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What's going on with Dan is that he is pretending to be on his book tour, but secretly he is hiding in DUMBO, listening to chillwave and losing ten pounds every single day, because people don't give a shit about his stupid book like he wishes they would. Rufus finds him there by accident, realizes suddenly that Skype doesn't rule out being a huge dorky liar, and gives him a pep talk. Dan responds, seemingly, but his pep is as illusory as his itinerary. Soon he will begin drinking, and things will get radically hipster, and finally this show will be awesome again. Dan joins Nate for best moment this week, but got about five minutes total to show us.
What's going on with Human Plot Device Diana Payne is that she has upgraded her Storyline Contriving abilities to a record level and basically just wanders around the entire show sparking off storylines and creating conflict and doing magic spells and chewing on the set and making no goddamn sense at all. Also, she is working with William Vanderbilt, and that's I guess what this whole thing has been about. Lame, she's lame, she is full of it. Just chock full.
What's going on with Serena is that she has had it with Gossip Girl's mess and she will be taking her down! Just kidding, that's a lie like always. But wait, no, this time it isn't a lie because Human Plot Device Diana Payne has somehow manipulated Cousin Peepers into saying that Gossip Girl has made her feel like behaving erratically, and because Serena is such a caring (well, condescending) individual, this time she will really be going after Gossip Girl. Maybe.
It was fun. Serena would have won, except her storyline also involved running into Ivy's ex-boyfriend Max, at random, because he is in New York, at random, because he has a job interview, at random. Oh, did you think he came to find Ivy? No, that would actually make sense. In fact, he's just wandering around the USA, cutie at large, when he serendipitously runs into the best friend and cousin of the girl that his ex-girlfriend is very visibly and publicly impersonating. As one does.
What's going on with Blair Waldorf is a motherfucking tragedy, in my opinion. What I want to say is that Chuck's apology menu last week so upset her delicate mental balance that she has gone to a sick, sad place -- like a Jenny Humphrey virginity place -- and that's why she hounds Chuck all over creation until he kisses her, at which point she snaps out of it and then Dorota and Chuck agree that playing sick shitty mind games with her is appropriate. Which it wouldn't be, even if she were mentally deficient or a child, which is what she is this season anyway.
What's going on with Nate and Ivy is that Nate is really dumb and keeps forgetting that Ivy can't hook up with him because he is dating their boss, a fact she reminds him of something like four times in this episode. So then Diana, in her pursuit of making every single storyline work by the laziest and most contrived, unbelievable method possible, manages to hook up Max and Serena, and fires Ivy, and makes Ivy kiss Max, and Nate watch, and all of this goes down at Sleep No More and basically amounts to Diana Payne doing her Liz Hurley impression and saying literally:
"You, stand over here. Now you, put on a mask and then go over there and then take off your mask and then without looking, kiss that person over there while this third person stares at you. Meanwhile, I have a fourth person ready over in that corner to take a picture of all of this going down. Don't worry, there's a reason for all of this."
week: Dan's expected descent into alcoholism coincides beautifully with Blair's wedding shower, and Max decides what to do with Ivy's secret. Presumably as well: Diana does more blatant, explicit, horrifyingly lame plot manipulation; everybody almost finds out about Charlie but then they don't; Serena nearly but then completely doesn't do anything regarding Gossip Girl; Nate feels controlled and worries about his lack of empowerment but then doesn't do anything about that. It's in the bangs, Nate. You lost it with your bangs.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!OUTSIDE
Not sure about the juxtaposition with Macbeth stuff, but the Sabrina dream that heads up this episode is pretty interesting. Those movies are about a girl, the chauffeur's daughter, a sort of Philadelphia Story in reverse, who is presented with two affluent men rather than two rakes -- one whom she's always presumed to love, and the other she never found that interesting -- and surprises herself by her choice between them.
Of course, since it's Blair, she's playing the eponymous Audrey Hepburn character in the dream, but I wonder whether that's really the story she's telling herself. Whether the dream is about moving forward with the Prince she's always imagined, v. falling into the arms of the other brother. It's a simple story but she's not a simple girl and, parts of this season to the contrary, this isn't a simple show.
Louis v. Chuck is the choice they're selling us -- the choice she is selling us -- but I don't think I'm out of bounds suggesting that, on the long view, maybe she's just using them to cancel each other out. Which would put a different spin on the Sabrina dream, because she's not the chauffeur's daughter: Dan is. And if she can get her two princes to a zero sum, it won't matter what he is, anymore. Just a theory.
I like to think of life as a limousine. Though we are all riding together we must remember our places. There is a front seat and a back seat and a window in between.
The relationship with Chuck is gross, because Blair and Chuck are both gross; it's entirely disgusting in this episode to watch her try to make him into a demon again, just like Louis did last week. But not disgusting in the usual way; not as a misguided attempt to reverse the burlesque at Victrola, or the way it went with Carter Baizen when she was trying to make herself dirty enough for him.
