Why's everybody working on the weekend? They all have different reasons, but do you really need even one when it involves Cary Agos in his civvies? It's like that old thing of, Could God make a burrito so hot that God could not then eat said burrito? If the burrito looked like Cary Agos in a $300 hoodie and yoga pants, maybe. Maybe it would be that hot.
Last episode ended with a bit of a Florrick campaign straw poll cliffhanger, if you'll remember: Eli got a call threatening a blog story about Mandy Post's theories on Peter's marriage. So you got Jackie wandering around hallucinating, Maddie Hayward hanging around having unspecified feelings about Alicia, and then Alicia gets the call: Lamond Bishop's accountant has just been arrested.
Eli calls Will for help with the blogger, which eventually gets back to Peter when the blogger's blog is eventually blogged and hacks him off for several obvious reasons. A sexed-up photo of the alleged campaign worker Indira sends the post viral, and things get very Gossip Girl at the straw poll with everybody turning on Peter instantly -- including Maddie Hayward, whose feminism means she's really offended by unfounded gossip about things that didn't happen. And who eventually invites Indira to the straw poll, because she is kind of a busybody apparently. She pulls her support from Peter's campaign, meaning that she is of no help on any level at this point, which will probably convince Alicia to be her best friend forever.
Annabella Sciorra, the lawyer representing Bishop's criminal interests, meets Alicia and Diane at his house for some incredible verbal sparring, then everybody splits up and does various kinds of research -- Cary tagging along adoringly after his new object of fascination, weird old Nathan Lane -- they figure out that Bishop's people are laundering money through his legit businesses, but the problem ultimately is a failed side business in HGH.
But while we're figuring all this out, the FBI (including Bishop's ultimate FBI stalker and Kalinda's girlfriend and sometime stalker, Lana Delaney) moves in. There's an amazing run-in where Kalinda is giving the undercover FBI guys hell, to the point where Lana yells at her from inside the van to leave 'em alone (both of them find this scenario as amazing/charming as anyone would), and they move in for the search. Kalinda warns Alicia, who -- after a few moments of indecision -- warns Bishop, who immediately goes after whatever evidence the FBI is looking for.
Nathan Lane and Cary are falling deeper and deeper in love -- in such an amazing way, it's like watching Kalinda meet Eli all over again -- and the Trustee gets a taste for forensic accounting and generally being around lawyers and doing lawyer-type things.
While Diane supervises the FBI search, Alicia takes care of Bishop's kid outside and Cary suggests that he get himself arrested so they can unseal the warrant and find out what's going on with the FBI: One of the informants they've got in Bishop's organization has gone missing -- Kalinda finds her rotting in her own car trunk -- and it looks like the boyfriend is the one that did it. Lamond gets Alicia to draw up a quick guardianship for the kid, just in case this goes south, and lets the FBI in on Kalinda's horrible discovery, and submits to a slow-mo musical montage arrest.
So in one hour, we go from wondering if L/G are going to steal Lamond's drugs business for their own (Alicia's horrified, but both Lockhart and Gardner are pretty blasé about the fact they've considered this all along; Nathan Lane is like, "Why wouldn't you?") to watching him dragged out into the night, in handcuffs. Pretty sad story, altogether, but I guess the point is don't sell drugs and be a huge thugged-out criminal if you love your kids. It seems pretty simple but I guess we needed to reiterate that: If you were thinking about operating the largest meth network in the Midwest, you should know there may be consequences.
What else. After a near-offensive first meeting with his token business partner convinces him to stay in town just to mess with his wife, Nick tosses Lana's apartment. Kalinda's attempt to rain hell down on him, in the midst of his unending butthurt love talk, goes awry once again. In this case, it's because while acting creepy at Lana's, Nick learned she's investigating Kalinda's ties to Eli Gold, which gets really complicated real fast when you think about it. Eventually, she breaks up with Lana to protect her, but we'll see. Oh, and there's a funny moment in Nick's hysterics where you realize that his obsession really just comes down to him being the first and worst of the many men, women, mailboxes et cetera to fall victim to the Kalinda Effect.
I know what a burden it can be, when people are constantly falling in love with you because you're so amazing. But not once did I ever think to wonder what that's like from the other side. So I guess I'm growing as a person. Thanks, show.
Week: Amanda Peet! Peet in the house! So excited for that. Amanda Peet in a military uniform, yowza. Oh, and possibly Maddie Hayward has been playing all of us this entire time and is actually Peter's new opponent or something? I am so tired of not having any clues what's going on with her, I hope the lead-up is worth it. Bet it will be.
PREVIOUSLY
Previously have there ever been Previouslies on this show? It's part of the attempt to pretend to be a procedural that they never have those. But since we haven't seen Lemond Bishop since his wife "disappeared," and we haven't talked about the FBI's interest in him in a while, and since this entire episode is about that, I guess it makes sense. And since we're already doing "Previously there was this guy Lemond Bishop," you might as well toss in "Also this Maddie Hayward is up to something, nobody knows what it is," and "Kalinda's backstory has become a hopeless nonsensical mess" while you're at it.
