The Captain & I

S04E06

Judge Kuhn, the military lady that scares Will so bad, approaches Alicia with a particularly rough case: Amanda Peet, a JAG lawyer who wants to bring civil charges against a reservist (Brian J. Smith, whom I always love) who attacked her in Afghanistan. The basics of the fight comes down to whether civilian contractors are part of the military, because you can't sue your own, and after a bunch of twists and turns Judge Abernathy (King Russell; quirk is that he's kind of a hippie) dismisses the case. It's a nicely brutal little meditation on women vs. women vs. men stuff, which parallels straight down the barrel into...

Maddie Hayward throws her hat in the ring to split Peter's Democratic vote, swearing she still loves Alicia and this was an unplanned move. Nobody's all that happy with her, but it's a really cool direction for the story to take -- especially in the end, where Peter turns down an offer to be her running mate based on the way she hurt Alicia's feelings. And that's not the only twist with the Indira Starr stuff this week: Eli gives Kristen Chenoweth the scoop of a family tragedy that connects Mandy Post back to Peter Florrick, losing Mandy her job and hopefully putting the story to rest for good.

Diane notices that Hayden and Cary are falling into man-love, and quickly gives Cary opportunities to do the social-climbing careerist thing he's so good at. As she pulls away from mentoring Alicia -- and Alicia and Cary have never been closer -- it's nice to see such dangerous developments happening outside her view. Especially considering the Alicia Florrick version of "loose cannon" she's been playing with lately.

Meanwhile, Alicia floats the idea of getting Jackie a male caretaker, resulting in some highly amusing and discomfiting flirtation that gets under Peter's skin. And in Savarese news, Alicia's overjoyed to be able to tell Nick and Kalinda both that his bid's been turned down and he has no reason to stick around in Chicago -- and then stressed out once again when Cary realizes he's got information that could reverse that judgment.

Week: More media attention for the Florrick marriage, the beginning of the Kresteva-Florrick-Hayward race, and Christina Ricci's Insane Face as some kind of shock-jock comedienne?

PREVIOUSLY

Plucky muckraking journalist Mandy Post nearly lost her job thanks to Kalinda's hard work on catching Eli's latest campaign monstrosity, Indira Starr, in a heap of crazy and lies. Mystery bajillionaire and busy busy businesswoman Maddie Hayward lurked, forming dark plans in the billion-dollar head behind her beautiful face. Bitchily heroic/heroically bitchy Trustee Hayden Clarke revealed a variety of yearnings while Cary found himself once again accidentally getting Machiavellian, not unlike the scorpion in a famous folk tale I heard once. Oh, and Nick found creepy surveillance of Kalinda and Eli in Lana's apartment, so Kalinda dumped her again.

L/G RECEPTION

Maddie Hayward: "I'm a busy busy businesswoman, how about you?"
JAG Judge Kuhn: "More of a servy-servy servicewoman, actually."
Mandy Post: "I used to be a plucky journalist. Now I'm more of a rogue axe-grinder holding on by a thread."
Maddie Hayward: "Busy businesswoman, of whatever stripe, must shoulder our busy business together. I too, on occasion, rock the side pony. Girl power."

They are so busy! All the ladies in Reception! Put your hands up!

Nick Savarese: "I am neither busy nor a businesswoman. But I sure do have fucked up ideas about how men and women ought to relate. You! Random fellow! Arise from your seat to let the busy businesswomen rest their high-heeled dogs. For they are busy."
Busy Businesswoman: "That's really not necessary. Especially considering you look and talk exactly like the gay sociopath in every Guy Ritchie movie."
Nick: "I served in Basra!"
JAG Judge Kuhn: "Thanks for your service."
Nick: "Are you starting shit with me?"
JAG Judge Kuhn: "I am the coolest cat you will ever fucking meet. I assure you, I am not starting shit. But I can put an end to it if you want."

Alicia: "Mr. Savarese, come away from those wonderful women. And Mandy Post."

FLORRICK/AGOS OFC

L/G: "So Mr. Savarese, I have some bad news that is actually very good news."
Nick: "Oh no! I won't be able to relocate to Chicago! But what about my fabulous and fascinating storyline where I drink Perrier in a scary way and occasionally get blowjobs?"
L/G: "A rare misfire, I'm afraid."
Nick: "So these people who finished first, I bet they cheated. I should have won! I had a token black guy!"

By Jacob Clifton

L/G RECEPTION

Will: "Oh no, Judge Kuhn! Please don't hit me. Why are you here?"
Kuhn: "To courtmartial you. Just kidding! I dropped by to see Alicia."
Will: "But so why are you still sitting around here? You're the best! You're weaponized Diane Lockhart!"
Kuhn: "I am content to wait. You'll never see me coming, if I ever do get mad."
Will: "Come right the hell with me, Your Honor. And keep your hands where I can see them. You scare the shit out of me."

Mandy Post: "Are you Maddie Hayward, the very busy businesswoman?"
Maddie Hayward: "Obviously. And who the hell are you?"
Mandy Post: "Mandy Post, former plucky muckraker for Synth magazine, now desperate muckraker for my life. Care to hear any of my horrible made-up theories about Peter Florrick?"
Maddie Hayward: "Make it quick, I'm very busy."

CONF RM

Alicia: "I'm so sorry I was distracted by that tiny man, Judge Kuhn. Ordinarily I would be up your sweater so fast because you're what I want to be when I grow up, but that particular tiny man has threatened my family and is married to my best friend and soulmate, so it's dicey. No worries, though, we lied to him about all kinds of things."
Judge Kuhn: "Tell Will Gardner to leave, Mrs. Florrick. This is lady business."
Will: "Um, if anybody needs me I will be sprinting away from this building with sweat flying off me like a Japanese cartoon."