It's not even disgusting in the way where, once again, Chuck makes decisions on Blair's behalf -- although that is very disgusting -- because the whole thing is such a mirror-on-mirror thing for her own stuff. I no longer trust this show to give us a character-centered journey for these people, so the intentions of the show must be considered separately from the intentions of the fictional people, where once they were the same thing. But, if this is about deriving Dan from the shuffle of Chuck against Louis until nothing means anything, then this is a valid story to tell, because it means Blair is in control of the story and has been the entire time.
But it's not a great feeling to make so many assumptions about a character's denial -- especially when every other character on the show has become so transparent and, well, silly -- or about the layers on layers of what they've got going on. That used to be fun, but the show took away too much of her power base to make that worthwhile, so you have to at least indulge the idea that she's being as silly and shallow as the rest of them, and be very clear about when you're coloring outside those lines.
Because if you can't trust Blair to say -- or at least signal -- what she's really doing, then you become as bad as Chuck. That's what bothered me about Abusegate and what continues to sting after that bullshitty-but-not-entirely-bullshit apology scene last week: If you get into a position of telling a girl, even a fictional one, whether or not she's a victim, you're removing her choices, and that makes you the abuser. You must find a context to ground all the decisions equally so that you can hear the story they're telling you.
And in that spirit, I'll give you this: Both Blair and Daniel are fucking lost.
INSIDE
Blair's stuck up a ladder when a tuxedoed gent arrives with a beverage; she thinks it's Louis but it's Chuck. He offers to help her down, and when she gives in, she falls and just keeps falling. Here are some lines from the original scene:
"I haven't seen him in such a state since he was kicked in the head by a polo pony," says the brother, and "Amnesia has definitely set in. He's completely forgotten he's engaged. He wants you," and, "Object? To you? It's as though a window had been thrown open and a lovely breeze swept through this stuffy house. How could I object?"
"Even though the breeze comes from the garage?" she says. "This is the 20th century, Sabrina," is the answer.
I guess I'm just hoping there's more to this. Because as it stands, you've got a Powerful Woman who never ever needed a man -- who chowed down on macarons and masturbated like a G6 when she was upset -- but has become, in the new order, this Manhattan princess who's about to be absurdly awoken from her fairytale. Surrounded by ridiculous camp figures like Elizabeth Hurley, holding boot camps for her bridesmaids, getting married at 19, pregnant and barefoot and trashy trashy trashy. Either the story's permanently rewritten, or there's a backdoor of which not even Blair is fully conscious.
WALDORF
Dorota: "[Broken English.]"
Blair: "I have decided that Chuck's apology was bunkum, because the alternative is that he has really changed, and since we've done that storyline six times it must be something else. If this were the good old days, he would be doing this just to fuck with me."
Dorota: "So that what we sticking with?"
Blair: "Indeed, Dorota."
Dorota: "It seemed fairly authentic to me. Rushed and unearned and randomly shoehorned into the end of the episode after a wild detour where he was hypnotized into performing unspeakable acts, but something we're supposed to take seriously."
Blair: "No, I'm fairly sure this is all about me. We're going to the duckpond, fatty."
EMPIRE
Nate: "Walk of shame! Were you fucking Cirque de Soleil again?"
Chuck: "No, I was home drinking tea and cutting out pictures of kittens for decoupage, and then went out early for a charity meeting about charity."
Nate: "Charity, what's that? Like when I was homeless?"
Chuck: "If I keep busy doing good, then there's less of a chance I'll find myself in a situation which triggers old habits. Being so frigging good is really tough. And boring."
Nate: "Let's talk about me now."
Chuck: "Apprise me of the status of your fake relationship with Elizabeth Hurley."
Nate: "Sometimes it's like this, sometimes it's like this."
PRADA
Rufus & Lily: Manage to Skype.
Dan: "I am so tired of book touring! Nashua, Burlington, all the hot spots. I met some Classics students at Bennington that killed a farmer. We are a nation of not-so-much readers. I got bumped for Snooki and I'm thinking of going to college."
Rufus & Lily: "Dan, you just ride this bubble. If Daddy's history tells you anything it's that fame is fleeting when you're basically untalented and willing to whore out."
Dan: "I am not really on my book tour. I am in DUMBO lying to everybody and feeling sorry for myself instead of doing the necessary work of marketing. I am the worst."
Rufus & Lily: "Charlie and Serena! Would you like to Skype on this Skype machine?"
Serena: "You tell Dan Humphrey to suck a load of asses."
Charlie, boarding elevator: "That was ugly."
Serena: "Yeah, welcome to our entire relationship."
