Arizona and Callie are taking a break so that Callie can moan about how movers are coming in two weeks, and she wants Cristina and Owen out of the apartment when she moves in. Callie points out that she can't very well talk to Cristina about it given her mental state, but Arizona is pretty adamant. I want them to move in together just so we don't have to watch any more of this crap. Give Arizona a sick kid to deal with, people! Teddy has been making coffee this whole time and they ask her if she'll say something to Owen, but they realize she's actually really upset and so the subject changes off of the move for a few blessed moments. It turns out that Perkins is leaving, and while she knew it was supposed to just be a fling, Teddy went and got attached. Callie is sympathetic and reminds her she was supposed to be all cool and G.I. Jane about it, and Teddy cries that she knows, but instead of G.I. Jane she became Attachment Barbie. Arizona gets up and gives her a hug but since she's now being written as selfish and tunnel-visioned, she jokes that what would make her feel better is telling Owen to get off his butt and, "Get his traumatized wife out of our apartment." She manages to get a laugh out of Teddy, which is good, but I don't think she's actually joking all that much.
Cristina and Mere are trailing after Derek, Mere arguing that she is a better doctor than Cristina so should be the one on Derek's service. The fact that Cristina agrees with her is a sign of just how bad her mental state is right now. Derek just kind of ignores them until he gets a page, and when he sees his sister waiting for him he lets out a displeased groan. Mere is just surprised to learn there's yet another sister she hasn't met and Derek halfheartedly introduces them, though Amy corrects that her name is Amelia and Derek is the only one who can call her Amy. I had figured she was about 24 years old or so, but it turns out she's a neurosurgeon too so obviously she's got a few more years than that under her belt. She introduces her gift, Todd (though she calls him Tom) and it comes out that they just met on the plane. So he's more of a last-minute gift, then. Derek realizes that they totally hooked up on the plane and tries to stalk off, but Amy just points out that he is still a dude with a brain tumor. Derek isn't interested in getting involved and says Cristina will find them a doctor, so Mere runs after him and points out that he could at least take his sister for a coffee. Derek has absolutely no interest, much to Mere's surprise, but he seems to at least decide to take Todd as a patient and he has Cristina do the workup.
Richard seems to have an easier time treating actual patients while also being Chief, and he helps wheel a guy into the elevator. Alex is working with him but hangs back, and then makes an excuse to run off and get some lab results even though Richard yells after him that this is a higher priority. Mere offers to help but Richard orders her to the OR instead to help out April, who pops up just as the elevator doors close. April can't believe that Derek took Cristina to help him that day and stupidly starts to babble about what a mess she is, noting that she saw Cristina that morning, and did she spend the night? Wait, does this mean April lives in the house now? Honestly, don't Derek and Meredith want to live alone at some point? This isn't even the same as Mere's friends living in the house, this is just a new employee (who, by the way, presumably already lived in Seattle since Mercy West was also in the city). There isn't an explanation about the living situation; Mere just glares at April and warns her that she doesn't talk about Cristina and April should mind her own business. April's nose is bent out of shape and she promises to try and not be concerned about others' well-being in the future.
Meanwhile, Lexie and Jackson are with Bailey and find a woman in the ambulance bay, yelling at her husband to get out of the car. He's got a hood up so we can't see his face and just yells back that he refuses, and they keep locking and unlocking the car doors. Bailey finally goes to talk to the guy, Jerry, through the window and tells him calmly that if he lets her see what's wrong she might be able to help. He asks her if she can help with "these" and obviously thinks her answer is no, but she tells him without changing her facial expression that she can, though he has to get out of the car first. Bailey opens the door and he starts to crawl out, and we see that his hands look like giant, greenish-black monster claws, which takes Lexie so by surprise that she freaks out and yells, "Oh my!" before slapping her hand over her mouth. Bailey glares daggers at her and she apologizes, but the damage is done, and Jerry comments on how sweet people can be. His entire face is also covered with warts in the same green-black hue. No one in the crowd is happy, and Lexie can still barely look at him.
Once inside Lexie is begging forgiveness from Bailey, who just tells her that after she apologizes, she has to stay with Jerry all day, even during lunch. Lexie tries to crack that she doesn't think she'll want lunch but Bailey is way too pissed to even respond to this weak attempt at humor, and just has Lexie go get Mark for a consult.