The facts are these: While running a judicial panel on the mainstreaming of gender in the military, Kuhn came across a JAG Corps attorney who was assaulted least year on base in Afghanistan. You can't sue the military when you are military, so the case was deemed insufficient for criminal prosecution, but the kicker is that the guy in question was a private security contractor. So even though it's kind of bogus that she can't bring criminal charges anyway, the course of action is to bring a civil suit against his employer, Martinel Security. What we don't know yet is that the guy (Brian Jacob Smith, an actor I adore) is also a reservist, which makes it even more poignant to me and I'll tell you why.

I grew up watching GI Joe, against the wishes of my very hippie mother but also with her astrological acceptance (I'm an Aries, it was always going to be guns), which is how much of a hippie she was. And what's struck me as impossibly sad growing up is the idea that you want to be GI Joe so bad, and then for whatever reason you don't enter the US military, so you enter private security. Better toys, better armor, better guns, better everything, better command, better outlet for whatever it is that you need to get out.

In private security you get to play your wargames and run your tactical shit, but always secretly knowing that you're really only doing it for pretend. And for reasons that run entirely counter to the beautiful and naïve -- and incredibly wise, and brave, and large -- reasons that called you to service in the first place. And all you have to do for this privilege is ignore the fact that in trying to become GI Joe, you accidentally joined C.O.B.R.A. instead. That, honestly, breaks my heart.

GOLD & ASSOC

Eli: "Oh, gross. Didn't I already throw a bucket of water on you?"
Mandy Post: "You tried! But we're back printing the story again, for like the third episode in a row. This time the spin is that the story itself is topical..."
Eli: "A process story about the fake conversation revolving around a blogger who lives in his mom's apartment? [Verbatim, this bit.] When did the mainstream media become such a bitch of the blogosphere?"
Mandy Post: "Um, around twelve years ago when print died? Where have you been*? And also, nice quote. And also Maddie Hayward was here. But then she left. And she wasn't here to talk to you to begin with. And also I am just fucking you over at this point."

*(And further to that point, ten demerits to Slytherin for Eli saying "Gotcha journalism" in any context. How embarrassing for us all.)

GOLD OFC

Randoms: "...Blah blah discretionary firm blah blah..."
Eli: "Who the fuck are you?"

TRUSTEE OFC

Eli: "Who the fuck is in my office?"
Hayden: "Bees. Look, stop yelling about this. It's not your office anymore. In fact the last time you used it for any real purpose was two months ago before Kristin Chenoweth's 'accident.' I can't be having valuable space dedicated solely to your ego. Not when the hole where the 27th floor used to be is still smoking."

Eli: "If my candidate wins, we'll bring millions of business dollars!"
Hayden: "If Peter wins you'll do that anyway. You've got $250,000 of the capital contribution and 5 percent of the yearly draw. Don't bring numbers to Mr. Numbers, halfwit."
Eli: (Stomps so hard, like a frustrated hobgoblin in a fairytale whose stomps open a hole down into Hell. Falls into the hole.)

Hayden: "Meanwhile, Diane, look at this piece of paper. It says you and Will are stupid idiots."
Diane: "I'm not sure that it does, but your 'tude is already pissing me off and we're like eight minutes into the episode. If David Lee comes in here yelling , I swear to God I will lose my shit and take all of you down with me."
Hayden: "Whatever. I have to go make out with Cary now."

He runs out of the room and makes out with Cary for a little bit. Diane thinks about that:

White Entitled Guy + White Entitled Guy = ???

ARMY BASE

Judge Kuhn: "Amanda Peet! Attention!"
Capt. Hellinger: "Sir!"
Kuhn: "This is Alicia Florrick. She's wonderful."
Hellinger: "I don't need a lawyer, I am a lawyer. I'm doing this pro se, which means what you think it means."
Kuhn: "Yeah okay, but this is civil court. Regular people court. She's just regular. I'm doing what I can within the strictures of military law. Don't discount that. Think of me as Robin Williams in Aladdin: Phenomenal cosmic powers, itty-bitty living space."
Hellinger: "I don't have time to argue with a genie. I have to present a brief in two hours..."
Kuhn: "Let her read it, please."
Alicia: "I don't want to intrude..."
Kuhn: "Hellinger, ask her to read your motion."

(Even if she weren't the Queen of JAG or whatever she is, you know you would do whatever the hell she told you to do without even raising her voice, because the lady is more in charge than anybody you have ever seen, and plus even without her gravitas you still know she's probably working sixteen angles you don't even know about, so just do it already.)

Hellinger: "...I mean it's just a motion to compel the production of a witness, it's not anything special..."
Alicia, reading: "I can see that. And now that I'm in the position of providing you with comfort while I firmly deal with your problems, you will see me at my absolute best. Now, while I was calming you down I have finished reading and assessing your motion. I must say it's well-reasoned..."

Hellinger: "I find myself really in need of your approval all of a sudden."
Alicia: "It is because I am Alicia Florrick. Bad news, though, you won't win the motion."
Hellinger: "But you said it was..."
Alicia: "Too well reasoned, in point of fact. It's by the book, which is nice here in scary Army Town, but just makes you look like a first-year. Listen up. Cook County doesn't work based on pristine product, it works on being afraid of overturn on appeal. There's no fear of that here, because you look like a novice."
Hellinger: "I've been a JAG for twelve years!"
Alicia: "Exactly. Too many adjectives, not enough slippery grammar."
Hellinger: "Are you serious?"
Alicia: "Yeah, it's like opposite day out there. In here, you'll get slapped for not doing that stuff. But out there, nobody likes an eager beaver."