BISHOP
Lemond's taking care of his kid's morning activities; Dylan's having a birthday party he's very excited about, and what we know that he doesn't is that nobody's coming to his birthday party, due to his father being the premiere drug kingpin of Chicago. So there's a bounce house coming, and nobody to bounce in it. At least, until he's got the kid off to school and then all of his phones start ringing. Which, since he's a drug dealer, he has like eleven thousand phones.
THE STRAW POLL
Is happening in the AM, which I wasn't really clear on. It's a Saturday morning, which means either everybody has been standing around without moving, like mannequins, since last week, or much of the last episode's final act took place on a Saturday morning, which I guess I just wasn't getting. Anyway, Saturday morning, and all the things that were happening at the Straw Poll last week are still happening.
Jackie: "Such as me staring at invisible bugs instead of talking to Alicia."
Alicia: "Or me realizing that Jackie's finally lost it."
Maddie Hayward: "Or me standing around in the middle of other people's stories like usual, for a mysterious reason that is only now coming together."
Jackie: "Who are you, even?"
Maddie: "I'm paying for everything."
Jackie: "Then I guess I better be nice to you. Or insult you, depending on how I feel."
Pollster: "Or me hanging around and being about to crawl up Eli's ass in a forthcoming scene to drop the line that finally explains what Maddie Hayward is up to."
Eli: "Or me. talking to Jimmy V of PoorAnarchy.com about his blog post about a magazine story that never happened, thanks to Mandy Post being a weird zealot, and then being super bitchy to an intern, because have you met Eli Gold."
Kalinda: "Or me, who is not actually in this scene but does a lot of interesting shit in this episode, for the first time all year."
BISHOP
Lemond has summoned Alicia and Diane, in particular, because what that phone call was about was that his accountant has been arrested. No search warrant as yet, which buys us some time, but the Big News is that he's also called in his, ahem, other law firm, the one that handles his non-legit businesses.
Annabella Sciorra: "I'm the other lawyer, the drug-handling no-kidding-around criminal lawyer that handles all the stuff you guys are too good for."
Diane: "I am going to feel free to treat you like trash, then. Even if I'm moved to the No Giving Fucks side of our company philosophy, some habits die hard."
Alicia: "I just wish we could all be friends. But for the record, I secretly judge you too. In fact the only person I have any compassion for -- typically enough, for me -- is Lemond Bishop, which is kind of the awesomest thing about Alicia Florrick."
At first I thought they were belaboring this point, because they keep talking about the Chinese Wall again, but then it starts to make sense: Holding on to Lemond was already a tainted proposition, and now they've got the Trustee breathing down their necks it starts looking more and more like "Why are we splitting hairs pretending we only work for the Harvey Dent side of Lemond Bishop, when we're in over our heads financially and he's the same complicated guy either way?"
Which takes us right into ratfuck territory, like, Alicia's journey for three years has been diligently setting up these mental boxes and saying that as long as she can logically overlook the shitty things she's involved in, then she stays clean -- and then just as quickly having to dismantle those boxes and rearrange her insides when that system no longer works. And so as the soul of Lockhart/Gardner -- as Will is its mind and Diane is its heart -- it only makes sense that as she grows, so too will the firm grow.
Which makes Lemond Bishop central not only to the episode, but also to the show as a whole -- which I know he always was, because he's one of the beasts (Colin Sweeney, Peter, Eli, even Will) that only loves Alicia -- but matters especially now, because of the secret of Maddie Hayward and how the trickiness of being Peter's Good Wife is about to twist itself once again into newer and scarier places. So where Alicia's challenge and the hands-clean dirtiness of L/G come into alignment is here: Settle the question of Lemond Bishop and you settle both of their journeys for at least the remainder of this half of the season.Lesli Rand (Sciorra): "We have friends among the cops, we'll know something soon."
Alicia: "Is there maybe a point to be made here about the ongoing problem my corrupt husband seems to be having with the corrupt police force? Too soon to say."
Diane, verbatim: "And since this is probably a drug-related issue, do you want us to help Cutner & Paradini look through their legal work?"
Lesli: "Oh, fuck you. Jesus Christ with that."
Lemond Bishop explains, once again, the dual-firm setup he's got going on, and tells them work together to figure out why the accountant was arrested and when or if he will also be arrested. On his son's birthday.
Lesli: "How's bankruptcy, Diane?"
Diane: "How's your RICO trouble, Lesli?"
Alicia: "Is there maybe then also a point to be made here about the ongoing obsession of FBI Lana with Lemond Bishop? Too soon, again, to say."
Diane: "Will, here's the situation."
