This Is My Idea Of Fun

S05E06

Blair's big story this week, besides her bushy orange eyebrows, is a minion-off to determine her bridesmaids, although nothing much really happens there. Mostly it's a way to bring up the fact that Blair is or was once a schemer, while Louis is not... So that he can then ironically turn heel. But since it's Louis, he does it in a half-assed way that ends up mostly screwing over Louis and Louis alone.

Having found the paternity test, Louis tries to get that therapist lady to turn Chuck back into a monster so that Blair won't go back to him. But Chuck's dedication to his own personal development is such that she ends up reneging on her deal with Louis -- and sinking her own practice in the doing. In the end, Chuck visits Blair to apologize for every single thing he's ever done wrong -- it's pretty neat, actually -- while Louis has made himself look pretty awful, so I guess both dudes are back in play. Which sucks, because Blair's still pregnant and running out of options, stuck between the two guys who most hate for her to have options.

Much more interesting is, get this, the Serena/Dan plot. Serena runs interference between her boss and Dan, eventually getting him to step down as the screenwriter for Jane's adaptation. When she learns that Jane plans on hiring Sorkin to make the story a Zuckerbergian attack on Dan himself, Serena selects the nuclear option, using Jane's history with Diana Payne to get the film cancelled altogether. Dan drops off the bestseller list after a single week, and Serena agrees to blog for Diana herself, as a sort of antidote to Gossip Girl and the general surveillance and celebrity that have always hounded her. We'll see how well that goes, I guess. Meanwhile, nice scrunchie.

So right on track, Nate's feeling that feeling he feels after six or seven episodes with every cougar, and suddenly starts wanting to be recognized for being her secret boyfriend. Payne negotiates around him fairly well, but when Ivy suddenly finds herself in the running for Blair's bridesmaid, Nate finds out just how well Payne's been keeping him in the dark, and goes nuts. By the end, she's gone public with their relationship as an alpha move against Ivy, whom has apparently developed sudden feelings for him.

All in all, a very "moving the pieces around" kind of episode, setting up Chuck's ongoing redemption and continuing the Chuck/Louis shell game that will no doubt lead directly to Dan when you least expect it; giving Serena power over her own image for the first time in the show's history; turning Nate into the Serena and giving Blair something to do besides flout royal convention and ping-pong back and forth with Louis every episode.

week: Sleep No More gives us this season's masked-ball episode -- always a favorite -- and Blair maybe loses a little bit more of her mind, while Serena gets her blog on and Dan decides what to do with the wreckage that was his five-minute literary career while Rufus wets the carpet in sheer pleasure at his failure.

This morning: Waldorf is holding bridesmaids tryouts among her minions, Payne's adding herself to Nate's "to-do list" if you know what she means, Chuck is in therapy and Dan has debuted at No. 9 on the NYT bestseller list.

Dan: "What did, uh, Lincoln Hawk's first single debut at?"
Rufus: "Eight. Ah, but don't pay too much attention to that stuff. That was the '90s!"
Dan: "It's all I can think about."
Rufus: "It is also all I can think about."

SPECTATOR

Nate & Payne: "[Innuendos about doing it.]"
Nate: "Can I be your date to the big party at the end of the episode?"
Diana: "What?"
Nate: "You know how on this show there's always a..."
Diana: "No, I mean what? You're a teenager. I would be a laughingstock. I know you think cougars are hot so you don't understand the pressure we're under, but there's a reason Elizabeth Hurley is so rich and it's not because makeup companies like making women feel great about their looks. Me dating you is like Eric van der Woodsen dating a Republican congressman."

