S x S

S05E12

As much as you maybe didn't like last week's episode, this one was absolutely brilliant on basically every level: Better than even the worst episode could be bad. Hearkening back to the show's classic early-years themes and blatantly rewriting motifs toward a post-God future, it's got everything: Dan being self-absorbed and wonderful, Serena doing Plans and being a creepster, Tripp and Nate having their showdown, Blair getting adorable and drunk and acting astonishingly like Blair, all of it.

So the deal is that Beatrice has been helping Blair deal with the miscarriage side of things, and thus been invited into the wedding as a bridesmaid. But Beatrice is still working with Father Cavalia to bring them down so that she can be princess -- which plan becomes more critical when Blair reveals she intends to remove Cavalia as the family priest once the wedding is done.

That wacky pair of jerks rewrite her bachelorette and take her out to a shot bar, where she gets caught with a joint after trying to grab a cop's gun. (This part was fantastic, with large thanks to director Amy Heckerling.) Somewhere in the middle of all this Beatrice decides she likes Blair after all and tries to call the whole thing off, but Cavalia's now called in the big artillery to ruin the wedding week. Artillery with names like "Chuck" and "Georgina Sparks."

The only person who sees Chuck's hand in this last-ditch attempt is, of course, Dan Humphrey, but he's got problems of his own: Serena is taking their pretend romance exactly as seriously as we feared, and it's impacting his writing career. Turns out the options for his second book narrow greatly when it's his UES romance getting hyped, and since Serena's inaugural column is about their relationship, both past and present, he's put in a sticky place.

Also in a sticky place w/r/t the column is Nate, who's forced by GG to delay Serena's publication as they try to figure out who tried to murder him. End of the day, though, it's a Serena Plan that forces GG and Tripp to solve the murder without anyone getting hurt, and Tripp finally confesses for what he did. In retaliation for always pitting them against each other, Nate decides to buy back The Spectator from William and, once again, prove himself as his own man.

In the end, Blair's a happy camper: After all, she found Louis's vows and they have settled her mind about the entirety of her relationship, being as they are so romantically key to understanding her as a woman. And so she lets Serena off the hook, going into Wedding Day, for the fake-dating of Humphrey.

Just two problems: Serena has no intention of letting her fake boyfriend go, as long as there's a chance she can still win him for herself... And it was Dan who wrote the vows.

I'm not going to lie, there was so much to love here. Meester turned the motherfucker out, and the show treated both Blair and Serena like people for the first time in a hundred years. That last reveal took my breath away, and the twists were rock solid and believable. If this is the status quo the car accident was setting up, then we are about to be treated to one of the finest half-seasons this show's ever produced. And if not, this one still belongs in the all-time Top Five. I am speechless in admiration, to be honest, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed it, too.

PREVIOUSLY

Blair miscarried her baby and subsequently lost her goddamn mind. Chuck and Louis decided she was having an affair with Dan -- which is simply ludicrous that that would ever happen, right -- and so Serena decided to help with one of her weirdest helpful plans ever, essentially leveraging Blair's insanity to blackmail Dan into fake-dating her. In other news, a vast conspiracy of blond cheekbones has arrayed to destroy Nathaniel Archibald, who never did anyone any harm, meaning that he must now ally with Gossip Girl against the awesome powers of Serena's GOOSIP Girl Army.

NOW

I never thought about it but having the episodes start without Gossip Girl's drug-addled nonsense has been more of a tonal issue than you might have imagined. But now she's back. And what the fuck is she talking about? Nobody knows.

Chuck: "Good morning, Nate. Let's agree that you look like hell even though really you look perfect as usual."
Nate: "I have read my entire website magazine media portal thing and I can't figure out my impending murder. Perhaps Xtina Aguilera is to blame."
Chuck: "She better switch me chairs. What of your friendship with that fume-inhaling cave witch, Gossip Girl? Sometimes you have to bed down with unlikely partners."
Nate: "I don't want to talk about Dan. Review instead for me your troubled relationship with Blair, at length."
Chuck: (Does.)

Blair's doorman alerts Chuck to the fact that she is luncheoning with the horrific Beatrice, her future sister-in-law, and he leaves to do some kind of dirt.