Hellinger: "I seem to have fallen in love with your prudence."
Alicia: "Not done! What this is, is a motion for Martinel Security to present your attacker in court for questioning, this Ricky Waters. And you don't know where Mr. Waters is being stationed in Afghanistan because they won't respond to your discovery requests. The trick is, don't ask them. They'll lie either way, because it's in everybody's best interest all the way up the line to wait this thing out. You have to do the legwork the system lets you do and find out for yourself."
Hellinger: "So how* do I do it?"
Alicia, verbatim: "Consultation's over. Am I hired?"

*SPEAKING OF KALINDA, HEH

Gold & Sharma walk very fast around and around a small courtyard like it's an Aaron Sorkin hallway.

Eli: "You gotta find out something about the magazine, or the editors, or that damned Mandy Post. They're all Democrats so it can't be politics, but there's something. Bias in the background, a job they didn't get, a lawsuit. Nothing is too obscure, I just need something to work with."
Kalinda: "What? Oh sure, no problem. Listen, we have to talk about something else now. Are you being investigated by the Feds?"
Eli, more and more paranoid: "Probably. What's up? Oh God, what are we talking about OH GOD"
Kalinda: "Chill, girl. This is a picture I found, can't tell you where, of you and I having a conversation through noir window blinds. So either this photo is about me, or it's about you."

It's sort of thrilling to think of how that might go. You got Lana, who's not above using the IRS and Lamond Bishop and Kalinda herself against each other in a neverending shell game of being creepy everywhere, and who doesn't mind getting you shot -- but then also Eli is the dirtiest clean guy you ever saw, and who is about to ride his pony -- the pony, in fact, that connects everybody on this show to everybody else on this show -- right into the Governor's Mansion. It really could be anything.

HELLINGER

Kalinda: "Here's the address and phone where Ricky Waters is right now. I got it for you just playing with my phone on the john, is how Kalinda I am right now."
Alicia: "First of all, you're amazing. Second of all, what is wrong? Your husband and whatever! I was so rude to him, you'd have loved it."
Kalinda: "Girl, I am just tired. My safe place is now my dangerous place and my dangerous place is now my safe place. I wanted zero tigers and one Alicia and now instead all I have is tigers and like half an Alicia at best."
Alicia: "Well, half of me is rootin' for ya."

THE HON "I AM THE 99%" JUDGE KING RUSSELL ABERNATHY PRESIDING

Abernathy: "Global warming is real, you guys. Now what's this about a motion?"
Alicia: "My client is suing the military contractor Martinel Security for the actions of an employee who tried to rape her."
Abernathy: "Welcome. I have great respect for all those in uniform, no matter how our government sees fit to employ them."
Everybody: "The fuck?"
Alicia: "The motion is to return a witness from overseas, but there's new stuff. Turns out he's on two-week leave, twelve miles away in Northbrook. On the downside, Martinel's going to deploy him back to Afghanistan in 48 hours, so we need to expedite this subpe..."
Opposing Counsel (Brian Dennehy): "No! My name is Bucky, I guess. And my client is Martinel Security, and they are immune from all civil actions, including this subpoena."
Hellinger: "...Because of the Feres Doctrine..."
Bucky: "Because of the Feres Doctrine."
Alicia: "Okay but the rules are that for a military contractor, they have to prove their aims and independence are subjected to the military. So unless Martinel can prove that the military ordered this rape..."

Alicia Florrick, ladies and gents. Fucks withheld until further notice.

Bucky: "I'm pretty sure that's offensive..."
Alicia: "What's offensive is using military exceptions to keep an employee from facing his accuser in court. After serving her country for twelve years I think Captain Hellinger at least deserves to face her rapist."
Bucky: "-- Accused rapist!"
Alicia: "Good point, scum."
Abernathy: "I'm with Florrick on this one..."
Bucky: "Really? Because I'm pretty sure most of these get overturned on appeal."
Alicia, verbatim: "Come! On! You'd be more subtle if you sent the judge a death threat."

Abernathy: "Yeah, but. Okay, let's argue evidence on how closely aligned Martinel is with the military."
Alicia: "We got 48 hours, man!"
Abernathy: "We can do a lot in 48 hours, sister. Get it done."

All service is about putting yourself under a higher authority. (Is it just me, or is the IN GOD WE TRUST sign over the Bench much bigger and brighter and more prominently framed than usual?) There aren't any Kalindas in Army Town, nor any Eli Golds either. Just the law, just the itty-bitty living space. Kuhn tells Hellinger to do something, that's an order, and you do it. You breathe, you remember who you are, and you do what's being asked of you.

And St. Alicia, being who she is -- being used to her own authority being of a higher caliber than anybody else's -- really has to pull and stretch against that, just to even understand it. Looking at these brilliant strong admirable women, Kuhn and Hellinger -- and seeing them nod and breathe (and lean into) bullshit she'd have already called Kalinda or Peter to fix -- is another path to growing.

The thing Judge Kuhn brings with her, much like Diane Lockhart herself, is the explicit exploration of how many ways there are to be a woman in territory the men still hold. This part is verbatim, but I love it so much:

Hellinger: "You're good!"
Alicia: "I've had practice."
Hellinger: "Take a compliment."
Alicia: "...Thank you. Let's win this."

K CHEN INVICTUS

Kristin Chenoweth: "Why am I here? Is this another ambush?"
Eli: "You get the real story, not the dumb fake one like Mandy Post. What do you know about her?"
K Chen, leaning in: "What do I want to know about Mandy Post?"

Eli: "Oh, it's good. Her cousin in Greater Illinois's going through a nasty divorce four years ago, and suddenly the wife accuses him of molesting their nine-year-old..."
K Chen: "That's dark, for this show."
Eli: "...The kid testified against her father and he was convicted..."
K Chen: "You're creeping me out right now."
Eli: "Prison for twelve years, currently serving his time. And just you guess who prosecuted him."
K Chen: "Four years ago, Peter Florrick would have been the SA the first time..."
Eli: "You can't tell anybody I told you this."