Nate: "Look, I just follow the script. And for me, that means that in the sixth episode of a relationship, I start whining about being more than a pretty face. Then you surprise me that you're fucking your stepson, or you sell me to a..."
Diana: "Nate, I don't have time for it. You talk too slow."
Nate: "Can I at least tell my friends?"
Diana: "First, take a bunch of iPads around as invitation gifts. I have funny ideas about running a business. Under no circumstances should you and Ivy switch lists about who delivers which iPads."
Nate & Ivy: "That sounds like a ridiculous plot device that exists only to cause drama in the fourth act."
Diana: "That is actually my middle name. Diana Human Plot Device Payne. I am part iPad, part ocelot."

Ivy: "I knew I shouldn't have worn heels today. To my job."

BARNES

Chuck: "The dream starts the same every time."
Barnes: "They have a habit of doing that."
(What?)

Problem No. 1 with writing therapy scenes: They are goddamn boring.

Problem No. 2: If you don't have like a passing acquaintance with psychology or analytic techniques, people say random meaningless shit like that. Do they, bitch? Do dreams "have a habit" of starting the same every time? No, they don't. And if they did, it wouldn't work like this. And if it did, it wouldn't end like this. Stop relying on tropes that were never true, and start thinking about your actual head and how it works, what it is like to be alive. You would think that a writer, being a person, could convincingly write about people. Not always the case. Not always. When you do this, you are taking bad writing and multiplying it by itself. You are Once Upon A Time-ing yourself when you do this.

Chuck: "I'm taking an early morning stroll in my new Berluti wingtips. I look up, and a block away is the most magnificent skyscraper I've ever seen. I have to get inside it, but every time I round the corner, it's still a block away."

It Is: Dan. It is Dan's penis. The skyscraper is his penis.

Problem No. 3: You might think you're just making up some random dream, but really you are saying something, and it's not about Chuck. Don't write about dreams and this won't happen. Any psych story, from The Cell to The Sopranos, requires a very precise and steady hand for this reason. You are unavoidably going to universalize your own shit, so you better have a good reason and a compass to sail by.

Barnes: "So what do you do?"
Chuck: "I start to run, but as soon as I reach it..."
Barnes: "-- You wake up."

Problem No. 4: "What do you think the dream is about? My father's tragic death? My mother's secret life? Or perhaps my chronic oral fixation? Is my sense of humor just a defense mechanism against intensive therapy?" Ugh.

Barnes: "I feel there's a piece of the puzzle still missing. It's not your mother or your father. There's someone you're not telling me about."

I guess that last one's okay because she's doing sneaky work for Louis when she says that, like using Blair to drive Chuck back to being crazy, but after that five-second cardboard analysis of him she did last week, that Tarot spread of a bullshit palm reading she did of the most lame possible readings you could have on his character, I don't know that it even matters trying to figure it out. Maybe if you go to therapy you could write better therapy scenes. Or just write better.

WALDORF

Blair comes to Louis and begs for a "special dispensation" so she can do some scheming and manipulating: Can he turn a blind eye for like 24 hours? Because she's a woman, that's how women work, the controlling scheming manipulative bitch just builds up and up inside until you can't take it any longer, so you better get permission now. Permission to act of your own volition, I mean. From your teenage fiancé. Who is currently scheming, which is the entire point of the scene: He's an angel and she's trash and he would never scheme but part of their love is him condescending to allow her to exist, so he does. How ironic when it turns out he is scheming too! How ironic and interesting that will be! I hope it gets swept under the carpet by the beginning of the episode. That will really make it awesome.

BETTINGER

Jane Bettinger is an old friend of Diana Payne's. Now that Lily has limped up the stairs at PRADA and only comes down for champagne at odd hours, we only have two women of any substance on this entire show, so it's good that they know each other, that could provide some interesting... Oh, you say it's only for this episode and scarcely matters or makes sense? I guess that's fine too.

Jane, verbatim: "Serena's my latest find. A month ago, her job was getting my director three shots over ice. Now I've got her optioning best sellers for me. I'm going to go get a tart cherry juice and call David O. Russell."

Serena points out how ridiculous this show is now: "It's such a small world! My good friend Nate Archibald actually works for you. And my cousin, Charlie Rhodes."