Nate: "There's a fine line between surveillance and stalking, Charles."
Chuck: "Enthusiastic consent is a comforting lie created by sociology majors."

Chuck leaves; Nate chokes back a tear and texts Gossip Girl. In his blood!

WALDORF

Beatrice: "Sorry I'm so awful and at your house."
Blair: "I'm so happy that we're sisters. Thanks for taking care of me in the absence of any of my friends noticing that I had a miscarriage."
Beatrice: "I'm sorry something so sad made us be friends."
Blair: "Well, and the complete downward spiral of my basic mental faculties. How would you like to be a bridesmaid in my wedding to your brother, like would obviously have already been decided?"
Beatrice: "Really? But I'm so repulsive!"
Blair: "Have you met my minions? Trust me, you'll fit right in. And you're coming to the bachelorette party."
Beatrice: "A real American bachelorette party? Like in the movies?"
Blair: "Ugh. Sure, whatever. Serena planned it, so it's likely some kind of intervention or pop-up fashion show. But we live in hope. Hope and deep, deep crazy."

By Jacob Clifton

Beatrice: "I guess I can do without the male strippers and penis cake if I must."
Blair, awesomely: "Wonderful."

She runs off to punch herself in the nuts a couple times, and Beatrice sits there at the table being gross some more.

GOOSIP GIRL FAKE DATE

Dan: "The coffee in Brooklyn is soooo much better than coffee in other places."
Serena: "Dating you is always so much fucking fun."
Dan: "Did you ever finish your blog that you are always finishing?"
Serena: "I learned to read and then I wrote about how all of my relationships suffered under the microscope of Gossip Girl, but now that she is gone they are flourishing."
Dan: "Yeah, fake flourishing."

Ouch! Serena makes a hilarious/sad face at that. I love this fake-dating story, actually. Poor fuckin' Serena all the time.

Dan: "Should you really be talking shit about Gossip Girl where she can hear you?"
Serena: "Yeah, Nate talked me into it. He always has such well-thought-out ideas that won't blow up in my face. It's not like he's secretly working against me with her. Oh, and PS, that article is obviously about you. I am taking my pretend relationship with you almost as far as Blair's doing with the Lord."
Dan: "Overlooking the trap that is clearly closing around us all, I can say that fake-dating the Lana Del Rey of the Upper East Side is doing wonders for my ridiculous literary career."
Serena: "We are the literary It Couple of the new millennium, this is great! How can you say that's fake? How."
Dan: "We have fun, don't we."

CHURCH

Blair: "Dear Priest Guy, these are my sins. I kicked a lady for wearing too much perfume, which Diddy has said is wrong. Oh, and I keep having these dreams about somebody that is not the Prince of Monaco."
Priest: "You better fucking me talking about Dan."
Blair: "Nope! Chuck, duh. Always."
Priest: "Again with this, my child? You need to fucking pull yourself together."
Blair: "Listen, thanks for being here for me. I'm just glad you're not that sexy priest who was secretly fucking Beatrice like a million episodes ago."
Priest Who Now Clearly Is That Guy Cavalia, Pretending To Be American: "Father Cavalia's not so bad, is he?"
Blair: "He's evil, Father. Through and through. Would you just please be my royal advisor instead? I need a priest that will do what I say."
Father: "Ugh. Just go do some prayers or something."

She leaves, and the priest comes out of there smirking and reactivating his French accent. Also, he has done some shit to his face.

SPECTATOR

Nate's actually held onto an assistant for more than a week. Less understandably, what she has to say is crazy times two.

Hairdo: "The new issue of The Spectator is ready to be uploaded [?] and the photographer's downstairs to cover the debut of Serena's column [?]."
Nate: "Great. Let me just solve my own murder and also see if Chuck is roaming around town lurking outside churches because he can't go in them."
Chuck: "Nathaniel, I'm lurking outside this church because I can't go inside."

(Then he actually makes this joke.)

Nate sends Chuck a picture of Max, taken the night of the accident, with an envelope full of cash. Sometimes a candid photo can really tell you a lot. Then Gossip Girl emails Nate to tell him that it's his turn to help her now that she's sent him this informative photo.

