L.A., L.A., A Hell Of A Town!

S03E22

During the first half of our special two-hour event, there's a lot of set-up, and not much payoff. At Seattle Grace, Meredith's stepmother visits the clinic to try to resolve her acid reflux and the resulting hiccups. Some wonder drug helps temporarily, but Meredith ends up suggesting a surgical procedure. It seems to have worked, but she ends up coming back with complications. Meanwhile, both Cristina's mother and Burke's mother have descended on their little love nest to plan a big, fancy wedding. Although Cristina agreed to marry Burke on the assumption that it would be a very small ceremony, he didn't really believe her and enlisted both mothers to plan the wedding. Cristina is uncharacteristically passive, and asks Meredith, Izzie, and Callie to be her bridesmaids. But once she realizes that Burke is in on the whole deal, she seems a bit more resistant. In other Seattle Grace news, Crush undergoes a neurological exam to try to identify the source of her amnesia, and Derek uncovers some kind of cerebral bleeding. It will take surgery to resolve it, and there's a chance that surgery can restore her memories. Meredith tries to convince Derek that she's now a happy shiny person, and he seems to buy it. And Mark is all sad because Addison has taken an unexpected leave of absence. And where has Addison gone? To Los Angeles, where her best friend is a fertility specialist at a fancy private practice populated by the stars of every show TWoP has ever recapped. Addison is there because she wants to make a change in her life, and has decided that having a baby is the best way to do it. While Addison's in L.A., she seems to have a small breakdown, and hears voices. She also discovers that while she spent the last year wallowing in her own misery and ignoring her friend, said friend also got divorced. While Addison is catching up with her friend and her ex-husband, she helps out in a complicated surrogacy situation -- it seems the surrogate had sex with a bunch of people the same week she was implanted with a fertilized egg, and nobody knows who the father is. To top it off, there are serious complications with the pregnancy. And after Addison delivers this news to the surrogate and all the other interested parties, her friend tells her that she's most likely infertile. Hmm, I wonder what kind of major life change Addison will make instead of having a baby?

Previously, Addison broke the no-sex pact she made with Mark, and then got her heart broken by Alex. Crush took a little too much vicarious pleasure in the Alex/Addison love story. Cristina agreed to marry Burke, but made it clear that she wanted a small, simple ceremony. Derek was kind of an ass to Meredith. And George proposed to escape from his self-made adulterous hell by running off to another hospital.

Meredith V.O.: "The dream is this: that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals." It's dark in Seattle, and Meredith is sitting on her couch, desultorily channel-surfing. The V.O. tells us that as soon as we get the dream, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Izzie wanders into the living room and asks Meredith why she's up. Meredith, clearly rubber and not glue, asks Izzie the same question. It turns out neither of them can sleep. And then Alex throws himself on the couch to Meredith. Izzie: "Why can't you sleep?" Alex: "No reason." Mere V.O.: "Because if this is the dream, then we'd like to wake up. Now, please."

The sun is up, and Cristina is woken up by some loud laughing coming out of the living room at the Burke/Yang household. She peeks out of the bedroom door, and we see Burke yukking it up with Mama Burke in the kitchen. That's scary enough, but then she hears her mother's voice: "Cristina, stop lurking. Come and say good morning to your guests." Cristina hides the terror she must be feeling at this sight and says, "Good morning, mother. Good morning, Mrs... . Mama." She looks around the apartment and sees bouquets, fabric samples, and guest books scattered all about the place. It's like a wedding planner exploded. Cristina: "What? What is everyone doing here so early?" Mama Burke: "Early? Darling, by the look of the calendar we should have been here six months ago." Mama Yang: "She doesn't understand what goes into planning a wedding." The two Mamas head into the living room. Burke walks up to Cristina with a cup of conciliatory coffee in hand: "Breathe. Sip, then breathe." If my boyfriend sprung both of our mothers on me without warning, it would be more like "stab, then bury."

