Can Everybody See That I'm On Fire?

S04E03

If John Benjamin Hickey weren't already the love of my life, I think Neil Gross would seal the deal. Remember him? The hoodie-wearing hippie that fancies himself Zuckerberg and Assange all at once? Man, I love that guy. And his lawyer too, of course. Will's clients: A couple of cute programmer ladies who found their voice recognition software bumped from first-page search results to page 28 on ChumHum, the week after they turned down the option of buying sponsored ads.

Viola Walsh plays a good hand, even after Judge Dominic Chianese reveals his quirk to be "hip and with it on the technological front," and the twists are like this: First they ask for the secret formula to Neil's search ratings, which Viola won't give them because they are a "secret sauce," and so Viola goes to Nathan Lane the Trustee and tries to get him to see what an egomaniac Will Gardner is and how he can never win the case. No dice, because Nathan Lane does not truck with fools.

So then they get the Chancellor of the girls' university to come in and throw down about how the school is entitled to all works, inventions, etc. Except the guy himself has a textbook out, from which the school gets zero out of 100% of income, and then further it turns out that Neil himself is an alum, so technically the school should even own ChumHum based on stuff he said in his autobiography, and all of this nonsense just pisses the judge off, so then Viola yells a lot and Neil makes weird overtures about how secretly he knows Will wants him for a client.

Eventually he buys the girls out after it's revealed that he acquired their main competitor, and puts them to work running it in order to escape the suit. It's all very twisty and fun, and it's so nice to see Will doing so great in a case -- and also looking lovely, he and Cary both looked lovely this week -- and also, of course, to see Neil. I don't think I've ever paid this much attention during the Case of the Week, actually. Time to talk about other things.

So Miriam Shor's character, reporter "Mandy Post," makes Eli think she knows about Alicia's brief time with Will, which causes one of the more touching scenes in recent memory as he tries to talk about this with her without talking about it. Stress! But then pretty soon it's revealed she's actually digging into a possible indiscretion on Peter's side. Kalinda, of course, won't help until Eli specifically explains this is for Alicia's sake, and then instantly figures out that the girl is a lunatic. Like, part of her story is that the Florricks have an open marriage, which cracks Alicia the hell up. So that's fine. So fine, in fact, that after an episode of being pissed at him, she willingly visits him on the campaign bus, in what looks like a sex-type way.

And in Kalinda What Are You Doing news, Kalinda? What is it that you are doing? Because here's what happened this week: After a fight in the kitchen involving eggs, a cast-iron skillet to the head, and multiple knives, Kalinda needs a little chill out, so she goes and visits her stalker girlfriend that is in the FBI, and Nick follows her there, and continues to follow her (Lana? Sophia? I never get it right) to her date with Kalinda, where he calls his wife a dyke and she punches him out. But day, when he offers to kill FBI Girl in order to make Kalinda heterosexual again -- which -- she hilariously and proudly notifies him of her FBI status. So deal with that, you whiny little psychopath.

What else. Oh, Diane screams at Nathan Lane for talking to Rita Wilson, and he screams right back at her that she needs to stop being paranoid and watch him save her company, which was neat. Seems like week one or the other of them reneges on this conversation, though: More screaming. I like how ambiguous and cool he is. I like how ambiguous and cool this show is. I like how awesome this show is. Especially this episode, which was one of the best in a while.

Week: Alicia takes the "open marriage" joke straight to Mandy's newspaper bosses and gets more comfortable with both Peter and Eli -- scary, never good -- while Diane continues to rebel against Nathan Lane's firm yet irritating hand.

PREVIOUSLY

Peter and Alicia maybe did it? They're doing better than they ever have in the history of this show, anyway. Kalinda is embarrassing herself with a tiny man. The firm is in dire straits financially, but Will's finally back on the other side of that little gate so everything should be fine.

SYNTH MAGAZINE

The song we'll be hearing throughout the episode goes, "Can everybody see that I'm on fire? Did they watch you burn this mother down? Please don't rescue me, I'm free to burn as I please -- Just leave me be, don't put me out." Isn't that a nice thing for a song to be about? That makes me very happy. Plus the idea of Alicia saying -- or even hearing somebody say -- "Burn this mother down" makes me very, very happy too.

Miriam Shor's character, journalist Mandy Post -- sure, no problem -- is redlining a story in the middle of their conference with Eli, regarding a story they're doing on Peter. It's a recurring image, but I couldn't tell you why. Maybe just visual bookending. At the end of the episode, Peter's redlining a speech. I don't have a lot of energy to think about all that this week, though. Miriam Shor is like so beguiling to me. I got obsessed with her on Swingtown, which by the way was excellent and she was the best part of it because she is so amazing all the time. Also she was Hedwig's boyfriend that time, which will blow your mind if you think about it during this episode where she is rockin' the side pony and not looking at all like Hedwig's boyfriend or really any boyfriend of any kind.