Will: "Maybe if we make Lesli look bad, we can take his non-legit business from them. We only make five million a year doing it clean, and his drugs stuff is like twenty."
Diane: "Or more!"
Alicia: "HEY WAIT A MINUTE."
Diane: "Alicia, stop listening to my conversation. This is really just a patented Good Wife segue to get the scene back to L/G with our trademark sense of momentum. Do you not hear the music speeding up?"
L/G
Will: "Nathan Lane, I just got the narrative hand-off from Diane about possible new business. But it's a drug dealer."
Hayden: "So?"
Will: "So we are very classy. If other people hear we're working with Lemond Bishop's drug business, it could..."
Hayden: "You already work with Lemond Bishop, idiot. And it has already burned you more than once. What's the problem? We're all mad here."
I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you ever start to feel like you're selling out, you have to ask yourself who you're trying to impress. Chances are, they're imaginary and/or don't actually care.
Eli: "Will, I have a thing and I can't talk to you about it. I need Mommy."
Will: "She is really busy, like for real. What can I do for you?"
Eli: "Peter's going to eat my face for this, but... Could you do Gold & Assoc. a solid by intimidating this blogger Jimmy V?"
Will: "Sure, I'll harass him right away. Anything toward the vain hope of making Peter like me. Or else because I, like Kalinda, am so in love with Alicia that I don't mind working for Peter."
Will: "Hey, Kalinda. Would you mind carrying the narrative football into a fourth scene? That music can only get a certain amount of intense before we're into 'addendum' territory and everybody has a heart attack before the credits."
Cary: "Kalinda, there's a tiny hot man in here talking about tow trucks. If you can't tell by my sexy weekend garb, I am not in the mood to work. I could very well be on mushrooms right now, you don't know."
Kalinda: "Hey Cary? There's a thing I think you should know about the tiny hot man."
Cary: "What is it? Are you married to him or something?"
Kalinda: "You know what, never mind. It's too weird. Plus, you don't have the benefit of being in the FBI -- or Peter's wife -- so if he knows about our weird vibe he might kill you. Seems like every day I'm confronted with yet another relationship I took for granted, as I was putting down roots without admitting I was doing so."
CARY & NICK
Cary: "Kalinda Sharma, this is Nick Savarese and this is Gavin Wells, the token black guy we foisted on him to get that RFP for the City."
Kalinda: "Mr... Sheboygan, is it? Mr. Sineadoconnor?"
Nick: "Just call me Nick, you little minx. Now, as far as this tow truck thing, I've decided to balk at giving this guy 50 percent of the contract just for being black."
Kalinda: "My understanding is that you've been over it. I know he's incredibly sketchy, but then so are you. 50 percent of nothing is nothing, so maybe you should just do what you're told."
Nick: "So for the record, you yourself are advising me to move my business to Chicago and incorporate with this ne'er-do-well?"
Kalinda: "I'm saying do whatever the fuck you want, I won't care either way. Goodbye."
Kalinda: "Your concern is sweet, Alicia, but he's just being a dick. I'll check into the accountant's family and see what I can find out about Bishop's situation. Oh, and Alicia? I didn't tell Cary Nick was my husband. I'm new to being a person and I wasn't sure how to negotiate that. Okay?"
Nick: "Lesbian girlfriend again?"
Kalinda: "Kind of. I mean, no. I mean, we charge you every time you walk in here. Cary gets $400 an hour and I get $175. Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to be a dick on my voicemail for free?"
Nick: "Does your lesbian girlfriend know you're married?"
Kalinda: "This is SO BORING. This story could have been SO GOOD."
But this part, it's interesting. I didn't catch it the first several times I watched the scene, but it's actually pretty amazing:
Nick: "I don't mind you working, I'm open-minded that way. But I do mind you sleeping with other women, I mean, call me old-fashioned..."
Kalinda: "You are a fucking idiot. That wasn't even Lana, it was work."
Nick, verbatim: "Your voice on that phone was not work, 'Kalinda.'"
And she comes at him. Hard. And I didn't realize why all week, until today. It's because she knows damn well what her voice does when it's Alicia on the phone. And for him to suggest something prurient about that -- about the love, the pain of being apart from her for the last season-plus, the gratitude at the incredible kindness Alicia is just now beginning to show her -- it's vile. It's not just gross, or counter to the innocence and virtue of her courtly love of Alicia, but actually sickening. It's not just L/G's soul, she's saying, that Alicia carries with her.
Cary: "Hey, for a client and somebody you just met, that sure does look like a fistfight you guys are having."
Nick: "It's fine, it's fine. You know how British-accented Canadians with criminal pasts can be."
Cary: "Kalinda, are you sure? Because I would like nothing better than for a firefight to erupt so I can throw my body in front of yours again."
Kalinda: "The fact that you offered is more than enough."
Nick: "Cary, get the paperwork and your black man ready. Kalinda's just convinced me to move to Chicago full-time."