K Chen: "So you're saying my competitor, Mandy Post, wrote a story about Peter Florrick's sex life as payback for prosecuting her cousin?"
Eli: "I'm just saying it's interesting. I mean, he wasn't the prosecutor exactly..."
K Chen: "What are you even giving me, then?"
Eli: "The chance to do actual journalism. You haven't seen this chick's dead-eyed zealotry. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing Wendy Scott-Carr looking back. It'll fuck you up."
K Chen: "Well. I guess it's worth it to be on this show with everybody I love and where Jacob gets to look at me all the time. I just hope I don't get bonked by another..."

(The 29th floor crashes in on them, under a herd of rampaging elephants who are themselves being crushed by a fleet of cement trucks owned by Nick Savarese. Eli protects her tiny firm body with his own tinier, firmer body. They are both going to be okay.)

99 PROBS

Peter: "Hey Alicia, so like the story is coming out after all about our open marriage."
Jackie: "PETER! I AM DOING SOMETHING CRAZY!"
Peter: "Just a minute, Mom. Anyway, so now you know."
Alicia: "I have to admit this story still makes me giggle. Have we talked to Maddie Hayward? Are you okay for money?"
Peter: "Oh, she's somewhere in the shadows, grumbling like the Gmork. We're okay for now."
Jackie: "PETER! ACTING OUT OVER HERE!"
Peter: "Sorry, I have to go. My mother is being horrible."
Alicia: "What else is new. Is she firing her fifteenth caretaker?"
Peter: "Yeah, who knew she didn't like women?"
Alicia: "I would come over there and stab you through the hand right now for saying that, but I'm very busy. Listen, try getting her a male caretaker."

Peter: "What? Really?"
Alicia: "You got a shrew problem, fella. So tame it. If I'm gonna be babysitting her via you and Eli all the time, we might as well make it easier on all of us. Trust me, all she wants is a dude telling her what to do. Telling us all what to do."

Kalinda: "Are you cool?"
Alicia: "Honestly I don't even know. The only thing I know for sure is that I do not give a FUCK."

HELLINGER

Ryan Hood is the founder and CEO of Martinel Security, and guess what? He thinks this is not so much a legit rape.

Bucky: "So you're basically American heroes."
Hood: "We're totes unsung. Martinel, Academi, Blackwater. All real nice guys, once you get past the constant rape and butt-chugging."
Bucky: "And in the field, you answer to the military hierarchy?"
Hood: "Without the chain of command, we'd just be soulless mercenaries!"

Bucky: "So like Ricky Waters..."
Alicia: "Full-Blown Rapist Ricky Waters!"
Abernathy: "Chill, hon."
Bucky: "He trains soldiers in counter-insurgency techniques and the Foot Fist Way. Without him in Afghanistan basically America as we know it will end."

NO-FUCKS CROSS

Alicia: "Good morning, Mr. Hood. Or wait, I'm sorry. What rank should I use to address you?"
Bucky: "Rude."
Abernathy: "Good one. But come on."
Alicia: "Okay, sorry. Mr. Hood, what's the penalty for insubordination in the military? I mean like in Articles 77-134 of the UCMJ, what's the penalty for insubordination in a combat zone?"
Hood: "Oh, like missing the movement of a unit? Court-martial. And most probably detention."
Alicia: "Okay so any soldier not following orders from a superior into battle would be subject to court-martial? And you said your employees follow these rules, so they'd be subject to same?"
Hood, not getting it: "In a combat zone, yes."

Alicia: "Cool because on October 12, 2011, Martinel personnel were ordered by military high command to offer security in the Ghanzi province..."
Hood: "Not ordered, asked. Politely."
Alicia: "Well but you see I'm reading here from a General Order. Not a General Ask. But anyway, so you went on strike?"
Hood: "That was a joke in an email to a coworker in high command."

Alicia: "So in response to an order that was not an order, you went on a strike that was not a strike?"
Hood: "That's not a fair comparison! Because of ... reasons!"
Abernathy: "Yeah, I think we're done here. Bring me Ricky Waters by 3 PM today, or you're all getting arrested."

So beautiful. Also beautiful:

Hellinger: "We won!"
Alicia: "I am just getting motherfucking started on these dicks."
Hellinger: "No, I mean facing him in court. We've won."

LOCKHART OFC

Hayden: (Throwing a massive bitch fit about nothing.)
Diane: "You're being so mean. I don't get it. Hang on."

Diane: "Cary, Hayden and you are sitting in a tree, correct?"
Cary: "Yeah, basically. It's only like half me, though. Also, I'm only dating him to make you jealous. And because he is basically the boss of everybody. And because I am maneuvering on such an epic scale right now you can barely even see it happening. Less of a prolonged attack, more of a watch-and-wait."
Diane: "Do you have any idea why he's being such a douchebag in this episode?"
Cary: "He sort of has a crush on the firm? He really enjoyed doing the forensic accounting last week, and then I made him run numbers for Family Law -- basically just to see if I could -- and he loved that... I think he's identifying with us. I think he wishes he were more than a guest star."
Diane: "That's like the least horrifying possibility. Thanks..."

Entitled White Guy / Entitled White Guy = ???

Diane: "Hey, could you chill him out for me? Just over-the-pants stuff, nothing too weird."
Cary: "No problem. Quid pro quo, Clarice. Do you perchance know if Will has a problem with me?"
Diane: "No, everybody loves you now."
Cary: "Because I haven't been on a single criminal case, even though I was hired for my experience with the SA..."
Diane: "That is weird. I'll take care of it. Thanks for your help in return."