At Seattle Grace, the Chief and Derek gossip about the fact that the police have still not found Crush's family and that she still hasn't regained any memories. Derek notes that now that Crush's other medical problems have been resolved, he'll do a neurological workup and see if he can identify the cause of her amnesia. Mark joins them and, sounding slightly panicked, asks, "Has anybody seen Addison?" Richard tells him that she's gone -- she took a leave of absence. Mark: "Why? I mean, did she tell you why?" He's suddenly aware that Derek is watching him. Richard: "All she said was she needed some time. To be happy and free, if I recall correctly."

Cut to Addison driving her little red convertible down some coastal highway. She's got the top down, and it's a beautiful sunny day. We're supposed to think that she's happy and carefree, and then we realize that she's having trouble shifting and her hair keeps getting in her face and it's all not quite as relaxing as you might think. She parks the car and gets out. She's wearing her normal three-inch heels and a dark tailored suit. She looks at the address in her hand and then starts to walk towards the building she's parked in front of. Everyone around her is dressed in summery pastel clothes, and she looks completely out of place. Addison tries to take off her jacket, but gets all turned around and tangled up in it. I love Kate Walsh. She walks into the Oceanside Wellness Group.

Addison gets on the elevator. Just as the doors are closing, Tim Daly throws himself into the elevator with her. He's wearing jeans and a leather jacket and looking mighty tasty. They ride in silence, and then Addison starts laughing. He gives her a bemused look, but does not ask what drugs she's taking and whether he can have any. She apologizes for laughing, and then tells him, "Where I come from, elevators tend to be this kind of aphrodisiac. People get on 'em and then they just get all horny." He doesn't quite know what to make of this, and she quickly tells him that she's not proposing that they get all horny with each other: "I'm just saying, it's a relief to be on a not-horny elevator, you know? Just get on. Ride. Without the sex." If that's "not-horny," I really don't want to know what a horny elevator would be like. The elevator door opens, and Tim gets off -- but not without one last look back at the crazy lady. Back on the elevator, Addison tells herself, "Oh my God, I'm becoming a crazy freak. A crazy, inappropriately chatting freak." And then we hear a high-pitched voice of indeterminate gender: "Becoming? Seems like you're already there." Addison looks around, and there's nobody else on the elevator. Oh my God, she's turning into Ally McBeal.

At Seattle Grace, Callie emerges from a curtained enclosure around a patient's bed and finds Cristina and the two Mamas standing there. Callie gives a friendly greeting, and Cristina gives her a very pained "hello" in return. Callie brushes off the oddness and asks Cristina if there's some orthopedic medical work she needs help with. Cristina mutters something under her breath, and when Callie asks her to repeat it, she screws up her courage and, with some difficulty, says "bridesmaid." She continues, "My mother and Burke's mother have been talking on the phone. And now they are here, with me." Mama Burke: "Cristina led us to believe you were friends." Callie bursts out laughing, but once she catches the look in Cristina's eyes she tells them, "Okay, I guess." Mama Burke says that it's settled then. Mama Yang moves in on Callie -- it looks like she's going for a hug, but we quickly see that she's wrapping a tape measure around Callie to get her measurements. As Callie realizes what just happened, Cristina slowly backs away. Callie: "Are you actually asking me to be... ?" Cristina, very quickly: "One of my bridesmaids? Yes." They exchange silent threats and apologies over the shoulders of Mama Yang.

By LTG

And it wouldn't be an episode of Grey's Anatomy if it didn't have a scene in which a woman inappropriately begs a man for something that should be her due. This time, it's Meredith. She walks up to Derek and makes a little small talk before telling him, "When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me." Well, yes, but that's because you were the one that drowned. That's a very different experience from standing on dry land. Mere continues: "Something happened to me, and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like... I just, I feel different. I want to be better, at everything, and I want to let you in. I swear." Derek: "Did you practice that?" She tells him that she had a whole routine worked out with hand gestures, but she decided to keep it simple and leave out the choreography. Meredith: "Just now is not the time to give up on me, okay, is what I'm saying." Derek: "Okay." But he doesn't look totally okay as she walks away.

