Whoa. From the top: Charlie's big debut party is the big party; somehow she has to plan for it while constantly dodging Max's lurking and screamy phone calls. She commits herself again to being a Rhodes forever, despite Max's warnings, but then once the thing happens at the end of the episode, she turns tail and runs again, promising never to return, which we know is a lie.
Tripp gets fussy after Granderbilt chooses Nate for his #1 scion, eventually hooking up with Max toward some nefarious future purpose. Nate spends the whole episode getting ready for Plato's Retreat, but then misses out because of the thing that happens at the end of the episode, at the ground zero of which he is.
To escape the paparazzi, Blair flees to DUMBO and enlists Dan's help in choosing the man she should be with. He never quite manages to offer himself as a contender, but there is a lot of teasing before we get there. Serena, incensed that he's finally saying it out loud, supports Prince Louis. Chuck, in his quiet way, supports Dan. Louis is a non-issue, of course. But once Serena yells at him, Dan reconsiders and pushes Blair into Chuck's arms once again -- impressing Serena, and bringing back her own secret crush.
Lily and Chuck have one of their wonderful bonding moments, which makes sense because Charlie's big party is at his house, which doesn't really make sense. Worried that Max will spill her secret to the paparazzi, Charlie tips Gossip Girl off to Blair and Chuck's reconciliation, ruining her own party in a way that barely makes any sense at all.
So now you've got Dan and Serena chilling at the Empire, the party's over, Nate's on his way to Plato's Retreat, and Chuck and Blair are off to break the news to Louis... But alas, the paparazzi follow them, resulting in a car accident unlike anything you may have heard about in the news or your history books.
While Blair languishes and Chuck hangs out in yet another coma, Lily stresses and Rufus harrumphs and Serena and Nate decide to take down Gossip Girl just like Diana always wanted. But what's this? The second Uncle Jack hears that Chuck's been injured, his first call is to Diana Payne, who worriedly agrees to meet him in NYC immediately.
Why, I simply can't imagine why she would be his first call, right? I mean, she straight told Chuck she didn't recognize him...
16 Jan: Blair's usual pissing match with God, Chuck's usual problems with car accidents and hospitals, the secrets of Payne and Bass and Vanderbilt, and Charlie's inevitable and probably immediate return. How funny would it be if Chuck just fucking died?
PREVIOUSLY
Tripp and Nate apparently made up. Serena looked awesome crazy in honor of CeCe's druggie history. Chuck figured out that Dan was in love with Blair, and was cool with it because he has been replaced by the nicest guy of all time. Dan was going to make a movie, then he wasn't, and he crapped on Serena for about the millionth time. She still isn't over it. Ivy became Charlie Rhodes on a permanent basis once Max executed a left-field face-heel turn of epic proportion. Oh, and Gossip Girl got torpedoed by Louis, lending yet more credence to Nate's ... whatever it is. His media concern.
PRADA
Everybody's having waffles for breakfast while they discuss Charlie's year-too-late social debut into UES society. Which, as we all know, amounts to mostly people that live in PRADA. Dan and Rufus have their favorite conversation about how Inside is doing, and this week it is doing great thanks to Alessandra's highly ethical use of social networking.
Rufus: "More waffles, Dan? I am parenting."
Serena: "I got some spare bitchface if anybody needs more."
Charlie: "Morning, everybody! I just destroyed my old identity in Jenny's room, cutting up my identification and other papers into small chunks. I hope that Rufus doesn't go through my trash like always."
Serena: "Seriously, this bitchface is getting cold. Dan, would you like a heaping helping?"
Dan: "I've got some to share with you, too. How about I call you a whore for the first of many times at breakfast?"
Gossip Girl: "Turns out getting hacked ruins your credibility. Somebody please send me some infos on some people."
Charlie: "I can't believe I finally get to have a coming out party, and see what a spa looks like. Tell me again the upper-crusty story of how Aunt Carol's debut was as obnoxious as everything else about her."
Lily: Does.
Everybody: Has just straight-up started slugging champagne at breakfast. Lily's a trendsetter!
Charlie: "Oh, sorry about my psycho ex-boyfriend who tried to warn you about me."
Lily: "That dude had problems!"
Dan: "No wonder Serena liked him so much."
Serena: "Nice burn on yourself, retard."
Serena: "Between the waffles, that cowl-neck and million necklaces, and this big party in your honor, I'd say all that's keeping you from once again going Single White Female all over my life is that you still don't have the boobs."
Dan: "Like you've ever been single. I hate that I am having the imaginary situation known as Writer's Block since I have to write a new Afterword for my book that came out five minutes ago."
Serena: "More bitchface? Must be hard to write about anything but what sluts your friends are."
Lily: "Enough. You two make up already."
They instantly do, off-screen.
EMPIRE
Chuck: "I can't get enough of this one article about how Blair's wedding might be off."
Nate: "I am too important to talk to Mayor Bloomberg! I am a busy boy!"
Chuck: "Are you sure that this is a real thing that is going on? Because the idea of you cancelling on Bloomberg gives me some kind of a boner for some reason."
Nate: "You know what gives me a boner? Plato's Retreat. It's just like living here with you, only you get sodomized by old Republicans."
Chuck: "More weird boners. Today is getting off to a strange start!"
Nate: "Why are you reading that other newspaper? I think I might run a newspaper or something. Some kind of website newspaper blog magazine."