He walks out of there with canary feathers sticking out of his mouth, that incredible smile he likes to flash around, because: Win/Win. Most of all win for how this is going to turn out, with Cary the secret golden child that Hayden and the Name Partners will fight over eventually, rocketing him out of Alicia's office and into the stratosphere. But also Win for Diane, too. Why didn't she think of this years ago? Why even bother with the intermediary step of yelling at Eli and David Lee like schoolboys when she could have just gotten them sniffing each other's tails to start with?

L/G

Kalinda: "Why are you smiling like that? It's intense."
Cary: "Just partner stuff. And by that I mean stuff between me and a partner in this firm, not that I am playing everybody because I cannot help myself. Hey, you know that tiny hot untrustworthy blond man you're like constantly destroying? Not me, the other one."
Kalinda: "Oh God, what now?"
Cary: "I found out that one of the partners in the winning bidder was an ex-government employee, by a year and fifty-one weeks of the mandatory two-year exclusivity clause. So their bid was invalid by one week. Nobody will notice if we don't say anything..."
Kalinda: "You mean we have the option of not informing our client that we have accomplished the objective for which we were hired?"
Cary: "Kalinda, clearly I am giving you this like a bouquet of wonderful roses. I may not know the deets of your connection to Nick Savarese, but I'm not an idiot. Tell me to forget this."
Kalinda: "But then I would owe you. Maybe there's a third, even more Kalinda way to solve this. I'll get back to you. Assuming anybody lives through my plan, whatever it turns out to be."

FLORRICK

Peter: "Mom, this is Cristian!"
Cristian: "Cristian is fabulous today!"
Jackie: "This is clearly a dude. A beautiful one."
Cristian: "A man can be a nurse! It is the '90s!"
Jackie: "Even a Mexican?"
Cristian: "Cristian is Cuban! And fabulous!"
Jackie: "How much is my son paying you? In American dollars."
Cristian: "Forty an hour, forty-five on the road. Bonus if Cristian has to tackle you in the middle of doing something fucked up and doesn't break any of your brittle bird bones."

Jackie: "...Peter, I hate this Mexican."
Cristian: "You haven't given Cristian a chance!"
Jackie: "Don't eavesdrop, Cristian!"
Cristian: "Then gossip quieter, you old bitch!"
Peter: "Cristian is fabulous today!"

Seriously, his doubletake off Cristian's smackdown was maybe the zenith of all Chris Noth's three and some-odd years in this complex, oft-thankless role. Just beautiful. Like the sun coming out. Then Jackie and Cristian give each other the most insane side-eye, almost as intense than that one time with Alicia at the hair salon where it was like 60/40 Jackie was packing heat.

WATERS TESTIMONY

Alicia: "Are you cool? Because you just tracked Ricky Waters all the way across the room like a snake about to strike."
Hellinger: "Yeah, we're good."

Bucky: "Mr. Waters, thank you for taking time off from saving America to be here."
Waters: "I just want to clear up this horrible mistake."
Bucky: "Right, so the claim is that you attacked the Plaintiff on April 30, 2011, at Camp Dwyer in the Helman River Valley of Afghanistan..."
Waters: "Laura, I'm really sorry, but that didn't happen..."
Alicia, verbatim and terrifying: "Sir? Two things. Don't address my client. And when you do refer to her, it's Captain Hellinger."

Everybody leans back. Even Hellinger leans back. Mama don't play.

Waters: "Captain Hellinger was there negotiating roads and hospitals contracts. We'd run into each other socially at the Morale/Welfare/Recreational center..."
Bucky: "You were drinking at the MWR that night, right?"
Waters: "There was a party for new reservists, of which I was one..."
(I had that weird Spidey-Sense feeling when he said this, but I didn't know why until the end of the episode. Ugh.)
Bucky: "And then you both went back to her office in the 35th Combat Support Hospital..."
Waters: "We both had offices there, but yeah."
Bucky: "And you threatened her with a demotion if she refused to sleep with you?"
Waters: "That's not possible, I have no..."
Hellinger: "Because you're friends with Major Hart!"
Abernathy: "You gotta be quiet. This is a courtroom."

Waters: "Captain Hellinger was tipsy, I asked her if she wanted me to take her to her barracks. She said no. She kept hanging on me. All I can imagine is that she took offense at the way I was rebuffing her, I don't know..."
Bucky: "So she was asking for it -- begging for it, even -- but because you're an American hero you refused to give in."
Waters: "Yes. In fact, I sent an email at 0010h, which is when the attack supposedly occurred. Not to brag, but I do try to keep focus during my rapes. You never text while driving, and you never email while raping. That's just the kind of values they instilled in me at the Chauncy Stormtroop Center For Pretend Tactics, Concealed Weapon Licensing & Crossfit Aerobics, located just off the highway to a Ross Dress-For-Less."

Alicia: "Whatever, Kalinda will deal with this."

LATER

Kalinda: "He sent the email."
Alicia: "Dang. Well, maybe he's not the conscientious rapist he claims to be."
Kalinda: "Ah, but look at this list of all the emails that were sent that night. One of them was from one office over, three minutes later."
Alicia: "You mean somebody else was also multitasking during a rape, right door? What are the odds?"

FLORRICK OFC

Maddie Hayward: "Blahdow! What's up, Homegirl?"
Alicia: "Oh. Hey, Maddie."
Maddie Hayward: "What's goin' on, Friendo? What's the haps, Sistagirl?"
Alicia: "Look, I'm really busy, so..."
Maddie Hayward: "Are you saying we're not best friends?"
Alicia: "It would really be out of character for me to say that. Let's stick with 'What the hell do you even want?'"
Maddie Hayward: "I just wanted to tell you something super messed up!"
Alicia: "Let me guess, you're running for..."
Maddie Hayward: "-- I'm running for Governor of Illinois! Jinx, we're besties!"
Alicia: "Ugh, whatever. I was over this shit before you even walked in. Good luck with your campaign, dickhead."
Maddie Hayward: "Okay, well you're the first person I wanted to tell, because I am insane. Gotta go! Great seeing you! I feel like we're sisters! Don't you?"
Alicia: "I... God, sure. Fine."
Maddie Hayward: "Hit me up on the flippity-flip!"
Alicia: "Worst. Lesbian affair. Ever."