His reply is emailed to "Gossip Girl." Just simply "Gossip Girl." That's her email address.

CHURCH

Beatrice: "Christ, I can barely remember this storyline. So wait, Blair's going to replace you as the royal priest when she becomes princess?"
Cavalia: "Not if we get her drunk at the bachelorette party and fuck her up."
Beatrice: "I'm not sure about this. She's being kind of nice to me, which has never happened."
Cavalia: "First of all, she just told me she's still in love with Chuck. Second of all, you have some interest in this shit that has to do with the succession. And most importantly, I'm not losing my job to that crazy bitch. My Botox budget alone..."
Beatrice: "Okay, she left out the part about her cold feet. I'm in. Let's get our Borgias on, you corrupt man of the cloth."
Cavalia: "My plan is we either design a dress for her that shows a vague outline of her body underneath -- which will send her running to Haiti in mortal shame -- or else we could all wear masks and dress up like her and swan around the party just long enough to dose her with ether and sell her into white slavery."
Beatrice: "I bet we can come up with something else. Let's keep spitballin'."

SPECTATOR

So this whole thing where Serena publishing a blog is equivalent to Beyoncé giving birth? That's actually going to be a thing in this episode. Okay, cool. Let's go with that. The more I think about it, the less stupid that sounds. Rufus and Lily have finally left the house and are there to meet Serena and Dan for this once-in-a-lifetime media event. Lily's carrying her largest purse; it's actually bigger than Serena's, which I didn't even know they made purses bigger than Serena's purses.

Lily: "It's not every day you get to see your face on a taxi cab. At least, not unless Blair prays to God and he murders you with one."
Paps: "Serena van der Woodsen, over here! Lily Bass! That guy she married!"
Lily: "Don't take pictures until the taxi with my daughter's face on it shows up."

Kind of awesome. Serena holds up Dan's iPad with her blog on it to her face, going live at ten, in front of the taxi... But it's blank! 404! Everybody goes into a giant fucking meltdown, like the paparazzi are crying and Serena's screaming at Internet God and Dan's like, "This is so weird" and Lily's on the phone with somebody -- like, whatever person it is when your blog doesn't immediately publish, you know, that official person in charge of that -- and then it's just this screaming riot of people hurling their smartphones at the sidewalk and climbing up onto the taxi and shaking it from side to side. Rufus punches a lady on a bicycle, Lily kicks a dent in the car door, Serena pulls her dress up over her head and sets fire to her purse. Dan spits in the face of his iPad.

Upstairs, Nate looks demonically at his publishing software, having successfully deleted Serena's blog from the publishing queue. He receives a thank-you email immediately from the address "Gossip Girl" and sighs. Biggest click he ever clicked.

What are we even doing? I mean, this is maybe the best thing that has ever happened in the world, don't get me wrong. But seriously, what is going to happen here?

SPECTATOR

Serena: "Nate, what happened? This whole thing was your idea."
Nate: "Sorry, I just had to postpone it a second. Metrics and things. Marketing words."
Serena: "That makes sense. That you would have spent thousands of dollars pasting my gorgeous face all over everything that exists in Manhattan and then delete the thing mid-launch. I trust you. After all, you understand this business. This business we are in."
Nate: "Whew."

AGENT MTG

Alessandra: "Don't stress out, you neurotic monster, but maybe this Serena thing isn't the best deal. Maybe in fact the publicity Serena gets is a bad deal for you."
(She actually compares him to Jennifer Egan at this point.)
Alessandra: "How long as this show been on the air, five years? At one point did you miss the memo that being a self-styled outsider runs counter to your relationship with the ultimate insider? It's only been the focal point of every single storyline on this entire show."

By Jacob Clifton

AGENT MTG

Dan: "Okay, I see your smaller point and will ask Serena to write me out of her blog launch thing. But the larger point is this. Hipsters are the only cohort in the history of humanity that are defined entirely in the negative. Even just by talking about them, you become one, and nobody who is one knows that they are one, because the definition of hipster is Somebody who likes the same things I do. It's this Groucho Marx virus of self-abnegation, and that's what you're talking about when you're talking about self-labeling that way. In ten years it won't matter, but right now we're standing at the transition from a Generation X definition of things into something else. It's part of the point of my generation that we say Yes to things, and we will, but we're coming out of a couple decades of Gen X, who only know how to say No. We're living in the middle of that mess, and the anxiety produced by a constant lust for authenticity at odds with a desperate fear of performing authenticity. So when you say things like Why can't you be seen to act on the ambition that you clearly have or You have always defined yourself as an outsider, you're pushing directly on that bruise. My identity is about denying my own identity. Either get on board, or stop yelling at me."