POORANARCHY
Will: "Jimmy V? This is Will Gardner calling to say that I am going to sue you for $3M if you print that story about the story they didn't print."
Jimmy V: "But technically it's true! There was a story that was never printed! I am a bottom feeder!"
Will: "Okay, well, it's also defamatory and he has deep pockets and a complicated relationship with literally every single person in our entire firm."
Jimmy V: "Fine, send me a C&D and I won't post it."
Will: "Post it, and your life is garbage for dogs to eat."
Jimmy V: "Cool, just send me that C&D in the five minutes."
Will: "Eli, he's playing you. He's going to print it either way. The internet doesn't work like we think. I just figured that out."
BISHOP
Kalinda: "Actually, the Feds did have a search warrant for the accountant, and they took his files."
Lawyers: "So let's look into his crew, because the Feds don't just go digging like that."
Kalinda: "Also, it's not about your drug business. It's about the legit stuff. And in fact, they took files on all 20 of them so we don't even know which one."
Lesli, awesomely: "So Diane, do you need help going through your legal work?"
Everybody: "Good one. But shut up."
Bishop: "Clearly they're going after some small oversight so they can arrest me and bring down the whole thing. Figure out what. And I want Alicia here for when the cops do come. I don't want my son scared, and I don't want an 'accident' to befall me during the arrest."
Diane: "That's not going to happen."
Bishop: "Pardon your privilege, white lady, but yes it is. And also what is happening is that Alicia is spending the day with me and my son."
Diane: "Is this okay?"
Alicia: "Are you kidding? This is my dream job. I haven't gotten to tangle myself up this bad in a villain's shit since that time we sent Colin Sweeney into that jail to get stabbed."
Diane: "And you know it's just because of Peter?"
Alicia: "At some point you're going to have to stop asking me that, sister. It's always going to be about Peter. Just use it and be glad you have me."
Diane: "To say nothing of how nice I'm gonna have to be once Maddie Hayward shows her hand and I get guilty for being so jealous and bitchy about your fake friendship."
CREDITS
While waiting for further developments, Alicia and Lemond go through all of his people to determine all the different ways they could turn on him or open him up to crap. In the middle, Dylan comes home still excited about his birthday stuff, and Alicia gets to burn the image of motherless Dylan in his father's strong arms into her brain some more.
Alicia: "Hey, Peter. Sorry I left the straw poll, but..."
Peter: "Hold off on your apologies, because here's what is going on with me. Mandy Post handed that fake story to this blogger, and so now he's running it as a process story. He gets eyeballs and sensationalism, and Mandy gets to satisfy her crazy. Everybody wins except me."
Alicia: "Ah, well. Death of print journalism, 24-hour news cycle, whatever."
Peter: "You seem blasé."
Alicia: "No, just resigned. I secretly like being better than you, and I'm not the one running for office, so..."
Peter: "Love you, honey. I'll call the kids and let 'em know they're going to be hearing about Daddy's dick some more."
Alicia: "Oh right, we have kids."
Bishop: "You know what bums me out more than my forthcoming incarceration or the systematic destruction of my entire empire? His birthday party is going to suck because nobody will come."
Alicia: "That's so sad. But also it kind of makes sense, because maybe just don't be a drug dealer? And then these things wouldn't be happening to you?"
L/G
So prime guy to check on first is a Dexter "Dex" Roja, who may have been moved prematurely into management, and whose six businesses we'll be focusing on. Diane, Will and Cary settle in to check up on stuff, with Hayden sitting by playing Angry Birds.
L/G: "That doesn't actually help, his records are a nightmare."
Hayden: "Check the footnotes, that's where accountants stash the bullshit."
Will: "How do you know? How do you know anything, useless Hayden Clarke?"
Hayden: "I was a CPA for 22 years. Where does an accountant put his mistakes?"
Diane: "I dunno, where?"
Hayden: "In the footnotes, idiot."
Diane: "Oh, because I thought you were setting up a... You used a common construction signifying... Never mind. Fuck me for thinking you were a human being."
Cary: "Hayden Clarke, look deeply into my eyes. Get lost in them."
Hayden: "God help me, I have never been this turned on or this devoid of free will."
Cary: "Good, now listen. Hayden Clarke, you will help us with this bookkeeping stuff."
Hayden: "I will help you with this bookkeeping stuff."
STRAW POLL
Rando Journo: "Eli, what's a win to you?"
Eli: "Duh, the majority of straw poll votes?"
Rando Journo: "Come on, you got this hands down. But I'm hearing you need 95 percent to keep the other two Democrats from being contenders..."
Maddie Hayward: "...Did somebody just say my name? No? I'll just go back to lurking around for no reason, then."
Eli: "Only the lamestream media would call a 90 percent landslide a loss."
Rando Journo: "So you're looking at a 90 percent landslide, then."
