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Meredith is sad that McDreamy dumped her, and becomes even sadder when the entire hospital points and stares. Cristina and Izzie steal a male patient who has been diagnosed with a hysterical pregnancy from the psych ward -- only, it's the man's wife who is actually pregnant, and his "baby" turns out to be an enormous, malignant teratoma. With teeth. And hair. Delicious! Naturally, in lockstep with Mere's own life, everyone points and stares. McDreamy attempts several times to speak to Meredith, until Bailey gives him the smackdown we've all been waiting for. Meredith, in a move almost worthy of Bailey, finally sacks up and gives McDreamy a smackdown of her own.
In other relationship news, Burke and Cristina argue for about seventy years about whether to let Webber in on their little secret, until Burke decides he's had enough and goes to Webber against Cristina's wishes. McDreamy and Addison go to marriage counseling; Addison decides to move to Seattle so they can make up, but it's actually so she can make lots of money there and be a real famous neonatologist. And in my favorite relationship story of the night, Burke and George bond over a very cranky woman who is in for heart surgery. The woman's long-suffering husband is astounded that she's not dead after her heart CATCHES ON FIRE during her fifth surgery, and makes a break for it before she wakes up. George and Burke have a good laugh about this, and Burke tells George he's "[his] guy." Meanwhile, Alex is late for rounds and gets stuck babysitting a wheelchair-bound college freshman, who is trying to decide whether to have a procedure that would improve her quality of life and thus allow her some independence from her parents. She and Alex teach each other some hard lessons about life during their time together: the girl gets the operation, and Alex finds Izzie at the bar after work and kisses the ever-loving fool out of her. Hooray! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open with lots of quick outside shots of Seattle: highways, the Space Needle, ferryboats. Then we're in bed with Meredith. There's no action; we're just lying there looking depressed. MereVO: "Communication. It's the first thing you really learn in life." Mere is now dressed and running out the door, now driving over a bridge to work, now adjusting her rearview mirror so as to get a better look at her floppy, floppy bangs. Cut to the hospital locker room, where people are shamelessly talking shit about our heroine. "She didn't even know he was married," pshaws a blonde nurse, who looks like she never met a bleach kit she didn't love. "I heard? She flipped out." Shut up, Blonde Nurse. Someone else says she got what she deserved, dating an attending. Blonde nurse remarks on McDreamy's perfect hair. More people talking about how Meredith is totally screwed. MereVO continues, "The thing is, once we grow up, learn our words, and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say, or how to ask for what we really need." We pan slowly around to the backside of the lockers, where Mere is standing there listening to her own reaming. I hope she uses her tiny, ineffectual fists to punch their lights out.
In a delightful segue, McDreamy and Addison are sitting in a counselor's office, listening as the counselor asks, "What do you really need? To make this marriage work?" McDreamy says he needs Addison to move to Seattle. Addison counters that she needs HIM to stop talking to Meredith. McDreamy can't help it that he works with Meredith. Addison: "You want me to pick up and move my entire practice? I want you to give up your girlfriend." Well, she has a point, although if you are the one who cheated on your husband, you're not really in a position to make such demands, are you? McDreamy says he is definitely not moving back to Manhattan -- he's not the same person he was then. Addison: "I know. You're a flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman. I GET IT." I think maybe she has her escapist surgeons mixed up. There is more bickering until a timer rings to indicate that their time is up. They both give the counselor "NOW do you see what I'm dealing with here?" looks. Oh, you two.
Back at the hospital, George is telling Izzie and Cristina that Meredith has become like a zoo exhibit. Interestingly, George is munching on a banana as he says this. Koko! Cristina giggles, until George reminds her that it could just as easily be her. He says they should do something to cheer Mere up. Izzie tells him slyly that it's under control. She and Cristina exchange knowing looks, while George is all, "What? WHAT?" They won't tell. Bailey bustles in and asks where Alex is. Izzie: "Probably off somewhere, NOT kissing somebody." They start off to rounds, but Cristina and Izzie hang back so they can tell Meredith not to get assigned to a surgery this morning, because they have something super-awesome to show her. Meredith shows no signs of life, but snaps out of it when Izzie gets up in her face and screams, "Mere? MEREDITH CAN YOU HEAR ME?" Hee. Cristina and Izzie wonder if she's gone mental. Meredith fixes them both with a look and says she has not gone mental. She's about to, though, because at just this moment McDreamy and Addison exit the elevator together. Mere just stands there holding her coffee and staring forlornly after them. Cristina has to physically guide her into the elevator as a song tells us, "You're better off dead!" No mixed messages there.