Rufus & Lily, verbatim: "Bring us back some real maple syrup!"
Charlie: "Might you write about Dan on your blog? I know you've been posting to it, but I cannot yet read at your eighth-grade level and/or am too busy getting dicked around by our boss in every episode."
Serena: "Sadly, nobody wants to read my blog. Apparently talking about how you built a woodfire pizza oven in your backyard is only for Gwyneth."
Charlie: "Maybe it's because you're super boring. Here's a tip. Get on Gossip Girl, but then write your opposing viewpoint and that will cut out the middleman."
Serena: "What an obvious and still smart plan. I'm going to characterize it as 'evil genius' in order to give the illusion that you have a personality or penchant for scheming, as we always do with you on this show. Instead of, you know, existing purely to further whatever ridiculous omnipresent weirdness about Elizabeth Hurley and your own screaming paranoia."
Charlie: Jazz hands or something.
SPECTATOR
Q: With whom is Elizabeth Hurley scheming with this week?
A: You will actually find out a little later.
Q: On whom is she scheming?
A: "Trust me. If we're gonna take down Gossip Girl, it's necessary. Don't worry, I won't lose Nate or Serena. Just give me a bit more time."
GG, Nate and Serena. This is getting to be like the end of a John Irving novel, if all the pieces end up fitting together. Just kidding, this is a campy* fever dream written by a gay boy raised on Dynasty and it doesn't actually matter why she's here or what she's doing, it won't ever make sense. We're here to watch Elizabeth Hurley chew furniture like a Jack Russell. That's it. That is all we are called upon to do. Stop thinking.
Nate: "Charlie, even though I'm in a committed relationship with somebody and constantly whining about it, I also have a crush on you. I am so Nate right now."
Ivy: "Nate, stop talking to me. Don't look at me. She has eyes everywhere. I... Have a boyfriend. And a voice like a rusty gate into Hell."
Nate: "I know, me too."
Diana: "Charlie! Get in here for face punching!"
*(Or not even "campy," like, whatever is the 2011 of that. Whatever makes Vulture commenters and Bravo gays laugh. Snarky? Silly, silly's better. Cheap for laughs. For the cheapest possible laugh. Taking what used to be simultaneously totally ironic and totally sincere, which was its genius, and making it instead a joke about doing the thing that you're doing: "Wouldn't it be funny to act really serious about watching Gossip Girl every Monday?" Making a Jo Anne Worley of a silk purse.)
PRADA
Alessandra: "Have you seen your horrible son?"
Rufus & Lily: "We Skyped him on the Facebook Internet."
Alessandra: "So you're not going to be of use, is what you're saying."
Rufus & Lily: "We Skyped him on the Facebook Internet."
Alessandra: "Okay, well, if you see him, tell him to call me. He's missing his book tour."
Rufus & Lily: "But we Skyped him on the Facebook Internet. He is bringing us real maple syrup."
DUCK POND
Blair: Feeds ducks.
Chuck: Randomly shows up having rescued a duck from a hungry dog.
Blair: Throws a fit.
Dorota & Chuck: Roll their eyes.
Blair: Is the worst now.
Blair: "How much more do you need to see?"
Dorota: "Of duck pond? It not really my thing to begin with."
Good one, Dorota.
Blair's Point: Chuck is manipulating her into believing that he... Oh, we already had that conversation? Bleep-bloop.
New Action Item: "He's forced my hand! I must expose Chuck as a fraud who's only pretending to evolve so he can win me back before Louis comes home!"
Gossip Girl, irrelevant as ever: "In drama, there are many ways to unmask a villain..."
There must be a less extravagant way of getting a chauffeur's daughter out of one's hair.
SPECTATOR
Ivy's single contribution to the episode -- Serena taking on GG through the power of blogs -- actually comes from Diana, of course. Also, as in every episode and against her usual protestations, Ivy needs to keep her oddly tiny puppet hands off Nate.
EXT. SPECTATOR
Max has a paper map out because he ain't never been to the big city so he don't know that he's standin' right outside the big old offices where his ex-girlfriend works at her high class job. Yes, because His Dreaminess is in town looking for her. Just kidding, he's not even there looking for her. Just kidding, he is. Just kidding, he just got knocked down by Serena's boobs.
Serena: "Sorry, my boobs weren't watching where they were going. I have trouble Being Places."
Max, verbatim: "Not at all. I was blinded! By the maps!"
Then they start dating or something.
INT. SPECTATOR
Nate: "Diana, you know who we're dating?"
Diana: "Oh, Christ."
Nate: "[the usual, practically verbatim, for the seventh episode in a row.]"
Diana: "Please don't threaten to quit and become my full-time gigolo boyfriend, it will wreck my one thousand nonsensical scams. How about this: I'm going to Paris on a fake trip you didn't know about despite being my assistant. Why don't you slut it up while I'm gone, and then we'll see where we're at."