Jimmy V posts his story; Eli shoves the RJ out of the way so he can go scare Peter.
Eli: "Plus, he used 'social media' to make it 'go viral.' Words and concepts such as those."
Peter: "Aw, fuck."
Eli: "...Oh no, and he even mentions the C&D call from Will Gardner..."
Peter: "The what and from whom?"
Eli: "I know, I know. But Diane wasn't around, and I was scared..."
Peter: "Will Gardner cannot be involved in my shit, Eli. Not only does that impede on my masculinity in a fucking vital way, and keep him involved in my marriage, but also my wife slept with him and this whole thing has been about..."
Eli: "Don't tell me how to do my job, Peter. Unless it's about me letting you think you came up with the ideas I trick you into buying. And anyway he didn't even send the order, so now it's about two things that didn't actually happen. It's still the opposite of news, just a chronicle of stuff that didn't end up happening..."
Peter: "Which is why we're going to let this whole thing slide, because fuck it. As long as there aren't any secret Democratic opponents ready to step into the..."
Maddie Hayward: "That is so weird! My ears just won't stop burning!"
LEMOND BISHOP'S LEGITIMATE BAKERY
Baker: "Are you accusing me of skimming or something? Like I'm going to embezzle from the scariest person..."
Cary: "No, it's not a discrepancy of the sort that would get you killed, it's just that... You show him, baby."
Hayden: "[Forensic accounting math that gives Cary Agos a boner.]"
Baker: "Fine. The income surplus you're talking about was used for 'benefits,' meaning we bought them memberships at a health club, which obviously is also owned by Lemond Bishop, because this is obviously about money laundering."
LEMOND BISHOP'S LEGITIMATE HEALTH CLUB
Club Chick: "May/December gay relationships like yours could really stand from some health club time. I applaud your..."
Cary & Hayden: "We're not gay! We are fighting evil with math! We are barely just falling in love!"
Club Chick: "So anyway, health club blah blah..."
Hayden, observant: "-- Why does that juice bar look so closed down over there, despite showing massive revenue on my spreadsheet?"
Cary, overwhelmed: "I will do you right here, dude."
L/G
Diane: "I knew it! Sciorra, you're laundering money through our side?"
Sciorra: "Untwist 'em, Lockhart. Your 'legit businesses' wouldn't exist without mine."
Diane, verbatim: "I don't know what's more startling, your sanctimony or your hypocrisy!"
Sciorra: "Right back atcha, lady. But guess what, that gay couple who works for you just found a discrepancy in the health club juice bar. Not my deal."
BISHOP
Dex: "There's nothing wrong with the juice bar, beyond being closed and still making money."
Bishop: "Just tell us what's going on."
Dex: "I was just doing what you said! Being entrepreneurial! A self-starter! A seller of HGH!"
Bishop, scaring Alicia: "What the fuck part of 'don't sell drugs on the legit side' passed you by? How do you not get the Chinese Wall thing, when it's all we ever talk about?"
Alicia: "Whew, it is getting scary in here. What's going on out there?"
Kalinda: "Hey lady. There's a cable van down the block that looks like the FBI's usual pathetic attempt at seeming undercover. I'm going to check it out, but be ready to move."
OUT THERE
Kalinda: "How goes the cable TV game, sir?"
FBI: "You know. Hooking up people so they can watch AMC programming. Just another day in the life of a..."
Kalinda: "I have a wire at my house that is sparking so bad! It will kill everybody! That's why I called you!"
FBI : "Lady, you didn't call us. We're not even a real..."
Lana, from in the van: "--Kalinda! Stop busting that dude's balls!"
Awesome. That was awesome. Both Kalinda and Lana, on separate sides of the van door, nearly giggle about how awesome that was.
Kalinda: "Oh my God, are you still obsessed with Lemond Bishop? Like bugging the IRS and blackmailing me into dating you, or nearly getting me shot, or..."
Lana: "Meanwhile you work for drug dealers and pimps, so..."
FBI: "Ladies, ladies."
Kalinda, speed-dial: "Hi, Mom! Just calling to tell you it's not the cops, it's the Feds. And it's not about an arrest, it's about a search warrant. Thanks for checking in, your interest in my job makes me feel loved."
Lana: "Oh, God dammit. Okay, I guess we're go for this mission now."
Kalinda: "Hey Mom? Tell Grandpa to destroy any evidence they might find, okay? Love you."
IN HERE
Lemond: "Okay, what she's talking about is this one video game I keep in my son's room. Dex, go get it. Alicia, could you take my kid out back while they bust the door down?"
OUT BACK
Dylan: "So at school everybody says my dad's pretty much the worst."
Alicia: "Hey, didn't your dad say you go to basketball camp in the summer? Are you by any chance a Bulls fan? Because I saw them win their second championship. My husband took me, on our second date. I knew it was exciting, but I couldn't really tell what was going on. I don't know anything about basketball!"