The doctors are with a patient. Her name is "Kimberly Griswold," and she's there for another of multiple heart surgeries. Mrs. Griswold is blithely applying her makeup as this goes on. Her husband stands by and assists her with mirrors and whatnot. Alex runs in, and Izzie tells him through clenched teeth, "You're late." Burke adds, "Yes, Karev, nice of you to join us." Uh-oh. Alex in big trouble. Burke turns to Cristina. "Why keep the heart beating, Dr. Yang?" Cristina, who obviously knows the answer, gives him a blank look. "I don't...know?" Zany music starts to play. Bailey's astounded, all, "What?!?" Cristina repeats, "I have no idea." Izzie chimes in, "Oh, I don't know either." Dumb Meredith starts to answer until Izzie pinches the shit out of her. "OW! Ohhhh." Burke asks if anyone knows the answer. Alex starts to say it, but Burke cuts him off and asks George, who answers correctly. Alex sulks. You have to wake up early in the morning to beat George! George gets the case, and Cristina and Izzie tell Mere it's time to go.
Outside the room, Alex complains to Bailey that Burke is punishing him for the elevator incident. I wish I had a recap to link back to for that, but alas. The world is harsh. Bailey tells Alex that he was punishing him because he was late. Alex can offer no explanation as to why he was late, and Bailey just shakes her head. She tells him she needs somebody on a "nerve case," and unfortunately she is not referring to herself. Alex goes. Bailey turns to the three giggling stooges standing behind her. "And YOU THREE. Brush up on how not to embarrass me in front of the attendings, or I'll see to it that your hearts stop beating. We clear?" All three of them mumble insincere apologies, and run off to their little adventure.
After they make their escape, Cristina divulges to Mere that they "found" a case. Mere is no idiot: "You stole a case." Cristina says this thing is totally unprecedented. Izzie beams, "And we found it!" They lead Meredith to a room, and Cristina tells her that behind this door is the coolest medical mystery she's ever seen. "Now," she continues, "you can either walk away guilt-free, or risk your place in the program, which could possibly lead to spending the rest of your life serving fries in bad clothing. So you in?" She and Izzie wait eagerly for Meredith's answer, which is "hell, yeah." They open the door and address a "Mr. Herman," who asks them to please call him Shane, then states that he needs to hit the can. Mr. Herman is sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to the girls, so Meredith can't see until he stands up (with much effort, and a hand supporting his back) that he is about sixteen months pregnant. He says, as if it's the most normal thing in the world, that it seems like he's got to go to the bathroom about every thirty seconds these days. Mere is speechless, and her face of shock takes us into the credits.
When we come back, Izzie and Mere are hoisting Mr. Herman back into bed. He tells them that he was fine, and then within the last month, his stomach just grew and grew. "My doctor just kept telling me that I was gaining weight with my wife." As a side note, Mr. Herman looks so much like the bully from Karate Kid that I keep expecting someone to stand up and bellow, "Sweep the leg, Johnny! Put him in a body bag!" Man, I love that movie. "Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything." Words to live by, my friends. I would also like to note that my husband can ACTUALLY catch a fly with chopsticks. I have seen it in person. Anyway, Cristina explains to Mere that Mr. Herman was originally shipped off to the psych ward. Izzie palpates Mr. Herman's abdomen, and exclaims that there's something in there; it's not fluid. Mr. Herman is like, "No joke, there's somethin' in there! Somethin'...growin' in, you know...my womb." Mr. Herman says he knows he sounds crazy, but he can prove that he's not. Just then, an stern-looking nurse busts up the party. She says this room is supposed to be unoccupied, and asks whose patient Mr. Herman is. All three doctors point to the other and shout, "Hers!" The nurse says she doesn't have any paperwork on him at all. Cristina rudely brushes her off: "Give me a break, we shuffle rooms all the time. You know, if we need a bedpan changed? We'll let you know." Oh, shit. The nurse gives Cristina a look similar to the ones black
widows must give their mates before they EAT THEM, and smiles sweetly, "Okay, Doctor. You do that." After she leaves, the girls realize they need to find Mr. Herman's chart, so Mere is charged with flirting (badly) with the admitting physician to try to get it. It doesn't work. In fact, after Meredith tells the poor guy that he doesn't have to be a surgeon for them to be able to talk, he shuts her down with, "Really? 'Cause…I thought you only talked to attendings." Ouch.