Nate: "Yes, relationships do work this way."
WALDORF
Blair revisits the "charts and graphs" joke from when Eric lived here and did all those colored-pencil charts for Serena to make up her mind about... Whoever she was dating at that time. I think Nate and Dan. It's hard to remember what was going on during the Nate/Dan times because mostly it seemed to be about her punctuality and also running into them at random times in random places. Anyway, funny-ish:
Old Chuck Pet Peeves: Ageism, unattractiveness, hostile takeovers, dog excrement.
New Chuck Peeves: Animal cruelty, inhumanity, starving children, lies, poorly-run charities.
Overlap Peeves: Russians, 200 thread count, cheap liquor.
There's more, but it was funnier when it was Serena, and also somebody on the forums pointed out that Serena and Blair have switched places: Serena is now all about career and image and power, albeit in a very vague Serena way, and Blair is now all about ridiculous expectations and befouling her own bathwater, albeit in a very shallowly Blair OCD way.
Sample Dialogue: "I can't rest until I can prove Chuck is still his satanic self! What do you think would be more effective, having his shirts pressed with too much starch, or getting him served blended scotch at the Empire Bar?"
It's when Blair starts talking about wearing "clever disguises" that the Serena Switch idea starts really making sense. You know what makes a Serena Plan awesome? The Serena part. You know what makes Blair fucking unbearable this season? The Blair part.
INT./EXT. SPECTATOR
Max: "I didn't come to New York to find Ivy anyway."
Serena: "Really? I had this whole soul mates reuniting story worked up in my head. Because of how you told me you were here looking for her."
Max: "No, I just have some of her stuff to give back to her. Actually, I'm in town for a job interview I have in two hours. You know, DB Bistro is looking for a new line cook."
Serena: "You must be a really talented chef to even get an interview there. It's a huge deal!"
They go on a date to his job interview. He puts his fate for Being Places into her giant hands. They don't even know each other's names.
Ivy: "Please tell me the reason you're still not at work is because you met a cute guy in a business suit!"
Serena: "No suit, but definitely cute. Hoot-hoot! Woot! I'm about to walk him to his interview now. We will probably end up in Queens."
Ivy: "No! Sabotage his life by taking him to a glamorous lunch. That way, your plotline for this episode can be advanced."
Nate: "Hey, Charlie..."
Ivy: "[See scene for literally this same conversation.]"
PRADA
Lily & Rufus: "Let's drive to Boston to find our son!"
Pilot Inspektor: "Oh, thank God. I was about to kill myself."
Lily & Rufus: "Just kidding! We meant Dan."
SPECTATOR
Ivy: "Why are you following me?"
Nate, verbatim: "Come on. You're a Rhodes. If you had a boyfriend, the whole Upper East Side would know about it."
Ivy: "Sure, except I would never be on Gossip Girl because I am hiding under a stolen identity, so that makes no sense whatsoever. If this show is saying that I am a regular fixture on Gossip Girl, that is beyond stupid."
Nate: "That's what they're saying."
Ivy: "What about how you're dating Diana or not?"
Nate: "She said something about Paris, I don't know. I just want to make out with ladies."
SERENA
Max: "I ain't never seen a real live restaurant inside a boutique before! Are we gonna eat clothes?"
Serena: "No, I'm just ruining your life."
Max: "I am relying on you to be my official guide to getting around Manhattan."
Serena: "That was your second goddamn mistake. I'm feeling kind of guilty right now. You should get out of my warp zone area if you want to make your interview."
Max: "Thanks for the weirdest, most pointless afternoon -- and all your insider knowledge like how Boulud likes apricots. As a chef about to interview with him, I couldn't possibly have known that."
Nate: "Charlie, we kissed one time!"
Ivy: "You are getting on my nerves!"
Max: Goes walking by. Small world, UES!
Ivy: Has to kiss Nate suddenly because... Whatever.
SPECTATOR
Diana: "Nate Archibald's Cougar & Her Cub In Pride War? Are you purposely trying to make a fool of me?"
Ivy: "Nobody has to 'purposely' do that. You act like you're working a boat show. In every scene. You have no agenda we can understand, you're obsessed with multiple teenagers, you are the worst boss of all time, your business model makes no sense and Serena has you fooled into thinking she can read. Your sole employees are two of the most ineffective, incompetent teenage hustlers ever captured on film, and our only duties seem to be pressing 'publish' on WordPress and delivering a constant flood of giftbags. You fired everybody in your entire office to fuck a child, and then threatened to drop a nuclear bomb on Manhattan's scandalous fourth estate. You are a running a newspaper that is really a magazine which is seems to actually just be an app. For which there is no demand whatsoever."
Diana: "I do think it seems a tad convenient that the only way to [avoid Max] was to snog Nate."