Diana says they've both been "instrumental" in helping her "rebrand" the Spectator, but we're just never going to find out how that is possible, given that they are both unemployable and seem mainly to spend their time in the office staring at things with gigantic eyeballs. She invites Serena to the Spectator launch party, and Serena says she can't attend for some reason, even though obviously it is the big party at the end of the episode.

Diana's Idea of a Segue: "Oh, but you should come to this party! Or else have a blog."
Serena: "I could never blog for a website about my details, because Gossip Girl already does that and it makes me feel weird about ... the Internet. Or something."
Diana: "See but if you were on the Internet talking about yourself, people would find that interesting -- I'm guessing -- because they already take passionate interest in somebody else talking about the details of your banal life."
Serena: "I don't get it still."
Diana: "Are you fuckin'... What's confusing you about this? Blogging. For a website. Do you not know what one or both of those words means?"

Serena: "Sorry, I could never take part in something like that."
Diana: "...Wait, what? Something like what?"
Serena: "Reading. Writing. I could never take part in something like that."
Diana: "Well, at least come to this party I already invited you to three times."

WALDORF

Minions returning: Kati and Penelope from Constance; Jessica, the overachieving blonde one from Columbia; oh, and that's it. Jessica kisses her some ass -- "Do yourself a favor and stop talking right now; even Pippa knew when to pipe down," Blair hisses -- and we revisit Nelly Yuki. Nelly Yuki, who apparently the whole punchline is her name because one time that was true. Nelly Yuki, who was never a minion and thus shouldn't be part of this conversation. Nelly Yuki, who got into Yale when Blair didn't, and obviously wouldn't be on this list. But hey, here's Cousin Peepers wandering into the house, cousin of the maid of honor and obviously a perfect replacement for Nelly Yuki in this contest.

Dear Diana, sorry but I can't do my job to day because I have to hang out being ritually abused by Blair Waldorf for zero reasons. Hopefully somebody will die during the Minion Wars. Hopefully it will be Penelope. Will send pix. XOXO, Cousin Peepers.

BARNES

Barnes: "Louis Grimaldi, His Serene Highness the Prince of Monaco! Why are you handing me an envelope of money in plain sight outside my place of business?"
Louis: "Dr. Barnes, who is a Manhattan therapist that barely blinked at tossing away Chuck's hundred grand, I am giving you this money to pay off your father's debts."
Barnes: "Thanks! I couldn't pay for those because I don't have any money. Besides all this money I totally have. Now, what can I do for you?"
Louis: "[Sometimes when he talks it is so gross. He's real cute and I feel bad saying it, but sometimes just words coming out of his mouth makes me want to fucking vomit. Maybe in French it sounds better, but his English sounds like somebody choking on oysters sometimes. Just a gullet full of oysters, slippin' and slidin' around.]"
Barnes: "Sure, I will turn Chuck back into a monster for you so I can have all this money that I already have. Hand it to me in public."

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Dr. Barnes, what are you doing here?"
Barnes: "A house call is a little out of the ordinary in my line..."

I'll stop you right there, because this whole thing is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it.

Sample dialogue: "I applaud your persistence, Dr. Barnes, but I've searched the far corners of my mind, and I'm not hiding anything, from you or myself. I'm an open book."

She tries to get him to talk about Blair, he's not interested, she says the "nightmares" are about him being in denial about this (half true!), blah blah, finally he cracks open some secret compartment or something and shows her the Harry Winston rock that got his ass murdered, and that's his big catharsis: He hasn't returned it to the store yet.

So could Barnes just take it, and donate it to charity or something? Or keep it and sell it and pay off her father's debts and get the fuck out of this offensively stupid storyline? That's what I would do. Sell that mother. But no, she's so blown away by him handing her this symbolic jewelry that suddenly she's like, "My father's debts be damned, I don't need Monaco's money, not at the price of this young man's soul. I told him Dan Humphrey's penis was Blair, but it's not. It's just the regular penis of a poor person."

