Harsh though the recaps have been, I found today that the cumulative effect of the past few episodes resulted in a feeling approaching thrill in the hours leading up to tonight's installment. And I was not disappointed! How great! Hilarious, breezy and fun, with everybody -- particularly Blair and Georgina -- looking fantastic. They weren't kidding when they said the second half of the season was going to lighten up. That was one of the most awesome fucking episodes in years.
That lacrosse song from when Blair tried to break Serena's legs! Two St. Vincent songs! Serena wearing her versions of a school uniform again! Dan and Nate in St. Jude's jackets! Chuck wearing the Scarf! (For some reason, this all choked me up, so it might have heightened the emotional response to the rest of the episode -- but I doubt it. It was objectively fantastic.) Blair Waldorf actually acting like Blair Waldorf!
So. Back alone from her honeymoon -- with a dour Royal Minder in tow, who seems to herself be in love with Louis -- Blair wastes no time in fixing things so she doesn't have to worry with Dan for the year, by (of course) dressing up in costume with Dorota and sending them on a surprise trickery date. In parallel to Blair's attempts to time travel everybody back to safety, Georgina uses her extensive UES payroll to arrange a V-Day party at the Empire, with the fabulous/brilliant theme of Constance Billard.
Lola -- since the restraining order Nate's begging for still hasn't kicked in -- winds up working the party, where she runs into... Ivy, who's in town on a secret errand for a mysterious "her." By the end of that awkward encounter, Lola's figured out the whole Charlie Peepers ruse, and starts doing some investigating of her own. But what's Ivy's secret? Turns out she's been living in the Hamptons, with her favorite fake grandmother... And it seems time is running out for old CeCe.
While Blair spends the party running around, whipping Serena into a Dan Frenzy and Dan into what she thinks is a Serena Frenzy, things get complicated when Georgina decides to trigger the dowry clause by blackmailing Dan into kissing Blair. But when it finally happens, it is for real and it is a scorcher... As well as being witnessed by Georgie and Serena, both. Cue hysterics from Serena, aloof shutdown from Blair, and misery for all! Not to mention Georgina's parting gift -- a tip to Chuck about the kiss, outwith her responsibilities as GG -- triggers something far deadlier: Chuck seduces Dan's agent Alessandra, the better to make his revenge.
Week: While Serena falls down a neverending pit of despair and/or meets the guest star who'll be making an attempt on her life, Dan and Chuck begin their epic battle for the heart of a woman who can't date for the year. And apparently, given the many kisses he'll be sharing with B, Dan is winning. I, for one, cannot wait.
PREVIOUSLY
CeCe and Ivy formed a very strong connection, but Lily kept running into Lola for ridiculous reasons, and Nate for kinda creepy stalker reasons. Dan did his best to ruin Blair's wedding, but ended up just ruining her life instead; Serena somehow managed to make it all about her regardless. She was having a pretty insane hair day. Georgina did nothing in particular to move things along, and Blair sold herself into gilded cage slavery.
LIKE A MONTH LATER?
Who hates Valentine's Day is Gossip Girl, but who doesn't is kissing couples of all different kinds of genders and combinations. Not to mention Dorota, who is overjoyed that Blair is finally back from her honeymoon -- alone -- and looking relatively unharmed.
Or well, not quite alone. She's also got a Royal Minder, euphemistically "social secretary," whom Blair has decided to call "Creeper" in lieu of any real human respect. As we'll see, Creeper is in love with Louis Grimaldi in a secret, creeper way, and thus will hopefully provide the out for Blair that tuberculosis failed to do.
Blair: "She reads my mail, and performs nightly bed checks!"
Creeper: "My accent defies belief, but at least I'm as off-putting as I'm meant to be."
Rather than any of the big parties the rest of the cast has planned, Creeper's mandate for tonight is that Blair will choose one of several philanthropic functions in order to make her stateside debut as Princess. Spoiler, she's totally going to end up at the big party at the end of the episode, because in five years there has never been a single episode where everybody doesn't end up at the Big Party. Nobody tell Creeper, though.
PRADA
Dan finds Rufus buying Lily some holiday jewelry with her money, courtesy of a Cartier operative -- who is also secretly under the employ of Georgina, naturally -- when he comes over to get a curious object. Seems he keeps movies in the form of physical objects, filed in something the shape of a book, and then carts that entire book around full of all his movies. That is some quaint shit right there.
Rufus: "Are you planning on toting your big book of movies in physical form over to Chez Waldorf, the better to pathetically attempt to hook up with a married woman who already has two other boyfriends?"