Ivy: "Oh, are you British? I couldn't tell."
Diana: "I'm putting a stop to this flirting and dating between you two."
Ivy: "Fine, whatever. We're not flirting. Or dating. You are a madwoman. How you gonna break up our fake dating relationship, pray tell?"
Diana: "You're gonna ask him out on a date."
Ivy: "...The fuck? You are the dumbest idea this show's had since Milo."
EMPIRE
Chuck: "They're voting on Gossip Girl, and apparently it's feminism that they want you to pick Elizabeth Hurley over Ivy."
Nate: "I don't want to pick anybody. I want to just not make decisions or think thoughts."
Chuck: "Let's talk about me now. Have you heard of Sleep No More?"
Nate: "Yeah. Shakespeare's so boring and hard to understand. I need them to dress it up in a lot of pretentious dramaturgy and make it into a haunted house so I have stuff to look at while they flap their Elizabethan gums and then vaguely feel like I've had a cultural experience."
Chuck: "People like you are why 3-D is a thing."
Nate: "Hey, whatever's good enough for Pink is good enough for me."
Chuck: "...And whatever's good enough for this show is good enough for the characters on this show. I'm throwing a benefit for duckpond refugees tonight, and all our idiot illiterate friends are going to the haunted house, so you should come."
Nate: "Ivy just invited me to this while you were saying that. That's just how this show works now."
I mean, I love the idea of Sleep No More, in that with a firm grounding in the liberal arts you're allowed to play around with ideas and tropes and performance realities and relational art blah-blah. I love haunted houses because they are little plays art-directed for only me, and I love Shakespeare, and Macbeth is perfect for the treatment here. I'm sure the people involved are brilliant, and the acclaim the show's getting is totally earned... But how cynical, how art-appreciation, the buzz instantly became. I mean, don't judge the thing -- this show included -- solely by the people who like the thing.
Except you kind of have to, in this case, because of Akiva Goldsman: Do we go to this show because it works thematically within the larger context of the season and the episode? Or do we go to the show because it's a thing happening in New York right now that might be cool or not, people say it's cool, I saw several headlines about it on various websites, it gets inches. Regardless of the viewpoint, the quality of the show stays the same. It's just hard to trust anything anymore.
WALDORF
Serena: "Why is it when you don't want Gossip Girl to post about you, she does constantly, and when you do, silence!"
Blair: "I share your frustration. The Chuck Bass Spotted page is broken. Not one blip. He's off the map. Wait."
Serena: "Wait, why are you looking for Chuck?"
Blair: "[Explains at length.]"
ibid., verbatim: "Chuck may be sponsoring a [Sleep No More] performance, but it's only because in the dark with his mask on, he is safe to reveal his true self."
Serena, verbatim, my emph.: "B. Whatever you're thinking, stop. Just work on your relationship with Louis, and let Chuck work on himself. Meanwhile, I'm gonna stay home and work on my blog."
Blair, verbatim: "Well, how hard can that be?"
Blair, alone or so she thinks, calls for a Sleep No More ticket so she can be awful some more. Dorota listens in and is very judgmental, or gassy.
SPECTATOR
Serena: "I'm not willing to sell myself or anyone else out to attract an audience. Like how we talked about six times last week, and I never actually comprehended the words coming out of your mouth, and thus have now forgotten that we already resolved this."
Diana: "Serena, once again I'm confounded by how you keep mixing up the simple act of blogging 250-500 words, about the most inconsequential shit imaginable, with the murder of innocents. I don't know where the fucking glitch is there."
Serena: "I've been trying so hard to get off Gossip Girl. Today I almost hurt an innocent stranger to make you happy."
Diana: "Call it what you want, but that's the stupidest thing you've said yet."
Serena: "It just didn't feel right!"
Diana: "Going to lunch with a chef is not blogging! Foisting your poor time management on other people is not blogging! What is wrong with you?"
Serena: "...And the worst part is, he actually seemed like a good guy, and now I'll probably never see him again."
Diana: "No, the worst part is that you may have a brain disorder, or else why do we keep having these full-on bizarre conversations about your fantasy-land ideas?"
Max: "Hey, did somebody mention me and then I just showed up right here in your offices? That's how this show works now."
Serena: "That's crazy! Max, we were just talking about you and then you showed up at random. Diana, this is Max, the young man I almost butchered on a bloody altar for you."
Diana: "Serena what the f... Fine, screw it. Hey, Max."
Max: "I'm just looking for my ex-girlfriend to give her her stuff back, and also interview with a chef, and also take Serena to coffee and hope that she doesn't end up giving me tainted coke or getting me eaten by wolves or kidnapped to Eastern Europe."