Cut to McDreamy, asking a young patient named Nicole if she's been having problems with "spasticity." I'd say your ex-girlfriend is the one with that particular ailment, Dr. McDreamy, but who am I to judge? Nicole's overbearing parents answer for her that they just wanted to make things a little easier for her, since she starts college soon. Nicole, who is in a wheelchair, sits quietly and makes bedroom eyes across the room at Alex. Nicole's parents start babbling about how Nicole is going to school locally, not that she wouldn't have her pick of any school she wanted, but she's not ready for it yet, blah blah. Alex gives Nicole the cutest wink ever perpetrated on another human being, while McDreamy confers with her parents. He tells them that the operation he'd like to perform will enlarge Nicole's bladder, and greatly improve her quality of life, as she won't be so dependent on a catheter. Nicole's mother, who is the real problem here, immediately nixes the idea. Her dad suggests that maybe they should think about it. McDreamy finally asks Nicole herself what she thinks. He tells her that she would be more like kids her own age -- in control of her bladder, and with a more normal sex life. At this, Nicole's parents recoil as if he's said "more normal WORSHIPPER OF THE DARK LORD," and McDreamy adds, "When that becomes an issue, of course." Heh. Nicole's mom says they're here for the pain procedure, and that's it. Nicole looks at McDreamy in resignation.
Outside, Alex complains about Nicole's parents. He says she's never getting that operation. McDreamy tells Alex that he wants Nicole to go everywhere he does today, just to get her away from her parents for a while and help her figure out what she wants. Alex: "You want me to baby-sit the wheelchair chick?" Oh, Alex, you're just as sensitive as ever. McDreamy says he merely wants Alex to convince Nicole to make the decision for herself.
Mrs. Kimberly Griswold, Bitch Extraordinaire, is being attended to by Burke in her room. She tells Burke that her room was bigger last time. Al, her husband, places another pillow behind her head as she grouses that the water he brought her is warm. "I need more ice!" Burke tells her that she'll be in the OR by this afternoon, and asks if she understands the risks. She says she's been through it too many times not to, then tells her husband, "Al, get the blinds. OPEN THE BLINDS! This room is depressing." Al follows her orders with a robotic efficiency. Poor Al. Burke tells George to get Mrs. Griswold's scans and the results of her tests. George tells Burke that he just wanted to thank him for choosing him today. Burke: "Well, you're my guy, O'Malley." George: "I am? I mean...yeah." Aw! Mrs. Griswold commands Al to hand her the tissues. "No, wait, hospitals have germs. Get my hand sanitizer." JESUS GAY.
As they leave the room, George asks Burke why you would be with someone who makes you that unhappy. Burke is like, "Excuse me?" George goes so, so overboard: "Like, you're happy with Cristina? And she's happy, I mean happier? Cristina happy is not normal people's happy, but..." George trails off when he sees the look that Burke is giving him, which is not anyone's kind of happy. George quickly recovers. "Scans! I'm on it. I'm your guy!" Burke walks off, and George kicks himself for being such an idiot.
Cut to the female members of Fool and the Gang (there it is!), waiting for an elevator. McDreamy walks over and tries to say hi to Meredith and ask her to talk, but Cristina and Izzie totally cock-block him. "NO," they answer in unison, and drag Mere away. Victory! Mere gives him a pitiful look over her shoulder as she goes. Turn around, little girl.