Mandy: "We're still having trouble contacting the mom for an interview..."
Eli: "Jackie? She's probably circling the building as we speak."

But no, she's talking about Alicia's Mom. Think about that. Alicia and Owen have a Mom. A Mom that made them, like, how they are. You know what I mean? Even Eli is like, "I am not entirely sure we need to go there." But they'll track her down.

Mandy: "Also I want to talk to Will Gardner."
Eli: "Did you say Diane Lockhart? Because yes."
Mandy: "I did not say Diane Lockhart, I said Will Gardner."
Eli: "Did you say Joe DiMaggio? Because he is dead. I'm sorry you had to find out this way."
Mandy: "They went to Georgetown together. They're lawyer colleagues and school chums."
Eli: "I'll see what I can do. And by that I mean, no."
Mandy: "How about an interview with Alicia?"

By Jacob Clifton

They wrap up the meeting, and he makes it almost all the way out the door -- Can everybody see that I'm on fire? -- and then runs back up to confront Mandy alone. People on this show are always realizing things after the scene has ended, but this episode is replete with people constantly doing it.

Eli: "Hey Mandy, are you fucking me?"
Mandy: "Kind of I am. Listen, I want face time with Alicia Florrick."
Eli: "But first tell me how you are fucking me. Like exactly how."
Mandy: "How about there was an affair, and I have proof."
Eli: "That is some solid fucking me right there, Mandy Post. I have to go downstairs and try to call Alicia while that song plays. It will go to voicemail, and I will shake a ficus. Just viciously shake it."

And so it goes.

MARGARITA MOTIONS

Because Alicia is in court! With ChumHum, meaning my boyfriend Neil Gross! Excellent. The case is about how these two young ladies started a voice recognition software company, because they wanted to be more like Neil Gross, because he is wonderful. Except then, after they refused to buy ad space on ChumHum for their company with its stupid name, suddenly they got buried in the ChumHum results. From the #1 spot to the 28th page! I Google myself, you know, incessantly. That would send me screaming out a second story window like Helen Hunt if that happened to me.

Like you know how if you try to Google something and it goes, "Did you mean this other thing?" And usually you're like, "Don't condescend to me, you jerk" but sometimes you're like, "Actually I did. Thanks for anticipating my needs, internet." Well, in this case when you search for their stupid company, the algorithm goes instead, "Did you mean that those two girls are dummies and wear stinky clothes?" Which I doubt very highly is what you meant.

Rita Wilson: "But you know what, you do wear stinky clothes. Also, there is a way better voice recognition software company now, with an even stupider name which is Wicked Savage Designs. Also, a dork said your program was plagiarized, and also wears stinky clothes. So probably this is just a case of you sucking, and nothing to do with us."
Girls: "Why are you so mean? We are nice girls!"
Judge Marx: "You'll have to speak up! My quirk is that I am super old Dominic Chianese. But there is a gotcha in my quirk that you will find out later."
Girls: "I said WICKED SAVAGE DESIGNS TOOK OUT CHUMHUM ADS FOR THEIR COMPANY WITH A STUPID NAME, LIKE WE DIDN'T. AND NOW THEY ARE #1 OF ALL THE INTERNET."
Judge Marx: "Oh, okay. This seems like Neil Gross is being a dick again, then."

Judge Marx: "You'll have to speak up! My quirk is that I am super old Dominic Chianese. But there is a gotcha in my quirk that you will find out later."
Girls: "I said WICKED SAVAGE DESIGNS TOOK OUT CHUMHUM ADS FOR THEIR COMPANY WITH A STUPID NAME, LIKE WE DIDN'T. AND NOW THEY ARE #1 OF ALL THE INTERNET."
Judge Marx: "Oh, okay. This seems like Neil Gross is being a dick again, then."

L/G

Rita Wilson: "We totally are being dicks again, you guys."
Will: "I know that, Rita Wilson. Have you met Cary Agos? He looks like that all day long."
Alicia: "It is time for us to have a conference in our conference room."
Will: "But the conference room is full of bees!"

A short time later.

Diane: "Why did you rent our conference room to bees!?"
Trustee: "Bee money is just as good as regular money."
Diane: "But we are a law firm! This is ChumHum we are talking about!"
Trustee: "In three days, the bees will move on. But other than that, work your shit out."