Diana, curiouser and curiouser: "I see that your name is Max, and therefore you must hold the key to Ivy's real personality because nobody else has ever been named Max before in a city full of a billion people. Therefore, I will invite you and Serena to go to Sleep No More."
Serena: "How come?"
Diana: "Don't worry about it, it won't make any sense when it happens anyway."
SLEEP NO MORE
Theatre People: The worst kind of people. We don't need to overlabor the point, but if you ever wanted to go on theatre people safari, Sleep No More is your chance. Imagine infinite Elizabeth Hurleys wearing infinite old-timey outfits doing infinite flourishes in your face with all manner of makeup, making infinite faces at you. Congratulations, you just paid a bajillion dollars to go swimming in that snakepit.
Part of the mystique is that you have to wear a mask the whole time you're in there, which I guess means this is serving as our annual Masked Ball episode. Last year's was so fucking fantastic there wasn't really a way to top it, so why try, but it does give me a little nostalgic feeling for Jenny Humphrey. Blair goes into the show with the Aces group, having brought a deck of cards that would serve her for any boarding group involving Chuck, and Dorota (in a "clever" "costume") yanks somebody else's card so she can follow B, following Chuck.
Nate: "Thanks for the invite! If you're worried about getting in trouble at work, Diana's off to Paris, and we will be wearing masks."
Ivy: "You know, I'm just a little anxious about the performance. It's dark in there, and crowded, and I am insane."
Diana, at the bar: "Good show so far."
Ivy: "Just tell me your plan. This is so weird and so obviously intended to stretch the episode out with our boring conversations over and over about the same dumb love triangle."
Diana: "I planned just to catch you two together here, making Nate feel so guilty he came running back to apologize, but something better struck me."
Ivy: "So when I said, 'Tell me your plan,' I didn't actually mean, 'Tell me some other plans that no longer signify.'"
Ivy & Nate: Are Deuces. Aww.
Max: "Diana, thanks for the tickets! I ain't never seen a play before. Is Serena here yet?"
Diana: "Thank God you just missed Ivy one second ago. You turn up real fucking conveniently on schedule, don't you. Listen, Serena was an Ace or a Deuce, she's already in there, she's wearing a gold dress. Just kidding, Ivy is wearing the gold dress and Serena isn't here yet. I have so many plans!"
Dorota & Blair: (Disagree on the authenticity of Chuck's redemption. Some more.)
Serena: "Diana, thanks for the tickets! Max has never been in a building with indoor plumbing before. Have you seen him?"
Diana: "Yeah, he's in there wearing a beautiful gold dress or something. So many plans."
Serena, verbatim: "Maybe I should go look for him."
Diana, verbatim: "Women like us don't do things like that. Just wait here. I'm sure he's just running behind."
...What? Women like us don't... Find our dates at a crowded social event? Women like us aren't responsible for our punctuality? Women like us don't own cell phones, more like.
Diana: "I'd better get in. They called Queens some time ago..."
Who knows. Just who knows.
Nate: "Oh my God! I'm not even sure how we lost each other, but one minute I'm at this massive feast, the I'm in this freaky psych ward, there was this nurse..."
Who is Sleep No More for? Nathaniel Archibald, that's who. But also, welcome to the funniest line of the entire episode:
Ivy: "Well, I'm glad you're safe."
Nate spots Diana, who is supposed to be in Paris, and is fully great as usual:
Nate: "Why don't you go find the witches? They're awesome."
So yeah, Ivy goes looking for the witches. These two motherfuckers. It's like if you split Serena into a boy and a girl, and they had to make do with just half of whatever she's working with.
Nate: "I thought you were in Paris!"
Diana: "I changed my mind and now we're on a date!"
Nate: "I am already on a date."
Diana: "Yeah, with Charlie Rhodes. I've been spying on you the whole time. You know she has a boyfriend."
Nate: "Fairly certain he was imaginary just so you wouldn't come after her."
Diana: "He is very real, and he is gorgeous, and last I heard, she felt he wasn't paying her enough attention, and she was trying to remedy that. Anyway, I won't bother you anymore. I just hope you're not part of that plan!"
Serena: "Rassinfrassin the one time I actually show up for something on time and the douchebag is nowhere to be seen. Serves me right for Being Places. I guess I'll just sit here on my stupid ass and miss this whole performance instead of utilizing my cellular mobile telephonic device or going inside. Guess that's what women like us do."
MACBETH
Your face, my Thane, is as a book where men / May read strange matters. To beguile the time, / Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye, / Your hand, your tongue; look like the innocent flower, / But be the serpent under't. He that's coming / Must be provided for; and you shall put / This night's great business into my dispatch, / Which shall to all our nights and days to come / Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.
Blair locks herself in some kind of old-timey pub set, or apothecary or something, with Dorota on the outside looking in, and Chuck on the inside looking terrified. She commences doing some horrible, awful, sick-minded shit to him. It is pretty awesome.
