Dan's graduated to Actual Whore, sleeping with random fans to combat his homelessness. Georgina's troubled by the effect of this gross (but oh so Dan) behavior on his rep, and decides to set up a Tom Cruise-style audition line for appropriate girlfriends. That's right. Dan's on the hunt for a beard. Which, looking back, is kind of the story of this show. (Not to mention the nonstop Serena abuse, which has always been a hallmark as well.) Anyway, he ends up taking over Serena's room in Blair's house -- while meanwhile, Serena finally deletes their sex tape... After Georgina's already stolen a secret copy.
Serena and Steven decide to make sexual histories for each other, I guess for lack of anything to fight about now that Sage is acting decent. S gets some hilarious one-liners in about her own horrible decisions, but the bomb that's eventually dropped is something Steven doesn't even remember: He hooked up with Lily at a wedding, several decades before any of us were born.
Which comes out on the Spectator, after one of those patented conversations where somebody (Bart Bass in this case) tells Nate to do a bunch of stupid things, and then he does all the stupid things he was just told to do. Long story short every gets mad at everybody else, and there are horses, and then everything is fine again and all the couples get back together.
In addition to once again indirectly causing Blair to ignore her own interests and focus on the much more boring ones of her lover, Bart secretly has a (controlling?) interest in Nate's "business" now, thanks to the aforementioned stupid activities, and Ivy's latest nonsensical plan to cause nefarious trouble of a random sort somehow involves itself as well, when she tips off Gossip Girl about the time that Rufus fucked Lily the night before she married Bart the first time. Which is such hoary aged news that pretty much the entire show just shrugs about it. Even when Ivy is like, "Remember how you guys have a secret baby?" Rufus is all, "I don't want to think about the past!" Then they kiss and it is so, so gross.
Bart lays down an ultimatum that Lily can't be around Chuck anymore, since he keeps telling her true shit that makes Bart look awful because Bart is awful. Lily tells him to shove it, but I assume the thing that happens is he buys her something, because Lily is also awful. Meanwhile, Chuck figures out that Bart faked his death to -- and if you're even still with us after how exciting all that was, here's the thrilling kicker that will surely send you over the edge -- avoid federal indictment for violating the Sudanese oil embargo.
Week: It's just a straight hour, presented with minimal commercial interruption, of a PowerPoint presentation regarding the precedents and international historical record that led to the Executive Order (#) which brought the trade embargo and asset freeze against Sudan in November of 1997. Narrated by Ben Stein wearing a Bane mask.