Alex wheels Nicole into the elevator as she asks what he did to get stuck with her. Alex tries to deny that he's stuck, but finally admits that he was late for rounds. Nicole asks why. Alex says he had things to do, and catches sight of Izzie rounding a corner down the hall. He and Nicole give chase, and Izzie turns around when he yells, "Hey, dollface!" She is not pleased to see him, especially when he tries to pass Nicole off to her. Izzie tells him he's like a broken record, and is only nice or friendly when it's convenient for him. "So no to your favor. No to you. NO." Alex is like, "What's UP with you?" Nicole watches this exchange with interest. Izzie says she did her hair; she had one night off in two weeks, and she can't believe she used it on him. "You couldn't even have bothered to kiss me goodnight," Izzie continues. "You're a coward, and you're just as shallow as you seem." She shoves her hand in his face, tells him she's over it, turns on her heel, and stalks off. Nicole: "She's really mad at you." Alex, for once, is speechless.
Room of Hysterical Pregnancy. Mr. Herman's wife, who is also pregnant, has arrived. Mr. Herman exits the bathroom with a urine sample. Mere asks him what precipitated the psychotic episode that got him admitted to the hospital. Mr. Herman says there was no episode. "And I'm not psychotic. I. Am. Pregnant." He asks his wife if she brought "it," and says he'll prove to everyone that he's not crazy. Before he can, though, all hell breaks loose. Mr. Herman's admitting physician busts into the room and demands his patient back. Cristina says it's clearly a surgical case, and it's theirs now. Bailey then walks in and wants to know what the hell is going on. Cristina tells Bailey to just look at the patient. Admitting Physician insists it's a male hysterical pregnancy. While all this is going on, Mr. Herman is dipping a pregnancy test into his urine sample. AP keeps screeching that it's hysterical. Well, someone is. Cristina tells Bailey there's a mass, so...surgical. Everyone continues to argue until Izzie holds up the pregnancy test and yells at everyone to shut up and listen to her. "Guys. Guys. GUYS! Shane took a pregnancy test. It's positive." Bailey: "Well, he's definitely a surgical patient now." Commercials.
Mr. Herman is getting himself an ultrasound, with Addison on the business end of the wand. Bailey tells the three thieves not to think for a moment she condones stealing patients. "That said, way to go." Aw, she loves them! Mr. Herman says the first pregnancy test he took was a joke to make his wife laugh. Imagine their surprise. Addison tells Mr. Herman that he is in no way pregnant. Why, Mr. Herman wonders, were his pregnancy tests all positive, then? Bailey says that's what they're going to find out. She orders a shotgun workup for tumor markers, and a CT. An photographer has already found his way into the room, and is shooting pictures furiously. Mr. Herman nervously asks what they're for, again? Izzie answers, "Oh, medical journals, monthly case reports." Cristina tells it like it is: "Annual banquet highlight reels." They both lean in over the patient and smile broadly. Someone's pager goes off; it's Cristina's. She doesn't want to go, since she found Mr. Herman in the first place. Bailey baileys, "Oh, no. We don't ignore pages, Yang." Cristina leaves reluctantly, and Bailey measures Mr. Herman's abdomen. Meredith, sensing Mr. Herman's increasing discomfort, asks Bailey if they'll be through soon. The photographer just keeps snapping away.
Nurse Black Widow hands Cristina a huge stack of charts: a rectal exam, two infected wounds, a catheter, a groin abscess, four debridements, aaaand...a case of explosive diarrhea. Cristina's like, "You're kidding." The nurse says (humorlessly) that she's not known for her humor.
Alex: Yeah, you do.
Nicole: Jerk.
Alex: Motormouth.
Nicole: Babysitter.
Alex: Two-wheeler.
Nicole: Now that's just politically incorrect.
Aw.
Cut to a much grimmer scene: Mrs. Griswold's surgery. It's going well, until McDreamy walks in the observation room and ruins everything. Meredith gives him a sad look. Cristina stares at the monitor and says, "Look at that. A fully-exposed partially numb beating heart. It's a beautiful thing." Wait, is this supposed to be symbolic of something? And if we hadn't been beat over the head enough, Mrs. Griswold's heart CATCHES ON FIRE. She codes, of course, and Burke commands O'Malley to shut down all the equipment. Everyone not in the operating room stares in disbelief as Burke tries to save the mean lady. Commercials.