CONF RM B, A TINY BEE-FREE CLOSET TO THE BATHROOM

Rita Wilson: "Those bees sure are loud! You guys's law firm is in the shitter."
Alicia: "We know that, Rita Wilson. Offer these girls a lot of money."
Neil Gross: "How about five dollars. Girls, you want five dollars?"
Cary: "Don't talk to those girls, those are our girls. And that is a pittance. A pittance!"
Girls: "We are already kind of bored with this. Maybe five dollars is okay."
Will: "Don't bitch out on me, girls. Give me the rest of this episode and you will have much more than five dollars at the end of it. Sack up."
Girls: Sort of do.

TRUSTEE

Rita Wilson: "I'm Rita Wilson and you're Nathan Lane."
Trustee: "I know that, lady."
Rita Wilson: "I think that you should use your influence in an illegal way, to make them stop wasting my time on this law suit."
Trustee: "Rita Wilson, the fact that you are even talking to me right now tells me that you are not wasting your time. Also, be more classy. I don't want to see you in here again."
Rita Wilson: "No promises. I am a tough smart lawyer and I play head games. Like did you know that Will has ego to spare and also is a gambler? Two very good reasons for you to boss him around."

By Jacob Clifton

MARGARITA MOTIONS

There is a video of how search engines work. It is educational, like, did you know that there are gophers on the internet? Very fast gophers. Much faster than IRL gophers.

Judge Marx: "This is some patronizing shit, Rita Wilson. Just because I am old and senile doesn't mean I need you to explain how gophers or the internet works."
Rita Wilson: "I am just naturally like this."

Neil Gross: "I am so super pretentious and self-righteous. The two sexiest qualities in a person."
Will: "Wait, so you never tweak the algorithm? It's just the gopher's deal now?"
Neil Gross: "No, I tweak it all the time. The gopher is only a metaphor."
Will: "So probably you dicked these girls around on June 13 of 2011?"
Neil Gross: "Nobody can say."
Will: "How about you just said that you tweak it all the time. Did June 13 of 2011 take place in the spacetime continuum?"
Neil Gross: "Probably. I'm not a doctor of calendarology or anything, but yeah probably."
Will: "Your Honor, we subpoena Chumhum for records on their algorithm!"
Rita Wilson: "Objection! It is a trade secret! A secret sauce! A gopher mystery!"

Everybody says the word algorithm literally one thousand times each.

Will: "We would never reveal Neil Gross's sauce. We are not those kind of bros."
Judge Marx: "[Computer talk, because the gotcha in his quirk is that he is a doctor of search enginology.]"
Rita Wilson: "Can we please have 24 hours to find that gopher and bring it to you?"
Judge Marx: "You have to speak up! I am olden-timey!"
Rita Wilson: "I NEED 24 HOURS FOR A GOPHER HUNT. AND I WANT A MARGARITA AND A SHOWER AND TO GET OUT OF THESE SHOES OKAY."

ALICIA'S OFC

Eli: "Alicia, welcome to your office. Remember when I used to sleep on your couch?"
Alicia: "That was when I actually and authentically hated you, instead of just being awful to you as a joke but secretly liking you."
Eli: "Hey, can we talk about the worst thing ever for a second? I really don't want to, but we're going to."
Alicia: "Oh, Jesus. Is this about me fucking Will half of last season?"
Eli: "I'm really sorry. I feel like a bad friend talking to you about this."
Alicia: "You are one. If you were searching for yourself on ChumHum it would be like, 'Did you mean totally embarrassing weasel in my office making me feel terrible and also slutty?' And I would have to say yes."
Eli: "Mandy Post wants to talk to you. She says she has a hotel receipt for an 'encounter'..."
Alicia: "Wow, that word bums me out."
Eli: "Yeah, I don't know why I said it like that. How grody. Anyway, did you 'encounter' Will Gardner in the nude on this particular date?"
Alicia: "We were encountering, like, all the time. It's kind of a blur."

Eli: "I'm really sorry. I feel like a bad friend talking to you about this."
Alicia: "You are one. If you were searching for yourself on ChumHum it would be like, 'Did you mean totally embarrassing weasel in my office making me feel terrible and also slutty?' And I would have to say yes."
Eli: "Mandy Post wants to talk to you. She says she has a hotel receipt for an 'encounter'..."
Alicia: "Wow, that word bums me out."
Eli: "Yeah, I don't know why I said it like that. How grody. Anyway, did you 'encounter' Will Gardner in the nude on this particular date?"
Alicia: "We were encountering, like, all the time. It's kind of a blur."