Dear Prince of Monaco, I couldn't possibly misuse my therapeutic training to fuck up Chuck Bass's mind. Doctors don't work that way, psychology doesn't work that way, minds don't work that way. This is retarded, and thanks for playing. But on the other hand I wouldn't worry too much about it because I don't really think he's a romantic rival for you. Just give it a couple years, this shit will work itself out. The skyscraper is Dan Humphrey's penis. Love, Dr. Barnes.

BETTINGER

Serena's attempt at jocularity: "So Mr. Screenwriter, are you ready for your first ever development meeting?"
Dan's attempt at humor, maybe: "I think so, as long as you guys don't want to change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle."

Jane shows up with Natalie from WB and they talk about how they love, love everything about the novel and just want to change, change just a couple things, things, and turn it into hell. The ideas include "Open up the world of the Upper East Side a little bit more! Rich people are so hard to like. Maybe add someone more relatable?"

Serena and Dan are confused because they thought that Dan was the likeable and relatable person. Bless.

Serena: "He'll appeal to everyone! He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn..."
Ladies: "--Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don't think so."

ibid.: "A tragic backstory would give him more to overcome. Maybe he's an orphan?"
ibid.: "Wait, now another thought that occurred to me was to Glee this up."

For some reason this is the part that sends Dan around the bend. Not the part where he's a pretentious, privileged douchebag and they just said that to his face like eight times, no. So Dan.

WALDORF

Ugh. They have to fix these dresses on these mannequins while she yells at them, and Dorota is there doing her Dorota shit, and it's so fucking dumb.

n-1

Nate runs into a twitchy, sassy little twink that works for Keith Gessen, and in short order learns that Gessen's going to be Diana's date to Diana's party, and they've been dating for two months.

Sample dialogue, as he shows him Vulture: "Hello! I thought you worked in media?"

DUMBO

Serena shows up and tells Dan to waive his right to write the script, and because this is about actual development business, not writing, she explains the only thing this show has ever said that's even half right about it: If Dan writes it, it'll go draft, notes, recrimination, draft, notes, buzz dying the whole time, "And you'll never give them what they want, because you're too close to it, and that's not even the point: You should be focusing on your best seller." Then, the funniest thing in the entire episode:

By Jacob Clifton

It Is: Dan. It is Dan's penis. The skyscraper is his penis.

Barnes: "So what do you do?"
Chuck: "I start to run, but as soon as I reach it..."
Barnes: "-- You wake up."

Barnes: "I feel there's a piece of the puzzle still missing. It's not your mother or your father. There's someone you're not telling me about."

WALDORF

BETTINGER

Serena points out how ridiculous this show is now: "It's such a small world! My good friend Nate Archibald actually works for you. And my cousin, Charlie Rhodes."

WALDORF

BARNES

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Dr. Barnes, what are you doing here?"
Barnes: "A house call is a little out of the ordinary in my line..."

I'll stop you right there, because this whole thing is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it.

Sample dialogue: "I applaud your persistence, Dr. Barnes, but I've searched the far corners of my mind, and I'm not hiding anything, from you or myself. I'm an open book."

BETTINGER

Serena and Dan are confused because they thought that Dan was the likeable and relatable person. Bless.

Serena: "He'll appeal to everyone! He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn..."
Ladies: "--Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don't think so."

ibid.: "A tragic backstory would give him more to overcome. Maybe he's an orphan?"
ibid.: "Wait, now another thought that occurred to me was to Glee this up."

For some reason this is the part that sends Dan around the bend. Not the part where he's a pretentious, privileged douchebag and they just said that to his face like eight times, no. So Dan.

WALDORF

Ugh. They have to fix these dresses on these mannequins while she yells at them, and Dorota is there doing her Dorota shit, and it's so fucking dumb.

n-1

Nate runs into a twitchy, sassy little twink that works for Keith Gessen, and in short order learns that Gessen's going to be Diana's date to Diana's party, and they've been dating for two months.

