Runaway Snide

S05E14

While Dan and Blair suffer the million slings and arrows of airport annoyances -- and eventually, cut-rate hotel stays -- everybody else swarms around like a stepped-on anthill trying to figure out where they went. Except for Serena, who could give a shit, and Nate, who is still trying to lock down that cater-waiter from Le Petit Oeuf. (Who, even after a second run-in with Lily at her house, and a long conversation about Aunt Carol, is still raising not a single red flag for anybody.)

Georgina spends the episode teleporting around New York, giving people clues and briefly imprisoning Dorota and acting a general mess, but eventually gives us the not-so-astonishing truth that she's only been GG since the accident, when Nate and Serena joined forces to take the old Girl down.

Blair spends a third of the episode crapping all over Dan's life, predictably, the second half contrite, and then -- after a comical series of moments in which, one by one, the entire cast somehow shows up at their hotel room door -- finally sells herself back into Monegasque slavery, there to await Prince Louis's future tuberculosis and/or the year specified in the prenup.

Thanks to a handy subclause in that very generous and protean document, Eleanor learns that she's liable for a sizeable dowry should Blair default on the wedding before that time. Chuck immediately offers to cover it, but Blair points out that he'd essentially be buying her from Louis, and God knows neither of them would ever sign on for something like that. ("He won't lay a hand on me," she promises, in a second unfortunate callback to darker days.)

So instead of a Dominican divorce, Blair remands herself back into the hateful arms of Prince Louis. And in case you thought this was somehow not about Serena, allow Serena to set you straight on this one: After all, running off with Dan is a betrayal tantamount to Dan looking S in the eye and basically asking her to stop stalking him. More interestingly, however, is the fact that Serena takes the heat for submitting that wedding-destroying video to GG... Despite not having done it. Will that breathtaking mystery continue for weeks and weeks to come? No, not really. It was Dan. Obviously, in retrospect.

Anyway, for a fabulously uneven season it was a fairly enjoyable, fast-paced hour of television that explored new territories -- no Big Party, interactions with the proletariat -- while bringing last week's high-flown insanity to a somewhat more grounded place. Props for finally switching out the Deal with God for the much more palatable Extortion of Eleanor, and for giving Dan some kind of story beyond not-so-secretly mooning over Blair and Lil' Abnering himself out of Serena's giantess embrace every five seconds.

Week: It's Valentine's Day, which apparently involves a dream sequence where this show stops fucking around with the possibility of actual, no-mistake Dair. We live in hope.

PREVIOUSLY

Serena, from atop a hotdog cart: "Okay, here I go. Wow, this is really intense. Whew, I'm really having to work up my courage to say this... Dan Humphrey, I have always been in love with you and I always will be."
Dan: "...What? Sorry, I wasn't listening because I don't care."

Louis: "Our marriage is a sham, just like you wanted."
Blair: "Janet Jackson ft. Joni Mitchell was right!"

WALDORF-GRIMALDI NUPTIALS

Serena: "Everybody? Have you seen Blair?"
Everybody: "Well, the reception for her wedding just ended, so I'm guessing she's on her way to the hotel to rest up for their honeymoon flight to Bali."
Serena: "But have you seen her? Around?"

Rufus: "I am married too! We danced!"
Lily: "Well, that's one word for it. But yeah, no. No Blair."

Serena: "How about you, Eleanor?"
Eleanor: "Wherever she is, I bet she's miserable."
Serena: "That goes without saying, probably. She has become the Worst."

Louis: "[Whatever.]"
Serena: "Aren't you supposed to be gone by now?"
Louis: "[Essentially, Blair is in the WC and he's doing the receiving line himself, like would absolutely never happen in real life -- unless the marriage was a sham. Ah.]"
Serena: "Okay, well, I'm going to keep looking for her and delay you further."

CASA SPARKS-HUSBAND

Georgina: "Man, that wedding I did nothing to ruin sure didn't get ruined."
Philip: "Am I gay? Is that... Has it been confirmed that I'm gay? I can't remember."
Georgina: "Not even people who are at the reception are capable of figuring out that Blair left early, but somehow I totally can tell. Therefore, something is wrong."
Philip: "Don't you ever sleep? Being married to you is like being married to Nikki Finke but with less cats and more Ozma's Royal Guard outfits."
Georgina: "Uh, coke. Duh."