April and Mere meet a patient, Gretchen, who is there with her fiancé Danny; she's having chest pains and is short of breath. As April and Mere discuss something Mere quietly and to the side apologizes for snapping at April and says that she just doesn't like to talk about Cristina. Wait, is she actually having this conversation aside from a patient so that they don't hear all sorts of the docs' dirty laundry? Madness! Gretchen is panicked about it possibly being cancer, though admits it could also be anxiety with their wedding two weeks away. April tells them that they will do a chest x-ray, and then asks an innocent question about if she might be pregnant. After a denial and some giggling and furtive looks between the two, Gretchen admits that she's a virgin who has been waiting for her wedding night. She's convinced the doctors now think that she's a freak but the girls both assure her that they don't think that, and April's eyes shine in a way that tell me that this is clearly something she takes to heart, most likely because she's a virgin herself. She gazes at them as they gaze at each other; Danny clearly adores her and April obviously thinks this is great, especially given that she hasn't, er, given it up yet.
After Lexie tells Mark that Bailey needs the consult, she walks away, but keeps turning around and looking back at him because he can't take his eyes off of her. Callie tells him to turn around and when he claims he can't (with Lexie looking more and more freaked out as she walks away) she grabs his chin and physically turns him away. She reminds him that Lexie unequivocally told him to leave her alone, and when Mark hopefully asks if maybe she just needs more time, Callie gives him a Look until he promises to try looking away.
As Derek, Cristina and Amy wait for Todd's scans to show up on the screen, Amy asks Derek if it hurt to get shot. Derek can't believe this question and I have to say I'd probably have his same reaction, even though I am loathe to admit any similarities between me and him. Cristina is relieved when the images pop up, sparing her sitting in the middle of this sibling spat any longer. Once they can see the tumor Derek asks her the best approach to take it out, but she just petulantly says she doesn't know. Amy is pretty impatient with all this, especially when he asks another question that she can't and/or won't answer, but Derek just tells Cristina to book an OR and cuts off her offer to have Amy help with the surgery instead. Once she's gone, Amy blows up at Derek, not believing that he'd let what she sees as a hopeless resident scrub in. She asks, why doesn't he just shoot the guy? Girlfriend, seriously? Derek snaps at her never to mention shooting in this hospital, don't criticize his surgeons, and just leave her patient and go home. Her face falls quickly from "smartass" to "chastised" as he storms out. That said, even after only knowing her for a few moments she's obviously not just going to leave.
When Mark goes to talk to Jerry about his warts, he fortunately manages to keep his eyes off of Lexie and on his patient. He explains that Jerry has a strain of HPV that causes the warts, and has a very rare case where some sort of immune deficiency has caused them to grow out of control. His wife, Tess, explains that they went to a dermatologist four years earlier, who took them off, but they just grew back, and it's all too much for Jerry, who is totally defeated and says that they might as well just go home since this will never stop. Mark counters, however, that if he does nothing that they will keep growing and he'll eventually be completely disabled, so he needs the surgery. Jerry just spits that then he'll look like Frankenstein instead. Bailey explains that the surgery is needed to cut off the individual blood supply to each of the warts, but Mark tells him that they will also do some skin grafts with his remaining good skin, which will help. He admits that they will recur but that they can then repeat the process. Jerry just argues to Tess that this means they can't really help, but Tess is fed up, and asks if a couple of years with her is really a waste of time to him? They just sit at home and never go out in public, and she wants to just have dinner or see a movie around other people. Bailey tries to give them time to discuss it but Tess won't do it and puts her foot down -- either he has the surgery or she is going to leave. She adds as a reminder to him and so we all know too that his friends and his brothers have all finally given up on him, so she is all he has left.
Mere is putting something on the surgical board when Amy bounces in and asks that her name be put on Derek's surgery since she found the patient and the hospital gave her privileges that day. She juts out her chest as if to show off her navy scrubs, but it also kind of seems like a move she's used to making a lot just anyway. Mere writes her name in, but when Derek walks up and sees it he declares that she won't do to Todd what she did to Derek's mustang and he erases it. Amy storms off -- they are certainly doing a very good job illustrating a tense sibling relationship and how it can immediately reduce the participants to a level of immaturity to match their ages when they started fighting -- and Mere finally asks him what the big deal is, totally confused by his level of animosity. When she admits to totaling her mom's car, Derek asks if she was high on pain pills that she had gotten by stealing her mother's prescription pad at the time of the accident. Meredith is aghast, and Derek goes on to say that she then overdosed and was dead for three minutes until he brought her back. He can't stand that she did this to their mother after she already lost their father, and declares that that is why he doesn't trust her in the OR. Well... fair enough.