Eli: "Alicia, if you are still encountering you need to stop encountering him. Okay? Just until Mandy Post falls down an elevator shaft or goes the way of Kristen Chenoweth."
Alicia: "We are no longer encountering. It was too much pressure because so much things were going on, so I dumped him. And then he got temporarily disbarred, and wrote a book like a crazy person would write. You were obviously not paying attention."
Eli: "Can you tell me exactly when you encountered him for the last time and also what you were wearing and what he smells like on his neck?"
Alicia: "Goodbye, Eli."

She makes it to the elevator before she loses it. The doors close on her, like bars.

KALINDA'S LIFE

Here's a thing that Kalinda will do sometimes: Drink from the tap like a cat. She's like a cat who is a person.

Eli: "Kalinda, where are you? Ever!? Do you not go to work anymore?"
Kalinda: "I am like a cat who is a person, Eli. You cannot tie me down. If I had a cat I would just call it Cat. You can't cage a wild thing, Eli."
Eli: "Shut up and come to work. I need you for a thing..."
Kalinda: "A Peter thing? Sharma OUT."

Nick: "Who did you just hang up on, and who is Peter?"
Kalinda: "You don't get to know that, little mean man."

They crush eggs in their hands and wipe them on each other and try to see who is the bigger bad-ass, which makes them both look pathetic and the opposite of bad-ass. It's sad and I don't care for it... Until she tries to brain him with a cast-iron skillet and they both produce giant knives out of nowhere and start circling each other like a Shark and a Jet. Stay cool, boy!

Nick: "Oh, and also Bill wants to come by. Remember, that guy you beat into a lumpy jelly that time with a giant Tiny Toon Adventures mallet?"

By Jacob Clifton

Nick: "Oh, and also Bill wants to come by. Remember, that guy you beat into a lumpy jelly that time with a giant Tiny Toon Adventures mallet?"
Kalinda: "I don't care to see him. Come over here so I can stab you in the abdomen."
Nick: "I have to give you a speech about heteronormativity and gender roles first."
Kalinda: "That is rich coming from you. You're like gayer than I am."
Nick: "I am bored of this stabbing game."
Kalinda: "Then clean up your egg mess. Here is a tea towel for that purpose."
Nick: "No!"
Kalinda: "I guess you sure showed me. I'm off to go make love to a bunch of ladies now, since I don't feel like going to work or acting like a person at all."

MARGARITA MOTIONS

Is still what their company is called. On the stand is Thomas Giles, a total dicknose who is a "search engine optimizer," which is what they used to call "scum" before the internet.

Rita Wilson: "A search engine optimizer is somebody who..."
Judge Marx: "I know what it is, Rita Wilson. God."

There is a fight about legalities at this point that I still don't understand, so I'm just going to tell you that it happened instead of arrogantly mangling the process of jurisprudence like I usually do. The point is that the Girls hired this pee-hole of a man to game their ChumHum results, which establishes them as no-gooders who deserve only pain and whose cheating was merely fixed by the gopher-tweaking ways of Neil Gross.

Lady: "I'm the ad sales rep -- speaking of jobs that automatically mark you as an unpleasant person -- who asked the Girls to place ads with us. They said no, I was like Whatever, and then I went on vacation."
Rita Wilson: "Wait, you managed to keep that under your hat? The thrilling news that Margarita Motions was not interested in placing ads with your company? Why, that barely sounds realistic. You test my sense!"
Lady: "No, it's not a big deal. I had like fifty leads that day. I don't know that you get my job."
Judge Marx: "But I do! I am hep to all kinds of things. Did I just blow your mind?"

BAD TIMING

Alicia: "Will, you know how we used to have encounters?"
Will: "I am in love with you, you idiot."
Alicia: "Mandy Post has a receipt for an encounter."
Will: "How is that possible? Also, what is a receipt because I clearly don't get the concept."
Alicia: "It provides a record of a transaction."
Will: "Oh, then I guess it's very possible."
Alicia: "Yeah. My life is such a hassle sometimes."
Will: "At least you're not in love with somebody who thinks of you as a distraction."
Alicia: "What? I wasn't listening. Too busy feeling sorry for myself."

By Jacob Clifton

CONF RM B

Neil Gross: "Will, you are adorable. What if we offered those Girls six dollars?"
Will: "I will put you in that room over there with the bees."
Rita Wilson: "Will, you have ego issues and a gambling problem. Isn't that really what this is about?"
Will: "No, it is about justice and also the law."
Rita Wilson: "I don't believe I know those words. Did you learn them in a twelve-step program?"
Alicia: "No, Will is great and you're just being mean. But here's the thing, you jerks. Kalinda just figured out that Neil secretly bought Wicked Savage Designs, the top competitor for Margarita Motions in terms of both vocal recognition and also being called stupid things."