Actually, verbatim:

Phillip: "Aren't you exhausted?"
Georgina: "On the contrary. I've never felt more invigorated!"

...Coke. Actually, I bet being Gossip Girl comes with a shitload of drugs as part of the deal. That would explain a lot.

Exhibit A: Poor Little Orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.

By Jacob Clifton

Conclusion: Write drunk, edit sober, don't ever do coke when you're working.

WALDORF-GRIMALDI NUPTIALS

Serena: "Chuck, have you seen Blair and why are you even here?"
Chuck: "No, but have you looked everywhere? Even the roof?"
Serena: "Yeah, because of that movie The Hangover that came out when we were in high school. I also climbed through an air duct."
Chuck: "Well, while you were doing that I was just lurking. Oh, a voicemail from the Empire. Seems Blair has turned up there, just as I always knew she would."
Serena: "I have her phone for some reason. And a video camera. Turns out a whole slew of technology will fit in my giant purse. I think maybe I have a problem with stealing things that don't belong to me."

Dan: "Huh? Oh sorry. Wasn't listening."

LOADING DOCK

Lola: "Oh my God, are you stalking me?"
Nate: "I have fallen in love with you for literally no reason. Let me help you with the cleanup of this huge wedding and reception for which you are solely responsible."
Chuck: "Are you seriously still trying to sleep with this random girl? Doing manual labor, at that?"
Nate: "I got so stoned before Blair's wedding that I started freaking out and I figured I should just dedicate myself to a task."

Serena: "We just came down to the loading docks for no reason. But since we're here, I might as well tell you Blair is at the Empire and we're going there."
Lola: "Well, the streets are filled with paparazzi, so it might be hard to get there."
Serena: "No, they aren't. We keep cutting to the exterior of this hotel and there's nobody there."
Lola: "They are invisible. Those new wolves-on-motorcycles paparazzi. But luckily I know a shortcut for caterers."
Serena: "Chuck, knock this random girl out and we'll use her van to get to your hotel."
Lola: "I will happily drive you, because you people are insane and I want to see what happens ."
Serena: "Thanks, random girl."
Nate: "I will come along, and later on we will do it."

THIS ONE HALLWAY

Sophie: "What's it like on the other end of this one short hallway?"
Louis: "Pretty much like it is where you're standing. Let's talk on the phone about it for a long time even though you're like five yards away and we might as well be doing semaphore based on how obvious we're being."
Sophie: "Hey, have you seen your wife? I noticed she's not in this hallway with us."
Louis: "Well, I may have threatened her at the very beginning of the reception for no real reason except to be creepy. I guess maybe she ran off."
Sophie: "Probably we should find her. I'm going to go bother Eleanor."

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Blair! I'm here! Show yourself!"
Georgina: "Just kidding, it was me the whole time! I said I was Blair Waldorf, and they let me into your apartment just like they would if I was anybody else on Earth."
Chuck: "My security is once again for shit."

Nate, aside: "This is Georgina Sparks. She's pretty much the worst person you'll ever meet, so just avoid eye contact at all times."
Lola: Stares at her like she is a cobra or ever does anything.
Georgina: "Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious? I saw Blair hightail it out of the reception without her Frog Prince, so I came here to help. The first thing I did to help was lie to your security in order to distract all of you from looking for her. I am so helpful!"
Nate: "I wish you were dead, Georgina Sparks."
Everybody: "So be of use! What do you know about Blair's intentions?"
Georgina: "I know nothing. And yet somehow, you need my knowledge."

Gossip Girl: "Looks like everyone wants to know where the royal bride ran to!"
Everyone: "Yes, Gossip Girl. That is what is happening."