Cristina is pacing in the on-call room when a worried Owen runs in, responding to her page. She's agitated much more than is warranted and gripes that she needs to get away from Derek for even ten minutes, and Owen tries to gently tell her that he's trying to help. She climbs into bed and pulls the sheet back up to her neck in self-protection and tells him to make Derek stop. Owen just calmly lies down to her, and after a few moments she asks him quietly if he'd love her if she wasn't a surgeon. He thinks for a few moments himself and tells her he'd love her if she was a plumber, but would she love herself? She's not sure. But the conversation has given her enough strength to admit to him that she can't sleep when he's gone, and he tells her absolutely that he will be there, then. Satisfied, she takes his hand and curls up in a ball to him.
As if he's in his very own Michelob Ultra commercial, trying to reach a sexy girl with whom to share a refreshing post-workout light beer on the roof, Alex runs up the stairs and passes a rather confused Richard.
Callie, still too scared to either talk to Cristina or to tell Arizona to back off, seeks out Mere to see if she'll talk to Cristina about getting her own place. She explains that they want to do it but just haven't actually gotten around to doing it yet, which at least makes me downgrade her from "complete jerk" to "mild chickenshit." Mere just stares at her while Callie continues that if she were to ask herself, she's a bitch, but if Mere asks, it's a best friend, "Asking about a healthy step in her married life!" It has to sound lame even to her own ears, and Mere immediately lays into her that Cristina can't operate and went and slept with Meredith because she can't sleep when Owen is gone, so does she really want to do that? Mere stalks off, and when Arizona bounds up to find out if they talked about Cristina, Callie nods and tells Arizona that they are monsters. Seriously, girls, you both are two smart and usually very empathetic people -- you know that this isn't the time to be harping on her moving out immediately. But that's not as fun to watch, right?
In the OR, Teddy, April and Meredith are working on Gretchen, and Teddy marvels at the idea of a 27-year-old virgin. April immediately stands up for her patient, defending that she was just waiting for the right person, and that it's sweet and idealistic. Teddy's too wrapped up in her own drama to pick up on the fairly obvious twinge of desperation in April's defense, and just declares that it's smart, because then you don't get too attached. She then starts to rant about getting attached even when you pick someone specifically because you're sure you wouldn't get attached. Mere doesn't seem to pick up on April's tone but she certainly picks up on Teddy's and raises an eyebrow. They all come back to the job at hand when they find a mass in Gretchen's lung and pull out...
A condom. Of course this information has spread like wildfire, and the residents are all walking down the hall together and laughing about it, especially Alex, and Mere adds with some pity in her voice that Gretchen's fiancé thinks she is a virgin. Jackson then darts ahead of them and leads them to a window so that they can all get a look at Jerry, as well as at a nearly-retching Lexie who is tending to his wounds. Everyone gets a good laugh, and I'm again struck by how unprofessional these guys can be given that they are staring through a total two-way window and Jerry could catch them at any moment. Meredith actually wishes she was in there helping out because it's such a rare case, which brings it back around to the virginity issue as Alex jokes it's as rare as a 27-year-old virgin. April quickly squeaks that it's not impossible.
Owen and Derek are walking along and Owen points out that his wife is sleeping in Derek's bed, but Derek quickly clarifies that she is sleeping with Meredith, and he's over on the other side. Owen's a bit weirded out by it but Derek likens it to E.T. -- that Elliott and E.T. had this disturbing bond where E.T. would feel anything that happened to Elliott, and that is like Cristina and Mere. They, on the other hand, are like the government officials in the hazmat suits, who are trying to steer them in the right direction, "But in the end, we just don't understand." I think it's funny that at different times each of these men seems to have a better understanding than the other of the ties that bind Mere and Cristina, and today is Derek's day. Owen asks if he is okay with that and Derek just tells him about his hobbies -- fishing, building a house, golf -- and that those help. As Owen contemplates the idea of taking up a sport, Derek tells him sincerely that he's looking out for her, and Owen thanks him.