Sample dialogue, as he shows him Vulture: "Hello! I thought you worked in media?"

DUMBO

By Jacob Clifton

Serena and Dan are confused because they thought that Dan was the likeable and relatable person. Bless.

Serena: "He'll appeal to everyone! He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn..."
Ladies: "--Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don't think so."

ibid.: "A tragic backstory would give him more to overcome. Maybe he's an orphan?"
ibid.: "Wait, now another thought that occurred to me was to Glee this up."

For some reason this is the part that sends Dan around the bend. Not the part where he's a pretentious, privileged douchebag and they just said that to his face like eight times, no. So Dan.

WALDORF

Ugh. They have to fix these dresses on these mannequins while she yells at them, and Dorota is there doing her Dorota shit, and it's so fucking dumb.

n-1

Nate runs into a twitchy, sassy little twink that works for Keith Gessen, and in short order learns that Gessen's going to be Diana's date to Diana's party, and they've been dating for two months.

Sample dialogue, as he shows him Vulture: "Hello! I thought you worked in media?"

DUMBO

Serena: "Let us hire an A-list writer, like an Akiva Goldsman, somebody who Jane can't bully, somebody who gets great movies made and who will honor your book faithfully."
Dan: "You really think you could get someone like him to write it?"

I mean, that's either some slicing fucking satire about what is actually valued in Hollywood, or written from inside the Matrix -- as in, this show is written by people with those fucked up artistic values -- and I have no idea which, but if it's the latter that makes this season make a lot more sense.

Points against that being a joke, because they are relatively well-received despite being maybe tacky in some very Hollywood ways: Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind, The Client, A Time to Kill.

By Jacob Clifton

Maybe they just worship money that much on this show: Da Vinci Code, Angels & Demons, I Am Legend.

Surely you are joking: I, Robot, Lost In Space, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin.

No comment: Practical Magic.

I realize that it's hard trying to reconcile the first three seasons of this show with what's come after, because the people behind the scenes have changed a lot and the entire narrative DNA has changed a whole lot, it's pretty much an entirely different show that happens to look the same in some ways, many ways. And shit like that tends to drive certain kinds of fans -- shippers, pretend-feminists, gif-makers and fan-ficcers and Tumblr-collagers, the spoiler-readers -- absolutely bonkers, because they think the characters are real and relate emotionally to the show on such a profoundly personal level that it doesn't really matter that they aren't.

But I submit to you that it has driven me bonkers in an entirely other way, because the Akiva bullet came out of nowhere and it sort of rearranged my entire mindset about this show, to be honest. I kind of wondered if it were getting bad, but I had no idea it was getting that bad. Which makes this job, pardon me, a lot easier and more fun to do.

SPECTATOR

Nate whines at Diana about how she's dating Gessen, and somehow Diana gets mad at Ivy about it for the reason that she didn't know Nate was going to end up at his office and find out that information. But hey, here's a fuckin' brainwave: If he's your date, do you really need to hand-deliver an invitation? Anyway, they have the same exact conversation as before, but slightly shorter maybe.

BETTINGER

Turns out today was a lie, and actually it was supposed to be Sorkin the entire time -- the fact that this show equates Aaron Sorkin with Akiva Goldsman, okay -- but first they needed to convince Dan to get off the script, which meant fooling both of them. And not only that, but because Aaron Sorkin's first movie apparently was the Facebook movie, dropping his name as writer means Jane intends to "Zuckerberg" Dan; make the whole movie about what a fucking jerk he is. Which, right by being wrong I guess. It's a fine and funny idea, but not really the point of Aaron Sorkin or movies or ... writing.

By Jacob Clifton

WALDORF

Blair shows them a very awesome giant picture of Nate Archibald and -- for contrived reasons that barely make sense as she is saying them -- tasks the potential bridesmaids with getting a kiss from Nate before the night is over. Ivy, obviously, is going to bend to this task, oilcan-squeal of a voice and all.