When we get back, Fool and the Girls are sitting in a stairwell discussing the surgery. Meredith can't believe the lady's heart was on fire. Cristina tells her to stop saying that over and over again. "But she was. She was on fire." George passes by, and they ask him if he's okay. George: "She was on fire." Hee. Burke passes by too, and Cristina asks him if he's okay. Burke says he's fine; he tells O'Malley they need to go. Before Cristina can be aggravated, her pager goes off again. She finds Bailey, who says, "Oh, hey. I hear a heart caught on fire in the OR?" Cristina tells Bailey she knows she deserves it, but Bailey is wasting her on puke and boils. "I get it, please don't keep me away from this surgery. I earned this surgery. I stole this surgery!" Bailey's all, "What the hell are you talking about, Yang?" Cristina realizes that Bailey has no idea about her and Burke. She asks Bailey who, then, has been paging her all day? Nurse Vengeful pipes up from behind the desk: "A little respect, and you could have saved yourself a very long day, Dr. Yang." Cristina can't believe it. Bailey: "Pissing off the nurses. STUPID." Cristina calls after her, "But I can still scrub in, right?"
Addison is confiding in Webber that McDreamy wants her to move to Seattle. Webber tells her that, with her reputation, she could be the most bestest, super-fabulous, famousest neonatologist west of Manhattan. Also, he offers her a whole lot of money to take the job. Which, judging by the look on her face, she is going to. Meanwhile...
...her husband walks towards Meredith with purpose. He has nearly made it when Bailey steps in front of him and barks, "Turn around. Walk away." McDreamy says he wasn't. Bailey says yes, yes, he was. "Look, you can't do this, you don't have the right, not anymore." McDreamy just wants to see if she's okay. Bailey smacks him down: "She's not. She's a human traffic accident, and everybody's slowing down to look at the wreckage. She's doing the best she can with what she has left, and I know you can't see this 'cause you're in it, but YOU CAN'T HELP HER NOW! You'll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend." McDreamy is near tears, but still doesn't quite get it. Bailey has to tell him again to GO ON, and he finally does.
Alex wheels Nicole around the hospital while they talk. He asks her why she wouldn't want this operation that could help her. Nicole confesses that she doesn't know if she's ready for this much independence; she's never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. "I'm like the oldest living prospective college freshman not to go to first base." Aw. Alex tells her there are way older losers than her. Nicole stops Alex, turns to him, and asks in the most heartbreaking way ever if he will kiss her. "I know it's against the rules, but I would never tell anyone." Alex looks around and leans down to Nicole, who already has her eyes closed and her lips pursed in anticipation. And instead of kissing her, he tells her that for a kiss to mean something, you want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so when you finally touch you feel it everywhere. "You can't cheat your first kiss, Nicole. Trust me, you don't want to. When you find that right person...that first kiss? It's everything." Nicole opens her eyes and smiles. Tears!
Burke and George are trying to explain to Al what happened in his wife's surgery. Burke says there will be an investigation, but it's not as unusual as it sounds, and his wife is going to be fine. As Burke goes on to say that Mrs. Griswold is expected to make a full recovery, Al is rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. Burke and George try to console him, thinking he's stunned with grief, but Al suddenly starts laughing. A lot. Crazily. He tries to speak in between guffaws. "So...her heart caught on fire. In the middle of her fifth open-heart operation. And she survived?" More hysterical laughter. "She's like some, some mythical monster. She's NEVER gonna die!" Burke says he knows it's an emotional time, and if Al would like to wait... But Al doesn't want to wait. He is not waiting any longer. He shoves her bag into George's hands and says, "You tell her. Tell her...hell, tell her she'll survive without me!" And out of the hospital he goes, still laughing his ass off.
Meredith finds a huge crowd of people in Mr. Herman's room -- nurses, doctors, reporters, photographers, you name it, they're there -- and can't take it anymore. She screams at everybody to get out, because Mr. Herman is a surgical patient who is tired and embarrassed by being stared at. She turns to Izzie and Cristina, who have been taking bets: "You two? This isn't a zoo! OUT!" She tells the rest of them that if they want to point and stare at her, to knock themselves out. "'Oh, look at Meredith, isn't she sad and pathetic and heartbroken. Maybe she's gone mental.' Maybe I have! But leave Mr. Herman alone!" Everyone leaves ashamedly as Meredith ushers them out the door. She spots McDreamy across the hall and addresses him viciously: "And what are YOU looking at." Bravo! It's about damn time. Commercials.