The residents, meanwhile, are heavily into their favorite topic: sex. They go around the room and share stories of their first times -- Alex was deflowered at 15 by his school nurse in the back of a car (which she then taught him to drive a year later), Mere lost it as a sophomore to a guy who had no idea what he was doing, Jackson started with two girls at once at his junior prom and cockily declares that he knew exactly what he was doing. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, my friend. The other girls seem to be thinking the same thing I am. Cristina waited until she was 19 and responds to the jeers by saying she was focused on her studies, but lost it to her short chemistry T.A., who seems to have had some skillz of his own. April tries to slink away but they call after her and don't let it rest when she claims it's a private memory. Finally, she spits out that it was on the beach at sunset, and it was beautiful. Ah, the beach. One of those things that sounds so good in theory, if you don't think about the millions of harsh little grains of sand that can sneak into every crevice. Everyone is skeptical and Cristina brings up the sand, and finally Alex puts two and two together and guesses that April is a virgin. She adamantly denies it but everyone is in an uproar, sure Alex is right. Mere quietly laughs to herself but eventually comes to April's defense, saying the beach at sunset sounds really nice, and effectively shuts up the others for the time being.
Derek is scrubbing in for surgery when Amy walks up, and he announces that she can go watch the surgery from the gallery. She's ticked off and tells him that while he can pretend they aren't related, they are, and something bad happened. Derek just rolls his eyes and asks what she wants, and she claims that this isn't about him; that she's now had two men in her family get shot, and one died. This is the last straw for Derek, who can't believe she's dragging their dad's death into this, but when he yells at her she yells back about how he refuses to talk to her about either of those shootings. He isn't swayed, and tells her to go home before heading into the OR. She follows him in and claims he needs help, but he says he has an "exceedingly capable resident." Unfortunately Cristina walks in and calls through the glass that she's sorry she's late, but there was a long line at the cafeteria, with a tone that clearly implies she'd rather still be in that line than here. Derek finally grudgingly tells Amy she can stay.
Jackson, Lexie, Bailey and Mark are all working on Jerry, and Bailey is systematically cutting off what they are calling "horns" on his hands. She explains to Jackson what's going on, and when she removes a piece she hands it to Lexie to dispose of it. Lexie obviously wants to vomit into her surgical mask and Jackson offers to do it, but Bailey is unrelenting and tells him that Lexie is fine. She then sees that Mark is once again staring at her, which isn't adding to her level of general discomfort in this surgery. He tries to look away, but as soon as her head is turned he's staring again.
Mere and April go to Gretchen's room to discuss her surgery, but when they ask Danny for a moment alone with her, she grabs his hand and insists that they can say anything in front of him. When has that line ever not led to trouble? But Mere closes the door, and April proceeds to stammer and stumble over the few words she can successfully get out. Finally, Mere steps up and calmly says that the blockage they found was a condom. Danny is aghast as Mere explains that she must have inhaled it, and Gretchen is positively mortified, but in a way that says she seems to know how this could be possible. Danny drops her hand as Mere tries to present the silver lining -- now that it's removed, she should feel better -- but he's understandably focusing on the fact that he's convinced she's not actually a virgin, and that he waited for two years while she had sex with someone else. April stutters that plenty of people use condoms for other activities but Danny growls that they don't, and storms out as Gretchen cries after him.
Derek is doing Todd's surgery and narrating to Cristina what he is doing as he goes. But when he asks her if she can see something she's doing, she just sulks, "Not really." He doesn't bite, and instead just irrigates the field more so that she can see, and she has to grudgingly go along with it. But then alarms beep and he realizes he's got to crack Todd's skull. When he asks Cristina to pack the guy's nose (where they had been going in for the tumor before the alarms) she panics -- not like she did the week before, but she still tries rather desperately to give Amy the job and when Derek presses her, she finally yells at him to please stop, and he do it. Amy shoves her aside and takes over while Cristina stares at the floor.
Richard, who just so coincidentally seems to be hanging out by the elevators a lot today, runs into Alex as he comes from the stairwell, breathing heavy and his scrubs stained with sweat. Alex lamely tries to claim that it's good exercise but Richard points out that he stinks, and instead of helping with a surgery Alex is instead ordered to take a shower.
Jerry's surgery is still plodding along, and Mark realizes that he doesn't have enough good skin to do any sort of graft. Jackson realizes that with all of these open wounds he really will look like Frankenstein as he feared. Bailey glares at him for once again showing how any sensitivity training they had last year has worn completely off, and he at least has the grace to look ashamed. Lexie offers brightly to go update Tess on what is happening but it's a transparent attempt to get away from the surgery for a little while and Bailey won't fall for it. Instead, she just crunches off yet another horn from one hand.