Chuck: "Your mysteriously vague media concern does not have this one article in it, though."
Nate: "Let me sound out the... Oh my goodness, Blair's wedding might be off?"
Chuck: "I'm sure it's a lie. As a tabloid or broadsheet or radio show mogul, whatever you may be, you must understand that these stories are just made up nonsense."
Nate: "Well, maybe you should give her a call just in case."
Chuck: Yeah, probably. It's way more interesting to have every male character talk about her love life instead of actually showing her making decisions or acting rational."
Then Chuck foreshadows the shit out of everybody talking about how Blair would never, ever leave the father of her doomed child. Whoever he turns out to be.
WALDORF
Blair & Dorota: (Aggravating Dorota shit.)
Blair: "My stupid thing I'm obsessing on this week? Why, I'll tell you straightaway. It's that there are paparazzi outside, wondering if I'm still going to marry Louis."
Dorota: "You know who else am wonder about that? Everybody. It am fascinating."
Blair: "Louis can't come into this house until I'm sure about it."
Dorota: "You am say to he I never am leave you and then magic blah blah."
Blair: "I just don't know if I can, in good faith, tell him I'll never leave him."
Dorota: "Um, that is totally what getting married is. You have defined marriage."
Blair: "Stop insinuating that this is about Chuck!"
Dorota: "Oy with this shit again."
Blair: "Solution! We will never leave this house again."
Dorota: "You am like Pharaoh. Or me am like terra-cotta warriors."
SOME RANDOM PRADA BEDROOM
Serena: "Whew, I'm glad we made up."
Dan: "Remember when our relationship was important enough to the show that our reconciliation -- one of the longest plots of this whole weird season -- could have been onscreen?"
Serena: "I just wish I hadn't sabotaged Jane's sabotage of your movie sabotage of my life."
Dan: "I just wish you were a better person."
Serena: "Why not? It made everybody else a better person."
Dan: "Explain in painful detail what you mean."
See, because Nate was half a person in the book, but now he is the CEO of a television network or something. Nevermind the fact that he took not one single proactive step in that direction and the whole thing was set up by his grandfather and some old woman: Serena is now addressing us and telling us how this season was supposed to have worked.
Or like how Chuck committed suicide in the book, but now he is in therapy. Nevermind that he didn't actually commit suicide in the book, or that he went to therapy because literally complete strangers kept walking up to him in every episode and telling him to go to therapy: Serena is onto something.
Serena: "But not for Boobs McLanahan, no. I was a ho in the book and a ho I remain."
Dan: "Well, and I'm still a pretentious fart salesman."
Serena: "At least you have the book to explain to you what your life was like and thusly examine your choices. Not that you have done so. I wish I had something like that."
You do. That resource is available to you. It is called thinking. People do it all the time. You useless girl.
Dan: "Well, your entire life has been documented. That's what this show used to be about. What if you used that information to do whatever it is that you do instead of thinking, like a normal human being would?"
Serena: "Better than having a job, I guess. To the Gossip Girl!"
Dan: "I think maybe you'll learn something you didn't expect. Despite being the actual actor in your own life."
Serena: "I don't even remember how I managed to get to breakfast today or why we are having this conversation. I think it's almost assured that I will learn something I didn't know."
UGH, RUFUS
Rufus: "What's going on in your little corner of the world, son of mine?"
Dan: "Serena just pointed out that we're the only people unaffected by my dumb book."
Rufus: "It's never too late to change. How about you do the worst thing I can think of?"
Dan: "Tell me more."
Rufus: "You should tell Blair how you feel!"
Dan: "Um, she is getting married? Also, how do you know about that?"
Rufus: "I am obsessive and a drama queen of the highest order is how. And, as always, inappropriately involved in my kids' sex lives."
You know what's selfish and dramatic? Telling the person how you feel. Guess what, they already know. I guarantee you're just causing bullshit when you do it. Your life is not a movie, it's your life. They are not characters in your movie, they are people with their own lives. Stop begging the question, it's tacky. If you went to a store and they didn't have what you were looking for, you'd go to another store. You wouldn't write the store a letter in the hopes that suddenly they would have the thing you are looking for: It's not there. You already lost. Why make that her problem? Rufus is so gross all the time.
Dan: "I am all over it."
SPECTATOR
Tripp (!): "Last time I saw you bent over like that, you and Chuck started screaming at me to go wait in the foyer."
Nate: "I'm just concentrating really hard on the news or something."
Tripp: "I'm so glad we made up in that three-second scene last week. I am also super happy about my three-quarter-length overcoat, which is fucking adorable. It makes me look like a little soldier!"
Nate: "Oh, me too. I love the way you mixed that Repp with those good-guy light-blue pinstripes. It makes my check-and-stripe combo look like I'm an architect. But anyway wait, I can't go to racquetball with you tomorrow."
Tripp: "But it's the sport of white people!"
Nate: "Sorry, I have to go to Plato's Retreat and get teabagged by captains of industry."
Tripp: "Used to be Granderbilt would take me to those things. I guess you're being groomed to be the JFK Jr. Making me... Just kidding, he only asked you because I said I couldn't do it."
Nate: "Meee-yow!"
Tripp: "No, for real. Ever since my awful wife tried to imaginary cuckold me we've been having troubles. Eventually she admitted that -- in a surprising turn of events -- it was all William's idea."
Nate: "That's bizarre. Usually it goes the other way. Also, the whole of last episode no longer makes sense now that you say that."