Dan: "Serena, could you leave me out of your blog? At least in terms of the present day? It's just that you're an embarrassment to me."
Serena: "You realize, do you not, that you are the entire lynchpin not only of the article but also of my romantic existence?"
Dan: "It's just because I perform authenticity in ways that won't ever let you forget it. Don't worry about it. Think of me as Vanessa Abrams, boy flavor."
Serena: "Okay, so this about your second book continuing your Outsider status. Marketing. You know, I kind of thought that if I became GOOSIP Girl you guys would stop fucking me over in precisely this way. Anyway, Nate already fucked me on this."
Dan: "Let's get back to what's more important than your pretend career of the moment."
Serena: "Which is?"
Dan: "My pretend career of the moment."
Serena: "Done."
Dan: "We can still pretend to date, but just in front of Blair's various boyfriends."

Blair: "What are you doing here? And don't say shopping for velour track pants! You're following me!"
Chuck: "It's BOTH! And [Chuck wastes no time here turning it up to a seething eleven; and FYI the yoke of his blazer is like leopard fur or something, he looks fucking fantastic] I still want to know that thing I keep wanting to know!"
Blair: "Dude, I told you all I'm going to tell you. Let it slide, please."

Chuck quotes her entire day's calendar to her, just so she knows he's a fucking stalker, and she just looks mean and takes off with stanky old Beatrice.

Blair: "We are getting so fucking fucked up tonight."
Beatrice: "Huh. That worked out well for me."

SPECTATOR

Serena goes to wait in Nate's office so they can pretend that any of this is real or important, and of course sees his newest email (subject line: "In exchange for Serena's column") and the unmistakable address from whence: "Gossip Girl." Just simply "Gossip Girl" is the email address, is what I'm saying. I love how half of Nate's interactions with Serena are about inadvertent glances at each other's inboxes. There is something a little unnervingly real about that.

Serena discovers her column on his desktop, having unraveled the morning's entire mystery, and Assistant Hairdo comes in just as she's about to publish it. Who knew you could get this much narrative mileage out of clicking. So they tussle, and Dark Phoenix Serena grabs a little of that hairdo in one fist while publishing the piece with the other. I'll leave it to the Internet to transcribe the piece in its entirety, but it's pretty awesome actually.

Ever since I was fourteen, Gossip Girl has been reporting my every waking move. She tells the world when I buy a bra at Barney's... For a twenty year old, it's daunting.

[...co]nstant series of threesomes...

...We can even go to Brooklyn with the snark! And no one is calling him Lonely Boy... It's refreshing. It makes me feel light and airy.

Actually, if you think about this in terms of the fact that the entire thing is a lie and she knows it's a lie, this becomes really neat. Because she's Serena, she lives in this remotely objective fishbowl of her own self-perception -- this has always been true -- where she needs somebody reporting back to her about what is real and not real. It's what determined her love for Dan in the first place, the fact that he was this observer who judged her environment and only condemned her for it when she needed the reminder.

By Jacob Clifton

So now you've got the pretend relationship happening that she really wants to be real, and that's not happening for Dair reasons that we're not even allowed to think about or consider in any way, so how do you hold up the back end of that fantasy? Make it real enough? Publicize it. Use the image to make it real enough, in the world, that she can believe it's real privately. I mean, this is genius. This is the most Serena Serena story we've seen in years. I love this. I XOXO this:

...I can be myself with this man and show him the real Serena van der Woodsen. The one that I always wanted to be but couldn't since the spotlight was constantly on me.