Blair: "Of course you knew it was me. Was it my perfume?"
Chuck: "I should get back to the performance."
Blair: "You can't disrupt the drama! Looks like we're stuck. Together... Alone... Amongst the masked and anonymous. Do you remember when we used to play dress-up? At least I know I'm safe, locked in here with the new Chuck Bass, who has none of his old urges. I have to admit, I had a hard time believing you at first, but now I see. The therapy, the apology -- you really have changed. As warm as it's getting in here, I can sweep the hair from the nape of my neck without setting you off. It's such a relief to be able to let my guard down."
It's in the acting. I mean, you can imagine how Meester would do these lines, and it's sort of breathtakingly gross, in a Season One kind of way. Not as good as Victrola, but not in a dumb way: It's like she pulled Victrola out of an old shoebox and it was rotting and kind of smelly and she's holding it out to him like, "Tasty, yes?" Begging him to take a bite.
Oh, never resist an impulse, Sabrina. Especially if it's terrible.
Wasn't Chuck implicated in the Carter thing with Blair? That two-episode stint she did as a coke slut or whatever it was, wasn't that Chuck's idea to make her gross again? It was awesome, and this is awesome too. Sad, and more than a little scary, but awesome. Well done.
"No one is looking. Even the new Chuck Bass must still have some of his darkest desires. Just a taste..."
ELSEWHERE
Diana, verbatim: "Are you ready, Charlie? There's Nate. Go kiss him."
Seriously, that's her master plan. She tells Ivy to go kiss this guy, so she does, and they have to awkwardly take off their masks with eyes closed in order to not figure out that she's not Serena and he's not Nate, in this rushed passionate thing that makes no sense anyway. But it's like, if you were Ivy wouldn't you ask some follow-up questions?
I mean, maybe there's something interesting down the line, how Ivy and Serena keep switching places, and now not-Serena and not-Nate are kissing each other as though they were -- which is how the Masked Ball episode always does stuff -- but stick a pin in that because who knows.
Meantime, Diana Payne literally just zoomed Ivy at Max like a toy car, and she went for it. And now they are both recognizing each other and feeling super weird, so she drags Max off-stage, except it's Sleep No More so there is no off-stage, just more and more and more drama. And since it's Diana, that drama really needn't make any sense at all. Luckily, it will not.
Although there is a delicious irony in that Diana is instructing Serena, not Ivy, in what "women like us" do, while giving Ivy the helpful tips and instruction that Serena so desperately needs: "Serena, stand over there. Be Places. Don't steal horses. Other basic shit." Okay. "Serena, go kiss that guy. He is your boyfriend now." Thanks for the assist! "Serena, brush your hair."
MACBETH
Blair: "I knew you were still the same Chuck. You thought by one fake apology and a few charitable acts that you could get me to question all the reasons I'm with Louis, but I was right. You are incapable of change. And now, thanks to you, I'm more certain than ever that I chose the right man!"
Chuck: "...Sure, whatever."
Maybe this whole storyline is about Chuck realizing that Blair is completely bonkers and the season will end with her in the Ostroff Center and everybody else just taking a nap in relief that she finally shut up.
DUMBO
Rufus: "Well, the car died. I can't even manage my one thing in this episode... Hey, Dan? Are you hanging out in Brooklyn and lying about everything?"
Dan: (Haven't seen him in such a state since he was kicked in the head by a polo pony.)
EXT. SLEEP NO MORE
What Gossip Girl thinks is amazing, now, is the fact that Serena is hanging out in the Sleep No More lobby, minding her business. I guess Diana spun it when she sent the tip, but it's still not all that remarkable. Even S is unimpressed.
Serena: "Oh, this is nothing compared to when she called me Irrelevant at Graduation. Or when she lied to the world that I had an STD."
Diana: "This is the kind of thing I was talking about, you halfwit. This is exactly why we need to work together.! On your blog. So Gossip Girl loses her readers, and her attacks lose their power..."
Serena: "Or I just develop a thicker skin, which is what I've done over the years. It just upsets me when she goes after people that aren't strong enough to defend themselves."
Diana: "Check. My bizarrely incomprehensible plan just took yet another left turn. As I retroactively always knew it would."
Nate: "I saw Ivy kissing some guy or something, so I guess we're still in love."
Diana: "That's apparently what I intended all along."
DUMBO
Dan: "Work is hard! I just wanted everything handed to me, as it always is!"
Rufus: "What a grand opportunity to talk about the band I was in."
Dan: "What a grand opportunity to, as usual, act like a little bitch about your career."
Rufus: "I'm just saying, you have to play the shit bars before you can open for Jimmy Eat World."
Dan: "I think I needed to hear that."
Then, waffles.