Tripp: "Anyway, I was just dropping by to be adorable and cause friction in your relationship again. Like usual. And watch out for Newt, he gets handsy."
WALDORF
Dorota: "[Even more Dorota crap. Somebody really dropped a lot of quarters in her this week.]"
(Blair is cute having a moment with a stealth paparazzi.)
Blair: "I am so stressed about my terrible decisions and their consequences!"
Dorota: "You am go to strange wolf-covered world of Queens where am live with Vanya and our extended families."
Blair, verbatim: "Princesses don't go to Queens!"
Wordplay! The phone rings, and Blair adorably answers it while GG provides a scene transition: Why, it is Humphrey in DUMBO calling to set up an awkward and horrible meeting with her! Just at this moment!
Dan, verbatim: "I was wondering what you were doing today..."
Blair, verbatim: "Coming to stay with you, actually."
Done and done. Well done, actually. Nicely played.
DUMBO
Dan has made of DUMBO a palace for a princess, to a camp ridiculous degree, but they are so cute together it doesn't matter. He asks her how she's doing, and she's off!
Blair: "Everything is horrible! I need to go to Louis and reassure him that he's never gonna lose me, but something is stopping me..."
Dan: "Chuck is stopping you. You don't even have to. You two have some strange force field effect on each other. Physicists should study it."
Blair: "It's called producer tomfoolery. Please help me figure this one out. Chuck is perfect now, and I apparently have the keys to making Louis perfect."
Dan: "That is suspect, and this whole conversation is violently unappetizing. Make a list."
Blair: "Lists are for idiots like you and Serena!"
Dan, verbatim: "You're right. Go the Howard Hughes route. I'm sure you'll figure it out by the time you're peeing in jars."
Whoa.
Chuck Pro: He "truly" has become a good man.
Chuck Con: He's slept with every woman* in New York. It could get a little awkward at dinner parties.
Blair, verbatim: "Sometimes that's fun. Don't judge."
Dan: "I don't even know what that means, but we are fucking cute."
Louis Pro: Prince.
Dan: "Of Monaco. What else?"
Blair: "He's the father of my child."
BITCH YOU ARE LIKE NINETEEN.
Dan: "But like, he doesn't have to be the only ending of the story."
(She's touched.)
Blair, verbatim: "You don't think it would matter that my baby is another man's child?"
Dan, verbatim: "It wouldn't to me."
...Damn. I choose Dan. He is really pulling out all the stops this week. Of course Blair flips into total delusion mode and asks him -- admittedly, in a trusted-friend confidante voice -- if he can go grab them some food. Ugh! Man, it took a while but I'm enjoying the hell out of this part now.
(On the other hand, Milo proved to us that Dan just wants babies, so there's a tiny little lack of romance there, but I mean: Nothing about this Bella Swan bullshit is romantic anyway. Louis, the wedding, the principality, the baby: All creepy obstructions that won't matter in the long run. If only Vanessa were here! I think this storyline might actually drive her over the edge. It would be so worth it to watch Vanessa just completely fucking unravel, without Blair even having to do anything. She'd go looking for rooftops to jump off of, and Chuck would already be there, They'd just gargoyle their asses off, all night.)
STOP DICKENS MY HEART AROUND
Max: "I am still a threat!"
Charlie: "Like, no, you're really not. We covered this."
Max: "Grr! Bone structure! Haircut! Great wardrobe all over this episode!"
Max hangs up and in some kind of foreshadow move I don't understand yet picks up a copy of that newspaper website which carries on its front page a huge picture of Nate and the headline FAMILY FIRST? NEITHER PAWN NOR PUPPET. Max is too much of a Florida rube to notice that A) Nate totally wrote and designed this himself, and thus is becoming a cooter, and B) "Pawn" and "puppet" are essentially synonyms in this context.
Lol. Neither Pawn Nor Puppet. God, I love this show.
PRADA
Rufus: "This is mainly what I do, just wander the house poking into other people's business. What are you up to?"
Serena: "I am reading old Gossip Girl blasts. I've been to Santorini and I've been to Connecticut, Rufus, but I've never been to me."
Rufus: "This all makes a tremendous amount of sense. And what are you learning?"
Serena: "I am a ho, apparently. Dan and Nate are the best guys I've ever dated."
Wrong! These are the kind of self-hating things that happen when you let Dan Humphrey speak to you. Tripp, duh. Maybe even better than Nate was he. Professor Colin was pretty great.
Gabriel, Cousin Ben and Damien Dalgaard were in the middle, due to various demerits respectively: 1) Engaging in a supermodel-run Ponzi Scheme, 2) Having three distinct personalities including Sister-Threatener, Jailbird and Jailbait-Taker, and of course 3) Turning your little brother into a drug-addicted sex slave.
In fact the only real disasters you've slept with were Aaron Bobby, who is your brother-in-law by bestie -- and totally gross (belying his utter greatness in the wonderful movie Timer, which Netflix is right to keep recommending you, by the way) -- and Georgina Martha Marcy May Marlene Serena Sarah Savannah Svetlana Sparks.
And even her, only because it involved murdering a guy.
Rufus: "Anyway, I'm Team Dan. Not to mention the fact that Dan's sex life is my favorite thing in this universe. Because I am mentally ill."
Serena: "I don't really remember dating him."
Rufus: "Your first date he was so tweaked out, I almost roofied him."