Mere and April are still in Gretchen's room when Danny comes in, demanding his mother's engagement ring back. Gretchen, crying, pleads with him not to do this, while April has regained her power of coherent speech and tells him that Gretchen didn't cheat. Mere agrees, but he's wary, so April goes on to explain that at her bachelorette party, they had a woman there demonstrating various toys and whatnot, and that at one point... here April dissolves into stuttering and lame hand gestures, so Mere has to once again pick up the thread and says that she was putting a condom on a banana with her mouth and then accidentally inhaled it. Danny's eyebrows just raise, not sure of what to make of the story, but Gretchen admits through her tears that she thought she swallowed it, and he starts to laugh. She's even more mortified but he is obviously relieved, having realized quickly that everyone is sincere and besides, this has to fall into the Too Crazy To Be Made Up category. Gretchen doesn't feel better, though, because she's convinced she has no idea what she's doing and is going to blow their wedding night. (I know, I know, I couldn't resist.) But Danny grabs her in a hug and assures her that he'll love her wedding night no matter what because he loves her, and April watches them with a quivery little smile.
Back in the OR with the Shepherd family reunion, Amy pulls the tumor out of Todd's brain, and a relieved Cristina pipes up and asks desperately if she can leave. Her tone is more that of someone who has just spent hours on the rack than that of a surgeon who has just observed a procedure. After she runs out Amy starts to insult her, calling her a "dud" and asking Derek how she made it through her internship. Derek clearly doesn't want to get into it and will only say that she wasn't ready and he pushed her, but as Amy continues the bashing Derek informs her that Cristina saved his life, and he owes her everything. He then orders Amy out, and she quietly and quickly leaves.
Lexie has still not gotten control of her gag reflex, and looks sick as she takes another horn from Bailey and adds it to the pile sitting on a scale. Jackson notes that it is up to 12 pounds; "Ebay, here I come!" Lexie starts giggling nervously and can't stop even though Bailey berates them, reminding them that they are doctors who have to be able to handle anything the human body can throw at them. She then snaps off another horn, but gets an absolutely revolting surprise as a ginormous spider crawls out from where he's been living within Jerry's horns, and Bailey loses the plot. She shrieks and dances around while screaming for someone to kill it, and after Lexie knocks it to the floor and smooshes it with her toe, Bailey just wraps her arms around herself and takes some shaky, deep breaths, trying to calm down. No stones thrown here, as I'm the girl who made my friend drive over one night to kill a spider that was on my bedroom ceiling. What?
Cristina has reached a new low, one where she plays solitaire alone in the locker room; that's where she is when Derek finds her and sits down across from her. She seems a tad ashamed but not enough to stop playing cards, and Derek doesn't look mad, just sad. He tells her that he wouldn't have picked her to be a part of his personal life but that now she is family, and he is worried about her. She glances up at him semi-contemptuously, as she doesn't take worry well on a good day, and then goes back to her cards until he knocks his hand on the table to get her attention. He growls at her that she's flaming out, and that she has the most potential of almost any resident he's ever seen, and he's speaking as someone who cares about her when he tells her it's not okay. She listens to everything and then admits to him matter-of-factly that she can barely remember the surgery in which she removed the bullet from his chest, and what she can remember comes back at very inconvenient times, so that's that. She then storms out, while Derek has a Think about it all.
Richard once again catches Alex on the stairs but this time calls after him, and doesn't beat around the bush as he reminds him that he laid in a pool of his own blood and almost died in one of those elevators, which is why he now takes the stairs. But, he informs Alex, one day he'll have a critical patient and won't be able to do that. Alex is not a fan of this conversation and sulks like a champ, but he also doesn't say anything or run away. Richard walks Alex to the elevators and says that they are going to take the elevator together right now, and stay on it until Alex is bored rather than scared. He walks in while Alex hesitates, and though he tries to look tough it's obvious how hard it is for him to finally take those steps inside. Man, remember when everything important on this show used to happen in the elevator? At least that has died down, or Alex would be getting a fraction of the ass he gets from showing off his "war wound." Because even though that bullet is gone, you know he's going to milk that scar for all it's worth.