AIRPORT

Blair: "My plan is to run away to the Dominican Republic, which at one point I dimly remember had a thing where you can get a divorce or something. Elizabeth Taylor got a divorce there."
Dan: "What would be funnier is if you went to a dude ranch in Reno. Listen, am I driving you around the city because of Chuck? Or is there some other reason, such as we are in love?"
Blair: "Since you didn't ask, I would like to reiterate that Chuck didn't send that video to Gossip Girl."
Dan: "The fact that you said that means this video mystery is still in play, I guess."
Blair: "Well, I'm blaming that video for Louis going insane on me."
Dan: "You mean the video where you said you weren't in love with him and have been dicking him around for the last year? Yeah, he's a real looney-tunes for being upset by that."
Blair: "Whatever. The important thing is that I don't have my passport or any money or identification, so I'm assuming getting a flight out of the country should be easy as pie."
Dan: "So... This whole episode just fell apart, huh?"

By Jacob Clifton

Airplane Lady: "Let me see if I can find a random flight to the Dominican Republic, hang on."
Blair: "What is the holdup, Humphrey? People are starting to stare at me. Probably I'm standing here in a giant wedding dress with my hair looking drowned. Pretty soon somebody is going to take note!"
Dan: "Okay, the lady is just getting you a ticket. Stop yelling at me."
Blair: "You don't understand! The Grimaldis will pull strings in the DR to keep me from getting a divorce!"
Dan: "And yet the lady is getting you a ticket, so stop yelling at me."
Gawkers: "Is that Princess Blair? Damn, her hair looks drowned."
Blair: "IT BEGINS!"

Blair: "Little girl, I'm going to be a bitch to you until you trade clothes with me."
Girl: "Uh, that doesn't sound fun at all. Hey, aren't you the recently married Princess of Monaco? That would explain the dress and how you're Blair Waldorf, a local celebrity that is constantly on Gossip Girl."
Blair & Dan: "Unconvincingly enough, no."
Girl: "On closer inspection, no. Blair Waldorf's hair has bounce and volume. And the Prince is about ten times hotter than this guy, who is also a local celebrity and yet I don't recognize him."
Dan: "Hey!"
Girl: "Uh, then get a haircut. You look like Oscar Wilde's houseboy."
Blair: "Fuck you, you poor piece of trash. Now, about that favor I asked you..."

Blair: "...So that went well."
Dan: "God, Blair. And it was such a good plan, too."
Blair: "I am not insulted, whatever she may say. Now give me your credit card."
Dan: "No questions asked."
Blair: "They do extend credit to people from Brooklyn, right?"
Dan: "Keep it coming, Waldorf. The thing I most hated about Serena was the way she treated people like a normal human being."

Dan, alone for a moment, takes a call from Serena in a hilariously fake-calm fashion. It is one of the best moments of the entire episode.

Dan: "Oh hey Serena, whazzup? No big deal, just chilling. What do you want?"
Serena: "Dan, I'm SO SORRY I disappeared from that reception, leaving you all alone without me, the love of your life. I have prepared a lie to tell you about why, rather than telling you the truth, for some reason..."
Dan: "--I didn't notice that you were gone, because I don't care. But since you're not at the reception, I'm also going to lie for no reason and say I'm there. Oh, and Blair left. But absolutely not with me."
Serena: "Let's keep lying to each other for no reason as long as it takes Blair to max out your credit card."

By Jacob Clifton

Dan: "Listen, don't even bother coming back to the reception. I don't give a shit about you, so there's really no reason."
Serena: "Okay, I guess. But hey, remember how I told you I was in love with you?"
Dan: "Are you looking for Blair or not?"
Serena: "Hint, I'm not great at worrying about other people. So as long as you're on the phone, could you give me an answer?"
Dan: "No, I have to pee."

Literally. And then he just hangs the hell up.

EMPIRE

Serena: "Well, I just talked to Dan. And you guys, he will not give me an answer on..."
Everybody: "-- Focus, Serena. Where is Blair?"
Serena: "I think she left with Louis? He said?"
Georgina: "He is lying. He is a liar. We already know this."
Serena: "I thought this whole Finding Blair thing was going to be more fun, but so far it seems to be way more about Blair than about me."