Serena: "Rufus, you always give great advice."
Rufus: "I think it's neat how you are such good friends now and also siblings."
Serena: "What I hear you saying is that I should fall back in love with him."
Gossip Girl: "Hey, Serena and Rufus! I'm so desperate for news that I have stalked Blair to DUMBO. This is within the realm of possibility."
Rufus: "Good for him! Tap that engaged, pregnant teenage ass."
(Serena makes about the ninth of this episode's series of truly transcendent Fuck Everything faces. She is rocking the shit out of this episode.)
Serena: "Jesus. Am I really expected to figure out where Brooklyn is?"
DUMBO
Blair calls Chuck. This tell-him disease is spreading like wildfire. The whole scene is very quiet, and very still, and beautifully shot and composed. Last week really did bring back the magic, didn't it?
Blair: "Listen, my brain is so fucked up right now that I am in Brooklyn."
Chuck: "Maybe we're like Chandler and Monica, only instead of one of us being the anorexic one, one of us is the sane one. I guess that means I'll be crazy again starting around episode 17."
Actually, verbatim: "Well, there are worse places. This isn't something Humphrey could help you with?"
Aww. Chuck. She's terrified, and he hurts for her.
Blair: "I'm just gonna get right to it. Do you think you could love another man's child?"
Chuck: "Why are you asking me this?"
Blair: "I'm... paralyzed. I... can't move. I can't breathe. You have to help me."
He barely hesitates before telling her he can't make the choice for her.
Blair: "But what's the right choice, Chuck?"
They just kind of sit there for a second before he says -- verbatim, noting for later -- "I can't imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child. Right?"
She really does look like she's about to have a serious panic attack. It's not even funny, just interesting, to note that they are capable of being just as intense and melodramatic even when they are on the phone and miles apart. That felt like a Chuck-and-Blair scene, rather than a Luke-and-Laura scene masquerading as a Chuck-and-Blair scene. Everybody is freaking me out tonight!
And here we thought last week felt like a Winter Finale, man.
SPECTATOR
So the second Nate asks William about the fake Maureen story, which we spent a lot of time on the two of them talking about this last week in a way that doesn't really gel with the way it's presented this week but whatever, William comes clean: Yes, it was his idea, yes, it was a bad idea, and also he is dumping Tripp as the Great Vanderbilt Hope because of Nate's NEITHER PAWN NOR PUPPET epiphany which is the new family crest, and also for a bonus confession, did you know that Diana was all his doing?
Nate: "I wanted to get a job based on my fucking ability, not my family!"
William: "Let's say that you did."
Nate gets over that one pretty quick, and then William sows dissent by saying that he must have pissed Tripp off when he chose Nate for the Plato's Retreat thing, which I'm starting to worry we'll never see. Nate is blown away by this, even though we saw that go down and it was more like Tripp was being childish and petty and bitchy because his feelings were hurt. Which I guess is what it was, it's just the very dramatic way we find this out -- "Tripp's scared he's gonna lose the election, and I think it's beginning to make him a little desperate!" -- that it gives one pause as to how far Tripp's going to go, in terms of bitchiness about this inconsequential shit.
The big dark secret of why Diana? Literally, William says this is mostly about how he thought -- for no reason I can imagine -- that Nate would "enjoy journalism." Also, because he wanted to control Tripp's press... Which itself he was creating. You know what, whatever. I love Nate and I love how he has nothing to do with the rest of this show, just wears clothes and acts responsible and smokes pot.
THEN MAX
Max: "Hey, Nate? I'm Max..."
Nate: "FUCK YOU, BUDDY."
Max: "Seriously, this is the story of the century. This is better than that guy that got hypnotized to perform unspeakable acts."
Nate: "Now that would be a story I could print. Good day, sir."
DUMBO
Dan: "Man, there are paparazzi everywhere at my house! I'm so glad we're friends and siblings again."
Serena: "Obviously it's because Blair is there, idiot. You got Gossip Girl'd."
Dan: "Wait, so are we fighting again or..."
Serena: "Look, motherfucker. You can't see my face, but I am Thunder Perfect Minding my way to a Dark Phoenix meltdown right now, so you listen the fuck up. You invited Blair over to your Brooklyn love den to tell her how you feel, I know you did. And that is a mistake. Here are the following reasons. One, she is pregnant. Two, she is engaged. Three, there is also Chuck."
ibid, verbatim: "Dan, this is not the time to be throwing your hat into the ring."
It's so hard to understand people who don't love Serena. I mean, this is the most Serena-like she's been in a long time, but it's so satisfying when she goes there. Especially with the Humps.
Dan: "Like why do you even care?"
Serena, verbatim: "Because unlike you, I have her best interests at heart? Telling her your feelings is not gonna change your ending, it's just gonna mess with hers."
RIGHT? But Dan gets pretty awesome here too.
Dan, verbatim: "Well listen, the fact is, this doesn't concern you at all."
True enough. But then he goes into this whole I'm going to fuck everything up for everybody like a fuckface and embarrass myself and permanently damage about five different relationships for no reason whatsoever place, like defiantly, and the funny part is that he doesn't even know -- so how could Serena -- that Chuck would totally approve this entire thing going down. He would actually be on Dan's side of this fight.
Dan: "Even if it's the biggest kamikaze disaster of my life, it's my disaster. It's my ending. So stay out of it!"