As Jerry sleeps post-surgery, Mark explains to Tess what happened, and how as of right now there isn't enough good skin from which to do grafts. She's not thrilled to learn that it's going to be at least another six months to a year that he's going to look like a "freak." Mark obviously thinks she's being a bit harsh and says it will be better than he did look, but he'll have a lot of scarring. But she's not worried about seeing that herself -- rather, she knows that he will still want to only stay inside and not see people, and she also knows that he's not going to be patient about waiting and then going through with the step. She finally admits to Mark that she hasn't touched her husband in four years, because he won't let her. It's heartbreaking how much pain she is in from that, and how much she hates admitting that she has to live her life while he only wants to be a hermit. She's clutching her cardigan to her neck like Cristina and her various blankets, and there's the exact same sense of desperation coming as she asks Mark if he thinks that even when two people love each other, maybe that love isn't enough? Ah, Mark, once again, is learning an important lesson about love from a patient. No wonder he then also has Callie approve his every move -- he's taken so much time hearing other people's thoughts on the matter that I don't think he's ever just made a decision purely for himself and what he personally thinks is best.
Even though she stormed away, Derek obviously found Cristina and he takes her in to where a cadaver is laid out for surgery and asks where she made the incision for his own surgery. She doesn't know, and adds that she's not making that up -- she truly has no recollection. Fortunately, Derek isn't shy and he has the evidence right there in his chest, so he unbuttons his shirt long enough to show her. She's incredibly apprehensive, and when he hands out the scalpel she doesn't take it and says this is stupid. Derek makes a lame joke -- what's the worst that can happen? She kills him? -- and Cristina finds her old personality enough to mock him for a second, but she just stares at the scalpel for a long time before she can finally force her arm to move and take it from him. Derek shows her where to make the cut, and she hovers over the body for a long while before she can actually do it, looking all the while like she's going to vomit. But Derek just tells her that was good, and asks her what was . She thinks and then pulls up something that I think is a bone saw, and he watches her face as she sets the thing whirring and brings it over to continue the procedure.
That evening, Derek is leaning up against his car in a pouty, male-model sort of way when Amy walks out and sulks that she's leaving. With no preamble, he begins to tell her what happened when their dad was shot -- she and Derek were playing down behind the counter when the men came in, and the kids didn't pay any attention until their dad yelled. The men already had pulled a gun and taken the money when they told him to give up his watch, but as we know it was the watch his wife, their mother, had given him and he refused. Derek looks sad but proud at that particular memory, and then continues that when the men fired their shots, Amy lunged for her dad, and she continues that she remembers wanting to get to him but she couldn't move. Derek explains that's because he was holding her back with his hand clamped over her mouth so she wouldn't scream. Since then, all he wanted was for her to stay little, safe, and quiet but now she's not any of those things. He lets out what I feel is such a TV line: "You're loud and fearless and it scares the crap out of me." As I don't watch Private Practice I don't really care much about Amy and this hour hasn't really done much to make me care. But I guess her work is done if Derek opens up some about... his shooting? His life? He clichés some more, asking how could he have called her and told her he was shot? He can't tell her about his pain, because he doesn't want her to know pain exists. Actually, earlier I think you didn't want to call her because you held a fairly legitimate grudge about crap she pulled when she was acting out, but fine, let's now go with you being a protective older brother. He pulls her close, and the two have a Moment.
Arizona, Callie, Bailey and Teddy are having a drinking party in the lounge with a bottle of brandy that Bailey keeps stashed in her locker. She needs it because of the spider, and defends to the others that she has an actual phobia. Teddy pours herself a very generous coffee cup full before Bailey realizes and gets the bottle back before it is all gone. Arizona gripes about how they are going to live in a frat house forever. Honey... you contributed to that by being one of the four people that spend most of their time there, and just because you made a big step doesn't mean that the others all of a sudden need to want exactly the same thing as you, especially when one has severe PTSD. Ugh. I actually do understand her wanting to have the place to just her and Callie, and I think it would be good for Cristina and Owen to have their own space to start their marriage, I do. But I keep coming back to the whole "severely traumatized" part, and the fact that Arizona is a doctor and usually a sympathetic and kind person, so this whole situation just winds up being annoying and makes me want to shake Arizona to get her to calm down for a moment. Please, PLEASE give these two a better storyline soon! Phew! Off my soapbox now. Callie says they aren't the frat house -- that's Meredith's house -- but theirs is the off-campus apartment where people go to buy pot. Teddy has spent the whole conversation staring into her brandy and Bailey gently asks if she told Perkins goodbye, but Teddy admits she's just been avoiding him. On cue, then, he opens the door, and the other girls hustle out with the excuse that they are off to buy Bailey a real drink.