AIRPORT

Cleverly, Blair has disguised herself in an I ♥ NY shirt and hoodie as protective coloration, as real New Yorkers are trained by life to overlook those people entirely.

Dan: "We are learning so much about airports that we didn't know previously, like what a passport is or how I can't get a ticket for you because I am not you. So now you actually have to approach the ticket desk and take care of your own business like this one time."
Blair: "It does seem remarkably dumb that an episode entirely about you 'helping' me seems to mostly involve you talking to people on my behalf while I'm simply standing there like an idiot."
Airplane Lady: "So yeah, just show me your passport, which people have been using to travel between countries since World War I."
Dan & Blair: "...What now? We don't know what one of those is."

Airplane Lady: "Okay, well, then you can't get on the plane. It's really quite simple."
Blair: "What about this newspaper that has my face on it? Will that serve as legal identification?"
Airplane Lady: "Maybe, as long as nobody questions the legality of it."
Girl From Before: "She's not the real Blair Waldorf!"
Airplane Lady: "Oh, and you were so close to getting on that airplane."
Girl From Before: "And look at Dan Humphrey's horrible hair and gaunt form!"
Dan: "It is not my fault that I have become a pube-headed Jack Skellington. It is Jeff Buckley's fault for dying."

By Jacob Clifton

Blair, ver-fuckin-batim: "Great. Now I need a passport to prove I'm me?"
Reality: "Was that supposed to be, like, a joke? Are you mentally retarded?"
Blair: "Season Five. Nobody knows for sure."

Blair: "If that stupid video had never come out, none of this would have happened!"
Dan: "You mean, if 'somebody' hadn't shown Louis that video of you cuckolding him, then passports wouldn't be necessary for international travel?"

Blair: "If only there was a way to retrieve my passport, I could use that as documentation to prove my identity!"
Dorota: "...Something tells me I'm about to have a purpose on this show for a second."

EMPIRE

NJBC: "So Dan said one thing, and Georgina said another thing..."
Georgina: "Why do you automatically assume that I'm the one lying?"
Serena: "Please, you have less of a personality than Prince Louis at this point. Lying is one of your only qualities or traits. Also, why are you here?"
Chuck: "Word. I'm calling security."

Phillip text: PS, Dorota just went to Blair's house to get her passport.

Georgina, awesomely: "No need for security! The jig is up! Ya caught me, I been lying. I don't know what to say. I'm bored and my DVR is empty. Listen, I can normally keep this up for hours, but I have a kid now, and his Mommy & Me group is way more fun to mess with than you guys so later!"

Serena: "She's so weird! It's almost like that text was a clue. Anyway, how you doin', little guy?"
Chuck: "I feel dumb for assuming she would run straight to me. And now that she'll obviously assume I sent that video, it's all over between us."
Serena: "Do you ever get tired of breaking up with her every five seconds for dumb reasons?"
Chuck: "Clearly I do not."

Louis Text on Blair's Phone which Serena has: Where the hell are you? Get back here this instant!
Serena: "Wow, Louis is kind of a dick. I didn't even know he could text in English. Maybe he's been this rude the whole time, and nobody could tell because of his gross marble-mouthed way of speaking."
Chuck: "Oh, that reminds me, I've been meaning to congratulate you on enunciating this season."
Serena: "Ever since that Eliza Doolittle dream I've been practicing my helocution. Finally it's beginning to bear fruit. The rrrrain in Spain falls mainly on the..."
Chuck: "Let's just go find Blair, okay?"

PRADA

Where the mothers of the couple have repaired, with those irrepressible buckets of fun they call the Basses.

Sophie: "I am on pills! Let's keep getting jiggy until such time as Blair shows up or calls."
Eleanor: "Yeah, you're like vibrating."
Sophie: "Too bad that the men in our lives are such bores!"
Rufus: "Hey, I'm still here!"

Awkward.

Rufus: "...And I'm fairly certain that Lily and I weren't boring when we closed out the dance floor to 'Moves Like Jagger'!"

Just. Stop.