Louis arrives at wherever she is, looking adorably hangdog and keeping that filthy foreign mouth of his closed.
Serena: "Fine. Then I may just help someone else get their ending."
...Ominous! Dan's like, "You fuckin' go ahead, freak." It's so rough, and also, what are they even talking about at this point? Dan doesn't give a shit. Everybody's a little Honey Badger this week!
...Everybody, of course, except Blair. Because this whole season is Opposites Day.
WALDORF
Charlie: "Hi! Bye!"
Nate: "Charlie, I am happy to see you. Today has been crappy. Including, Max came by looking for money. Watch out for that gorgeous drink of water, okay?"
Charlie: "Whatever, I'm so tired of that storyline. Sorry you can't come to my big party later."
Nate: "Actually, I can. Turns out I'm a huge fraud and I don't want to hang out with the Granderbilt."
Charlie: "I feel like we suddenly have parallel storylines, so allow me to talk about myself. It doesn't matter how you got here, Nate. Once you started the job, you did the work. I read that editorial you wrote, and it's clear that you've become the leader that you wanted to be. If you deserve to be that person, then own it and never look back."
Nate: "That just barely applied to my life, but thanks."
EMPIRE
Apparently, the staging area for the debut party is Chuck's suite. You know, where Jenny lost her virginity that time and nearly ruined the entire family. The obvious place you would set up a debutante ball. I would give props for the irony, but as with so much this season who knows how much is intentional.
Lily: "Charles, I do hope you'll come to this party at the end of the episode."
Chuck: "I literally do not know the girl this party is for. I wasn't even in the family portrait."
Lily: "Well, Blair's not coming, if that helps."
Chuck: "OMG, why does everybody think I'm obsessed with Blair?"
Haha, I know right? Why would anybody think that. And so but then, this conversation, during which he continually drains his glass of scotch without refilling it but which in the end gives his eyes a little sparkle and his cheeks a little blush and his grin a little Charles:
Lily: "Look, I don't mean to pry, Charles, but I have been worried about you as her wedding date approaches. It can't be easy."
Chuck: "Thank you for your concern, but I'm fine. It's nothing that can't be fixed with a night of scotch and perhaps a rogue socialite, if you care to send one my way."
Lily: "Well, if you find that that falls short, I'm always here for you. No matter how ugly or dark your feelings may be, you should not have to bear them alone."
Chuck: "I appreciate it, Lily, but you have no idea what you'd be taking on."
Lily: "Are you kidding? Of course I do. Try as you might, you don't scare me. I'm sorry to inform you that my love for you is unconditional."
Chuck: "The idea of unconditional love is as quaint as the Tooth Fairy, or environmentally friendly dry cleaning."
Lily: "No, no, not when you're a parent. Look, you might only be my son by marriage, Charles, but I've always loved you as my own, and I hope you get the opportunity to feel that kind of love with someone someday."
Yeah, he's still the best thing about her. And vice versa. Thanks for remembering that.
WALDORF
As Serena offers to "help" Louis -- half because she loves B more than anything, half because she doesn't want Dan to date anybody for the rest of his life -- she is wearing:
Oh, Lord. Okay, she's got printed tights, like the kind that make you look like the Nightbreed or a henna tattoo addict. Russet leather shorts. A dark-taupe but very sheer top with gathered sleeves -- Kathryn Merteuil-style -- under which she is wearing a very sturdy, very visible black bra. Also, a sequin-thread scarf. Her hair looks fantastic, I will say that. The rest of it looks like a post-apocalypse assassin/courtesan who lives in the desert and tells fortunes.
Needless to say, it is the greatest outfit she's worn all season. Everybody looks so goddamn awesome in this episode, it's like the guy came back from lunch or from having mono or something. Total 180.
Anyway, as long as Louis promises not to scheme anymore -- I assume but cannot positively confirm that he acquiesces to this demand -- she will help him sink Dan's battleship. And, presumably, anybody else who gets in the way.
Did I or did I not say, on these very pages only a week ago, that if I were Serena and Dair even raised its head above water, I would take every single one of these motherfuckers down with me? I did.
I neglected to mention, however, that I would do it while dressed as some kind of paramilitary sex mirage.
Serena: "To DUMBO!"
Louis: "Uh, maybe I should navigate."
DUMBO
Dan: "So?"
Blair, heartbroken: "Well, Chuck pussed out. So problem solved, I guess."
Dan: "Uh, congrats?"
She is devastated. He grabs her and she holds on tight.
Dan: "Hey, what if you don't marry Louis? Because that is beyond stupid?"
Blair, not getting it: "Like be a single mom? That's the logical step of the hash I'm making of my one-promising life."
Dan: "Uh, no. Like, don't you want to be happy?"
Blair, verbatim: "I don't think I know how to anymore."
Dan: "Well..."
say it say it say it
Dan: "I think I know how to make you happy."
Fuck yeah! Even Blair maybe understands what he's about this time.
THE STREETS, WHERE CAROL IS WELCOME
William is just standing around on some corner when Tripp gets out of some random car -- maybe this was a planned meeting? -- and they have a brief conversation about how Nate is the new Tripp and Tripp is nothing, and then William walks away, but also just chilling on this same random corner is Max, who immediately approaches to say how sick he is of "these people" pushing him around. Of course this show would just shove William Vanderbilt into the "Rhodes Women" category and everybody would start scheming about that even though the two things have literally nothing connecting them beyond Tripp and Max looking similar.