CAMPAIGN

Eli: "Why Alicia, what a pleasant..."
Alicia: "Maddie Hayward just came to my fucking office to tell me she's running against Peter. She says she knows the Synch story is a lie, but that won't matter to women. So she wants to represent women now that Peter can't."
Eli: "Yeah, or the timing of this is crazy suspicious and she was fucking with you by being your only woman friend, your secret Kryptonite."
Alicia: "Eli, if I even think about that I'll probably kill myself. Do you even know how bad I miss Kalinda?"
Eli: "Well, seriously thank you so much for telling me this so quickly..."
Alicia: "Also, we were very drunk together very many times, and I may have told her -- as my best friend, you understand -- some less than flattering things about my..."

Eli: "If you say the name Will Gardner to me right now I will punch you in the nuts."
Alicia: "God, no. Gross, Eli, why are you like so obsessed with that? No, just things like how I feel about Peter, about being in the public eye. About issues I think he's weak on. Oh, and like campaign strategies, old Grand Jury testimony, the history of every case he ever prosecuted as State's Attorney, the thing about the cops funneling drug money... You know, just girlfriend stuff."
Eli: "I'm gonna need to fully debrief you like whoa."
Alicia: "I know, that's why I came here instead of just 'phoning' you."

But right now everybody's super busy staring a hole in Cristian, who is working Jackie Florrick's shit like he's Gabby Douglas and she's the uneven bars. At one point he refers to her as "Robocop" and tells her to put her goddamn glasses on, and she laughs like a girl and it's so, so wonderful.

Jackie: "Cristian is, in fact, fabulous today!"

KUHN OFC

Alicia: "So the reason we're running to Mommy about this is that the witness who may have observed the attack is a Sergeant Wade Compton, who is still serving in Afghanistan..."
Hellinger: "...So we can't subpoena him, Colonel, and the command is rebuffing our efforts to transfer him home to testify..."
Judge Kuhn: "I know all of this. I'm Judge Kuhn."
Hellinger: "So we gotta get going! Kalinda this shit!"
Judge Kuhn: "You've clearly been changed by the outside world, Captain. You know I can't do that."
Alicia: "But you have shown such sympathy for..."
Kuhn: "Florrick. I have more sympathy than you can understand. I lived through fucking Tailhook, okay. But this goes beyond my ability."
Hellinger: "Got it."
Alicia: "Wait, what?"

Kuhn: "Spit it out, Alicia. You're the only Muggle I even kind of like."
Alicia: "You have to see what's going on here. The Army doesn't want her to win, they're siding with Martinel because they don't want their contractor undercut..."
Kuhn: "Yeah."
Alicia: "She's being pressured to quit! Did you know that?"
Kuhn: "No, but it's obvious."
Alicia: "THEN WHY MOMMY?"
Kuhn: "Stop playing on my emotions. This is the thing you aren't getting. I know exactly what you're saying. I know that you are right. Doesn't matter."

Think of it this way: I know that you, as an officer of the court, are bound to defend your client to the best of your ability without regard to his innocence or guilt. And why? Because that is your role in the adversarial system on which our entire idea of justice is based. When you have people that get uppity about that, that question your ethics as a part of this system for defending the guilty in a court of law, what do you say?

Not to them, you understand: What do you say to yourself?

This is a glorious system of which I am one single part, and the reason that it remains glorious is that I play my role regardless of how I feel about it. I am giving up, I am sacrificing that part of myself, in order to make a greater whole. I am absolutely essential to this process; this process is so large in comparison to me that I mean nothing. Both at the same time. Even when it is imperfect, even when things fall through the cracks, even though corruption seems inevitable, it is still the most human and the most beautiful system ever devised. That's the sacrifice to which I agreed, and those are the reasons.

And when you are a soldier, you are doing the exact same thing: Sacrificing the part of yourself that is not a murderer, in order to make the world safe. Taking other people's sins onto your own back. You will never forget the things you do; you will never get back that part of your innocence, and you will never be understood by people who have not been called to that service and that sacrifice. You are shouldering a heavier burden than anyone should be asked to carry, and you are doing it willingly.

That is what the military is; that is what service means.

Put those things together, now, and ask me again why I'm not helping you. We are here willingly, the Captain and I. We follow these rules willingly. The punishment for breaking them is much harsher than it is for us, just as it is for you as an officer of the court. The reason I'm not helping you is I cannot help you.

It goes without saying that I don't need more reasons than that. But on reflection I think you'll see that you don't either.

LOCKHART

Cary: "Get this. Hayden's freaking out because he's reading the Steve Jobs biography."
Diane: "Wait, what?"
Cary: "He's reading the Steve Jobs bio. That's why he says everything sucks or is quote crap. Same thing happened at the State's Attorney's office. Some managers think if it worked for Jobs, it'll work for them."

Diane: "That is awful. What do we do? What did you do?"
Cary: "It wears off. But I'll see if I can't talk him down."
Diane: "Hey, just offhand, here's two criminal cases I want you to look at. They might plead out, but I'm not sure."
Cary: "BOOM."

FERN BAR!

Long shot of Alicia with her red wine, sort of luxuriating in the horrible infuriating mess of the world; finally she rolls her eyes a little and looks over.

Alicia: "Thanks for doing this."
Kalinda, so careful: "Having a drink? Why not?"
Alicia: "So um, we could get that winning bid invalidated."
Kalinda: "My husband's bid?"
(Have they ever said his actual name to each other? I love that.)
Alicia: "As his attorneys, he asked us to check into Streckler Automotive's payoffs. He never said anything about their partners' work histories."