Dan: "You know me too well, father. And for your part, I see that you are buying Lily presents with her own money? Did you even manage to put on pants today?"
Rufus: "As long as I get this jewelry picked out before she comes home from DC, I won't be punished. Later on, we're checking into the Empire Hotel for a little sexuality. I play a housemaid who was late picking out Mistress's jewelry, and she plays a WASP from the Hamptons with a variable number of children who goes unexplainably missing for weeks at a time."
Dan: "Sexy."
Rufus: "It was Chuck's idea."
CHARLIE VS CHARLIE
Lola notices Ivy, and runs over to have a little chat with her. As the only waiter at this event, it is of course her prerogative to sit down on a chaise longue and catch up with the girl who's been impersonating her lo these many months, and still nobody asks the salient questions about this scenario.
Like: "How is it possible that Nate is pulling the strings of this girl's actual livelihood, and yet still her name hasn't rung any bells for him? Are we meant to honestly believe that he hasn't even figured out her last name yet?"
Or: "Has this bitch seriously never heard of Gossip Girl? Or the newspaper? She never once wondered why she was constantly in the news?"
Or: "Why does everybody suddenly know Lola on every part of this show just from literally bumping into her in different locations?"
Or: "The fact that Ivy didn't immediately fucking bolt the second Lola started yelling her name, what is that about? Why is Ivy here at all? Why is any of this happening?"
MEANWHILE
Blair really overextends this time, telling Serena all these lies about how Dan was saying the spark was back and that it was worth pursuing. I mean, she was doing all the talking and it'd be very in-character if she just imagined the entire conversation going the way she wanted it to, but because this is like the third (and not the last) time poor stupid Serena's gotten her hopes up today, it comes across as unnecessarily cruel.
I mean, if Blair can't even admit that Dan is a possibility, then this whole situation assumes a different, and the correct, shape: It's telling the story it's telling us it's telling, which is that Dan/Louis was a shell game all along to keep Dan from getting between B and S, but it's reaching so far back into antiquity to even remember how Blair used to work, in a way where this makes sense: That girl who would force these situations into existence by sheer force of indomitable will, that girl who would do anything to save Serena, that girl whose loyalty was so twined up with her jealousy she couldn't ever be completely sure of her own motives... It seems like a lot to ask, to suddenly have that girl back. And that's to say nothing of the fear that she'll just vanish again.
PLOT MECHANICS
So while S is running off, all cheered up for the eightieth time that Dan's not going to pull the same shit as always, and Blair realizes that she still has Dan's necktie in her hand from when she was mussing up his hair and getting him all St. Juded up, Dan traces the sound of Gossip Girl's blasts to Chuck's room, where he finds Georgina (wearing the St. Jude's uniform we never once saw her wearing) and immediately realizes that A, she's Gossip Girl -- or her henchwoman -- somehow, and B, she no longer has any leverage over him, as far as selling Blair out to the Prince.
Dan: "Do you really want us to get back together?"
Blair: "I just want to you to be happy! Tell me what would make you happy, Dan."
Her voice cracks at the end, eyes searching his face wildly, all her old tics coming out again now that she's back to her old self, and he kisses the hell out of her, just like she wanted.
Behind them, the door cracks open again, but they don't notice. Georgina gets her shot and giggles, running off. Serena just shakes her head when Dan chases her, and Blair starts crying. It's pretty apocalyptic.
Alessandra flirts drunkenly with Chuck downstairs, taking a break from her Gal's Night Out to troll for some creepy Charlie Trout sex. Wait, so is this a St. Vincent performance that they're all hanging out at? I'm so confused. I thought it was the Cardiac Ball, but then why is Creeper chilling down in the Empire Bar? Oh well, anyway she's about ready to go.
Serena: "So is this about dicking with me, or is it payback, or taking things of mine away, or...?"
Blair: "Actually none of the above, this time. I actually don't have an explanation for my behavior. I'm as confused as you are."
Serena: "For a year supposedly about breaking my old patterns, I sure have fucked that up completely."
CHARLOTTE LIGHT & DARK
While Creeper finally just escorts Blair from the suite by hand, Ivy and Lola chill out and take their leisurely time catching up, almost as though daring the Fates to send any of the ten castmembers on this show that would be able to correctly identify the ruse in play and send the situation spiraling out of control. Of course, what the Fates send is the one person on the show who wouldn't put the pieces together, Nate Archibald, so they're fine. Ivy bounces, and Nate presses once again on the bruise of Lola's disinterest in his lifestyle -- it's still not cute, please treat women like people -- and then somehow Nate manages to put the whole thing together for Lola without ever actually understanding it himself.