Diane, Will and Alicia and then Cary joins in, as they beat up on Rita Wilson and Neil Gross. It's actually hilarious, like, the second they bring up that buyout Rita and Neil both are like, "Welp. We out."

TRUSTEE

Diane blows into his office like Kalinda with a baseball bat, slams his door, and just eats his face. His entire face.

Diane: "I SMOKED BATH SALTS AND NOW I WILL EAT YOUR FACE. YOUR ENTIRE ONE."
Trustee: "First of all, my face is adorable. It's like my main thing I have going on, my sweet little badger face. And second of all, you need to chill right out."
Diane: "WHY DID I SEE YOU TALKING TO RITA WILSON?"
Trustee: "Because she is the worst, and came at me."
Diane: "YOU NEED TO NOT BE TALKING TO HER."
Trustee: "Duh, I know that."
Diane: "I MEAN IT FOR REAL."
Trustee: "Lady, I am on your side. I am fucking with Rita Wilson's head because I don't like her methods. Let me play mind games on her, which is like one more thing I'm doing to help you, and it will be very funny also."
Diane: "IT IS VERY HARD TO TRUST PEOPLE SOMETIMES."
Trustee: "I know that. I can't imagine how much energy it takes to be Diane Lockhart. And I know that having a man in charge, being financially constrained by some white guy, is making you feel insane. But I am 100% on your side. Your success is my success."
Diane: "OKAY. I AM SORRY I ATE YOUR BADGER FACE."

HOME

Grace: "It's 2012 and our home has a land line. That's so weird, I better call somebody on it."
Alicia: "No. I am staring at it. Trying to move it, with my mind power."
Grace: "But I have to call my Homework! Say hello to it on a phone!"
Alicia: "You can, but only after Eli calls me to say whether or not the world will know me for the whore I really am."
Grace: "But phone! Homework! Telephone!"
Alicia: "I wish that we had left you at a fire station. Maybe there's still time."

Eli: "Alicia. It's okay, actually. The encounter was not between you and Will."
Alicia: "Thank goodness! Bye Eli. Grace, you can use the phone..."

She thinks of a thing.

Alicia: "...Just kidding!"
Grace: "Ahhh!"
Alicia: "Will, I was just calling to say that you and I are still a poorly kept secret that everybody knows, but that's it."
Will: "I was just sitting here in the dark looking like a serial killer and staring into space. I am glad to receive your good news."
Alicia: "Okay, bye. Grace, you can use the phone..."

She thinks of another thing.

Alicia: "...Just kidding!"
Grace: "This kind is shit is why I'm like this!"
Alicia: "Actually, I'm just going to go to the office in the middle of the night, because I happen to know that Eli is there with Mandy Post, skulking around a law firm like cat burglars for no particular reason."

L/G AFTER HRS

Alicia: "Eli, is that you under that robber mask? You look like the Hamburglar. What is this, a freakout?"
Eli: "Alicia, Mandy and I are having shadowy dealings. Don't worry about it."
Alicia: "But if it was not me that encountering, that only leaves Peter."
Eli: "Yeah, you got me. But I don't really think it's true this time."
Alicia: "If I had a nickel for whenever I thought, Oh, Peter probably didn't fuck this one lady, this one particular time, and ended up being wrong and he did in fact fuck that lady, I would have a five-pound bag of nickels to hit him with. Or what Kalinda and Nick call 'third base.'"

FBI LADY'S APT

I guess her name is Lana? She is in the FBI and sometimes she takes the form of a secret computer that is watching you at the IRS. She is going to town on Kalinda, but Kalinda is a little distracted and doesn't seem to be that into it.

Lana: "Sometimes I feel like I'm just warming you up for somebody else."
Kalinda: "My sexuality is a moving target, FBI Lady. Who knows. Not me, certainly. Probably not you. I'm a wild animal, FBI Lady. A loner. A rogue. I am the Cat who Walks by Herself and you cannot cage me."
Lana: "It's kind of boring, sometimes."
Kalinda: "Isn't it enough that I like you? I don't like many people. No wait, I don't really even like you that much. I have to go. Don't get murdered by my husband who is creepin' and just watched us be lesbians from his car and probably is going to murder you."
Lana: "Okay. I'm just going to wander out onto the balcony wrapped in a bedsheet, like people sometimes do in real life."
Nick: "That confirms it. My wife has a girlfriend. Everybody is going to get murdered."

MARGARITA MOTIONS

So before L/G can even deliver the death blow about how Neil Gross bought their competitor, Rita Wilson pulls her most bullshittiest move yet: She brings in the Chancellor of Chicago Polytechnic, which is where Neil went to college and also the Girls. And in the student handbook -- which Rita Wilson brandishes in a decidedly delightful way -- it says the college owns the right to all works, inventions, developments, and discoveries created by employees or students. The Girls are aghast!