We get some California lifestyle porn to bring us back to Addison. You know, yoga and tai chi and surfing. A receptionist answers the phone at the Oceanside Wellness Group. Hey, it's Piz! I've always thought this show needed a little bit of emo hair, and here it is. As he talks on the phone, Piz stares at the shapely ass of a doctor who's walking away from him. As Piz continues to talk to the patient about the itchiness in her nether regions, Addison wanders into the room. She laughs when she sees a flat-panel monitor displaying advertising for a book featuring Taye Diggs on the cover. It's called How To Seem Taller Without Really Trying. Addison walks up to Piz and tells him why she's there, but she interrupts herself when she sees a pretty young woman sitting in the waiting area. Addison calls her "Maya," and although Maya's dubbed-in voice sounds happy to see Addison, she acts totally awkward and standoffish when Addison approaches her. Addison: "Oh my God, you got so big. What are you, like 45 now?" We hear a voice telling Maya that she's going to be late for school. That voice belongs to the owner of the shapely ass Piz was admiring earlier. It's Francie! Or maybe it's the Francinator. Quick, offer her some coffee ice cream and see what happens. Francie seems surprised to see Addison, but not in a good way. Addison calls her "Naomi" (but "Francie" she will remain) and moves in to give her a big hug.

Addison babbles some small talk (if mentioning the psychotic break you just had in the elevator could be considered "small talk"), and Francie is totally cold in response. Francie sends Maya away to get her backpack, and then asks, "So, what do you want, Addison?" Addison: "I miss you." Francie: "Really? 'Cause I haven't heard from you in over a year. Unless you count the Christmas card, which... was nice." Addison apologizes, but Francie keeps talking about all the ways she tried to get in touch with Addison. Addison: "Can we just let this go? I'm having some rough times lately. I got divorced." Francie: "So did I." Addison's shocked to hear it. Just then Taye Diggs walks up with Maya and says Addison's name. Maya calls him "Daddy." So unless Maya is having a really inappropriate relationship with a rich older man, I'm going to guess that Taye is Francie's ex. Addison mocks him for the book and all of the pictures of himself that are plastered around the office. And then Amy Brenneman walks up to Piz and asks him to push her appointments back an hour. She explains to the others that she has to "rescue Cooper." Taye introduces Amy to Addison as "our shrink." I admire his lack of self-consciousness. When I run into my shrink in a public place, I'm rarely comfortable introducing him to people. Oh, wait, I think he means that Amy's a shrink that works with them, and not a shrink that works on them. Taye wants to know what Cooper did this time, and Amy responds, "What does Cooper always do?" Taye: "A woman." Addison chats with Taye about the practice, which she refers to as "co-op medicine." Taye tells her that they have doctors with a bunch of different specialties working together. Before he can make his whole pitch, Francie interrupts and pulls Addison away. As they walk away, Taye pointedly says, "Good morning, [Francie]." Francie: "Shut up." Addison is surprised that the two of them still work together. Based on what I've seen on this show, that seems like totally normal behavior. As Addison and Francie walk away, Tim walks up to Taye and asks about Addison, noting that "she's hot. Possibly insane, but hot."

Addison walks into Francie's office and busts her for working with her ex-husband. Hmmm. Francie insists that they're still friends: "We stayed friends, even after we got divorced. It's very healthy. We're healthy." Addison asks what happened to the marriage, but Francie isn't going to spill: "Addison, you and I were close in med school. That was a long time ago." Addison clearly thinks they were much better friends than that. Francie: "You got fat. Your hair looks hideous. And you're getting really, really ugly." Addison denies each of these obvious lies, and then tells Francie, "Awww, I've missed you too." The tension is broken, and Francie asks Addison why she really showed up at her doorstep. Addison notes that Francie is a fertility specialist, and leaves it at that. Francie: "You want to have a baby?" Addison: "I want to have a baby." I want to have a beer. And this is the perfect time for it, since we've finally arrived at some commercials.