Lola: "Why was Ivy Dickens here?"
Nate: "That's just a fake name! Her real name is Charlie Rhodes, she's my friend's cousin."
Lola: "I guess in addition to not having the internet or newspapers where I come from, I also didn't know that I have a cousin, or else I would put a stop to this right now. I make less and less sense as time goes on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to act all sketchy some more. These cocktail trays and crudite I should be passing aren't going to ignore themselves."
Cartier: "How about you? Do you date women?"
Dan: "Ostensibly."
Cartier: "Women who like jewelry?"
Dan: "Generally yes. The women that I date tend to wear about a million necklaces at once."
THE STREETS
Chuck: "Sis, I just called to whine at you about the holiday and the concept of love."
Serena: "Bro, I am right there with you. I mean, at least Blair told you she loved you back. When I confessed my feelings for Dan, he just pretended he didn't hear me."
Chuck: "It has been nice having this telephone conversation with you about nothing."
Serena: "Sharing exposition aloud is so much cozier when there's actually somebody on the other end of the line."
Chuck bumps into a remarkably sassy gay dude, and maybe they fall in love, I don't know. It's weird. We're supposed to notice the... Oh, you know what, he's one of Gossip Georgina's minions, that's what it is. Got it.
WALDORF/VAN DER WOODSEN
Blair: "Serena, I know we're mad at each other for fairly dumb reasons, but I'm over that."
Serena: "Okay, you ran away with Dan, which is a stupid thing for me to be mad about."
Blair: "Whereas you sent that video to GG and ruined my wedding and essentially made me into a prostitute."
Serena: "No, actually I didn't do that."
Blair: "Well, Chuck never sold me for a hotel either, but that doesn't stop people from screaming about it, even years later."
Serena: "No, I mean that I literally didn't do it. No idea who did. Anyway look, are we done fighting or what? I have to go interview a 70-year-old virgin about what that's like, since I can't even remember."
Blair: "In connection with what, your career as a journalist all of a sudden?"
Serena: "Or whatever it is Nate and I are doing all the time."
Blair: "Doesn't sound too romantic."
Serena: "Very little about my romantic life generally does. The only good Valentine's Day I ever had on this show was with..."
Dan appears and Blair lights up; Serena goes shoving past him in a way that could break a few of his tiny bird bones if she isn't being careful.
Dan: "Blair, I brought you this book of movies! No reason. Or we could watch them together, under a blanket."
Blair: "No. you should go do something romantic. With somebody else."
Dan: "You keep saying that like any of us are dating anybody. The only person in a relationship right now is Nate, and that's less of a relationship and more like straight-up stalking."
Blair: "But don't you thrill to the romance of this holiday? As I do?"
Dan: "No, Valentine's sucks. The only good one I ever had was with..."
A scary lightbulb goes off over Blair's insane head, and Dan gets the shit out of there.
Blair: "DOROTA! We have to do some seriously crazy shit right now."
Dorota: "You're going to try and get Serena and Dan back together so you can get him off your plate? They never really seem to resent that as much as they should."
SPECTATOR
Lola: "Hello? Why is this number blocked? What's that breathing sound? Hello? Hello, who is this? I'm calling the police."
Nate: Hangs up. Immediately calls back.
Lola: "Is this fucking Nate Archibald? How many times do I have to..."
Nate: "You're going to be my date for Valentine's Day whether you like it or not."
Lola: "First of all, who the fuck in any part of reality would have a first date on Valentine's, and second of all, I'm a cater-waiter and this is one of my biggest nights of the year, and thirdly, stop stalking me."
Nate: "Nope! I have this notion that I'm being adorable."
Lola: "How did you get this number, anyway?"
Nate: "I bribed your boss for your number. And also, you're still my date tonight."
Lola: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
GGHQ
Georgina: "Okay, Nate's Assistant, Cartier Guy, Sassy Gay Dude and Random Security Guard, what have you to report?"
Sassy Gay: "Chuck is grumpy as usual! Meet Cute accomplished!"
Security Guard: "I'm old and Irish!"
Cartier Guy: "It is ludicrous that I would be involved in this scheme!"
Nate's Assistant: "Well, Nate is apparently planning on keeping Lola in a hole and eventually wearing her skin as an evening gown so that he can complete his transformation..."
Georgina: "How Season One Georgina of him."
To Philip: "Under my stewardship Gossip Girl's just a shell of her former self!"
Philip: "Tell me more, while I raise another man's baby. I am apparently cool with whatever."