But also this was ripped from the headlines, the show would like you to know, and Google had to negotiate with Stanford about this thing. And a million and a half years ago during the Jurassic period, the University of Illinois sued one of the cofounders of Netscape for trademark infringement. If you don't know what "Netscape" or "trademarks" are, just know that they used to be a thing but not anymore.

Also, Rita Wilson asks that the subpoena be quashed, which is the most wonderful phrase you can ever say in a courtroom. I bet she didn't even need to quash the subpoena, she just wanted to say it. Quash Quash Quash. Subpoena Subpoena Subpoena. Ah, delightful.

GOLD & ASSOC.

Eli: "Kalin..."
Kalinda: "No! I have to do lots of work!"
Eli: "It's not for Peter, it's for Alicia. He's being accused of sleeping with a campaign worker, and he didn't."
Kalinda: "How is that for Alicia? And how the fuck you gonna ask me to get involved in Peter's encounters?"
Eli: "I don't know about that yet. I just barely found out about Alicia and Will's encounters. Now just come with me and look at Miriam Shor and listen to her talk. The coolest job a person could ever have."

By Jacob Clifton

GOLD & ASSOC.

Eli: "Mandy, tell Kalinda all of the questions you're going to ask Peter and Alicia, when I finally get you those one-on-one interviews I will never, ever give you."
Mandy: "But wait, who is Kalinda? And why am I instantly falling in love with her?"

Mandy opens her mouth and Eli and Kalinda reach in there and pull out the truth in three seconds flat: Peter Florrick slept with one of his campaign workers on September 30 of last year, at the St. Martin. There were secret knocks and skullduggery, which is where the story starts to seem a little wrong and faked, because Peter is not that kind of dude. Why would he have a secret knock? If anybody questioned why he was randomly booty-calling a campaign worker at their hotel -- which they wouldn't, because duh -- he would just give them that Sam the Eagle look and they would go away again.

Mandy: "I hope you enjoyed me telling you everything you wanted to know without even really being prompted. Suckas!"
Eli: "Yeah, you're a real power player. Later, Mandy."
Mandy: "Not before I tell you the girl's name and home mailing address and also her social security number!"

She takes off her bracelet and earrings, drops them in her purse, puts the purse in Kalinda's arms with a whisper -- "There is fifty dollars in the little zipper pocket!" -- and runs off into the night like a crazed bomber. "That sure showed them. I am the best journalist!"

HOME

Peter lets himself into Alicia's apartment, and she tells him to get the fuck on out of there. It is discussed at length about whether or not he is a liar -- which he is -- or a cheater -- which he totally is -- and if the truth or falsity of this particular situation, among the hundreds of times this situation has happened in the past, makes a damned difference.

By Jacob Clifton

Alicia: "It doesn't, Peter. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference! Because now I am all kinds of yucked out by you again!"

MARG MO

Will: "Chancellor Carlyle, do you know what this is?"
Carlyle: "Mr. Gardner, I am the Chancellor of a Polytechnic Institute. I have seen a book before."
Will: "Do you know who wrote it?"
Carlyle: "A Chancellor by the name of Carlyle."
Will: "And where did you write it?"
Carlyle: "On a computer owned by the school, in my office which is owned by the school, using the library of the school..."
Will: "And then making your students buy it to take your classes, which is smooth. Hey, how much have you made in royalties on this little racket?"
Carlyle: "I don't know. I am not a math guy. My particular technics are in other areas."
Will: "$71,450. And I presume you gave all of that money to your college?"
Carlyle: "Oh right, because I'm an employee and thus subject to the same rules as everybody else."
Rita Wilson: "This is offensive! Companies are people!"

Will: "Hey Chancellor, did you know that Neil Gross went to your college also? I read about it in his autobiography, where he talked about how he invented ChumHum in your computer lab. The very computer lab that you are a Chancellor of."
Judge Marx: "Chancellor Carlyle, you are a douchebag. Rita Wilson, you are getting on my last nerve. Bring me the algorithm and cut this shit out."

COURTHOUSE

You know how when you see a baby you want to smell the top of it? I have that with babies, but I thought it was specifically only babies, until John Benjamin Hickey. All I want to do is smell the top of his head. Every time I see him, that's all I can think about. If you could do that in a stealthy fashion, like, what you would have to do. What if he's taller than you? Then you gotta be double stealthy in your ways. And so on. And then the story takes over and I end up in jail for being a 100 percent supercreep and my cellie is like, What are you in for, and I have to be like, You know when you see a baby? And by the time that story is over, I have missed the entire scene and have to rewind it and just be very mindful of like, "Don't even look at it, man. Look away."