SERENA & IVY GET SOME DATES

Serena: "Hey, will you be my date to that party I kept saying I wasn't going to go to? Because I have a scheme to do."
Dan: "Let me guess, Jane loves me again now that I quit the movie."
Serena: "No, you still aren't that relevant. But close."

Ivy: "Hey, why are you sulking in the Empire? Where I just stalked you?"
Nate: "Because I am so about this girl and she keeps pretending I'm just the stupid boy-toy she picked up in California. Which I am."
Ivy, massaging his thigh creepily: "You should fight fire with fire and make her jealous with me as your date, and also kiss me so I can be a bridesmaid of Blair Waldorf, a thing I want for no reason that sounds ass-terrible. Pick me up at six."

DOG PARK

Louis: "Dr. Barnes, here is another giant envelope of money out in public. How is it going with Chuck?"
Barnes: "You need to stop doing this, and stop calling me. I believe in Chuck again or something, whatever, my calling and career are secondary to how much I respect a teen rapist."
Louis: "[Gross French sounds.]"

But Chuck can see them! Because they are in public at the same dog park where he met Dr. Barnes! He hides behind a tree, and watches them give each other money and whatever, and maybe this is what will do it. He calls her and leaves this message that sounds like he is just about ready to talk about the skyscraper and/or jump off one. Maybe he will do her in. Maybe he will do something that is interesting, sometime.

SPECTATOR

Louis: "Child bride, you sleazy bitch. Are you done being horrible for no reason?"
Blair: "Almost! But not quite. Do you still love me?"
Louis: "One of the major steps of men's relationship to femininity and the anima is understanding the concept that woman has an independent morality, beyond one's own needs and viewpoint. So yeah, it literally doesn't matter."

Chuck: "Aren't you pretty. Do I know you?"
Diana: "No, you don't."
Chuck: "Are you sure? I think I recognize you."
Diana: "I have to go."

By Jacob Clifton

So somehow she has schemes and obsessions involving: Serena, Blair, Chuck, Nate and Gossip Girl. Oh, and Ivy. The only person is that if I told you Diana was here to mess with Dan, that wouldn't make any sense. Everybody else on the entire show, she actually came here from LA to fuck with. So dumb. Whoever it is, we're going to be like, "Duh," because it's everybody.

Jane: "Dan, it's so nice to see you! Serena, can I talk to you? Why the hell did you bring Dan here?"
Serena: "To make you think of him as more of a person. Which Dan Humphrey basically is."
Jane: "You are no longer involved in this movie. You're too close to it."

Ivy: Takes out one of the bridesmaids, it doesn't matter which one.
Blair: Approves.

Diana: "Serena, you came after all!"
Serena: "Yeah, I was worried too. Because of all those times I said I wasn't coming."
Diana: "Tell me all your secrets at this party right now."
Serena: "I need to get a movie deal called off so my friend doesn't get Zuckerberged."
Diana: "I will take care of that."
(She takes her old friend Jane in the back room and does unspeakable things to her.)

Ivy: Takes out another bridesmaid, in an even stupider way that doesn't make basic sense.
Blair: Approves.

Jane: (Comes out of the back with her hand over her eye and strange bruises all over her body.)
Dan: "Hey Jane! Can we talk more about that movie?"
Jane: "There is no movie. Ask Serena why. I have to go."

Diana: "I know the night's still young and the bar's still open, but I wanted to take a moment to thank everybody for coming. It means so much to me to know that if a bomb went off right this second, New York media would be over."

Everybody laughs. Nobody thinks that's weird or dumb. It is both.

Ivy: "Hey, did we make that person jealous?"
Nate: "I don't even remember what you're talking about."
Ivy: "Let's kiss!"
Blair: Approves.