Dylan: "Oh, white lady. Your voice is quite soothing. It helps that I am a little kid that can't tell when he's getting jerked around."
IN THERE
Diane: "Maybe I can help you guys. Just tell me what this is about..."
Lana: "The underlying complaint is sealed, thank you very much."
FBI: "And that video game is long gone..."
Lana: "Smooth move, Kalinda."
Kalinda: "Listen, if the last six episodes you were in didn't stop you from being in love with me, I doubt this one time where I ruined your entire operation is going to do it."
Cary: "Funny thing is, there weren't any DEA agents in that assault. It was all FBI. So this isn't about steroids."
Diane: "But we still don't know what it is, because the Feds warrant is sealed until he's arrested, at which point..."
Cary: "What we need is somebody else to get arrested in connection with this search. Legal judo!"
Everybody looks at everybody else, slowly turning toward Lesli, who is like Fuck this! I have ballet class tonight! Finally they settle on Cary, silently, because this is his idea and because it's funniest if it's him. I mean, whoever it is will be immediately released so it's not like he's in any danger, but if Diane for example were to do it, that would just be weird and sad. So here we go.
COURTHOUSE
Kalinda: "Hey Lana, why looking so bitchy? You usually find my shenanigans hilarious."
Lana: "Well, I still do. But meanwhile, somebody tossed my apartment, and now it's been sealed off, and I have to sleep at my sister's, and that makes me mad at Lemond Bishop, which makes me kind of mad at you for working for him..."
Kalinda: "Ah, so you think it was him. And why wouldn't you? And so now the truth is revealed. I actually do have to Harry & The Hendersons basically everybody if I'm ever going to shake Nick. Well, I'm glad you're okay and it was fun being gay with you."
JUDGE MILES SILVERBERG
(Grant Shaud was also in The Crow: Salvation, which I have never seen but which, like all the Crow sequels, has a Wikipedia writeup of such intense and naïve beauty that it makes me feel like Cary Agos looking at Hayden Clarke. Just starry-eyed. You have no idea how many times I have read those Wikipedia pages and just hugged the universe closer to myself in gratitude for their having existed. Were those Wikipedia pages a man, I would marry that man so fast.)
Judge: "My quirk is that I have investments and I don't mind making calls to my broker on a Saturday instead of hearing about how you used Cary Agos's scorching hot ass to get a federal warrant unsealed."
Lana: "I don't think a Franks motion or whatever works here, since he has no connection to the warrant..."
L/G: "Mr. Agos's Fourth Amendment rights against illegal search and seizure are being egregiously violated!"
Lana: "We're here, this warrant exists, because Bishop is a public threat. I'm talking suspension of personal rights for reasons of, like, terrorism. Welcome to Obama's America."
Judge: "What we have here is a legal tie, and ties always go to the runner."
(Football? I'm gonna guess football. Wait, what other sports have people running around? Most of them, I'd wager. Stickin' with football.)
BISHOP
The Deal: One of the CIs involved in the FBI investigation, #691, went missing 72 hours ago, and the FBI was nominally looking for her whereabouts. But whatever she has Informed them of, Confidentially, isn't enough to actually charge Bishop.
Bishop: "Can I use your phone to call Dex?"
Alicia: "My phone?"
Lesli: "Obviously his landline is bugged. Amateur."
STRAW POLL
Jimmy V has photoshopped Indira Starr's face onto a bikini body. This is an actual line of dialogue from the show:
Eli: "Look, he's found a way to make it go viral... If there's one thing the mainstream media likes, it's a visual. Look. Damn it!"
Bless.
SHARMAPARTMENT
Kalinda: "How did I know you'd be chilling on my bed when I rushed over here?"
Nick: "Because that is our whole storyline? One or the other of us runs into this apartment to find the other one sitting there, being sassy?"
Kalinda: "You are fucking insane if you think breaking into an FBI agent's apartment is a smart thing to do. I'm calling the cops and reporting a break-in."
Nick: "Whatever. But first, I think you should look at this huge hole in your wall that I found. Remember? You busted in your wall in last year's season finale, with the giant mallet you used on Bill in this year's season premiere? Stash and gun and everything?"
Kalinda: "Oh right, that's where that came from. Also, how funny that you almost found it like weeks ago when you hurted your hand on that vanity mirror in front of it. Which I randomly found time to replace at some point."
Nick: "Anyway, where is the rest of my money? There's only ten grand here."
Things get complicated at this point; they kind of have their first successful interaction of the season now, like, all the complexities and weirdness and darkness we're supposed to have picked up on, actually starts to make sense this one time.
Kalinda: "I cannot have you here, disrupting my very real life I've built."