By Jacob Clifton

Neil Gross: "Will Gardner! Stop trying to make me want you for a lawyer!"
Will: "What? I was just walking to the bathroom."
Neil Gross: "But I can tell! I know you want me to have you for a lawyer!"
Will: "What is this? Are you like hitting on me? Is this 'negging'? I am so confused."
Neil Gross: "Too bad though because I will never want you for a lawyer!"
Will: "Okay but now I kind of want to be your lawy... Hey, wait a minute."

CAMPAIGN BUS

Kalinda: "I found the lady Peter slept with this latest time."
Eli: "I really don't think he did. I am being serious. I know I always lie about everything always, all the time, constant lying. But this time, I am not lying. Or am I."
Peter: "Eli, I'm going to give you such a pinch if you d... Oh, hey Kalinda. I... Sometimes we roughhouse. I mean, no we don't. Have we met? I mean of course we've met. I mean, why are you here?"
Kalinda: "I'm not!"

She vanishes in a puff of smoke! She's like a cat in the night and then she is the catness.

Peter: "How the fuck you gonna get Kalinda Sharma involved in my encounters?"

NEIL GROSS

Rita Wilson: "The algorithm is a secret sauce and a trade secret and a riddle wrapped in an enigma and lightly fried with peanut oil. Say more metaphors."
Neil Gross: "The algorithm is our crown jewels, also. So I will say to your subpoena, Eff you, subpoena. I'm quashing you between my fingertips, from very far away."
L/G: "That is not how it works."
Neil Gross: "It is the First Amendment!"
L/G: "Oh, for Chrissake you're gonna pull the First Amendment shit. What is this, the internet? Give me a break. What a fuckin' maroon."

"Our search engine results are protected by free speech. To compel their release is the same as compelling a newspaper to reveal its sources!"

That is the stupidest thing I ever heard, not to mention an idiotic way to say it because it means just about nothing, just about zero things are signified by that claptrap. Shut up, Rita Wilson. Get a real idea.

WINE BAR

Lana: "Kalinda! Let's drink some wine and have homosexuality. This creepy little man hiding behind me is acting super weird and clingy and spooky. Is that 'negging'? Are you 'negging' me, little mean man?"
Nick: "Kalinda, what a pretty name. You must have made it up for yourself after leaving your husband in jail and faking your own death and running off with all his money and sleeping with the State's Attorney of Illinois to get your name changed and then had to chase a man all over the place with a baseball bat all the time."
Kalinda: "I just got a pretend phone call and I really have to take it."

By Jacob Clifton

Nick follows her to the back of the bar and calls her a dyke so she punches him out. Or maybe she was just going to punch him out anyway. Or maybe he knew she was going to punch him out and that's why he went over there. Whatever the case, their encounter ends thus: With a tiny scary lady punching out a tiny scary man for hate speech and also for stalking her girlfriend and maybe even for his future-murdering of everybody.

1ST AMENDMENT DEFENSE

UberTech: "I am kind of accurate, like the dorky stereotypes on this show usually are. Please, get on your internet and talk about how unrealistically crappy and gross I am, even though it isn't that unrealistic."
L/G: "So yeah, you're the worst."
UberTech: "I really am!"
L/G: "And you said that Margarita Motions was plagiarized and also it stinks?"
UberTech: "I said that stuff!"
L/G: "Is any of it true?"
UberTech: "It is my opinion!"
L/G: "They're statements that you present as fact, but really just made up in your head?"
UberTech: "It is my opinion!"

Yeah, don't go up against a person who thinks that is a necessary thing to say, or matters at all. They are not worth it.

Will: "Okay but like how do you know it was plagiarized?"
UberTech: "How do I know the software was? Because it was! Because it's not very good!"
Will: "Do you know what that word even means?"
UberTech: "I don't have to! Because it is my opinion!"
Will: "Do you know what any words mean?"

Rita Wilson: "This guy is the worst! I am bored. Why are we even on this guy."
Alicia: "Because free speech protections, you said. ChumHum is like a newspaper, you said. And this grody idiot here said a mean thing that wasn't true, and now that's on you. Also, the internet is kind of a cesspool, so most of the things in your 'newspaper' which is also known as the entire internet are going to be pretty shitty and stupid, like this guy..."
Rita Wilson: "I do not want to have this cake! I also do not want to eat it too!"
Judge Marx: "Serves you right for that free speech bullshit in the first place."

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SOME RIELLE HUNTER

The chick that supposedly slept with Peter is, um, a lunatic. Kalinda spots her Crazy Eyes from across the room, but does the interview anyway.