They vibe at each other for a while. It's like coming home, watching them work out their conversation so quietly, without speaking. Knowing that whatever Alicia says , it'll seem like a pivot, a change of subject. But it won't be. And Kalinda will be right there with her.

Alicia: "Do you love him?"
Kalinda: "...Nope. Gonna say no, honestly."
Alicia: "Then what."
Kalinda: "I have ... difficulty ... being away from him."
Alicia, again: "Is he dangerous?"
Kalinda, ashamed: "...Sometimes."
Alicia: "Shouldn't you stay away, then?"

Shouldn't you stay away, then? Is it that he gives you something you can't get somewhere else, or that he takes something away you don't need? Do you really need him, for that? Aren't you worth more than this? Aren't you at least as wonderful as I made you think you were?

Ladies. Ladies and their tigers.

But some have learned to ride:

PANEL ON THE MAINSTREAMING OF GENDER IN THE MILITARY

Kuhn: "And we're back. Just one more witness for the panel. Sergeant, thanks for returning from Afghanistan. We just have one quick question."
Sergeant Wade Compton: "Your Honor."
Kuhn: "What do you think of the mainstreaming of gender in the military?"
Compton: "What do I ... think?"
Kuhn: "Yep."
Compton: "Uh. It is good?"
Kuhn: "Thank you, Sergeant. You're excused."

It takes literally ever fiber in her being to control herself -- Alicia Florrick, I'm saying, comes close to losing her version of control -- and keep it to a simple, curt nod. But she can't stop herself from beaming up at Judge Kuhn, no matter how much Her Honor would prefer she not.

COMPTON TESTIMONY

"Sergeant Wade Compton. Camp Dwyer, Afghanistan. I serve as liaison with private contractors during training..."

Alicia: "So given your proximity to Waters and Hellingers' offices, did you have occasion to hear anything unusual..."
(Objection.)
Alicia: "It's an admission against [his own] interest. Sergeant Compton's job depends on positive reports from Mr. Waters, his superior, so anything negative that he says is therefore an exception to hearsay."
Compton: "I heard voices, Captain Hellinger and Mr. Waters, arguing. Uh, Mr. Waters wanted to have sex with Captain Hellinger and she resisted his advances. I heard them struggle. I think he ripped her clothes, and she kicked him, and then he called her a bitch. A nasty bitch, I think is what he said. And then she ran out of there."

And why not come forward? Because Waters is friends with his CO, and as liaison he's half a boss. Nobody's clean, but it's happening now.

Bucky: "So you seem clear on the events. Do you remember what time it was you heard this attack?"
Compton: "I email with my girlfriend at midnight, because of the time difference. I remember I was waiting for the return message, about 0015."
Bucky: "Uh, that's fifteen minutes after Waters' reserve deployment orders were issued. He was on active duty."
Alicia: "Fuck this, Your Honor!"
Abernathy: "Sorry, no. You proved the attack..."
Waters: "Did not!"
Abernathy: "...Ahem. But it happened after he was officially in the Army, which takes us back to Feres. If you can't prove a different timeline, I have to dismiss the case."

REAL TALK

Hellinger: "Uh, I wasn't watching the clock, I was trying to get out of there without getting raped."
Diane: "I know. But that doesn't matter. What matters is how long it went on. You said he was harassing you in the MWR? And then followed you back to the office. Like maybe it was one of those rapes that went on for a really long time all over the place."
Hellinger: "I don't know about those."
Alicia: "It's not lying so much as..."
Diane: "More fully remembering a past event."
Alicia: "It sounds like a rationalization, but really it's not. Like, we're talking realpolitik now, we're women and we know what being a woman is. You were hit on in the bar. You pushed him off. Maybe even laughed. Not because it was funny, but because it's the easiest way to make him go away."

Hellinger: "True so far. Then I went back to my office, but the thing is that I wasn't afraid until he followed me there."
L/G: "Do you think that he had the same intent at the bar as he did in the office? To have sex, or force you to have sex?"
Hellinger: "Okay but legally, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is whether I experienced it as one attack."
Diane: "Laura, forgive me for saying this, but you need to stop thinking as a lawyer. We're your lawyers. Experience it as a woman."

Exactly the train of thought that would be necessary and right and true and virtuous, if this weren't a military case. Maybe the outside world really has corrupted her.

TRIAL

Alicia: "So Waters propositioned you at the MWR and you said no..."
Hellinger: "He was... Persistent. As in, wouldn't take no. He'd been drinking, he was getting weird and angry. I felt endangered, I left the bar."
Alicia: "So this was a prolonged assault that started more like 2230, not just a random flareup out of nowhere 45 minutes later. Which shouldn't even be up for debate, honestly."

Bucky: "We're to assume you were in fear for your safety during this whole time?"
Hellinger: "Yes."
Bucky: "That's convenient, isn't it?"
Everybody: "WHOA."
Bucky: "Fine. Here's a text you sent your friend Lieutenant Parisi at that point."

Leaving MWR now. CK was blitzed. LMAO.

Bucky: "...Could you clarify for the court what LMAO means?"
Abernathy: "Fuck off, bro. Come on."

So happy I'm off tomorrow. Off to catch some Zs. Night, girl.

Bucky: "And that was at what, 2352. So, on your way back from the bar. Doesn't sound like you were all that scared."

That is so fucked up. It's the same kind of thing that makes me get so weird about the fatuous internet argument about whether or not women raping men is the same thing as men raping women. The absolute privilege of seeing these things as interchangeable, because you don't actually live in the world of social or sexual reality. (Not to mention the screeching nonsense hatemail I get when we talk about this, because nobody pushes back harder than somebody trying to prove that being against something as simple and non-negotiable as rape still somehow makes them heroes.)