And what makes it even sadder is that she's doing this having had him explicitly ask her not to do this thing, because the story of Serena is more important than the story of Dan Humphrey. More important than Serena herself is the story of Serena. S by S. You could literally sit down and draw a line from the first Georgina story to here, and it would actually connect. I cannot tell you what this is doing to me. Honestly I can't tell what this is doing for me. You may have noticed over the years that I take this specific part of this show very, very seriously; in fact I would say it's the central meaning of the show, for me personally, for reasons that at this point should be pretty fucking obvious.

SPECTATOR

Serena, this whole time, has been wearing a pleated printed skirt that looks like the Unicorn Tapestries or a dense forest, heavy hoops, a three-quarter sleeve red sweater with blobby black sequins sloshed across it, a matte red lip and knee-high boots. In some ways it's one of the least eye-popping outfits and in those ways and for those reasons it becomes eye-poppingly banal. She looks nice, although I can't say it does tremendous things for her body, but I think the intent is to make her look like a normal person, a girl with a job and not a huge amount of fashion sense, rather than the prom queen of fantasyland.

Serena: "Hey Nate, you were going to yell at me?"
Nate: "Yeah, you're fired. Nobody publishes blogs at this magazine without me saying so."

She gets in his face about secretly working with GG against her, and he's like, "As long as you were going through my emails did you actually read them? Because GG says Tripp was the one that sabotaged my car." I love how this whole investigation is coming out off-screen and we just get to hear about it when Nate is bitching at other characters.

Serena: "Tripp? Ha! You are even crazier than Gossip Girl. She would do anything to save herself, including making you do this shit. You have lost the distinction between your friends and your enemies!"
Nate: "Don't walk away from me!"
Serena: "You fired me! Serena OUT! And another thing, maybe I'll tell Tripp his own cousin is trying to frame him for a crime he didn't commit."

She stalks off, and then -- WHAT -- Nate nods wickedly at Assistant Hairdo, who has been videotaping the whole thing with the title Nate Fires Serena. Oh my God, this is so great! Nate is such a genius. He always gets everybody out alive. That is awesome. The only way it could be better is if this were Serena's idea instead. This is awesome! If you care about Blair, sorry about this season, but if you are the other Serena or Nate fan in this world, cheers to us. It's like watching Gossip Girl.

WALDORF

Beatrice: "I have a host of trashy ideas for this party!"
Blair: "Ugh, whatever. I am worn out. Just keep me away from Chuck."
Beatrice: "You got it. I will do the opposite of that."

EMPIRE

Father Cavalia stops by in his little priest outfit, scaring the bejesus out of Chuck but also giving him a little bit of a boner.

Chuck: "Ah, the Grimaldis' spiritual flack. What do you want."
Cavalia: "Beatrice called me about the marriage. I was thinking we could team up."
Chuck: "Puns and whatever."
Cavalia: "I just wanted you to know the new location of the bachelorette party. That's the kind of important shit I do."
Chuck: "This is weird. What's your angle? And you know all I want to do is talk privately with Blair. Maybe hit her a little."
Cavalia: "Consider this a miracle. Trust me, between Beatrice and God I've got it covered. Come with me to the in a series of bad ideas."

BACHELORETTE

Trashy as hell, but none of the minions/bridesmaids seem to care.

Blair: "I've never been so happy to be surrounded by so many bridge and tunnel types!"
Minions: "That's what we are anyway!"
Penelope: "Let's all do shots and play an incredibly contrived game where Beatrice names off a list you gave her of all the scandalous actions your former lovers have committed. You know, like would happen in real life."
The Blonde Columbia One: "If nobody can name the right ex, we all take a shot! But if we guess right, you do."
Blair: "That's shit not even Serena knows, which explains why I told my demonstrably treacherous future sister-in-law. That makes sense."
Beatrice: "Oh, I forgot to tell the maid of honor where this party was."

Blair runs off to call Serena, which is funny -- "My phone must be breaking up, I thought you said you were at Panchito's" -- and Blair's like, "Yes, this is normal."

Serena: "I doubt highly that Beatrice would forget anything, especially this. I'll come as fast as I can."

WALDORF

Tripp!

Serena: "Hey, Tripp. Glad you came."
Tripp: "I saw your fight with Nate and I appreciate that you're standing up for me, after I sexually harassed you and sold you out to my bitch wife and nearly got you murdered by wolves."
Serena: "I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do, not because you're wonderful, Tripp."
Tripp: "I am used to not getting credit for anything."