Nick: "Disrupting your life? I am obsessed with you. Do you understand that I have completely lost my mind and soul to the Kalinda Effect? I have tried to love other women. I can't do it. I am fucked up and broken, thanks to you. And every time I get rapey on you this season, and you give in, there's a way in which you are knowingly dicking me back. Just like you do everybody else on this show, just giving them enough to keep them under your control. Except with me, it's going to backfire horribly."
Kalinda: "Okay, I can see that. And actually now that you mention it, I feel terrible for you. You are a sad little fucker. But what you need to understand is that Lela, this 1.0 girl you're so obsessively in love with, she is dead. I spent four years trying to kill her, finally succeeded when I decided to fight you last finale, and this time we've just been having a threesome with her ghost. And that is fucking pathetic. But basically you're asking me to come up with a third personality that doesn't do this to people anymore -- and we both know you'll still be in love with 1.0 no matter how many times I do that."
Nick: "I have no response to that. So but in other news, you know how I broke into your girlfriend's apartment?"
Kalinda: "Yeah, and can I just say..."
Nick: "No, listen to me. I found these pictures of you. She has them everywhere, like the yarn-webbed wall of a conspiracy theorist or freelance profiler. She's coming after you for something. I won't say I'm not happy to say it, but I'm telling the truth."
The one we see, through blinds like a noir, is of herself, meeting with Eli. That's way too close. Too close for anything. I mean, the top level of paranoia would say this is actually about Lela, which brings in Peter and Eli and Alicia and everything, brings her whole life down in a criminal way. But in even the best-case scenario, this is less about Lana's obsessive weirdness, like with the IRS thing, and on into the bad places. No longer tenable. Kalinda, still near weeping with sympathy for poor awful broken Nick, pulls away when he tries this time. Pulls away and heads back home.
BISHOP
L/G: "Dex. Are there any people you might think would be a snitch, who also hasn't turned up for work in a while? Anybody like that who maybe just fucking slipped your mind while all this was going on?"
Dex: "Oh right! Yeah, that's Christina Diaz you're talking about. Receptionist at one of the health clubs. Now that you mention it, I bet she's pretty dead."
STRAW POLL
Eli: "Jimmy V, I'm sorry that I don't yet have a quote for you, but the truth is that there's nothing to talk about! It's a non-story, how do I comment on that? There is no story here. That's all I got for you."
Peter: "[Stump-speechifyin'.]"
Maddie Hayward: "Hi, Eli! Any trouble with the campaign I'm financing for reasons of my own?"
Eli: "No, but listen to this great part of the speech where he talks about women and healthcare and stuff."
Maddie Hayward: "Bitch, I saw that photoshopped girl. Hang up and damage control me right this minute."
Eli: "Okay, what can I do for you?"
Maddie Hayward: "My friends are asking me what I think, which puts me in a very awkward position..."
Eli: "It's awkward for you to respond to lies about things that are not real?"
Maddie Hayward: "My 'friends,' Eli, are very busy businesswomen. They can handle a male candidate only so long as there aren't issues of male privilege in play. The sex stuff just rubs it in our faces..."
Eli: "You had your shot with Wendy Scott-Carr. Pick better bitches time."
BISHOP
Dex: "I didn't tell Christina anything beyond the HGH stuff she was running. She was discreet, and..."
Alicia: "Oh my God, you were sleeping with her."
Everybody: "Good call, Florrick."
Dex: "Fine. I had a crush. I didn't tell you because it makes me look dorky. But yeah. She has a boyfriend, and he rides a motorcycle, and sometimes she leaves town to get away from him. Like if you had a pet tiger, sometimes you..."
Everybody: "We get it. So sometimes she'd disappear out of town..."
Dex: "No, in town. A pied-à-terre in Logan Square."
L/G
Cary: "Oh hey, Hayden. How long have you been standing there gazing adoringly at me? And how long are you willing to keep doing it?"
Hayden: "Do you need any more help on the Bishop case?"
Cary: "No, once I went to jail we figured out it's about a missing CI, so there's not really a forensic accounting part to it at this point. CPA Batman and CPA Robin should probably just turn in their utility belts for now."
Hayden: "Maybe I should just perch here on the arm of your chair forever, just in case."
(You can actually see the part where Cary decides to push this past the point of no return.)
Cary: "I would love that -- gotta say you really turned me on when you were all, Where's the income surplus? -- but..."
Hayden: "Yeah. That part was pretty bad-ass."
Cary: "You know what, though? I bet they could use your sexy skills over in Family Law. That stuff's always a financial nightmare."
Hayden: "That is not why I'm here, Mr. Agos. With my heart in my hands."
Cary: "You're here to help us get out of debt, right? And that would be helping. And it would make me so very, very happy..."
(Whoosh!)
Cary: "Whew. Being Kalinda is both as addictive and as complicated as I always figured it was."
STRAW POLL
Maddie Hayward: "Hey Eli, guess who I brought to the straw poll?"
Eli: "Fucking Indira Starr?"