Chick: "Old guys like to flirt with me, and I crave the attention, so..."
Kalinda: "Your childhood was not a picnic, I take it."
Chick: "Oh, by no means. It's why I'm such a nightmare. Anyway, we had sex like eight times, including at his apartment."
Kalinda: "He didn't have an ap... I mean, go on."
Chick: "Yeah, and his wife walked in on us one time!"
Kalinda: "Nope."
Chick: "And she was like, 'I'm not like a regular wife, I'm a cool wife..."
Kalinda: "Nope. Absolutely not."
Chick: "And then we had a threesome! And then Arnold Schwarzenegger came over and we had an orgy! And I was abducted by aliens during it! We had turkey and tomato sandwiches! I went to a farm one time where nuns were raising tiny little horses, miniature horses or maybe ponies! They drive around in golf carts! One of the nuns let me drive a golf cart! I almost went in the lake! All they had was lite mayo!"

L/G
Neil Gross dicks them around for about a million years, for no real reason, until -- like in every scene of this entire episode -- a lightbulb goes off over Alicia's head and realizes that he's bought the Girls off, so she runs to her office to see them in their stinky lazy clothes.

Girls: "Neil Gross hired us to run Wicked Savage Designs, so this whole episode was pointless. Thanks, though! The incredibly unpleasant witnesses really added a certain elan."
Alicia: "Uh huh. And were you planning on telling me that?"
Girls: "Oh, we were about to write a Post-It about it."
Alicia: "You guys kind of suck, actually. No follow-through. I hope you like working for Neil Gross."
Girls: "We absolutely will. Have you smelled the top of his head? Heaven."
Alicia: "Okay, well, time you need help, I want you to take that middle finger right there and jam it up the other one's ass rather than calling me, okay? Because seriously fuck you guys."
Girls: "We will do that!"

They do. It descends swiftly into scat, and thus to vom. Unexpected twist, but I guess the episode title told you that was coming. I don't know that "vom" is the word for that, I just made it up just now, but I refuse to ChumHum the definitive answer on the grounds that I would almost certainly end up doing a little vom of my own. Of all the hilarious ways this show has no idea what it's talking about a lot of the time, technology- and internet-wise, the title of this episode may be their crowning achievement. It's like when your mom misuses common expressions -- "What is DTF?" It means "doing the Facebook," mom "Oh, really? I'm DTF right now!" Dude your mom is AWESOME -- but kicked up a notch into actual porn. Which I have seen, by the way, and do not recommend. Zero stars.

By Jacob Clifton

ALICIA'S OFC

Eli: "Alicia?"
Alicia: "Yeah, girl. What can I do for ya?"
Eli: "Do you and Peter have an open marriage?"
Alicia: "HA! Today is turning out to be pretty funny."
Eli: "So you didn't have an orgy with aliens and a turkey sandwich, like the lady said?"
Alicia: "I am so inscrutable right now that it hurts."

WILL GARDNER SELF-CHUMHUMS, JUST LIKE WE ALL DO

"Did you mean Will Gardner disbarred lawyer?"

Neil Gross you are so awesome! You are getting up there in Kenny Powers territory, crushwise. I just want an entire show of JBH being cocky and petty and self-righteous. That is like porn to me. But the good kind, the Opposite Of This Episode's Title kind.

DID THEY WATCH YOU BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN?

Nick: "Sorry but you can't be a lesbian anymore."
Kalinda: "Yeah, I can. Also shut up."
Nick: "But we're married and we're in love!"
Kalinda: "None of those things are true. You are such a tool."
Nick: "I have a boo-boo in my heart where you hurted it!"
Kalinda: "I am so inscrutable it hurts right now."
Nick: "Also, I am going to murder your girlfriend."
Kalinda: "HA! Today is actually pretty funny. That girl you're gonna kill? She's FBI. You feel me? My girlfriend is a federal agent. So good luck with that, Sunshine."

By Jacob Clifton

CAMPAIGN BUS

Peter: "We have to do some campaign things, pretty soon... Like give a speech or something. Smell the tops of babies' heads. And internet moguls's heads."
Alicia: "Belay that order, Eli. I am going to have some sex with my husband now."
Peter: "I don't know where this is coming from. I should not cheat on my wife more often! Apparently there are rewards, I had no idea. Listen, honey. I am going to not cheat on you so hard!"

WEEK

Maura Tierney returns, meaning Alicia and Diane are going to be together on a tricky case. Alicia Florrick tells Synth to stop calling her a swinger. And Kalinda looks around at her life and how Kalinda it's getting, and she goes, "Even for me, this is a bit much. Maybe I should cool it with the amount of Kalinda I'm being these days."

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.