PARTY

Q: "Lord Marcus's favorite song."
A: "'Where Do Broken Hearts Go?'"

Heh. Scandale! Beatrice texts the Bitches all the answers to these questions, and therefore Blair will be taking all of the shots. For being the worst, Beatrice sure does have a distinctive artistry about her bullshit. And Blair just laughs and laughs and drinks, while the Bitches urge her on and on. There is an absolutely adorable montage of them partying, which I thought was going to be the most annoying part of the whole episode but is actually fantastic, so thanks to Amy Heckerling for that.

DUMBO

Rufus: "I'm going to keep laughing in this forced way until you ask me what I'm reading! You know, like a child would."
Dan: "Fine, what."
Rufus: "Serena's column is great! Does that bother you?"
Dan: "Forever. Forever, I will talk about that."
Rufus: "Enjoy being the It Couple and selling out! And please don't tell me about the fake dating scenario because I'm sure it has to do with Blair. Which, by the way, is nuts."
Dan: "You're right. I should probably just crash her bachelorette party."

Rufus just keeps laughing until he's out the door. Um, that was not a fucking funny column. It was heartbreaking, sure, but even on a surface level it was pretty straightforward. So it makes it seem like Rufus hates her, basically. Which is funny, but arises I'm sure from the fact that the person who wrote the script didn't write the content of the blog post -- which for all we know could have been written the day of shooting, as a prop; in fact if you think about it it's possible not even the actors have seen it -- so there was a miscommunication between the intent of those two things that nobody in production noticed. That's my theory. Although Rufus laughing at her pouring her heart out, like "this stupid bitch, I remember when we put your ass in jail for no reason" is a whole lot more fun.

PARTY

Blair: "You're so awful and gross, no wonder we get along."
Beatrice: "Listen, why are you marrying my brother if you don't love him?"
Blair: "Girl, I do love him. There's always going to be stuff."
Beatrice: "You can't choose who you love."
Blair: "But you can choose how you love them. Sometimes not being with a person is the better choice."

Word. Beatrice thinks about it and decides to sober her up and/or roofie her in grand GG tradition, and Blair continues to enjoy being in this episode more than she has for the last year at least. It is a joy to watch.

WALDORF

Tripp: "I didn't do this, so thanks. But I can say that I remember the day of the accident, Maureen called a car to take her to the Empire..."
Serena: "Holy shit! Jacob was right!"
Tripp: "Granderbilt passed me over for Nate, and you know how she gets..."

Granderbilt and Nate suddenly appear out of a hidden compartment in the wall!

Wm.: "We've heard enough, I think. Thanks, Nate."
Nate: "Actually this was all Serena's idea."
Tripp: "Oh my God, Jacob was right again!"
Nate: "She knew Tripp wouldn't admit to anything, so we did the whole fake argument and then you'd pin it on Maureen. Just like you did the last car accident, when you left S for dead."
Serena: "Like I would even talk to you! You are a scrub!"
Tripp: "I'm not pinning anything on Maureen, you can ask her yourself..."
Wm.: "Wrong again. She and I were meeting with a divorce lawyer at the precise moment you just said she called for the car. Suffice to say you are screwed."

By Jacob Clifton

PARTY

WALDORF

Granderbilt and Nate suddenly appear out of a hidden compartment in the wall!

Dan jumps to the mournful Beatrice's defense -- proving Blair right, to my mind -- and blames Chuck, and Blair scoffs in some way I couldn't catch, but Dan's pretty positive this is a Chuck thing. Which, to be fair, it does have some of the hallmarks. Beatrice takes Blair off to speak privately, leaving Dan to be awkward with the desk guy.

CHAPPAQUIDDICK REDUX

Tripp explains how he met Max that random day that people kept running into each other on that street corner, the time -- remember with me -- that William told him straight up that Nate was the new future of Archibald. Remember, and then Max walked up and said that weird thing about how "these people" -- even though that group somehow included Charlie, the Rhodes Women and William Vanderbilt, none of whom have anything really to do with each other -- deserved to pay. I remember that.