EXT. SLEEP NO MORE
Ivy: "Max, why are you stalking me? Is it because I left you that weird, scary voicemail and then lost my phone and never contacted you again?"
Max: "Nope! By some strange coincidence, I just happen to be here for a job interview. Why on earth are you here? And do you know my new girlfriend Serena van der Woodsen?"
Ivy: "Oh, no. Even though it's instantly verifiable, which you won't figure out until week. Never heard of her. I mean, I've heard of her because of Gossip Girl. Do you know about Gossip Girl? It's this website that invalidates my entire plotline."
Ivy: "That was pretty sneaky how you made me kiss Max and not Nate!"
Diana: "I told you I was going to do something sneaky, and then I did! HA! Also, you are fired. Now, cry for the camera."
Ivy cries for the camera and Diana sends it to Gossip Girl, activating Serena's whole thing about little defenseless animals. Just one more aspect of her fractal, ever-evolving plan. We are all robots in the Payne Matrix. We are all puppets for her dastardly doings.
AFTERMATH
Blair: "Dorota, I hope you've learned your lesson. I will always be right about Charles Bartholomew Bass, and now that I've proven I made the right choice with Louis, tomorrow we can get back to my restful week of prenatal pampering before I welcome my fiancé home with open arms."
Dorota: "Dear Chuck, thanks for once again removing even the possibility of agency from what was once this show's greatest achievement as a character. Glad I could help."
Blair: "I'm just a silly girl that doesn't know what I want! Women are hysterical!"
Or: Now, an egg is not a stone; it is not made of wood, it is a living thing. It has a heart. So when we crack it, we must not torment it. We must be merciful and execute it quickly, like with the guillotine.
EMPIRE
Nate: "Explain to me how paternalistically manipulating Blair into acting insane, with the help of her closest confidant, only to make her feel like a crazy pregnant teenage whore with no options, was a good thing."
Chuck: [Tries.]
Diana: "Nate, let's talk about how we're dating or whatever we constantly are talking about."
SPECTATOR?
GG, awesomely: "Lock your windows, Upper East Siders. Looks like Serena's cuckoo Cousin Charlie is off her meds again and about to jump to her own conclusion..."
God, I miss the Cousin Peepers version of Cousin Charlie. Turns out she wasn't just interesting by comparison to Raina Thorpe. She was legitimately interesting. Oh, and the other thing I was thinking about: Remember last finale, how Georgina was going to purchase Ivy's soul and weaponize her? Do you think that was the original seed for this whole Diana Payne thing? Looked at that way, I feel more kindly toward everything.
Serena: "Charlie! Gossip Girl was so mean to you! It makes me stomp."
Ivy: "It just makes me feel sad and small."
Serena: "Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!"
EMPIRE
Diana, verbatim: "Nate, you matter to me. A lot! I was just trying to be cool. You know, that's my thing."
Yep. Totally cool. That's what I think of when I think of Diana Payne, the total coolness.
Diane: "From now on, [same thing same thing same thing always]."
Serena calls her and tells her that she has had it with Gossip Girl, so once again she is willing to blog. For what's right and decent and America, she will let Diana's readership into the scandalous life of Manhattan's blandest possible elite person. Or, to finally stretch beyond all sense and give the show that benefit of the doubt people have been accusing me of since the show started:
Linus: "So, your little poem. What does it mean?"
Sabrina: "It's the story of a water sprite who saved a virgin from a fate worse than death."
Linus: "And Sabrina's the virgin."
Sabrina: "Sabrina's the savior."
INSIDE
Diana: "Everything's set. You should never have doubted me."
William Vanderbilt: "You've done a fine job rehabilitating my grandson's image."
As what, a cougar-fucking boy-whore? I hate to break it to you guys.
Anyway, both Nate and Serena are exactly where Grandpa and Hurley-Burley want them to be, apparently. How funny if Diana's snowing him too and at the end of the season she'll just be like, "Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing most of the time. I was crazy high and people just kept paying me to do weird shit. Ride of a lifetime, losers. Peace."
DUMBO
Week: Some shit may actually finally go down.
Until Then: Dan is super sad, Blair is super crazy, they are both fucking lost.
Or maybe it's this?
Fairchild: "He's still David Larrabee, and you're still the chauffeur's daughter. And you're still reaching for the moon."
Sabrina: "No, father. The moon is reaching for me."
Without a capacity for hope, with this show as with all things, there is no fierceness or boldness to be had, and thus no victory for anybody. So I'm going to keep counting on the latter, until one time I watch this show with a hangover and even grumpier mood than that represented here, and I end up just saying Fuck it, pace Ugly Betty and Doctor Who. Until then, XOXO and I'm sorry I am such a hater. Hopefully I'll be fully well by time, and not enmired in a bunch of logistical nightmares. Hopefully the show will be better, also.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.