"Were you cognizant of the possibility of getting assaulted during that part?" Uh, which part? The time between 2330 and 2350 that I was walking home, whistling in the dark and texting my friend because I was scared to be alone? That part? Or every minute of my daily life? You've heard of situational awareness, yes? Knowing who's around the corner? What men and dumb internet girls don't seem to be aware of is the fact that situational awareness is baked into the cake of being a woman. That for about sixty different reasons of physics, biology and causality, the two things are not equal.

The less-than-one percent of real-life sexual assaults committed by women against men notwithstanding -- and cry me a river -- will never make two genders the same thing, it's a ridiculous way to try and tout equality, and you're not being progressive when you scream about it on the internet. Just naïve and silly and trivializing actual abuse because you're too busy trying to win the social justice game by finding something new and interesting and hypothetical to be outraged about. Rape is a male offense, committed against both men and women, and you're in dangerous trouble when you do the math wrong simply because you are a child. Or a lawyer representing a private security firm full of rapists, I guess.

Which, whatever. Go be an otherkin, I don't care. But the reason that it's upsetting is that it's the same privilege and nonsense warping of obvious concepts that's playing out here: Were you scared enough? Were you almost getting raped long enough without any breaks to where you were just kind of almost getting raped? Was this rape legit?

CAMPAIGN

Mandy Post: "ARGH! DAMN YOU ELI GOLD!"
Eli, verbatim: "Get in line."
Mandy Post: "I got fired! You sicced K Chen on me like an attack dog, and I got fired!"
Eli: "I kind of almost feel bad for you. But also fuck off, 'kay?"

Cristian: "They say dancing the mambo is like talking to angels!"
Jackie: "Oh, you kidder!"
Peter: "What. The Fuck. Is Going On. Over Here."
Jackie: "Oh, you were so right, Peter. I just had to give him a chance. Cristian is fabulous today!"
Peter: "Sigh. Cristian is fabulous today."

Jackie, swanning out of there: "Good eeeeevening, Mr. Gold!"
Eli: "Oh my God! That is amazing!"
Peter: "..."
Eli: "What. She's happy."
Peter: "Fuckin' I'll say."
Eli: "Listen, whatever keeps her off my ass."

HELLINGER

Abernathy: "Captain, I am... Everybody sit down. Captain Hellinger, I have given this so much thought. And I am truly sympathetic to your..."
Alicia: "Ah, dammit."
Abernathy: "To be denied justice in military court was tragic..."
Hellinger: "Yep. Dammit."

Long story short, the rape was.

Waters: "Laura, no hard feelings...?"
Kuhn, from nowhere: "Step back."

He runs. Like a tiger's chasing him.

Alicia: "So we'll appeal..."
Hellinger: "No, we won't. You still don't get it. I told you we won when we got him in court."

Alicia just sits with her for a while. IN GOD WE TRUST hangs over them. Itty-bitty living space.

Hellinger: "Civil trials, huh? What do you do when it's all over?"
Alicia: "You start up again."

CAMPAIGN

Peter, hanging up: "...Do I gotta keep giving out phone handjobs for money, Eli?"
Eli, through the wall: "There will always be more phone handjobs, Peter..."

Maddie appears, and he goes into Sam the Eagle mode so fucking fast it's like the shadows creep up around him. To be fair, her attempts to be cool about this play straight -- not quite the wide-eyed delusional "everything's going to be okay" I was joking about earlier. For what it's worth, I think she's telling the truth. She had no agenda, she loves Alicia, all of it. I mean, we'll see. But there's just something so satisfyingly unsatisfying about the way she keeps pinky-swearing that she's not trying to be a jerk, and they all just like viciously shut her down. Like they deserved this, and she's taking it away from them because she has more money -- that's how it feels, to watch. I think the most subversive, Good Wife-y twist would be if she was just a pretty cool lady.

Peter: "The competition."
Maddie Hayward: "Couldn't let you run away with it, could I?"
Peter: "So what, your innermost feminist demanded satisfaction?"
Maddie Hayward: "Kind of. I've been pretty honest about that from the beginning."
Peter: "And I will be honest with you. I'm gonna beat you, first of all. And then I'm gonna beat the Republican, Kresteva..."
Maddie Hayward: "No, Peter. You need money. I have money. I'm willing to spend my own. People are drawn to people willing to spend their own. Maybe you'll beat me, but you'll be tapped out, and Kresteva will outspend you. But there is another way."

Peter: "Oh my God, the drama with this lady. Eli, you hearing this?"
Eli: "Ask her to contribute to the campaign! That bitch has money to burn!"

Maddie: "What about if you dropped out, and became my running mate?"
Peter: "Lieutenant Governor? To a lady?"
Maddie: "You'd be good at it, and it's a good position, and you wouldn't lose."

Peter: "You used my wife. She feels like an asshole now."
Maddie: "See but I didn't! I befriended her! I didn't know I was going to do this, seriously. It all just kind of happened."
Peter, insightfully indeed: "You know, I can trust a cynic and a con man. But I can't trust a hypocrite, because the hypocrite doesn't know when she's lying. And that's the most dangerous liar of them all."

First of all, that's stunning, and beautifully delivered. And but also, it kind of gets past the whole "was she or wasn't she" question altogether. The fact is, she did. And what he says is basically true no matter how many narratives there could be about it. Whether it was one prolonged assault.

Maddie: "So that's a no?"
Peter: "Bitch, that's a fucking never."
Eli: "Peter Florrick is fabulous today!"

WEEK

Peter Florrick's penis: Has it any identifying marks? Find out Sunday, at some point in the evening that you won't know until it happens, because CBS.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. An essay on Friday Night Lights is available this week on BenBella's SmartPop! site, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared last month on Tor.com.