Georgina: "I must create utter scandal! Or do nothing as usual!"
Philip: "Why not just release the news that Dan leaked you the wedding video?"
Georgina: "If I'm going to load up Dan like a hirsute hand grenade, I need everybody to be there when he detonates. Ack! It was so much easier to stir stuff up when we were all in high school and in the same place all the time!"
Philip: "Oh, you mean like never happened? Or are you referring to before this show even started?"
Georgina: "You're right. I shall have to create a time machine."
SPECTATOR
Assistant: "Nate, that's such a good idea you had for that party here in the office where everybody dresses up in high school uniforms! But I wish that you had told me about it so that I could get everything ready. You naughty boy!"
Nate: "I am naughty. I don't even remember having that idea!"
Assistant: "Yeah, and you were saying it would be a good idea to have it catered by cater-waiters? Named Lola?"
Nate: "That was the best part of my plan."
Gossip Girl: "So if you were wondering if Nate were still smoking pot to the point of chronic retardation, the answer is yes."
PRADA
Ivy: "Uncle Rufus, hey! I was just in Europe, not answering my phone. Anyway, I need to talk to your wife about some secret things and then go back to Europe."
Rufus: "Could you please tell me also?"
Ivy: "No. You can't be trusted, and your sad trophy-wife need for affection and approval makes you a liability, so..."
Rufus: "That's true, and you're probably right. Anyway, just hang out here unattended until Lily comes back from DC, and you can have whatever secret conversations you want."
Ivy: "Sounds good!"
Rufus: "Because I have really important stuff to do today, too. Like, really important. And very secret."
Ivy: "...I said, sounds good."
Rufus: "No, I can't possibly tell you! Don't twist my arm!"
Ivy: "You are enough to make a person pretend they're off their meds again."
Rufus: "Apropos of nothing, let me tell you all about Blair Waldorf's prenuptial agreement and how it keeps her from being with any of the many people on this show that she's in love with."
Ivy: "See, like that's an example of how you can't be trusted to not just say whatever pops into your pretty little head."
Rufus: "Speaking of prenups, if I don't get things ready for Lily's perfect Valentine's Day, I... Well, let's just say I should get moving."
Ivy: "Wow, was that an actual funny joke on this show? Things really have changed since the last season and a half."
RESTAURANT OF LIES
Serena and Dan -- at this lovely restaurant to meet the Old Virgin and Agent Alessandra respectively -- have been stood up. Can Blair and Dorota, under concealment of disguises that do not disguise them in any way, be far behind?
Dan: "Serena, why did you stalk me to this restaurant?"
Serena: "I didn't. I am meeting an old crackpot lady to learn about life-long chastity. Why are you at this same restaurant?"
Dan: "Because I am meeting my literary agent, to discuss many literary notions."
Serena: "Well, don't choke on your veal, okay?"
Dan: "Um, okay. Hey, sorry I flaked on you after your heartfelt..."
Serena: "Whatever, dude. It's not like we just met. Very little that you do is actually surprising for anyone."
Waiter: "Have some complimentary Dom Perignon, you lovely couple!"
Old Lady/Alessandra: "We cancel our dates with you!"
Dan: "I feel like this is all just a bit coincidental..."
Serena: "Uh, the part where we both had simultaneous appointments at this one random restaurant, or the part where they both canceled?"
Dan: "Blair is trying to get me to go out with you."
Serena: "On the one hand, it's insulting and confirms my worst fears. On the other hand..."
Gulp! Where'd all that champagne go? Into Serena.
EMPIRE
Nate: "Man, you know how I'm stalking that girl to an uncomfortable degree and won't stop bothering and harassing her no matter how many times she asks me to do so?"
Chuck: "Yeah, it's only abusive when I do shit like that. I think it's your eyebrows."
Nate: "Anyway, she's so long-sighted that she actually asked her catering company not to source her to any Spectator parties."
Chuck: "As she's their only employee, I can only imagine what that means about your importance to them as a client. So here's what we're going to do. I'm already having five other parties in the hotel tonight, so what's one more?"
Nate: "You'd do that for me?"
Chuck: "You'll be wearing your old St. Jude's uniform, correct?"
Nate: "Right..."
Chuck: "So it's not really 'for' you as much as it's 'for,' um, everybody. Plus, I still don't really understand the difference between romance and being a huge asshole."
PERESTROIKA
Old People: "You two make the cutest couple!"
Dan & Serena: "That's crazy that you think we're a couple. Of course, neither of us have ever seen a movie or read a book, so we'll take that at face value and let our minds wander."