Burke and George are still sitting in the reception area, gobsmacked by Al's heroic exit. George is like, "So do you tell his wife, or should I?" Burke can't control himself, and breaks down laughing. George laughs too, more because there's nothing else he can do than because it's funny. When the giggles die down, Burke tells George that he wants to thank him for how well he performed in the surgery today. George thanks Burke for the compliment, but as we all know, George just cannot keep himself from ruining everything. He adds, "And hey, I'm sorry about before...you know, bringing up you and Cristina." Here he puts his hand on Burke's shoulder, and Burke pulls away like George's hand were molten steel. He gets up and starts walking away. George is mortified with himself, but then calls over his shoulder, "You're still my guy, O'Malley." Oh, I think it's love!
It's almost time for Mr. Herman's surgery. He tells his wife that he always thought he would hold her hand in the delivery room. She kisses him goodbye. Sweep the leg, Johnny! On the way to surgery, Mr. Herman asks Meredith not to let "them" show his teratoma off, or pass it around in a jar or something. Meredith promises she won't. Mr. Herman goes into surgery, and MereVO starts up: "At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about." A huge crowd of people watches as Bailey pulls the enormous cyst from Mr. Herman's abdomen. She hands it over to Meredith and asks, "You really want to be the one to dispose of this, Grey?" Mere says she made a promise.
Cut to Cristina, who finds Burke and tells him how worried she is about her career and reputation. "I will not be Meredith Grey. I busted my ass to get here, and people will not make allowances for me." Damn! Burke says it's not about making allowances; everyone will know. Cristina says she just doesn't want to tell the chief, okay? Burke looks at her with tears in his eyes, and MereVO tells us, "Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any
longer." Burke opens the door to Webber's office, and we cut to...
...Nicole, telling her parents that she's getting the operation. Nicole's parents try to argue, but Nicole asks them if they've noticed that they don't ever ask her what she thinks. "It's my fault; I let you do it. But I'm not cheating anymore. I'm not sitting back and giving over control, because I am ready to handle things for myself." McDreamy looks on, pleased, as does Alex. MereVO: "Some things are more than what you say. They're what you do."
And now we're back with Burke and Webber. Webber tells Burke that he appreciates his candor. Burke says he doesn't need any special treatment. Webber: "And you're not gonna get it. You're not married; you're not hiding. You came to me. You clearly value your relationship. What you two have together, I understand that, Preston, and it does matter." Cristina looks through the office window, both mortified and relieved as hell. MereVO: "Some things you say because you have no other choice."
We cut to the counselor's office again. Addison says she's given it a lot of consideration, and has decided to move to Seattle. McDreamy says Meredith won't be a problem anymore at all. The counselor says they've made remarkable progress. Ugh, so pukey. Addison says that's what marriage is about -- compromise, right? She tries to take McDreamy's hand, but he totally shafts her. He then says it's about give and take, and goes to take her hand, then pulls it away. They hate each other. MereVO: "Some things...you keep to yourself." Yes, like the fact that you hate your spouse.
Over at Joe's bar, Izzie tells Joe that they sold $485 worth of tickets to the surgery. She looks at Cristina, and asks, "Wait...did you sell more?" Cristina pulls a huge wad of cash out of her pocket and slams it on the bar. "Oh, yeah." Meredith walks in and they all get quiet. She smiles. "So you guys really do have nothing else to talk about?" They all admit that they don't, really. Alex walks in, and MereVO says, "And not too often...but every now and then..." Alex walks over to Izzie, and regards her. "What?" she asks. He grabs her, leans her back, and kisses her like it's the last thing he'll ever do. MereVO: "...some things simply speak for themselves." Alex places Izzie back upright, tells her goodnight, and walks out. Cristina: "WOW." Izzie: "Seriously." Joe: "You get a double." AB Chao: "Tears!" And we fade out.