So then Tripp paid him to snip the brake fluid, which is why GG had that picture of Max with the money -- as Serena helpfully explains -- and but then there was a twist: Max never actually did the brake line thing, he just ran off with the money -- that's our Max! -- and so Tripp had to do it himself.

Tripp: "I never wanted anything to happen to Blair..."
Nate: "So but it was cool if I ended up in a wheelchair?"
Tripp: "I didn't think it would get that heavy, I just thought you'd have a bad weekend and get some bruises or whatever. I know this looks bad because I keep trying to kill people with cars, but trust me. This is all William Vanderbilt's fault because he loves you more."
Wm: "That is some bullshit."

Wm., verbatim: "I raised you to stand on your own two feet..."
Tripp, verbatim: "No. You raised me to kneel before yours."

Serena: "Actually, this is about how you left me to the wolves. You are going to pay. And Nate is going to help make sure of that."
Dan text: "yeah so like Blair got arrested..."
Nate: "Go. We Archibalds will take care of our own."

PRECINCT

Blair: "So actually this was just me being dumb and drunk at my bachelorette party? Only plus it's international news. Got it. I've been a bit of an idiot, is what you're saying."
Beatrice: "Don't worry about it. I bought every single cell phone off every single bystander. Also, here is a tiara."
Blair: "For such a complex woman, my needs are pretty simple. Hugs!"

WALDORF

Wm.: "Tripp has decided he wants to confess to the police himself, so we're going. You did a really great job tonight being a grownup -- and for not blaming me."
Nate: "Wellll, you kind of created this whole dichotomy in the first place. Murdering each other for your love is kind of how you set us up."
Wm.: "OMG you always do this. I bought you a magazine!"
Nate: "Which I will be buying back from you so that my life will one day have meaning."

Good old Nate. When things get weird, just remember to bite the hand that feeds you. Clockwork, this kid. Yeah, maybe this time it'll take. Maybe this one time you won't end up a prostitute.

PRECINCT

Serena: "So they're not even pressing charges? Thank God! Listen, I have to tell you about the amazingly fucked-up night I have had so far..."
Dan: "Serena, I need to talk to you about something more important than anything you could possibly tell me."
Serena: "Is it about your motherfucking lit..."
Dan: "-- Yes. It's about my literary career."
Serena, cute: "Are you fake breaking up with me?"
Dan, also cute: "It's not fake you, it's fake me."
Serena, still cute: "Don't worry, you haven't fake-hurt my fake feelings."

Blair runs up, drunk again now that she's chill, and Serena's like, "You smell like drunk poor people."

Blair: "I had shots! They were fun!"

Dan and Serena adore her, but it gets a little sadder for S when Blair throws her arms around Beatrice, her new BFF. Serena is just taking it in the tits tonight.

Beatrice runs off to tell Father Cavalia that A) She likes Blair now and doesn't want to play games anymore and B) Fuck you because I know you're never going to leave the service of the church: Stupid priests, with their goddamn vows! Man, that is like the best breakup conversation of all time. "We just wanted different things. I wanted to stop tempting fate by fucking a priest, and he wanted to be the Pope of Monaco."

I will never forgive this show if they make me like Beatrice Grimaldi. You took away Vanessa, you won't let me hate this show for more than a couple weeks at a time... Don't take this away too.

DUMBO/WALDORF

Serena: "Hey Dan! I was just calling to be super pathetic some more, but luckily you're so self-involved you won't notice. Now, as far as what you care about, I just wanted to tell you that Blair is okay and asleep."
Dan: "You know what's shocking is that I was touched by what you wrote. I assumed you couldn't even read, but this was really nice."
Serena: "You were... Moved?"
Dan: "I mean, that's funny because it's fake, you know, but it's true. I liked it."
Serena: "Not entirely fake, though. Right? RIGHT?"
Dan: "It is factual that we once dated, sure..."
Serena: "Yeah, but I think you and I both know what I'm talking about."
Dan: "Did you forget who you are talking to?"
Serena: "Ugh, good point."
Dan: "But wait, what is it? Were you going to declare your..."