Water: "Complimentary dessert?"
Dan & Serena: "Obnoxiously cute old people... Fake dessert nobody else has on their table... Canceled lunches... Coincidences out the ass, really. Hey, do you think this is Blair's doing? Between the total lack of subtlety, the tone-deaf greeting-card 'romance' signifiers and the egregious amounts of money being pumped into this half-baked scheme, it bears all the earmarks."
The Jig: Is up, although it took a ridiculous amount of time to get there. Even for Serena and Dan.
BACK HOME
Blair: "I look really good in red. Let's pull out sixty dresses and scheme about how Nate's party will be the best way to send their Constance/St. Jude's hormones into overdrive."
Dorota: "[Whatever.]"
Blair: "...And now GG is saying that Nate's party is being moved to the Empire? And here I was looking forward to attending that heart charity fundraiser Creeper picked out, while simultaneously also manipulating Serena and Dan some more."
Dorota: "Frankly it would be worth it just to revisit her deranged concept of what a school uniform looks like."
GGHQ
Philip: "Explain to me what is now going on."
Georgina: "Well, Blair's not coming to the party if it's at the Empire, right?"
Philip: "I guess so. I get confused pretty easily."
Cartier: "Also, Ivy just showed up back in town. Maybe that will help in some way."
Georgina: "Since I'm a walking plot device and there's no security in any of these buildings, I will just teleport into the Bass-Humphrey home and random people will hand me pivotal information."
PRADA
Ivy: "Since I'm essentially also a walking plot device, can I interest you in some information about Blair Waldorf's prenuptial agreement?"
Georgina: "That was some very helpful information you just served me up for literally no reason whatsoever. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my husband to the same law firm so we can steal some files and figure out exactly what the deal is."
Ivy: "Cool, I'll just chill out here for the rest of the episode, telling any lunatic that wanders by just a little banal personal information about people I barely even know."
CHEZ WALDORF
Serena: "Setting me up with Dan like that? You must think I'm real fuckin' stupid, huh?"
Blair: "I'm not going to answer that. Did you notice the old couple?"
Serena: "Wait, they were also part of your huge lie?"
Blair: "Uh, yeah. Obviously. Anyway, since my attempts at mind control didn't work out, you want to be my date tonight? Cardiac Ball. Very not romantic. We can talk about our broken hearts while looking at people with actual broken hearts."
Serena: "That was more like the old Blair, for sure. Also kinda sociopathic."
Blair: "I roll hard, Shortie."
Serena: "Look. Dan's not into me. I need to figure that out and acknowledge it as the new reality."
Blair: "That would interfere with my plans where I will the two of you into dating. So, no."
EMPIRE
Dan: "I can't come to your dumb sui generis costume party that you didn't even think of."
Nate: "Daniel, I am right now pouring jello shots for us to slurp on. And did I mention the school uniforms?"
Dan: "Look, it's just really one of those days where the pressure of being me..."
GG: "Dear Dan, if you don't bring Blair to Nate's party tonight, I will tell everybody you're the one that broke Louis's heart, causing him to make Blair into his prisoner concubine."
Dan: "...I will definitely be at your party, Nate. Good talk."
Nate: "Nothing out of the ordinary happened just now, did it? Surely I would have noticed. Liquid jello tastes funny!"
PRADA
Ivy: "Rufus, for Christ's sake I've been waiting here all day. Where the hell is your wife?"
Rufus: "Aw, sorry! I was so busy being whupped and shopping at Henri Bendel and Sephora that I forgot to tell you that she is never coming home. Her flight was delayed so she's going straight to the Empire for our sex date. I guess I could have told you that, instead of just forgetting you entirely."
Ivy: "Yeah, that's about what I figured. Thanks for nothing, you."
CHEZ WALDORF
Dan appears and Blair assumes he's also coming after her about the setup earlier. She has been "getting ready" this entire time, but is still in a dressing gown and looks exactly the same as she has for most of today.
Dan: "Actually, I'm not bothered at all by your manipulations. I'm just here acting as Gossip Girl's agent so you won't find out what I did, which in retrospect was actually pretty terrible."
Blair: "[Lists random occurrences from early episodes that prove somebody involved with Season Five has at least heard of this show before.]"
Dan: "So somehow the possibility of getting me back together with Serena means you'll be my date to Nate's party that none of us were supposed to go to? Well, that was easy."
GGHQ
Philip & Georgina: "[List random words from the Waldorf-Grimaldi prenup for awhile.]"
Philip: "She owns a museum?"