Lily: "I've been in this scene for far too long. I'm going to head upstairs for about half of this episode, nominally to change shoes."
Rufus: "I'm going to open more wine. It is my lot in life to do this and only this."
Sophie: "That's crazy how the couple left their reception, like people do."
Eleanor: "I don't know how they do it in Lichtenberg, but here that's what goes down."
Sophie: "I have an idea! Let's wreck their wedding night and have them come here. In Guilderflorin we have a custom called the Shivaree where everybody watches them do it while banging pots and pans."
Eleanor: "I don't know how they do it in Frankensteinbaad, but here we just get drunk and leave them alone. The futile and creepy pressure to fuck spectacularly is implied."
Sophie: "In my native land of Fillory we have a custom called Prima Nocta, where... Let's just say I need to get Blair on the phone so there isn't any confusion."

Eleanor: "Look, you dwarf, I'm not calling my daughter. Just drink some wine and stop talking. Or you know what, I'm going to leave. I just realized Lily's never coming downstairs and I'll be damned if I get stuck with you two."
Sophie: "But Rufus has just opened le bottle of wine! Allow me to instruct you on matters of etiquette, such as now we have to stay here. And call Blair."

AIRPORT

Dan: "Hey, Rufus? Don't tell anybody, but..."
Rufus: "-- Whoops, I already told. You should know better than that."
Dan: "Look, just stall Sophie, whom I know is there with you even though that makes no sense."
Rufus: "Sure, nothing better than hanging out with Eleanor and Sophie knowing Lily is never, ever coming back down those stairs."
Dan: "Just don't fuck this up."
Rufus: "Dan, I don't think Blair should be dragging you into her Dominican schemes. I've never liked that girl."
Dan: "Your passive aggression is noted. In perpetuity."

By Jacob Clifton

AIRPORT

Blair: "I have nearly killed our one remaining phone in calling Dorota."
Dan: "Okay, well while you were doing that I told Rufus everything."
Blair: "That motherfucker? Are you insane? Rufus ruins EVERYTHING."
Dan: "I am my father's son."
Blair, verbatim: "I'm sure he's already told my mother, which means everyone will instantly know that she knows. She refuses to get Botox. Her face is an emoticon!"

Dan: "Look, I still don't understand the urgency here. And every time you try to explain it, what comes out is just one long shriek."
Blair: "You know what they did to Charlene Wittstock when she tried to run -- and she was an Olympian."
Dan: "You're kind of awesome in this episode. It's like you've have a head injury since Paris, with just these occasional jaunts out into clever lucidity."
Blair: "Won't last. Never does."

CHEZ WALDORF

Georgina: "Hey, Dorota. I see you're packing a bag with Blair's clothes and passport?"
Dorota: "Hey, Georgie. I see you got all the way into a back bedroom without security noticing. Again."
Georgina: "Anyway, I'm going to lock you in a closet. Which actually is kind of fair, because of that time your husband abducted me and left me in Russia."
Dorota: "When you put it like that, you're not even that especially psychotic compared to the rest of us."
Georgina: "Plenty of people often seem to enjoy the idea of Georgina Sparks, even without me ever actually doing anything interesting."

PRADA

Sophie: "Still no word from Blair?"
Eleanor: "No, huh-uh, because like I already told you, she has no reason to call me. I'm sure they're in an airplane to Bali by now."
Sophie: "LIAR!"
Eleanor: "...Bitch, what now?"
Sophie: "Prince Louis has been sitting impotently in a limo downstairs this whole episode! He is not an airplane with Blair! And if you don't find her, I will make you pay her dowry!"
Eleanor: "What an antiquated notion."
Sophie: "No, just an antiquated appellation. What I mean is, remember the prenup?"
Eleanor: "Why would I have read that? Or either of my lawyer husbands? Even though there was an entire goddamn episode where we all read it, I mean."

Sophie: "Yeah, I'm out. You're forcing me to use other methods."
Rufus: "Oh yeah? Like what."
Sophie: "Like going to the media! By embarrassing my son with the news that his bride has disappeared, I will save him from the embarrassment of the media finding out that his bride has disappeared!"
Rufus: "Sounds like a plan."
Eleanor: "Sounds like a Rufus Plan."
Lily: "Kinda sounds like a Serena Plan, actually."