Tripp: "Do we have to make out?"
Max: "Looking at our IMDbs it seems inevitable."
(Serena: "In real life, every guy I kissed actually would turn out bi.")
They: Scheme about these people.
DUMBO
Speaking of random meetings, Louis and Chuck show up outside Dan's door at the same time. I am past caring or understanding why this is happening.
Chuck: "The Prince and the Pill-popper. This should be fun. Shall we?"
No answer, so Chuck says this mysterious thing -- "The man can't hold his liquor or his narcotics. Last time he tried to crash at my place, I learned where he hid his spare key" --and they enter the loft, but it is empty. I'm still confused by what that meant. Is he referring to Dan using drugs? And that Dan came to his house in Manhattan on drugs and then Chuck took him back to Brooklyn for some reason? I am legitimately confused! But I still don't care. I love everything right now.
BIG PARTY
Charlie's beautiful beauty is introduced -- by Rufus, hilariously -- to a reporter from WWD and they speak of Badgley Mischka and get their social life on. Charlie, heeding Serena's warnings about the boobs, has released hers into the wild. Rufus and the guy run off to giggle and drink cocktails, and Lily makes a crazy face at Charlie to go with her crazy look. She's wearing a giant chainlink necklace and her hair... I don't know, man. She looks insane. And Charlie couldn't look better. Strange old world.
CHUCK'S HUMAN SACRIFICE ROOM
Blair: "Take this polyester rag off my face right now, Humphrey! And who doesn't keep a silk blindfold in their bedside table?"
With a certain amount of kinky gusto, apparently, Dan's plan involves wrapping a scarf around Blair's head, ignoring her characteristically frumpy bizarre costume, and taking her to a secret and scary room in the Empire suite with a fireplace and a million candles and black walls and scariness everywhere you look. I think maybe this is the room where Lily took Russell Thorpe down and Raina came leaping out of some secret compartment and drove him to set Blair on fire that time.
Blair: "You ... brought me to watch a human sacrifice. Or an episode of The Bachelor. Either way, I am not happy."
(I've never seen that show. Isn't it just prostitution? I've always wondered if I'm missing something about that show, because if it's what I think it is then we turned the corner into Caligula years ago and nobody noticed. I'm serious: Is it not, literally, a show about prostitutes? How can that be a show?)
Dan explains that this is his amazing way of keeping her away from the paparazzi. So now he's just cliffhangering us himself, right? Fucking with shippers on his own? Because I'm pretty sure he just outright told her that he was in love with her and that she should marry him and he can raise her baby and call it Milo. Did that not just happen?
Dan: "I'll be right back. I have to gloat at having outwitted Serena. Like that's a badge of honor."
Blair: "You are not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on!"
He's flirtatious and super cute, but really what is the deal. They should be kissing right now and instead he's acting out old shitty Chuck storylines on her. Maybe he figures that since Chuck has become Dan and Louis is turning into Chuck, his best option is to slide into Chuck position. God knows he's been getting enough practice, if you know what I mean.
Dan: "Trust me. This is going to rock."
...Oh, goddammit. He's totally going to set her up with Chuck, isn't he? Fuckin' Humphreys. That is such a Humps move.
OUTSIDE
Max is, you guessed it, randomly lurking just as Nate arrives for that party he isn't attending. Nate once again menaces him, staring up the full foot Max has on him, and once again Max is unfazed.
Max: "A society princess exposed as a white trash fraud? Sounds pretty compelling to me!"
I love how Max's whole plan is just telling people what is up, over and over, even though they don't believe him. Can you imagine if Juliet had had some dick following her around explaining her entire storyline to literally everyone they came across? Like the Cassandra of the UES, cursed to be... Wait, doesn't that make him Vanessa Abrams? That rules.
UPSTAIRS
Nate: "Hey Charlie, remember how Max lurks everywhere all the time?"
Charlie: "It doesn't concern me, but yes."
Nate: "Well, guess what. Anyway, I literally just came to this party for this one exchange of dialogue. Bye!"
Charlie: "Wait, I'm starting to get nervous."
Nate: "I am journalist so I can tell you with authority that a story is a story. True or false, it can take on a life of its own."
The show Gossip Girl, now in its fifth year: "No shit, Sherlock."
Serena's now wearing a spangly white/silver wrapped gift instead of clothes; it's a lovely ombré thing with deepening lavender down the skirt, but the top's a little structural. The boobs don't like it when you play those kind of games, Party Dress.
Serena: "Okay wait, so nobody knows where Dan or Blair is? I have been foiled!"
Charlie: "Wait, no. There's Dan. The Humphrey is coming from inside the house."
Chuck: "Listen, Humphrey, I don't wanna play hide-and-seek right now."
Dan: "Good, because you just found me."
Serena: "Just tell me where the hell Blair is."
Dan opens the mystery compartment and sends Chuck inside. Serena, Charlie and Nate watch this go down, and stare blondly at what is clearly occurring. Then they explain it to each other for a while.
Serena: "Somehow, I am still pissed."
Nate: "I sure hope the paparazzi don't know Blair's here! Journalism, right?"
Charlie: "Explain to me how this works. Are you saying that the paparazzi could shut down the party? Just to get a photo of famous people doing things?"
Nate: "Yes, that is how it works. You have grasped it."