Seattle Grace. Bailey pulls back a curtain around a bed in the clinic. We hear the sound of hiccups, and then see that the patient is Susan, Meredith's stepmother. Bailey wonders if Susan is looking for Meredith, but she's really looking for medical care. I assumed the clinic would be for people who don't otherwise have access to medical care. I'm guessing that Susan has some kind of insurance, so her presence here is pretty contrived. She tells Bailey that she has acid reflux disease and that it's causing her to have uncontrollable hiccups. Bailey suggests a particular drug, one that's normally used as an anti-psychotic medication but that also appears to stop hiccups. Bailey gives Susan a shot, and Susan asks how Meredith is doing. With the big intern exam approaching, Meredith has been so busy that she hasn't been returning Susan's calls. Bailey quite pointedly does not answer Susan's questions, and Susan surprises herself when she realizes that her hiccups have stopped.

Francie is examining Addison while Addison continues her descent into the land of the crazy inappropriate chatters. She babbles on about being "post-McDreamy, post-McSteamy," and Francie wonders what the hell she's talking about. Addison: "Forget it. You know what, let's never 'Mc' anything. A baby, that is my answer." Francie explains to her, "A baby's not really an answer. It's more of a crying, puking non-answer." Addison doesn't seem interested in hearing that, and points out that Francie got married and had a kid, so it must be doable. Francie tries to change the subject by suggesting some particular procedures to evaluate Addison's fertility. Addison: "Holy crap, I'm going to have a baby."

In another room, Taye is examining a woman's injured knee. She explains that she was doing some super workout on the treadmill and paused it, causing her to fly off and injure her knee. He tells her that the real question is why she's pushing herself so hard: "This is your fourth sports injury in three months." She takes a breath and then freaks out just a little bit, explaining that her husband hasn't had sex with her in eighteen months so she's been running like crazy to channel all of her sexual energy so she won't commit adultery. Someone should explain this method to George. At the end of her rant, she asks Taye, "You'd do it with me, right?" Taye: "I think you need to spend some time with our therapist."

Speaking of whom, Amy is sitting in her car and beeping her horn. She's beeping for her colleague, Cooper, who turns out to actually be Paul Kellerman. He gets in the car, and she starts driving. And also wiping her eyes and sniffling. He asks if she's been crying, and she asks where his car is. So, she needed to "rescue" him by picking him up and giving him a ride? They do have taxis in L.A., right? She wins the fight by threatening to evict him from the car, and he starts to explain that he met a girl at a bar. She laughs, and he corrects that to "on the internet." And then he tells her, "And she borrowed my car." Amy laughs and asks if he filed a report with the police, but he tells her, "She might bring the car back. She was gorgeous, and hot." And those are both excellent indicators of moral fiber. Amy points out that this is not a new experience for Kellerman. Apparently, it's pretty routine for him to hook up with women online who turn out to steal from him. Amy asks him what this pattern suggests about him, and he tells her, "That I'm an optimist. That I believe in magic. That there is a soulmate out there waiting for me." This crap is too much for Amy, who starts to quietly sob. He tells her that Alan was not her soulmate and is not worth crying over. She denies crying over Alan, and puts her sunglasses on to hide her tears.

By LTG

Addison and Francie walk through the reception area. Addison explains that other than "Project Baby," she's in L.A. purely for vacation and plans to read trashy novels and go to the beach. Francie tries to get Addison interested in their practice, pointing out that they have an empty office she could occupy. And that's all interesting, but the main point of this scene is for us to see that Piz is staring intently at Francie as she walks by. And for Addison to see it. She points it out to Francie, who denies it before shoving her off in the direction of the coffee and walking over to Piz to tell him to stop staring at her. He tells her, "You can't make rules about my eyes." And then she hears shouting and the sounds of a scuffle coming from another room.

Along the row of doctors' offices, Amy, Taye, and Tim all throw their doors open to see what the hubbub is. Bub. Everyone rushes into the room where the sound is coming from and finds three men grappling with each other. In a fighty way, not a sexy way. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Each man is shouting out that he's the father of the baby. One of the men is Sark, so it's pretty clear to me who will win this fight. In the corner, Nina is shouting that it's her baby. And sitting on a chair is a very pregnant Grace, screaming at everyone to please stop fighting. Kellerman tries to break up the fight, and gets a punch to the jaw for his trouble. Commercials.