EMPIRE

Nate: "Now that the people this show is actually about are gone, can I offer you a martini?"
Lola: "Nate, I'm a blue-collar kinda gal. I like my beer cold and my dudes semi-gay."
Nate: "This is your lucky night, little fella."
Lola: "Okay but first I have to take this call from my employer in the middle of the night. I'm the only employee, so it's a pretty on-call situation."
Nate: "Cool, I'll go get you a beer from a foot away."

Lola: "Aunt Carol? This is your daughter, lying to you."
Nate, from a foot away: "Oh my God, she's a liar."

Lola: "Just my boss, like I was saying. I should probably be working, for I am so poor and blue-collar, but hey. So about that beer?"
Nate: "Get the fuck out, liar. I'm taking away your beer. Beer is for truthers, not liars."
Lola: "Okay, I guess I'll go deliver those centerpieces in the middle of the night then."

AIRPORT

CNN: "Princess Blair Waldorf has lost her fucking mind! Nothing she does makes any sense and it's kind of insulting! It's been going on since last season, but her idiot husband has finally noticed. We go live, to him speaking incomprehensibly."
Louis: "Argle-bargle-blee-bloo."
CNN: "If you know where Blair is, rat her out!"

Everybody: Immediately starts taking pictures of them while they have a long conversation and leave the airport in full view of everyone on Earth.

Dan: "So wait, I thought they wanted to avoid embarrassment. That was the crux of this episode."
Blair: "No, that is no longer it. Don't say it's a plot-hole when it's not a plot-hole! This way, they can spin it so I look crazy..."
Dan: "-- That's not embarrassing?"
Blair: "-- And then when they find me, they can stop me from getting a divorce! It's the perfect plan!"
Dan: "But how does that make any..."
Blair: "-- Humphrey! Instead of leaving New York, let's go back into the city and get a hotel room. Nobody will think to look for us there! Exactly where we just came from!"

By Jacob Clifton

AIRPORT

Everybody: Immediately starts taking pictures of them while they have a long conversation and leave the airport in full view of everyone on Earth.

CHEZ WALDORF

Serena: "Maybe Blair is in this closet!"
Chuck: "I doubt that, but you do know her pretty well..."
Serena: "Well, she wasn't under the chesterfield, and I already checked the top of the fridge."

Dorota: "Mr. Chuck! I get bamboozled! Somehow! By skinny little person, off-camera. And Prince Louis call me to say he lock Blair up in high tower with yellow wallpaper..."
Chuck: "-- Whatever. Just give us the smallest amount of words necessary to continue this charade of a wild goose chase."
Dorota: "Elizabeth Taylor..."
Serena: "-- Blast it! She's going to the Dominican Republic to have a divorce degree judgment that will then be authenticated by a consular officer at the US embassy!"

Dorota & Chuck: "...Huh."
Serena: "Sometimes I can do that."

EVIL

Georgina: "Follow that car Serena and Chuck are taking to the airport, where Blair still is not! And thence to the hotel, while I upload this information to the website Gossip Girl!"

Grimaldis, verbatim: "Looks like we succeeded in finding Blair by using the press. Photos of her with the airport are surfacing all over the Internet! And yet it is Gossip Girl that is going to tell us where she actually is."

By Jacob Clifton

HOTEL

Blair: "I think the desk clerk recognized me!"
Dan: "Yeah, you were being a bitch to him, so that could explain the look in his eyes."
Blair: "I was going to be a princess! And instead now I'm in this hotel with your scummy ass!"
Dan: "Blair, please stop being mean to me."
Blair: "No! Thank you for nothing!"
Dan: "I'm going to ask you one more time to chill. Even though I like nothing less than being with an unstable girl, prodding her into extreme heights of insecurity and drama, so I can feel like the hero."
Blair: "My wedding is ruined!"
Dan: "Feel this chemistry! It is electric!"
Blair: "Get out!"

It's all very snappy and Hepburn/Bogart.