Charlie texts Gossip Girl, having apparently decided to sink her own personal debutante ball for some reason. I guess because Max exists, she can no longer have parties? (Jacob from the future here, saying that this will eventually make sense.)
INSIDE
Blair, following suit this season, takes a hundred years to understand what the fuck is going on. Chuck must use tiny little words.
Chuck: "Dan arranged it for us. The us I should have fought for when you called. The us that is not just you and me, but you, me and your baby. I thought it was selfish if I was the one to tell you to break up your family."
Blair, being an asshole: "That was the moment you chose not to be selfish?"
Chuck: "Well, that was a cheap shot out of nowhere. Anyway, I had it all wrong. Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him. You should be with me, because I'm going to love your baby as much as I love you."
Or else, as I still believe, this whole thing has been actually because he is destined to marry Blair's baby Sophlanore in a hideous werewolf ritual.
This is, of course, when the blast hits from Charlie sabotaging her own party -- I mean, in this show, there are no doormen or security so I guess it's a real concern that Max... Oh wait, maybe she's afraid of having her pictures taken. It wasn't the Max part, I get it now, it was the paparazzi part. Apparently the famous part of being rich and famous is just now reaching her brain.
Blair: "Shit, I gotta go. GG just blasted that I'm here with you, and if there are pictures of us hanging out in this torture chamber I am fucked. I need to let Louis down easy."
Chuck: "Let me come with you."
He does a total Gomez Addams on her, and then Nate comes in and ushers them out and down to the garage, where wolves -- and cars -- await.
Cars, you see, that drive over bridges. Cars that sometimes get fucked with, by the paparazzi. Cars that often carry boys, and girls, who live their lives like candles in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to, when the rains set in.
Of all the Season Five twists and turns, this is already by far the Season Fiviest.
TACKY TACKY TACKY
Lily, my emph.: "Wow. The paparazzi are aggressive tonight. They must really want a shot of our new It Girl!"
And yeah, Charlie stands up to have her pictures snapped by dozens of paparazzi, despite her fear of them. I thought for a second that I was wrong and that it really was about Max, but then she made her worried face. Charlie kind of gets in her own way sometimes.
GAR(B)AGE
Nate, for real he says this as they're getting in their separate cars:
"Took you long enough! And I'm not talking about the walk from the lobby to here..."
He is talking about their love, you see.
Gosh, I hope this happy ending doesn't end in an unexpected thing that has already happened at least three times on this show! And so soon after, yet again, Blair begged Chuck to make all her decisions for her -- only to have White Knight Humphrey, the guy who loves telling girls what to do more than anything, take the decision out of both their hands.
But -- ha! -- it does remind me of this amazing dream I had! The night before the Royal Wedding, I dreamt I was reading a magazine and came across a New Yorker-style cartoon of these British bobbies standing over a car wreck and the caption was, The news cycle just keeps getting shorter!
At the time I thought this meant that I was secretly a really bad person, but apparently I'm still not as bad a person as the people who write this show, because they connected those dots while in a waking state. B&C's car, of course, is leaking a fluid. And wolves!
INSIDE
Serena approaches Dan with a contrite look and worries over him for a second before apologizing for her totally right lecture before. Confoundingly, this episode is still pretty awesome despite the wolves.
Dan: "You were right, I was gonna tell Blair how I felt about her."
It's important that Serena be the one to say it out loud, so she does. Takes a second to spit it out, admittedly, but it's still very cool to see her do it.
Dan, so very verbatim: "In spite of myself-- and honestly, many times -- in spite of her. I mean, I didn't want to. I kept trying to make it go away, but how do you kill a feeling?"
"When I saw Blair, she'd just gotten off the phone with Chuck and she was heartbroken. You know, I've been so consumed with my own feelings, I wouldn't let myself see how much she loves Chuck. You were right. [Say it one more time, bitch!] You were right. She didn't need my confession, she needed my help."
Serena: "Not only is that pretty fucking amazing, it's also precisely the fight I was trying to have with you. Well done."
Dan: "I guess my happy ending is making sure Chuck and Blair get the ending they deserve. I guess that makes sense."
Serena: "Dan, you're a pretty fantastic person sometimes."
Dan: "Don't get too comfortable."
Serena: "It's an unpleasant surprise, when he's awesome. And even more unpleasant when you find yourself crushing on him, despite the voluminous and sundry downsides."
Jacob: "Uh, yeah. It feels an awful lot like food poisoning."
EVEN MORE MAX
Max: "Rrrarrr! I am lurking! On your phone! With a hilarious mean voice!"
Charlie: "Seriously, dude. Fuck off."
Max: "Oh, I'm leaving town. I guess Tripp paid me for something."
Charlie: "Good. Stop calling me, dude."
Max: "You think once I'm gone, you're free. The truth is, once I go, Ivy, you are trapped in this lie forever."
Charlie: "Look, I worked hard to get here. Trust me. I couldn't be happier."
Max: "Yeah, maybe for now. That'll wear off eventually. No actress wants to play the same role her entire life..."
Charlie: "This is more than just a role. This is my life now, and these people are my family."
Max: "How can their love be real when you're a total fake?"
She finally just hangs up, awesomely, because Jesus with this guy.
WOLVES ON BIKES
Vroom!
Nate: "Are those wolves riding motorcycles? How curious."
Driver: "The paparazzi are aggressive tonight."
Nate: "I think they are chasing my friends, like how Charlie told them to."
Vroom!
Blair: "We gotta tell Louis face to face, like how we discussed in the scene."