By Jacob Clifton

PRECINCT

WALDORF

Good old Nate. When things get weird, just remember to bite the hand that feeds you. Clockwork, this kid. Yeah, maybe this time it'll take. Maybe this one time you won't end up a prostitute.

PRECINCT

Blair runs up, drunk again now that she's chill, and Serena's like, "You smell like drunk poor people."

Blair: "I had shots! They were fun!"

Dan and Serena adore her, but it gets a little sadder for S when Blair throws her arms around Beatrice, her new BFF. Serena is just taking it in the tits tonight.

Oh my God please be Georgina please be Georgina please be Georgina

DUMBO/WALDORF

Serena: "Hey, funny thing. Blair wants us to keep dating until the wedding. Is that cool?"
Dan: "It's not the worst thing in the world. Just until the wedding?"
Serena: "Yeah, sure! But we should go on dates and stuff, right?"
Dan: "Like coffee or whatever?"
Serena: "Sure, or dinner. Or movies. Or like spend all our time together."
Dan: "I'll call you later."

Gossip Girl: "Trapped under the weight of a false accusation, I've done a lot of thinking about the kind of Girl I want to be from now on. I'd like to be the kind who does what she says she's going to do..."

INSIDE

A courier arrives with a fun gift for Dan, a first American edition, with a note inside:

Thank you for writing my vows. It'll be our secret. -- Louis

Reader, I cried. I choked on it. I made that sound you make. Well fucking done. This is the best episode in years, start to finish. Literally a checklist of the best things about this series. And the book? Camus's L'Étranger, usually translated The Stranger but more appropriately would be called

THE OUTSIDER

Which is even bigger of a deal when you find out who Cavalia's working with, because it's not Georgina at all: It's Chuck, still. (And in fact, I randomly made a pretty dark-in-retrospect reference to it earlier in the recap.) And if that doesn't break your heart or scare you to death, go read that book and get back to me, because it's entirely possible we've all been played a very long con indeed.

GG: "You know what they say: Talk is cheap. So if you don't have anything nice to say, maybe you should just shut your fucking mouth."

And I guess maybe she's right. Because that was "Age Of Dissonance" good. Possibly "All About My Brother" good. Out-of-nowhere good. Beautiful.

The wedding! Chuck, Cavalia and Georgina! Musical numbers! Dream sequences! It's all happening!

Often called "the Paz de la Huerta of American letters," JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

By Jacob Clifton

But soon enough, the creepiness goes away when Blair admits she's been secretly reading Louis's vows, which he hid -- of course -- in the same desk drawer where they hide things to be found by each other. Serena, who looks like a Grace Coddington wet dream, just absolutely perfect and fantastic and more than a little forbidding, sits down to giggle about Louis.

Blair admits that the vows really moved her and that Louis truly does understand her -- it's just that when he speaks aloud, nobody would know -- so she's back to being cool with the wedding. Aw, I like that they threw Louis a bone like that.

And, of course, Serena's free to give up the Humphrey façade. Serena makes exactly the face she's been making all episode one more time, and then "adorably" throws the sash, blinding Blair and sending her into a tailspin. Ah, roomies.

OUTSIDE

Cavalia: "So when you broke up with me, I told your mom that you were still plotting against your brother, so we decided you have to go do missionary work in East Africa."
Beatrice, verbatim: "I'll tell my mother we slept together, you'll be defrocked!"
Cavalia: "Bitch versus priest, bitch."
Beatrice: "So what, even if you screw me over you still can't stop the wedding."
Cavalia: "Good thing I have a secret accomplice. Have fun in Africa."

Oh my God please be Georgina please be Georgina please be Georgina

DUMBO/WALDORF

INSIDE

A courier arrives with a fun gift for Dan, a first American edition, with a note inside:

Thank you for writing my vows. It'll be our secret. -- Louis

By Jacob Clifton

THE OUTSIDER

GG: "You know what they say: Talk is cheap. So if you don't have anything nice to say, maybe you should just shut your fucking mouth."

And I guess maybe she's right. Because that was "Age Of Dissonance" good. Possibly "All About My Brother" good. Out-of-nowhere good. Beautiful.

The wedding! Chuck, Cavalia and Georgina! Musical numbers! Dream sequences! It's all happening!