Georgina: "Paydirt! I found the thing where a divorce would bankrupt the Waldorfs."
Philip: "And?"
Georgina: "So I'm going to get a picture of Blair and Dan making out, which will bankrupt the Waldorfs."
Philip: "But why is that..."
Georgina: "I don't need reasons for the things I do, Philip! I am a plot device!"
CARDIAC BALL/COME AS YOU WERE
St. Vincent is playing "Cruel" when Blair arrives, with Creeper and Serena in tow. Serena, of course, is wearing a sequined cardigan, necktie, thirty million bracelets and a wild side-eye. Not appropriate, but stunning nonetheless and definitely in line with her Constance outfits. Thence, upstairs to the Nate party, explaining to Creeper that this is unrelated to Chuck Bass in any substantial way. Of course, the elevator doors open on Chuck, wearing The Scarf and looking fantastic, and things get a little misty. That Black-Eyed Peas song that played the time Blair tried to kill S through field hockey is playing when they get there, and the Creeper bitches about how they're playing Spin The Bottle and it's all...
Hello, Nathaniel. It's been a while. Not even Lola is immune to the charms of Nate Archibald in a St. Jude's jacket, as he accosts her while she's trying to do her job and explains that basically the entire world is just The Matrix and wherever she goes he can find her because he and his fellow one-percenters have the secret cheat codes to everything so she'll never be safe.
As if by magic, Ivy somehow turns up -- apparently she bumped into Dan downstairs while his hipster ass was pretending to be into St. Vincent -- and Serena jumps up her skirt in that loud, weird way she always does with her fake cousin. Ivy's cagey and weird, also as usual, but lies that she went to Florida after the car accident for reasons that... Still don't come up in any way, even though she keeps promising to explain everything.
Blair randomly starts undressing Dan in the middle of the party and sends him after Serena, and he begs her to stop, and she pretends that he's just nervous about being in love with Serena: "Just be your charming, wonderful self, like you've been with me all year."
Dan: "You think I'm... wonderful?"
Blair: "Well, you've certainly been handy during my ongoing psychotic break. Plus the vows, and you saved me from my own wedding... If you're that guy with Serena, how could she not love you?"
Dan comes very close to kissing her, and she couldn't want it more, but right then GG texts him to kiss her, which ruins everything. He takes off to get self-righteous via text, and Blair gets enough ahold of herself that she goes to drag Serena back into the mix. This is the part where the entire episode becomes wonderful. Not just because of the Dan and Blair part, but because so much of the first half was getting the pieces in order so that the downward slide that starts here can just zoom on ahead without any time wasted.
CHARLIE VS CHARLIE
Lola notices Ivy, and runs over to have a little chat with her. As the only waiter at this event, it is of course her prerogative to sit down on a chaise longue and catch up with the girl who's been impersonating her lo these many months, and still nobody asks the salient questions about this scenario.
Like: "How is it possible that Nate is pulling the strings of this girl's actual livelihood, and yet still her name hasn't rung any bells for him? Are we meant to honestly believe that he hasn't even figured out her last name yet?"
Or: "Has this bitch seriously never heard of Gossip Girl? Or the newspaper? She never once wondered why she was constantly in the news?"
Or: "Why does everybody suddenly know Lola on every part of this show just from literally bumping into her in different locations?"
Or: "The fact that Ivy didn't immediately fucking bolt the second Lola started yelling her name, what is that about? Why is Ivy here at all? Why is any of this happening?"
MEANWHILE
Blair really overextends this time, telling Serena all these lies about how Dan was saying the spark was back and that it was worth pursuing. I mean, she was doing all the talking and it'd be very in-character if she just imagined the entire conversation going the way she wanted it to, but because this is like the third (and not the last) time poor stupid Serena's gotten her hopes up today, it comes across as unnecessarily cruel.
I mean, if Blair can't even admit that Dan is a possibility, then this whole situation assumes a different, and the correct, shape: It's telling the story it's telling us it's telling, which is that Dan/Louis was a shell game all along to keep Dan from getting between B and S, but it's reaching so far back into antiquity to even remember how Blair used to work, in a way where this makes sense: That girl who would force these situations into existence by sheer force of indomitable will, that girl who would do anything to save Serena, that girl whose loyalty was so twined up with her jealousy she couldn't ever be completely sure of her own motives... It seems like a lot to ask, to suddenly have that girl back. And that's to say nothing of the fear that she'll just vanish again.