Blair: "Why are you yelling at me on my big day?"
Dan: "Uh, when my book was released you ripped into my asshole for no reason and then didn't even read the book."
Blair: "Oh, I read the book. You gross masturbator."
Dan: "I don't feel like you are a very good friend."
Blair: "Well look who just fuckin' showed up to that conversation."
Dan: "I'm going to go. It's become even more unrealistic than usual that anyone could possibly care about you in any way."
Blair: "Good! Thanks for all your help this whole time, you unmitigated pussy!"

Knock-knock.

Blair: "That's not a Dorota knock. She's a stickler for 'Shave & A Haircut.' Any cliché, really, Dorota's down. She's a simple soul."

PRADA

Lily & Eleanor: "This mystery of Blair's whereabouts makes me wonder if she's lost her shit. Again. Or still."
Rufus: "Mmmmmmahhh! Fine, she's at a hotel with Dan. I've known the whole time. Not telling you was really hard! Because of my self-righteousness!"
Eleanor: "Oh whatever. It's not like anybody expects better of you. But what you don't know is that there are financial consequences in play."
Lily: "Oh shit, girl. Now I'm listening."

HOTEL

Serena & Chuck: "You're in a hotel room with Dan Humphrey? How unforeseen!"
Blair & Dan: "Yeah, it's been no good. We're both kind of at our worst. And best."

Serena & Dan: "Wait, why did you lie to me about where you were and what you were up to?"
Dan & Serena: "It's because I don't like her having a relationship with you. It makes everything weird."

By Jacob Clifton

Georgina: "It's me! Georgina Sparks!"
Everybody: "Why?"
Georgina: "No reason! Georgina out!"

Serena: Drops her giant purse. All technology comes flying out of it like a Best Buy cornucopia.
Georgina: "Like a technological horn of plenty!"
Serena: "I guess this means the video thing was my fault."
Everybody: Cares.

PRADA

Rufus: "Lily, I'm sorry I didn't spill the beans for five whole minutes."
Lily: "This isn't my first rodeo with you, I know better than to expect anything other than you ruining everything. Plus, neither of us care about Blair at all, so it's not a huge deal."
Rufus: "Oh, like Eleanor does?"
Lily: "Well, at least you told her their exact location, so that once again everybody on this entire show except us can be in one stressful location."
Lola: "Hi, I'm the only employee of that caterer-slash-flower delivery service you called to ask if I could steal some shit from somebody else's wedding."

Lily: "You look like the kind of girl that should have Nate Archibald whored out to you."
Lola: "The coincidences. They accrete."

HOTEL

Everybody: "Serena! It was you that sent that thing to the thing?"
Serena: "I guess so."
Blair: "Yet again you conspire to ruin my life!"
Serena: "I feel like running away with Dan was your way of hurting me."
Blair: "We are a couple of self-centered bitches."

Sophie: "I am also here! You're not going to any Republic, Dominican or otherwise!"
Blair: "What's this now. Today is the worst."
Sophie: "If you don't stay married to my son for a year, I will send your mother to the poorhouse! I'm talking about a dowry!"
Chuck: "What an antiquated notion!"
Sophie: "Oh, I just meant the prenup."
Chuck: "The prenup? You mean one of those legal agreements that's invalidated by an annulment?"
Blair: "Chuck, stop helping. I can make my life hell for no reason without your 'logic' and 'common sense.'"

HOTEL BAR

Dan: "I got as far as this hotel bar before I pussed out."
Serena: "I can see that. Well, fuck you."
Dan: "Serena, I ran off with Blair and lied to you about it for one simple reason. I don't give a shit about you. This story is not about you. This has nothing to do with you."
Serena: "I see your point. And yet, I can't help feeling like this is about me."
Dan: "Why are you like this?"
Serena: "I guess that's your answer, then."
Dan: "...To what?"