In the clinic, Meredith is examining Susan, whose hiccups have returned. Meredith tells them that they could have called her, but Susan didn't want to bother her with a silly problem. So, what's the reason they didn't call her regular doctor? Meredith thinks it's not silly if the hiccups are preventing Susan from sleeping. Since the drug didn't work long-term, Bailey suggests an outpatient surgical procedure that should provide protection from the acid reflux and prevent the hiccups. Susan only needs to hear a basic description before wholeheartedly telling them that she's in. Thatcher is hesitant, but Susan tells him, "Just think of it as breathing into a very expensive paper bag."

In L.A., Francie is explaining the situation to the assembled crowd. Essentially, Nina and her then-husband Rick hired Grace to be their surrogate. Rick left Nina for a guy named Keith, and Nina is now married to Doug. And Sark is Grace's husband. Which is a pairing that totally blows my mind. Anyway, in the week before Grace was implanted with the fertilized egg, Grace had sex with Rick, Doug, and Sark. Hence the fighting about who might actually be the father.

The doctors are assembled in a conference room, trying to figure out what to do. Taye asks, "How do you pick a superfreak for a surrogate?" Francie doesn't think that really matters, as medically speaking the implantation of Nina's egg fertilized with Rick's sperm makes it pretty certain that the baby is theirs. Addison, who's in the room for some reason that Taye's malpractice insurer would probably like to know, points out that the real problem is that Grace hasn't had any prenatal care, because she ran away after getting her freak on with all those dudes. This is the first time Kellerman has met Addison, and he's making eyes at her. Addison asks who their normal GYN is, and Taye tells her the former GYN left "rather suddenly." And then everyone stares at Tim, who denies that he had anything to do with it. Addison offers to give an exam, and Kellerman asks her, "Have you ever thought of plying your trade in sunnier climes, Addison?" Amy mocks him: "'Sunnier climes'? Now we see why he has to type to pick up women." Taye tells Addison that the practice has adopted a very strict "no consorting rule" (by which I think he means "no fraternizing"), and once again everyone stares at Tim. Who once again proclaims his innocence.

Bailey performs the procedure on Susan, who despite being sedated continues to hiccup. George wonders why Meredith isn't there. I was certain the answer would be that the hospital has a strict rule about interns treating family members, but Bailey tells him that Susan asked Meredith to stay with Thatcher, who has been experiencing a lot of anxiety due to Susan's medical condition. George: "And Meredith is supposed to help with that?"

In the waiting area, Meredith tells Thatcher that there's really nothing to worry about. He tells her that what he really worries about are his daughters Molly and Lexie. Oh, and that other one, Meredith. Meredith, very kindly, notes that Susan must really be on Thatcher to talk to Meredith. He tells her he's envious that Susan is getting to know Meredith better than he is: "I think she may be faking these hiccups." Meredith: "To get us in the same place?" They laugh, because medical fraud is funny.

Taye's injured-knee patient and her husband are meeting with Amy. Since their names are completely forgettable and they are never going to be important characters in our lives, I'm just going to call them Ms. Horny and Mr. Flaccid. Also, I would like to note that on the same day that Taye told Ms. Horny that she should see the practice's therapist, she was able to get an appointment (and to get her husband into the office). I think this may be a sign that the practice is actually not doing much business; Addison should stay away for the sake of her own career. Mr. Flaccid tells Amy that he's just not very sexual, and Ms. Horny repeats her fear that her husband is having an affair. After a little back and forth, Amy interrupts them: "Okay, [Mr. Flaccid], I'm gonna give you some homework for session. Have sex with your wife. No matter what. Whether you're in the mood or not. Have sex. Do it in the bed, do it on the kitchen floor. Do you have a pool? Okay, do it in the pool. Have sex. No pressure, no judgment, no expectations. Have sex. Just...do it." If they do it in the pool, there might be some judgment from the neighbors.