PLOT MECHANICS
So while S is running off, all cheered up for the eightieth time that Dan's not going to pull the same shit as always, and Blair realizes that she still has Dan's necktie in her hand from when she was mussing up his hair and getting him all St. Juded up, Dan traces the sound of Gossip Girl's blasts to Chuck's room, where he finds Georgina (wearing the St. Jude's uniform we never once saw her wearing) and immediately realizes that A, she's Gossip Girl -- or her henchwoman -- somehow, and B, she no longer has any leverage over him, as far as selling Blair out to the Prince.
At this point Georgina throws herself on the mercy of the court, explaining in literal language that she is nothing but a walking plot device whose motivation for doing these things was to create shipper dynamics and foment drama and pretty much nothing that an actual person would ever think, feel or say, but that's been true of her for four seasons now so it's not prohibitively obnoxious to hear her say the words aloud.
It used to be nice about this show that, in a given scene, all the people were real. You knew where Jenny was coming from, but you also knew where Rufus was coming from. It was never Blair-the-Bitch or Dan-the-Loser, but both. Even Vanessa was a fully realized individual; even Nate was often more than a prop. And I think one of the things that drives people nuts about the show now is that that's no longer necessarily true.
The aesthetic has lost that sophistication, and become one where there's one real person in every scene, sometimes two if you're lucky, but mostly it's just characters as sounding boards and props for whatever story's being told. For a lot of viewers maybe that's not a huge difference -- Rufus was always an oppressive hypocrite, or Jenny was a whining bitch no matter what the story was about -- but it does have a huge impact on the overall tone of the show, and this is a perfect example:
You have a walking plot device explaining baldly that she is a walking plot device while in the midst of causing drama for no other reason than to do so, and that's supposed to fulfill the same narrative scope and emotional complexity of, say, the first Georgina storyline? No. It's campy, it's the sign of a show in decline, and it's not even that clever. Certainly not so very much as to justify its innate tackiness. It's a Supernatural move, I guess is a good way to say it. And this is probably the best episode of the past two seasons, in an ongoing stretch of really good work -- so trust me when I say it's not that big a deal -- but it is pretty emblematic of the reasons that might lie behind some of the more vociferous complaints.
Anyway, Georgina calls him a pussy sixteen different ways for not kissing Blair, and Blair surprises them in Chuck's bedroom, and then she closes the door behind her so she can give him the necktie back, and force Dan to tell her one more time that this isn't a setup that's going to humiliate Serena by overstating his interest in her. Since that's exactly what's going on, and they both know it, things get weird.
Dan: "Do you really want us to get back together?"
Blair: "I just want to you to be happy! Tell me what would make you happy, Dan."
Her voice cracks at the end, eyes searching his face wildly, all her old tics coming out again now that she's back to her old self, and he kisses the hell out of her, just like she wanted.
Behind them, the door cracks open again, but they don't notice. Georgina gets her shot and giggles, running off. Serena just shakes her head when Dan chases her, and Blair starts crying. It's pretty apocalyptic.
Alessandra flirts drunkenly with Chuck downstairs, taking a break from her Gal's Night Out to troll for some creepy Charlie Trout sex. Wait, so is this a St. Vincent performance that they're all hanging out at? I'm so confused. I thought it was the Cardiac Ball, but then why is Creeper chilling down in the Empire Bar? Oh well, anyway she's about ready to go.
Serena: "So is this about dicking with me, or is it payback, or taking things of mine away, or...?"
Blair: "Actually none of the above, this time. I actually don't have an explanation for my behavior. I'm as confused as you are."
Serena: "For a year supposedly about breaking my old patterns, I sure have fucked that up completely."
CHARLOTTE LIGHT & DARK
While Creeper finally just escorts Blair from the suite by hand, Ivy and Lola chill out and take their leisurely time catching up, almost as though daring the Fates to send any of the ten castmembers on this show that would be able to correctly identify the ruse in play and send the situation spiraling out of control. Of course, what the Fates send is the one person on the show who wouldn't put the pieces together, Nate Archibald, so they're fine. Ivy bounces, and Nate presses once again on the bruise of Lola's disinterest in his lifestyle -- it's still not cute, please treat women like people -- and then somehow Nate manages to put the whole thing together for Lola without ever actually understanding it himself.
Lola: "Why was Ivy Dickens here?"
Nate: "That's just a fake name! Her real name is Charlie Rhodes, she's my friend's cousin."
Lola: "I guess in addition to not having the internet or newspapers where I come from, I also didn't know that I have a cousin, or else I would put a stop to this right now. I make less and less sense as time goes on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to act all sketchy some more. These cocktail trays and crudite I should be passing aren't going to ignore themselves."