Chuck: "Are you sure you want to do this? Also like how we discussed this in the scene?"
Blair: "As we discussed moments ago, yes."
ibid, verbatim: "You're all I ever wanted. I love you. I love every part of you. I couldn't tell Louis that he would never lose me, because it wasn't true. You're the one I never want to leave!"
They discuss various weird options, once they've gone to the consulate to break Louis's heart one more time, and Blair is all about raising their kid in Tokyo for some reason, but Chuck is like, "New York is the fifth bitch at this table" and they make out and the wolves, the wolves are coming.
Blair and Chuck spare one hateful scornful face for the wolves, Nate tells William he's going to the airport in Westchester -- which the driver thought they were going back to the UES, so he has to turn around -- and of course only Florence + The Machine will do, in 2011, for Blair and Chuck to hit a median divider going a million miles an hour.
AFTERMATH
Everybody, in several repetitive scenes: "Are Blair and Chuck okay? Blair and Chuck, how are they doing?"
Nate: "I don't know. They have comas. Eleanor, Cyrus, Harold and Roman are all flying in on the flight from Paris."
Everybody: "But how fast can Elton John get here? And who will be in charge of landmines now? What if Nate dresses like a Nazi? What if Aunt Carol gets her toes sucked? What if Blair and Chuck's child marries some girl and her sister turns out to be more interesting than her, and then..."
Nate: "As painfully literal as this Princess thing just got, I'm more worried about crashing a plane. Nobody let me fly a plane, okay?"
Serena: "I blame the media! The paparazzi has gone too far!"
The Year 1997 and also Dan: "We already had this conversation like a billion times."
Serena: "I blame also Gossip Girl! She might as well have loosed those wolves herself!"
Nate & Serena: "We will fight fire with fire, by taking down Gossip Girl using journalism."
(Diana: "What a fucking great idea, you idiots.")
PRADA
Charlie: "Actually, it was me. I loosed the wolves. I am the mistress of wolves."
Rufus: "What's all this? Why'd you send that blast? Do you hate Blair?"
Charlie: "No, I just wanted to keep Max from talking to the reporters. Max, who was lurking outside, versus the paparazzi, who were given full access to the party for some reason. I thought maybe if they showed up in the same location where he was, that would keep them from talking to him."
Rufus: "Wait, so you invited the paparazzi to a party where they already were, to avoid them running into Max, who was elsewhere? Are you sure this wasn't a Serena Plan?"
Charlie: "You can call me that if you..."
Rufus: "Look, why are you so paranoid about that beautiful, tall drink of water? The ravings of his lunatic face carry no weight with us, niece of mine."
Charlie: "That's the thing! I am a fraud and a murderess and the mistress of wolves!"
Rufus: "...I wasn't paying attention to what you just said. Later!"
He runs over to chat with Lily, ignoring the total breakdown occurring in this narrative, but then things get really sad. Lily has talked to the docs, and apparently Blair is awake and responding, but Chuck... Lily's whole face crumples in on itself. It's devastating.
(But it's also the entire reason for the sweet scene between them earlier, which is a bummer. Used to be they hid the seams a lot better -- or else those scenes were there for reasons of texture and character and these people having, you know, personalities. But in this particular plot-centric case, it did the trick. So I guess that counts as success.)
Ivy, now: "Carol, I just killed the two most important leads on the show and probably a baby. I am fucking out of here."
ibid., verbatim, also a lie: "This time, I'm not coming back."
Everybody hugs, and Ivy watches them for a sec before disappearing.
HERE'S A LITTLE DITTY ABOUT JACK & DIANA
Hmm. Do what you will with this, although I've thought all year they should just go with the obvious choice and have both Chuck's parents be a lie. Payne's in a car somewhere, and her phone rings.
Uncle Jack: "There's been an accident."
Diana: "...How bad?"
Jack: "You know I wouldn't take a risk like this if it wasn't serious. I had no choice."
Diana: "Okay, Jack. I'll get on the plane. You'll meet us there?"
Jack: "Of course. Thank you, Diana."
Diana: "It's not me you should thank..."
On the one hand, sucks to wipe all the Bart stuff out when it's been the focus of most of both Chuck and Lily's storylines for the past four and a half seasons, and provided some of its best moments. On the other hand, it would be worth it to wipe the whole Chuck's Mom mess out of there, because that never at any point made sense, so it would be cool to fix that. Also, Chuck clearly inherited his ideas about acting from his Liz Hurley. It's in the blood.
But honestly, it's interesting no matter what, because that was some intelligent, lean Queller shorthand: Just from that dialogue you know that Jack would never be talking to Diana unless it involved Chuck, which leaves only the Vanderbilt thread hanging as far as whatever scummy stuff those older people got up to when they weren't all sleeping with Russell Thorpe and Lily Rhodes and each other's wives. I admit great intrigue.
YEAR
Chuck bleeds out, Blair's baby does something, and Blair undergoes her third religious conversion. So that'll be cheery. Maybe a distraught and nihilistic Lily can finally give her virginity to Uncle Jack.
But seriously, these last two episodes -- even with the Di thing, which, it's always going to be too soon -- have been pretty much great. I'm excited to see what the new year brings, and hope that all this momentum wasn't just a finale thing. The show could be this fantastic all the time. All shows could, and seldom are. And I still don't understand why that's okay. But right now, I'm not too bothered about it.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.