It's been a few weeks since Blair and Chuck's car crash, and this time without Gossip Girl has driven the Upper East Side insane. They're sending Serena nonstop emails and blasts about the intimate deets of the scandalous feats of Manhattan's elites, but she's not reading them.
And why? Because she cannot read.
Prince Louis and Emperor Chuck come together to figure out where Blair keeps disappearing to, and while Chuck pretends to enlist Dan's help in figuring out what she's up to, as usual it's Dan who becomes the human bait in Chuck's twisted plans. But the truth -- that Dan and Blair are accessing a secret passageway that leads through a magical condo into a hidden church where Blair has been getting psychotherapy from priests ever since she miscarried and then used her weird codependent powers over God to wake Chuck from his post-accident coma -- is so weird that nobody can believe it.
So yes, the deal with God was that if she went through with her wedding to old lily-lipped Louis, and convert to whatever made-up form of Catholicism she thinks she's up to, then Chuck would not die and join Jenny and Eric and Inspektor Pilot in the Happy Hunting Ground of people that Blair is over with. Which is stupid, like so stupid even Serena tries to tell her how stupid it is, you can see priest guy being like, "Swear to Jesus if that girl comes in here one more time tryna talk about fucking Chuck Bass," even Vera Wang thinks bitch is going crazy, but you know you can't talk old Blair out of shit. So she just keeps tearfully telling Chuck they can't be together and refusing to tell him why, but that hopefully it won't turn him into a dick like has happened every single time she has broken up with him. Needless to say, by episode's end he's declared war on both God and Humphrey.
While they're doing that, Serena for no reason decides to "pretend" that she is back dating Dan Humphrey to protect him from the gossip of Louis and Chuck, which is code for she's managed to find a way to make him be her boyfriend without actually realizing that's what he's doing, and therefore once again triumph over Blair Waldorf.
She's also the de facto new Gossip Girl of Manhattan, as Nate helps her understand, but it's a short-lived lovely glow, since the thing that happens is that the real Gossip Girl approaches him for a secret allegiance, with some tempting tidbits about how the accident that caused Blair's miscarriage and subsequent descent into mental illness was actually intended for him all along.
week: Lily's search for vanished Cousin Peepers unearths the real Charlotte Rhodes, codename Lola, who is currently enrolled at Juilliard -- of course -- while we get ready for the wedding of the century with a bachelorette party and those twinges of fear down deep in the belly that generally signal Georgina Sparks is on her way back into our lives.