Taye is walking his comically small dog and talking with Tim, who is pushing for the idea that they invite Addison to join their practice. Taye is wise to Tim's ulterior motives, and he tells him, "No. Absolutely not. Addison is a nice person. She is a decent person. She is a person." Tim: "I'm looking for a person." Taye: "Man, you're just looking." Tim thinks that makes him better than Taye, since he's at least looking for love. While they walk, some hot young thing calls Taye "Dr. Feelgood." Who gave him that nickname? I hope he didn't give it to himself in his book. Taye gives a cursory greeting to the woman and keeps walking. Tim thinks that's a perfect example of the problem with Taye -- he's having amazing success and he leads the life of a monk. A monk with a tiny little gay dog. Tim wants to go after Addison, but Taye thinks Addison is the kind of woman who requires a commitment. Tim claims not to be a manwhore, and Taye agrees that he only goes after one woman at a time, but that he runs away as soon as it's time to commit. Tim denies it, but Taye lists about eight women Tim's dated in the last few years. So Tim agrees not to pursue Addison. Taye does realize that Addison's only there on vacation, right? He's kind of an ass for cock-blocking her potential vacation sex with Tim Daly.

Addison is performing an ultrasound on Grace while Francie asks her questions about all the sex she had. Addison is trying to be professional, while Francie is sounding very judgmental. Grace accuses her of being on Nina's side, and Francie notes that she is Nina's doctor. Grace explains herself by noting that before the implantation, she freaked out about losing control of her body for nine months and simultaneously found herself wanted by three different men. Grace: "For once, I just stopped thinking, and I just...I did something wild." And now the drums of sudden medical emergency start to play. Grace can apparently hear them, because she asks what's going on and Addison tells her they need to run some more tests. Commercials.

Thatcher is wheeling Susan out to their car as Meredith walks alongside. Meredith tells Susan to take it easy as she recovers from the procedure. Susan doesn't seem inclined to disagree with that advice. Thatcher gives Meredith an awkward hug and tells her that it was nice talking with her. Susan looks quite pleased with herself. I would start to suspect that she was faking the hiccups too, except that we saw her hiccupping even under anesthesia.

George gets on an elevator to find that Izzie is there. She asks if he's heard any news about his transfer. He tells her that things look good. She seems unhappy, and he tells her, "I'm not an unfaithful guy. I'm not a cheater." Except for that time you slept with Izzie. And the time later in the episode when you're going to make out with Izzie. Other than that, you're a paragon of fidelity. In a rather accusing tone, Izzie asks if George thinks that if he stays around Izzie he'll have sex with her again. Only until the writers come to their senses, Izzie. Only until the writers come to their senses. The elevator stops on George's floor, and Izzie calls out his name. George: "I have to go."

Taye and Kellerman are walking down the hall when Amy tells them that she ordered Ms. Horny and Mr. Flaccid to have sex and "he didn't rise to the occasion." Taye: "Nothing? No wood." Amy: "Not even a twig." Now, I'm not a highly trained therapist, and I don't play one on TV, but I would think that when confronted with a man who hasn't had sex with his wife in eighteen months, one of the very first questions you might ask him is whether he's able to perform. Is he able to masturbate? Does he get morning wood? Because those are the kind of key factors that help determine whether impotence is psychological or physical. (Here's a hint: if your impotence is physical, you're unlikely to be getting any erections at all.) It may be that I just know a lot more about the penis than Amy does, but I'm beginning to suspect she's not a very good therapist. In fact, Amy has just now decided that Mr. Flaccid's problem must be physical, because she thinks the only other option is that he no longer loves his wife, and that's too depressing for her to think about. Kellerman suggests that Mr. Flaccid might be gay, and Taye starts to list some of the potential physical causes. Of impotence, not gayness. And then Kellerman asks, "Have you checked for extreme ugliness?" I don't really care if the spin-off gets picked up, but I wouldn't mind if Addison brought Kellerman back to Seattle Grace. He's funny and hot. Also, I have to assume that it's now the day, because otherwise it would mean that Ms. Horny and Mr. Flaccid ran home for a quick nooner and have just called up Amy with the results. And that would just be sad.