Indira Starr: "Hi, mister! I like to feed clovers to ponies! And also do weird sex stuff!"
Eli: "Uh, not only is she political napalm, but she is an actual crazy person."
Maddie Hayward: "Then there's nothing to be worried about, huh?"
KALINDA
Alicia: "Be careful at Christina's secret apartment, okay?"
Kalinda: "I cannot believe you just said that to me. I feel like Christmas."
Nobody's there, but she does hear a motorcycle speeding away, which causes her to run outside, where there is nobody, but then a further intuition leads her to a car in the parking lot that looks like a person was about to head off to work, about 72 hours ago, when they were rudely abducted. And how come the trunk smells like there's a receptionist in there who has been dead about that long?
BISHOP
Kalinda: "So I guess the biker boyfriend killed her, probably. How ironic! It's almost funny, except for how my biker boyfriend is also going to kill everybody."
Diane: "Okay, guys. So do we call the cops and tell them about the dead body, or do we just let her rot until the end of the episode? Because she could have told the Feds something important, which makes us look bad for her murder..."
Lemond, silently: "Oh, shit. I am like the grossest person."
Alicia, silently: "Yeah, kind of. Sorry about all this."
Diane: "I'm less worried about the fact that we're desecrating the corpse of a murdered woman while we sit around here debating it, and more about how bad we'll look if they find out we all sat around here debating it."
Lemond, silently: "Alicia, I can't do this. We have to..."
Alicia, silently: "Agreed. Let's get to it."
Lemond: "My sister hates me. But she loves Dylan."
Alicia: "I'll draw up the guardianship papers..."
Everybody Else: "Wait, what's going on?"
Lemond: "Alicia and I have discussed it psychically while you guys were being disgusting, and we've decided that you should call the cops about this poor woman's body even though I'll probably get arrested immediately."
Alicia: "Nobody else gets how awesome you're being right now, but I sure do."
Lemond: "That is why you are the best character on television."
COURTHOUSE
Lana: "Too bad about your boy, huh?"
Kalinda: "Whoa. My 'boy'?"
Lana: "Oh, shit. No, I didn't mean it that way. Ugh, how horrible. Listen, we got a tip and found Christina's body. We found evidence linking him to the murder, and have an arrest warrant, though we'd prefer he turned himself in... Why aren't you talking? Why are you being so frigid and scary right now? You know this is just work, like always. We're cute, we play games, but there's still..."
Kalinda: "No us. There was never an us. I am Harry & The Hendersonsing you. Both because Nick is going to kill me, and because you are surveilling me. I can't be having that. Frankly, it's more the latter. The former was kind of hot."
STRAW POLL
Eli: "96 percent! You broke a record! Everybody's dropping out... We're this close to being governor. Good job, buddy!"
Peter: "Good job you! And Maddie Hayward!"
Eli makes such a sad, sad face once Peter's back onstage. Good job, you. Good joy, Maddie Hayward.
BISHOP
Diane: "Sorry to interrupt your guardianship stuff, but FYI the FBI is nearly here."
Lemond: "My sister's still an hour away..."
Alicia: "I will stay here with Dylan until she comes, okay? Any special instructions?"
Lemond: "Um, he's a heavy sleeper. Three wakeup calls at least. And he never checks his spelling or punctuation, so homework is a bear, you gotta stay on him..."
(I admit, that part got to me a little bit. I mean, the way it plays out -- music montage, slow-mo arrest of a parent while the L/G lawyer watches sympathetically/smugly and but for the grace of God etc. -- is lifted practically shot-for-shot from at least one hundred and fifty-seven other episodes of this show, but that got to me. I never love Alicia quite so much as when she's bleeding for monsters.)
Maddie: "Alicia, I have a dilemma. You know how I flirted with the idea of helping L/G out financially, but then pulled the rug out and made you promise to still be my friend? Well, same thing this time, but with Peter's campaign."
Alicia: "Uh, that Indira Starr girl is crazy and a liar. And you gotta be fuckin' crazy if you think I'm gonna..."
Maddie: "Okay, BFF! I love you! XOXO!"
Alicia: "Jesus Christ I miss Kalinda."
She gets off in time for the slow-mo arrest; takes Dylan upstairs so he can name his toys for her, one by one. Downstairs they kick in the door and put his father in cuffs. But upstairs, he knows he's safe. He is in good company. The wolves are gone. The tiger's away. She'd like to stay there forever.
WEEK
Maddie Hayward finally rips off her mask, revealing the Democratic gubernatorial candidate underneath unless I'm really off on this one. Amanda Peet (!) plays a servicewoman whose sexual assault calls into question our military's unbelievably corrupt and fucked-up relationship with private security and public-sector vendors of all kinds. The Ballad of Hayden & Cary continues, hopefully, as Nick Savarese walks into an open elevator shaft and falls 27 floors to his death, calling out various of Kalinda's names the whole way down. Splat!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.