SO HARD FOR A RICH GIRL
Dan tries to wrestle the kissing photo out of Georgina's hands, and finally Georgie admits that she's Gossip Girl and that she just likes to see them squirm: The prenup, the marriage, the whole thing. So even if Blair likes him back, which she obviously has forever, there's nothing they can do without destroying Eleanor. Who apparently doesn't deserve it, because she's a great mom, brought to you by the Association For Eating Disorders Just Sometimes Go Away.
On a tear, Georgie now runs straight to Chuck to show him the picture too. I mean, it's his bedroom and I guess he has a right to know, but you'd think she'd be smarter than to poke that particular dragon until she was sure which way he'd jump. Maybe she's just off the chain and will start doing interesting things now?
Dan chases B down to her car, on fire with the news of the prenup, and she admits that she'll just be trapped for a year and she's not in love with Louis anymore, but that all the obstacles and burdens in the world, or lack thereof, don't change the fact that Serena is what matters in this equation, so happy Valentine's Day, and good luck with everything.
GGHQ
Philip: "Wait, explain things like one more time."
Georgina: "Like all my other blackmail leverage over Dan, this picture of him kissing B is meaningless because it's a swan song. Attacking Dan is the last thing I'll do as Gossip Girl, because he'll out me. So it has to be just right."
Philip: "So then... Wait, no. Explain it again."
Georgina: "Now, Dan knows that Blair loves him back. But they can't do anything about it, without getting Dan assassinated. So the more they can't, the more they'll want to. Eventually they will fuck. I will film it. Everybody dies at once, in a hail of bullets."
Philip: "You have stirred my dormant heterosexuality, spouse. Or perhaps it's just the fact that you -- Michelle Trachtenberg, who usually appears so very post-pubescent, and certainly not like a fourth grader playing dress-up -- are wearing a high school uniform, in which case I am a pervert. Let's pretend it's my birthday, or Christmas, and share a moderately vigorous sexual experience."
Georgina: "I am sexually dysfunctional for some reason, and cannot bear your touch. Why don't you go change our baby's diaper instead?"
Philip: "All women really are whores. That show Gossip Girl is so right."
THE END
Blair & Serena: "Oh, were you about to use our shared restroom while wearing a ridiculous nighttime costume? Have at it! Because I am angry!"
Dan: "Alessandra, our sexual relationship is about to be so mutually fulfilling. Now, tell me how best to destroy our friend Daniel Humphrey. Pay no attention to the hilariously sardonic way I talk."
Creeper: "I am either covering up Blair's face in this photo as I weep because I am in love with Louis, the secret Sabrina in this story that nobody ever knew about, or else I'm caressing her face while I weep because Creepy Obsessive Lesbian is the only cliché this show hasn't used more than three times already."
Lola: "Dear Charlotte Rhodes aka Ivy Dickens aka the girl I'm about to snatch bald, let's be friends on Facebook!"
QUESTIONS
Is: Lola on meds, or was that something Aunt Carol invented out of whole cloth?
If so: Will Lola ever go off those meds?
Could We: Possibly get two Charlie Interrupted stories out of this little scammeroonie?
And: Why doesn't Dan constantly tell the story about the time Ivy was all, "Call me Serena while you fuck me!"
And how come Ivy can't be that awesome all the time? That was one of the greatest non-Juliet moments this show ever had, but as with Georgie and a few other things I can think of -- Maureen "Manchurian Candidate" Vanderbilt, the underground collective of Ponzi-running supermodels, that insane psychologist that took Rufus's scarf and was dosing Lily with fake cancer, Damien Dalgaard going all Dennis Cooper Easton Ellis on little Eric -- the candle burned out long before the legend ever did.
VITAMIN WATER ESTATES
Nurse: "Charlie, did you get to tell your Aunt Lily about her mother's impending death?"
Ivy: "No, and it was a real hassle."
Nurse: "Well, you can say goodnight to CeCe if you want. She is looking real haggard."
Ivy: "I sure do love that imaginary grandmother of mine. I hope that's worth respecting in a few episodes when her ass dies and everybody suspects that I was just currying favor and/or am the crazy person that I clearly still am."
Nurse: "I just wish I knew more about her illness."
Ivy: "Cancer? Well, I've got Bing right here, let's look it up."
WEEK
CeCe dies, I bet, and Blair comes around somehow on the question of Dan, but it doesn't matter because Chuck will have had him eaten by dogs. Oh, and Lola goes into Witness Protection and/or buys a gun so Nate will stop nice-guy stalking her, because that is getting real fucking gross to watch.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.