He sits down to Teddy and asks her to dinner, but she admits she thought they'd just do a peck on the cheek and a wave to keep it simple. He sits down to her as he notes how totally dissatisfying that sounds, and she admits through her tears that she likes him more than she wanted to and despite knowing the situation when they got involved, and then she moans that she doesn't know what her problem is. He does, and it's not because he's a psychiatrist so much as he's an adult who has two eyes -- he points out gently to her that she falls for men who aren't actually available. (See: himself and Owen.) She starts to cry and he pulls her to him and tells her she's making terrible choices and deserves better. Amen.
Mere starts to wrap us up for the week: "Nobody chooses to be a freak. Most people don't even realize they're a freak until it's way too late to change it." Alex, though, is changing it -- he and Richard are still in the elevator and when the doors open, they exchange a look and Richard pushes a button to keep them riding. Alex doesn't yet look bored, but he does look more at peace than we've seen him this season.
Mark is in the ICU and watches through the window as Tess kisses Jerry's scarred face as he sleeps, then is overcome by emotion, grabs her bag and leaves. Mark furrows his brow in sad contemplation.
It's one of those nights where everyone ends up at the bar, and Meredith, April, Jackson and Alex are in a booth, where the guys are trying to get April to admit she's a virgin and are teasing the hell out of her about it. Meredith is pretty drunk, though it appears she's on some vodka drink rather than tequila, so she's a happy drunk even as she wonders where Cristina could be. Lexie plops down beside her to announce that only one person looked at her funny all day (I presume she means Mark) and that Bailey screamed "like a little bitch baby" over the spider, so she considers this a good day. They all prattle on and Lexie is filled in about the April/potential virgin situation, until April has had enough and snaps. She announces that yes, she's a virgin, but she doesn't talk about it and that they all have things they don't talk about. She then goes around the table to point these out to everyone: She has totally noticed Alex's elevator phobia, but didn't say anything because it wasn't her business. Jackson apparently wakes up screaming from nightmares each night, which is more interesting because that seem to imply that he now ALSO lives at Casa Meredith. Seriously, is there a housing shortage in Seattle? This has just gotten weird. April then informs Meredith that the reason she doesn't talk about Cristina is because she's terrified Cristina will never be the same, and then she turns to Lexie and informs her that duh, Mark doesn't think she's crazy, he just loves her but won't say anything because he now thinks he can't. Everyone is totally chastised, staring into their drinks, and she finishes up by announcing she's a 28-year-old virgin who wanted her first time to be special but she wound up waiting too long (and she's also pretty sure guys find her annoying). She reminds them that none of these things qualify as drinks conversation, before chugging the rest of her own drink. After a moment of silence Meredith grins proudly and announces, "Oh April, I'm liking you more and more."
Owen gets home and finds his bride on the sofa with her blanket pulled up to her throat, of course, but when he tells her he's home all night she visibly relaxes a little. When he asks her how her day was, she cuddles up to him and admits with an air of defeat that she thinks she could be happy being a plumber. Their quiet moment is interrupted when Callie and Arizona come in, drunk, giggling, making out, and ripping each other's clothes off. Cristina and Owen watch with dropped jaws, and truth be told, Owen looks a bit pleased at the show, but I don't think the girls even notice. After they slam the bedroom door shut, Cristina declares that they have to get their own place, and Owen pulls up a newspaper so that they can start looking immediately. If only Callie had realized that's all they needed to do to start the process, maybe we wouldn't have had to suffer through all of their stupid, whiny scenes earlier.
"But no matter how much of a freak you end up being, chances are, there's still someone out there for you." As Mere voiceovers, we see Lexie fixing her makeup in an elevator, and she walks out smiling, happier than we've seen her since before the shooting. She rounds the corner, however, in time to see Mark and Amy making out in the hallway, and after Mark finds out she has a couple of hours until her flight, he pulls her into his apartment. Lexie is horrified, and actually recoils as if someone has just punched her in the gut. Mere finishes up: "Unless, of course, they've already moved on. Because when it comes to love, even freaks can't wait forever." So I guess Mark got over seeing Amy as Derek's 12-year-old sister, then.
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