By LTG

Amy is shopping at the grocery store. She's wearing her sweats and her hair is up and kind of unkempt. As she's stealing a grape, she looks over and sees a fairly attractive man shopping for, oh, let's say, salad dressing. She quickly looks away and wheels her cart around the corner. And then he walks up behind her and calls her name. And it's Skip Ziti, from Skin. She calls him "Alan," so we know this was the man she was crying about earlier. They make small talk, and you can tell that despite her own best intentions, she's kind of grooving on seeing him again. And then this very hot chick walks up to Alan and talks about some cheese he wanted. Amy is a bit surprised, because this chick is way too hot for Alan. And she's even more surprised when she hears that the hot chick is Alan's wife. They've been married for about eight weeks. Amy congratulates them, and is clearly on the verge of tears. Alan at least has the discretion to get out of there. Amy Brenneman does a fantastic job of looking shattered as she grabs her purse and walks away from her basket. Commercials.

It's now morning in L.A., and Addison walks into the private practice's very fancy coffee room, where she finds Amy, Francie, and Kellerman all preparing fancy espresso drinks. Kellerman awkwardly offers Addison a drink, but Addison is all business. It turns out that Grace has a very serious condition that has caused the placenta to become abnormally attached to the uterine wall. This makes delivery extremely dangerous for both mother and infant. And to top it off, the baby is definitely Grace's, not Nina's, although there's still no indication who the father is. Addison wishes them luck with this serious case, because she's now headed for the beach. But Kellerman tells her they need someone to break the news to Grace. He would do it, but he has "low people skills with anybody over 12." Amy: "It's true. An internet hooker just stole his car." I kind of like how mean these people are. My new plan would be to bring Cristina, Callie, and Bailey to this show and just dump Grey's Anatomy. Kellerman yells at Amy for airing his dirty laundry in front of the woman with whom he's trying to flirt, and then awkwardly tells Addison that the internet hooker only borrowed his car.

Cut to Tim, Taye, and Kellerman at the police impound lot, inspecting Kellerman's shiny black penis-mobile, which has been completely stripped for parts. Kellerman wonders who would do that to such an awesome car. Tim: "A chick. A crazy chick." Kellerman: "But she was so hot." And as we all know, hot people are all emotionally stable and completely mature. Taye loved the car because it represented the romance of single life. Kellerman is upset because he thought he was done being single, because he fell in love with his internet hooker after one hookup. Taye asks what her name was. Kellerman: "Sexyboobs316." Tim asks if Kellerman is crying. He is, but he denies it. Taye: "You better be crying over that car, and not over Sexyboobs315." Kellerman: "316!" He's openly sobbing at this point, and Tim wants to just punch him. But Taye says that he can cry about the car and the woman, and kindly pats his back as he cries.

Seattle. Burke enters the bridal shop, where we find Cristina wearing a bedazzled monstrosity with puffy sleeves. There is no way in hell Cristina Yang is wearing puffy sleeves unless she's dressed as a pirate for Halloween. Cristina runs up to Burke. On the way, she passes both Mamas, who are lurking behind a rack of wedding dresses. Naturally, they both like the puffy-sleeved horror. I mean, the dress. Not Cristina. Cristina paged Burke because she's freaking out about all of the planning. Mama Burke has booked a chapel that seats 200, and Cristina has found herself saddled with bridesmaids: "Freakin' stupid, cotton-candy-colored bridesmaids?" She turns to the freakin' stupid, cotton-candy-colored Callie, Meredith, and Izzie and tells them, "No offense." She asks him what happened to the small ceremony she wanted. Burke tells her that he didn't think she was serious. Has he met her? When is she ever not serious? Meredith's pager goes off, and she announces that she has to return to the hospital. And Callie turns to Izzie and suggests that they wander off to give Cristina and Burke some privacy. It takes Izzie a moment to realize that Callie is suggesting they walk to some other place together, and she's pretty rude in announcing that realization. Cristina and Burke continue to talk, and she's pretty shocked to learn that he really wants a big, traditional wedding. When he confirms it, she just lets out a small "Oh." And then Mama Burke tells her that the saleswoman has more dresses for her to look at. Cristina very meekly thanks Mama Burke and walks away. Mama Burke tells Burke, "Cristina has certainly made quite an effort. Tried on, I would say, over a hundred dresses, and that certainly could not have been easy for her." Really, 100? Even at just three minutes per dress, that's five hours. I think Mama Burke is a liar. Burke thinks that Mama Burke is criticizing Cristina, but she tells him that if he thinks Cristina is right for him, she trusts his judgment. But Burke doesn't quite seem to trust his own judgment at the moment. Commercials.