Diana: "We are going to be different from Gossip Girl and other anonymous sites, which traffic in damaging rumors and innuendo... Some girl kissing my teenage boyfriend... Sorry, where was I? Um, the Spectator is only going to print facts. If you did it, you deserve to get caught! And we're gonna catch you! So with apologies to my other esteemed editors, starting tonight, I'm gonna be poaching your best reporters and stealing all your best stories. And bombing you! I have schemes on everybody all the time!"

Louis: "The paternity test showed me that some part of you thought you might still have a choice to make. And I needed you to see that Chuck will always be the wrong one."
Blair: "Louis, I don't know how many more times I can say this, but Chuck and I can never work."
Louis: "I'm guessing you will be saying it as many times as there will be episodes before our wedding gets cancelled and you have a miscarriage. That is how many times."
Blair: "Chuck destroys everything and everybody in his life. And he'll never change. But what's scaring me is that you're changing into him."

This whole concept: Will never come up again. Mark my words. Because God forbid Louis have a personality of any kind. Do you know how easy it would be? One non-plot scene. Him joking around with Nate, or with Dan, one conversation with Serena, is literally all it would take to give him a personality. He's been on this show longer than Ivy and yet somehow is still even more boring and contrived than she is. Even Raina Thorpe was more interesting than Louis, and she was the most boring creature ever hatched in a lab to do math.

CONFERENCE RM

Dan comes to yell at Serena some more, because that's what happens on this show, and before she can explain about the Zuckerberging, he yells about how this is about Sabrina and how ashamed she is because of the horrible shit he wrote about her. Serena laughs at her and says it was actually about his pathetic weak ego and not her self-image at all. And just like every time Dan mistakenly screams at her for no reason, he is surprised. But he won't remember this for time, no.

SPECTATOR

Ivy: "Maybe we should make out just for fun and not for an audience."
Nate: "I forgot that was even why. I smoke a lot of pot."
Diana: "Congratulations on kissing Nate, Charlie! You get to be a bridesmaid!"
Nate: "Wait, what?"
Diana: "It's okay, Charlie, he was lying to you too. For I am the girlfriend he was making jealous!"
Nate: "You are?"

Diane runs off for a tart cherry juice and they fight with each other.

EXT

Chuck: "Well, if it isn't the good doctor."
Barnes: "I thought you should know I'm gonna shut down my practice."

I guess that really was a story Diana would print. The one about the guy in the dog park. And now, even though her father has all these debts and she barely did anything wrong, Barnes is going to shut down her practice. I guess that's how that's going to go. I guess it's worth never having to listen to Barnes and Louis have conversations with each other in their accents. But first, more wisdom.

"You can change! Do you remember this morning when I asked you about Blair? I was trying to provoke you. But you chose something else, something better. You chose to let go. Continue down that road, and I'll bet you'll find some peace."

Chuck, once again, is so completely thrown by her pop psych read on things that he decides to change his life. Just like the last three episodes. Maybe she really is a genius. Too bad she's closing down her practice.

S BY S

Diana: "So you got fired, huh? Can I get you to blog on my website now?"
Serena: "No! I told you that I think blogs are evil."
Diana: "Right, and like I keep saying, I am not about attacking people online and spreading rumors. You keep saying that's what it's about, and I keep saying it's not."
Serena: "Then what it is about?"
Diana: "Taking Gossip Girl down."
Serena, verbatim: "Everyone reads her, and whether they admit it or not, everyone posts. This city is addicted to her!"
Diana: "Only because she writes about people like you. Cut out the middleman."
Serena: "I don't know. Reading and writing and stuff."
Diana: "Serena, you damnable fool. This is a chance to have your own voice. To stop the lies, and finally control your own image. Aren't you tired of swimming in Gossip Girl's fishbowl?"