HOTEL BAR

Dan: "If you're looking for Serena, she's gone. It's just me, hanging out in this random hotel bar for no reason."
Blair: "Actually, I was looking for you, to thank you for taking care of me this last month. Enabling my insane behavior, escorting me to that fly-by-night priest that gave me such bad advice, driving me around town, constantly scheming with Chuck and Louis to humiliate me, and talking to the airplane lady even though I was standing right there."
Dan: "It was nothing. It was less than nothing. Literally."
Blair: "I also know you wrote those vows that we never actually got to see him say."
Dan: "[Gobbledegook.]"
Blair: "[Similar.]"
Dan: "I'm glad we're friends again. And you're being so nice! I wish you could be like this for..."
Blair: "-- Your hair looks like a merkin and you're a terrible writer who will die alone."
Dan: "Yeah, no wonder every guy on this show is in love with you."
Blair: "But I'm not done being crazy for the night, so I need you to back me up no matter what ass-head stupid shit I pull ."
Dan: "Always."

LOADING DOCK

Lola: "Oh my God, Nate Archibald. We keep meeting like this! By coincidence!"
Nate: "Not this time. Lily called me."
Lola: "That old lady has taken an unhealthy interest in my sex life."
Nate: "That is my entire storyline, usually."
Lola: "So about the mom lie. I lied to her because she is a bitch."
Nate: "My mom's a bitch too. Depending on the episode. Sometimes she's just a boozed-up neurasthenic."
Lola: "My crazy family! She thinks I'm at Michigan State. That's the doom shit she was hinting at with Peepers that time."
Nate: "My cousin tried to have me killed. It resulted in a miscarriage, and my friend lost her mind and still hasn't recovered. It's just snakes and blown-out speaker buzz in there now. But that's nothing compared to Michigan State."
Lola: "I'm not sure I want to be a rich person anymore."
Nate: "That's too bad, because I think my internet blogazine media thing is really going to take off."

FRENCH LEGATION? CHEZ WALDORF?

Eleanor: "Prince Louis! Where is your mother!"
Louis, smug: "[Responds in the negative.]"
Eleanor: "Well, you tell her that I figured out where Blair is, and she can go fuck herself. I don't care if I'm going to the poorhouse. Nobody controls us."
Louis, smug: Smugs.
Blair, appearing: "Actually, the Royal Family of Monaco controls us."
Eleanor: "But wait, why?"
Blair: "I am going to be married to Louis for the year. I decided."
Eleanor: "That's not an answer to the question."
Blair: "There is no answer to the question. I am doing a ludicrous, seemingly self-sacrificing thing for literally no reason, despite having numerous, easily accomplished, clearly marked options for how to solve the problem."
Dan: "And I'm helping!"

Blair and Louis get in their limo and leave in front of a bunch of paparazzi; Blair has the gall to pretend that any of this isn't exactly what she wanted from the jump.

GOSSIP GIRL HQ

Phillip: "Wait, you're posting a video of Blair with Louis? What about the photo you took of the whole NJBC at that hotel?"
Georgina: "No, she's back with Louis now so that wouldn't ruin anything. But I still know the answer to the question on absolutely nobody's mind! Who sent that video to me!"
Phillip: "But you can't reveal your source, because nobody would submit tips to GG!"
Georgina: "That line of dialogue makes literally no sense. That's come up like twice already this season, and was in fact a pivotal plotpoint in a episode that eventually went nowhere."
Phillip: "So wait, are you really Gossip Girl?"
Georgina: "No, of course not. That wouldn't make any sense at all."

OUTSIDE

Chuck: "I still don't get it. She's acting crazy. Do you think maybe she has that thing where the bugs that live in cats' stomachs has taken over her brain?"
Serena: "Toxoplasmosis? No, I think she's just regular crazy."

Chuck & Serena: "Wait, if you didn't send the video to Gossip Girl, then who did? That is the person who was trying to save her life. Or ruin it. Or move the plot forward another inch."

Dan: "I guess it was me. That makes sense, actually."

WEEK

Blair: "Daniel Humphrey, let's make our relationship work!"
Just: Kidding.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

By Jacob Clifton

OUTSIDE

Chuck & Serena: "Wait, if you didn't send the video to Gossip Girl, then who did? That is the person who was trying to save her life. Or ruin it. Or move the plot forward another inch."

Dan: "I guess it was me. That makes sense, actually."

WEEK

Blair: "Daniel Humphrey, let's make our relationship work!"
Just: Kidding.