In the Conference Room of Confused Surrogates and the Men They Sleep With, Nina is reacting to the news that the baby is not hers, while Grace simultaneously reacts to the news that she can keep the baby if she wants to. Sark wants to know who the father is, and Kellerman tells him that they won't know until after the baby is born. Exactly why is the pediatrician in this meeting? I assume Grace actually graduated from high school before becoming a surrogate and getting married. Addison tells them that more important than the paternity is the fact that both Grace and the baby are at risk of death. Grace is quietly freaking out, and Addison is calmly explaining how a c-section will save her life and help the baby if she goes into pre-term labor. Grace has grabbed onto Addison as a lifeline of sanity, and she begs her to stay in L.A. to deliver the baby. We end the scene before getting Addison's answer.

Taye is examining Mr. Flaccid, palpating his adenoids. (Do you like that? I think I just made those words up.) Taye asks where Ms. Horny is, and Mr. Flaccid starts sobbing. It turns out that Ms. Horny didn't come home last night, and Mr. Flaccid assumes she was out getting her swerve on. Taye tries to comfort him, and then Ms. Horny rushes into the room. She tells Mr. Flaccid that she had the opportunity to cheat, but she passed it up: "I passed up being with someone who actually wants to be with me because I am stuck with you!" I love these Hallmark moments. Mr. Flaccid starts to cry and cry, and Ms. Horny disgustedly leaves the room. Mr. Flaccid: "Oh, she's starting to hate me." I know I am. And then he grabs Taye in an enormous hug and asks, "What am I going to do if Little [Mr. Flaccid] can't perform?" Taye: "Okay. Don't talk about your penis while you hug another man." Is that another lesson he learned in kindergarten?

Mark slowly walks up to Derek and asks him why Addison would go to L.A. Without much interest in his voice, Derek notes that Francie and Taye are there. He asks if Mark is okay, and Mark tells him about the no-sex bet and how he and Addison were going to make a go of it as a couple. But then it fell apart when Addison slept with someone else. Derek can't help but see the irony in this situation. He also can't help but laugh at Mark, which is a little bit assy of him, but I'll allow it. Mark confesses to Derek that he claimed to have slept with someone else so that Addison would be let off the hook, because he wouldn't want to be with her if she really didn't want to be with him. He tells Derek that he was just wondering if Derek had any idea what was in L.A., and he walks away. I never thought I would see Mark in a conversation with someone over the age of 12 in which he was the more mature person.

Addison sticks her head into Francie's office to tell her that she's finally going to the beach. Francie tells her to come in, because her test results came back in. Addie's happy to hear it, because she's picked a donor. And then Francie delivers some medical mumbo-jumbo that basically means that Addison can't have a baby. I knew it was the Francinator! Oh, and the euphemism for sterile is "no fertility potential." Addison has a bit of a laughing/crying breakdown. She thinks this news just goes along with everything else that's crappy in her life: "I have the great guy, I don't have a baby because I'm focusing on my career. Then I have the other guy, I don't have his baby because he's not the great guy. And now I don't have the great guy or the other guy and I'm finally ready to have a baby, and I can't. That is so exactly what my life is." Francie tells Addison that there are other options, but Addison is totally dismissive. I get that she's in shock, but if they continue this "wanting to have a baby" plotline in either show, she'd better consider adoption. Francie says some comforting words, and Addison responds, "I just didn't realize I was out of time. That's all." Addison leaves, telling Francie that she'll see her at home.

By LTG

Addison gets on the elevator, and the voice tells her, "Looks like you had a bad day." Addison: "Okay, enough. Okay? Not today. This is not a good day, all right? So why don't you just shut up. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" She drops to the floor and cries. Commercials. And that's the end of the first half. The lovely and talented Lauren S. will take it from here.