There is a time when those words would have thrilled my very soul, because that used to be the heart of the show. But now, it just seems like another way for Serena to fuck herself over somehow. She'll be well-meaning and doofy, and then she'll say something or write something, or Diana will make her do a thing she doesn't think is right, and Dan will scream at her, and the whole thing will start over again. Expectations low. And no, you can't fool me with your beautiful Lana Del Rey song. We are on high alert right now.

SPECTATOR

Nate: "No more games. No more secrets. Either we're in this for the world to see, or we end this right here."
Diana: "Right. That's the point in the episode where this always happens. Cool."

WALDORF

Chuck shows up to apologize to Blair. It's fairly well acted and it's a neat little kernel of a scene, pretty well-written honestly, but here's the thing: When you do a therapy story, it's one of two things.

One, the one I like, is a very rare thing in a show, where a crazy person becomes sane and then the story is about how that doesn't actually solve anything, because problems still happen. This is why I got and stayed obsessed with Meredith Grey after years of hating her, it's why Starbuck was awesome toward the end of her story, and it's the only thing I really liked about Serenity. As a card-carrying member of the formerly walking wounded, I get a lot out of those stories.

By Jacob Clifton

S BY S

SPECTATOR

Nate: "No more games. No more secrets. Either we're in this for the world to see, or we end this right here."
Diana: "Right. That's the point in the episode where this always happens. Cool."

WALDORF

By Jacob Clifton

But the other thing that can be happening is that you are admitting that you fucked up the character so bad that you need a hard reset -- or that you've lost your gumption and decided that this latter thing is true even if it's not. I think that's what this is about, and I hate it, but how's this for an apology and redemption checklist:

"I'm not here to apologize about what happened tonight, [but] everything else. I'm sorry for losing my temper the night you told me Louis proposed to you. I'm sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building. I'm sorry for treating you like property. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I loved you when I knew I did. But most of all, I'm sorry that I gave up on us when you never did."

To her -- and the show's -- credit, she just thanks him with a sweet, sad smile. It's a fairly transformative moment whether you buy it or not. So he tells her she's going to be an amazing mom, and that after tonight he's going to focus on himself and making himself awesome, and she wishes him luck, and until week I guess that's true.

DUMBO

Rufus: "Sadly, you are not going to be on week's bestseller list. But I told the guy about Aaron Sorkin, and they said you can still win!"
Dan: "I have a story to tell you. It involves Serena. Surely you can see where I'm going with this."

SPECTATOR

Diana: "You know, Charlie, you're becoming more trouble than you're worth."
Ivy: "I know, I'm sorry. I was trying to do a good job for you by getting into the wedding party. I had no way of knowing that you and Nate were together. But now that I know, it's perfectly clear. Sorry, I'm really embarrassed."
Diana: "Nate's mine. Do I make myself clear?"
Ivy: "No yeah, like I just said that I get that."
Diana: "Because I'd hate to have to run a story tomorrow about a poor girl from Florida who Clark Rockefeller'ed the Upper East Side."
Ivy: "No, I said I get it."
Diana: "I mean, I would hate to have you murdered."
Ivy: "Yeah, we're on the same page."
Diana: "I am going to fuck your life in the eyesockets if you don't acknowledge that Nate is mine."
Ivy: "...Okay. Fine, whatever."

By Jacob Clifton

WALDORF/HARRY WINSTON

Blair: "Louis, it's totally fine that you are going to some country. I want to sit here and be mad at you for scheming, and also think about how Chuck apologized for everything at once and it was relatively touching. See you soon."

Meanwhile, Chuck puts the -- get this -- he puts the ring on the doorstop of Harry Winston, which is closed, because it's the middle of the night. I mean, it's kind of cool in that it's a gesture that nobody will see, which shows another level of how much he really is going to be okay or over it or whatever, but as this astounding image to end with, and "Video Games" playing, it's more just like, "Are you stupid?"

week: Max returns! Macbeth of a sort! Possibly Elizabeth Hurley keels over from scenery poisoning! Serena learns to read and write! Accents, accents, accents! Now that's a story I can print!

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.